Anakosha
Integrating sex and spirituality in the lifestyle
Beginning the journey
Many couples
start their journey of opening their bedroom door, by having an
encounter with just one person first. Or maybe one other couple. The
encounter is usually very personal, very discreet, and the situation has
been nurtured carefully into place so all the parties feel
comfortable.
When the big event happens, it usually takes weeks of imaginative planning to set it up. Perhaps several correspondences. Then telephone calls. Sometimes it takes months, possibly years of persuasion and discussion. It is a gradual process meant to ensure that everything will go well. They want the women to be comfortable because this is a dramatic breakthrough experience, leaping over the wall, and they want it to be happy. They are unsure as to why they are doing it, but they want to.
Bursting free of generations of marital fidelity is done carefully. Leaping over the wall into the wide open field of sexual openness, is set up in secret. The big day comes and goes. If it was a happy encounter, the couple can't go to sleep because they are on such a high. If it was not a happy encounter, they still can't go to sleep because they have a lot of emotions to express and talk through. They talk on endlessly into the night and morning hours about what went wrong. Maybe they make love between just the two of them to reconnect their deepest feelings for one another. The next morning, there is more talk. Suddenly the idea of sexual intimacies with other people is no longer a fantasy. No matter what the outcome was, happy or not, it now falls within range of the possible, the probable and the real.
Most couples enter the lifestyle in this manner. It is exciting and titillating and there is no end to the wellspring of new ideas that bubble up from within. Life takes on new meaning and couples fall in love all over again. Or fall back and regroup, stuck in a no-man's zone. Hopefully, the thrill of discovery charges them. They are starting something new together. They're not cheating or having affairs. The energies, needs and desires for something "more", that were once repressed, are now free. There is mutual agreement and permission.
At this stage, they don't realize that those energies are energies of love. Love has been activated in them. Even in argument. Love is moving, active, changing, interested, excited, free, passionate and so much more. It is anything but stagnant. They are opening to more love, more life, more enthusiasm, even if there is denial and rejection, it is an arousal. Both within themselves and for each other. They are going to expand their potential and become bigger, wiser, more enlightened individuals.
They talk about rules and what they can't do and can do. They build parameters around it. They do it again. Soon they are taking baby steps to reach out to others. Eventually they will be invited to private parties and other events. They may want to join a club or a group of other couples. Are they ready for this? They do not know, but something is urging them on. They are curious and want to see what else is going on in the arena of sexual sharing.
They are excited to try it but they have to be on the same page. First they decide it's a "go", then a "no go". Going to the home of strangers is not exactly comfortable but finally contact is made. What are the people going to be like? Will they expect too much from us? Will we have to perform? Will we like the people or will we have to make a fast exit?
With so many unknowns there is need for structure. While we all would prefer to meet in spontaneous fashion and go with the flow of our own mood, we can't do that with a group of strangers. There are too many unknowns. Some basic ground rules need to be established. Civilized behavior exists because of agreed-upon rules by all the people involved. It creates order. People cannot simply do whatever they want to do in a society of many. It would create disorder and chaos. It is the same way within the network of couples sexual sharing. Everyone agrees to follow the few basic ground rules and to adopt the fundamental philosophy of respect for all. If this were not so, the lifestyle would not have lasted and grown to accommodate the many. Anarchy would prevail and the powerful would dominate the weak.
It is a lifestyle where men learn to step back a few paces and control their appetites, and women learn to step forward to state their position. They are not yielding submissives to every man they meet. A woman has her own agenda, desire, need, wants and fantasies. Both genders need to make subtle changes.
People who have been attending private swing parties for 10, 20 and 30 years, know this, and know how to fit in. But newcomers have not had the benefit of this orientation. Newcomers often come in with attitudes that are offensive. The unspoken rules need to be learned. It is a unique way of life. It is a new consciousness, sort of like going to another planet where the culture is so vastly different from anything known on Earth that it takes a while to absorb its characteristics, such as respect for everyone whether attracted to them or not. And no fondling of a woman (or a man) you just met. It's vulgar, crude and offensive. Drunks are not tolerated, and neither is drug use. Erotic encounters require a sane and clear mind.
The biggest mistake a newcomer MAN makes in a gathering of this type, is to approach a woman as a sex object, with a gleam and a drool. If he does this he will be on the outside of the circle looking in and wondering why. It is in very bad taste. Women do not want to be treated as sex objects until they have made their choice and selected a man. It is her choice when and where to become a sex object. If a man violates this code of behavior, she and others who were observing his behavior, will remember and avoid that person in the future. It is better to learn this before it happens, instead of after. Be a gentleman.
When the big event happens, it usually takes weeks of imaginative planning to set it up. Perhaps several correspondences. Then telephone calls. Sometimes it takes months, possibly years of persuasion and discussion. It is a gradual process meant to ensure that everything will go well. They want the women to be comfortable because this is a dramatic breakthrough experience, leaping over the wall, and they want it to be happy. They are unsure as to why they are doing it, but they want to.
Bursting free of generations of marital fidelity is done carefully. Leaping over the wall into the wide open field of sexual openness, is set up in secret. The big day comes and goes. If it was a happy encounter, the couple can't go to sleep because they are on such a high. If it was not a happy encounter, they still can't go to sleep because they have a lot of emotions to express and talk through. They talk on endlessly into the night and morning hours about what went wrong. Maybe they make love between just the two of them to reconnect their deepest feelings for one another. The next morning, there is more talk. Suddenly the idea of sexual intimacies with other people is no longer a fantasy. No matter what the outcome was, happy or not, it now falls within range of the possible, the probable and the real.
Most couples enter the lifestyle in this manner. It is exciting and titillating and there is no end to the wellspring of new ideas that bubble up from within. Life takes on new meaning and couples fall in love all over again. Or fall back and regroup, stuck in a no-man's zone. Hopefully, the thrill of discovery charges them. They are starting something new together. They're not cheating or having affairs. The energies, needs and desires for something "more", that were once repressed, are now free. There is mutual agreement and permission.
At this stage, they don't realize that those energies are energies of love. Love has been activated in them. Even in argument. Love is moving, active, changing, interested, excited, free, passionate and so much more. It is anything but stagnant. They are opening to more love, more life, more enthusiasm, even if there is denial and rejection, it is an arousal. Both within themselves and for each other. They are going to expand their potential and become bigger, wiser, more enlightened individuals.
They talk about rules and what they can't do and can do. They build parameters around it. They do it again. Soon they are taking baby steps to reach out to others. Eventually they will be invited to private parties and other events. They may want to join a club or a group of other couples. Are they ready for this? They do not know, but something is urging them on. They are curious and want to see what else is going on in the arena of sexual sharing.
They are excited to try it but they have to be on the same page. First they decide it's a "go", then a "no go". Going to the home of strangers is not exactly comfortable but finally contact is made. What are the people going to be like? Will they expect too much from us? Will we have to perform? Will we like the people or will we have to make a fast exit?
With so many unknowns there is need for structure. While we all would prefer to meet in spontaneous fashion and go with the flow of our own mood, we can't do that with a group of strangers. There are too many unknowns. Some basic ground rules need to be established. Civilized behavior exists because of agreed-upon rules by all the people involved. It creates order. People cannot simply do whatever they want to do in a society of many. It would create disorder and chaos. It is the same way within the network of couples sexual sharing. Everyone agrees to follow the few basic ground rules and to adopt the fundamental philosophy of respect for all. If this were not so, the lifestyle would not have lasted and grown to accommodate the many. Anarchy would prevail and the powerful would dominate the weak.
It is a lifestyle where men learn to step back a few paces and control their appetites, and women learn to step forward to state their position. They are not yielding submissives to every man they meet. A woman has her own agenda, desire, need, wants and fantasies. Both genders need to make subtle changes.
People who have been attending private swing parties for 10, 20 and 30 years, know this, and know how to fit in. But newcomers have not had the benefit of this orientation. Newcomers often come in with attitudes that are offensive. The unspoken rules need to be learned. It is a unique way of life. It is a new consciousness, sort of like going to another planet where the culture is so vastly different from anything known on Earth that it takes a while to absorb its characteristics, such as respect for everyone whether attracted to them or not. And no fondling of a woman (or a man) you just met. It's vulgar, crude and offensive. Drunks are not tolerated, and neither is drug use. Erotic encounters require a sane and clear mind.
The biggest mistake a newcomer MAN makes in a gathering of this type, is to approach a woman as a sex object, with a gleam and a drool. If he does this he will be on the outside of the circle looking in and wondering why. It is in very bad taste. Women do not want to be treated as sex objects until they have made their choice and selected a man. It is her choice when and where to become a sex object. If a man violates this code of behavior, she and others who were observing his behavior, will remember and avoid that person in the future. It is better to learn this before it happens, instead of after. Be a gentleman.
The biggest mistake a newcomer WOMAN makes in a gathering of this type is to lead a man on and pretend to be interested. Men do not have a clue, girls. They really think that when you are nice to them, you are sexually interested and want to go to bed with them. Of course if you ARE interested in exploring him further, by all means, follow through with that. Just be aware that men like to be told where they stand. They get confused easily. They don't know whether to pursue or fall back. They are hurt when you lead them on and then drop them like a hot potato. The burden is on you to state your position.
Men who have a measure of control over their sexual needs and desires are those who think with their higher brains instead of their lower. They are more civilized in their behavior and have a much better time at their parties than those who think below the waist. By thinking above the waist, you may not get what you started out wanting, but you are probably going to go home smiling.
You will find parties of this nature are pretty much the same in every state. There is an understanding of lifestyle etiquette. A new couple needs to know what that etiquette is. We've tried to cover a lot of education here on this website. There may be minor variations in different cultures and different parts of the country or the world, but there is a basic understanding which permeates the globe. It is respect and common sense.
This is an underground movement. In some states or countries it is illegal, so be very very discreet. Don't tell anyone outside of the network anything that you saw, did or overheard. A new couple may want to tell their best friends about what they did, especially if they had such a good time and are elated. But one must not do that. Not in today's scary climate. One must be careful for it could easily backfire. This is contrary to all known cultural, familial and religious beliefs. Others in your family, even a close sister or brother, probably would find this shocking. They may find it so wrong that they decide to tell others hoping to persuade you against it. It is essential to keep this activity quiet, or families could be broken up, jobs lost and reputations ruined. Because it is becoming increasingly more popular and there are more loose tongues flapping in gossip, a new couple will probably be required to sign a privacy agreement such as the one we require on this site.
Another concern a new couple may worry about is running into someone they know. We don't see this happen very often, but who knows? Your next-door neighbors could be part of the lifestyle and you never knew. They could show up at the same function sometime. There is a proper etiquette for when this happens. If you do run into someone you know, the proper etiquette is to be friendly and greet them as if you were at the grocery store. Go up to them and say, "Hi there! How are you?" as if this was a most common occurrence. Do not run and hide! They will notice you and see you as secretive and cowardly. Be bold and up front. The unspoken understanding is, "I won't tell if you won't," and under the privacy agreement they signed, they CAN'T tell. And neither can you. This is a secret society. For now, anyway. Maybe someday our culture will be more accepting.
It is a culture that has its own rules and code of etiquette. It is this code of behavior that needs to be understood in order to fit in and be accepted. That is why emotional and mental preparation is important. It's for you and your own comfort. It's the reason why Anakosha is moving into massage groups as an entry point. We found that a two-hour sit-down discussion was just not good enough to prepare people. Talking is important but it leaves out the emotional adjustment process which is equally important. In our opinion more hands-on practice is needed, as long as it is within a safe environment under the watchful eye of a caring leader.
Trust me, there are horror stories out there. When you consider the millions of couples and singles who call themselves "swingers", the chances are you will meet people not to your liking. People are titillated by sex and the unknown. They fantasize about it. Some people will do anything to get their toe in your door, including lie about having a wife or even about their gender. A basic fact of life is that women are generally hesitant and holding back. It requires a great deal of persuasion to talk a woman into trying this lifestyle. Some men give up and try to gain access by pretending to be single.
You will meet couples from all walks of life. Each individual inside that couple has aa personal past that you don't know about. And so does each of you. There are all sorts of proclivities, tendencies and perversions in the human race. Some are very off the wall. Some are just plain obnoxious. Maybe they are drunks or under the influence of something stronger which warps their sensibilities. And there are beautiful people too. Lovely, healthy, holistic couples who are morally, mentally and spiritual clean. Just because you are approached by someone calling themselves "swingers" does not mean too much. Maybe it's only his fantasy and not hers. You must be prepared to go through a personal interview where you discuss many things about sex and put them on the table.
Most people in the recreational sex lifestyle do not drink or take drugs. It is for the sophisticated, intelligent and sensitive people who are kind and decent. Be discerning. There are dark forces out there who seek out "nice" people who are innocent and trusting. They can drag people down to a lesser level if they're too nice. Follow your instincts at all times.
Anakosha is the path of enlightened sexuality. It goes in an upward direction towards more light, less secretive, less strange, less weird, less far out. There are many people who still treat sex as it was treated in the dark ages - darkly. Under cover of darkness and secretly. We advocate turning the lights on and talking about things first. Take the higher road of light and open love. Our doors are open to all who choose this way. But even if you don't want to be as open as I suggest here, choose a way that is comfortable for you. If you stretch your comfort into discomfort then you may lose your way and find yourself in trouble. Try not to do that. Follow your heart, your gut feeling, your intuition. Your body knows what to do, even if your mind doesn't. Discomfort is a signal that this is not for you at this time. More talking may be needed to clear the air.
Men who have a measure of control over their sexual needs and desires are those who think with their higher brains instead of their lower. They are more civilized in their behavior and have a much better time at their parties than those who think below the waist. By thinking above the waist, you may not get what you started out wanting, but you are probably going to go home smiling.
You will find parties of this nature are pretty much the same in every state. There is an understanding of lifestyle etiquette. A new couple needs to know what that etiquette is. We've tried to cover a lot of education here on this website. There may be minor variations in different cultures and different parts of the country or the world, but there is a basic understanding which permeates the globe. It is respect and common sense.
This is an underground movement. In some states or countries it is illegal, so be very very discreet. Don't tell anyone outside of the network anything that you saw, did or overheard. A new couple may want to tell their best friends about what they did, especially if they had such a good time and are elated. But one must not do that. Not in today's scary climate. One must be careful for it could easily backfire. This is contrary to all known cultural, familial and religious beliefs. Others in your family, even a close sister or brother, probably would find this shocking. They may find it so wrong that they decide to tell others hoping to persuade you against it. It is essential to keep this activity quiet, or families could be broken up, jobs lost and reputations ruined. Because it is becoming increasingly more popular and there are more loose tongues flapping in gossip, a new couple will probably be required to sign a privacy agreement such as the one we require on this site.
Another concern a new couple may worry about is running into someone they know. We don't see this happen very often, but who knows? Your next-door neighbors could be part of the lifestyle and you never knew. They could show up at the same function sometime. There is a proper etiquette for when this happens. If you do run into someone you know, the proper etiquette is to be friendly and greet them as if you were at the grocery store. Go up to them and say, "Hi there! How are you?" as if this was a most common occurrence. Do not run and hide! They will notice you and see you as secretive and cowardly. Be bold and up front. The unspoken understanding is, "I won't tell if you won't," and under the privacy agreement they signed, they CAN'T tell. And neither can you. This is a secret society. For now, anyway. Maybe someday our culture will be more accepting.
It is a culture that has its own rules and code of etiquette. It is this code of behavior that needs to be understood in order to fit in and be accepted. That is why emotional and mental preparation is important. It's for you and your own comfort. It's the reason why Anakosha is moving into massage groups as an entry point. We found that a two-hour sit-down discussion was just not good enough to prepare people. Talking is important but it leaves out the emotional adjustment process which is equally important. In our opinion more hands-on practice is needed, as long as it is within a safe environment under the watchful eye of a caring leader.
Trust me, there are horror stories out there. When you consider the millions of couples and singles who call themselves "swingers", the chances are you will meet people not to your liking. People are titillated by sex and the unknown. They fantasize about it. Some people will do anything to get their toe in your door, including lie about having a wife or even about their gender. A basic fact of life is that women are generally hesitant and holding back. It requires a great deal of persuasion to talk a woman into trying this lifestyle. Some men give up and try to gain access by pretending to be single.
You will meet couples from all walks of life. Each individual inside that couple has aa personal past that you don't know about. And so does each of you. There are all sorts of proclivities, tendencies and perversions in the human race. Some are very off the wall. Some are just plain obnoxious. Maybe they are drunks or under the influence of something stronger which warps their sensibilities. And there are beautiful people too. Lovely, healthy, holistic couples who are morally, mentally and spiritual clean. Just because you are approached by someone calling themselves "swingers" does not mean too much. Maybe it's only his fantasy and not hers. You must be prepared to go through a personal interview where you discuss many things about sex and put them on the table.
Most people in the recreational sex lifestyle do not drink or take drugs. It is for the sophisticated, intelligent and sensitive people who are kind and decent. Be discerning. There are dark forces out there who seek out "nice" people who are innocent and trusting. They can drag people down to a lesser level if they're too nice. Follow your instincts at all times.
Anakosha is the path of enlightened sexuality. It goes in an upward direction towards more light, less secretive, less strange, less weird, less far out. There are many people who still treat sex as it was treated in the dark ages - darkly. Under cover of darkness and secretly. We advocate turning the lights on and talking about things first. Take the higher road of light and open love. Our doors are open to all who choose this way. But even if you don't want to be as open as I suggest here, choose a way that is comfortable for you. If you stretch your comfort into discomfort then you may lose your way and find yourself in trouble. Try not to do that. Follow your heart, your gut feeling, your intuition. Your body knows what to do, even if your mind doesn't. Discomfort is a signal that this is not for you at this time. More talking may be needed to clear the air.