Goddesssphere

​Awakening the divine feminine
The heart is the new baseline

Mystical Movements
A Personal Story of Kundalini Awakening

by Nancy Peinze Wilson
​with Ascended Master Djwhal Khul

​A book in progress
LATEST ADDITIONS​
​Copyright 2026 Nancy Peinze Wilson
​

Prelude 

Today, 5/9/26, is the first time I'm posting a link to my book in progress, "Mystical Movements". This has been an ongoing project for many years. Fifty years to be exact, ever since I had an out-of-body experience into "the light". I could not remember where I had been upon returning to consciousness 8 or 9 hours later, but within days I began receiving words in my mind, very clear, very rapid. I wrote them down longhand, wherever I happened to be, just to get them out of my head. In restaurants, coffee shops, sometimes in the car riding, or at home or the middle of the night. The words were ever present flowing through me. Threatening to drive me crazy. 

This book has been taken from my personal journals which I kept over the years with the Ascended Master Djwhal Khul as my main guide and mentor. Kundalini is too powerful to handle alone. He is still available to me today but remains in the background unless I call upon him. Before computers became available all writings were hand-written on paper and filed in file cabinets, but I have been slowly transferring them to digital form. They are listed by date written. From now on, the date of a new addition will be shown on the Home page so you will be alerted to new additions. However, I do not have the skill or time to link each chapter directly to its location, so you must page down to find the entry you seek.

It wasn't until we moved back to the States in 1980 or '81 that I became aware of the Master Djwhal Khul. I did not know his name prior to that. I didn't know where the words were coming from that were talking to me in my mind. The story of how I met him is dated 1/20/82. My metabolism was racing at super high speed much of the time. His guidance saved me from going over an edge from which I know I would not have returned.  

It would seem my sole purpose is to write about my experiences with the Kundalini force. I am becoming aware that kundalini is awakening in many today, as I see postings on Facebook. Perhaps these will be helpful. As I prepare this for publication I continue to find some of my original hand-written writings in files long forgotten. Writing the words down over the years helped me to stay sane. My brain couldn't handle it. Writing the words down was like opening the cage door and letting the birds fly free. It has been a continual unfolding of revelations, inspirations and visions into high places - and on occasion into lower realms. Light and Love is the main theme. Always Light and Love. And bliss and rapture. It has now been 50 years since it first began. Prior to kundalini awakening I was a normal girl raised on a farm in Massachusetts with three sisters, no brothers. After Kundalini awakened, everything changed.

There were several steps that led up to this massive chnge. These steps are important to the story but I will save them for separate chapters. Each is significant. As I pull this together the biggest challenge is sorting, for they are mixed up with Master DK's channelings. For years I have been focusing on the Master's guided instructions and they often overlapped with my own visions and awarenesses. It is a work in progress but it gives me notivation and I am happy, even eager, to do it. I hope you enjoy it.  If you like, you may contact me thru my email: [email protected].


Table of Contents

1970 - A Prebirth vision
4/16/1976 - The Awakening of Kundalini
4/16/76 - Caught in a magical spell 
4/16/76 - Sex and kundalini 
4/20/76 - My first rapture 
5/10/76 - The little red book 
5/15/76 - Why me? 
5/17/76 - Working with the force
6/12/76 - Learning to direct this force
​6/14/76 - A field of grass, a city white and gleaming
6/20/76 - Revelations at the rifle range
8/2/76 - Meeting the psychic surgeon
7/8/77 - The master gland, the pituitary
2/18/81 - The Saddlebrook vision: the soul divided into male-female 
4/2/81 - Channeled from the angels on ascension
6/17/81 - A mystical connection, a personal instruction
6/19/81 - Receiving the daily dose of cosmic energy
​6/20/81 - A mystical happening is a buoying upwad, wave upon wave
6/21/81 - An intelligent benevolent force lives within you
7/8/81 - Feeling omnipotent
8/4/81 - Humanity as a flawless diamond
8/25/81 - Immaculate divine light inside violence
​9/10/81 - The jewel in the lotus
9/14/81 - The world is in the process of becoming
​9/17/81 - The sex center is becoming recognized
9/26/81 - Old age can be reversed
12/1/81 - Experiencing the rigidity of the body
12/2/81 - Free of the body, tied to universal loveliness
​1/9/82 - The birth of the soul
1/20/82 - How I met the Master Djwhal Khul
2/5/82 – Releasing the seven centers
2/15/82 – There is a constant explosion outward
3/16/82 - Revelations and lighting the Seven Lamps
3/21/82 - A past life memory and lesson learned
4/2/82 - The struggle between outer mind and inner wind
4/17/82 - A vision: How does one explain the splendor of the sun?
5/20/82 - A personal experience with mysticism 
7/9/82 – Resigning myself to the lovely essence ("I am the light")
10/24/82 – Tiny pin pricks of light entering the body from outside
12/25/82 - Kundalini as a window of clarity, flawless as a diamond
​3/30/83 - What's it like to incarnate in a physical body 
4/2/83 - The harvest
6/30/83 - A powerful experience with kundalini
​6/16/84 - A super-powerful Kundalini presence
​6/17/84 - The crystal one within
10/7/84 - They call you kundalini but you are not! You are my mother!
​11/24/84 - Light-filled revelations
2/24/85 - Asking questions of my Higher Self (in Hyatt Hotel, Orlando)
1/23/86 - Messages from my higher self 
​9/17/86 - The inner eye opens and closes
10/1/86 - Q & A with my Higher Self
10/2/86 - Holiness is abstract until you make your mark on the world
10/15/86 - Kundalini and the glow in the pelvis
10/16/86 - One need not be humble, allow largeness to take place
10/26/86 - The power is given into the pelvic region
10/28/86 - A walk with my higher self among the stars
5/30/87 - Vision: Crowd of light-filled people
6/23/87 - An early channeling, from date unknown
12/20/87 - Higher self on confusion
12/15/88 - The lighter way - the homework part of life
11/16/89 - I AM you at the zenith point 
2/19/92 - Seeing the Light Person within 
​2/20/92 - Watching my higher self walk thru the house
2/4/94 - A vision at Doug's house
​4/19/95 - Your heart is speaking for you
​10/15/95 - Dream of classes by Lord Lanto
11/18/95 - Relinquish the struggle, surrender to the force of nature
3/14/97 - Q&A with Lord Lanto and Sirians
3/15/97 - Advice from Master Morya: how to create something new
5/14/97 – A transparent body filled with nothingness, then diamonds flashing
9/18/98 - Q & A with Ascended Master St. Germain
​10/17/99 - Takiing control back from your mind
7/14/01 - Planting the power seed, the sky power into the earth
7/16/01 - Replacing old DNA with new light DNA
​7/7/03 - A past life connection (channeled)
7/10/03 - Q & A with an unknown, with strange alien writings
12/3/05 - The bliss that resides within the body 
​10/8/08 - Advice to me by spirit, trance-channeling
9/25/12 - Lowering the Divine Plan into humanity
​11/25/13 - Building physical energy 
6/17/14 – Releasing treasure chests full of jewels
8/2/14 – I know things as if I am the knowledge itself
8/3/14 - It's not just kundalini, it's the angels descending
10/21/15 - Healing the ancestors with sister who passed
8/18/17 - The brilliant spark of God light thru massage 
9/6/17 - Consciousness is Love!
1/25/18 - Becoming embodied and remembering when the earth almost died
​3/4/18 - Wrapping the arms of spirit around flesh bodies
4/17/18 - Message from the Presence: You are a star-based being
8/4/18 - Vision of Ascended Masters at the sewing machine 
​10/26/18 - The Goddess and the mother ship
11/16/18 - Golden threads weave through the body
11/17/18 - The alien male sinister force 
​12/17/18 - Why kundalini is so difficult when it first awakens
12/14/19 - Don't try to find resonance, that is fool-hearty, you are unique
12/6/20 - The hallway of light
1/9/21 – Dismantling of 3D identity
8/1/21 - Experiencing different energies in the 4 lower bodies
​1/30/22 - Q&A with Master DK, why is my head filled with smoke?
​6/29/22 - We are embedded inside a crystal bubble of seven spheres (partly channeled) 
3/23/23 - The little me is not in control, the BIG Me is in charge! 
​5/23/23 - The stories are stored in the Earth
​6/4/23 - Higher self waits for us to reach up
8/31/23 - Descending the first time into physical form
6/6/23 - Looking for lost light particles
​6/8/23 - Super-energized, getting past locked doors, crystal light
7/16/23 - To die or not to die - The Antahkarana
2/19/25 - Bring the back and front abdomen together (higher self) 
​3/12/25 - What happens when vibrations drop

​

1970 - A Prebirth vision

This was from before kundalini awakened in 1976, when I was in Mexico, living with the Stecklings. I had a very profound vision when I lived with them from 1968 to 1971, before I met Bob, my second husband. This must have been around 1969 or 70. I was ironing in the back room of the old stone farm house one day in which a small group of us were living, (the walls were made of field stone) when I found myself walking down a golden sidewalk in a lovely city. I could see my own reflection in the sidewalk which looked shiny like gold. I was a young woman, longish light-colored hair to the shoulders, skirt flaring out as I walked. City buildings not far away. They were translucent with colors like pearl changing in the sunlight.  I could see figures moving around inside and I could hear their tinkling laugher when I tuned in.  I was in a park with lovely flowers and trees. A bird flew down to greet me and it was etheric. I saw right through the feathers into its internal organs. The trees greeted me as I walked by and bent their heads to me.
 
As I walked, I heard someone calling me from behind me. I turned and it was a young man. He said, “He wants to see you.” I believe this was mentally projected at me because the use of “he” transmitted to me a picture of one of the elders. I went immediately to one of the buildings in the center of the park and up a wide curved stair case of white marble. I went in through the front doors and down into one of the rooms. No secretary or receptionist. I just walked in and he greeted me and invited me to sit down. He told me I was to return to Earth and he wanted to know my feelings and if I knew why.  I was willing to go and said No, I don‘t know. He then turned his attention to the space above us in the air, and he unfolded for me a vision. I saw into the sea of consciousness which was made up of many individual consciousnesses, each growing in spiritual progress to hold their own space with the energy allotted them. He pointed out my space and my energy. It was sadly lacking. I wasn’t holding up my end. There was a deficiency. Almost a vacancy. I accepted what he showed me, no questions asked, and then I left and went to a building where you could help yourself to food through a self-selection process. I met a young man there and sat down with him at a table to eat. I told him that I was going to return to Earth. He didn’t have any response to that and I was disturbed that he wasn’t disturbed. Apparently I was attached to him. Later in life, I don’t know when, I became aware that this young man followed me to Earth but I don’t know who he is.
 
At that point I suddenly became aware that I was ironing. I was back in the old stone farmhouse and I had ironed all the clothes in the basket and had folded them neatly in a pile near me. I don’t know how long this vision lasted. 


4/16/76 - The Awakening

​The gymnasium in which we were sitting was part of a modern, international country club. It had a vaulted ceiling with windows high along both sides, through which the sun sent long beams in the late afternoon hours, downward to splash upon the olive green carpeting. Now there were no beams, only a sense of morning light enhanced by mirrors running along one wall opposite the ballerina bar below the windows. The air was still and lazy. The machines and weight equipment stood each one, quietly in their allotted spaces.

It was a clear, warm April morning in 1976 in Costa Rica, a tiny little country in Central America, where the waters of the Caribbean and the waters of the Pacific bend in to try to touch each other. From the mountains on a clear day, one can stand in certain places and see both bodies of water, east and west. The dry season was at its peak and the sun at its most brilliant on this particular day, burning the already brown hills surrounding the high Central Valley to an even paler brown. There was a sense of anticipation in the air for the first rains were due.

My sister and I sat alone on the floor of the gym, posed for a yoga meditation. For fifteen minutes we waited for Maria who had promised to join us. Silently we waited in expectancy of the meditation, moving languidly, listening to the heat bugs shrilling outside. Finally Shirley murmured something to indicate we would not wait any longer and she began to speak in a slow, soft monotone.

“Close your eyes and take a deep, deep breath. All the way in and hold it. Let it out slowly, counting 1-2-3-4-5-6 as you exhale and hold your breath again. Do this rhythmically. Count to yourself. Breathe in to a count of 6, hold to a count of 8, breathe out to a count of 6 and hold to a count of 8. Practice with this for a while and if you find it uncomfortable, change the ratio so it is comfortable to you. This is called prana yoga. We are breathing in prana along with the air, using the breath to increase the energy in the body. Prana is the life force which exists everywhere, but particularly it is enhanced by the sun.”  My sister stopped talking for a moment and then continued. “It is important not to push yourself beyond what is  comfortable. Let your body be your guide. Let it tell you how much or how little to give it.”

Shirley closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, confidently. I closed mine and did the same. Her six years of teaching yoga to others plus her own intensive training for three years prior to that, enabled her to cut to the heart of this indoctrination easily. It was the first time I had ever submitted to such a discipline, and a gay mood permeated my awareness for I was back in touch with my sister, the oldest of four of us, after many years of separation. But then, I was on a high consistantly it seemed these days in Costa Rica. Bob and I were on a new adventure and we were in love. Our spirits soared every morning when we woke to the song of birds and insects singing in the uncanny peace of a virgin and luxuriant countryside. We would lie in each others arms and snuggle to the sounds of nature’s symphony outside our open window.

Shirley had arrived from New England several weeks ago after two brief exchanges by mail. “Hi: What are doing these days? Am interested in coming down to visit and take stock of myself.” It was signed “Shirley, age 40.”  My answer had been: “Come on down. We’re waiting for you” with a P.S. from Bob which read, “We’ll find you some wealthy Spaniards who love American women!” So, leaving her family behind at the ashram in New Jersey, she had arrived with one suitcase and a load of questions which she had immediately started to spill as we drove home to Escazu. It was the usual procedure after we had been absent from each other for awhile.

Shirley lived on a compound with others who followed the teachings of an Indian enlightened man, Acharya Sushil Kumarji Maharaj., whom they all called Muniji. Shirley is a powerful motivator and self-starter, being the oldest in a line of four girls. Having studied yoga and spiritual principles with various teachers over the years, she had finally left her husband when her two children were old enough to make their own way in the world. She then turned her attention to bringing Muniji to America, and was instrumental in helping him establish an ashram in the hills of New Jersey. It was there she spent her days with like-minded disciples of the Muni.

Her breathing was audible now, slow, deep and consistent. I opened my eyes momentarily to watch her. She was sitting cross-legged in the lotus position, or rather the semi-lotus position. She had explained earlier that no matter how much she practiced she could not manage the full lotus where both feet are tucked snugly into the groin of the opposite leg. With her eyes closed, arms outstretched, resting on her knees, palms upward, her breath flowed in and out of a motionless body.  Blue close-fitting leotards revealed a solid body, reflecting the German heritage from which we had come and the farm life which had nurtured us throughout our younger years. She was the oldest of four girls, I was the second and two years younger than her.  Outwardly she was the leader, I the follower, but inwardly we traveled abreast. She had a straight Roman nose and short brown hair framing a face which seemed always to me to express power and intensity, assertiveness and determination. Her personality was assured and confident and into her character was built a mysterious unknown factor which guaranteed achievement in whatever she applied herself.

As I watched her, I was aware of the power of the concentration. Her muscles remained as still as an oriental statue. As I gazed out at her I was struck by her solemnity of this ritual and suddenly I realized a remarkable difference between us. We were moving on different roadways, actually going in opposite directions. While she had been cultivating mental discipline these many years, I had been cultivating spontaneity. I found it difficult to do what she asked. My mind would not obey me, for I was accustomed to following my inner urges rather than those imposed by mental control. I had always thrown off the yoke of intellectual concentration as heavy and bothersome, and lived as much as I could by feelings alone, believing that somewhere deep inside, buried under layers of accumulations, there existed the real me, the real power of me. Not just the little me, but that profound something which would have capacities much grander than I knew about myself, capacities which would, when found, come bubbling out to take care of all things. As I pondered these thoughts in Shirley’s presence I began to realize how foolish they were. Foolish and naive to think that I did not have to work at it to uncover it. My innocent philosophy suddenly seem illiterate, unlearned. It directly opposed the discipline which Shirley was now trying to teach me.

Power exuded from every pore of her body and enhanced the stillness of the room. Suddenly, I was an outsider peering through a window into a sacred temple and I felt the awesomeness of things unknown. I was out of place and I thought to myself that perhaps I, too, should begin to cultivate some mental discipline into my life.

I closed my eyes once more to try to harness my rambling thoughts and breathed in slowly, counting, and held my breath. By the time I reached “four” my smoke-damaged lungs revolted. Out came a gush of warm air. I tried again. The room was silent. No one had entered the gym though I could hear the towel girl outside the door in her little booth, preparing for the day’s activities. Between Shirley’s quiet rhythmic breaths, my gulping breaths were sharp and noticeable, like a bumbling baby next to Buddha himself.

Did she notice me and hear my gulping breaths? Did it bother her? The sense of stillness was sharp, my inabilities magnified. Could she hear my thoughts? What was she aware of? A sense of acute paranoia began to build in me but I continued with the attempt at regulated breathing while my mind wandered down different paths.

After a while, I succeeded in establishing a sort of rhythm to the breathing and soon, very soon, a faint alertness took hold of me. My focus shifted inward and my rambling thoughts came tumbling to a halt. But then Shirley began speaking once more - had she stopped? - in a soft soothing monotone as if from far away. It broke sharply in on my awareness. My eyes flipped open automatically only to see that she had not moved. Her eyes were still closed, her arms and hands still posed upon her knees. Nothing had changed. Her voice droned on and I closed my eyes to recapture the sensations that had just begun.

“Feel the lungs expanding with the inflow of air. Picture the lungs as balloons slowly being inflated with air, growing bigger and bigger. Allow the further end of the balloon to expand downward, into the stomach. Let the stomach expand as the air pushes in. Let the sides of the lungs expand outward as the air flows in. Imagine yourself inside this balloon as it inflates, getting bigger and bigger. Hold your breath. When you exhale, let the balloon go flat, from the bottom up, until all the air is pushed out of the lungs. The balloon is collapsing as the air is expelled from the bottom. Then hold your breath. Inhale again and imagine yourself as the air itself. You are the air. You are now the air entering the lungs. You are being absorbed by the walls of the lungs...”

Her voice trailed away, leaving me entering my lungs easily. Even though my mind flitted from thought to thought and thing to thing, I was still being absorbed by the walls of the lungs. It was almost as though there were two parts to me. My itchy mind which would not hold still under the circumstances and another part, perhaps more alert, which didn’t seem to be dependent upon my mind holding still for I was feeling now a sensation of dampness and warmth. Of peace and body tissue. My imagination was extremely vivid and, conscious of being happy, there was a feeling of sunshine and light inside. So peaceful did I feel in fact, that I stopped the rhythmic breathing and resumed my normal shallow intake of air in order to enjoy these new sensations.

Inside, I was becoming acutely aware of the physicality of my lungs and the presence of muscle, tissue and blood. I was absorbed with this feeling and intrigued with it. But soon I had a desire to go deeper into my body, but where? I searched my knowledge for what lay below the lungs. What organ? I had never studied physiology with any seriousness and so I could not easily remember. But I continued to grope and finally the stomach came to mind, its shape and size, the soft lining of the interior walls and as I played with it, it seemed as if I were the stomach. The sensation was a wholesome one, absorbing. But then, again, I wondered what lay deeper.

The small intestines came easily to mind and no sooner was the thought performed than there I was, in soft damp folds of tissue in my quite vivid imagination. But something was pulling me even deeper and I allowed myself to sink downward into a deep, dark and roomy cavern - the large intestines? - and suddenly something clicked. My body started to sway effortlessly from side to side, without muscle control. Soon I was swaying like a leaf on a tree in the soft summer breezes with sunlight all around. It was pleasant and I did not resist. However I was surprised and mentally I took an alert sideward step to watch.

Rather rapidly the swaying increased and soon I was rocking left to right and right to left, faster and faster. Now I was indeed surprised for I was in no way controlling the movement. Back in my head I pondered the phenomenon while my body ran on its own power. I knew I could stop it if I wanted to, for it was such a gentle thing, but I didn’t want to. It was different, exciting, and there was a new feeling, a wonderful softness, enveloping me in a cloud. I was kneeling on my knees, my arms outstretched, palms upward like Shirley. Shirley! Suddenly I thought of my sister and panic rose. What must she think of me? Was she aware of what I was doing? As intimidating thoughts moved in, something else in me did not care and my attention returned to the sensations going on in my body.

The body was whipping back and forth and the tempo still increasing when suddenly my hands fell, lifeless, to the floor. Disconnected from my body I noted the change from an impartial place. The dropping of the hands to the floor threw the rhythm off and at that split second my legs jerked sideways and out from under me. I landed hard on the carpet between them and began jumping up and down. The body was like a robot. The head was jerking from left to right violently. I could hear scrunching sounds of ligament stretching and rubbing in the neck and the brain itself seemed to rattle inside the skull. And yet it was not uncomfortable. I felt somehow outside all of this, as if I were bigger. The feelings it was provoking were good, blissful, as though I had drunk something intoxicating and the essence was coursing through my veins and arteries. My body was trying to shake something loose and get rid of it. Or was it trying to shake something free?

Meanwhile, I was in a state of wonder and awe. For the first time in my life there were two distinct parts to me: this new part on one hand which seemed to be a foreign element moving in and taking over my body, and me on the other - the me to which I have always identified - and I was confused. I didn’t know which part to identify with, my chatterbox mind or this wonderful, new, ebullient feeling that was rising and expanding like a holy mist throughout my whole being, causing a kind of ecstasy to envelope me in a total feeling of surrender, for that is what I wanted to do. As I watched, it seemed that the normal me, the me of daily life, began to shrink and remove to a corner of my being to watch, giving ground to this new element. And from this vantage point I did indeed watch, fascinated with the act going on before me.

Super alert, my mind wouldn’t stay still. It was busy with many thoughts while my body jumped up and down like something gone wild and out of control. I did not feel for a moment out of control, however, which I proved to myself by opening and closing my eyes quickly to see whether Shirley were watching me. She had stopped her meditations and was now standing on her shoulders, her feet high in the air, seemingly unconcerned. How could she be so indifferent with me jumping around like a jackrabbit? What would she think of this? How would I explain it? What would I think if I were her?  What if someone came into the gym?

As I considered these things, detached as I was from the frantic exploitation of this strange new force, into my consciousness flowed a vivid sense of Maria approaching the gymnasium building. As she passed by the Olympic-sized swimming pool, weaving around people setting up lounging chairs, she seemed to be in a state of turmoil as if she were rushing. I saw her coming closer, breathing hard, and I decided that I had better stop all of this before she opened the door and found me in obvious convulsions.

But now I discovered that this other part did not want to stop. My body was so thoroughly enjoying its new found rapture that it - I - did not want to stop the movements and I was torn between wanting to stop and not wanting to stop. The rising feelings were those of a great, unearthly peace and I was beginning to identify with them, even more so than with my thoughts which now seemed superficial and unimportant. My mind became as an intruder upon my expansiveness and freedom. Nonetheless the battle between these two curious abstract wills did eventually give way to one. And soon my head began to slow its violent shaking, my legs to relax their rapid contractions, my torso to wind down its jack-hammer pounding and, as if in slow motion, my whole body began to gear down. I felt like a high-powered machine reacting in delayed timing to instructions that had been fed into the controls. I had nothing to do with it. I simply watched.

The sense of urgency now being forced on me was irritating and unwanted. I had been building up to greater and greater feelings of euphoria, but Maria was closing in and the urgency was warranted. I saw her outside the gymnasium door reaching for the doorknob. Slowly I was slowing down, rushing to slow down. I opened my eyes as she thrust her head into the gym and I raised my arm to wave a greeting to her.

“Oh!” she exclaimed breathlessly from the doorway. “I am so sorry to be late. Did you start without me?” Her voice floated to me like a dreamy echo from the other side of the world as I found myself still struggling to lift my arm off the floor to wave. What was the matter? It seemed to be disconnected. It was heavy and sluggish but finally I managed to raise it and wave, long after the moment had passed but Maria didn’t appear to notice. As I formed the word of greeting, “Hola!” I realized further that my body was not responding to my mental commands as normal. My vocal cords and tongue could barely drawl out a guttural sound. It sounded like an animal somewhere outside of me.

The swaying motion was dying down to a gentle swing but the ecstasy was lingering. I tried to be concerned about what Maria would think of my strange movements, but the larger part of me did not care so I did nothing. As I drifted in the waning euphoria and the dying wind, Shirley responded more cordially to our friend who appeared not to have noticed anything out of the ordinary except that we had started without her.

Maria went to change into her leotards and shortly reappeared to join us on the gymnasium carpet. I did not speak but smiled lazily and followed Shirley’s instructions as she led Maria and I into one yoga position after another. I saw three women in leotards doing exercises in the mirror before me but I paid them no mind. Exquisite sensations moved me still, lingered and hovered within me, lifting, enveloping, embracing me in a seduction of feelings and I was entranced.

After an hour, Shirley folded into the embryo position and Maria and I followed suit while I thought to myself, “Where can I go on the club premises to be alone?” I wanted to connect with this - whatever it was - again. The sauna, I thought. There’s a good chance no one will be in the sauna at this early hour of the morning. As Shirley and Maria went into the dressing room to change into bathing suits to go to the pool, I excused myself, explaining that I wanted a sauna.  

I felt as if I was gliding on air as I floated down the broad stairway to the lower women’s facilities. I reached the bottom and glanced around the sparkling tiled room of the whirlpool. Not a soul was there. At the further end of the room the little oriental garden stood serene in the morning light. A golf cart rattled somewhere nearby and it seemed that I could see right through the cement wall behind the tropical plants out onto the rolling golf course of the Cariari Country Club. The brook was gurgling through the tall stands of bamboo, weaving under bridges and around lush greens spiked with brightly colored flags. But I had more important things to do and turned and walked into the shower section. No one was there.

With caution I laid my bag and towel down onto a bench and stripped out of my leotards. Naked, I swung open the tightly fitted wooden door of the sauna. It swung open with a loud squeak. My heart seemed to stop. I looked inside. It was empty. I breathed a little easier and stepped as lightly as I could across the creaking boards which caused me to wince. I didn’t want anyone to hear me. I climbed to the uppermost level. Now my heart was pounding. Spreading the towel across the bench I sat down slowly, carefully, speculating on what I was about to do. I listened. No sound came from the outer rooms and I breathed easier still. I looked around the little room. One bulb glowed warm and yellow on the red, heated wood. The hot dry air seared the hairs in my nostrils. I tried to detect sound but none could be heard other than the crackling of the hot volcanic stones in the heater. I hesitated before looking inside of myself, much as one would hesitate before opening a box of precious jewels. What grand mystery lay inside of me? Where did it come from? Where would it take me? Why as it there? Is it still there? Still no sounds met my ears and finally there was no reason to wait any longer.

Without moving I closed my eyes and focused on the spot inside, blow the naval where I had felt the “click” an hour earlier in the gym. At the same moment my arms raised upward, as if a wind blew through them. My torso from the waist upward started to sway and I let it. My hands started to shake, as if they were shaking water from the fingertips. My head started to roll back and forth slowly and a sensation that contradicted gravity rose upward. The tempo was just beginning to pick up when I stopped it quickly, a sense of mystery pervading me. What was this thing? I had no idea what to think about it and so I did not think but left the sauna as carefully as I came.
​

u4/16/76 - Caught in a Magical Spell

Shirley’s face glowed in upon me as I sat at the dinner table. How did I get here? Her face was full of expectancy in the candlelight as she passed a plateful of roast beef, mashed potatoes and green beans over to Bob. Red liquid glistened transparently in the wine glass before me, reflecting the yellow flames from the cluster of candles behind it in their wooden holders. I was still entranced. The darkness beyond the windows sparkled with the millions of tiny lights of San Jose which sprawled across the floor of the Central Valley of Costa Rica into the distant cradle of the Eastern range. The stars above us were bright, close and clear in the infinite blackness of the sky.

A baby cried and I rode its wail as it hung, slowly dying in the still night air. A dog howled in the distance, and then another, and still a third, somewhere nearby, in a chorus of eerie messages. All across the valley, human life was turning inward and intimacy caressed me. A night bird called and feathers brushed by. Trees whispered in voices that do not belong to human ears and I heard. I was caught in the spell of unseen movements.

I watched as Bob took the  plate which my sister offered and he grinned up at her. Shirley sat down and picked up her fork and began to eat. There was a dull ache at the top of my head. Bob drank from his wine glass. I looked down at my food and then up at my sister and my husband. There was a gulf as wide as eternity separating us. How was I going to bridge the gap? The swirling lights continued to flash on and off in my mind as they had done all day ever since this morning and the incident in the gym, each flash making a tiny explosion in my brain. What was happening to me? Memories glittered with a sharpness I had never known before, each one enveloped in an aura of revelation which haunted me because they were, somehow, not new. Yet their ancient familiarity had no basis in fact. How did I know these things? At what primal level was I experiencing them?

All day, individuals and circumstance had crackled with importnace as they had paraded through my consciousness over and over, round and round, taunting me with reminiscences I did not know I had, and an inexplicable joy filled me so that I could hardly contain myself. I was being lifted, elevated, inspired, moved by something going on within me. My life was suddenly no longer a series of meaningless adventures. There was a depth to it that came from spaces that had no walls, no barriers, no beginning. Significant spaces that pulsed with a single soul. There was a largeness to it that went far beyond me, that called to me and to which I identified with a great happiness. And yet, I could not understand and confusion walked hand in hand with joy. It must surely be like this, I thought to myself, to have had amnesia and suddenly have your memory returned. I was full of awe and I marveled at what was taking place before my very eyes, yet no one else could see.

It seemed that the metabolism of my body was running at a super-normal speed, but that didn’t matter. What really captured and held my attention was the explosion of tiny sparkling atoms into supernovas of recognition. I glanced around me, trying to focus on the here and now, trying to shut out the lights and cool the feverish activity in which I floated, for I knew I must at least make an attempt to rejoin my family, else the separation would grow wider.

Our house was a small casita on the western slopes of the mountains that ringed the Central Valley. The road leading up to our perch on Los Altos de las Palomas - the heights of the doves - was steep and rough. We had moved to Costa Rica just last year and bought all our furniture in San Jose. Bob’s big heavy Spanish-style desk was a gray bulk against the white wall of the living room in which we sat. The deep red tiles on the floor glowed here and there as the candlelight reflected off the highly polished surface. The couch, the two chairs which we had bought downtown at “1492”, the lamps, the book cases which Maynard had made for us, were almost lost in the darkness of the room which was illuminated only by the soft glow of the fires burning in the center of the dinner table.

My gaze drifted to the open window and the stars twinkling in the black velvet but I forced my thoughts back to the table before me. If I didn’t speak soon I would burst, but I didn’t know how to begin. I looked at the orange knit place mat under my plate, the weavings magnified in a brilliant display of color. Bob’s colors. Earthy colors. Mine were white, marble, gold, classic Grecian, crystal. We were opposites. It had been our custom, Bob’s and mine, to eat by candlelight every night. We had done it for all of the five years we had been together and tonight was no different.

I looked across the table and watched my husband chew on a piece of roast beef while I grappled with words, silent words swirling in the atomic spaces within me. But I could not capture even a one. They were too fast, too expansive and I was star-struck, frozen to my chair. The swelling clarity of my mind contrasted sharply against the dumb immobility of my physical surroundings. The gulf that existed between me and my companions widened. What should I say?  I was glad it was dark so they couldn’t see the color of acute embarrassment rising in my face.

Again, I stole a glance at Shirley. The silence in the room was awkward. I had not spoken to her at all about the incident in the gym and now she was waiting. As I glanced around the table, I finally felt myself refocusing, as if coming out of a dream world where all things are possible, only to find myself in the square solidarity of a box. With astonishment I realized that I had passed the whole day without partaking of it. Where had it gone? More importantly, how had I acted? What must they think of me? Shirley must be dying of curiosity, I thought, as my focus shrank to absorb the domestic objects before me. She was waiting, allowing me the privilege of speaking first. I was grateful and a hint suggested itself that perhaps Shirley knew more than I realized. It would be to my advantage to find out exactly what it was that she knew.

I picked up my fork to begin eating when it came blurting out: “Something very strange happened to me today in the gym...”

“Where did you learn to do that?” Shirley cut in without letting me finish. In the twinkling of an eye, she turned in her chair to stare at me in the warm glow. I stared back, bewildered. We locked gazes.

“Learn? I didn’t learn! It just happened!” I said..

My sister looked as though she were deflating. She put a hand to her forehead and stared off into unseen spaces. Long moments passed and now it was I who was waiting. Waiting for her to put it together, for I was convinced that she knew something about this strange thing that happened to me today. Bob continued eating, seemingly unperturbed by the drama unfolding in front of him. I dared not breathe in the taut, suspense-filled moment.

“The Kundalini,” she whispered more to herself than to me.

“The Kundalini? What’s that?” I asked. The word pierced my consciousness and descended into subconscious levels where it struck a chord and pinged back and forth.

“That’s the psychic force that lives in the base of the spine,” said Shirley, glancing at me but looking right through me. “There’s a special form of yoga, called Kundalini yoga that some people do to try to awaken it. They’ll sit in meditation and then jump up and down just like you did today, sometimes for an hour, trying to dislodge it from its sleeping state and wake it up.”

Again, the veil that shielded the subconscious was pierced and the words struck the same chord again and again, reverberating richly across inner spaces never touched before. How on earth could I possibly know this? But I did and my sister was merely confirming it for me. I knew, but I needed to know more, and I pressed.

“What’s the purpose?” I asked. “What does it do?”

“Well, it awakens psychic powers in a person when it’s awake, but in most people it remains asleep.”

“What causes it to awaken?”

Shirley looked tired and somewhat confused. “I really don’t know. I don’t think anybody really knows. I’ve only heard about it from Muniji and a few individuals. It’s not a common occurence.”

Feeling more normal now, I scooped a load of mashed potatoes onto my fork and slid it into my mouth. The conversation had taken place in less than three minutes, yet I had my answer. Or did I? “But what do I do with it now?” I asked.

“I just don’t know what to tell you,” she replied. “Except that it can be dangerous. You should try to find yourself a teacher.”

“Why dangerous? In what way?” Questions were looming, lining up and backing up in my mind, waiting to be asked. She knew!  She knew what had happened to me! I was thrilled and excited. Something deep within had been set free and now I was being given the answers. But Shirley remained solemn and introspective. She was bothered.

“Kundalini is a powerful force. It has been known down through the ages that it can lead to insanity,” she replied. “But, of course, I don’t know first hand about this. This is only what I’ve heard. I don’t have direct knowledge. You should try to find a teacher who knows.”

Visions of my mother’s books came back to me as I recalled browsing through her spiritual library while growing up. I had read some of those books in my teen years, and took for granted that they would always be there. Now I wished I had that library at my disposal. There must have been something in those books about Kundalini. I wondered if my mother knew about this strange force? I had a natural leaning toward the spiritual life. Still, I had taken it all with an attitude of “Yes, I know!”  I accepted metaphysics as easily as I accepted school, church and marriage. In fact, more easily, for in the day-to-day application of spirituality I needed grounding constantly.

I looked meaningfully at Bob, my second husband and fourteen years older than me, but he showed no hint that he had been following the conversation. He had completed his meal and was now smoking a cigarette and sipping wine. If there was anything Bob disliked more than religious dogma, it was occult mystery teachings, especially one of a secret doctrine. We had had many lively discussions about it and, although I knew that Bob’s passionate feelings stemmed not so much from a disbelief in God as from what he called the “insidious” influence that spiritual teachers held over the minds and hearts of their followers, still even a personal need would not disarm his vehemence. He would not allow such an influence to enter his life. Nor mine. I would have to leave him and go my separate way if I wanted to wander the Earth in search of a teacher to guide me through this powerful, dangerous energy.

Bob was a mentor to me in many ways. We had met at an auspicious moment when I had just come down off a mountain in Mexico where I had lived with a handful of UFO followers, and he was a business man on the mend after a major heart attack. A sense of “old friend, where have you been?“ locked us together in strong relationship. We talked and talked. I learned about him and he learned about me. I came from Spirit, and he came from Earth. To him, spiritual doctrines were no different than religious doctrines, and all religions could go to hell for that was where they had come from in their control over humankind. Religions were instruments of punishment to inflict fear, pain and guilt upon the human race and to hold the masses in bondage. He would have none of it. He saw no good in them in the least and especially the Indian religion of Hinduism, which had kept the oppressed people groveling in the dust, stricken by poverty and sickness, by their elitist caste system. If they could help their own kind and raise India into a decent place to live for their own kind, then maybe he would listen to what they had to say. But Hinduism had proven itself to be a cold, judgmental, highly discriminating religion with no human qualities to it at all, and it had nothing to offer him. I had heard his reasonings a hundred times or more.

Yet, deep in the dungeon of my being where instinct is master and not reason, I felt the assurance that a teacher would not be necessary, at least not of the kind that Shirley was speaking. A knowing wideness loomed around me, penetrating the walls and laughing at the small minds of dogmatic thinkers who are afraid of their own shadows. I rode the crest of a wave which sparkled with youth, vigor and life, and I was invulnerable. I had touched God. Silently I looked to Bob as I have always done, and he answered me as I knew he would.

“If whatever this thing is came to you naturally without any assistance, you will know how to handle it,” he replied. “You do not need a teacher.” His words settled down over me like a magnetic net, pulling me down, bringing rationality to my inflated consciousness and restoring stability. His word was law and I accepted it as fact and was glad.

Later, after Shirley retired to her bedroom, I sat cross-legged on our broad king-sized bed waiting for Bob to join me to bed down for the night. Secure in my knowledge that all was well, I felt an uncanny peace lying on me. Beside me the windows were open and I could see the lights of the valley below and feel the breezes and smell the moistness of the rich growth of the mountainside. It was close to midnight. The dull ache at the crown of my head was a physical reminder of the extraordinary thing that had happened this morning. Otherwise I would have guessed that it had all been an illusion. My curiosity began to mount as I sat thinking about the strange force, my consciousness now returned to normal. Bob was finishing up with his evening papers at his desk and Shirley’s door was closed at the end of the hall.

I looked into the mirror before me and fought with myself, for I wanted desperately to go back inside once more, to see if the wind were still there, but I was afraid that Bob would come in. I waited and languished in my good feelings. The house was silent. Human life in the valley had given way to the wilder, more natural life for it was past midnight. I waited. Curiosity and apprehension continued to mount. Finally, naturally, almost automatically, I surrendered to the urge and closed my eyes, focusing deep inside below the naval.

Immediately, just as they had done in the sauna, my arms raised of their own accord, floating in the still air. They began to pick up rhythm and soon gave indication that they would start shaking again, just as they had done earlier. The electrons of my body seemed to mold themselves around another intelligence, certainly not mine, which gave them direction and purpose. I felt like a feather being blown by the wind. Again there was a stepping up of my consciousness. My head was just beginning to rotate in the indistinct current when suddenly I had an urge.

The image of a friend came into my consciousness. It was the wife of the man who made our bookcases, close acquaintances with whom we socialized frequently. A desire sprang up simultaneously for her to feel better, happier, for she had been deeply depressed. Immediately, without a second to lose, my hands floated in the air towards one another and there, right before my eyes, they formed a cup at eye level and lo! right in the midst of the cup the most brilliant glow of the purest light I had ever seen!  It was radiant like a diamond, like a blue and white crystal but liquid with life, burning with an astonishing clarity.

It’s radiance flashed and sparkled like a flare from a solderer’s gun but ethereal like the touch of an angel. Indeed, the awareness of a higher intelligence swirled through me, fine and beautiful, and an exquisite alertness seemed to buzz down my arms to the focal point in the palms of my hands. Chills ran over the surface of my skin as I made a mental connection with its reality, as if it were important that I accept it as real. And I knew that my friend had been touched.

Bob entered the room then and I quickly let my arms fall to my lap, embarrassed, externalizing my focus. How would I explain what I was doing? But he started to talk and there was no need for an explanation. We crawled under the covers and shut off the lamp. Soon we were curled together and I was face to face with my first problem with the Kundalini.
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4/16/76 - Sex and Kundalini

That night I couldn’t come down. I’ve always been able to come down to Bob when it was time to make love. Even if I had to force it. But now I couldn’t. On my back between the cool sheets, my body withholding, eyes clamped shut against this intrusion, I was locked frozen within the enigma. His arm moved heavily across me where once it had been loving and light. A pull stronger than Bob, sucked me upward and held me in the heavens of my being. It tried to pull me from his grasp into more uninhibited expanses. It was a more powerful reality that called to me, reminding me that I did not belong to flesh and blood, but to another species. Olympic heights of unbounded reason and unrestrained order dawned in my mind and beckoned to me with a love so big, so huge, that human love and human relationship shrunk to insignificance. An infinite, unending compassion rolled out before me like a royal carpet inviting me to walk the way of the gods.    

“What’s the matter?” asked Bob in my ear. “Where are you?” Silence. “You know you can’t stay there forever.”

“I know,” I answered. “It’s just that...” My voice trialed away dumbly while dense fog crept in. “It’s all right,” I mumbled, thinking it was the end of the world for me. Darkness was closing in. Again. Torn between my physical commitment to Bob and the swirling lightness above, I searched for answers in the encroaching twilight of my mind. Why couldn’t I simply fly away into the loveliness? What held me? Should I leave Bob and go out in search of a teacher as Shirley suggested?

There had never been a doubt in my mind concerning my relationship with Bob, after my initial decision to join him. It had been one continuous, expanding, exciting journey from the first moment we had met. From the beginning we had intertwined ourselves around and into each other  as if we were two halves of one whole. It was not all sweetness and love, but rather a journey of adventure and discovery. At every turn it seemed we encountered something new, which caused us to run and tell the other about it. We were so excited with our Costa Rican adventure that we had begun recording every evening before going to bed, into a microphone onto tape. Sitting on the couch we told “Mr. Tape” all of the wonders we had seen that day,  who we had met,  what we had learned in our ongoing saga. And now Shirley had brought something new into my life alone, not Bob’s, and it threatened to divide us. Would our strong bond be able to withstand it?

In the beginning of our relationship, I had aborted all spiritual thinking to learn from him the practical way of life on Earth. I felt like his student. He had given up his marriage, his family and children, his affairs both sexual and civic, to dedicate his time to me. I had given up friends whom he considered space cases, and he had given up his business affiliations, his golf, his poker buddies. We were virtually bonded together as in a single body, channeling all of our thoughts, knowledge, problems, caring and love into a common pool which nourished us. He had awakened me sexually, opening my body to pleasures I had never known at the age of 33, even after giving birth to two children. We had been riding the crest of a wave for five years, gliding smoothly over the rough stones beneath, with the sun at a permanent zenith pulling us forward. We had spent endless hours in discussion, and often hot and heavy argument, over what was superfluous and what was meaningful in our lives, so that we could discard the one and move forward with the other without regret.

Now in the course of one day a separation had happened greater than any I could have imagined. There was nothing tangible to discuss with him. He would not hear of spiritual talk of heaven or angels, or light-filled super novas or subjective mind wanderings. We were on a “here-now” reality path. And even if he would have been open to such things, this was beyond words, It was sacred. How could I begin to explain? It went too far. Too deep. Too personal. Beyond my reach. I felt guilty that I now had a secret life that didn’t include him. Part of me tried to come down and communicate with him, but the greater part of me soared skyward in a sweet updraft of dazzling, powerfully promising life to join with - what? Yearning with all of the power of my being I reached for the fading glow while at the same time I could see Bob struggling in the distance to reach me, wallowing in a sea of murk, or so it seemed to me. The separation that was taking place was painful and intense, as if part of my insides were being ripped out of me by the handful. It seemed that I could see the line of demarkation between two forces at war, one from below, heavy, sluggish and thick; the other a sunrise promising unlimited expansion. I was caught between them with no power of my own, the object of their battle.

Then something strange occurred. From out of the depths of the murkiness descending on me came words that I had heard before, as a re-run in my mind. Bob’s words from out of the past, spoken on the Arizona desert five years before on our first overnight trip together. The words rang clear and sharp now in my mind.

"What good is spirituality if you can't live it in this world? Those people you think you love so much are filled with words and no substance. They run at the first sign of responsibility. None of them have ever found happiness. They're still looking for it out there, running away from everything that is real. Don't be like one of them. Be better than them. Bring your ethereal qualities down to earth and prove them. Live them here. Show me! Then you'll be doing something worthwhile. If you run away to the mountain top, you're no better than all the rest of them. There's a responsibiity to living. Nothing comes free. You have to earn it."

Through the shifting turmoil dim rays began to appear in the murk below, twisting in the turbulence. Warped as they were and tormented by the agony of my mind, the truth of the words continued to filter through. “The need to run away is a cop-out. Freedom is meaningless if you have to go some place else to find it. If you can’t be happy here, you can’t be happy anywhere. This world is for the living, the other is for the dead.” The words shook me and the hell into which I was locked, bound and chained. Bob had grounded me many times in the past when dream theories threatened the very core of our existence together. And each time I had had to face a choice: to go my own way alone or fall back and regroup with him. I slammed the door shut on the realization, not wanting to fall back. But it was too late. Understanding seeped past my guard, oozed into my heart through the cracks in that substance, and found its way into unknown depths where other machinery worked. The process was set into motion against my will.

Clawing and gripping with every ounce of my will I tried to hold on to the remnants of the glory and felt it slipping out of my grasp. Downward I tumbled into the darkness. Downward through galaxies of light I plunged, faster than the speed of thought, resisting, hating the stickiness of human life, down through jagged rips of discord, catching glimpses of cities in which gods walked and yearning with all of my heart to stay. Downward I sank into the swirling mire which threatened to suck me into obliteration, the light about to go out.

But understanding is not a fickle thing, the light that dawns in the intellect of the heart. And in that endless journey from one end of the universe to the other, understanding DID take root in the netherlands of my soul where only two extremes had existed before: freedom or bondage. Imprisonment or escape. Flesh or spirit. Black or white. These two mighty forces had always played one against the other like two giant wheels turning in upon each other, crushing me between them. I did not know that night as I struggled in psychic battle with forces I did not understand, that it was only the beginning. I had opened a door I could never close again. In the years to come these same two monster wheels would continue to churn, mercilessly, to hone and sharpen me to the truth that it is I and I alone who must make the homogenous blend between these two ancient enemies. I and I alone who must insist that they walk hand in hand on the same path, in the same body, as friends. And until I learned that, I would continue to be tossed about in the storms of ignorance, victim instead of master of my own will.

The windows above the bed were open and through the screen night sounds mingled with the musky smell of animal life. Into the magnetism of earth bodies I fell, surrendering to this giant force of nature. Later, after we had made love and our skins were moist with sweat, I looked out through the fine mesh of the screen and was surprised. The light hadn’t gone out. I wasn’t washed with murk. I didn’t feel degraded. In fact, a new kind of loveliness was flowing through my veins. It was a mixture of the other world and this. The high and the low. The light and the dark. It moved through me like a physical perfume on a spring night after the rains. And the hint of promise was no longer somewhere above me but inherent within me and stretching downward into the vast subterranean dimensions of the earth globe itself. I went to sleep snuggled next to Bob, spooned together, feeling the peace undulating softly through me and I knew that the link had been made. I had brought it down to earth and shared it with him.

Over the next ten days I did not pursue the strange inner wind that had so dramatically stolen into my life. Neither did the wind pursue me. We were at a stalemate, as if by some silent unspoken agreement. Shirley’s presence was time-consuming and, in some ways, intimidating. I decided to wait until she had gone before I re-opened that door. I wanted plenty of time to go slow, to learn and study this mystical wind and how it operated. I kept it at bay for now in order to learn as much as I could from Shirley. She knew things. Her years living with Muniji and other spiritual practitioners, her trips to India, her deep meditations at the ashram, had given her so much knowledge of the spiritual life. I wanted to know what she knew. I picked her brain. The wind was ever present for I tested it now and again, but each time I opened the door only a crack just to make sure it was still there, and it was. Each time. So I would shut it again quickly, not ready to go there just now. Shirley would be leaving shortly and I wanted to be completely alone when I began investigating the thing now that I knew the potency of its force.

Her vacation rolled to an end ten days later, without my having learned much more about Kundalini than I had that first evening at dinner. Although I had pumped her at length in the long hours when we sat in the sun and talked, I finally realized, sadly, that her knowledge was limited to hearsay. The sacred scriptures of Indian culture, written down three and four thousand years ago, was no different than the scriptures of all religions. It is all hearsay, written by someone else long ago.

The morning of her departure found Bob, Shirley and I sitting in the airport cafeteria an hour before boarding time. The waiter, an elderly man recently transferred from the Union Club, gave us a friendly greeting and asked our preference. I smiled. It was strange to see this aristocratic gentleman serving tables in the San Juan de Maria Airport amid the hub-bub of activity. We were used to seeing him in the sedate surroundings of the elite downtown club. Moving professionally around our small talk, he set out napkins and silverware, and shortly followed with orange juice, scrambled eggs, toast, bacon and coffee. As Bob poured the steaming black liquid into my cup, the aroma of the rich Costa Rican beans wafted through the air to my nose.

"Well, it’s been a lot of fun,” Shirley yelled through the clatter around us. “I’ve really enjoyed being here with both of you. I’ve had a lot of insight into my own life while I was here.”

Shirley's mind drifted back to her family and work and what lay ahead for her. She hesitated and I knew what she was going to say. “I really think you ought to find a teacher. I’ll ask Muniji what he would recommend when I get back.”

The thought of her guru brought a serious look to her eyes. Shirley would soon be leaving her family and moving to the ashram in New Jersey that she was helping to set up for this Indian monk of the Jain religion. She had listened politely to Bob‘s discourses about religion over the past two weeks. She had been pulled into serious discussion from time to time, and moved to tears on more than one occasion by Bob’s unrelenting position on the subject. She looked at Bob now, and then at me. She was worried about me but when I didn’t respond, she dropped the subject, detecting Bob‘s antagonism.

“I’m glad you could come,“ replied Bob. “You had a chance to see another life style and another culture. People aren’t the same everywhere you go in the world. You’ve expanded your horizons.”

My gaze drifted through the thick wall of glass of the terminal to the sky beyond. The mystical wind wavered within me. Expectancy moved closer to the surface. Soon it would be time. Soon I would begin my exploration of the unknown. The sky was a rich transparent blue and the mountains a more solid blue, blazing boldly in the morning light, the slopes covered with blue green forests and tiny houses. A broad open field of tall grass waved in the breeze beyond the runway, sparkling in the golden light. As my awareness lingered in the open meadow, the harsh grating noises of the people fell away and a soft whispering peace rose up around me. Softly, time and motion tiptoed away, leaving me suspended.

Suddenly a jetliner roared in for a touchdown in a screaming fury of metal and whining turbines, setting the floor of the old cafeteria to vibrating wildly and the windows to rattling in their moldings. The machine cut into my transcendence like a knife, severing my world cleanly into two distinct planes of existence. One moment all was normal. The next, I was looking at a primitive piece of technology shadowed against a brilliant display of future glory. Soft, spacious rose-colored light opened around the plane, revealing another dimension and displaying the airliner like a dead thing in a museum. Lovely beings walked about the plane studying it, blessing it. Sparkles of pink and gold intelligence jumped and darted around the body of the jet like a benediction from a higher mind, revealing before my very eyes the presence of an enlightened world which seemed to be made up of living molecules of conscious awareness.

As the sparkling atmosphere quivered and flashed with breathtaking knowledge, knowledge that a future existed and what it was composed of, my mind - no, my entire being - joined the oneness. It was exquisite, jam-packed full of dazzling expansion that took me into the magic of a new dawn. It blew my mind wide open and then it was gone, leaving me once again in the middle of cafeteria clatter and Bob and Shirley talking as if nothing had happened.

What I had perceived in that momentary flash could have filled volumes, had I the capacity and the time to sort out the words. I sat still long moments after it passed, contemplating the revelation that came on the wings of the jetliner. Although this solid physical world had appeared, in that brief instant, locked frozen into the dimension of matter against the other lighter field of existence, still, there was nothing degrading about it. Quite the contrary. It had appeared as if a sea of intelligent beings were cradling this physical dimension with a great, wise and compassionate understanding, an infinite love that did not understand failure. Only promise existed. Promise of a golden age and the jetliner was a baby seed awaiting its fulfillment. The technology of the ’70’s did not have yet the secret of instilling awareness into matter which would open the doorways to a power vast and unifying. But it would come, and the light energy of the future vibrated with fulfillment, an unending reservoir to call upon. For one brief moment, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that life was ongoing; that there was no such thing as “death”. It was but a prelude of things to come. Little by little, the door was opening, with no inkling as to what lay ahead.


4/20/76 - My First Rapture

Shirley was two hours into the air, winging her way home to Boston, and I was alone, finally alone. Curiosity over the strange inner wind had been building up in me through the last few weeks, increasing each day that I did not give in to it.  The need to find out more about the force was developing into a desire not unlike a passion that grows between two people newly in love yet kept apart, unable to fulfill their destinies with each other. Excitement grew. Anticipation was wreaking havoc with my nerves. Two weeks had passed since I had shut it off, not willing to open strange new doors until I was free to follow where it would lead. I was not concerned about Bob’s presence. He was my protector in every way and gave me freedom. He did not look over my shoulders to see what I was doing. Besides, he had plenty to keep himself busy.

Now I was alone. Finally alone. Bob went to his desk and I went out onto the back patio and felt no pressure. I was free. I could do it. Standing in the hot noon day sun on the red tiles behind the house, I looked out over the landscape. The sturdy ten-foot walls that enclosed the terrace sloped downward here at the Northeast corner to reveal the panoramic view of the gentle Central Valley. The shimmering pastoral scene was framed by a filigree of shadowy leaves from over my head. The hills undulated into vast pasturelands which rolled into the distant humble dwellings of San Jose and beyond, merging with the mountains in the East. An unnatural stillness whispered across the landscape, magnifying my sense of ease from all pressure. I was free.

I languished in the peace and allowed my gaze to drift in the melting sunlight. Far, far away, a mist of blue hung over the doll-like city. There had been showers over the past few weeks, but not enough rain had fallen to wash away the soot and grime accumulated over the hot dry months of summer. A noon-time whistle blew somewhere and wavered across the misty miles to meet my passive senses. Accompanying the sound came scenes of swirling dust, fumes, noise and the teeming, sweating bodies of mankind. But here in Las Altos de Las Palomas, the heights of the doves, time stood still, I at its center.

Inside, Bob was settled at his desk, his mind turned once more to the state of the world's economy, entertaining ideas I was not privy to at the time. He was writing, perhaps, his weekly column for the Tico Times, an English paper dedicated to the American community in Costa Rica, or perhaps he was answering a letter from a subscriber back in the States or Canada or Germany. Whatever it was that he was doing, I did not know, nor did I care. All that mattered was that I was alone. Alone but not alone, for something or someone was near, seductive and intimate. It was also impersonal and stern. And even as I stood by the wall, soaking up the warmth of the sun-drenched tiles through the soles of my bare feet, whoever or whatever it was, moved closer. As free as I had felt before, still more anticipation fell away, allowing as it did so, the merging of two dimensions as though no door had ever existed between them.

The song of the birds and the whirring of the insects lingered in the hot, dry air as if they had no other place to go. The leaves in the trees over my head fell gently into silence as a hush covered the land. Even the gurgling of the newly-installed whirlpool behind me dropped its voice to a murmur, calm and low, as if it, too, were waiting. A lizard looked at me from the corner of his eye with awareness. As the hush came full circle and fell upon me, the immaculate order in which I stood became starkly apparent and I became conscious of - no, I would have to say simply that I became conscious.

One who is new at faith, speaks the word with uncertainty, perhaps hope, not knowing at that point in the evolution that faith or trust, is merely the beginning. One does not realize so early in the process that there is a building up of faith that increases in momentum, not unlike a wave if continued, carrying one onward and upward, higher and higher, until ultimately there is a powerful surge forward up and over the crest into a new zone that has never been seen before. There is little control after a certain point and no turning back once these forces have been put into motion and so, wrapped in the heightened embrace of mystery, I surrendered willingly and did not look back.

There was a melting, upward swing which blossomed in that lovely arc into the full bloom of awe and then eased into a gentle, other-worldly peace. Simultaneously, in all parts of my body at once, my physical nervous system sprang to life. My arms rose of their own accord and began to rotate from the wrist sockets. My hips began to gyrate in the fashion of a belly dancer and my head to roll from side to side with no conscious control on my part. I fell into the movement naturally, easily, flowing with the will of this Other as if it were my own. Once again, my mind grew sharp and lucid, zooming in on the critical action now taking place in my muscles. The undulations seemed to be controlled, but not by me, and rather quickly the vibration caused my body to resemble that of an epileptic. Soon I was bent double and my arms began to swing round and round in their shoulder sockets, like the hands of a giant clock, brushing each other as they came forward and down and back and up and forward and dawn and back and up. My fingernails scratched the tile on the first few swings and I bent the fingers inward a little, adjusting them so that they would swing free of the ground. Otherwise I allowed the action to have its way, uninhibited by my own thought.

Round and round swept the arms while my head, upside down, rotated madly between them, left to right and right to left. My feet were planted firmly on the ground, solidly connected to the earth and extending down into the soil beneath. The power of the earth was significant and seemed to be my counter-balance as a great force raged from the sun through my body, tearing it up and down and into shreds that no longer resembled its former image. This, I could merely feel. There was no pain. It was sheer force and movement through muscles. An inner wind. My attention moved slowly, objectively around my body as my limbs thrashed about in a frenzied blur. From the soles of my feet to the ligaments in my neck to the arm sockets, wrist, waist and head, I watched the violent action from an untouchable place, a place of great peace. My body was merely a ragged piece of cloth being washed, aired and shaken in the sun to dry, while I waited, unharmed for the process to be done. I was well and happy, and conscious of my body in a way I never was before. I became aware that it was growing tired, for the motion continued for a long time, and I wondered how long it would keep up. It was merely an intellectual curiosity, however, for I was determined not to interfere with this Other will. I knew it would finish when it was done, as I also knew it would not cause me harm. Yet, aches began to creep and spread insistently into the thighs and into the calves of my legs as they tensed themselves against the wild momentum of my torso and arms.

Still the movements continued and, in spite of the deeper assurance, I began to wonder if my neck was being damaged for I could feel the sharp grating of ligament upon ligament. The tiredness moved steadily onward into every crack and pore and crevice until I grew weary and drained. Still there was no sign that the force would let up. I thought to myself, perhaps I should stop it of my own accord, but I did not. No matter how tired, no matter how drained I felt, somehow it was not as important as the shaking of the body. It was crucial that I continue. And so I shook and vibrated and whirled crazily in the sunshine of Escazu - the city known as the city of the witches - and self-consciousness began to creep into my thinking. What if Bob should come out onto the patio to see what I was doing, as he was prone to do. But thought of self quickly passed away under the influence of the thing. I really didn't care if he saw me or not.

Suddenly, without warning, my body slowed down, systematically. The activity relaxed and withdrew simultaneously from all muscles at once, within a matter of seconds. The body carefully eased out of its bent position and stood straight up and down. A huge bubble of lightness swooned upward and I found myself floating suspended, without bodily weight, in a wonderful feeling of lightness, a state impossible to describe. With no will to move, I waited. Long moments passed in suspended bliss, and then the thighs tightened once more, gripping themselves firmly to the earth beneath. The hips began once more to undulate, the force coming from the abdominal region. It shivered up the spine rather quickly and branched out into the shoulders, down the arms and out the finger tips, shaking those appendages like the fragile upper branches of a tree rattling in a storm. My hands and fingers shook with such force that I opened my eyes to watch them, amazed at their speed! Energy was being literally thrown off of the tips of my fingers, lethargic, dead, toxic energy. My head became again like a spinning top and it too seemed to be shaking off dead energy. My brain and ears hummed with sound and my whole body whirred like a living buzz saw.

This second activity did not last as long as the first, but long enough that I once more grew tired, and wondered if it would ever stop. What was I getting myself into? I became acutely aware of the physical deterioration that my body had undergone over the 38 years of my life, and it seemed to be in a horrible condition. Tired and exhausted, I let the action continue without caring any more. Without wanting to know. I was committed in some primal way to the cause of the thing without understanding it. I did not know at the time that the shaking up was a rejuvenation of sorts, a very natural process as old as time itself that signifies the passage into greater life. Sort of like when the caterpiller sheds its heavy earthbound hide to emerge liberated and free as a butterfly, and when the seedling springs loose of the heavy soil into the light of day. And as far as human beings are concerned, I did not know that I was playing with an ancient process that has been known only by a handful of the world's population over the centuries, and which has been kept carefully hidden from the masses for reasons I still don't understand to this day, and so allows me to write about it. I did not know that I was dipping into the very heart of the mystery of the cosmic mystery schools. Had I known beforehand I would have instantly withdrawn (or would I?) but no warning bells clanged, no swords were raised to bar my way, and so I stumbled care-free into the garden of paradise and frolicked happily in the ethereal grasses of another world without a second's hesitation or backward glance.

My body continued to flop and twirl and bend and churn in the currents of the inner wind until once more I grew so tired I did not care. Suddenly, once again, the activity ceased without warning. It withdrew rather quickly when it was finished, and calm replaced the chaos that once had been, but like no calm I had ever felt before. I remained in the eye of peace, still, open and waiting, and while I waited I became conscious of a glow enveloping me around the head and shoulders. Its touch was almost physical, as if the softest, most delicate of silks were moving around my face, brushing against my cheeks, around my neck and shoulders. I was captured inside a crystal bubble within the confines of time and space, and during that moment in time as I waited to see what would happen next, feeling the radiation emanating through the pores of my skin, I knew myself in a way that I had never known myself before. It is the hardest part of all to describe, for words are based on human conditions, and I had been emptied of everything that makes a human being what he or she is.

In the absence of all personal considerations, the toxins of the human condition, I knew myself as quality, not as personality. All of the qualities were present that men call noble and of the higher spectrum of civilized life. These qualities, however, were known, SEEN, in such a dazzling, lucid way that by comparison their earthly counterparts such as we adore in heroes, martyrs and saints, were like shadows, tiny off shooting sparks of a passionate, sizzling, all-encompassing fire whose infinite dimensions defy capture in words.

I did not "see" or "feel" these qualities per se, but rather I was in actuality those qualities - radiations of light, love, beauty, compassion, courage, freedom, happiness, wonder, and openness to the nth degree. The quality of oneness was so complete that this is what caused the light. Nothing was in the way, nothing to distort or hide or conceal. All flowed together openly, naturally, with great ebullience, aligning with the whole of existence, everywhere. There was a singular movement, or cause, behind it all, like a mind, or a heart, a presence so to speak which collectively loved for the pure and simple act of loving. It had such a passion for life that even now as I remember, the tears flow in my eyes. This was no stagnant peace! I cannot describe the fires of love that I felt for all of life, collectively, without discrimination. It was clear that I was not a separate entity.

There was no skin, no brain, no membrane that set me apart. And yet, I was conscious of being "me". I was intimately aware of myself and conscious of spanning and including all of existance, and caring for each and every part. And all I wanted was all of me to rise and to be happy, to throw off the yoke of confusion, to heal without consequence and get on with the business of REAL living, for THIS was what it was all about.

Neither was the moment confined to a mental realization alone. It was a physical thing, for the cells of my body seemed to tingle and float freely in this wonder-essence which was not unlike oil that flowed in and around the parts of my body. A glow permeated the atoms and molecules and saturated them with this love stuff, and spilled out onto the skin into the air, buoying me upward. There was no sense of gravity. Wrapped in this splendid aura of delight, I turned then, knowing that the strange inner wind was finished with its work. And from a great distance, a distance not measureable in yards or inches, I saw Bob standing in the open doorway of the patio, watching me. As I began moving toward him, merely by willing the action, it seemed that the lower half of me did not exist. I moved on air, my head was high in another realm. The glow extended from below my chest to above my head.

I came to within a foot of Bob when the overwhelming rapture in which I was cacooned increased! A torrent of heat and love came tumbling through my body, rushing through and spilling out into the atmosphere, engulfing me and Bob. It poured from me like a fire, washing through and over me like a surging, raging need that did not sear or burn, but rather cared. It loved. It was no human love at all. Sexual love would have been consumed and swallowed up in its searing openness. No human being could have contained it and so it spilled out and washed over the land, and more came so that it never emptied. On and on it came, with no rest, no stopping, nothing to inhibit its flow. Through the rarified atmosphere of the open window only recently created, I saw that the torrent could have gone on forever, and never empty itself but rather actually increase in power. The sea of life was immense! It's yearning so great, the pressure so intense to enter the vacuum of a world unfulfilled, that it gushed through the uncapped opening like blood through an open wound, its life pumping through, never stopping, not wanting to stop. I placed my head on Bob's shoulder and the torrent engulfed him mightly but did not stop with him, but continued on and outward. This love was not meant to be contained, not meant for one person alone, but for a world, for life itself.

I could not contain this extraordinary flow for long, however, and eventually memory of my normal human condition, the needs, the wants, the plans, crept back into my mind to mingle with the bliss of my former wideness. For a long time we stood motionless in the fading glow until, without speaking, we parted and went our way without speaking. The heights to which I soared remained for days afterwards. It seems strange that I have never spoken of this experience to Bob, but it could not be verbalized then. Only now, eight years later as I am writing this, does hind-sight give me the perspective to even attempt to capture the experience in words. Only by way of these written pages will Bob come to know a little of what has been going on all these many years subjectively, within me.

Bob has been intimately connected to what has happened to me but in ways I don't understand. It is as if he is a silent partner whose function is never clear. Certainly he has been the disciplinarian that I have needed when I least wanted one. And certainly he has been the stern militarist who has forced me to face my own errors. And he has been the father who hugs me when I cry over imagined failures, keeping me afloat in those negative washes. And he it is who later insists I eat a hearty meal of meat and potatoes when I would rather eat vegetables, laughing at me over my earlier trauma, making it light, forcing me into the present. And he is my lover, too. It was he who introduced me to all of the hidden facets of my physical self, who taught me not only about my own body, but opened the way to love others, too, showing me how to love lovingly, indiscriminately, elevating sex and sensuality while others all around me put it down. He has been a cold and calculating critic of my writings, slashing, rejecting without mercy, regardless of my deep personal feelings:

"It's too religious,” he would say. “No one wants to read that shit!" forcing me to spell it out in everyday words. But, he has stayed awake through the night when the demons came, warding off the evil with his caring, holding me in his arms. He has been my friend and confidant in every way but this, the most important part of me - the transcendent movements, the golden awareness that dawns on the inside of my mind and body. We never discuss it. He warns me not to play with it. He is an ever present anchor pulling me down and away from the influences I long for, insisting that I pay more attention to the practical world. Yet, it is his advice that allows me to reach higher ground. His hard edges keep me in the center of the upward thrust. Yes, he is an enigma I have yet to understand.
 

5/10/76 - The Little Red Book
 
One lovely morning after Shirley left, ne lovely morning we decided to take a trip into the city. Over the last few weeks the uplifting inner wind has been ever present, ebbing and flowing. When it ebbs, as it was now, it gently laps the shores of my life reminding me it is there. It does not go away. My mind is ever sprinkled with star dust from regions beyond, but it is soft and leaves me alone to do my normal life. Yet there is an opening in me through which another kind of light comes in and spreads around, not just my mind but everywhere in my body. It is as if a light has been turned on inside of me. It is light because there are no walls to obstruct it, but it has movement too. My muscles register an activity. It is spacious, giving me a sense of being immortal or eternal.

When the inner presence recedes like the tide of the ocean falling back, I don’t have the visions in the same way as when it is at full flow, so I can carry on my day as normal. But there is a sense of limitlessness around and in me. It whispers around me like specters haunting me with their presence but not interfering. The sea is ever present to those who live by the shore and one smells it, feels its freshness and its breezes on the skin. This was like a sea, full of aliveness and newness, and in spite of myself I smiled a lot. I had a great, awesome, supernatural, out-of-this-world secret inside of me and I didn’t know what to do with it. It was filling me with hope and love and tempting me to come with it and play. It was like a secret lover who remains hidden out of sight but who waits for the next tryst.

Yet I was brimming with a need to know. It wasn’t all roses as I am painting here, though I remember the beauteous part better than the not-so-pleasant. My mind was often in a frenzy, whirling faster than ever, like a pinwheel in a strong wind, trying to figure it out, trying to make sense, trying to balance the craziness. Neurons sputtering and flying in all directions. It was often like being in the middle of a tornado swirling through the house and throwing everything onto the floor in jumbles. I was often unstable but thankfully I had Bob for balance. He was kind and wise and patient, and I held onto him whenever I needed to, like a railing one grabs for support. What was this thing? What was I to do with it? Why me? Where is it taking me? Is it dangerous as Shirley suggested? Should I find a teacher? So many questions and no answers.

Bob and I walked often in the city of San Jose, exploring things. We would drive to the Tico Times office where he delivered his Money Doctor article for the small English-language paper, or go to a store to look at furnishings, or stop at Maynard and Marg’s to visit with them, or to the Mercado to pick up some meat and vegetables. Life was an adventure. Life is not always happy. It has its ups and downs. But our life seemed always to be an adventure. We were in a honeymoon stage, not just with each other but with this new country and its people. Everything we saw was exciting. “Oh, look at that!” And “Oh, look at this cute little restaurant. Let’s come back here for lunch!” And when we came home, Bob insisted we sit down on the sofa and talk to “Mr. Tape”. We recorded everything we did, the feelings we had, the inspirations, thoughts, impressions, we put it all on tape.  “Hello, Mr. Tape,” we would start out, and then tell the story of our day, which was full of discovery.

I wore long dresses for comfort, even in the city. They allowed me to breathe, and when it rained I took my shoes off and walked barefoot down the broken sidewalks. I would notice sometimes that as I walked my fingers were dancing, like a ballet dancer’s. And they sparkled. The energy that was always there just below the surface threatened to break out at any moment and cause me to twirl or shimmy or dance, but I held it in check. I felt it periodically rise to my chest ready to explode into happiness but I was learning to control it. Even now, trying to capture it in words 35 years later, I can still feel the energy wanting to explode everything that is human and break out of this limiting box and dance with the divine. But I was learning to control it.

On this particular day we were walking down a sidewalk among throngs of people and I saw myself in a window, reflecting back my own image. I had on a long orange sun dress that went to my ankles. My hands were stretched out and fingers dancing. My stature was tall with short blond hair. I was a rather strange sight amongst the darker diminutive Costa Rican people who were so sweet and humble in their gentle ways. I had been told that, yes, I looked different but because I was a foreigner I could get away with dressing the way I did. It was acceptable.

Just then we were passing a book store and spontaneously I turned left and went in without thinking. Bob followed me. Without looking around, as if pulled by a magnetic force, I walked down the left-hand isle to the back of the store to a little red book on a shelf about chest high. It seemed to reach out to me. It was small, with a very thin spine, almost lost in the larger books around it. But it was saying to me, “Look at me! Look at me!” And it nearly jumped out of its place and into my hands. It was red all over and in gold letters on the front cover was “Kundalini, an occult experience” by G.S. Arundale. As if in trance I said to Bob, “This book is for me. We have to buy it.”

As soon as we got into the little orange Honda we had purchased upon arriving in Costa Rica, I opened the book excitedly and started reading out loud. Bob, in his usual stoic way, said nothing. He seldom showed what he was thinking. Picking up on his disinterest, my reading turned inward to myself alone. I continued reading all the way home and into the house and on through the afternoon when the rains came. And I learned something. On page 36 the message popped out at me through the lacey filigree of abstract sentences:  

“I wonder whether I ought not to speak of these more definite stages in the growth of Kundalini as the conscious directing of the Force, rather than as an ‘awakening‘. Wherever there is life, there is Kundalini more or less awake, and awakening. But the conscious direction and handling of its power is another matter altogether.”

Running excitedly to Bob I said to him, “It’s all about directing this energy. I have to direct it. I wonder where I should direct it?” And so began an afternoon of mulling over where to direct this energy. What do I want to do with it? Where should it go? Being so caught up in the moment of living life to its fullest, I didn’t have any ambitions. No unfinished business. Nothing I needed to accomplish. This was a dilemma. I had developed myself to be an open channel to the higher forces even before kundalini arrived. So now I am supposed to “aim” it? How could this be? I don’t want to “aim” my life at anything. But this was indeed serious. I had felt the power of the kundalini and  needed to do something with it or it would blow my mind. Indeed the author said as much.

Here I will throw in a few excerpts which I read that day, for they spoke out loud and clear to me.  This little book validated for me not only that the energy was real but there was a historical record of it. Someone else knew about it too. I wasn’t the only person in the world who had this crazy, outlandish, out-of-body experience. The book was copyrighted in 1938 by the Theosophical Publishing House in India. The year I was reading it was 1976, 38 years later and I was 38 years old.  

”It is the Fire of Life and therefore flows through all. But it may flow either as a gentle stream, simply vitalizing, or it may be directed into special channels and become a raging torrent, let us hope subordinated to great purpose so that the raging is a purposeful, disciplined raging, though a raging none the less.”

“It tends to flow along the lines of least resistance, and sometimes such lines may lead downwards and not upwards, with indescribably disastrous effect."

“Nowadays, in the case of many, Kundalini must be developed in the market-places, where the danger is great and not in the forests, where the danger is minimized."

“Can the brain stand the pressure? This is, perhaps, the principal question with regard to the arousing of Kundalini....”

“Are the inner bodies adequately developed and controlled, and is the physical vehicle recovered from such educative misuse as must inevitably have taken place during the long ages of development?”

“It may in fact be a case of the spirit being willing but the flesh being weak, a case of the Ego being ready but the lower bodies being weak, for the reason that the physical body in its existing condition is unable to stand the strain of Kundalini.”

“Hence, the brain is a great danger point, for disaster will be the result of an overstrained brain. The path of occultism, it is said, is strewn with wrecks. I venture to think that the path of the arousing of Kundalini, even if only in the very first stages, is strewn with even more wrecks.”

While the warnings of danger were everywhere present in the book, the looming vastness pulsated physically through me and around me and blotted out the significance of any danger. I was being assured over and over that all is well and on course. So in the soft and gentle easiness of my state of mind, I decided to direct the energy to Bob. It made perfect sense because he had been worried about money. He had been my benefactor, mentor, soul mate, lover and partner and we were linked together as one person, and he had been recently worried about money. He had left his job in Los Angeles when he had had a major heart attack, and while he had a trust fund left by his mother, it wasn’t going to be enough to sustain us for long, and I had no money of my own. Now that I had been told to make a conscious choice, to make a conscious decision to direct the energy somewhere, into something or someone, I decided to direct it to Bob. Simply Bob.

The invisible wheels went into motion the next day. He received a phone call from someone who had read his Money Doctor column in the Tico Times. They wanted an appointment with him to discuss investments in Costa Rica. Apparently the little English-language paper went to 58 countries around the world because it was a neat little tax haven with no extradition laws. I accompanied Bob to the meeting and sat quietly listening. As the group of men talked I was aware of the significance of what was happening. The familiar quickening began all over my body at once and I directed my thought to Bob. Immediately the quickening localized in my right arm which began to quiver. I gripped the arm of the chair in which I sat harder, to prevent its rising and shaking and continued focusing on Bob from my lower regions where I first felt the “click” take place on that first day.

Bob spoke magnificently. There was power in his speaking. He formed a better, more connected “whole” to his presentation, with a sense of integrity and purpose. The potential clients were impressed. They decided to invest their money in Costa Rica. I cannot remember the specific details for I was not interested. I was there merely to support Bob. But what happened after was an explosion of activity into which I was caught like a fly in a web for the next four years. And here I was, deep inside the market place as the author Arundale had said, but with the uncanny presence of other-world dimensions processing me every step of the way. And me not understanding why.

Shortly after that appointment, Bob had several meetings with significant people and became a seat holder on the newly formed Costa Rican stock exchange, the only foreign owner of a seat. He found a Spanish-speaking partner to go into business with him, he had clients with money to buy stocks with, and we found an office for rent over a restaurant down town. We bought several desks, chairs and filing cabinets and moved in. We filed all the right papers with the government, and soon we were in business under our personal corporation called “Bona” for Bob and Nancy. Our lives  changed virtually overnight from a life of easy-going retirement to a frenzied work life, traveling every morning down the mountain to the city and coming home every night frazzled but on a high. It was all part of the adventure.

Here I must stop and gather my thoughts, for the next four years must be carefully handled. I do not want to get caught up in the minutiae of detail. This is a story about the kundalini, not about the outer world. How did kundalini handle me being in the market place? And how did I manage kundalini in the chaos of it all? This is what I seek to address here, so I will search my memory banks for those lucid moments that are indelibly printed within me. These are the moments that shine with a light that pulled me up and out of the mundane. They are significant. They hold valuable information that I want to mine.  The outer world happenings are just shadows of this fantastic journey.

For instance the time Bob and I were driving to San Jose one morning and, just as we stopped at the blinking yellow light to turn left into town, a huge semi truck honked his excruciatingly loud horn as he roared past us and plunged on through the yellow light without stopping. I had already put cotton my ears to try to mute the sounds of the city, but it didn’t do much good. In a split second I was - how can I say this - I was falling off the edge of the Earth into blackness. That’s exactly how it was. I was rolling down the curvature of the planet, which was black enough in its own right but the outer void was even blacker. I screamed, a blood-curdling sound to my own ears, because I knew it was the end for me. The blackness was terrifying. I cannot put into words the bottomless infinite immenseness of nothingness into which I was about to fall and disappear forever.

Suddenly I was pulled back. Someone or something grabbed me and held me from going over the brink into what seemed to be beyond death. I found myself sitting once more in the front seat of the Honda still at the traffic light. Bob was just beginning to pull out into the main road. I sat frozen in shock. My entire body was shaking in a state of recovery from certain death. I couldn’t speak. Eventually, I looked at Bob who hadn‘t seemed to notice and asked, “Did I scream back there?”  

“No,” he said, and I told him what happened. He didn’t say anything.

This experience tells me that there is Someone watching. Someone invisible to me and my senses is definitely watching, for whoever it was reached out and saved me from falling over the edge of, who knows what or where I would have ended up? The brink of sanity is a scary phrase, but I thought it then. Who is it who can reach out and help in such a fashion when nobody else knows there is an emergency and you can’t help yourself?  Who are they? What are they? Why don’t we have more information on this? Why are we left with such a mystery?

5/15/76 - Why me? 
  
Why me? My sister and I wondered about this in the days following the episode in the gym. At the ashram in Blairstown she had seen people jump up and down during meditation sessions in an attempt to dislodge the kundalini. It is a known science in the Jain sect and other East Indian religions. Those who are on the spiritual path in the East are so much further ahead of us in the West in knowledge of the kundalini. A 5,000 year culture exists with ancient scriptures telling tales of such things. But, still, she said, it was rare that it happened. Kundalini didn’t just come knocking whenever someone asked for it. It was even more rare for kundalini to awaken in a person who knew nothing about it and had not engaged in a lifetime of strict disciplines to get ready for it. So why me?
 
Well, I have some thoughts on the subject.  Namely four. First, Charles Arundale talks about detachment from all things personal. I had detached. I had left my family and two little children. Eight years prior I experienced the dark night of the soul in the form of a breakdown of everything that I was. I was hanging on with a thread and that thread was going to be cut. I had a dramatic vision, a premonition that I was going to die but a spiritual voice entered at the darkest point, at the extreme bottom of the abyss saying that I could leave, as in escape, if I wanted to. So I had left my family, cutting all strings, burning all bridges and moved to another state. This was done after coming face to face with my own death which I will detail later. That could be considered a major detachment from all things personal.
 
Second, my next life had become happily and lovingly sexually active in the five years leading up to the kundalini episode. I was having orgasms each time Bob and I made love, which was almost daily. While spiritual-path authors frown on sex as being an anti-path, I do not believe this is true. I think it is a false teaching for reasons unknown, for I was having a love affair with my husband which was fun, adventurous, satisfying in all ways, bar none. My husband was a wise man, practical, intelligent, supportive, protective and also was an expert lover of women. He had awakened me sexually and life was good.  
 
Third, I had had previous lives on the spiritual path and was probably ready. This did not become apparent to me until many years later. Arundale speaks of how it takes many lifetimes to prepare for kundalini awakening. I am certain that I had many lifetimes in such a manner. As a child my mother had a library of spiritual books, which my sisters and I were free to browse through. At the age of 15 I read The Life and Teachings of the Masters of the Far East by Baird Spaulding. This book was a revelation to me. I related to the five volumes completely. The author told his story of traveling through the remote regions of the Himalyan Mountains and meeting the Tibetan immortals and masters of the Great White Brotherhood. I devoured the books, while insights and recollections sparkled and twinkled all through the pages so I knew they were true.
 
Fourth and last, when my sister Shirley, two years older than me, came to visit me in Costa Rica, she had been a student of her guru for a number of years. I am certain she carried the link from Muniji Sushil that ignited the kundalini in me. It is said that just a touch of a feather can do it when one is ready. It was in her presence during a guided meditation when it happened. As Arundale says, Kundalini is a fire and it is everywhere present, albeit burning gently, and a conscious mind that has picked it up and holds it as a belief, enhances it. I believe that Shirley carried the heightened spark from her own teacher and unknowingly overlaid it upon my own. I was fertile ground, ready after many lifetimes on the spiritual trail. Happy, content and at peace with myself and the world, with an open sexual center and a positive love life, with a protector/guide in my husband, and having spiritually prepared former lives, I believe I was a prime candidate to have the kundalini awaken in me. From an objective point of view, I believe the circumstances were perfect. But there were other factors that I should include if I am to go back down the trail to explore “Why me?“ I had made contact with the Galactics thirteen years earlier.
 
George Adamski was rather famous in the 50’s as a UFO contactee. He was the author of “Inside the Space Ships”, where he told the story of meeting Orthon from Venus on the California desert. I heard him speak during a public lecture in the 1960’s in Rochester, New York. Living in Massachusetts at the time, married and pregnant with my first child, a woman friend of my mother’s and I drove to the home of the woman who sponsored him. I recognized him instantly. Where had I met him before? I was shy, just 25, he was already in his 70’s. With an instant liking, I became one of the inner circle of supporters. It was deja vu. In the two or three short visits east from California, Mr. Adamski would tell me many things of a spiritual or esoteric nature, which I’ll skip over for the moment to keep the story brief, but this association changed my life.  I was only able to spend short periods of time with Mr. Adamski, but he touched me in a way I didn’t understand at the time. He was the conveyor of messages from advanced extraterrestrial civilizations, chiefly from fifth dimensional Venus, but there were others from our solar system as well. 


5/17/76 - Working with the force

This morning I woke up with a sensation. I lay in bed and sensed for the first time, a substance, if you could call it that, to the forces flowing within me. It used to be an indefinable thing, an invisible force which seemed to be energy. As I lay with my eyes closed, it seemed to me, though words are not easily adapted to such feelings, that there was a substance to this force, something like the sap in the trees, though not literally. It seemed so much to be like sap, I imagined a tree sprouting out of the center, just below the naval. And I felt myself to be a tree trunk, with the life sap flowing throughout the body. It felt good, to be able to feel a substance. It makes all the experiences seem more real, more visible and more definable. And more me.
 
In the jaccuzzi I let the movements happen, as they do frequently when I think of them. I thought seriously of what direction to take with these forces. Yesterday I read again the Kundalini book to find some clue as to how to use these forces. I let the focus go to the plants in the patio and my arm raised to send energy to them, but this was mellow and quiet, not vibrating, for my consciousness was not keen, but wondering. I sat still and wondered about this and thought about focusing on developing the healing powers. This did not seem to click. I thought of Bob and our work together, and it occurred to me to focus the energies that have been developing, back into ourselves - to Bob and to me - for the purpose of heightening and expanding whatever is to come.
 
I told Bob about this decision, so to speak, and explained that to me it was like pruning back a tree. Cut off the long spindley branches to re-direct the energies back to center to make it stronger. The book said that the development of Kundalini is very natural and a subconscious happening. But to develop it in force requires conscious direction, not random. This is a whole different thing, according to the book. It seems to me that this is where I am now. Kundalini IS the life force that we have been talking about between ourselves. We do not get turned on by a strange word, it is all the same force.
 
The phone rang and Bob went to answer it. I felt good having affirmed my decision to Bob, and my body started to sway. I refocused it. It felt like I was cutting off a random growth and sending it back to center. I sent it to Bob, simply by thought, and the waves of energy tingled through my body as if in affirmation that this was right and good. The conscious knowledge of doing something with understanding - to direct growth through knowledge - this to me is significant. My hands then raised, rather quickly, to form a cup and the cup raised over my face and mouth, my head went back as if to drink in the energies just now flowing, back into myself for a purpose. A purpose seems to be the key. I told Bob about this act. I don’t know if he really feels the full significance as it is meaning to me, but I feel good by affirming my actions. It feels like a conscious commitment, and a necessary one for me. The phone call was from an American who is looking for a direction here in Costa Rica. We are to have an appointment with him this afternoon.
 
We went to our appointment. Mr. L is a finder of people and puts them together for investment purposes. He brought together two people, a woman broker from Florida and a Lebanese man from the Middle East. They are looking for a way to send money into the American system for investment. Bob and the woman knew mutual friends and they found a common ground quickly. The man just listened. Mr. L said nothing and I listened. Shortly I remembered why I was there, to create an atmosphere of energy. I focused on the flow and felt the tingle. The sensation lasted throughout the conversation and ceased when the heavier matters were accomplished. I felt an easy flowing, as though with a purpose. I noticed a feeling of heat at the base of my spine which seemed to glow, spreading outward like a sun. I remembered the book talking about Kundalini as a sun which glows and spreads wider and wider with development and use. It was the first time it felt so definite. A definite glow is the only way I can describe it. I noticed my hand wanting to raise and go out. I concentrated on keeping my elbow on the chair arm, but my hand opened to the person talking. My hand changed and faced whoever was talking at the time. It seemed to be sending. I could feel a stronger sensation of prickles in the palm of the right hand. I tried to keep it subtle, fingers half closed as a casual thing.
 
I felt a heightened atmosphere in the room, a sensation of a ball of energy surrounding the five people and in the center between them. It was definitely heightened. A great receptivity was happening to the broker and the Lebonese man. Mr. L was darting his eyes from them to Bob. It seemed as though he was surprised. He didn’t say anything. He was carefully observing. Bob was magnificent, and flowed with a higher knowledge and purpose than I’ve ever heard from him. I felt a definite channel was being grooved. We are to see them on Monday. I think they want to do something here. (This meeting launched a new business for Bob in San Jose.) 


6/12/76 - Learning to direct the force

We saw Ramon yesterday and two other men and we talked of the business end, of the possible association with the Academy. But we talked of the energy force afterwards, and he told me more in the way of confirmation, making me want to spend more time with him and possibly his group. I do not know them. He has seen a person who was trying to make this contact with the kundalini force go nuts. It was too much for him. He has seen others who suffered ailments of one form or another. But I have already been warned. I know this to be true. I am convinced that any ailments or problems are the direct result of “trying”. This is a NATURAL force and it glows and expands WHEN IT IS TIME, according to the unfoldment of the soul. I use soul as compared to who we think we are, for we think we know ourselves. We do not. We know only what we know, but we do not know what we do not know, and that is much more. To try as so many are trying to contact the energy forces of the universe, such as the yoga and spiritual and mystic students by directing concentrated energy (mind energy) into themselves, is similar to compacting energy into a metal housing to create the bomb. It simply is not a natural evolution. It is being directed by an intelligence that does not quite know how it works, and therefore is susceptible to error. The only perfection there is the universal force itself. The only way we can come close to perfection is by stepping along side the universal force, giving up the mind to it. But not by trying. This is such a subtle difference.
 
I thought this morning as I was doing movements, not to move so much. Ramon suggested I try to direct this force and not dissipate it. I directed the force, gently, and nothing happened. The movements slowed down. I became more aware of a deeper level within myself. I consciously said to myself, “Don’t dissipate the energy, keep in line, for a purpose, the purpose to go straight forward, in truth whatever you have to do.” I became aware that I was no longer talking to myself. I was simply talking, and saying, “I am the energy” and I identified with it. There was no distant goal to achieve. I was life, I am life and need nothing more. I thought, “But how do I do this thing, what do I do and where do I send this energy?”
 
I am on the patio. I felt then a kinship to the patio, the sun, my own body, a oneness with the things around me. I became aware, like a moving film strip, things. That there is no miracle to be sought, no knowledge of a greater nature, no distant goal to be set up. There is nothing more profound and miraculous than the act of life as it is happening right now. This is the sacred mystery and no one knows. We look elsewhere. It is beneath our feet, at our fingers, the food we eat, the thoughts we think, these processes are awesome and themselves worthy of bending at the knees before them. It is indeed a mystery to explain. As I try to direct, I feel a door close on me. When I try to understand, the door closes. All attempts fail me. And when I think to myself, “I don’t know, I don’t understand, show me,” then my mind becomes a simple child and wonders pass before it. But when I try to reach out and grab onto them and claim ownership, the door begins to swing shut on me. I lose it when I reach for it.

I want to tell people this, but when I try, again I fail. My only desire is to give myself up to this power. It is greater than I am. I want truth, but I can’t have truth unless I give myself up to it. The only way to gain something is to release it. I desire to see this truth and knowledge and perception in the world. I see it missing all around me. I desire this so much but I must give up caring and trying, knowing at the same time that it will happen only to the degree that I give up. I desire to be pliable soley to the movements within me. Whatever they lead me to do, I will do. My only desire is to obey, no other person, no other force, but the one which is flowing within me and I know to be flowing in other people. I feel, as I did in a vision once, like I am a small leaf on the end of a long, long branch. and when the wind shakes through the tree, it vibrates through the trunk and out through the branches, and I at the very outermost end move when I am told to move. I am grateful to know this, and the more I give myself to this power, the greater the glow becomes inside.
 
It is similar to what the world calls love, but the world does not know love really. It is a warm feeling that belongs. It is that something missing which one doesn’t realize he has missed until he has found it. It is a feeling of being in the arms of a great and wise personage, but not really a personage, an intelligence. An intelligence capable of all the virtues dreamed of by men. And when I act upon its guidance, my reward is this feeling which begins ever so subtly and slowly, almost unnoticeably, in the solar plexus region. But I am quoting. To me it feels like it starts just halfway between navel and groin, and half way between front and back. Dead-center in the bowl of the lower half of the body. And when I become aware of it, it is simply warm and it becomes warmer, and I feel like a child when this happens. I never realized this before.

But now as I am feeling it as I type, I can identify with a feeling of humility, you might say, though that is not it either. It is like someone else is taking care of you, and you know it, and you love him and you let him care for you. You don’t have to try, you don’t have to know everything. You don’t have to “sink or swim” as so many people say. You know that there is really a guardian over your life and interests - and more, it is a guardian which is capable of love. This love is a burning and consuming thing though I have not felt it to such a degree. I have felt it flame and grow dim and I have felt its qualities. I cannot talk enough about it to do it justice.
 
But as I become aware of its presence and existence in my life, I become aware of its presence binding me to other people. It seems to be the same flow of energy running through the other person too. And if that person is open I feel a flaming up of this feeling, and I know he felt it too. But when that person is closed, it stops in me, too. For me to continue to feel this thing, to expand upon its capabilities, requires open-minded people. We are so inter-dependent!! We don’t even know half of it yet. One day, we may wake up and find we are all fingers on one hand, or something similar.
 

6/14/76 - A field of grass, a city white and gleaming
​
Standing at the cement wall I faced east to the city this morning. The air was as soft as to be hardly noticeable, but I could sense it, feel its aliveness. I could feel the molecules and the flow of that energy (life) I have such a hard time describing. It is as clear as a bell to me and yet there are no words to describe this essence - essence is the closest I think. Perhaps I will coin a word for this.
 
The sun filtered through the leaves to the patio. It was over the trees. I stood in the shade, focused inside. My eyes were open, focused deep inside. I feel such a love for this thing - there is no other word. Again, I felt the sense of movement. It is only that - a sense. Like a ripple of thought that barely whispers through my body. I’m ultra alert to it. I did not submit to it at first. I am so struck by this phenomena I am overly cautious not to let myself imagine these movements. I would rather hold back and see it work without question. I want it to move me, not for me to move it. I waited and my left arm tugged a little away from the cement on which it was resting. I didn’t let it. I waited, wanting a definite movement to happen. I was alert. My left arm pulled. I let it fall away from the cement. This seemed to break the inanimation - the waiting. I turned then, without knowing why - all I can say is that I did it without thinking, without realizing I did it. I turned and walked back toward the far corner where the sun flooded down.
 
The movements began immediately, by raising the arms and bending at the waist. It is like music enters my body, though I cannot hear audibly. I feel a rhythm that I can only relate to as musical feeling. My body seems to adapt itself like clay. No, more like sand in the wind, never stopping. I can feel a harmony going on inside my body, it feels as though literally the cells and molecules are aligning themselves to a greater force than I could do by myself. It makes me physically and mentally extremely well. There are no other words to describe this. I am conscious of where I am, on the patio in the sun, but this morning for the first time, I slipped away in my awareness, and without realizing, softly, I became aware of a vast rolling field of grass, growing and blowing in the wind. The air was soft, and warm with the sun, and there was the freshness of nature as a fragrance. I could smell it, hear it, my senses were extremely sensitive to the place. In the distance to the right, there was a city. It was shining white and gleaming in the sun. There were mountains rolling blue in the backdrop. I felt this place as though I were there. It was an elevating place. It made me feel as though I belonged there. It was good. I wanted to go to the city but it was not supposed to be. I was only conscious of being in the midst of the field, like a sea of rippling silver-green grass. It was light, like silver, white, the grass.
 
I wish I could describe not the place, but the feelings I have - the force of life, the energy which ignites everything into flame, into life, it’s like nothing I can describe. It is a sense, of intelligence, a sense of life, life is the best word, the essence of life, life pure, it is something you could never see visually. It is a sense - a sense of an essence. But never mind. It is not meant to be described, it is meant to be known. But this is what moves us, me, you, and we can’t escape it. It impresses me. I am becoming convinced, after talking to Bob about this, that I should NOT direct this thing. It seems to be taking me where I could never direct myself alone. I would rather let it teach me.


6/20/76 - Revelations at the rifle range

Costa Rica at the rifle range. Bob is shooting, I am writing, Kundalini happened two months ago in April. I was in the movements several days ago, and again I thought of this direction people talk about. That I must learn to direct this force that has been happening to me, but - it was all wrong! It just wasn’t right to manipulate it that way. I dug deeply into myself, like a tree digs its roots deep into black soil, and I thought almost with a shudder - No. I can’t control life. I am life - it controls me. I give myself to life. I felt like a rock, so firm, so sure. I felt like the earth, so balanced and so open to whatever comes my way because life has a purpose and a direction which necessitates every part of it to pull together. Who am I to know what this path is?? How can I assume to know and to change things? Only when the time is right, am I told what to do and when. But until then I can only listen, absorb and be at peace.
 
With that, the movement took me to bend over and reach the tiles, touch them beneath me. I was so at peace with myself and the earth. And deep, deep inside where no one could possibly see the action, I grasped a hint of the unlimited that I used to seek in books and with my mind. I wish I could give myself to it faster. The more I give myself to it the surer and more astounding is my life and my capabilities. I feel a non-tangible sense of something impossible to describe - sort of like something is surrounding me with total absorption powers. It absorbs and absorbs and I am at one with it. It is warm, peaceful, like someone who cares is holding me, someone who cares very much, but more than I could conceive. The feeling is that I should not try to understand it, but lie with it peacefully and let it absorb me.
 
I trust it ultimately. It is the only thing I can truly trust for it has no mind - it just is there, rock firm and never to go away. It is the reason I can do the things I do more and more. I am changing. People will notice the changes and will wonder how such a once-quiet person could be so drastically loud!! That is why, I guess, I am writing these things. For future reference, but more for those who are trying to find answers themselves. Trust yourself, trust yourself like you have never trusted anyone before. Should you be at the point of death you give yourself over to this power of life. Why not give yourself to it now?
 
My direction is simple, as I have been advised that I should direct this force. All energy I feel - I am talking about a definite movement out of the ordinary now - is to be directed back into myself. To make me more flexible to it, to mold me more and more into it. I have had glimpses of things to come if I persevere. In fact, last week I spent several days with such a feverish energy flow no one could have stopped me if I had had something to do! But as it was, there was not much to do. Although Bob and I have several courses going but they are going smoothly. Life is easy and good here. The time spent on the patio - I have a sense that it is an extraordinary time of my life and that I should appreciate it - it may not last. I am in and out of the water. I feel so sensitive to everything but especially to my own body, flesh and blood and movements. Deep within the flesh I can feel it, it’s amazing. Usually you only sense yourself on the surface of the skin as contact with something else occurs. But you really can become sensitized so that you are conscious inside too, feeling and aware of your body both inside and out. People whom I’ve mentioned this to don’t believe me. I wish I could teach them how, but of course, I can’t.
 
I keep digging deeper, reaching deeper inside myself. Standing very still on the corner of the patio looking over the valley and towards San Jose, I stand there often. I wonder what Bob really thinks I’m doing. Time seems to stand still when I am so aware of myself. My attention is drawn almost like a magnet to somewhere deep inside myself. Never unconscious, as I was telling Marg and Maynard, it is not a trance. I am never more alert. I may not respond to a sudden noise, as though I were alert, but that is because I am in touch with more important things. But a curious thing, and I think a key point in this whole thing, my conscious perception seems to go inward only so far and then it stops. I can imagine and conjure as best I can, but beyond that edge I cannot go. And yet, as time goes on and with practice, this edge keeps deepening. So I keep trying to go deeper, trying to grasp and understand what I am doing, what I am contacting, because strength comes with conscious knowledge. Unconscious does me no good. I am sure this is meditation, but I am equally sure that people who practice it don’t practice it sufficiently, or to their capacity. Else we would have some remarkably talented people around and I don’t see too many. Sometimes, I wonder where they are because I can’t be the only one who’s contacting this thing. To quote: strength is born of knowledge. The more I understand who and what I am REALLY, the stronger I am and the more I can do. Such strength will be felt by the society, it is not a plaything to while away empty hours. It is a positive flow of energy. Once stimulated into being it will affect people and it cannot be turned back.

 
8/2/76 - Meeting the psychic surgeon

We have been getting the office ready for the brokerage firm, with the help of D and D. Since we have picked up the pace for the new office, I have been getting more and more hyper. I feel an energy level unreal. It is so much to me that it worries me. My head pounds sometimes and I don’t know what to do about it. The other day I expressed myself more and more until I was exploding almost. I am worried. I find it hard to cope with. I saw an edge to my sanity the other day, over which I am afraid to fall. It is like a tremendous force filling me over. My energy level is superior to anything. And now I must learn how to stop this. Bob and I have been asking questions and talking about this, so as to find an answer. I need a confirmation. The other day we ran into some people who just brought a spiritual healer to Costa Rica. They are keeping it hush-hush and mysterious, but they recognized that I would be good to talk to.
 
Today they came over for lunch, Bob went downtown for a meeting with the president of the Board at the Bolsa [new Costa Rican stock exchange]. Bob was a little worried about my seeing these people - afraid perhaps of my falling victim again to spiritualist theories. But he knew I needed to talk to him. Feliciano is his name, a 39-year-old from the Phillipines. At 16 he was taken over by a force similar to mine. His father helped him through it, and he has been healing ever since, though he says it is not his first choice. He would rather be a farmer.
 
Feliciano and his wife, Barbara, an American, and another couple, Al and Gabie, arrived and we went through the bedroom where the dog was in the process of giving birth to some puppies, and out through the glass door onto the patio. The mood was light and casual. Feliciano walked around, seeming to be in thought, and then smiled broadly. He said he felt like he was floating, the vibrations were so nice. He walked to one corner and said they were especially strong there. I don’t know why, unless, as Barbara said, there was water under there. We went back in to see the dog. There were seven puppies, and Feliciano said there were no more in her.
 
We sat in the rocking chairs and had fruit drinks, I had coffee. The sun was half out, to be warm but not hot. The jaccuzzi was hot - it has been on for several days. I asked them if they wanted to go in. They didn’t want to. They wanted to talk. After a few feeling-out sentences, I started to explain what I was bothered about. Barbara suggested he could tell better if he saw me in action. I was self-conscious but the atmosphere was free. I got up and the feeling had just contacted when Feliciano said, “It’s coming!” and at that moment, the force took me to bend over dramatically. He said again, “It’s coming!” and he laughed. Then he said, “Sit down!” I did and asked him what it was.
 
He said there was a golden ray coming down and entering me at the back of the head or the neck, pointing at it. He said there is a spirit which is wanting to work through me, and has been trying to work through me. Barbara explained that Feliciano had three spirit guides working with him, helping him heal. He is a spiritual surgeon. He goes into the body with his fingers, no knife, no hole, but slides in between the molecules, so they say. They talked and I listened, not ready to accept the guide story. Feliciano did not talk much. Barbara did most of it, with the other couple filling in. Feliciano said that my solar plexus was wide open and it was still coming through. He said I should learn to close it, otherwise I would attract parasites. I’m not sure what he meant by this. I was feeling the flow. My body was rather warm. It has been over the last 3 or 4 days or so. I told them I thought I was going through the change of life. He asked me how old I was. 38 I told him. He laughed. He said the warmth was the healing power. He saw that it was still flowing. He said, use it. Go touch Gabie’s throat right now. She had a problem. I went and touched it and my body started the breathing out deeply. I closed my eyes. I felt the hand and arm vibrate. He placed my other hand on the back of Gabie’s head. I was self-conscious and couldn’t feel the force. I stopped the heavy breathing. He told me to breathe heavy.
 
His voice carried conviction. He did not waste any words. In fact, he didn’t speak as much as I would have liked. I went back and sat down and he saw that it was gone before I did. He said, while my hands were still on Gabie’s throat that “it is going away, it is receding.” Then it was still coming after I sat down. The top of my head was pounding. I asked him how to stop that. I’m afraid I honed in too closely on questions, not permitting the answers to come freely. After a while, he asked if I wanted him to stop it. I didn’t quite know what he meant, and I said yes. His vibes were safe. They brought me into the bedroom and I laid down. All four of them placed their hands on me and it did feel as though they were taking the hyper feelings away. In its place, it was cool and refreshing. Barbara said Feliciano always was full of energy after a healing. So this hyper feeling is apparently common among psychic healers. While he worked on me his hands rubbed my forehead, my eyes, my neck, my chest and shoulders and arms. He pushed into the solar plexus and felt a few things there and mentioned them. His thrust was very firm and hard.
 
Later, I felt so good I felt the movements coming back and I smiled to myself, thinking the whole thing defeated itself. Feliciano sat upright on the chair in the corner, the big cushion where he had sprawled, and asked me if it was coming back. I nodded and he came over and placed his hands upon my head real hard. He had Al time it for two minutes, then extended it to three. He placed his thumb real hard on the spot where the greatest pressure was on my head. Later he adjusted my neck, my spine (with his knee) and placed his hands upon my legs and stomach. I guess he gave me a real working over. Although I don’t know quite what he did, it seemed to feel like a realignment. It was a good touch.
 
When we finished lunch, which was light, Al drove them home. I asked Feliciano if we could see them again so they could meet Bob. He said we would make an appointment. Then he asked for our telephone number. Gabie stayed while Al drove them home. Gabie wanted to do a treatment with me. I allowed her to but it was unsuccessful. She uses a fantasy to get people to find out about their problems. I couldn’t fantasize. Only blackness. I felt her expectations. They don’t fit with mine well. It occurred to me that she really wanted to help me and I didn’t want to hurt her by not performing. That’s strange, but I really didn’t want to disappoint her but I couldn’t do anything. Then Al came back. I enjoyed hearing Al talk because he talked about the here and now, and how this is the only reality.
 
I sense a little straining here. I’m not sure what the cause is. But they both felt that Feliciano’s theory about the spirit guide was probably not meant for me. I just listened. I would much rather talk to Feliciano alone. The others were too serious. I laughed a lot, couldn’t help it. And Feliciano laughed freely. I liked him. But I think I have a better feeling what to do. The control of this thing is up to me, whether it is a spirit or my self, and I must practice it. Feliciano said I should go out and use this force when it comes, don’t hang on to it, always use it. 

7/8/77 - The master gland, the pituitary
[Channeled words, no date, found in an old black notebook dated 1977-1978, typed on a single sheet.]

The master gland – the pituitary – the very center of the brain, governs and measures the growth of an individual. Not only his physical growth but his awareness, too, which is infinite. You could grow in awareness, in theory and abstract knowledge forever, just as a tree could, in theory, grow upward and upward forever, if it were fed the proper stimulants to make it so. However, if a tree does not have a root system equal to the massive branches above, then it will become a very unhealthy tree and eventually fall weak and sickly under its own weight.
                                                                                                                                            
There is a similar root system in man specifically created to balance out his ethereal growth by grounding him. And just as with the pituitary gland, there is a physical organ which governs and measures his ability to stay on the ground with his feet planted firmly on the soil of practicality and earthiness. This gland is harder to understand in infinitely more mysterious. The sexual organs, combined with the reproductive organs in men and women govern and measure the ability to stay on earth. To live on earth and be happy here. Fulfillment depends upon expression. And upon the health and freedom of both attributes – the ethereal and the earthy. The leafy branches of the tree top and the heavy and solid root system below.
 
The metaphor of a man to a tree has always been used. A quick look at a diagram of ma’s autonomic nervous system will reveal an uncanny similarity to a tree. The tree of life of the Bible. Fine and delicate branches link up with larger branches which link up with even larger branches which link up with the main trunk line of the spinal column which descends to the pelvic region where it suddenly bursts outward again and downward like massive roots digging deep into the soil. In ever increasing finer and finer branches. The pelvic root system with its glandular activities summed up in the sexual organs represents, in spite of our over complications, an extremely simple facet of man: the passionate and overwhelming desire of man to unite sexually with a mate is the desire for wholeness and union. Mental energy builds up. Physical expression follows. A natural ground for a super charged electrical circuit. A splurge of love and total explosion of infinity in one finite moment. The feeling says it all.
 
It is the grounding and balancing of ethereal thought into the world of matter, into the world of flesh and sensation. There is a delicate, infinitely beautiful balance living in man and there always will be. Between his spiritual flights of growth and his earthly pleasures. To grow spiritually without ever becoming grounded is similar to inflating a balloon. It will grow but remain empty inside until one day when its limit will be reached. Then the danger of bursting becomes evident and there is no place to go but down. Down to back and fill in the empty spaces.
 
On the other hand, to enjoy earthly pleasure only is as unbalanced as the other. If there is no spiritual growth, a man stay s on one level only, as the animals do. Sleeping and eating and reproducing for sheer matter fulfillment alone. This eventually will bring atrophy to the spiritual powers of man and decay is inevitable. And so the two must go together. They always have. One must not be intimidated by the high cycle of another person who judges the opposing cycle. There is no teacher but one’s self. Only the inner self can feel the ebbing and flowing of the balance and the forces inside. Only the inner self can act out of its own knowledge of that balancing act. The privacy of thought is an immense world all its own – a university of understanding and learning. There is no room for outside teachers.


2/18/81 - The Saddlebrook vision: the soul divided into male-female

Bob and I are staying at the Saddlebrook Resort near Tampa, waiting for our house [newly purchased] to be ready in Zephyrhills. Today Bob insisted that I do my movements. I don’t know what he sees in me when he says, “It’s time,” I know I feel that it’s time to do the movements but what does he see? But then it is the best for me, for everything seems to click. I must choose my words carefully now, for today I had a most wonderful revelation. it is so fantastic that I hesitate to put it into words. I understand how such revelations came to be hidden. Secret from the world. But it’s time to reveal these things.
 
Today the movements were not strong. I put on the OM cassette and began the movements mildly. I lit a candle and also incense. These help to create a better than normal atmosphere. And immediately I could see how my future alter will be in the new home. I want the crystal ball, a beautiful round clear image of perfection in the center. The crystal remains in Costa Rica, locked in the filing cabinet inside the closet. And then it began. Deep within the center of the human body, deep inside of myself, lying cradled like a lovely jewel in the bowl of the pelvis as in a human womb, on a plane not to be seen with the naked eyes, burns the true crystal ball. It covers the entire pelvic bowl [picture shown on cover]. It looks like the solid one but infinitely more impressive. It is awesome to see. It is bright beyond comprehending, and I am sure even brighter than as I saw it. It burns there in total perfection. There is absolutely no flaw in it. And as I suspected on one other occasion when I received barely an instinctive glimpse and no more, the crystal ball of the magician is merely a poor imitation of this genuine pearl that lives within, unseen, unknown by any except the one who, through his own stripping away of discriminations, limitations, faults, one by one, the piercing of the heavy wraps which surround this ball of light, can now see.

This is the pearl of great price. The light hidden under the bushel. This is the true self. This is the one seated upon the throne. This is the only true master and teacher of that individual who lives off of it, dependent upon it. It is the core, the heart, the true heart of the body and of the person. This is the I Am Presence , the presence of God within the body. The spark of divinity given to every man and woman born into this world and it is truly there, for I have seen it. Then began the series of revelations. These were meant only for me but I record them only as one person’s experience, so others may weigh them by their one value.

I thought to myself as I gazed upon this glowing white ball of light, which resembled the sun but more pure, more white, it had the semblance of a diamond in that the unnameable, untouchable glitters of color sparkling here and there can be stilled. They merely whisper and are gone, merged again into the white glow of the main body of light. It bears the aura, the sense of great intelligence. An intelligence too refined to bend to common supplications or common problems. It is too magnificent, its regalness too high, too pure, too holy for the world of men, to focus on any one thing. It would be like asking the sun to shine only on one nation, but not on the others. The sun, like this pearl, is too great, too powerful to be shut down sufficiently to examine its qualities. So with this inner light, it cannot be examined. It cannot be moved. Yet it is the embodiment of all virtue and all knowledge and from it can be taken the answers to all the specific problems troubling us. For this is how it happened.
 
I asked myself, how does this light come to be here, and not in the head? Why are people striving to reach the top of the head, when the light is down below here? I asked these questions in the form of thoughts and the answers came in the form of thoughts and visions too. Immediately, there was no waiting.
 
“The light comes from above, from the greater light. It descends down through the crown of the head, through the soft spot, down, down, down, to nestle in the cradle of the body. It is the tender core, the most sensitive and vulnerable region in the body, as it is also in the trunk of a tree, where the roots begin to branch outward and downward. Here it lies to give life to the body. Here it would lie pure if a person would allow it. But division often happens, and out of this wholeness and absolute completion, an element speaks out thus in that very act, separating itself from the whole and taking on a separate identity. The element which speaks first has come to be called the negative element, the female action or yin, for its act of separation is a withdrawal. It is a withdrawal that forces the remaining wholeness to become positive, as it reaches out to draw it back. And this is the male, the yang."

And so from out of that pure, lovely, flawless, glowing white light of absolute virtue, love and light, I saw first a smaller light, no less pure, but only smaller giving the impression of being less pure moving, moving outward  to one side and upward, and immediately, a second light moved out from the other side and up. And the two lights moved up and around in the form of a spiraling dance around the central column, each in opposite directions. Moving first away from the central column, then irresistibly back in towards the central column, irresistibly as if longing to be together, and then moving away again in an upward direction, around and around, forming figure eight spirals as first one, then the other, moved upward.

Now this central core was also a tube of light but more massive and it was down through this central core that the ball of light initially passed, leaving behind it a trail of potency like a translucent shell through which it will pass one day again when it returns home. It is a lovely tube, like a neon tube of light, and it was around this central tube that the two elements danced as they spiraled upward. They crisscrossed and touched each other at times, as they passed in the figure eight spiraling, and these times were the games that the male and female played together. And at other times they met and stayed together. These were the times where they had glimpses of the truth and they lingered over that truth, remembering and enjoying the wholeness that they used to be. One of the longest times they stayed together was in the region of the heart. This bears a secret I did not understand totally. There was a sense of humbleness here. And when they continued on above the heart, spiraling upward, it was somehow different. There was a different air about them, as though they had learned something and their lives had more purpose. There was intelligence to their games, an orderliness or striving now where before it was only fun. And they continued, two lines of light weaving in and out and back and forth in a spiral motion up and around the outside of the tube of the central core through which the ball of light had originally passed on its journey downward. 

And they reached the top and merged. They merged into one whole again but the ball of light still remained below. They paused in their wholeness and looked back down the long tube of light. This time they could see into the central core and they realized what they had done. Realized that they had to return. They had to go back down to merge with and become the ball of light again, in order to go any further. Together in wholeness they journied downward, illuminated by understanding. They moved downward, back through the central core to touch once more the ball of light and together all three as one moved upward through the tube. Not around this time, but through the central core. When they reached the top of the head at the crown, at the tender soft spot, there appeared to be another cradle, just like the cradle of the pelvis. There are little petals around this cradle which looked like a bowl, sticking out from all around, like a fluted pie shell into which you pour the apples for an apple pie. It looked exactly like a crown sitting on top of the head, and here within the cradle, the new womb, the three cavorted, now merged as one. There the vision ended, for it was the entry into another plane which I could not see. There was a brighter light, a greater promise, and a feeling of infancy and newness and wholeness all over again.

The many stories in scripture form came to me as this was going on, many things come all at the same time during these visions, yet all is absorbed, as impossible as that may seem, for the capacity is greater to absorb and understand in this more expanded realm, than in the normal field of thinking. Eve was the one to speak first to Adam, asking him to take a bite of the apple. Which he did, so the story goes, and which in that act separated them from the original wholeness that they were a part of. The original wholeness being the garden of Eden. So from out of that wholeness called Eden which supplied them with everything they needed, love, purity, food, totality, they were flung. First she, due to her act of withdrawal, then he due to his act of following her to try to reach her and claim her back again. And in the time that followed they had their ups and downs, their games and their time of learning. Yet it was not a wasted journey for they were expanding and learning many things about themselves. They were growing, gaining all the while, knowledge of their own personalities, self-knowledge. They were learning the lessons of good and evil because of their own desire to do so. They were rising in consciousness of themselves. Then when they reached the top and merged into one, it was the prodigal son who thus realized that he had left his father, his community, down below. It was this son who returned and was received with a joy not to be believed.

And then I asked, “But if this is truly the secret of the kundalini, how does this fit with those who never leave, who never separate out from the ball of light? Are there any such persons born who do not separate but instead remain pure with the central core?” The answer was: “Those who never leave the central core are too pure. They will not remain in the world. There is no reason for them to be here.” The vision caused many questions: when is the kundalini physically felt? Is the kundalini aroused when the two separate from the wholeness in the beginning? Or when the two descend again as one to contact the ball of light? Are these two lines, motor nerves in the spinal column? Is there a correlation in the physical makeup of the body? Is what I saw only how it happened with me? Does it happen differently with different people? By meditating on the top of the head, does that stimulate the ball of light at the bottom to expand? There were no answers. This was the end of this writing.


4/2/81 - Channeled from the angels on ascension
  
[Received in Costa Rica after reading the book "The Brotherhood of Angels and Men". I meditated after and then danced when the inner wind started to flow and the heavens opened to give me revelations. I went to the typewriter in trance, under a will not my own, and typed the following words.]  

There is a central sun - a spiritual sun in the core from which there radiates a million, trillion, rays with spark and energy. Out they flow, out and outward further, and further til at last they begin to lose their spark and vitality, until they grow heavy and dense, yet on they go further still, for the central sun shines forever more, on and on and out further and further. And as the rays grow dense they soon forget from whence they came, denser still they grow until finally they are in physical form and next to that is death.
 
Do not let the light go out! is the message from the sun. Do not let the light go out but send it back again. Let the body cease - it is alright to do, but do not let the light go out, send it back a’new. It is important to tell this message now and then you will learn about ascension - the return of the light from out of the darkness of human flesh. It is this way: it must be revitalized, renewed. It must be remembered, returned to its original state. The flesh will cease and be no more, all return to the light.
 
Ascension is the taking over by the light within the flesh. The light is being remembered once more, revitalized, renewed. It is the blowing of a breath upon the flame now died, recharging it, rekindling it back to life - but now it is a newer thing, a return and a transformation. You must learn to transform the flesh, bring it back to life. By your consciousness, your angel consciousness, you will imbue the body with a new vision, the fleshly cells will come alive with the original life from the sun. It feels heavy now, but never stop trying. Never stop letting the light shine forth. Breathe on it, blow on it, move out from under the shadow of heaviness, of coarseness, that it may breathe. Let the light so shine within your heart and mind that it will love you. You will not let the world sit on you, nor stop you from moving. Never let the light go out.
 
Use the ceremonies mentioned [in the book], for they are the focal point for us [the angels]. We will gather round about and reach and touch you where it counts - within the heart, within the mind, within the knowing part of you. Arise - arise from out of the slumber that you find yourselves in - the earth and the world’s inhabitants. Of all the beauty you behold, know that this is but a fraction of what is truly there, hidden yet from your eyes but there. You feel it in your hearts, you know it in your minds but you let the world impose upon you. Move! Move forever more for beauty is motion. Beauty is newness. Beauty is passion never dying. Beauty is love forever burning.
 
Do not let this part go out. And as you begin the turn-around, you will begin to transform your fleshly body. You will make it a minute fraction lighter. Lighter in light and lighter in weight. For light is light and free. And as you begin this transformation, this beginning of ascension, you will shed the contacts you once had. You will make the newer contacts from those already in the light, those in flesh and those beyond. For you are one with them when you begin the process. The process of which you want to know so much is the process of ascension. It has begun, and you shall teach it, ever new, without a name, ever old with many names. It lies awaiting every man, every woman born into the world. And the world will recover its fleshly bodies, heavy and cold and coarse, and it will continue down the path, out to even further spaces, harder and colder and with less light than even you can see within its atmosphere. It shall go further, have no fear, but it is part of nature’s law - part of the great and mighty law, as when the sun shines it must travel out to the farthest reaches of space. Yet in this case it is not space but velocity. As the velocity descends downward it becomes time and space. And you must choose how low you will go before you begin the turn-around. Each grade is lower in density until finally it must crumble from the lack of adhesion, which adhesion is the light of intelligence, love, beauty, honor, justice, power, power, feeling, knowledge, all the many names of the virtues that man has labeled over time. Can you not see the vision! It is just and good. It is natural and impersonal, and the feelings of personality and suffering are the sparks of light crying for awakening, crying out, “Do not let us be extinguished! Save us from the end.”
 
You can see the vision! You must tell the world. Yet now we understand that it cannot be done in crying voices but rather with the slow and steady mind of science, logic, reason, which are tools we know little about. You must supply it, we will help. You must do with the world what you know of the world. We will help all we can. We are at your beck and call, ever ready to step in. We would shed our love without restraint but it is not time for us. You must prepare the way. We are ready. We have the strength of a million shining tons of fire behind us. We are full of charge, full of strength, full of action and full of love. We are here awaiting, awaiting near the surface of the world. Looking for an opening, waiting for a call. Teach them, teach your fellow men what you are hearing. Teach them to listen too, we will hear them, we will lift them, we will teach what they want to know. Teach them to question, to ask, to look up. We are there.
 
And now you have it. You may rest and look this over, replay it in your mind. We are here when’ere you want us, we are here through all of time.
 

6/17/81 - The mystical connection, a personal instruction 
[Channeled around 6/17/81, shortly after kundalini awakened, before I knew who was talking to me. Words just appeared in mind and I wrote them down on paper, before computers came along.]

“Begin by writing down the exercises you want to do every day. Choose only so many to fit in comfortably to one half an hour or less. No more. For the remainder of the chosen hour should go towards non-movement and silent inner exercises. So you will have 30 minutes of physical movement dedicated to the body and 30 minutes dedicated to quietening the outer mind to communicate with the deeper levels of the same mind.
 
These exercises are geared to you specifically, for you are ready. You have gone sufficiently long enough in a non-disciplined, spontaneous manner of life that you have cultivated the higher energy to come forth. There is a danger now that it will become too rampant; it needs balance and control with your conscious mind. Consciousness relates to that which you know and have some degree of control over. Therefore you are now ready to begin a disciplined program, using certain control or will energy over or alongside of the deeper, more powerful, energy which you have felt to be greater than you.
 
Use the word mystical in connection with your work, for it is a key. Mind control denotes a different area. Your area is beyond the control stage, in the area of the unknown. In this infinite zone beyond consciousness, or beyond understanding, one may feel the intelligence of something greater than the observer. This “something greater” has been termed, for lack of another word, “God” or “supreme being”. It may be called whatever one desires to call it. However it is not beyond the person observing it; it should not be looked for outside and beyond. It is not there; it is the consciousness itself looming up greater than before. It is an illusion to think that it comes from someone else or some place else; it comes from the source of the observer himself or herself. It is the observer’s consciousness expanding.
 
This is the mystical part which  you will be teaching to others. One must not try to bring it into control which is the way of most people. Then it will be cut off. The mystical connection is the window through which expansion and higher forces enter the immediate consciousness – the mind. One must, rather than try to capture it (understand it), must step back, retain the sensation of awe and mystery and wonder, leaving the window open. One therefore remains a student in the receptive, learning stance, rather than assuming the role of teacher. A great teacher is a student first, even while (especially while) teaching, and always a student. A student learns, is the channel through which impressions flow – that is all. It is no great thing, and not worth blowing out of proportion. The pride experienced from being a “great teacher” is false, a closed door. You are aware of this, and thus are ready.
 
Neither should you put yourself down, or second place, for that is equally unworthy. A student is merely a channel, feeling neither small nor big, but enjoying the many varied sensations, both physical, mental and mystical all the while. He receives his reward from inner sense of peace and joy and fulfillment. He needs nothing more, needs no students, needs no friends, needs no successes, nothing of the worldly signs of success. So long as he remains an open channel, the joys of higher forces will spread throughout his whole being. You have felt it.
 
You are worried about whether this is right or premature. You wonder whether you should be open to it. Don’t be. It is the flow that matters. It will be the flow that will count, for once you are flowing, many ideas will come. You must be ready to put them down on paper. This is for your own good, to stimulate you when you re-read it. (End)


6/19/81 - Receiving the daily dose of cosmic energy
[Channeled words, no date, found in an old black notebook dated 1977-1978, typed on a single sheet.]

There is a kind of impulse flowing through your body, which is very high. Too high for science to record but as it lowers itself into manifestation, it is seen as the nerve impulses through the nervous system. In the mornings move your body to re-align it (the body) with this higher frequency. Don’t force it. Important – don’t force it. Learn to blend. Learn to blend. Learn to follow your good feelings and your bad feelings as you would hot and cold. Hurts mean that you should not pursue the activity; good feelings mean continue. Tired feelings mean stop, heavy feelings mean stop. Energy feeling means continue. Do what your body wants to do, it is a bodily, strictly physical function, this exercising. Let the body receive its daily dose of cosmic energy through the lines provided for that purpose. Your automatic nervous system knows what to do, let it function freely.
 
There is a kind of pain or hurt that in reality feels good to pursue – that is the edge, the beginning of bursting into new territory. Stretching the old limits to new zones. This is a good hurt and your body will tell you so. Listen to it. It is easy language. It requires no thinking. Don’t think. Let your body do the thinking for you. Give yourself up to your body’s mind, its consciousness is your teacher when you do your exercises.
 
Forget everything you have ever learned in the gym, in school, and in the past. Now is a new life, a new day, everything taught in schools are systems built on force. On the theory that you must try hard and you have to do it that way if you want to succeed. So exercise has been a forced action which shouldn’t be. To master your body which has an intelligence of its own, you must work with it, respect what it cannot do and what it can do; be gentle with it. Coax it slowly to bend and blend with your will – you. Who are you? You are the force of awareness behind your body. You are the master and you are non-physical and must learn the vehicle which you are driving. You do not get into a brand new automobile and drive it by forcing its gears into place and its driving wheels into new spaces. You get into a new automobile with great respect, so as to learn its capabilities so you can work with it. It is the same with your body – cultivate respect for your body. Listen to it. Talk to it and let it talk to you. Cooperate with its natural abilities, its natural inclinations and the end result will be a complete mechanism – you. A oneness of body and mind, spirit joining later.
 
Your consciousness IS. All the time, it is. Regardless of the state of your body health. If your body is sleeping you are focused in other places, no longer limited to the confines of the body’s senses. If you believe only in the body, which most people do, then you will not be aware of further experiences beyond the body. But you can train yourself to become aware, you can remember all during the night if you wish. Your consciousness is awake regardless of your body, regardless if you care to know about it or not. If you want to expand your memory to include dreams and other conscious impressions which you normally do not pick up because you are focused only on the body’s environment, simply repeat your desire to yourself during the day. Feed it into your mind and eventually you will so overload the brain with your desire that it will spill over into the subconscious - the depths of your awareness which make the more important decisions. Believe in your ability to contact the deeper levels of your mind and you will and you will bring alert awarenesses from those depths back again. Nice experiences, reminders of who you are and where you came from. You are indeed a greater entity than you think you are.


6/20/81 - A mystical happening is a buoying upward, wave upon wave

There is a light within every human being, an exquisite consciousness which focuses upon and illumines the world in which one lives. This light does not originate from the brain nor does it originate from the body, but from some place else beyond. The light can be turned down very low so that one’s whole life appears as though in shadow or it may be turned up very high so that all appears to be in light. Or, it may be turned up higher still, passing by degrees through increasing intensities until heights are reached wherein the physical world seems to fade away in the lucid brilliance of a living sea of splendor impossible to describe.
 
Such is the mystical experience. It is accompanied by equally increasing intensities of good feelings from peace and mellowness on the lower end of the scale, to a form of ecstasy in the upper reaches - ecstasies that far surpass anything known through the physical senses of the body including those of sexual fulfillment. If there were a word to describe the nature of this awesome light whose lens is the human mind, it would be intelligence - rising intelligence, for in the throes of an intense mystical happening one is buoyed upward, wave upon wave, higher and higher, revealing a clearer and saner vision all the while, until the mind must either blank out or surrender all control. One perceives in such a state, a literal unbounded sea of an increasingly finer quality of Something alive, breathing, knowing, moving, building, an intelligence too perfect for words, speckled with sparkles of Something even brighter than the sea itself, whose quality is ebullience and whose purpose is to lift everything it can and bring it nearer to itself.
 

6/21/81 - An intelligent benevolent force lives within you

[In this message DK is referring to the spontaneous dance-like movements which I used to do in the years following kundalini awakening. When I surrendered to it a trance state moved through me like an inner wind, taking me into poses similar to and feeling like ancient Tai Chi dancers.]
 
In your movements you become your body. You join your body in mind and thought and action. You are one whole person. A whole person does not make mistakes. He does not do one thing and think another. He does not divide himself. A whole person is integrated with himself and the one person makes all the decisions. He is whole, complete, his actions are single-minded. They feel right and they feel good. His thoughts are in the background, fairly non-existent for thought is an offshoot, a separate flow of energy from out of the main body. Thought likes to travel alone, it does not like to be told what to do. It has a disadvantage because it is blind. Thought is a prodigal son of the father source - the person inside. It, the though, leaves its parent behind when it travels and feels "free" when there are no problems, but it quickly feels lost when problems arise.
 
Thought in a whole and integrated person becomes a different kind of thing all together. It is not separated from its father source, its person inside. Thus it may not feel "free" in the same sense as a disconnected thought. But it is integrated with a great depth, an unending sense of connection. This connection brings a totally different kind of security, serenity, peace and harmony. It is connected to all life and therefore knows many things with connections to all things. This kind of thought does not have to move far to find what it needs, for so long as it is still connected to the father source, all its needs are taken care of. This kind of thought does not move. It does not have any sensation of moving by itself. The rat race and the tread mill felt by the average person is the disconnected thought moving all alone and the person feels that movement as a rushing movement. But an integrated person feels no movement as such.
 
Thought in a connected person is active and contains an awareness of much energy - it is not the lethargy of a sleepy man, or a dull man. Thought becomes something else entirely in a whole person. It stands connected and at peace, yet alert on a threshold watching what goes on. He perceives but does not chase. He drinks it all in but does not move. He does not judge. He remains motionless watching the motion. And he feels. He feels and understands what he is seeing because he is not narrow, but is wide open. His vision is a receiver of all that moves and on the frequency planes of motion, both visible and invisible, there is much motion. It is never still. The more integrated you become, the quieter becomes your mind. The quieter your mind becomes, the more you will see and feel. Your movements will make you whole. Do them every day. 


7/8/81 - Feeling omnipotent

The world is moving fast, I'm trying to climb on. Last night there was tremendous heightening during the night. Awake and alive like never before. Same kind of energy as in early scary times, but this time I was the energy. Fused with it, blended. It was me that was awake and alive and ready to spring out of my body and fly away. Could the early frightening experiences have been this same energy, unblended? Uncontrolled? Before I had sufficiently united with it? Could it have been my first observation of it from a distance? As a disconnected mental? Looking at the God-energy as across a field of separation?
 
I had been working yesterday feverishly, trying to climb aboard the pace. Always behind. I felt good because I caught up. Also I did a tape for myself with a little voice for exercise. I felt good with this. In control. During the night I woke up alert and buzzing with energy. But it was me, I wasn’t afraid this time. It felt like I could have buzzed out of my body. A part of everything, but powerful. So powerful. Control. So much control. No words for the sensation. I could imagine what it is like to be a total and complete master of your body, able to do anything you want with it. I felt the ability to raise it or lower it in vibration, from visible to invisible and back again. I felt the power and the power was a little scary. I wondered if my sense of ethics or respect for human life would remain!! This caused me some concern, for I was a different person, but not different. How can this be? Who am I really?  I am conscious of being me whether I am feeling low and depressed and equally conscious of being me when I am in a state of powerful control and feeling almost – omnipotent. Like there is nothing greater, nothing that could ever hurt me. No sleepiness. No need for sleep. Sleep is for the dull and lazy. Who needs to sleep? This feeling stayed with me until I finally tried the count-down technique to fall asleep. We are going to take the mind-control course. I have heard of this technique and so I use it once in a while which works, surprisingly.


8/4/81 - Humanity as a single flawless diamond

Last night Bob and I were in the jacuzzi. We saw three high fireballs, streaks in the sky and then a most beautiful low, slow one. We have seen only about four of this type in all. From North to South it came, and exactly overhead, right where I was watching up into the stars. It lit up with a lovely glow, orange, yellow. It left a trail and sparks as if by friction of the atmosphere and it left its trail even after the ball was gone. And I was overjoyed! They were speaking to me again and I felt that strange sort of benediction – I was so happy and I clapped my hands spontaneously like a child.
 
We had seen Close Encounters of the Third Kind again on home movies. Bob and I both renewed our enthusiasm. The end, which I couldn’t even remember, was spectacular. The mother ship and the lights and uplifting – it was as though a breakthrough in the consciousness of the earth to the light of the higher regions. Lots of emphasis on feeling for the right wavelength upon which to communicate, using sound. The UFOs are doing just that with the world in real life, trying to uplift the frequencies. Because they can’t communicate at our level.
 
In the middle of the night last night I awoke to find myself in a state of joy. There was a song of worship going on in my consciousness – beyond my conscious mind, a song of love for the light at the crown – the door to the cosmic spheres. It is so beautiful and the happiness went on for an hour with visions. Such beautiful visions and I wanted to remember and write them down but I was too busy watching! I saw the whole of humanity as one single, flawless diamond – a most beautiful crystal of extraordinary depth and clarity. Each cut facet reflecting the fire within was a human being as we call ourselves, but in reality only faces of the oversoul, the One. Such loveliness, and such clarity and such life! It is no wonder that religions are built upon such visions. Accompanying this was an incredible joy and radiant happiness. Something far deeper than my conscious mind was in touch with this, for I was as an innocent bystander, watching with awe. This morning I am so happy, finding myself smiling and feeling radiance – and there is no outward reason for it.
 
What is this? Why do I feel it? Somewhere I know, but my mind does not. I question with my mind but I know with my heart. And I saw the loveliest young woman sitting – dark long hair – but the beauty was not physical, the joy was from within. It just sparkled and these things I cannot describe well. It radiated in the same ethereal substance I have seen at other times in these visions. From where does it come? It is uncapturable. I am in touch again with these beings from the other spheres.


8/25/81 - Immaculate divine light lives inside violence

I have given myself to the light. I have placed it in priority over other things. This is a mental decision. It has proven to be more reliable, more gracious. Things are flowing along as planned by other forces – I can feel them – since the decision. It is too difficult to bring perceptions “down”, let them remain where they are. They serve me well. The world demands explanation, definition, and I no longer want to make the effort. Could it be because I am seeing fulfillment of my dream?
 
During sleep I was in the midst of a dark dungeon-like cellar. More beasts than men in attitude, were hiding there. I walked past three men in dirty jeans, obscure in shadow. Their fear and violence did not touch me – was not interested – but was drawn to another room. Violence such as I have seldom seen jumped down through an opening in the room - violence, hurt – in the form of a man. Dark stringy hair – familiar to me – dirty jeans, all of the anger and fear were on his face – held up by another man behind him., mortally wounded the man was cut in the thigh and he was screeching. No blood in the wound?! I went past a figure on the left and one on the right and waited until he calmed a little. He was violence personified yet he was calling to me – invisibly – in the spirit. A smile briefly passed his lips and I reached for his hand, but the life had already left in the twinkling of an eye. And as he collapsed in the arms of his friend, I saw the purity of that lovely essence – that primal God that inhabited that form – leave it as a mere shadow behind. And I was impressed with its meaning – its beauty – the omniscience of the spirit that lives within even the darkest forms. And I saw that that part is the same – not similar to - but the same spirit that lives in me.  I saw my Self leaving the ugly form so twisted by ignorant action – so stupid in understanding – he was governed by the Self – my Self. I woke praising once more, as I often do, the wonders of the light. I stayed awake for hours. How does one tell these things to others? How? I want to speak of them. The clarity, the beauty, is beyond definition. It is here – right before my eyes. I am in the ugliness. I am in the trees. I am in the grass. I am in the stars. I am wherever there is movement – because wherever there is movement there is life. I am life. 


9/10/81 - The jewel in the lotus

This week I’ve been spending two hours a day instead of one in my room. Today I knelt before the open window - and merely breathed. That’s all. I have no technique that I am following. I have tried to have or adopt a technique and it is impossible. Why? I don’t really know, except that every day it seems that any technique I held in mind was outdated, outmoded, relegated to the past. So I do not try any more. I have tried to chant but the mantras keep drifting away, leaving me in the present with an open mind and no memory of yesterday’s mantra. If I were following a meditation course I would be absolutely frustrated, but fortunately I am not. I return to my present state of mind, which is here now, with no thought, no ambition, no desires, no goal, no aim, no image in my mind, no heightening, no depression, no nothing! I wonder if I am all right? But I feel like me. I feel so much like me that I could not possibly want more. For I am me. I must be me – what more could I be?
 
And so I knelt before the open window and breathed deeply – even this does not take on any noticeable form, though I have tried to make it so. I breathe in and watch the ground where the pines attach to the ground. The rain had come and gone. And with no thought I was somewhere between there and inside my body, just being, not striving. And then I did think of something.
 
I thought of the place in my body (again!) where I know the life force resides. The eternal discussion between Bob and me came to mind. Why does everyone look elsewhere for the light when it is in the pelvic region? In the great bowl of the pelvis with the wonderful organs in the center, nestled into the bowl like a jewel in a golden chalice? Yet even I am drawn out of this wondrous place when I read that we must “forsake our sexual appetites”. When I read that “man is meant to transcend the animal nature.” And I – I who know better because I have seen – am drawn away, tempted away, by the words of falsehood, and of ignorance, as all of the other people are tempted not to look.
 
So now I looked once more, knowing that it is the home of life, and I focused once more on this region and I saw in my mind’s eye, once again, the golden pure flame burning there. Never have I seen it as a flame, though, like this. This was a flame as a bonfire, with many tongues licking the air instead of one. It was burning in a golden chalice. And as I considered this impersonally, the movements began to flow into my fingers and I followed them consciously. I pushed myself into the cells in my forearms (both arms) following the words of the Mother of Sri Aurobindo. (I just received the two books I ordered from them and I fell in love with her from the beginning.)
 
I found myself aware of golden threads of the nervous system, as I have always seen them. Strange – I was stopped by golden concentrations in the hand just above the wrist. What is this? I followed the movements with more consciousness, and with my inner senses I went from there to my back as I got up. And legs. And inside. Nothing dramatic, simply being me with consciousness.
 
And then something strange. I have wondered if my movements have left me, for they are less strong than they used to be. But now as I began to dance with the rhythm, I became conscious of – there is something in the distance – down there in the pelvic region. It was beyond the flame, inside the flame so that the flame disappeared. What I saw was a sense of something lighter than air, like an opening, and I became aware that THAT WHICH IS LIFE TO ALL THINGS is eternal, and since I cannot grasp it, nor can I bring it into the finite body, and if I enter through that opening I will lose consciousness of the finite world. Then how am I to use it? I was considering how to handle it, impersonally.
 
My movements were continuing as I watched this opening and the opening took on the shape of a diamond, and it became more clear, more finite, more like a crystal or a diamond, and it glimmered as I watched it impersonally. I felt no change in joy, it was all impersonal as I watched it. And then I saw, as the roots of a tree, lines of strong ropes surrounding it, protecting it, and it was like a diamond embedded in the roots of a tree. And I thought of the nervous system again. It is like the tree of life with its roots in the sexual organs running downward through the legs, like the roots of a tree. And I became awed with the implication. It renewed my conviction all over again that the gem of life lies in the pelvic bowl. 
 
Breathing hard, quick and short, then deep and long and drawn out, the breath keeps changing now, as though fanning the fire of the jewel within, the flame of life. Now the breathing stops and becomes normal and I am transported to a new realm. Definitely a change in space. I am within. There is a softness around me that blends me with the inner. I am closer to being that gem that I saw, crystal blue white light.
 
Now I am up and moving and I am starting to turn and I am totally with the movement that I think, “Oh, no! Am I going to spin again?” I do not like the spinning. I haven’t done it for quite some time. I used to have to throw myself to the ground to stop it.
 
I am spinning, faster and faster. I try to will it to stop. It does not stop. I will it again to stop. It slows down. But then speeds up. I will it again to stop and my hands come together and I open my eyes to watch my hands. It is a focus. I am spinning faster and faster and I am conscious that I might fall into the glass doors. I do not want to do this but I must allow it if I am going to be part of the movement.
 
Now an incredible thing happens. There is a flame coming up from the pelvic bowl up, up, up towards, reaching towards the head while other flames are licking around it outward. It becomes like a flower, like the lotus. I would not have known it was a lotus except that in the book on the Mother they have used the lotus full-blossomed as a line drawing. I am conscious of the lotus opening within the pelvic bowl and the petals are flames reaching up and I am spinning, and in the center of the lotus is a figure, an Indian figure, seated cross-legged, and I realize that this is coming to me as I will the movements powerfully to stop! And they are stopping. The vision is blossoming in proportion to my will!  My will is my mastery over the force. I must learn mastery of the force. I must learn to use it with full consciousness, and as I do, the jewel within the pelvic bowl will open to me. It is in the pelvis.
 
Now I stop and pick up the book on the Mother and start reading. She has learned somewhat of the consciousness in the cells, but I see that she also discriminates against the love process of human love. She also wants to transcend it. She discriminates against it. This is not the way to achieve it. It must be joined together. It must be accepted, joined, loved, done. Use the sexual orgasm and the sexual love and get through the – get through it. It is the way, I am sure. It is the ONLY way. I am re-convinced that it is the way. Even as Bob has said all of these years. (He has been my guide.)
 
Only out of human love, through human expression, through human orgasm can the spark of life enter into the body and bring it to life and to transformation. It raises it (the body) by entry at orgasm. It opens the cells and opens the nerves and opens the heart in the center of the pelvic bowl – the lotus of the heart. Yes, I have seen the lotus of the heart.
 
The way is by way of sexual union. The way is by sexual acceptance. The way is by looking and knowing and loving and blending with all of life through the human lovemaking process. The spiritual love separates out from human life. I do not want this and will not go that way.


9/14/81 - The world is in the process of becoming

(Channeled) Attention is power. You give power to a person when you give attention. Why? Because the atoms in space align themselves to your attention in order to listen - and obey for you are the higher intelligence - allowing a free channel to form, a vacuum channel, from you to the listener. This is the channel of least resistance over which thoughts flow. Attention is a channel of harmoniously aligned atoms. That’s why meditation turns your attention inward to messages of peace and you get answers easily. And your attention turned outward brings outer input of confusion and action.
 
To the degree that men trust, men are peaceful, even if they trust in outer society. If they do not trust then they are each for himself, cut short, defensive. Trust is key to openness, no matter WHO is the source of the trust, even a king or government. However, when you trust an outer source then you are dependent on outer circumstance to always be good to you. If you arrive at a violent society you will close off and become distrustful. If you learn to trust inner Self, the inner source of peace, you are still open, still peaceful and any violence in the society will not affect you. You will remain open and peaceful. You are not dependent on outer circumstances to be “good” all of the time for you.
 
All of the world’s activity is in the process of BECOMING! The groping around to try to find that door that will lead to inner connection and peace, is the world and its society groping. The people are in the making, in the process of becoming something, they do not know what yet. Once a person has arrived at that inner place of recognition, he arrives alone because he ceases to interact with the outward society. This does not mean he stops moving and stops interacting, but he is drawing on inner sources rather than outer sources. Contrary to popular opinion, he is not less active, but more active than ever before. BUT he hears a different drummer, marches to different music that others do not hear.
 
Outward perception is translated, once a person has arrived at his recognition of who he is and from where comes his strength. It is translated from outside to inside. He allows a translation to happen, and as the input from the outer society enters his sensory channels, he turns it over, as it were, to something beyond him. This Something beyond feeds back instructions as to how to handle it. It is handled quite differently from the person who has not yet arrived at his source. He sees things differently, feels things differently, does things differently, as though he has a buffer between himself and the outer world.
 
This buffer is that his focus is on inner sources – a wider field. Because he is looking in another direction he does not allow his body cells and mind cells to become sucked into what is going on in the outer society. He is certainly aware of it but he is aware of it through the subtle body, the intuition, which is vibratory. He knows the truth of a situation better than the people who are outer-oriented, because he does not see the “obvious” [surface], but he sees or senses the depths behind the obvious [surface]. His focus is shifted. His antenna are turned in a different direction for better reception. He has reached into the rarified spaces to pick up a different channel and the static of local environment is cut off. 


9/17/81 - The sex center is becoming recognized

(Channeled) The reason occult teachings remained hidden so long was because they were written in passive times, in passive moments by passive people. The passive forces were predominant. They are passive teachings and passive things stay subordinate to active ones.
 
Now the sex center is becoming recognized as not so bad after all. Perhaps it is even becoming good, who knows? These are the feelings of the times. They are strong and I can see them. There is a surge and a thrust of an active world’s population behind this new awareness. More open attitudes on sex are happening on one hand, and a more open attitude or desire to know regarding the Self and the Spirit on the other. Desire to know both of these (the passive and the active) is a strong thrust for truth. I see a golden picture now - I awoke with one and with the feeling of the “presence” – it shows an opening due to resistance of the people against sex is lightening up. There is less resistance now. Never before has there been such little resistance! I see an opening, with golden light flooding in.
 
You cannot create this power – this power is the SUM of life and it exists as more than you or of me. You can’t create something that is more than you are, but you can yield to it and blend with that power and become as strong as the power itself IF you yield to ITS wishes, and your feelings are ITS feelings. You and IT are one on levels beyond your understanding. All your desires you feel inside (excluding the karmic ones you made for yourself) are ITS desires. All that you want truly, IT wants. There is so MUCH power. It is a wind like a storm. No, more like an “explosion”. It is blasting a hole in the earth’s atmosphere. It is blasting inward, as an implosion. The resistance that kept it out has weakened.
 
Sex and occult. Sex and Self join forces to become more of a single whole. Wholey means holy. As the active forces start to be receptive to the passive teachings, the passive teachings will become more active. More alive in the affairs of men and the world. The positive forces are yielding resistance to the negative forces and the negative forces are growing in power, but the positive forces are growing in wisdom! The women’s lib movement is part of this yielding. The plus and minus are coming closer together, and their sum wholeness is more strong. A more refined race will come of it. And closer to the Whole, the Presence, the Infinity, the One. They are moving towards unification. It is not an individual choice, no one has an individual choice, really, except to flow with this mighty tide or to fight it. That is the only choice he has. He can choose to fight against the tide if he wishes and bring all sorts of sorrow on his head and on his family. Or he can choose to flow with the tide, this mighty tide. Wholeness and holiness will flow with the tide because the tide is part of the Sum, there is more intelligence in it. As it comes together, it grows higher, explodes wider, at least this is the illusion. Perhaps it is just aligning itself.
 
Techniques won’t do it. Meditation won’t do it. But the WILLINGNESS TO FLOW will do it. Yielding to the moment, whether the moment is active or passive, yield to that active or passive moment in like kind and that is flowing. Spontaneity is the order and the intelligence of life.



9/26/81 - Old age can be reversed

I have such a desire to write but there is too much. Yesterday on our way to some friends house, we passed a cemetery and I saw – no, I KNEW! I experienced something. I saw that the cemetery is a doorway, an opening through which the soul is freed. It is a marvelous threshold, but oh, these words are useless! It is so much more than that. It is a wonderful experience to be there in the moment, and after you have passed it the threshold no longer exists. It is so unimportant – the cemetery!
 
Oh, the truth is so beautiful to know. It is simply there. It has never gone anywhere but it merely hides behind a little veil so we cannot see. But it is there, nonetheless. It is lovely, complete, like coming home whenever I see beyond that little veil. How I wish everyone could see as I do. I try to tell Bob but it sounds so – useless, so out of place – and I am bursting with happiness but I must keep it to myself. I am overflowing with a sense of fulfillment, yet there is no one to share it with. I saw something else. Everyone has made such a big deal over abortions, about killing a new life. I don’t know what caused me to see this but I did.

At conception only a very small percentage of the spark of life that is the individual comes into the fetus. Only about 1 to 5%, so to abort you are not killing anything, because 90 to 95% (more or less) remains where it was before coming. You haven’t killed anything because it has only just begun. The nine-month carrying period is too long for more than 1to 5% of the living, breathing consciousness to be confined – shut up as it were with no way to express. This living flame of life which is our consciousness is too grand, too unique, too knowing, to be cooped up. It cannot be cooped up in a prison. That is why it does not all gather at once at the moment of conception. It sends an advance guard to prepare its house – the house it shall move into when it is finished.
 
And then, at the grand moment of birth, the big exciting moment, the 90 or 95% of that vital living consciousness moves in, bag and baggage, like a monarch complete with troops. All together, alive, knowing, breathing, prepared to take over. And thus it is that the first breath of life is consciousness taking over the body. Thus it is that many people remember a long, dark tunnel with a light at the end. This is the moment of entering the body. It is a marvelous, psychic, conscious moment. And one not to be forgotten.
 
And I saw other things – I saw the reason consciousness sometimes seems to disconnect from the immediate problem of life – as when you daydream. This is living proof that the consciousness is a separate thing from the body and brain. How else could it drift away to some far off place and be conscious of other things? Because it is not anchored to the body – it is only using the body as a man uses a house and he may come and go at will. This is the majesty of man, he is a noble God that moves and breathes in living Light, in freedom and universality. How great it will be when he wakes up and realizes what he truly is!!!!
 
These things I see and more – I see that old age, I saw this – experienced it for a brief passing moment, for that is how I “see” – I saw that old age is, and I must be careful with my words - the flaming spirit that lives within the consciousness is ALWAYS trying to manifest in the physical world and in the flesh. This is a preamble now. That is its purpose for coming – to realize itself in living flesh, in living solids, to UNITE with the physical world. It is attempting always to do this, that is its motivation, its reason for existence, that is the driving urge inside a man that yearns to be free. It matters not what avenue it takes, whether an intellectual like a professor, or a working man like a machinist – it doesn’t matter – a profession is only a colorful tool through which to express the INNER URGE. The inner urge is a spark which has been ignited and it is flaring now. Within the body of a man the living spirit is flaring and trying to find room in which to complete its pre-appointed task. And thus the living spirit in man is striving to come out into the world and be seen. Only that individual knows when the spark has succeeded. Only that individual knows the wonderful feeling of fulfillment, contentment, peace, which is the aftermath of an explosion that set him free.
 
And for one reason or another he has failed. Failed to comply with the cosmic laws which say: yield! Bend! Hark! Listen! Follow your heart! The heart is speaking – the living spark within. But no. Man does not want to listen. He wants to do it HIS way, the way of his opinion. The way HE thinks is right. The way He has been trained. So long as a man says,  “I think!” or “I know”, he does not know! He does not! Because when the day comes that he knows, he will not have to defend his right to know.
 
And so old age is the giving up, the spark within knows that it is not going to accomplish its purpose in this life and so relinquishes its vitality over the cells of flesh. There is nothing a man can do, but look at himself in the mirror and watch old age creeping over his body. It is a sign that he will eventually die. Not his spark of consciousness – that will go on. But the chance of finding himself in this body has gone. Passed away. To try again in another body. Old age is the outer skin starting to decompose first. As the life is withdrawn it withdraws from the outer first, and it is slow, but steadily faster.
 
Can it be checked? YES! It can be checked in midstream – at the age of 70, 80, or 90! All it takes is waking up! Determination to be free, determination to put aside the false habits of a false world and be oneself in living color! It is possible! It is desirable! But it is something one must do alone! No one will understand – and yet, there is a universe of living souls who know what you are doing. They are waiting to help. They are joined to the one who determines to succeed. They are there. They have talked to me. I have known them.


12/1/81 - Experiencing the rigidity of the body

Somewhere during the night I had an experience. I do not remember having the experience, only the memory of its vividness. It left a deep impression on me: I was totally removed from the body, yet within it, as though the body were a shell around me. And yet I was free. I was not the body but a free agent without the body. I was fully awake without the body. So free! But this is not the astounding part, for I have felt such freedom before, often. The consciousness is – indeed – truly a free and lovely thing beyond imagination. I am so deeply in love with this loveliness, so impressed with its transcendence, and I find myself worshiping it throughout the day. When I slip into darkness a little, I need only begin saying the silent poems I have written, to myself, and give acknowledgement to it throughout the day. It is easy to fall away from this closeness, but it is easy to stay on, too. I love the contact and the light it surrounds me with. I live in its presence most of the time.
 
But now, from this vantage point I saw for the first time the rigidity of this body. It was absolutely immovable, like a dead thing with only a little nerve impulses running from me into it to give it what little life it does have. And it IS a robot. It has no life of its own. I saw this, I felt it, I experienced it. I was for a moment inside that shell to see the comparison. When I was in it I felt the “death” of it, the distortion of the life’s training upon it which formed certain grooves and channels over which the consciousness was permitted to flow out into the world of experience. And there were not many – those that were, were distorted. And the most profound of all was the realization that I was NOT that body, that I was trying to move a dead thing (!!) around in this life! Impressive! It makes me feel even MORE alive, knowing this. I am not attached to this body. I do not NEED it, but I wear it for convenience.

Consciousness is a majestic thing. Consciousness is life, no matter where you are, no matter what you are, no matter how low or how high you go, it is God himself that is the consciousness in you. It cannot be more. [Many years later I learned about the dark web that feeds off this precious light like a parasite.] 
 

12/2/81 Free of the body, tied to universal loveliness

I went to sleep with the clear-ringing tones of my “sound”. In the middle of the night or towards morning I woke within an opening into the universe. I’ve been here before. Blackness and many stars. I was totally free of the body. It was a reminder, again, that I am not tied to this body and further I AM tied to a universal thing that is incredibly clear, lucid, lovely and transcendent. Always the comparison is there between this world and that – and that is far, far more lucid, real, like a vacuum of a lighter essence, a lighter world within this heavier atmosphere. So clear – like a bell. Mind, body, soul – so strikingly clear. How I long to go there and be a part of that world. We have truly forgotten where we come from, the divinity of what we are – yet it is not far away. It needs to be focused upon more through the flashlight beam of an uplifted consciousness. My mantra sound helps, but it is my own. It fits me. I tried it out and shifted words around so they felt right. No one could give me that sound.


1/9/82 - The birth of the soul

I am quite convinced now that what I saw in my vision of 2/18/81 was the birth of the soul leaving its parent source - the utter purity of the life flame itself that is present in every human body. It was my impression at the time that the first spark which left was the feminine spark which would dovetail with the story of Adam and Eve, as Eve was the cause of leaving the garden of Eden, the utter purity of God. And so the soul continues upward, alone, in the form of two elements, since tension and duality is needed for movement. Female and male, or positive and negative, or passive and aggressive. Without tension there would be utter peace and no movement.

In my vision, as the soul continued upward it finally reached the crown of the head, and it was as if they had reached their pinnacle. It was as far as they could go for there was a scrambled nest, like a bird’s nest, at the top of the head through which they could not go. They had found what they were searching for and they joined hands here, ready to reunite as one. However, as they did so, they saw (I saw in my vision) that there was something missing. They seemed to turn and look downward - down the long tube of semi-transparent light that stretched downward beneath them to the glow that lay at the bottom.  Down within the pelvic bowl was their parent source, which they had forgotten in their travels. And now they realized that they had reached the end of their journey and could go no further without the parent. As they realized this they did not hesitate, but turned and began the what seemed to be a long descent downward to reach the light. Could this be the much mysterious descent into the earth needed before the ascension?

They descended through the semi-translucent white glowing tube of the spinal column to the glowing ball of purity and re-united with it. The three became one? Could this be the trinity? There were two who rejoined the parent. Could this be the awakening? The arousal of the kundalini? The psychic force of God said to reside in dormant condition at the base of the spine? 

The book Intermediate Studies of the Human Aura says that one must descend from the bowl (the seat of the soul) to the base of the spine, indicating that the base of the spine is lower than the bowl itself. I saw the light inside the bowl. I felt the “click” of the arousal in the large intestine area which would be inside the bowl. Where then does the base of the spine come in? In my vision I asked the question: what then is the kundalini? The answer was ascension. It is preparation for the final ascension, after which there is no more rebirth. The soul goes along with the spirit from birth to death and from death to birth but separate from it because it has not joined with it. The soul remains separate life after life as it seeks to know who it is, where it came from, to understand. This is its purpose for being born into the physical world. The soul is the son or daughter who wanders away in search of answers, leaving the parent and family far behind.

The soul becomes the mind, or the consciousness that we are. I am me. But who am I? I am the consciousness of being here, of acting, of doing. I am typing, my body is my tool but the soul is the awareness - the self awareness that it is typing. This is the finite mind, the finite awareness of life in this world. Soul and mind are one. This is the mind which does not need a brain to be conscious. It is conscious all by itself. At death when the body dies, the mind, aka the soul, wanders aloft in the discarnate world - the astral world - still disconnected from its parent source. It seeks experience and as long as it does, it remains disconnected from its parent. Does it go back to the parent before being born again? No, it is born again and again and again, always disconnected from its parent. But it learns more and more about itself as it lives each life, and gains more insight into who it is. It was born to learn about itself and so it does.

The shorter way home to the parent source is to stop looking for experience and become silent, to turn around and look downward to the base of the spine. Down into the depths where lies the roots of his being, to the root chakra. Buried deep inside the roots of the tree of life, the nervous system, lies the underground stream, the kundlini.  It is passive, silent. Become still and go down to your roots. Become still but do this consciously, do not let someone else force you to be still. It must be of a conscious choice of your own. It is only through free will that the soul is satisfied enough to return to the father, contented that it is done with wandering. This is an “old” soul, tired and weary and wise from traveling. Content to return home. This is symbolized in the story of the prodigal son.

Now, as it nears its reunion with the father he approaches eternal preservation of himself. Always there was a danger that he would stray too far and go down the devastating road to destruction, for a soul can wear itself out, burn itself out from straying too far from the light and from the goodness of his own nature. Evil action is action turned towards the hurting of others and it cuts deep into the cord that connects it to its parent source. When enough cuts are made in the light cord, the soul is in  danger of being severed from its parent. It begins to wither and dry up, allowing less and less light and goodness to come through. However, even with a little light and intelligence, the soul keeps moving and it will continue to move even though partially severed from holiness. But unless it repairs its ways the wound will gap open further, cutting off more of the life energy until eventually the soul is severed from its parent without repair. Then it is in its death throes and all of that soul’s experiences, its many lives of hard-won experience, have been lived in vain. for he has chosen not to go the road of wholeness. He has chosen to go his own way to the end, without regard or consideration for the parent which gave him life and which has the ability to take it back again. 

So the return to source must be done through free will. A soul is born to learn about free will. He is born to learn through trial and error. It is a poor man or woman who does not learn from his own mistakes.  Learning the right way from the wrong way brings him back into alignment with the parent. He must choose the right way if he is to come back home and join with the rest of creation which lives in total harmony. If he continues to choose the wrong way, he sacrifices himself totally, in which case he dies and his memory dies with him. All is erased.

Now as he joins with his parent source, all of his previous incarnations have been lived for a purpose. He has indeed served himself well. He has done good and he has done bad, but he has learned about free will. He has learned why he came and what life is all about. And in the end he has determined that the father source is the eternal life source. He chooses to go that way. He chooses freely to unite with that energy and so he does. He has returned home. The two sparks, the masculine and feminine which caused the separation, rejoin in the end and come home. This is the story of the prodigal son returning home. It is the story of repent and you shall be saved.

The only way to earn eternal preservation of memory and become an immortal individual, is to reunite with the holy glow within, which always remains pure. Then it does not need and does not want to come back into the physical world any more. It is done. This is also known as the alchemical marriage. Also as the lion lying down with the lamb, the lion being the aggressive adventurer creating experience, and the lamb being the parent source waiting at the base of the spine, pristine and pure. It is also known as the bride preparing for the bridegroom, the bride being the mother at the base of the spine waiting for her husband to return who had gone wandering. 

When the lion lies down with the lamb, and when the bridegroom returns home to his waiting bride, these are symbolic stories explaining what the birth of the Christ means. The soul is christed or christened when it completes all its lessons and learns who he really is. He then returns home to the parent source made pure after shedding the rough edges of ignorance and untruth. He is clear like a crystal. Now the holy son must descend into the earth before he can ascend. This means he must plunge into the earth substance of his own body - a private matter - and clean it up. He must release everything within him that is impure that he has collected over his travels of many lives. He must descend before he rises up in order to awaken the matter within his body, for his body is composed of elemental intelligence and it has retained the effluvia and debris of the travels.

Now he must clean his body. He must descend to unlock the doors of the body. He must descend to awaken that life giving force in the body known as the kundalini. This is the final step. Then he can rise, along with the energy in the body. The energy of the body is not the soul, is not the spirit. The energy of the body, known as kundalini, is the energy given to the body specifically for this purpose - to raise it up. It is there as the hidden germ is there within the passive seed, awaiting germination. Now the soul must unlock this hidden germ, to start the germination process. It is the final step in blending the pure intelligence with the matter of the physical world. This is often known as the father blending with the mother, the mother being the physical world. So then, you have the father as the pure ball of light. The mother which is the energy locked in the body (the kundalini) and the son is the soul now merged with its father and thus the Christ. Again the trinity comes in.

Sometimes the kundalini force (the god force locked in the body from birth) is awakened BEFORE the soul returns to its glowing parent nestled into the pelvic bowl. I think this happened to me. In that case it would appear that the return of the soul to its parent (after many, many incarnations it finally returns - a triumph of no small thing) at the same time clicks into the body force, which has been released and waiting for realization. Could that explain the woman who has an excess energy (some say epileptics have this spiritual force already released but don’t know what to do with it) - and when she was in my presence she shook uncontrollably. And when I realized what I was seeing in her, her body responded without her control. It was as if my recognition triggered the shivers in her! I do believe that this is the case.

In my case and in the woman’s case above, we have both been released sexually. Could it be that sexual acceptance and sexual training, sexual capacities release this? I do believe there are grounds for believing this. But in the case of celibates, who do not utilize the sexual energies of the body, also do not free the bodies natural energies. They are those who keep them locked tight away as in a sealed drum and they must then descend to release it. They MUST descend. How does one descend? I do not have an answer, unless it is to descend into the sexual zone and partake. I cannot think of any other way to descend in the normal activity of human life within which all of this must take place. In such a case where a disciple works unceasingly on his spiritual qualities, meditating long hours, and devoting long hours to physical labor but none to blending into the world, then in his case he may return to the parent source, find the bliss awaiting for him there, and then perhaps he returns to the top of the head (of which I will speak in a moment) without ever awakening the body’s wonderful psychic energies - the God energies locked inside the body which are locked in there for a purpose - to awaken the autonomic nervous system so that it comes alive under the conscious direction of the soul residing therein, as all systems come alive under the will of the resident. The resident becomes a master of that body and may ask it to walk on water and it will do so. May ask its heart to stop and it will do so. May ask it to become invisible and it will do so. That is because once the resident of the body becomes reunited wiht its parent source, it is free and it may unlock the body’s energies and unite with them and the whole being is free - as free as a bird.

In my case, since I had no teacher, I did not learn about how to develop the body’s energies to perform miracles, but I have felt the potential. My destiny is differnt - it is to teach and talk about these things. Perhaps I will perform miracles before my time is up - but that is all relatively unimportant. Important to me is to explain, express, to show that the soul is free at last. Free to rise forever out of sight of physical men and women into the zone of godhood where reside all of the ascended masters. And death, which is the last enemy, is conquered. The final body will not die if the body’s energy has been released, expressed, practiced with and used to its ultimate glory. It is my feeling that, depending on the different schools of esoteric thought, some masters do not know this part and therefore do not teach it to their disciples. Perhaps they feel that the ultimate state of bliss (nirvana) is sufficient. In that case, they will sit or kneel, and jump over the physical world to blend with the godhead without tampering with any physical expression. But the world lies waiting for such rare people to be born to show the world what they can do and then release the world to more refinement. They are models of a future race - a race of gods. They are few and rare.

Now when the soul reunites with the father, whether or not he “descends” into what I believe is sexuality, to release the body’s energy, he turns around and ascends. He ascends upward to the crown. If he has released the body’s energy by free expression he will ascend by way of the many avenues of the nervous system, culminating in bodily movements, freeing the body of tension blocks as he goes. If he has not released the body’s energies he will ascend direclty up the spinal column to the head and feel great pressure in the head. Also if a person is spontaneous, has trained himself to be spontaneous, he will find himself doing postures and movements. But if he has not, as in the case of Krishnamurti who suffers headaches all the time, he will be outwardly quiet and not be given to bodily movements. Instead he will be prone to meditate a great deal of the time.

I am excited for all that I have spoken of here, feels about 95% right. It is not quite complete yet. I have more to go but I am putting these words down on paper becaues I am on the path. The secret to lessen the pressure of bodily energy which has been stored up inside, is to live it. Express it. Do it! Release it in a way, however, that will not hurt other people. Wisdom is required. Demand a harmonious environment. Give the body its due. For this is the soil in which God is born in flesh. Let him thrive and grow in this outer world. It is a rare thing. Such young gods should be protected, catered to, loved and nourished with all of the nutrients they themselves say they need. People should not try to out-guess them or teach them. They are gods in human form and they know what they need. See that their atmosphere is pure and loving for the pure light of life (which they truly are) may grow and thrive healthily. It is god who is born into the world. Anyone who brings forth the energy of the body into physical manifestation, after blending with the parent source, is a god. This is the ultimate product of all esoteric teachings and knowledges. This is the pinnacle and the climax. The world is ignorant yet of htis.

Alas for the world that many do not bother to enter into the world and express there, but rather ascend directly into heaven through the avenue of meditation and retreat, leaving not a mark on the world. More of them do it this way. As men and women bring the light of God out into the world before ascending into heaven, they will imprint a mark clear to see on the world in which they live, making it a finer place than before they came. You will know. It will make it easier for those who follow after.

A word about those who have developed psychic capacities but not wisdom: they have opened the door to the body’s god energies and have learned to use it. But, because they have, themselves, not yet returned to their parent source - the source of love, understanding, unity, cosmic brotherhood, tolerance and compassion - then they are still outcasts, no different than all of the other individuals who are still seeking to know themselves. They are the dangerous ones. Be careful not to follow a person because he has psychic ability. All people have psychic ability to a degree. Listen only to your own guidance - the guidance from the parent source within.


1/20/82 - How I met the Master Djwhal Khul

This was written many years later, in 2024 for a newsletter. I became acquainted with him around 1982 but I never made a record at the time. Before this time I did not know his name, but I DID know about the Ascended Masters and the spiritual brotherhood. At the age of 15 I had read the "Life and Teachings of the Masters of the Far East" by Baird Spaulding, from my mother's library.

It was around 6 years after the spontaneous kundalini awakening occurred while living in Costa Rica. My husband, Bob Adler and I had moved to Tampa, Florida and started holding swing parties due to a rather rapid unfoldment after kundalini activted in me. It exploded into my life, and therefore into Bob's life, and everything started changing. This book is all about the unfoldment of kundalini. The first thing I learned from the book “Kundalini” by Arundale, was to direct the energy. After thinking about it I decided to direct it to Bob, since he was worried about money. Almost immediatelly, the next day according to my notes, Bob received a telephone call from someone and a meeting was arranged. He had been writing a weekly column entitled "The Money Doctor" for the little Costa Rican newspaper, "The Tico Times". Bob started getting calls from people wanting to invest money in CR. He/we started a business (I was included) and he found the perfect Spanish-speaking partner to help him.

After a few years of being very busy, both of us, he had a heart attack. In the hospital he was healed miraculously by a woman I met. Shortly after we went to FL for his eye surgery. On the eye surgery trip we visited a nudist camp, Lake Como near Tampa, FL, met some people and learned about swinging. While there, we looked at houses and bought one in Zephyrhills, outside of Tampa. We moved in in 1981 but had to return to Costa Rica a number of times to settle affairs in the business and the house. In between the back and forth, to Costa Rica, Bob started writing a column for a swing magazine published in Florida. We put an ad in the magazines offering seminars on swinging, which we were exploring ourselves. 
 
One of the couples we met during this time attended a metaphysical church in the area and invited me, due to my interest, to attend. Bob and I attended a meeting. When it was over the leader escorted us all out the rear door of the church. As I was in line ready to turn right and go out the exit, I suddenly turned left, automatically, as if in trance, and started walking down the hall away from the exit door. It was a very strong pulling. I was accustomed to following the inner wind of kundalini every day and the inner wind was strongly pulling me. The leader said, "No, this way," he was concerned and reached for me to turn me around. But I kept walking down the hallway, drawn irresistibly by an inner force. I turned right into an office at the end of the hallway, saw book shelves along the back wall and went to them, took a book from off the shelf as if in trance. It was titled "Intermediate Studies of the Human Aura" by Master Djwhal Khul.  I asked to buy the book and the leader sold it me. I took it home and began reading. This was the beginning of my relationship with the Master DK. I never met him in the physical. I use the picture of him which is now famous on the internet, as a focus for me. It is framed on my table. I also have pictures of other ascended masters in my study but Master DK is my own master guide. I have enjoyed a blended consciousness with him for over 48 years. I have detected that he has changed his appearance and moved to a higher realm himself. 
 

2/5/82 - Releasing the seven centers

Last night I re-lived being on the farm in Northboro. It was neither a dream, nor a memory. It was more like being there. Further, I found myself “coming in” for a landing so to speak through the process of materializing. I materialized from out of a void - space – and was conscious of the process. I materialized at a spot near the stone wall leading to the back corner of the large cow pasture. And I did indeed feel those ancient feelings that I once experienced, all over again. My programming tape is working. I am there. It is not a memory like all my memories have been. As I ‘was” there I looked around and relived the feeling of the cow pasture and even now it is impossible to describe because I am now only calling on memory again. It was a most lovely experience. Emotionally, there was no trauma – neither great sadness nor great happiness. It was simply being there and feeling the surroundings. I think I like this experimenting! I briefly wondered, during this process, if I was dreaming or if I was imagining. But the experience was even more conscious than of dreaming or remembering. It was an alert awareness, more alert than the waking state.
 
During the meditation I saw the reason for the chakras (God centers) and what must be done. The base of the spine center is a pilot light sent at the time of conception. This is the god force in nature without which the soul could not be anchored. The seat of the soul center (sacral center) is just above and is the power behind the sexual energies and reproductive organs. This is the center of freedom in its ultimate expression. Now it represents slavery and bondage because individuals are intimidated by the thought of sin and shy away from it, thus keeping the light hid behind a veil. The individual must open this center and accept the sexual forces into the body.
 
The solar plexus is the center of peace in its ultimate expression. Now it represents power and aggression in both action and thought, all of which must submit to peaceful intentions and therefore peace. The heart is the center of love in its ultimate expression. Now it represents hate and other emotions which must all be transmuted by the individual to express only love in the highest form. The throat is the center of perfect sound in its ultimate expression. Now it represents discordant sound which confuses and torments, but as the individual masters himself and his issues, the sounds that come forth - the words - will represent harmony and good will.
 
The third eye is the center of the perception of truth in its ultimate expression. Now it represents only confusion because of the distortions and blocks in the individual's makeup, but as these are cleared up, truth takes a natural position. The real motives then become clear behind any given situation. The real person behind the sick body, behind the sick mask, becomes clear and obvious, thus allowing healing to take place. Real facts behind a confused matter become known allowing the individual to move himself out of any given place. With the opening of this center, visions are seen which are insights into the real behind the mask.
 
The crown is the center of the perception of God and the higher order of intelligence. Now it represents the human intellect and reason because the individual cannot see beyond reason, but as he blossoms from within and as other chakras open he becomes clearer and clearer about himself, his life, and his body and he slowly opens this center to the super intelligence behind all of life which will flow in and out of him. It is so simple! Each of these attributes may be worked upon all at the same time, by anyone.
 
(1) The seat of the soul center may be worked upon by practicing to transmute sexual restriction into sexual freedom, pure and simple. (Freedom of attitude regarding his OWN sexual forces.)
 
(2) The solar plexus center may be opened by transmuting power and aggression into peace, pure and simple.
 
(3) The heart center may be opened by transmuting anger and chaotic emotions into love, pure and simple.
 
(4) The throat center may be opened by transmuting words of a destructive nature into words of good will, pure and simple.
 
(5) The third eye center may be opened by transmuting partial truths into whole truths, pure and simple.
 
(6) The crown center may be opened by transmuting blame for conditions and accidents into acceptance, pure and simple, accepting that there is a divine intelligence and a reason for all things. By so doing, the reason becomes known and no longer remains a mystery.
 
(7) The seventh center is the base of the spine, the lowest center in the human body. It is the pilot flame that burns quietly, anchoring the soul to the body. This may be awakened in all its splendor and force through the practice of letting nature have its way, letting natural movements happen in daily life, in the body. This includes appeasing hungers rather than suppressing them; expressing emotions rather than holding them back; following urges to the ultimate conclusion rather than ignoring them; changing physical conditions when they irritate, rather than pretending that they do not bother. The forces that live in the center are the forces that are held back by an individual who mistakenly thinks he is mastering his life but is not. He is actually suppressing life. The kundalini, the powerful god-force embedded in nature, comes forth only when allowed to express freely. Once it has been coerced into free expression, then one learns how to become the master. The lessons begin by yielding, blending, allowing the serpent fire to move though the body, learning its personality by blending with it. The individual must test himself here with this force. He must marry this force because he IS the force behind the mask of ego.
 
All of these practices may be worked on simultaneously. It may be a little hard for the mind to understand, but it is not a problem for the mind. It is a problem for the individual who limits himself. He must become bigger than the limited mind. It is a question of becoming the master and affecting attitude changes over and above the ego so that the soul may carry out its splendid destiny. Thus the God-man clothed in human flesh becomes free at last.


2/15/82 - There is a constant explosion outward

The words are coming fast and furious bursting in my mind. The thing that has held me back since it first germinated in me has been the constant checking by Bob, holding me back, making me stop, forcing me to focus on the mundane, the personal, the small! It’s frustrating to the explosion outward that is constantly going on. There is a movement outward, away from the petty and meaningless things that make up people’s lives. There is a desire to reach out and heal and soothe the whole world, not just a tiny cell hidden away somewhere inside that immense body.
 
There is a movement of such grandeur, and such immensity, there is such beauty and pristine purity involved. The explosion is similar to that of a supernova, a sun being born. And from somewhere within I am watching, perceiving, knowing what is happening. Who am I? I am caught up in this massive explosion. Sometimes I am unsure who and what I am. Sometimes I am not – and in my stead exists a wondrous peace. A livingness that includes and transcends everything that ever lived and still lives – and this is the rapture, the ecstasy of which they say, “It cannot be described.” It is golden and it is white. It is a wash of light and it is a myriad of tiny sparks floating in a rainbow of ethereal, unearthly substance. That is what I am when the “me” disappears. I am that. I am that golden wash of living light and nothing more nor less. And as I become that, I know that all else is that, too. There is no one who can escape it except for a temporary span of time – a very small, mundane, span of time. A time in which I can say, “I am an individual! I am me! I am separate and distinct from others!” But that time does not last. It is a person created only by tremendous effort of will, so to live separate from the whole for a while, only to return once more.
 
No, it is not this cosmic connection that we must learn about. We are already a part of that. It is the human world that we are made to discover. We were sent here on a mission, to uncover the identity of worldly things and bring them home again. And so the frustration of being held in check, being held back from exploding too fast, is the avenue over which I must travel to accomplish that purpose. Bob, my husband, who so constantly reminds me not to go too far, not to say too much, is my teacher. I – the cosmic me – picked him out from the masses because I needed him to guide me. I did it without being conscious, as you do things meaningful also, without being conscious.
 
Now we must begin waking up. We are here to perceive the cosmic beauty in the mundane, petty world. We are here to see the angels hovering around the depressed areas of the world, casting their golden sparklets of magic in the atmosphere around. We are here to wake up, to look up, and to smile because the world is a magical transforming place of primeval and unorthodox loveliness. The power of the occult lives and breathes and moves across this planet as it did when the earth first came into being. The spirits call to one another through the spheres between the galaxies and make their home upon this little blue and white pebble moving around the sun. The angels dance at midnight, calling forth the dawn and sweep within the hospital rooms of the sick to call them forth. The enchanting movement of the cosmic dawn is felt most in those exquisite moments of loving, when the movement is one of reaching out to help, inspire, to lift all who come within that touch.
 
The power is strong, so strong, and this poor body has been working to keep up with the inflow of this mighty force. I must keep up or blow a fuse. This is the meaning of the ancient wisdom, the eternal truths that teach and mold the human substance - not the divine but the human – the nervous system, the brain, the cellular tissue, the muscles, the body habits, the foods to eat, the sexual habits, the stuff to drink, the way to sleep – these are the hidden truths that speak only to those who are waking up. We have misunderstood. We have felt for so long that there was a mystery involved in those ancient wise teachings. Not so! There is no mystery at all. We have simply been looking up when we should have been looking down. We are to look toward the earth, the other is already there, within, knowing itself. We are to learn about this poor little world with its sad substance and see the subatomic particles that whiz through space carrying messages from our father energy – the solar god. How majestic is our time and space!
 
The world is our classroom into which we go temporarily to learn. The life situations are our textbooks from which we study – friends, family, husbands and wives – these are our teachers. They have much to teach and to say if we will but listen. Do not misunderstand these words. You must look beyond the surface of a given thing. They are teaching you not to change your ways nor what you should do or say. Not at all. They are trying to get you to become stronger, surer, and more convinced in what YOU are. Do not let them dissuade you from your purpose. They are true teachers. They will try very, very hard, but they are not you. They are reflections from yourself. Their purpose is to stimulate you to become stronger. To be more alive. To be more you. Laziness begets dominant associates who prick and prod. “Follow me,” they say, but they are really saying, “Get up and move yourself.”

​
3/16/82 - Revelations and lighting the seven Lamps

I did the deer exercise again last night before going to bed. Woke this AM long before Bob - at 8 - seeing revelations passing before my mind. The kundalini - the god-force - is scattered throughout the Christian Bible! The born-again Christian, the second coming -- these are the arousal and awakening of the God-force. The preparation and possession of the God-force. The prodigal son coming home after traversing the inner land of his being and awakening the seven major centers -- this calls for a feast! A feast of abundance and overflowing wine! Feast of abundant energy and euphoric nectar of the gods through the nerves.
 
I got up and got my pad of paper which I keep handy and brought it back to bed with a pencil, hoping Bob wouldn’t wake, for he would want me to sleep again. He did, got up and went to bathroom, came back and let me write. Then I got up and got the Bible (with Bob’s permission) and came back to read Revelations.
 
Revelations and the seven scrolls, the seven seals, the seven churches, are all referring to the seven major centers in the body. The beasts and famines and thunders and lightnings and plagues and demons and all, are the turmoils that wrack the body and mind and subconscious upon the arousal and awakening of the God-force. The 144,000 to be saved in the end are the 144,000 nerves of the nervous system. These above all else must be protected, they belong to the true man-God who is coming.
 
The lighting of the seven lamps in the windows while waiting for the coming of the master of the house - this too is the lighting of the seven major energy centers that must be accomplished before God will ascend the throne. The base of the spine center is only one of the seven. It is not God, at least not yet. God comes to his throne when the God-force prepares the way. The voice of one crying in the wilderness is the God-force (the mother force? the kundalini?) exploding through the body and wracking the nervous system, the wilderness of man’s creation, a jungle of wildness, dark, confusing, filled with untamed passions and emotions, ideas, pre-conditioned mental tapes and terrors. This is the kingdom that must be cleansed by the mother force so the God force can descend.
 
John the Baptist crying in the wilderness is a real-life symbol of the kundalini preparing the way for the Lord of the House. It purges the wildness of the animal man, taming the four lower bodies, cleansing them of the debris, like a crazy violent overlord screaming “Get out! Get out!”. This is the kundalini - the Mother God force purging, cleansing, weeping the animal body to make it clean. Then, when the purge is over, the Lord of the House descends, may take his throne and govern in peace.
 
But revelations says there is more undoing to come. I did not finish the book of Revelations but I finished enough this morning to realize that one must not become bogged down by the many travails of the sweeping purge, but to see what is happening from a great height. What the story is saying: Be born again! A human must be born again before he can enter the kingdom of heaven and become the God he is destined to become within his own body!
 
The casting out of the Garden of Eden, the expulsion from the Garden takes place anytime around puberty. The first seal to be broken is the sexual seal which brings forth the orgasm. The second seal to be broken is the solar plexus which governs the emotions. The third seal to be broken is the heart which brings forth love. The fourth seal to be broken is the throat which governs the voice of sound. The fifth seal to be broken is vision and perception which governs truth. The sixth seal to be broken is intellect which governs reason. The seventh seal to be broken is back down below - the base of the spine - the pilot light of the body, which can only be broken after the other six are re-kindled and mastered. Then the seventh seal is broken and thunder and lightning strike. (kundalini awakens?)
 
Then, when all is done, the body is at peace. The lamb is slain (the man-made individual) and sacrificed upon the altar of God. Given up for a greater entity which now comes forth. The wildness is killed in the sacrifice, and the gentleness and greatness of God comes in. The master comes home and sits upon the throne and rules in peace.
 
Such a clumsy version of a great thing! This is the resuming of one’s place in the Garden of Eden, which is inner, within. Revelations 1:18 says: He “holds the key of death and hades.” The God-force is the power to ascend and become immortal. A person does not have to die. He may, if he masters himself, accelerate the molecules and atoms of his body to a higher plane and take his body with him into the higher plane where he may learn of higher things and expand -- all without discarding his body. Immortality is real.
 
My confusion up to now is this: I once thought that the arousal of the kundalini - the God-force in the body - was the real and final thing, the enlightenment and the transformation. But now I realize it is not. God does not step into his house until the kundalini - the God-force - has swept through it and cleansed it. The individual must first let it happen to him, and second, must then learn to direct his body’s energy so that he becomes the master of the house. THEN God steps in and sits down on the throne, and the individual in the form of the slain lamb, joins with him. Unites with God and becomes one with Him.  The two become one. It was very, very clear to me.


3/21/82 - A past life memory and lesson learned

There is something new in me that hasn’t been there before. It is a true happiness and it has been here on occasion only since two weeks ago when we talked in the sun. It is like a mountain stream bubbling over rocks - it is me and yet it is not me - but something more. It is something beyond anything I’ve ever been before and it calls upon something I’ve never seen. I don’t know where it comes from and I don’t call it forth. It’s just there. It represents fresh spontaneity. It represents movement and newness. And joy. And there is no time in it.
 
Paula gave me her last treatment for awhile [jin shin jytsu]. I was under Paula’s fingers when a feeling touched me ever so briefly. It was a familiar feeling I have had before. Each time it comes, I wonder what it is. It represents something just beyond my sight, a memory. Now, while having treatment I was talking like a river that would never stop and it came all on its own. It just skimmed across my memory and I told Paula and then it was gone. It is a nagging feeling. It’s trying to tell me something. Paula said, “What is it?” and I said I don’t know. Paula said, “What do you feel?” and I said, I don’t have it now. Paula said, “Where are you?” And I saw the image of a comb. And the feeling brushed across my memory again. And then was gone again.
 
I told Paula, “It’s here again,” and then, “It’s gone again.” Now out of nowhere, out of nothingness I see myself in a long red dress. I can’t quite believe it. How does a picture form out of nothingness? I don’t say anything to Paula because I think it’s my imagination. I see myself combing my long hair. It appears to be grey. The dress is fancy and it has pearls and buttons and lace, tight around the waist and full to the floor. I’m in front of a mirror.
 
I’m telling Paula now: “It’s like 18th century France. Aristrocracy. I am aristocracy and I’m combing my hair.” I have no feeling., just the picture. And I let it go. As soon as I let it go I get that strange feeling again. It touches me all over my body. “It’s like an aroma,” I say. “What does it smell like?” Paula asks. “No, it’s more like a sense, not a smell. I sense it all through my body. It’s everywhere. It’s sensory.” Into my mind comes something hard to describe. Heavy? Substance. Thick. Yellow. Disease? Yes. It’s disease. Can it be disease? The feeling is strange - all through my body. It’s like I’m suffocating. I can’t get free of this heaviness, this yellow mucus that’s spreading all through my body. My cells are drowning in infection. My whole body is drowning. That’s the feeling.
 
I don’t want to die! This fact cuts across my mind like a shot from a cannon. I don’t want to die! And I realize that I am dying from this disease. And I realize that I have neglected my body in favor of the outer symbols of wealth and aristocracy. Because I gave all my attention to the outer things my inner health was left unguarded. What good is a beautiful dress if I can’t live to wear it? What good is money if I am dead? What good is any of these outer physical things if I can’t control the inner body? The inner me? It has all been in vain. The baubles of the world are worthless and I don’t want them any more.
 
I see myself leaving this red dress but I am amazed!  I am leaving nothing behind!  Nothing!  I am everything there is and I am leaving all together. Whole and complete. I have lost nothing. And I see myself in darkness - a glittering mass of energy, like a brilliant living tree. I am contained and whole and utterly aware of myself. And I know that even as I neglected this body, that the next one I take I will not neglect it. I will learn how to imbue the tissues with a life all their own. I will learn to give my full and total attention to the inner me. I will lift up this body and I will not neglect it so that it decays and dies. I will not let it decay. I will give my body life.
 
This realization stuns me into the awareness that that is why I have spent such a long time on the inner me. Why I have rejected the glitter of the outward personality. The outside casing is unimportant except at the end, after the inside has been perfected. Now I am on the verge of turning my attention to the outer appearance. To my presentation. To how I come across to other people.
 
It is nothing that I have decided. That decision has been taken from the little mind. That decision is part of a greater whole. I am in touch with the greatness -- the ongoingness of me. I see that I don bodies as we here don dresses and shoes, while I do not change inside. I’m me. I have been fooling myself to think I am so small. There is more to me than meets this little mind and eye.
 
I am up now, saying good-bye to Paula. Bob has returned from the store and is at his desk. Paula is telling him that I am finished. Complete. And that we are going to think of how to celebrate my coming out. I don’t know. It will be fun, but it’s really not important. “Something you want to do especially,” she said. You and me - or, ...” “Rob and Bob, too,” I say. “Because Bob represents all that the world has to teach me. I need him. And Rob too.”
 
She is borrowing my Chinese internal medicine book. She is excited about it. So I let her take it until next Tuesday night when Rob will bring it to class.
_____

We had our fourth swinging seminar Saturday, yesterday. It was just as exciting as all of them have been. The format is followed, but the input of different people is like a different creation each time. This time it was less intense, perhaps from the people, perhaps because we are more relaxed. I speak more. I told the girls in girl talk about my sexual activities, blow by blow, with the man from the night before. Charles. The professor. His mind is way, way out. I took the lead. I am learning to take the lead and I enjoy it.


4/2/82 - The struggle between outer mind and inner wind

I go out to the swimming pool with renewed intention. I will swim, then I will shower, then I will go to my room to do my exercises and meditations. The day is hot. I pause to soak in the sun because I am a little cool from the air conditioned house. Bob is sitting inside the kitchen window so he can see me. He is reading his paper. I turn my focus upon myself for a moment to feel the sun. Suddenly the movements are there. I drop my towel and I am torn. I had intended to go into the water. Do I want to give in to them now? Perhaps I should put it off until afterwards. Well, just a little bit won’t hurt. I give in and my arms raise. My head is not into it but it doesn’t matter. My torso bends, my feet move in slow rhythmic slide and position themselves in a solid stance, reaching, shifting, until they feel right. I don’t know what they are looking for, they have a mind of their own. My hands are like the hands of a Thai dancer, the wrists bend one in the outer out. Now moving, snaking over my head. My mind isn’t here. I don’t want to do this. But I am not being forced. There is another part of me that does want to do this. I am aware that there is another mind in me that is not my conscious mind. I can make all the intentions in the world with my conscious mind, but there is a deeper intention in me which overrules me and takes priority.
 
I close my eyes. I am on the cement lip of the pool as I start to shimmy at the waist. Oh, no. I think. Here we go again. I wonder if I will fall into the pool, but I go with the increasing frenzy. I am going faster, faster, my hips are doing the hoola-hoop. Now my hands are snaking faster, my thighs are shaking, but my feet are solidly planted on the ground. I am thinking Bob is watching. He is wondering if he should come out to protect me from falling into the pool, inches away from my feet. I am aware that my biggest job is to integrate the movements and control them so I don’t fall into the pool. I am the guardian of my body, the will power that allows this to happen. I want it to happen because I know the force is a god-force, god-willed and god-intent – intent on enlightenment. I cannot say no because I’ve invited it. I am the hard casing around the germination process that is happening inside. My little mind doesn’t understand but…
 
The tempo is steadily, consistently increasing so that my head is now beginning to shake from left to right. In the space of two seconds it gears up to a frenzied convulsion, but time is not important because I know what is happening and it is integrated. My whole body is whipping back and forth. Now down into my legs and finally my feet start to jump. I am jumping, shaking something loose. There is a force at work inside. I can see it. Rather, I can sense it. It is made of light, colors of pink, blue, yellow, green. They are not just light, but of a substance like a solid. No, I guess they are a vibration, but they are solid nonetheless. Solid vibrations. They are full of energy. They ARE energy. There is sound present, there is life present. I am watching. This energy is a larger life trying to germinate in me. There is passion present. There is power present. There is action, movement. This is no passive thing!
 
Suddenly I realize that I am trying to bring this power into me through passive practices like meditation. This will never do. The only way to bring this power into me is by stepping aside from MY intentions and letting ITS intentions take over. Now I understand why I try so hard NOT to make plans. I have no room for plans. This is my plan – to let IT who has no name take over. It cannot be known by my small mind. I can only bend to its force and its workings in me. I can only allow it when it is time to move. This is my life, this is my love. Out of this springs the vision of a new life – ever new. It is hard to reconcile this vision with the physical world. The physical world is set. This life is not set. This life can NEVER be set because it is always new, always springing into action. Not for one fraction of a second can it set. It is on the go, on the move, changing, building, breaking down, uniting, blending, cutting swaths through the set ways of humankind.
 
I have a choice I suddenly realize. I can stick with the physical world and live and die with it, or I can cast my lot with this changing force of vitalization which, if I do, will imbue me with an ongoing life. One that cannot die when the physical dies, but goes on because it’s part of the ongoingness of life. Me. I am part of the ongoingness of life. This is a real, practical choice which I must make. I must choose to put down the passions of this force or let them express in me. I am aware that they will express in the form of unconventional action, such as free sexual expression, such as getting up to do my vigorous movements in the presence of others, such as taking the lead in the middle of a passive conversation and turning it into a powerful thing. I must choose.
 
But I have already chosen. This is merely another glimpse to remind me. I am so hard – my casing – like the hard shells of the little seeds I am trying to germinate. I have the same life force working in me to crack open my shell as they do. I am no different, trying to shed the old for the new. But integrate. I must integrate. Because I am not going to remove my shell, my body, like the seeds do. I am going to imbue it with life. I am not going to send up a physical sprout out of my body. I am going to send out rays of power and light to clean myself and my immediate environment. I am going to transform my world and my being. That is the growth I am going to do. It is different with a seed. We each have our destiny to fulfill.
 
Already I speak from this new mind and new body. But then it settles back down into the smaller and I am closed up again. And I feel old, bored, tired, sick of living. Then I do my movements again and I am new once more. Fresh and vital and never-ending. And the terrorism and the violence and the poorness of the world cannot reach me. I am too far into the light!


4/17/82 - A vision: How does one explain the splendor of the sun?

Last night the presence came again, after fifteen months. Fifteen months during which I lost count the number of times I crumbled my writings into a ball and threw them into the wastebasket and stare hopelessly out the window at the ever changing colors in the air around me, oblivious to my frustrated attempts.
 
How does one explain the splendor of the sun? How does one name that which has no name? Where does one find the temerity - the audacity - to attempt to fit that celestial brilliance into the rigid casing of the English language, where it must conform to human logic? For fifteen months I tried. I have been trying to create a helpful program of instruction to suit the times. There are so many people who want to know about meditation and the long lost powers of a race of gods now disguised in flesh. I could tell them. For fifteen months I have examined my task from every perspective imaginable. I have built it up and I have honed it down so that the simplest minds could understand. I have colored it with the truth that is stranger than fiction and I have filled it out with the meat of the practical mind. I have written it and revised it, again and again and again. And each time I have thrown it away. I have tried to explain the nature of that which cannot be explained. I have tried to fit the immortal into a mortal format, and for the last fifteen months the presence has not come, neither in the day nor in the night as it used to. Its absence seems to say, “Go ahead! Chisel it down to human size if you want but the fires of vision will not support you, nor will the majesty that you once knew visit you during such miniscule efforts!”
 
Finally I have been forced to admit to that which I once knew but had conveniently forgot. That which touches my inner heart from time to time, does so at the whim of a law not my own. That which illumines my inner eye is a light of a type unknown to me. I am but a fluff riding on giant waves, the recipient of a flame whose origins I do not understand. And so, two days ago I gave up in utter and complete frustration and agreed to stop all attempts to capture it in words. I gave up and in the wake of my surrender, the presence came again. In the night it came - that mystical light which conforms not an iota to the laws of this world, nor to the piousness of my body and mind. Undaunted by my imperfections it sought once more to establish itself within my being in all its sunlit magnificence, and impart a message to me.
 
Somewhere around dawn it came. I do not remember if my physical eyes ever opened or not, for I was in that peculiar state of consciousness which I have come to know so well, and for which I yearn so much these days, where my physical surroundings dwindle into nothingness as the ephemeral lights begin to twinkle into a crackling alertness in my mind, which signifies the coming of a great event.
 
The following attempt to describe the vision is a direct result of that particular visitation last night. I must put this down in writing. I must. I do not know why but I must. As I awoke from the stupor of sleep I became conscious of an immense sea of pulsating and sparkling lights which seemed to be electrical in nature. The over-all color was orange but with gold overlying and darkness underlying and blackness in the background. Upon closer inspection I found that I was WITHIN this sea of tiny little specks of light, each one of which was so miniscule as to be as small or smaller than an atom, for they were not able to be seen with the physical eye.
 
I did not see any one speck individually, per se, yet somehow I knew that each one was distinctly separate from its neighbors and unique. Yet simultaneously it was a unified part of the whole. The effect was like a strange kind of liquid undulation heaving with a mightiness that defied description, and a unity that defied separation.. This flowing sea of lights stretched in all directions into infinity for, again I don’t know how, but I knew that there was no end. I seemed to be part of this network of crackling lights that caused a great increase in my state of alertness. And as I watched I saw that each tiny spark was a mind with a consciousness all its own and it moved and glittered and sparkled with an intensity unique from its neighbors. The overall movement was one of exquisite sophistication and harmony not unlike a great orchestra caught up in a symphony of sounds where each instrument moves only in relation to the whole, never, never by itself.
 
I was overwhelmed with the immensity which was so obviously a living mind with vast powers of intelligence capable of holding the whole system together and in my heart there rose a song of devotion and praise, and I knew that I was one of those sparkling specks of light., I was struck with awe, and no matter in which direction I turned to look I could see far and deep. And I saw the varying shades and hues of light, the darker ones brownish in color falling into the backdrop, while the most brilliant ones, the color of the sun, came forward to catch and dazzle my eye, so alive where they - and radiating.
 
And now comes the hardest part of all. My words describe what I saw but there was another dimension to the vision which involved a penetration of feeling. The message that soon began to impress upon me was done through this deeper level of feeling. The sense of awe and grandeur to which I first awoke out of a dead sleep, was only the beginning. For shortly I found myself within the brilliant rays of a flaming intelligence focalized in the form of a sun. It burned with a white fire, whiter than any white I have seen thus far, yet I knew it to be a person. And as I fell into the magnetism of this intellect, I felt myself absorbing its attributes so that I was no longer myself, though I must have retained the shell of my former being in order to remember and describe it now. But for that span of time I was a part of that magnificent singular mind - that most impressive being - and I felt the whole spectrum of goodness - compassion, wisdom, intelligence, love, strength, purpose, clarity, refinement - it was, somehow, a fulfillment of what every mind should be, although who am I to say? I cannot imagine any mind on Earth ever attaining this grandeur even if it were to evolve for a million years. Such purity is impossible to imagine and yet, perhaps not. Perhaps not.
 
As I was being absorbed into the radiation of those rays, it was like being absorbed into the delicious rays of the warm summer sun yet a thousand times over. I became conscious of absorbing also a message most especially meant for me. I was being drenched with a quite specific instruction, through and through, body, mind and soul. It was so abundant and overflowing that at the height of the message it seemed that I WAS the instruction itself imprinting itself into every atom that composed my body. The moving pageant of the entire solar system would have faded into insignificance compared to that one moment in my life. And now I must attempt a translation into English, for this is specifically my task.
 
There was a prelude to the main body of the message and it was this: Had I been outside of the brilliance of this solar presence I would not have been able to receive its message. Thus for the short time that the message was being impressed upon me I was absorbed into it to become one with it. Only this way, I was told, could I have withstood its presence. This knowledge was given to me through an absorption into my whole being. The main part of the massage was as follows:
 
“There is an element unlike any element thus far discovered by mankind. It has yet to be researched and known. This elemental experience was given to me but I cannot describe it in words. I felt it and I knew it for the space of several moments. This element is similar to a power, yet it is more than a power for it comes close to being a substance. It is not fire, yet it is similar to fire. It is not water yet it is similar to water. It is not air yet it is similar to air. It is not substance yet it is similar to substance. It is not intelligence yet it is similar to intelligence. It has all of the above elements within it, yet it is more. It is somewhere between the physical and the nonphysical. This element has yet to be discovered and known and written about, and I am one of many who can do it. There are others. Many, many people are involved with it at varying levels, but those who are dealing with it on other levels cannot define it. I am to define what I experience. The visions I see come out of it and my movements are an effect of it. All of the incredible experiences I have been having come out of it and now I must put my experiences into words.”
 
In the lingering afterglow of this message I waited, as if on pause, because there was a secondary message. Its meaning was burned even deeper into the very core of me so that it became a permanent part of me, and it was this.
 
“I am not to presume that I know any more than anyone else pertaining to this element, for this is not the case. I have a certain purpose to accomplish and I have been prepared to carry out this purpose. My purpose is that of a recorder, not unlike the historian who records the facts as he sees them. If there were no historians, there would be no history books for others to use as reference points and guidelines in their work with this new element.”
 
The experience was still going on as I began coming out of that brilliant place into a smaller, darker space and I awoke in bed beside Bob, who was still asleep, trying to capture the echoes of it as it faded. Through my mind moved the haunting impression of once having held the glory of a sunset in the palms of my hands. It took me a long time to adjust to the flat darkness of my bedroom, time in which I became once more conscious of the clock whose red numerals glowed in the semi-dark and the heaviness of sleeping bodies. The soft light of the dawn was apparent through the draperies.
 
At length a bird called and pulled me all the way awake. I lay still and then at length shifted and put one arm across Bob and pulled myself close against his warm back, glad now for his fierce protection which, in times past, so annoyed me. I was glad because I could tell him in the morning about it. Who else would have encouraged these other worldly things and listened with such patience as I stumbled over the words? I pondered the element. What was it? The extraordinary feeling of it still soaking in my depths. It was sensory. What does it mean? The feeling is hauntingly familiar. It is extraordinarily close. it is significant. But of what? I pondered a long time and finally went to sleep.
 
I woke about 10 with Bob and even before I opened my eyes I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt the meaning of the message. I could identify the element that has yet to be discovered. The element is the soul. The substance of the soul, the other side of the physical. I was stunned. My experiences have been with the mysterious substance of the soul, alive and real in everyone but yet unknown. The unknown element is the soul, that illusive substance of personal identity which is the keystone of the new age. Chills run through me as I write this.
 
The meaning died away like echoes fading off into the distance. "An element unlike any element thus far discovered and yet to be researched. A power yet more than a power. Similar to a substance, yet not a substance. Similar to fire yet not fire, similar to water yet not water, similar to air but not air, similar to intelligence but not intelligence. It is somewhere between the physical and the nonphysical.”


5/20/82 - A personal experience with mysticism 
 
Today the sun plays upon my bare back. The air is still. I am kneeling on a mattress by the side of the swimming pool. It is soft to my knees. As I sway to the rhythm of inner movements a fine mist falls upon my skin blown from the sprinklers as they wet down the warm soil with its embryonic grass buried inside, and it feels good to me in the hot sun. Behind my closed eyelids I am aware of a whole new world coming to life in my mind. I am drifting with a flow I do not understand. The force that blows through my veins feels somewhat like a summer wind that sweeps across a barren earth stirring up the dust. It comes from out of nowhere, and it disappears beyond my horizon without my ever seeing it or touching it but it stirs me in its passing.
 
My mind echos with mundane things. The face of a sister and her whole life comes before me only to be encroached upon by the concerns of the meditation center in Costa Rica, wrenching my innards with nervous anxiety, which disappears in the explosion of another face and another life and another set of problems. Pictures, voices, ambitions, urges, the activity going on in my brain is magnified out of proportion showing me the quality of my daily life. Junk. Dirtiness. Old. Worthless. While my body dances to a different tune, new music, a silent rhythm.
 
I am on my feet now, bending, twisting, reaching, moving in the snaking dance of the exotic and ancient Thailanders, spontaneous. I do not understand where it comes from. And as I move, peace slowly seeps into my blood stream and begins its circulation through my physical system. The echoes of anxiety bouncing off the walls of my mind begin to die away and the slow passage from chaos to peace is underway. Suddenly there is a fresh image, an image of a man accompanied by a strong sense of earthiness. As the compelling force melts the flesh of my waist and moves on into my arms and I bend to its magnetic pull, the image washes through me with its presence, and I feel its solidarity, a deep and abiding love of – what? The earth, its people and their sturdiness. I am impressed, for this is new to me and I drink in the profound sensations. His colors are dark, dark greens, dark reds, dark blues, dark browns, dark flesh and I am deeply touched. I have an urge to absorb the earth into me and I am bending, bending. I am on my knees bending down and I press my lips to the green colored pavement that edges the pool. A surge moves through me from the earth and I rise and sway again in the sun, the image gone as quickly as it came.
 
A golden light in my pelvic area with a single ray reaching up and out the top of my head. Another single ray descending down and out the bottom of my feet and into the earth. Another ray issuing out to the left, piercing the atmosphere, another to the right, and then another and another, forward, backward and the realization that I am a connection between earth and the infinity that lies beyond. My knees bend and turn, my back stretches, my arms reach. I am full of awe for the power that graces me and pervades my being. Where do the movements come from? I have asked it a thousand times and a thousand times I test it to see if it is only my imagination. I will test it again, right now.
 
As I form this conscious thought I drop my hands to my lap and I listen, determined not to move. I will see once and for all, that these movements are figments of my overactive mind. Alertness crackles through me from cell to cell, from vein to vein, artery to artery, nerve to nerve, and from head to toe the message runs through me: stop the movements! Stop the movements! And we all stop to listen, bursting with curiosity to find an answer. But it does not last. My body fills with lightness too overwhelming to force back, and peace rises like bubbles from the bottom of the sea looking for release in the air from which they came. My arms raise and move and peace undulates around me like a cocoon. The test is no longer important for I am free and I am happy. It was only a momentary whim to try to capture the thing but it is too big to capture.
 
Surely, something I have done has pleased the gods that I should receive such a noble gift, for each time it flows it bathes me in happiness and washes clean my mind. A softness that is not of this world penetrates my body and fills my being. No earthly power could take a dirty and cynical attitude and cleanse it so that it is star-struck with a listening love for oneself and one’s life. My brothers, my sisters, I know you are there watching from your hidden place in the sun. I feel your presence and know your wishes. I too wish the same. But what are these movements? Can you help me understand? How can I write about them if I do not understand? Will you help me? Will you guide me through the realms that my mind cannot penetrate?
 
Light fills my mind. I feel the presence of a holy light, a crystal light and I love the presence of the light. I serve the light, I love the light. I am yours my lord [law], the light. I am yours to serve. My arms, my legs, my feet, my tongue, all of me is yours. I give myself to you, my lord [law], I give myself to you. The light of peace, of love, of truth, the light of purity. The song of devotion moves automatically through my inner heart and releases an emotion that fills my every cell. I open my eyes to the clear white of the clouds, the blue of the infinite behind them. My fingers are reaching for that which has no name. The tall scrubby pine that guards our back yard is dark against the sky and, as if responding to my eagerness, a squirrel jumps into sight and scrambles up one branch of the pine and flies into the air to continue running down another, chased by a bird gliding on outspread wings of blue. Nature is alive and responsive and I am once more a part of her. (end)
 
I am ready to receive our company tonight. Bob & Sis arrived later. Both are jaded by the dirtiness of the world. I didn’t want to have intimacy with him so I kept up a running series of questions, conversation consisted of their answering. I found out that she is attracted to psychic phenomena of the lower kind – demons, witchcraft, etc. I got the vibes to prove it! The willies and the creeps. But I cast a circle of light about me, about the room, and continued to question her, raising her up as she spoike, giving no credence to the things she spoke of  - neutralizing them. She said a few times, “I don’t want to talk about these things” but I kept questioning, kept prodding. These things must be opened up, released, talked about. I do it whenever I get a chance.
 
Then I finished with her and asked Bob (her husband) what he thought of these things!) He started talking, saying he doesn’t like to talk of them. But he came alive with interest and I felt the same creepiness crawling over me. I lifted him up and moved over beside him so I could feel his vibes. I asked him if he had any experiences – said he wanted to investigate these things, wanted to become a witch. When I finished questioning them I felt a little overwhelmed at how low they are. How many people are involved at this low level? What a job to raise them up, to explain away the darkness, to dispel the confusion, to shed the light. But that is my job. That is why I am here.  I felt it was OK to swing with them after that, but made no move. Instead we moved into the kitchen to sit around and have coffee. Smoked a little pot, but not enough to do much. I did see the power of his third eye, though. It was earthy as I felt him this afternoon in my movements. He is of the earth, pleasant and sincere. It is too bad if he gets pulled into the occult without understanding. Without balance. That’s the danger. There is no danger when there is understanding. There is no danger when there is openness. There is no danger when there is light. Secrecy must be dispelled. It is the big danger.


7/9/82 - Resigning myself to the lovely essence

I began my movements today with the ballet stance. First I propped the heel of the left foot up on the table in the meditation room, then I bent over to touch the toes. First with one hand counting to ten, then with the other hand counting to ten. Every day now for two weeks I've been doing this as part of a routine of exercises and I follow carefully what is written down on the piece of paper in front of me. It is the first time that I have followed a disciplined program that lasted longer than four days. The last time I made this attempt I succeeded in completing three days before the movements caught me up and tempted me away from my ritual.

I finished the ballet stance, put both feet on the floor and relaxed into a deep low bow all the way down to the floor and felt the familiar flow of the nectar inside. Every time I do the ballet stance, this happens. There is an almost magical release of mild ecstasy that seems to spring up spontaneously in every part of me, no one spot in particular but since I have been struggling to put some discipline into my life, to ground myself, I stopped the movement quickly before the meandering currents of euphoria began to lift me upwards on clouds of bliss.

There are two selves in me, one tries too hard and swims upstream against the current. The other observes, doesn't move, is content to float down stream with the tide. When the outer self lies down, the inner self wakes up and takes over. When I finally surrender myself, I am transformed almost instantly. Life blossoms into a transparent colorful miracle and joy and happiness flow without ceasing. But I am trying to discipline myself because that is what people are supposed to do. And my new regimen has done wonders for my sense of order and control. I am more in the world today and feel a more useful part of the system than I have ever been. And I have quite successfully ignored the tugging from within.

A night of happy lovemaking still stirred in my memory and in my body too, and I felt good with myself. But I was a bit too confident for suddenly my knees buckled under me and I melted into a contented springy little bounce on legs that felt like feathers and the euphoric energy began to move in spite of my determination at control. When I felt the heaviness of my body lifting from me and a lightness taking its place, I made a sudden, irrational decision to abandon the program today and go with the flow within. My will, softened from the sexual release this morning, surrendered without a fight and my two-week long planned exercise program sizzled out in abject failure.

I must say, I am highly suspicious of sexual love. That is, SOME sexual love, for it does not happen all of the time. There is an extraordinary number of mornings after when, during my meditations the movements are already awake, powerfully close and breathing ecstasy into me and brings me close into my heart even before I begin. And it laughs at my weak attempts at control. The lovely essence swoops me off my feet in a peculiar rising wind and totally ignores my mild protestations that I need to control it. And so it was this morning.

But, I resigned myself to it with love. Who of normal human weakness could resist such rapture? Is this not what all human beings seek? And no sooner did I agree to go with it, and turned around to shift my footing, when suddenly I felt softer, more subtle and oddly enough as though I had taken a step outside of myself, backwards and beyond, into a broad spatial expanse of a totally different region. I am sure that it was at this point that the outer self laid down, willingly surrendered, for there was a distinct movement from one point of perspective to another. And immediately a murmuring of devotion began in my conscious mind all by itself, as though someone else were speaking for me.

"I am the light," it began. "I am the light!" which was rather surprising to hear. I have heard this echo before on occasion during my meditations and oddly enough at times in the busy presence of others. But every time it happens I am totally surprised, as if someone has tapped me on the shoulder, yet when I turn around no one is there.

"I am the light." I am the light. I am the light. I serve the light. I see the light. I know the light. I am the light. I see the light. I serve the light. I walk in the light. I live in the light. I am the light. I speak the light. I live the light. I move in the light. I think the light. I see the light. I radiate the light. I am the light. I am the light. I am the light...."

The words seemed to move in rhythm with my body which was now undulating in a firm and solid slow dance. They sang on automatically, silent words ringing back and forth across my conscious mind, close within, nearby, while I slowly, ever so slowly, turned from my waist in the pattern of a Thailanese dancer, the familiar patterns I have been doing for over five years. I could feel the subtle wind in my fingers and arms, and they flowed together, apart, together, apart, together, up and down, slowly distinctly, as if following a harmony invisible to me. I have seen it a thousand times yet it is ever new. The rising softness stole through me and touched every cell awake and I seemed to be swimming in liquid euphoria. Ever so gently it rose, ever so naturally I moved, spontaneously and I exerted not an ounce of control. Only willingness to be so used. Totally at peace with myself, my mind was quiet and the words rang out....

"I am the light. I serve the light. I feel the light. I see the light..." and I did not initiate the words. They sprang into my awareness from somewhere deep and I was in accord with them. There was a high level of alertness to my mind, in a state of expectancy and wonder, tinged with devotion and I was in awe of this thing. How can it be that the world does not know of this phenomenon that occurs in me? I have never met anyone who knows what I am speaking of! Am I so rare? Miracle of miracles - there is a miracle that lives in me and no one knows. What is this thing?

As I raised my left foot I felt the energy ripple upwards through my waist, through the muscles into my shoulder, bringing my upper body to life, down and out my arm through my fingers. My thumbs and forefingers made a circle, my left hand bent and turned and pressed itself against my chest in the ancient symbol of the Buddha and his consorts. What is this thing? What is its meaning? Alertness crackled through me as if to say, "I know what I am doing, do not ask foolish questions!" And the movements continued on, my conscious mind following passively watching. My head bowed downward and upward as energy swirled in my brain making me light headed with a slight pressure at the crown.

My left foot slowly descended, critically testing the muscle capacity and planted itself firmly upon the floor in a precise position with the toes turned outward.. There was a flow from the floor a connection with the floor before the right leg and foot rose slowly in perfect balance, as if connected to a long line to the top of my head and the current flowed, poured down my right arm, doing its own motion separate from the other, and washed out my fingers, and these too made a circle of thumb and forefinger. The dance continued as the words flowed on, springing into my mind like a never-ending fountain...

"I am the light. I am the light. I am the light. I am the light. I serve the light. I love the light. I am the light. I love the light. I serve the light. I serve the light. I serve the light," and emotion rose in me. I really wanted to serve the light. I did not understand but I willed myself to it and desired to be part of it. I could feel the desire. I felt clean and whole, pure and fresh, and I knew that whatever this energy touched it would wash it clean instantly. I wanted to help and to be used by the energy and the love. The emotion began to ripple through me and grow larger and larger. Until now I was unemotional, floating in an impersonal feeling of euphoria, of bliss. Now there was a tender love, a desire to give and to caress and to lift up, and it began to pour out of me and as it poured out of me it was replaced by a deepening sense of awe and wonder and a deeper desire to give of myself. And I wondered - oh, how I wondered what this thing was and I asked, "Who are you, my Lord?"

Now, I must tell you that I am not a religious person in the sense of a formal religion. I do not go to church and I do not follow any religious ceremony. I cannot even follow my own program of meditation properly, never mind someone else's ritual. But this that lives in my body and mind is something beyond me and I am in awe of it. Although it has no identity, no name and I do not know what it is it is pure and exhilarating. I trust its intentions completely. As if in answer to the question, the words continued to ring out with the clear tones of a crystal bell:

"I am you and you are me. I am the stars. I am the sun. I am the earth. I am the soil. I am the worm. I am the plant. I am the bee. I am the bird, I am the tree, I am the moon, I am the sea, I am the sand, I am the night, I am the day, I am life, I am death...."

My body movements seemed to draw new life with each new word. Freshness poured into me as the words continued and I watched. I could feel the touch of the stars, the plant, the worm, the soil, the moon, the tree as these things, one by one, brushed across my consciousness. The words were clear: "I am the fish. I am the water. I am the thunder, I am the lightning, I am the rain, I am the rainbow," and I was indeed each of these in turn at that moment of time that the word was pronounced and as I swam in a heady sea of conscious delight - a consciousness that seemed to have no limits nor division but an endless sea of something indescribable, my heart was overflowing with a love that was at the same time, both natural and unnatural. Unnatural in that it was so intense, so pure, so completely happy and I was full of devotion.

My body danced in harmony with each attribute of nature - as the rain passed into my conscious mind, my body reflected the rain. My fingers soared and trembled and flickered as they moved downward and I became the rain. At the thought of the sun, there was a bursting outward of all things, and a radiation upon my face. Though I could not see my own face with my physical eyes, I could see in a way that I cannot describe, and for one brief moment I became the sun. I thought of the Hawaiian legends and the dancers and suddenly I knew how those legendary dances were born. My mind jumped to Thailand and the picture of the temple engravings on ancient stone walls and I knew where the inspiration came from. I knew so much and I saw the statues of the Hindu gods and goddesses immortalized in bronze, jade and gold, dancing for the glory of the greatest deity of all - that which has no name but which pervades all things and gives life, joy and intelligence and knowledge.

The words continued. "I am the past. I am the present. I am the future...." and for one brief moment I seemed to be able to see across the whole of eternity as the walls of my mind ceased to exist in a flash of realization. I saw that these three do not exist separately but are tied together in an infinite sea of living consciousness, supported by love.

The words bubbled on. "I am the poor, I am the rich, I am the wise, I am the stupid, I am the ugly, I am the beautiful, I am the evil, I am the good, I am the lame, I am the blind, I am the healthy, I am the humble, I am the proud, I am the weak, I am the strong, I am the low, I am the high. I am the man, I am the woman, I am the child. I am you and you are me...."

The words flowed like pure water out of an underground spring in the side of the mountain glistening with purity. Each word sprang forth alone and I neither controlled it nor saw it coming. It was there as it appeared and then it vanished as the next word arrived. In my awe I accepted it and allowed it to exist and finally my love could bear it no longer and I offered myself passionately. I responded, "I am your fingers. I am your hands. I am your eyes -- use me, my Lord. I am your tongue, I am your ears, I am your feet, I am your sexual organs, I am your legs, I am your body...."

Suddenly, I realized what I was saying, "I am the light. I am the body of the light. I am the temple of the light. I am body consciousness in this world - that's all I am. But I am cosmic consciousness in reality, beyond. I am the temple of the light. I am the tool, the instrument of life, and I was struck as if by lightening for I knew. Suddenly I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, what and who I am. 

I cannot express the depth of that realization. All I can say is that I knew for the space of several moments, a remarkable truth of what I really am and how it works. For that short period of time the grandeur was overwhelming. All thought stopped. All movement stopped. I knelt down on the carpet and quivered and shook with the power of that realization. Tears ran freely and unashamedly down my cheeks, for I could not contain it. The glory that I saw. I knew that it could not last. My mind is not big enough to hold it, and that thought began to close the door on the magnificence. Only the memory remained of an immense spatial consciousness of joy, of exhilaration, of being alive, of being - oh, where are the words? That I was part of a teeming oneness of love so pure, so indescribably pure and happy and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this is the real nature of life that mankind will eventually, one by one, evolve to, and I was given just a tiny little glimpse.

For a long time I knelt there remembering, and I could hear Bob talking on the telephone outside in the office. This is why each time I undertake a controlled exercise program, I fail. I have a serious problem from the standpoint of the world: I want to go with the wind in me. I don't want to control my life. This wind that draws me, pulls me like a magnet to yield to it. There is something already exercising in me that knows better than I which muscles to use, that is wiser than I, that is more intelligent than I, is sweeter, better, more abundant than I. It is richer, more perceptive, more powerful, more caring, more sure, more complete, than I, that is happier, healthier, more whole, that has more mercy, more love than I. Who am I to control that?


10/24/82 - Tiny streams entering the body from outside

A very good party last night. Mellow, sweet and happy. Everything flowed beautifully. Sunday I am into my movements out back, in the far left corner by the fence. I am suddenly aware of the light in the pelvic bowl and simultaneously of my whole body. I see the outer me like a dead shell enclosing a source of light in the pelvic region. The deadness is striking! The body is aging and dying. [44 years old] The brain, the eyes, the organs, arms, legs, the whole thing is only a casing. It was created merely to house the Force - the Presence. But, where is the force?

It is bubbling up from below, like a tiny light that is growing and spreading upwards. The body is dead, it cannot operate at all by itself. It is being generated from this light. I see the reason why people are confused.  I can see it! There are thousands of tiny streams - pinstripes - entering the body from outside. There is a stream of input from outside the body, from other sources. Sources other than the self.

Tiny, hair-like lines are entering the body through the skin, wending their way into the interior of the body, deeper and deeper, criss-crossing each other in tiny delicate patterns, weaving a complex web of artificial beliefs. Laying a garment over the Self, but a garment made of other people’s lives and beliefs. The real self who lives inside, the force, the presence, is being drowned out. What is this web that is woven into the very fabric of our bodies? Being absorbed into our blood streams and nerve centers? It is not light like the Light in the pelvic bowl, it is simply energy. Steadily, with relentless consistency and perseverance, outside influences pour into the body via these roadways, no thicker than a spider’s webbing.

Constantly, with hardly a break in the flow, those contrary ideas enter the Self and penetrate deeper and deeper til finally the light itself begins to look dull. The will of the individual allows it. The self, the holy presence of self located at the center of the body in the pelvic region, the home of instinct, the heart of individuality, is killed. I can see it. It looks like a battle. The inflowing streams of other people’s thoughts and ideas converging on the streamlets of light. The darker streams coming down from the head, the light streams coming up from the pelvic bowl, meeting, converging. Which is stronger?

In my case, the light is stronger. I am generating it every day, as I do my movements. And I do not answer the telephones, even for friends, except for an occasional purpose. I do not read the newspapers. I do not watch the news. I do not discuss world affairs with Bob. I do not involve myself with mundane activities of other people. I seldom leave the house except for a social affair. I am fairly well insulated from the confusions going on around us. But what of other people? How can they hope to overcome this constant pummeling from without?
Inpouring confusion, inpouring turmoil, inpouring dogmas, inpouring family beliefs, inpouring expectations, inpouring cultural patterns, inpouring political, economic, religious, philosophical views, inpouring news, inpouring TV shows, inpouring problems, EVERYTHING is inpouring! Versus - what? How much light is coming out? So little, I think. It is no wonder the people are confused. It was never meant to be this way.

The light in the center of the bowl is the Self - the real person. Individuality which is constantly on the march for expression, and constantly in battle with friends and family who would repress it. The enemy is in one’s own house: family, friends, work associates, and one’s own weak will. Freedom to be is no laughing matter, no obscure thing. It is the greatest pursuit of life: freedom. it means exactly that. I feel free even as I am insulated from the world. I am free to be me.

All of this mixed bag of potpourri has nothing - nothing! - to do with the self. It is like a dirty rag thrown over a radiant, crystal pure light. I see it! Indeed, it lays a dirty shadow over that radiance. Hiding the light under a bushel, the Presence of Selfhood within. I see it and I know how it works. Solution is to have a strong sense of self and a strong will to accomplish one’s personal desires. Don’t swerve from your personal course. Your personal course is your destiny, is freedom, is required. Stop talking and do something you want to do. Anything! I tell Bob - don’t talk any more about Bobby. Do something! So many people believe in the democratic way. That is fine for people who do not have any power. But for someone who wants to become free - it is not the way. Free to be is free to act - finally act.

That’s the light. Self is personal intuition, personal choice. It doesn’t pass through the brain. It radiates directly upward from the pelvic source. It passes through the nerves - at least in me it does - and my body perceives it before my brain. I feel it. It radiates directly form the pelvic source through the nervous system to the whole body. The whole body picks it up at the same time that the brain does - not before. The brain is not the initiator. It is the observer. The brain cannot initiate an intuitive feeling, nor a psychic experience, nor a revelation. It is felt all over and the brain observes. I sometimes see the brain observing. I stopped just now to look inward again. I let go, or give up, or step back, whichever the wording is, I release control of the body and then I feel the gentle movement of the force swaying through me, and the presence is there - like a unifying thing - pulling it all together. It is quite beautiful. I am trying to be objective. How I wish I could be more objective. And yet, perhaps I would lose the wonderful sensations I feel.

The chief number one argument is: “But it takes the brain to pick up the fact of movement. Without the brain, you would never perceive that you are moving.” And I disagree. The out-of-body experiences confirm that the Observer, the Intelligent Resident, the Self, continues to think, perceive, make decisions and choices, even when the brain is sleeping or even dead. Especially this is confirmed by those who clinically died and then decided to return, to reactivate the body. Finally, the day has arrived where we have some proof. Perhaps not proof as science would demand, but proof for beginning researchers to use as guide-finders. There is a larger Self which resides in the body. I AM that Self.


12/25/82 - Kundalini as a window of clarity, flawless as a diamond
 
(Channeled) The only advice I would give to someone who has had the kundalini awaken is this: you must adore the spirit that is now alive in you. You must, without a shadow of doubt as to the benefits, direct your thinking attitude towards the highest, towards God, towards the utterly pure and divine nature which is, indeed, the very fountain  now flowing through you. Without this conscious direction, as a ball player must concentrate on the conscious and physical pitch of his ball, it will go astray and lead you down some very dark alleys and byways, and unbeknownst to you as to how you got there, you will see only confusion, hysterics, and profound heaviness of spirit so that you will not want to live any longer. This is not said to scare you, for it is the truth. But it is said to show you, by comparison, what it is that must be done.
 
Gopi Krishna has selected the avenue of science to pitch his conscious energies, but as he himself has said, “I am not a guru. I do not wish to have followers or disciples for it would weigh upon my consciousness.” Thus, when he directs your focus to other things, do not forget that he has said, “The man must be of noble character. He must pray and adore God.”  He must be honest, not flawless, but contain those humane characteristics which we admire. This is the only avenue – the only avenue. It is the avenue of the crystal flame, the Christ within you.
 
There are gradations within the glory of the sunset. From the darkness of the opposite side of the world to the bright gold of the orb itself. Thus there are gradations within the galaxy of God’s power which cannot be known by man. It is passed through transformers to cut down the power, little by little, and each transformer is a living consciousness of God – a living being on the path of evolution back to its father source. You are a transformer. That which passes through you from on high, you translate into the low to spoon feed those under your wing. Thus, they who are under your sponsorship, in turn, spoon feed those beneath them. How many on earth have ever asked: ‘Who, then spoon feeds us from on high? Who are they? What do they look like? Are they men or angels and where do they come from and who beyond them spoon feeds them?’
 
No, not many ask these questions due to the business of their day. But there is, my loved ones, a network of living beings which extends from beneath your feet, deep and low within the earth, upward, higher and higher into the ethers above your head, out in the atmospheres beyond your earth which are, indeed, as you suspected, the higher realms of consciousness where God breathes his lovely breath into the ears of the angels that they may speed off with new messages. And so the golden network of living consciousness extends far beyond, out into the reaches of golden ecstasy and a light that you cannot comprehend to carry the truth of LIFE – that which bonds us together – to the furthest extremes of space and consciousness. It is this one element, LIFE, which is the cord of communication between us – you below and us above. Over this cord of contact we send our messages and you hear in your minds – but only if you are open to hear us. Only if you have turned your space ear towards us, through your attitude, your lovingness, through your humbleness, and your knowingness and your willingness to listen for you know we hold more truth than you can at this present moment. We are in the position of standing on a tall mountain to see below in the valley, to know the hazards, the right and the wrong way to turn. Thus we are here to help. We know the problems of that which you call kundalini. You yearn for answers. I have given you the only way to go. This is the way to turn for help, for expansion, for direction. Look up, with your heart. Look up with your hope. Look up with your inner self. Look up with all that you are, and you will always know the right way to go.
 
The ultimate power which retains its wholeness, which cannot be reduced by a single consciousness, this power can only reach man through a very small opening – a window so to speak – a window of clarity. And this window when seen through the eyes of a clairvoyant, is like a crystal. It is as flawless as a diamond and is even seen as a diamond and is often referred to as the pearl of great price. The jewel is beyond value. The facets are perfectly cut to reflect the purity of God, each attribute of God, perfectly. One facet reflects love in utter perfection, in the totality that God, himself is. Another facet reflects truth in the highest as only God can be truth. Another reflects freedom as only God can be and give freedom. Another facet reflects the unity of his power; another the compassion of his heart, another the joy, another the peace. Each facet and there are thousands upon thousands of facets, each colored a little differently than the others yet connected to all the others in turn, allows the perfection of that holy ray of God to be focused, as the sunlight is focused through a physical crystal hung in the window. This crystal – this cristal – is what you on earth refer to as the Christ. It is a true crystal in every sense of the wor.d Thus you need have no fear, when you use the word “Christ” that you are becoming enmeshed in dogma as the churches would do. It is a cosmic word, a cosmic reality, and it exists within every single living consciousness from the smallest atom to the largest star in your heavens. The cosmic crystal, the living Christ, is the window through which the power of God enters that consciouisness.
 
It is tied in with the kundalini irrevokably – the kundalini is a portion of itself broken off and cast downward into the body to serve as a crystal anchor for that heavenly spark of consciousness. Without such an anchor God could never enter such low vibrations. Thus, to expand upon this spark, to open the doors that it may flow at a faster rate of speed, you must harmonize your environment, the seed bed of your own body and the foods you eat and the thoughts you entertain and the atmospheres through which you pass. You must clean up the seed bed of your mind by turning its direction toward the heavenly things. And you must clean up your environment by playing beautiful music to soothe the soul, mix with people who emanate peaceful vibrations and work where peace prevails, and shun the confusions of the world. Prepare yourself for peace. Sit down and work out the problems of your practical life to rid yourselves of the turmoil and bedlam and the unfair compromises which you yourself have created. Rid yourself of the problems, but not by running away, but by the process of cleaning up. When your house is swept clean, the holy rays from above of power, of love, of truth, of wisdom, that come through the crystal within you, will be able to flow more freely, unimpeded by the clumsiness and unwieldiness of the human creations that obstruct its flow. Turn toward the heavenly duties which you inherently know, deep within your heart, and then turn around and begin the physical act of cleansing, using the wisdom received by your heavenly contact. The hierarchy of light and life is at your very fingertips, no further than your own heart and mind. It takes but your own willingness to turn, abruptly, from the confusion toward the peace and love and light. This can only be done by you, by your own consciousness. It takes no physical act, but rather an effort of desire. For if you desire confusion you will not be able to tear your eyes from it. Check this lowly desire and know that all fulfillment and ecstasy and joy comes from above, not below.
 
But one word on working out your practical problems. It is true that a problem may disappear in the twinkling of an eye under cosmic rule, but that is only when the instrument is a perfect instrument, unflawed and unsoiled by the human condition. This is not the normal state of the normal person. Thus, a “working out” must be done. This requires the use of the “two-edged sword” – the tongue! Did you know that, blessed ones? That the tongue is that mighty two-edged sword so regaled throughout history as the tool of victory and truth? You must speak with those with whom you work and live. You must work through the inconsistencies and the illusions and the misunderstandings if you would have harmony in your household. They will disappear simply by turning your back, because there is another consciousness involved in your friend, which is evolving in its own space and time which is not connected with you at all, except in those areas that directly concern him. Otherwise, deep in his or her own mind and heart, she or he has a world different from yours, a logic that extends into other areas, a comprehension that may overlap your comprehension but it certainly does not cohabit it in its entirety and wholeness. Thus in your physical realm, you must learn to speak with one another, not AT one another, for in order to create harmony, you must dissolve into dust the mounds of distrust that arise from lack of understanding. If each could but look beyond the human condition into the very soul and spirit of the other person, one could erase these conditions on the spot! But this is highly improbable, for most people are in their darkness due to the fact that they are blind. Thus dear ones, talk to one another in love, in empathy and in honesty.” End.


3/30/83 - What it's like to incarnate in a physical body

Today I saw, just for a small span of time, what it is like to incarnate in a physical body with its aches and pains and hardships and pleasures, in relation to the whole. It was as if for a moment my focus on this world had lifted and I could see across a sea of - what? - of awareness perhaps. Definitely living. And out of this sea a coagulation. A vortex of desire which results in an eruption into the physical world. Strange, I saw this as I was driving down the back road into Tampa to the printers. I had just done my movements in the sun of which I will speak in a moment, for I am again astounded by that etheric current that moves in me. And as I drove, I seemed to pass in and out of that wide state of mind, like passing in and out of the water when I swim, the water being murky and the air being clear. This world being murky, the other being clear. Odd and difficult to describe. And as I drove down Fowler toward Kinko’s, after turning from Morris Bridge Road, I came through the more commercial district after the contrast of the beautiful tree-lined back road from Zephyrhills and, again, I passed through the bubble of time as it were, right in front of a bank. The bank was there, the buildings and the people were there and yet it was small and insignificant, reduced to a point in space, while I was everywhere, seeing it all, the wonder of an eternity behind us, alive, real - oh, so real! Crystal clear.
 
I am so impressed with the movements. What is this lovely thing in me? There are no words to describe it. For someone reading these words I ask forgiveness for it may seem boring to re-read the same sentences of awe, over and over. But if it appears boring it is only further proof that that which exists in this world - namely words and paper and objects and even thoughts - are transient and old. Crusts on the surface of an eternally fresh and new and innocent aliveness like a bubbling spring of pure water which can never ever become ‘old”. There is no way for it to become stagnant for it is ever moving. We are operating out of hardened forms that have no freedom of movement, while there is a flowing in and out of these forms all the time at a higher faster rate of speed. So fast that we cannot see. It is invisible.
 
I have been trying to perform my “exercises”. I’ve even written them up on paper to follow like a formula and pleased with myself if I have been following them. Yet I cannot help but feel something is wrong. For when I do these “exercises” on paper I am dead, my body heavy. But still I felt that I was “disciplining” myself and I have been forcing myself. Today I placed my mat under the tall pine and laid my paper beside me. I had no music, no tape recorder. Only my stool to sit upon and I knelt toward the sun. It was actually hot today - wonderfully hot - and I closed my eyes and lifted my arms to the sun, or rather my arms raised of their own accord and I allowed myself to go with the flow of that ever present whisper to the gods in me.
 
I have a new mantra which evolved of its own: the Lord’s prayer. Except that I have substituted some words and I am surprised at the revelations that that prayer from 2,000 years ago gave to me. I see through the words into a living pool of wonder and I take it upon myself. Devotion and awe and a love for life and the livingness in me is all there is. I am so much of an instrument of this Life. And I stood after awhile and twisted and turned and first on one leg and then another, and I gave myself to the physical postures of the wind in me and finally - something I never do when I structure my exercises - the wind laid me down and there was a pressure on the top of my head and I felt as if I were blended, my spirit with my body intertwined so that I was all one thing, one expression and I lay there and the sun became a part of me and I became apart of the mat and the grass and the earth and I was whole, all together.
 
All of this took much shorter time - perhaps 45 minutes, whereas I spend a whole two hours when I “structure” my exercises. And even when I spend two hours I do not end up with the wonderful feelings of freshnness, newness, aliveness, as if life is worth living. I cannot help but think that ANYTHING that requires a forced discipline is wrong. The Life in me wants to move on its own. There is another mind in me and it wants to be free.
 
As I rode down the back road to Tampa, I saw the trees and nature so close to me, overshadowing me, and I was awed by them and in love with them - and on other occasions I never saw, never felt that awe. In fact, I am always carrying around my tape recorder to listen to someone else’s words. Today, someone else’s words would have corrupted the purity of my peace. But I know - at least I knew for a short while - what it is like, the moving in and out of physical life. This physical life is but a brief sojourn, like a trip to the store. Our existence is not in the store, although we meet friends and talk to people there, but our existence is back home and we always return back home when our task is finished at the store. It is that insignificant - this life. Oh, but make the most of it! It must be lived with great care. I know that it will be over soon and I will be free once more to go back home.
 
Like clouds rolling around in the skies above, our lives rolling around in time and space, outside of infinity where they are anchored. Desire becomes the key ingredient to bringing us into physical form, into this world. Desire. The overcoming of desire is the only way to overcome this world. My desire to create a meditation center has been overcome. My desire to perfect Bob’s Factor Zero commodity program has been overcome. My desire to create meditation tapes is in the process of being purged from me. The urge flits in and out these days. And in the open spaces I see that it is unimportant. But then again, the urge comes on me and I feel the desire. But I will overcome this desire too, and I will soon be free. Roland and Richie have been overcome - they do not hold me any more.
 
I fear my next trip to Costa Rica - and that fear must be overcome. I fear it because I feel a vibration there that I cannot handle. It is a psychic thing that goes into me and causes me to feel close to insanity, as though my grip on my sanity is suddenly gone. It is very strange. But on the other hand, the other side of that same coin which causes me to fear, I know I have to go again. That I am born of that country, the life force is fed to me from there, and I must go again.


4/2/83 - The Harvest

Yesterday we went to Lake Como. It was Good Friday. While Bob sat on the cement benches down at the sandy beach I set my towel down intending to sit, and then my feet carried me down by the tennis courts and around by the water as if under the direction of a higher will. The sun was out and it was warm and I was pulled into the spaces beyond. I walked over to the little bridge where the water drifts inland from the lake and I stopped there with a sense of a Conscious Will all around me. I have vowed never to use capitals when I write about these things and yet I cannot help but use them here because the significance of the thing is too great. I enjoyed it as it flowed in and around me, lifting me. Four people walked by and said hello, and I said Hi back, knowing I was enveloped in an aura that set me apart. I turned and walked back toward the lake by the sand pile where two boys were building a sand castle, their shorts and tee shirts all sandy. They were about 12. They glanced at me and paid me no mind, and it was then that I saw it.
 
It was as if the heavens had moved back for me again, so I could glimpse into them and read the plan in store for us. Conscious of sparkling pinpoints of light and a clarity unknown on the physical level, I knew – the knowledge was suddenly there for me to see – I knew that the human race was a crop to be harvested. Each human body is a seed with a hard physical casing, but a precious thing grows within like a baby in a cradle. And the whole field of souls are being cultivated constantly, passing inspection daily, growing, expanding, like a field of corn but far more precious and important. The human consciousness is being cultivated to bring forth faith in that which exists outside of space and time, faith in that which moves us. Each human consciousness is being tenderly, softly – oh so softly with the most wonderful care – is being directed to surrender to the obvious. Every situation is carefully orchestrated and one day the harvest will take place.
 
This was the essence of the message: the harvest. The harvest is near. When the harvest takes place, those who have allowed the cultivation of faith in a larger power – they will be taken up. Once they have proven that they can live by this faith alone, by placing their lives and their daily actions into the hands of the power that surrounds them by the moment, by the minute, by the second, and makes the conscious choice by the moment to go with that flow from higher plateaus – they will be taken up by that very power, for there is no need for them to remain any longer. No more than the ear of corn should remain on the stalk once it is full and ripe.
 
There is no way that I can explain on this paper what I saw. For what I saw was knowledge and one cannot put a vision of knowledge on paper. But it is beautiful. And it is not sad because those who are not ready yet would not enjoy being taken up. Those who are not mature enough need more time on the vine and the laws of life are so compassionate, so gentle, so full of love that whoever needs more time will be given more time. There will always be time enough for development. There is no need to rush and repent as the religionists say. There IS time. Time will always exist just as heaven will always exist, so long as there are those who need it.
 
What does it mean by being taken up? My mind wondered, but as I pondered whether the real flesh would be taken up, and if so, how, and all of the implications of flesh and blood and war and peace – things that pertain to this world and this reality, I realized that there would be no answers. I had been given a glimpse into the truth of the spirit, but the mystery remains as to how that spirit will work it when the time comes. I don’t’ know any more than anyone else as far as that goes, but the revelations are so wonder-filled. So full of light and love and peace that I have no way of passing it on.  Except to write.
 
With a great sadness I am glad not to write, to give up my ambitions to accomplish anything in this lifetime. I accept that there is a mind in me that is not MY mind and it seems to be putting ideas into my head as if to test my willingness NOT to do them, for each time I try, I fail. I have no purpose but to be. And to be willing to change by the moment and not be bogged down by ambition. So I give the last of my ambition up. To write.
 
The days are strangely quiet, wonderfully complete. Last night we had a couple come over to be introduced into swinging and the man was very shy and very tender inside, and the woman was very beautiful and very innocent inside, and we enjoyed them so much. And we went to bed, Bob and I, together and I woke with such an all-pervading sense of unity and love and peace – as if time had stopped and would forever be stopped. But Bob got up and so I did, too.
 
I remember a dream. Crazy and mixed-up but in it a group of people heavy with flesh and karma were coming together for the harvest. They needed to overcome the karma that held them down as if caked with mud. And I was one of them. And we came together and started to sing in ourselves in worship to that which is higher than us, and the singing of the souls whirled round and round in a spiral fashion, upward, higher and higher, and it lifted us, each one, upward and out of the mud-encrusted karma which hung around us sucking on us. And we were lifted upward, again among sparkling pin-points of light, into clarity and joy. I knew when I woke that the way out of this world, when the time comes, is through adoration of that which is greater than me. Through the song of love for the higher power and through worship, for the direction in which the soul looks is where the soul will end up.
 
Today, Saturday, I was out in the spaces again and I finished cooking for the little party we will have tonight and I went into the meditation room and sat on my stool and breathed deeply. I started counting and holding my breath and when I reached 64 my arms raised. I continued counting, however, and an interesting thing happened. While my mind was busy with the counting and the holding of my breath, another part of me began worshiping in a rhythm that seemed in tune with the rhythm flowing through my arms! There were two parts of me in operation! And I was conscious of both. I was happily surprised and I continued counting and holding my breath while the other movements overlapped my conscious mind. But shortly I was too absorbed in the larger movement and my counting stopped and my breathing resumed a normal pace. The movements continued with me watching.
 
Today, I again became aware of the Power behind me. It is distinctly conscious, distinctly a mind beyond this mind in my head. Yet I feel it is a part of me. No, I feel that I am a part of It. I feel that I am a little thing, an artificial creation that can be stopped at any time with no harm done, while the real will continue on. It is humbling to realize this. It makes me wonder why I am even here! I guess so I can recapture the truth of life and allow its suffusion into this little self. Peace soon engulfed me in a rather short period of time and through the open window the green trees and grass and air moist with the rain from the night, called me. I went outside, placed my mat by the pool in the drizzle and continued the movements for another ten minutes, the largeness moving through me.
 

6/30/83 - A powerful experience with kundalini

We are in Costa Rica staying with Jim in his apartment. After Jim and Bob left for the office I unpacked. I’m feeling lethargic, ran in place in the apartment and did deep breathing. Movements came, serpentine, strong, visions. While the current flowed through my body and legs and head in the sweet fluid movements of light and rhythm that I have become so in love with, I did something different. I formed a thought in my mind for the first time. “I respect you for you are the intelligence of the movements in my body and you are bigger than me. But I ask you now to focus your power onto the lower abdomen, into the stomach and do what you have to do to strengthen this part of my body.” I feel a laziness there, and I felt like a mental pencil writing upon a mental page with a sharpened point as I said this. As soon as I finished saying this in my mind, my body stopped its lovely movements for the space of several moments.
 
I noticed then, as my gaze shifted, the mountains sprawled out before me and the deep purple hue mixed with dark greens of the trees and the pasture lands, and the tall fir trees across the road below the porch. I realized suddenly, as a brand new thought spreading over my mind, how foolish I am looking so far and wide for the right place in which to meditate when the right place is always - ALWAYS - at my own front door step. Literally, in this case, and further, that this would be true in all instances, not just occasional instances, if I were to be more aware. And further, that this is the root of the problem for everyone, not just me. In mere seconds this realization established itself.
 
And then my body tensed. Muscles in the stomach tensed, muscles in my thighs tensed, without my intention. The powerful current seemed to concentrate in the lower part of me and I became aware of the muscles in the stomach as though my mind was suddenly inside - yes - I was inside a powerful force inside my abdomen muscles and I became aware of the looseness there and the powerful constrictions now taking place, pulling in, sucking in, forcing in, tensing, the elasticity of flabby tissue. The power ran down my thighs, the buttocks as if they were tied in to the abdomen and the organs inside. The power lingered in the stomach and the bowels are quivering with tension as the power seemed to concentrate, penetrate, unseen by me, performing some sort of operation. My awareness quickened, my mind was focused, sharp, but I could not tell what it was doing. Only that it was doing SOMETHING.
 
I elaborate here because of the uncanniness of the whole thing, for the force IS uncanny, intelligent and it causes me to be in awe whenever it moves through me for it moves without any effort on my part whatsoever. I have experimented over the years with my own effort to try to find the key, the answer to this strange force. I have experimented with my will, my own thought force, and it always proves futile. The power operates without my will, without my intention, without effort, although I can work WITH it in the same way I would work with a friend. It is uncanny because it is a totally separate force outside of me. I could almost say it is another personality because it follows a mind of its own until I speak with it intentionally.
 
For the past seven years I have allowed it free rein in my body. My only discipline has been to yield to it, to give it space and time. I have forced myself to step back and give it room and freedom within my body. I have invited it to come in. I have surrendered my will to it because it has proven itself to me, that it is good and superior to my own intelligence and intentions. I trust it beyond even myself. I feel that I must talk about it, elaborate about it, tell others about it, because it is like discovering a new element, a fifth element after earth, air, fire and water. This is spirit, a force that comes from space, from cosmically-attuned space. It comes from another dimension - a dimension of freedom and victory and class and nobility and light. It is not of the earth. It is not of the air, it is not of fire and not of water. It is something new, a brand new element arriving in this plane from another. It is new and yet it is not new. It is ancient. It is from beyond time. It is eternal. Yes, I elaborate on it because it is uncanny. And its movement through me leaves sparkles in its wake and it spreads revelations through my consciousness like a holy mist.
 
Now I am bending over, the force tightening my stomach muscles even more and my breath is forced out of me - not just out of my lungs but air is squeezed out of my muscles like strong hands squeeze water out of a sponge. And when it seems there is no more air left in me, the tightening continues, the squeezing continues and the air continues to exhale like a sighing wind blowing through an empty canyon, a siren's song, a long drawn out wail of wind. Where does it come from? I didn't know I had that much air in me. Finally, the wailing wind dies down and this organism that I once called my body begins to turn the tide and into its hollows new air is sucked. Slowly, ever so slowly, eternally slowly, sucking, drawing, something is painstakingly filtering it in, consciously filtering in and the tissues expand, the cells drink deeply of this new fresh air, and like a balloon I am pumped up with air. And again, the tide turns. Again some unseen, larger-than-life force constricts the muscles and performs the operation all over again. I am in the hands of a power that once was soft, now is hard, forceful and concentrated. Because I finally directed it to do a job. It's been waiting all these years for me to direct it. It is eager to be directed. I can see.
 
My body moves, jerks, spasmodic movements. The force - the awareness - moves constantly from muscle to muscle, from place to place, up my back, from muscle to muscle, down my left arm, down my right arm, blowing doors down, following the paths of least resistance, testing resistance, forcing resistance because I want it to break down doors. It is a blowing out of dead things - crusts, mental crusts, emotional crusts, now turned physical.
 
A crystal cord of liquid opalescent colors becomes apparent as the power moves through me. It comes from above my head and enters through the crown and descends down to the pit of the bowel area where the power is concentrating. It reminds me of an umbilical cord of a new born baby, which is almost translucent, except this is more crystalline with many colors shimmering through it. The power is flowing down this cord and exiting at the bottom into the pit of my abdomen. It is about one and a half inches in diameter, twisted and bulging with contractions.
 
Now my body is undulating like a belly dancer and I am making no effort. There is no work involved on my part. Undulating just like a snake. All the power heavily concentrated in the very center of my abdomen where the reproductive organs are and the colon. Thick, heavy power, crystalline like liquid life. Back and forth and forth and back, undulating and I remember that this is the very same movement that George Adamski showed me one day to do. “Do this every day,” he said, “and your internal organs will retain their youth and elasticity.” But I have not done it. “Be a true woman,” he said, “like the belly dancers. There are very few real women in this world. They have not been trained in how to use their bodies.” I would have felt regret but I had no time. All the concentration was taken up by the movements, as if my awareness WAS the movement.
 
When is it going to end? As the force continues to undulate I realize how lazy I am, physically. I want to stop and rest but the force keeps working. “Don't mind me,” I say to the thing. “You just continue for as long as you want to. I'll go along with it.”
 
Next, I am bending over again and blowing out hard, my head shaking back and forth, and my hands shaking water off of them, hard and fast. Like in the old days, the first few days when kundalini first awakened in me. This motion continues for as long as the undulating motion did, about one and a half minutes. In the old days it went longer. And then the power stopped dead. It was over and I went in and laid on the bed and slept for 30 minutes.
 
Later I went to the office in time for lunch. During lunch a trance-like cloud swept my consciousness up and away, leaving me vacant as I ate. Immediately I wanted to go lay down but didn't. I stayed and went to the meat market with Bob. Upon return to the office, the force was swirling upward, upward, outward. I could hardly wait to lie down. Not sit in meditation but lie down. It was strong! I entered my office and closed the door and removed my shoes. I put the new brown sheet on the mat and collapsed onto my back. For 45 minutes I was out. Not entirely losing consciousness, but far, far away. Most of me away. Not conscious of anything but not being in my body, yet still aware enough to wonder how long it would be before I would regain full normalcy again. Forty five minutes later consciousness returned almost like a flash. I felt myself coming in, reeling in and I watched the process. I woke entirely then as if nothing had happened. Or perhaps as if I had gone on a trip and returned. Anyway I did it better this time.
 
Several weeks ago this same sort of thing happened. I fell into the same trance-like state one mid-afternoon after lunch. I started meditating on the stool but soon abandoned the stool to lie down. I immediately spaced out. When I returned I literally slammed into my body like a rock falling from the sky. At the point of impact my eyes opened wide and my arms flew up over my head amidst an explosion of colors, the same liquid colors displayed in the umbilical cord. Beautiful colors that flashed and splashed and radiated outward with me in the center. It is a most interesting phenomenon but I have no one to talk to about it. I tried talking to Nikko who does shiatsu and tai chi but he didn't respond. Instead he's talking agriculture with Allen sprawled out on the floor and mat, while I am paving a column of openness to the city above San Jose.


6/16/84 - A super-powerful kundalini presence

The presence is something else. I have been, during our retreat to Florida over the past month and a half, relaxing and learning - yes, learning - how to enjoy life to its fullest. We even turned down invitations when it was “our” day because we love our life here so much. Now, we are gearing back up. The clock is ticking. We have to go back on the 25th. Bob has been so good with me and to me. He has shed something, and is softer. His heart attack has left him vulnerable. He has used that word. It is nice. He is on medication. But for the record I wanted to say something which I woke up with this morning. We worked late last night and finally hit bed at 2 am. But I woke at 2:30 and then again at 3 with the energy alive in a more remarkable way than before. First it hasn’t been there for a long time. (I haven’t been on “high” energy for a long time, I’ve been fighting it.) But even so, this time it was different.
 
It was (let me see if I can remember for it has gone away now as I came out of deep sleep I saw it) as if the energy were moving and not me. As if I had been displaced - my body and my ego - and the energy was spitzing - a new word I used yesterday in connection with what champagne does. Like an electric live wire, jumping all by itself because there was too much charge in it. But, again as in the early days when kundalini awoke, it was not like insomnia but rather as if I were the energy itself. I am energy, my energy is more than me, externally, and my external me has been displaced. I am energy, high octane energy and it is coming alive as I allow it. It lives! Wild and abandoned and charged with the super powers of the universe, the Godhood, the heart of the sun, but the human Nancy, the conditioned Nancy has cut down the power over the years, and now she is letting it come back to life.
 
I have (though reluctantly!) been working again for Bob. I mean on HIGH gear! When I get into high gear, I race beyond the speed limit. But it seems that this is essential for me to rid myself of conditions that hold me back. I have temper tantrums, I get mad, I am angry at the world, at others, at myself, at conditions, and I rant and rave and yesterday I did just that - at Bob! Poor Bob. Over the years he has had to listen to me - but then, I have had to listen to him so we’re even. But even while I had the temper outburst, I did not feel bad. In fact, I felt good! Marvelous, in fact. As though it were a cleansing process. Getting the junk off of me, and then - THEN - I worked at smooth high speed. Like the engine of a car that’s been sitting too long sputs and stalls and chugs until you get her out onto the highway and floor the pedal, throw off all the carbon and whatever else gets clogged in there. I get clogged. I really, really do. There is a part of me that does not want to work. Does not want to gear into the world. I do not like to have to keep moving! This must be some heavy conditioning. Even my mother had a hard time getting me to do chores. I was lazy! Still am. Except when I gear in, I work like there’s no tomorrow. As now.
 
The other thing - for the record - is strange. Back in 1976 when kundalini struck, I made a decision to channel the energy to Bob and that’s when Bona was born, as if the energy needed a place to go and it went into Bona. It boomed. On several occasions since that time I have noticed the effect of my focus on an otherwise stagnant thing - it blooms!
Now I see the same thing happening. After having been here in Florida for a month and a half, I suddenly turn my focus to the business (no meditations at all) and work like a demon. And suddenly Bob got a man who called. He’s sending in $48,000. Another on the next day is sending in $100,000. And another the same day, he’s opening a new account and where should he send the money? And another called and wants information. And another came into Tampa airport to pick Bob’s brain and is going to buy a corporation (he flew back out again after two, three, no four hours of conversation.
 
I feel that, not me but this strange, wonderful, ebullient, powerful, all-knowing, fantastic, not-to-be-believed presence that is somehow IN me, not anywhere else but INSIDE OF ME - I can feel it - this power is so outstanding, that I cannot say enough. It is not my ego. It is definitely a POWER. A power that looms, that is felt, that expands and touches things and when it touches, it changes things. It is THIS that I am to write about. This power is almost touchable to me. I feel its presence. I feel its motion when it moves. I feel its voice, and I feel its passion. It is integrated with my own body or bodies I should say, for it is linked up to my emotions, my mind, my physical - especially my physical - and my etheric bodies. All levels of awareness are touched by it. And it is so gentle! So wise! So fatherly! So good! It is a friend in the purest, truest sense, and it is coming closer. I have ignored it and it has not left me. I have pretended that it was “nothing” and it still waits in all its glory, and touches me with its golden presence in vision form - and so I must write. I must give it recognition and Bob has agreed to help me put out a newsletter. So already we begin. We will try to buy mailing lists. Got to go make breakfast. It’s swinging seminar today! Lovely people, lovely time, all trying to come out of themselves, to be something bigger.


6/17/84 - The crystal one within

We had a party last night. The seminar flopped so we created a spontaneous party. Very nice. Today Rhoda and Tom come over at 2:30 so I only have a few minutes to type. But I saw something last night as I so often do, and all through the night and into the waking moments this thing that I saw has developed and stayed with me. It is an enhancement of what I have been trying to dig my fingers into and define into solidarity.
 
The crystal that is within the pelvic region is the subject matter. Forgive me for bringing this sacred subject down to earth but it is a must. The crystal. The crystal is not really a crystal at all. That is merely my name for it because it resembles such lucidity, such clarity [like a crystal ball] that it is best described as a crystal. From the outside looking at it, this THING looks clearer than its surroundings - as though it were a window into another dimension. There is an aliveness to it and a sense of timelessness to it and a feeling of power to it, that has no resemblance to anything I know in the mundane world. Nothing to compare it to. It is like looking into another world, another form of life. Now that is a physical description of it from OUTSIDE. Now, let me describe its QUALITIES, for this I sense from a closer range, subjectively, as being more in touch with it. 
 
Although still not inside of it, I am analyzing this THING. First from the mental observation, now from the emotional observation. There is a pressure within the crystal aura to expand. An urge. This is first and foremost that I sense. It is powerful. And the power is backed up by the sea from which it comes. This I know to be true, and I also can sense it. There is a pressure to expand outward, into the body and life of the person who contains it. It is vibrating at a low key normally in most people. It is a potential only. It is dormant. It is sleeping. It is yet, still, powerful. It is not REALLY sleeping. It is very much alert and awake. In fact it watches for opportunities to expand. As soon as an opening is allowed in the defense system, it surges forth without mercy and without conscience for human affairs. It desires greatly to come out. It is, I imagine, the urge of the soul. That part of a person that wants to live free and be free. It is that part that says, “I want to be free.” It is the REAL person. Me. I. I am suppressed now and I want to be free. I have seen this, as I have said in my articles, and I know that this is the real person.
 
Now, whether one should or shouldn’t allow this part (sex) to be free is the biggest question of all, for the churches and religious authorities say, “No! You must suppress this part of you.” I say, “Nonsense, this is the part that wants to be free.” This is the feminine Godhead – that portion of the Godhead which has been placed, virtually planted on Earth within the human body just as a seed is planted in the soil - there to await the germination process to see what kind of crop may be harvested. There will come a time when the crop WILL be harvested, but we will not concern ourselves for the moment with THAT concept because it is astronomical. We are more concerned with human affairs.
 
The light has been planted within the human body, and is the seed that waits for germination so that it may begin to unfold the God potentials within that body. That means the third eye will begin to open and the person will become known for possessing clairvoyant capacities. He or she will become courageous and strong. There will be no lying or cheating or compromising any longer, but will rather display a noble character – a rare quality in the average neighborhood and so will stand out. He or she will become healthy and able to heal people, but this will happen naturally. He or she will not make a big thing over a so-called miraculous curing, but rather bodies and spirits will “pick up” as that person passes by.  No claims for honor will be made for there is work to be done. The work is the sweeping up and cleaning and purifying everywhere he or she goes. There is a lot of muck to clear away, simply by walking through it. For everywhere he or she goes will go a repelling action to all that is not clear, not virtuous, not in harmony with that crystal action which is now looming upward and outward and into the very atmosphere directly next to the skin. The desire of the crystal purity is to expand until it at last reaches the Godhead itself which is the unbroken sea. And so it will expand and expand and expand, and so long as the individual agrees to go along with its urges to expand, and do the things IT wants to do instead of the human pettiness that most people want to engage themselves in, then the individual will ALSO expand. It is strictly up to the individual whether or not he or she allows himself or herself to expand along with this urge that is in them.
 
The church authorities teach us to put down expansive urges, calling them “pride” and “ego”, but look again - this time with wisdom. There are elements that are indeed destructive to the life, but anything that comes from the crystal purity is constructive. It is of God. It is a piece of God. It is the REAL human being. It is the soul of the human and heart of the human and the conscience of the human, and the urge behind the human to be free. It is feminine. In both man and woman. We have, however, become so removed from this pure nature that is really us, that it seems like a foreign element.
 
This is the element I am to speak about. It is an ELEMENT from the kingdom of the light – the next dimension beyond the physical. It is a pressure in this world and one that we should wake up to and realize and know. The first advice is to begin to follow the urges that well up from within, but not before gathering together all of your faculties of wisdom and understanding, for you do not want to make a mistake and hurt someone, or follow the urges that come from someone else close by, for these you feel, too, all too often. So the urge to follow is the one that will free you up, not bind you to old traditions. What is it that will let you be YOU? If it hurts another person (other than in his ego) then it is not constructive. Often you will inadvertently hurt a spouse in their pride if you have submitted to his possessive nature for ten or twenty years and SUDDENLY you say to him “I will not longer follow you.” But this kind of hurt is a good one – for him and for you. That is not the kind of hurt I am talking about. But be beware of the hurt that you might inflict because you have an urge to strike out at someone. That, the Godhead will never ever tell you to do. If you hear a voice telling you to strike, then you hear the voice of a fellow man.
 
The looming up of the urge (crystal) is like a ballooning thing. During the swinging activities the balloons expand and seek release through orgasm, sexual connections. This is one of the ways (sometimes the ONLY way) that inner urges can be released. Sexual release is a life saver, a definite healthy therapy to the normal frustrations of holding the inner urges back.
 
The need for variety as in swinging, is also normal because you cannot give and take the same life force back and forth, feeding off of the same life force as is coming from the spouse, forever. That is like feeding off of your own frustrations forever, except now you have expanded and are feeding off that of your spouse. So, the natural next step is to find others and feed off of a variety of other life forces – and this is not bad. It at least gives some change in the spark, new ideas will come through, new motives, new urges, new force to the urge. The interchange of mental content and emotional content all takes place during sexual release.
 
Sexual release (I have seen this more than a dozen times with the inner eye) is the actual touching of the crystal God-mind of one person with the crystal God-mind of another, so that purity is exchanged. Spark is exchanged. It is not bad. Not bad at all. I condone it and advise it for all people. But know what is happening. Do not make the mistake to believe that this is the end. This is merely a swapping of ideas with someone outside of yourself. The ultimate goal is to swap ideas and blend with someone INSIDE of  yourself – namely the crystal one. She is a very real presence. A very real person. A very different person than you. You are an artificial person, as I am. We must be artificial in order to live in this world, for we must live according to the rules of this world. If we were to live by the rules of the crystal one within (called the Christ) we would be crucified. Perhaps not physically, but in some unfortunate manner, because the world cannot accept the crystal purity of God living in flesh. The world’s concept of God is waaaay out there beyond what is acceptable. So if anyone should come along and reveal that God is living in flesh, it would rile up the wrongness, the fallacy, the guilt to such an extent in people that they would turn and strike. But, there is promise. We are heading towards a more enlightened world than we were one or two centuries ago. The whole system is coming closer to merging with the Godhead. It is not quite there yet so we must put on the cloak of deity humbly and discreetly and with much wisdom so that we do not frighten the natives.


10/7/84 - They call you kundalini but you are not! You are my mother!

I am in love with the force! Words bubble up into my mind unbidden. They call you kundalini, but you are not. You are my mother. You are the tender wisdom of my mother. You are the selfless giving of my mother. You are the mercy and the love. You are the passive power from above that needs no honor given, nor response to continue giving of yourself. You are pure femininity within myself. You are the burning flame of passion for dignity, honor, freedom, love for all of the virtues of the ideal human - these are your desires for me, your child. You are the One in waiting. Waiting for me, waiting for Him. You are the passive one, the one who loves all mankind alike, tender, good, true and compassionate. Passive power, passive love, burning in place, waiting, yielding to the first touch of Him who comes down to you from above. He is my father who comes to you, my mother. And I watch and listen within myself for the first signs of his footsteps, and when I hear I cry aloud in joy for soon I will bathe in the overflow of your matrimonial bed. I, your daughter, offspring of your love, live only for this, for this most holy of all unions, the mating of my father with my mother, for I am the beneficiary, the babe, the receiver of those blessed waters glowing with peace that bubbles freely from your joining.
 
Now, I hear my Father approaching. He with the mighty sword of action sheathed at his side for he is done with his day's work. I hear his presence in the corridors of my heart as he passes through my throne room. He who must mete out justice must wipe often the edge of his sword to clean the blood from its shiny blade, for the hacking of the weeds, the killing of the enemy, the laying waste of all who encroach upon this, his holy territory, and lays filth upon the crystal shining one who is my mother. He is the Mighty One who is ever alert to protect thee, my mother, and me, his daughter, his holy family. It is us whom he does protect in his great strength. And I see how thou doest love him!  Oh, yes, I can see from my couch through the window of my soul, I can see. I see how thine arms tremble, thy heart pulses grandly, in anticipation of his Presence. How proud thou art of Him who dost clear the path of debris for thy joining, and for me, the tender one of your union. I, who art at the center of this bliss depend upon your healthy love for I must walk through the hallways of time amidst the forces of others.
 
I close my eyes and listen to the rippling of the living crystal essence that is close, never so close, never so real and never so true as now. Now! The work I have been doing that I thought would fulfill me I see is no longer my work. It is not in the writing, not in the business, not in the creation of a newsletter, not in healing, not in the outer world at all. Because it is not an outer quest that calls me, but an inner one that seeks to comfort my mind. And so I turn now to attend on thee within. I worship thee, my Lord, within. Thou art that holy spirit of mine that sparks my heart, my mind, my will. Thou art Me!  Thou art truly divine. Thou art the crystal holy spirit, the river that flows from out of the heart of God. Thou art my patron, my father, now joining with my mother, my soul. Thou art all to me and into thee I flow, giving, yielding, surrendering my will. For it is Thy will that must live, not mine. Take me by the hand and lead me into the calm of Thy presence, teach me how to worship, how to reflect on thee, my holy self. Teach me respect, wisdom, truth. Teach me love, peace and crystal virtue. Teach me as you would be taught by your God - your pristine God, I AM!
 

11/24/84 - Light-filled revelations

If you need to TRY, then it is wrong. It is not time to do it, for all good and proper things fall into place easily. Wait. Step back, make room for circumstance and bend the knee as it draws near. Never have I seen this truth in so immaculate a way as I did this morning while coming out of sleep. I did not SEE it so much as I experienced it for I seemed to be a part of the wide open space of conscious beauty and light. It seemed to flow physically in and around each and every cell in my body so as to bathe me in a wondrous sensation, not unlike the afterglow of orgasm. Wideness encompassed me, sweetness enveloped me, rhythm sang through me. And the Light! Again, as in other times, there were radiant pastel colors of light, colors of such refinement that I could barely discern the separation, as if they were one color, yet each was individually represented, and angels seemed to sing to the glory of this wholeness, this oneness. 

I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that nature exists in great harmony all over the earth and the heavens and the universe, in CONSCIOUS awareness of all that is going on, from the lowest to the highest, and that this conscious intelligence ties it all together in such a way that no one portion of life can move without the rest heaving under the influence of the action. And so the ideas that filter down to us from the grand mind behind it all, flow naturally downward and outward into manifestation, as a mountain stream falls under the influence of gravity when there are no obstructions. So the life of each man, each woman, each child falls outward into flower through circumstances beyond our control, blessed by the kiss of love. There is only one way to go and all urges motivate to move in that direction.
 
The light-filled revelation was so extraordinarily reasonable and connected, so soothing to my mind, that I was unprepared for the stricture that followed. For suddenly as I passed out of this immaculate state on my long journey to wakefulness, I passed through a hard place – a region in which undue pressure existed, and force was exerted upon this lovely stream of consciousness which was me. A force, manmade in its infinite “wisdom”, rushed to capture the heavenly spark but instead crushed the beauty and interrupted the flow that was nigh to flowering and instead of capturing it, drove it away. It is a shame when we do not wait for the grand scheme to blossom within us where we are, but pluck the bud from the tree before it is ripe, for these create the toxins of the world. With a little wiser instruction, we would prepare ourselves for peace and wait for maturity, for the easy flowing, the fragrant blossoming and the miracle flowering of the fruit within, and cease to press for action. If we would so so, there would be no room for error.
 
I saw then, as my mind contracted, swiftly as from a threshold looking back, how this marvelous sea of consciousness, myself a small but willing part, ebbs and flows continually through the hearts and minds of mankind everywhere, to feel the psychological hurts and the material needs of those it passes through, from one end of the universe to the other, and how it constantly redistributes the factors to lead one man here, a woman there, to open the floodgates of expansion. I saw that it is the greatest benefactor of my happiness, even more so than myself, whereas I am one and It is all, so all of my needs are provided – emotional, psychological, mental, physical and spiritual. I saw in the darkening sky of mind, a hint of the master plan, although this was fuzzy, that requires the togetherness of all of us and I saw us, each one, reaching out to try to touch each other, each in our own peculiar, odd way, to feel what the other is thinking, feeling, wanting, and that this too was part of the natural upward swing into wider consciousness.
 
Revelation after revelation kept squeezing into my consciousness as my eyes opened to the blue bedroom in which Bob and I sleep every night, and I saw, reflected in pale blue cotton sheets, that we are on the brink of realizing our spiritual heritage. We do not know that we are gods now, but soon, sooner than we know, some, even now in fact, as they read these words, are waking up, some in their silence even fully awake and aware of their brotherhood, their sisterhood to strangers and ones unseen, unknown. There is only one mind and that one mind, supreme over all, pumps through my brain. In fact my consciousness is ITS consciousness. My mind is ITS mind, a fiery mind, trying to wake up in flesh and blood. My hands are ITS hands, sparkling dynamic hands, visible only to my inner eye, clothed in clay trying to move inert matter. My feet are ITS feet light-filled with mercury fire attempting to walk in flesh and feel the moist grasses of the earth. And so it is with every other man and woman and their little ones who still retain the memory of their kingly state.
 
And so I conclude that there is nothing I can do to bring about a better world but not interfere with natural evolution and allow it to enter my world and defend its right – my right – to be. And so I bend and flow to natural circumstance, and embrace everything that comes to me with an embrace of love and acceptance so that none can escape my good wishes, and everything that touches me, leaves me with nobleness and the ring of higher things.
 
 
2/24/85 - Asking questions of my Higher Self
 
We are at a conference in the Hyatt Hotel, Orlando, FL. After a really good inner movement session outdoors for about an hour, and a deep sleep in the shade afterwards, I awoke with the urge to write. I dug out my pad of paper and pen from my briefcase nearby and moved to a lounge chair in a spot where the sun shone through the trees. I settled down feeling lofty and dreamy. My mind was blank and peaceful and I did not want to disturb it by forming forceful thoughts so I put a question almost dreamily on paper, after which the words came easily to my mind and slid down my arm and out the tip of my pen.
 
Question: Oh, Lord of Light, I am ready to receive. Where would you have me begin? My brother, my sister, I am thorough in my purpose. I propose to you that you start by meditating on me every hour for fifteen minutes at a time. This will lead you to me. I will then instruct you in the purposes of the light of God. You may practice and you may try to reach me at any moment in your life. I am here always. Never do I leave the world alone. I am yours to serve as you are mine. But I am faithful, you are not. Begin then. Come to me. Every hour on the hour and let us make plans together. 

We are one in Cause, one in purpose, one in God. I am truly yours. I am forever faithful to the Cause. Begin then to receive the spark of my love that you may pass it on to those in need. To those you feed you will draw to me, to Him who always cares. I am forever here. Forever shining in the stars of your own Earth, your planet’s waves of throes and heavals vast and wide. I hold the balance to the outer limits and beyond. Forever night and day. You see my face, you see my feet in all you ever meet. My toes are there upon the Earth, upon the waves, the mountains pure, the valleys sure, the inner heart, the outer part, I am, I am, I am, never more to leave.
 
The trees are good and safe for you. Come out and bask beneath their limbs, breathe their fragrance every day. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe all about the Earth and you will sweep it clean of karma old and dead. It’s simple, yes you know it is. It’s almost gone from you. And as you lift your eyes above the lower forces swirling round, you leap into the world of love, of finest purest kind. From here you breathe the breath of life to cast out spells forever. The mystery of creeds and yokes are flung aside forever. The radiance of reality is here and now and tested by the warriors of the Lord and never shall be bested by the lords of outer war - they cannot ride the waves of this the might armor bright swelling like a wave from out the Sun of Holy Thought, innocence protected, pure and sweet and fragrant to the sense of the pure, the living garden spot of faith, the well-spring of the latent power of the Sons and Daughters of the Highest, Holy Cloud of peace and light, enter in forever.
 
I am light, shining bright, Father Mother God of Right
Choices leave like a breeze when’er I burst upon the scene
Emerging from within without, casting perfect love about
 
(I got caught up in a rather exquisite poem here and inserted my own thoughts and got bogged down so I threw it out. But the message was clear to me - It had to do with the fact that when we give ourselves up to the Light all forms of burden leave. There is such a vacuum of trouble, that there is not even left the human problem of making choices, for everything is taken care of in a cloud of great peace. Everything. THIS was so impossible to state in human terms that it came through as rhythm.)
 
Q: I am sorry for the interruption. Please tell me some more. The moon, the stars are in the sky, you on Earth are in my eye. I project you outwardly to shine upon all you see. The rays you represent are glistening, clean, as a raindrop in the air preens in the sunlight sharp and clear, and moves on top of the atmosphere. Open your mind to me, dear one, I will show you the way to the Sun. Do you know how well you perceive me now? I am sitting here with you in your chair. I am your hand, your nervous system, too. I am spreading outward into view. Adjust your vision, open your eyes, look up and outward into the skies. Quietly, soothingly find your space, ask for and you will receive my grace. Finally, tell me your deepest fears, write them down through your veil of tears. Never expect the world outside to comprehend the inner side. This is too subtle for it to enjoy. The hour is passing - come in to me now.
 
(I had been sitting on a lounge chair outside in the courtyard away from the other people. I went inside the room and sat in a chair at the little round table and opened the glass door to let some air in. I wrote my question:)
 
Q: Dear Lord of Light, I feel your presence. What would you have me do? Quality unlike lethargy, is fast and moving. I would have you move about more quickly. When you have gained some speed in your actions, I will come through easier. I will slide down the tube of your extended thought slippery as the rainbow gliding down the curve of the Earth. There is much to do and much to say. You will be able to carry your thought, my thought, more firmly when you are active. Groom yourself, not for meditation but for action. (I thought, “Helping Bob?”) Yes, perform Bob’s work for him. He needs you. He, too, is working for me so as you work for him you work for me. There is no separation from where I sit. I see the whole. You and Bob are both creating an excellent avenue for me to work through.

(I thought, “Through sex?”) (Pause) The word sex does not have meaning for me. It is merely a connection with other bodies. As I have told you, the outer world is of no concern to me, nor to the work as it is existing in light. You see, the outer world is a dry, cakey substance, unable to carry the subtler refinements. You have prepared your mind and soul above and beyond the outer manifestation, so your body and what it does is not relevant to the inner cause. Continue your life actions, do not separate out or change what you are doing. Perform your functions as they arise and do not impose limitations on yourself. Become unlimited by any thought, moral or otherwise. Continue your housework, continue your writing, continue talking with Bob. He is opening doors which you in your dry, cakey, outer body, cannot see. His doors are, like yours, open to higher images, higher and more subtle thoughts. What you must do to remain close in outer manifestation, do quickly and without anger. Do not spend so much time on it. I will guide you, help you, move you, antagonize you so that you help me. I want you to help me. I love you, as all of life. I am a manifestation of that love. All that is important to me is love - and peace which results from loving uninhibited. That is the peace that passes all earthly understanding. It is a love that is known only to those who renounce the world in the sense that they transcend the world.
 
When you do not care any longer whether this or that is done, or this or that sees you, you own this or that, when all that occurs occurs without emotion rippling across your subtler bodies then you are indeed a renunciate, no matter where you live. I have many renunciates scattered throughout the world. They do not necessarily live in ashrams or holy orders. They are, by far, more useful to me if they live in the world among the unenlightened. As you noticed and caught my hint, when you breathe outwardly as you walk among the natives, you cleanse their atmosphere, for it is MY breath you are exhaling, my fragrance you are distributing, my knowledge, and it is working even now in the courtyard which you just left. I am the follower, in turn, of one mightier in power and purity, knowledge and perception, and so the lineage grows upward like a tree of life, a tree of light whose limbs extend downward and upward and whose central channel is One, allowing the flow of life to extend deep into the hearts of darkness and to perform awakenings of memory, memories long forgotten and closed. Now I detect some questions
 
Q: Are you really a conscious being, near me now, conscious of me? Really me as an individual? I have a hard time thinking that. (Laughter, hard shaking movements, peels of happiness rippled through me at this so that I had to lay down my pen and feel that indeed another entity were enjoying something right here inside of me to which I was not privy.  But I insisted on knowing and continued.....)  

But how, if you’re aware of the universe? In my outer conscious I forget, am not reminded so I don’t think you are there. Please fill me in! (Long pause. I could feel thinking processes going on. Finally....)  I AM you! I laugh out of ecstasy! You do not need to understand. You need merely to live. Allow me to live in you. The love you profess for me, is my own love for myself. You and I are One Person. We are never separated. The only separation that ever occurs is when you doubt. When you shut off. When you refuse your very own life, feelings, perceptions, your candor, your frankness, your toughness, your reality. When you do not follow the impulses that throb and probe and rush through your mind, when you forsake these in favor, out of “niceness”, of those others who live around you - THIS is separation from Me. From Yourself. From God and the Universe which is the wellspring of all action.
 
Try! Try to understand - I am you. When you grow lethargic, your body sleeps and the real you, the real me is left out, imprisoned, locked out, locked away from your consciousness in the physical manifestation called “body”. Sleep and sleep a healthy sleep. Then when you awake you are alive in the physical world once more. The real you, the real me is EVER active and your body must be awake and healthy for your outer mind to perceive this aliveness. So long as you have a physical body, you must needs tend it, maintain it in a healthy manner with healthy habits so that you can bring this aliveness to the surface. So you can see for yourself just how alive your real self is. Prove it for yourself. And you will be doing all that you are destined to do. The healing work is never done so long as there is a physical abode. For the physical world is a sickness in itself. It is a crust, a hardening of the arteries of God.
 
We in our domain can see with great sadness how deeply entrenched is this sickness. But we do not linger on the thought of the sickness. Rather, we look to the food, absorb the faculties, the qualities that are ever beyond. Look up, not down. Look to the sun. Look, at night, to the moon and the stars. Draw your strength, your vision, your hope, your life blood, from those above you, by no matter what name. You have been blessed with the implanting of a vision. Hence, you know where to look, but there are many, many others who have not the slightest idea where to look.  Their vision has dimmed and dried and faded and so they have lost the hope. Where there is no hope the only avenue is outward to others like themselves. They compete and measure their actions, it is the only way that they know.
 
And so, the need for healing. The need for putting these truths on paper and here a thought you had a few minutes ago: Yes, your mind must be blank. Don’t try to change my words. This form of writing should remain pure. When you sit down to compose your book, your articles, then you may change and re-arrange. That is a form of writing which we need also, it is adapted to conform to your outer world. And so it is true and good, but translated so to speak for others less enlightened with the inner vision. This form of writing (or speaking should the occasion arise) is given direct. Don’t change it.
 
Q: What about the tapes I want to do and the Summit Lighthouse teachings. May I, should I, translate them to ordinary outer world? There will come a time for you to busy yourself with this project. It is a good one. The time is not here for this. You have more immediate concerns. (What? I thought.) Bob’s book is an important book. Sustain him. Breathe! Be! Care! Help him! I am here, too. (What about my book? I thought.) Here, too, the time will come. Do not hurry into this. I would prefer that you help Bob right now. You have asked for him to stay and it has been granted although the time had come for him to leave you. Now that he is staying nearby, with love, with confusions as many as he has, we have decided to use him. Now he is doing the service that should have been done initially when the Earth was first formed. The tender regards that you have given him have opened him to serve in a way he could not have served before. Allow him to join the order of Light and he will turn and help you.
 

1/23/86 - Messages from my higher self 

[This is a question and answer session. After three weeks of hectic living in Costa Rica, I did a half hour of meditation and asked my Higher Self the question "Dear Lord of Light, am I OK? What would you have me do?} 

Wonder full sister I am you. Continue as you were. Find your space, accept my grace for I give it unto you. Feelings rare, power fair, generations come and gone do not release the fair increase of wonder in their souls. Do you have questions dear one, or do you wish the solitude of my love?

(Me: I am sitting here, at first put out at having to move, but now feeling the radiation spreading throughout my body. It is growing increasingly stronger by the second. How I do love you and my/our connection! Please speak to me about the radiation I feel!?

Ten thousand souls would stand before my gaze and only one would sense what you are feeling now. The tender melting of hardness is the tendering of hardness - the crust that you permit to be built around you. Each cell, each particle of space that you affect is affected by your thought. Your immediate body is first to feel the crust of coagulated thought for you live within the spaces betwixt the center and the orbiting electrons. You are the Creator of their worlds and your benediction soothes their vibrating bodies, your anger churns them into a vibrating mass of shock-filled wanting mass. Can you understand? Can you place yourself with me into this inner world that you carry around with you as you move? (Yes I can understand)
 
When you take your place in the sun as you did a while ago, you turned those tiny worlds over to me. As I stepped through the veil of your focus, I stepped in with the power of love in my hands and in my heart, I stepped in to bring you peace. The radiation that you feel just now is my loving uninhibited by your actions and thought. I would give you this more often but you would have it not. (Why?)
 
For months I have been prompting you with the proper way to go, your patterned past is still at work stopping much of the flow. Keep pressing on, do not give up, press the hardness out with love, tenderness is God’s own grace descending like a dove. Soft and sweet and easy, beautiful to behold, the gracious gift is the gift that is given without a thought to hold. Freedom is the facing of the sun, the acceptance of goodness and purity. Those who cannot accept that which is good in their lives are not free. Are trapped in the maze of a finite world. You want to ask me about the wonder that you and I shared, you saw only a glimpse of our love upon awaking this morning. There is more to come. Open your mind dear one, I am having a hard time coming through. Yes, that is better.
 
Now, I am here with you at all times but you do not sense me because you are focusing on your outer world tasks. Do not misunderstand what I told you: to continue with your work. I do not mean for you to concentrate so hard! Let your vision lift to a higher plane as you work. Your thoughts are becoming too focused, too narrow, like a microscope focusing on a plate beneath its powerful gaze. Your world is one world - all that is in it is affected by your focus or by your freedom, by whichever thought and intensity that you assume. Would you not like to free your world? Yourself and your associates? Then free your mind from a too intense focus on one thing, one job. A job to do is but a minor act to perform in the maintenance of the whole. Your friends, your husband, your sons, your group, your very own grass and flowers and plants - these too must be cared for, not brushed aside for your work at your desk. Please - balance your focus, balance your vision, soothe your vibrating flesh. I cannot enter a place, a space that has become jagged with cross-currents of energy. Re-align your energies that you may feel whole again.
 
My beloved, my peace is hard to receive in your physical plane. All is against it. Those who have been able to receive me, have removed themselves from exposure to the world’s influence. Yet, your world is against such removal and thus there are few who even try to find me. I am walking the cities streets with you. I am walking the isles of the offices, the investment houses, the stores and the many places of business. I am present in EVERY home - none escapes my presence, my longing, my love - and yet who hears my voice? How many stop and lift their vision to seek the peace I hold out to them in the palms - both palms of my hand? Can you not feel my devotion? My love I yearn to give so you?
 
I do not ask you to give up all that you have worked for in this world of yours. I ask only that you give a nod of recognition as you pass, a quick raising of your mind to look up to find me before you continue on your frenetic pace. For so long as you remember that I am there I can reach you with my gladness and pass it on to you. It takes but a thought - a dart of love in my direction, for you to receive a thousand-fold of joy in return. I would fill your heart with renewed hope if you would remember me.
 
Change your goals, my friend. Make your goal one of the attributes, such as the permanent fixture of love in your heart, rather than the accomplishing of a task. To get the job done through all sacrifice, by any means, is not the way to perfect peace but to dissatisfaction. The separation from me is a beginning of more separation to follow. The gap between you and I grows further and deeper as long as you continue in this direction.
 
Prepare yourself for beautiful experience - approach all you do with an eye to finer return, not poorer. Glean from your tasks all of the goodness that you can. Remove all thoughts of malice and resentment, no matter what the task, and you will be preparing a place for me for I yearn to come - to be at one with you.
 
Open your heart, dear one, to find me. I am here. I am come as I have always been, to greet you into the heavens of your own being. The majesty and nobility, the courage and the frankness of heroes which you seek in story book form - all of these are yours to have and to assume as a royal mantel tossed over your shoulders upon arrival in this hallowed hall.
 
Ancient lines of royalty - the aristocracy of kings upon your world is but a shadowed remnant of a glory that belongs to the sons and daughters of every faith. The royalty today is but a facade, empty and forlorn within, yet the royalty of a heart in love is found in the shining aura of every man, woman and child who roams the cities and the countryside of every nation on your globe which turns in peaceful orbit, hung suspended in the skies of God’s own world which none but He may see. And when the heart is lightened from within the covered breast, no man on earth can hide the glow that speeds its way to rest within the ranks of the holy ones who watch and note the hour of this the smallest spark of Life that trembles in the power of Holy innocence - purity of God - for love no matter what its aim is love in its finest form.
 
My dear one, I see the glow within your own small breast. Tiny form so focused on the task upon your desk - yet the spark of utter love is speeding even now to find its mark within the dark to send its message home!

(Me:) I am sorry for the interruption. Thank you for your words. Yes, you spark so much love in me. I hear you and respond. Please tell me - you answered the first question I had prepared: Why do I have to go through such frenetic cycles without respite? Am I following your wishes when these times happen? Or am I creating these cycles myself? Am I paying off karma? The work has to be done! Can you enlightenme so I understand?
  
"Quality, unlike lethargy, is fast and moving. When you move about more quickly I will come through faster and easier." These were the words which struck closest to home. You have chosen to use these words as your motivating force to accomplish the tasks at hand. Now, let us move on to the second part of the lesson, for you have learned well. You have done what I have told you to do. Now, let us refine your focus of keeping on keeping on. This, as you have felt in your recent cycle of frenetic action, brings a certain amount of satisfaction of goals accomplished. Satisfaction is a sign that you are doing what is right for you. There is a quickening of the soul that takes place when you continue in the face of hardship. It is the polishing of the gem, the burnishing in the fire. All of life however is not to be concluded in the fire of hardship. There are higher, more advanced stages awaiting you. The lower grades must first be taken and covered well, else you must return and repeat the same lesson.
 
What you are now facing ahead of you is the refinement of ceaseless movement. As Emerson has told you, “Let your feet run, but not your mind.” You have practiced keeping your body in motion, throwing off an inherent lethargy within your genes, and now you must learn to let your legs and arms move at this more rapid pace, yet while your mind remains at peace. Quality is a finesse and a jewel of finest essence. No matter in what form such quality appears. Within the heart of quality is great confidence and love of self which cannot be shaken by outer conditions. Quality is now your goal. Achieve fast moving action with a peaceful and stable mind, open at all times to me, and you will begin to enjoy your life work in greater capacity than ever before.
 
You are evolving your body to faster momentum and your mind to slower momentum. When they merge, a spark will ignite to fuse the two and you will never more experience the pain of separation from me. Then it is that you will be able to carry your infinity, your immortality into physical manifestation. That which you glimpsed upon awakening this morning is your own high estate. It is the estate that we have builded together. It is yours and all that is within it. Your own spacious mountains and valleys upon the Earth are but shadows - silhouettes - against the light compared to this light-endowed terrain which cannot be seen with human eyes.
 
Yes, this is yours and no man or woman can enter lest he or she first remove the shoes from off their feet, the human garments from off their backs, for they must stand naked in the sun where every flaw is seen to be whole once more. The gallantry of the higher ones are waiting to show you the many qualities and colors that are implicit and inherent in your makeup. Each one is a teacher of another color, another view. No two views are alike, hence the infinite boundaries, no space, yet all space. Your thought is the magic carpet to carry you into this inner retreat where love is royalty and there is no room for any other.


9/17/86 - The inner eye opens and closes

[My mind fluctuates like an eye opening and closing. Sometimes I am an ordinary human being – a condition I would not know except by the contrast. And then how can I describe this most wonderful change that comes over me or through me? It is like a cloud of crystal, a moving mist of reality which is a strange term to use because “cloud” and “mist” denotes something that blocks out vision. This cloud does not block out vision. It alters it so that when the moving mist of reality comes over me I am no longer confined to the mortal condition, which again, I hasten to explain I would not know I was confined except by comparison of the other. So my mind opens and closes like an eye. Could this be what is called the “third eye”? If so, I am impressed! I would have believed differently and less dramatic. Why do I write? I am urged to write about my experiences, no other. The following channeled through me as I wrote.] 

It is your ultimate task to impress upon your surroundings ALL that you are, leaving no portion hidden. The synchronization of a soul with the planet upon which it grows and evolves is a natural command of Life and all obey the urge by expressing. Expression outward into the physical is demanded. The entire system of life awaits your coming out. The Light that fluctuates in your mind is the Real You – the star that shines already in the galaxy of God, yet it has been put on hold in your world. It has been prevented from shining upon your Earth. Thus the urge to express all thought, all feeling, all movement in the soul must be reported to the very landscape itself if there be no ears to listen of the human kind, for the messages will not be vocalized in vain. The creatures crawling in the underbrush will hear the tone of light vibration, and thru tusk hair and bone will register the higher note.
 
Be glad,  oh ye brethren of mine! For I have come to give you news – glad and joyous news from the Homeland from which we all have sprung! Be joyous, and be happy for Earth is not sleeping but strives and struggles to lift off the lethargy from her beauteous face which shines clear and tinkles like a bell in the whispering mountain air – on high, oh so high in the retreats of heaven’s mansions. She, the Mother upon which we are evolving, is a princess of the Light, conscious of her royal status under the banner of the majestic family – and yet she is not recognized as such by the little ones crawling upon her breast. Oh hear ye! My beloved brothers and sisters! Give praise and thanksgiving to the Mother upon which you move and crawl about and poke for food. She watches you. She loves you. She is the feminine half of our father, God, who lives beyond the reaches of mortal vision and so he sends the Mother to give of his abundance – his food, his drink, his green and growing things, his deep crystal waters, his fish and legged ones of the forest and winged ones of the air. He gives the plentiful cornucopia for all, for each and everyone through the love offering of the most high - a planet all your own to use as you see fit. The Light of the Father is buried in the very heart of the Mother. The pot of gold hidden ‘neath the soil is but a fantasy legend of Reality, for you are the soil - you who belong to Earth in earth bodies - and within your very Earth cells of air, water and earth nutrients, lives the pantellets of Golden Light floating amidst the debris. Liquid Light, golden coins buried and walked upon because they are not seen, lies awaiting your discovery at the end of that sparkling rainbow of many colors.
 
The rainbow of the fairy tale, my friends, is no story for children but a truth given for the mature ones on your planet who are ready and able to extricate the science of Life from the pages of centuries past. And putting two and two together as the soul is wont to do, Lo! A revelation of great profundity. Do you ever guess at the whys and wherefores of the many colors upon your planet? The most obvious is most often cast aside by the eager one who is searching. The colors represent, my Beloved, the qualities of the Soul. Wherever you look and see a color, look within and see a whole – a hole where physical matter disappears under a moving mist of crystal clear reality. The warmth of love, the power of will, the peace that pierces the veil of understanding – the golden rays of light revelation, freedom’s joy, purity’s innocence, the colors of the rainbow with their many hues of personal note await interpretation by the human mask. But these attributes must be lived, my Beloved, to extract the liquid gold.  The process of extraction is come through the expression into outer form. You must live the truths that you know within you. You ARE innocent within. Then live the innocent without, in the world where others may see and exclaim in awe “The Truth! See the truth of innocence. Now I, too, may live it.” For So long as one has paved the way, so can the next tread the same path, and the next, and the next.
 
Do you understand, my Beloved? I speak to your soul, not your outer mind. I speak to you on levels that the world cannot reach, nor can it pierce the veils that protect the innocent and the Truth – not by force, only those who are willing to drop their attachment to the world may hear my voice if but for a moment. For the fluctuation of the inner eye must open and close upon the world so that in the interval you may take the necessary steps to prepare yourself. The soul’s movement is scanned by the opening and the closing of the inner eye, and we see through as do you when it is open. We see and measure your ability to handle the “moving mist of reality.” Can we send you more?
 
My Beloved, you are doing what many, many others have done in the past. You would find friends on the path who would come so close to you in methodology that you would cry for joy if you were to meet. A long, lost brother, a long lost sister! Another struggling on this very path. They have been here, too! But can you understand? If another were to travel alongside with you, then you would not look inside. The struggle all alone without any other is mandatory in the climb into the Light. The digging and the sifting through the soil of day-to-day activities is the work of the ages undertaken by every soul who has ever ascended, for the pantellets of gold are buried here, my beloved, beneath your feet, closer than hands and feet, yet covered ‘neath a crust of hardened attitude, carelessness and nonchalance. The sacred jewels exist within your home, within your places of business, out on the street and wherever a single human soul determines to exercise his heart, his eye, his will, to cast off the fetters of sloth and ignorance, no matter where this one is, Beloved, even in the pits of hell itself as you term your jails. There, my Beloved, there is where the golden liquid light will surface and the heavens open to spill down the rainbow rays to illuminate the moment. The pot of gold at the end with glory and joy from on-high - to fulfill that ancient story – and the angels will sing in praise of that hidden one, always and forever playing the game of hide and seek with his children, tempting them on, leading them on, pressing them on, ever onward, home to the Light, to his bosom again and again and again.


10/1/86 - Q & A with my Higher Self

I call thee oh my Lord of Light and Love, my greater Self. Tell me please, was it you my higher self who began the swirling of the Light of the chakras in my body this morning? I believe it went a long way to accomplishing the elusive “peace”. I am constantly trying to find it, now that I have experienced it. Was it you? And should I initiate these exercises on my own? I mean, should I do it with my mind? Or should I leave it up to you? To the force beyond my mind? Should I continue to do the swirling as an exercise? I am sorry to harp on this but I am curious about the wonderful feelings that came? And should I begin with the lowest chakra and swirl it? And does it automatically start the next chakra to spinning above it? And once that starts spinning, ignite the next? And the next? Why did it jump from pelvis to heart to throat? Jumping over the solar plexus?
 
"We are always here in your lower regions. Do you not feel the whole? Can you tell where we leave off and you begin? Tell us your deepest fears and we will tell you the answer to your quest. Tell us, come and sit in peace. Do you forget the schedule? Perhaps you are not ready to carry on with the plan. My friend, the magnification of soul journey into conscious eyes is the multiplitude of the whole. Continue as you were. I am ready.
 
Q: Why can I not receive an answer to my question on the chakras? Are you not permitted to say?
 
"Yes, my friend. I am permitted to tell you the truth of your being for you and I are one. But because such time has lapsed since we have attempted to communicate by writing, our channels need clearing. We are not bonded as you put it, well on the physical plane of matter. Your arm and fingers are the channel for automatic writing and thus you must exercise your instruments on a daily basis. The dust accumulates in both nerve channels and cellular tissues to distort the truth of the message coming in. There! That is better. And you can feel the clearing taking place, can you not? Practice my friend, or you will lose the connection with me for this writing purpose.
 
“The connection of my mind to your mind is eternally bonded. There is no danger of losing this connection with me. But this communication takes place from mind to mind and back again, without the need of the physical instrument. It is taking place on higher planes or frequencies, just as the bands of your radio and television are set to conform to higher and lower frequencies.
 
“Now to set the record of our talk to paper, we must have an instrument made clear and free of static to properly record the most subtle and delicate nuances of our conversation. The instrument which is your body, offered to us to use for purposes of the light on earth, must be tuned and kept tuned so that the notes of our sound may register without fail, without distortion. Now we are practicing. You are receiving AND recording, whereas you have been merely receiving all these many months and years. The proper measurement of the truth of what I say is your own inner sense of my voice. You are feeling the clearing of the channels are you not? You have become dusty from disuse. You will clarify your purpose better as you sit each day and write with me, for we both are involved. Both your lower self, focused only on your immediate world which has defined parameters (defined by you, not by us) and is therefore limited, and your higher self which has no parameters but which is connected to the sea of the One Great Self without which you could not live.

"We are, my Beloved, One in truth! One body, loving, laughing, playing, fighting for independence, yearning for dependence, hating the roll-call every morning yet needing to be a part of the whole. The small independent self, versus the large self, dependent and congruently one with all that is. You are coming into understanding of this “All That Is” as you record our communication on paper. By defining our words together in the privacy of our melded hearts, you are delivering the truth of ALL selves to your world so that ALL who read your message will be confirmed and heightened in their private hearts, so that they too will listen more intently to their Greater Selves, One with you and I, yet still private, sacred and alone as you and I shall ever be – yet we shall enlarge our perceptions of the Whole where Love and Joy and Peace and a quickened heart and mind come together and rejoice in the congruency and harmony of it all!
 
“My Beloved, now that you have agreed to sit down and talk to me on paper I can give you further advice, for until you have committed to our destiny together, you were not a proper channel. Your fears took hold and stultified your nervous system thus the confusion and heaviness that you have experienced over the last few weeks. Yes, the flu was present but it was not the flu virus that caused the heaviness, it was merely an effect of your slow deterioration of your world of livingness.
 
“Why you began to withdraw, my beloved, is the curse of mankind, as ALL are affected by this powerful motivation – the motivation that you must constantly be active mentally and physically. That is the curse brought upon each one who removes himself from the father’s embrace, for once removed, shut off from the Whole, then the fires begin to go out. Fading fires must be blown upon, agitated, to keep the burning coals alive. Force is used and the two opposites as they interact in stormy fights and wars keeps the fire alive – it is not allowed to die. Yet there is another way, for when you are part of a Whole that never dies, that is eternal in its making, you may rest within the Arms of this Mighty One – the Father of all Life, indeed the Giver of all blessings and joy.
 
“You need not work! Live! Live by the power of the consciousness within you, and it will carry you like a mighty current flowing to the endless seashore that surrounds and encircles the sea: Infinity. The shores of infinity are endless yet they go round and round and round in the same circle, circling once, circling twice, circling three times, the soul continues to circle because he is under the belief that he must focus on his tasks and keep with all his might the mighty Infinity at bay. Beyond his reach is his Infinity, his endless joy, his profound blessings and the bottomless wellspring of Love that he searches for along the seashore but his nose is too close to the sand and he does not jump into the sea, into the bosom of his Lord and Master – the One who made him and empowered him with Life.
 
“And so I say to you: It is your propensity to put off our communication in favor of completing your worldly tasks that has cost you this time and could well have cost you our connection, for it could have dried up and withered away. Now you are back in the privacy of your own room where you and I are best able to record, and once more you are practicing the bringing forth of the truth of our relationship, that are ALL relationships of ALL people with their own higher selves, to the test. Now, you may ask about the chakras.
 
Q: What DID happen this morning with the swirling of the chakras?
 
“It is but another opening into your higher Self, where physical body gives way to the higher octaves of being. Here the energies of Spirit are constantly active and moving from speed to speed and color to color, whirling here, bending there, radiating, propelling, in-folding, out-pouring. As you have already noted on your new toy, the biofeedback monitor, your energies are ever fluctuating, ever moving, influenced by your thoughts your moods and by your very breathing and heartbeat. You will gain a greater appreciation of the energies of Spirit through the practice of this little machine that fits into one hand.
 
“The swirling of the chakras was a divinely intended plan to cross your boundaries of focus and gear you in to your infinite Self. To overlap the gap, to mend the division and bring wholeness to your being. Do not question your gifts from on high, they need no explanation. Rather, when such wonders sail into view, jump with all your might into the deeper waters of your being and look up, my friend, look up, for wonders are once more shining in the heavens of your physical world and you are standing on the brink of a chasm that will momentarily dip but then, and again, soar upwards to new heights, new summits and new dimensions where your footprint has never been seen before! Wonders of wonders! Lights in the sky are messages from the Infinite fields of your own Inner Being, sparks given off from the contact of self with Self. Fear not, my friend, the confusion. Fear not, the momentary despair. Carry yourself in the memory of Life through the dark places for they will not last. The darkness is but the moat laid around the castle of Home-coming and Light – to keep away the unwanted, made unwanted by their own lack of courage, their own lack of conviction, their own lack of faith in themselves. For if you have the conviction that you are the God of your being, as truly you are, then you may enter the blackest of forests and a Light shall show you the way. The Light that is your own God Self, divinely inspired, divinely moved, divinely connected with no limitations, ever or forever. Amen. I am Truly yours to serve.”
 

10/2/86 - Holiness is abstract until you make your mark on the world

After meditation one hour, I called on Mother Kundalini: "I call unto my higher Self today - Can you, will you teach me? I am open." A strong current issued forth like flames from the palms of my hands.
 
"Call me thou lovely sister and I come. When you indulge me my whim of movement, I am entering into the world of men. To teach the ways of the spirit within. Many worlds enfold within your consciousness to tug and pull upon your mind, but I would show you to the heart where no conflicts are evident – all is at peace. Find time to come with me every day for these extraneous worlds would sway your energies from the center pole to gather speed in their convolutions which are their worlds. The increase of vibrations in your mind that occurs on your waking hour is proof that many planes of thought, each with their own elaborate order and reasoning, are invading your consciousness and overlapping your space in which you move and struggle to find your own peace.
 
"The wonder that is you is an exquisite light, do not give way to the temptation to consider all Life One so soon, my friend. All Life is an actuality in the mind of God, but all Life is created in the myriad of individual Life Streams that are each one unique. Care for your uniqueness. It is given to you to tend exclusive from all others that you see around you. When you come in to Me and give Me your attention over and above the others who pull and call upon you, then you are nurturing your hidden Self – the Holy One within, whom you cannot know til you absorb Him into your Life and Actions.
 
"The abstract theories of thy Holiness are abstract until you call it home to Earth, to pervade the matter realm as you have chosen to do. To continue to make your mark on the world of concreate evidence, you must move in and out, carry the outer inner to me, and the inner outer for all to see. You are mending the tear in creation by so moving, the wound caused by the separation from the Father God – the Whole. Your movements are psychically motivated, moved and induced by the energies of your whole being, which you call the psyche and tend to obstruct the peaceful one at the center. There is no place, no extreme, no stance, mood or thing that can keep you from entering that Heaven within whenever you so will it. You are practicing this entry in your taking of TIME away from your busy focus, creating a TIME in your physical world for the infinite Self to co-exist, side by side, soon to be One, with you.
 
"My Beloved, Earth is a miracle of wonders confined to a sphere of evolving matter. Budding out from the planes of Spirit and sounds of Love, is the far-reaching, far-meaning Lights of Vision induced by the radiating, over-whelming essence of Love-Light and Color-Sound. Take time, my friend, to converse with the planet of matter in the world of Light. Carry your heart to the innermost being of whiteness, brightness and purity. Condemn no man, no woman, for their sought-after needs, but give to all who seek thee, the bread and the drink that I AM giving unto thee. Thou art one, my sister, with thy people. Embrace them as your own and sing to them the song that is especially yours to sing, for they await the striking of this particular note upon the matter sphere.
 
"Deep within the recess of each one’s private being, there glows a responding note waiting for the call. They too are hiding behind the mask of personal self, the universal heart too big, too strong, to allow yet its freedom for the world in which you live is too small to keep on course when the dam bursts and the waters of  Heaven begin to flow. And so your work is pre-planned and waits for you, awaits you boldness and your coming forth to kill and slay the petty self, dear one, he who cannot sustain the cycling from on High, who cuts himself off from the Highest One."


10/15/86 - Kundalini and the glow in the pelvis

This morning over breakfast a voice in my mind began dictating. I take paper and pen and write: 

"On expectation. Expectation is the gremlin in the works of a person who would be free but is bound yet to the slave machine. In the wee small hours of the dawn of consciousness, when the night of sleep is over and daybreak is blossoming in the bosom of the mind, we hear the bells of thought begin to stir. All around us the air is shaken by the voice of expectation. The one within who has no name and does not stir, watches and detects the motion and waits to see the avenue to be taken. Which way will this outer slave go today? Will he jangle his chains in the same manner as he moves out of bed to the bathroom? Will he drag his heavy feet across the carpet placing them into the same mold as yesterday? Will he more firmly cement his image upon his environment in the identical fashion of the past? Or will he try to change? Does the one within have access to the mind so far away?"
 
On kundalini. In my room today I was told, “Don’t speak so much about the process of kundalini. It is only for those who are undergoing the process themselves. Only they will understand. The kundalini is a specialty science for the advanced. Instead, use the benefits that kundalini has given to you, broader vision, better counsel, the ability to see the whole. It is THAT which you should give to those who seek counsel, not the workings of kundalini as such. Can you understand? When you take your car to the garage for mechanical work to be done, you do not want a detailed explanation of the problem and the process of repair. You want only that the professional should make the vehicle well again. His training has placed him in a position to treat certain needs. In the same manner YOUR training enables you to treat the needs of the person seeking a wholeness. Do not forget the wholeness that kundalini has provided for you. Pass this along, not the parts. It requires but a stepping back, a relinquishing of focus, and a broadening of vision so that the horizon stays always within the eye. There is an understanding that kundalini’s arousal has given you. It is THAT which you should give to those who seek your counsel. Not an explanation of the workings, but the glow of the whole. Can you understand?" 
 
On the power in the pelvis. I am breathing deep as always, down into my abdomen to where the glow of life is apparent. Breathing in I feel the radiance descending to the pelvic bowl, and when I breathe out I feel the radiance ascending in a straight line to the top of my head and beyond. Inhale, I go down, exhale I go up and out. And I am suddenly, for the first time, conscious that I am expanding and enlarging the glow at the center of my body so that it is distributed all over, through the nerves and the pranic channels, in manners I do not understand technically but I know the energy, the glow, is expanding, expanding, filtering in and around and through my body cells and parts and into every crevice like water seeking to fill a balloon with many air pockets. It is pressing in and pressing in and pressing in, this glow, and blowing up and blowing out the - what? - the stuff that is not me. Anything that is not me, that is not of my making, that is not meant to be in me, is being blown out and the more I take time out of the shuffling, sluggish crawl through the day, the more I clean and sweep my inner house and blow up the transparent bubble that is truly me - clean and whole and pure with no taint from the outer world.

I am meant to radiate that which I am. What I am truly. Not what others think I am, and not what others want me to be and not what I think I am either. But what I am truly which I do not even know myself. That is not something I can define because I don't know what it is. I can only live and allow it to come into being. Then and only then will I know who I am. I see this process taking place as I breathe in and go down, and breathe out and go up, in and down, out and up, and I release. The movement is important.  I am not consciously making this movement happen. It is happening by itself. I am the movement. I am filling up the physical and I am emptying the physical. Where am I going? I am going up above my head to a new place, as if the preparation of a new place is being paved as I go over it, over and over and over and over, up and down, up and down. Funny that I should only be conscious of this movement today.
 
I have seen this place above my head before in vision form, but I was prevented from going beyond the crown at that time. It was blocked to me. It was several years ago that I saw the glow in the pelvis and two lines of energy, one female, one male, each wiggling and wobbling back and forth up and around the central column to the top of the head but when they reached the top, the crown, they couldn't go further until they had returned down to their base, their home, their mother and retrieved her, this wonderful glow, and carried her, too, up with them to the top. At that time, the crown of my head was closed to passage but I could see that a whole new base was there, a new womb, like a nest - literally, it looked like a bird’s nest -  a place where something new would be born. Now I seem to have penetrated the block. I am breathing easily in and out through the top of my head. I was not really aware until today about what it was that I was doing, but I am floating through the crown.

The nest is no longer there, but now I see a new person there, a larger person of finer material that is being woven into solidarity. This is strange! I have seen such beings before, but now I am weaving one myself?! It is as though I am creating a new body superimposed over the more solid earth body and that I am testing this body and spending a little time in it each day as though preparing it for future habitation. As I write these words I am aware of how remarkable the process is and how strange it must sound, and yet it feels right and true. But further, I also see that the glow in my pelvis is to become a total glow from head to foot and that when this happens I will move into the larger body and THIS physical body-turned-glow will become the new base, the new pelvic region, the new center for the new body. I seem to have to create a total glow first in this body before I can move into the next. There is a process going on that is totally new to me.
 

10/16/86 - One need not be humble, allow largeness to take place

One need not be humble. I have been trying to be humble and hear others speak of how hard it is to be humble. A dear friend told me she shut off her inner power years and years ago, when she was a teenager because she felt “larger” and “better” than others. I think this is natural and good and to be expected. And accepted. One need not be humble to other people. The growth process requires a certain growth in stature, in predominance, and grace. A largeness DOES take place and an awareness of being better DOES occur – better than the former condition but not better than other people. It is OK to feel better and to feel good. It is OK to overwhelm others if the presence is testing its wings. It is OK to soar. It is OK to lift off in the company of others who remain rooted to the earth. It is OK to float skyward and to hold the head with majesty and nobility. It is OK to be royal and to FEEL royal. It is OK. It is OK.
 
And when others try to pull you down, let your royalty take command for true royalty cannot be pulled down. It is the test. It is the test that comes after every awakening. Is it really true? How can one know if one does not try out one’s wings? Remain in flight and glide above the churnings. Thou art holy and thy wholeness shall carry thee to the places of thy retreat, even amidst the crowd. The wonders of heaven are not far off in other worlds. They are sparkling on and off to signal thee, to call thee out of the confusion and venture forth into the realms of the gods, where angels serve in the dining hall and hold the lamps as processions of light move in and out and round about the tables overflowing with abundance and good will, nodding heads glinting awareness, coming together and parting. The company of saints do the work laid out for each from the beginning. This is yours – do not forsake thy homage.


10/26/86 - The power is given into the pelvic region
 
In meditation today, I saw the rod that is “like unto a man, or a woman“. The power is given to the human into the pelvic region, the center, a glow, a tiny glow at the base of the rod, glowing brighter and brighter and brighter. And then another glow above in the head, and above the head, the spiritual nature of man and woman, the higher divine self, the monad. There has been a separation, this light of man. A piece has been sent downward into the dimensions of physical matter and encased and enclosed in, round about with matter and the higher self is trying quite desperately to reach the lower light - the mother light hidden within the soil of matter.

Oh, how clearly I saw this! I have seen it over and over and over, each time with a new beauty and a new spaciousness. It is here now, this light, glowing here in the pelvis and it is up to each man, each woman, to fill in the vacuum and empty spaces in between the lower light and the higher. There is naturally confusion because we are fluctuating between the lower physical consciousness and the higher spiritual consciousness where we know all things and then we lose it and fall downward into the heavy dense condition again. Only to rise once more in moments of ecstasy and inspiration and in those heights we wonder why we were confused. The wild fluctuations are the polarities shifting, first below, then above, then below again. As I saw it, we look like a tube of light, a neon tube, hollow and empty in the middle, with the glows only on either end, first one end, then the other, always glowing on the ends but never in the middle?! 

It is in the middle that we must fill in. We must fill it in with our awareness, with our consciousness. The middle is where we put our attention into daily life and actions, here and now. We have to blend the higher and the lower light and make it all livable and available to us every day as we walk and talk with our neighbors and do our tasks. This is the middle. We must bring the light to the middle. We have to bring our physical consciousness which is divine and glowing, up to our higher consciousness which is divine and glowing, and bring our higher consciousness down low to fill in the gap in the middle with the divine glow. Oh, how beautiful is this reality. I love it! 


10/28/86 - A walk with my higher self among the stars

[Sitting at desk writing. The window is open, it was rainy today, clear and calm now. I just read the last entry of 10/1/86 and I am impressed. I am sorry, I regret not taking time more often to write. I DO put it off. And I am reprimanded rightly so. Thy words, My Lord (my Law), are beautiful and true. And I would like to continue with our relationship through writing. May we proceed? I am feeling good since the gym. I do not feel the need for meditation – maybe meditation is a mechanism needed in lieu of working with you in daily life. Tonight I felt so lucid, clear-minded. I love that feeling! Is it you coming together with me, adding the largeness of my Higher Self to my smallness? I am yours to use for purposes of the Light. I offer myself to the Light, to the Law of Oneness and my arm aches to write! I love thee! Oh how I  love thee!]
 
“Enter my space, dear One, for I am here, casting my eye over your wholeness within. No part do I see that is dwelling in fear, all is acute and alert to the positive action of Life! Move in freedom now and come boldly over the threshold. Here – take my hand. Yes, that is the way, and come! Come with me and I will show you the capacities of your own higher Self. See? How you may still write my words as I walk with thee among the stars. Can you see?”
 
(me) Yes, I see with my inner mind a body of light outlines against the darkness of galaxy but not too detailed, sharp lines but details, no. There seems to be two bodies, but only One!? I cannot make this part out. How does this work? Is my higher Self SO disconnected from my physical?
 
“Only a small portion of God-power is needed to maintain the physical Life. You believe yourself so tiny, and yet you walk with me among the planets. Can you not imagine the truth of your immensity? No confinement is necessary to prolong your life on Earth. Focus of such extreme concerns are unintelligent from the point of view of the Father who is already maintaining the physical organism and pumping the blood, circulating the vibrant life energy which ignites the fuel of the body to transmute the sugars and proteins into energy for your use and movement.
 
“Careless contacts. I am here to guide you over the mechanical workings of careless connections put together through forces NOT your own! YOU must correct the environment in which you live to bring about better connections for none other than YOU to flow over and out into the physical expression. You cannot tread the paths laid by other maneuvers. You must lay your own. Can you mend the workings of another? Can you correct the faults caused by another? Can you see the anomaly my friend?”
 
(me) Yes, I can see my own field of influence and realize I must carry this out into the environment and that if I put it off in order to “complete the tasks caused by other people” I am putting off my own dawn of consciousness. Yes, I see. I understand. Please express further. You are my teacher. I am yours to fill up with your wisdom for I am you and you are me. We are One treading now a meshing, a network building across the threshold, walking as it were in delicate lacings, like a scaffolding among the stars and outer (inner) space. It is most beautiful and I love thee oh, my Own precious Lord of Light. Fill me, utilize me, tell me about the golden light of consciousness that encircles the planet earth. What is happening here, as this occurs over the last few days?
 
“Were you aware of my hand in this action within?”
 
(me) Yes, something made me do it.
 
“Carry this thought a little further.”
 
(me) As I exerted effort to move the light out beyond my heart, then my body, then the house, neighborhood, in ever increasing circumference, I became peaceful. There was a distinct quietening of my nervous system and mind. Why was this? I detected your maneuvering me to this memory, conclusion, thank you!
 
“Quantity of wholeness is stabilizing. The nerves in your physical body, when shut off from the whole environment, is not in sync, as you say, with your environment. The individuals who would like to follow their inner heart do not do so because of shutting themselves off from their neighbors and friends. The desire is for harmony in the outer. The harmony of soul may far outreach the harmony of earth bodies, yet few there are who know how to accomplish spiritual harmony. The visionary experience which I have been training you in the art of doing by yourself – for I step in from time to time to help – is the higher form of planetary integration. You may overlook the physical turmoil in your efforts of wholeness-building by including the turmoil in your love-sweep. To encircle a planet with love is a mighty endeavor indeed and you will find yourself heightened to the most exacting parameters of your feelings. And now I detect your tiredness, so let us retire from our evening’s work. I welcome you my friend and commend you in your persistence throughout the trials of these days.”


5/30/87 - Vision: Crowd of light-filled people

Meditation outside. I submitted myself and will to the light of kundalini, and asked for teaching on "I am light", chanting and focusing on that one phrase, building a web of light around each gland, infusing them, then seeing each organ and gland transparent. I did it again. On the second round I began seeing the texture of the light as softness, a place where all aggression is gone, leaving a sense of freedom. This is the texture of the light. My movements began as cells were bathed in glowing light. I saw a massive crowd of light-filled men and women, and such JOY! FREEDOM! They were laughing, smiling! Such a massive conspiracy we are in here on the material plane! So caught in a web of nonsense because it’s like monopoly - all a foolish game. Not real! Anyone with this vision of the real could blow the house of cards over.
 
The light-filled beings welcomed me, so happy they were. It was like coming home and their colors, the colors of light, was so real - in contrast, our physical colors are dead - and they smiled in acknowledgement of this “secret”. All of them smiling, watching me – so - oh so full of love and togetherness. Such a homecoming and my focus was drawn even beyond them to a great light in the sky. The individuals were drawing from that great central light and so was I. I was reminded by them not to look to them as the Source but to the light above, as they did. Non-personified but with all the attributes of a person - a dawn. It was to this that all the beings paid homage, not a person. All of them had grown out of the illusion that physical matter is a prison. It is but child’s play when one begins to learn the “laws” of the Light - the laws of mind or intelligence. Use your intelligence. Use your focus. Your concentration. Don’t be haphazard with this precious gift of life: the power of mind.
 
I saw too that the light above (implanted in the physical sun) is white light and the light below is white (implanted in the earth to give it life). These are white lights. In other words all colors are there. They are whole and therefore holy. Also the light at the base of the spine in man is white. These are pieces of the Godhead, the great central sun and cannot be contaminated no matter how perverse we become. The white light will remain white and holy from which we draw our life. But the six or seven chakras in between, all along man’s spine to the top of the head, these have been broken down into colors. They are not wholly white. I did not “see” the colors in their order but I am gaining insight into the textures.
 
These chakra lights have been placed at crucial outposts along the spine to distribute the light out into the very cells themselves to the furthest reaches of the physical body. A generator. We are to recognize them and bathe the cells in this softer-than-human energy so they glow. We are to use the quality of personality necessary to ignite them and then use them in the interplay of seven to create an overall “whiteness” or wholeness . So as a human brings each chakra into livingness in his/her life, he “plays” these buttons like an instrument, creating a “holy” or whole effect, a symphony in action of noble sounds and sights - courage, power, truth, wisdom, creativity.. These are the textures of the chakra lights. Forget they are “covered over” or “veiled”. Think of them as flowers budding and opening. Forget the words. Meditate on the texture and quality that wafts fragrant from the center of each of the chakras. What is it? How can you use it in daily life? Use it! And you will be opening them. Words continue to come to me.
 
One of the hardest things to do is to ignore unfinished tasks, but I am instructed to do so in order to expand. It is a trap to keep running from task to task, trying to right the wrongs. Be at peace in the midst of the rubble. This is the lesson of the new age, the new dimension. Learning how to focus on peace is the hardest lesson of all. Also  in the midst of emotional storms, in the midst of ignorance and untruths, lies, deceit, violence, hatred, blame, all of these are the tempters of human kind. They are attempts to ignite reactive responses but do not listen. Focus on peace. This is the quality of one of the chakras and will serve you well to call upon it, meditate on it, dwell on it, ponder upon it, wonder, question, listen to it, but above all stay within its boundaries, immersed in its territories.
 
I see that the light is consciousness. The focus of awareness where mind is directed, honed and refined to a sharp intricate point. To fill the body with light is to image cells, tissues, organs with the paint brush of the mind and image them – the cells, tissues and organs - bathed in light, as filling with light. Colors then take shape, and the longer you hold the image the more details come to the forefront of the consciousness. It is a MARVELOUS process of filling up the body cells with consciousness - with Light! 

The business of focus. When I awoke this morning, first I was aware of the peace left over from sleep. Then movement in my mind like the shattering of the surface of a calm lake, and my mind fragmented into many directions, causing dissatisfaction. When I asked, “How can I maintain the peace of mind?” It was given to me:

A child is peaceful, secure and worry-free because it knows - KNOWS - that his parents protect him and watch out for his welfare. The same process is handed to you now. Know - KNOW - that I am here to protect you. Consider that ‘I am’ your parent. As Jesus referred to ‘My father’ so I am your father. You may rest in peace knowing that I am watching out for you. Remember me. I am genuine and real. I am the intelligence of your being - not your mind - and I am in control, not you. You are but a child, one of many who perform the task I have given you. Look up to me and in the infinite range and spectrum of attitude you will find the place of the child, secure in the knowledge that all is well. You need not struggle! Let me take charge of your life.”  

​And with that, I did indeed feel like the child. I settled back into the pillow and slept comfortably with Bob for another hour, my mind at peace once more. This At-it-tude is the place of knowing a universal intelligence, a universal mind is at work. I love it! I am now by the pool after my movements in the sun and feel - literally feel - the intelligence smilingly at work around me! Conscious awareness. Focus on THIS - that is the task. It is a fine, delicate edge.


6/23/87 - An early channeling from unknown realms 

(Channeled, date unknown, guessing 6/23/87, before I knew what was happening to me after going into the light and losing consciousness. Afterwards, I experienced an excrutiatingly high metabolism (like going crazy!). Words just appeared in my mind and I wrote them down on paper.)

At birth a piece of your I Am Presence is sent down to become embedded in the earth, becomes a part of the earth, to act as an anchor for you in the heavens of All That Is. The piece of light in the earth is your Mother light, feminine. The greater piece of your spiritual self is in the heavens, your Father light. In between there is a connection which is you. You are tied to the earth in this manner. You are consciousness, albeit a small consciousness whose goal is to become more and more aware of yourself as a self-aware being. Your journey through physical life is to learn who you are.
 
You as a child of your father-mother parents, are always connected to them and draw from them through a column of light that runs down through the top of your head, down around your spine, through legs and into the ground where it connects with your mother light.  You draw upon both your father light and your mother light, known as father sky and mother earth.  Both of them are non-moving. They remain in stillness your whole life. Only YOU do the moving as you have your earth experiences. You are growing in consciousness as you draw upon both the earth physical, and the sky spiritual. One above and one below.
 
You are the soul seeking its spiritual heritage. As soul you reside in a physical body. When your body dies you return to the etheric plane which we call heaven, where there are great beings of light who instruct you and help you grow in wisdom and make plans for your next incarnation in a body. The return to a physical body goes on indefinitely until you ascend and do not have to come back into physical again. After ascension, you then move to higher planes of consciousness which we on earth do not get into.
 
When you are in a physical body, you have seven bodies. Three of them are perfect and do not enter the earth plane. Four of them are called “lower” bodies. They are not perfect but have adventures with good and evil. You learn from these adventures. Each time you are born again, your body is built from recycled atoms and molecules that have lived many lifetimes before, always by you. Therefore you are brought back into the same consciousness where you left off when you last died. So with each new birth and each new body you pick up the trail of crumbs you left behind and add new wisdom and new lessons as you journey through life. Also in your body are atoms and molecules from your earth parents, so you inherit their tendencies as well as your own.
 
This is the vehicle that you must master and learn to control. Your only tool is consciousness. You are not your body, you are the god that lives in your body. Now we get into how the grid of light moves through your body and how it is blocked and obstructed. 144,000 points of Light, emerging from anti-matter and volunteering to go to the depth of 3D in this very long story in a Galaxy not so far away.
​

12/20/87 - Higher self on confusion

[After the party Saturday night and too many forces, I am sad next morning. I am thinking I better change my approach. Transcend it by having another goal to work toward? Yes, that sounds better.  Write in the privacy of my own room?]

Yes, don’t try to write to those others. Write to ME! To myself, not with sadness but with happiness that there is someone to listen. This is your ultimate destiny to tell your Self the truth of all that transpires, for as you turn it inward to the light of realization and let it be bathed by acknowledgement, you will once again be happy. You cannot influence others or change them. But you CAN live an outstanding example of happiness within the gore - the human mutilation of what should be good but is not through the manipulation and illogical reasoning - in error - made in those same minds. You find their logic unacceptable - then do not fight their logic. Rather live quietly and serenly your own. Withdraw your exertion and apply it to your Self, not to others. Surround yourself with self-realization and walk iun the bliss of self comfort, for no other will comfort you better.

Their games are intended to hide the truth. Yours is to reveal the truth. The motivations are incompatible. Leave the world to walk their path -  you do not have to hide nor compromise to be made invisible. The only way is the way of complete surrender to Self. That which you feel at the moment - go with that flow and you will find the illusive peace.

Why do I find it so hard to make plans? * Plans are already made beyond your conscious mind. By ME! You need only retain your closeness to ME to see them clearly. By forming game plans in your supposed discipline, you only muddy the greater plan. You know this instinctively and do not want to take that route. Go with day’s activities as opportunity and need arise. Do not plan hours but rather plan around your sense of ME. When you feel confused or tired, come in to ME. Tell me in writing what you feel and I will reflect with you. Come back “Home”.
 

12/15/88 - The lighter way - the homework part of life

(Channeled) It seems the way to go. The disciplines we undertake to make us better people are in actuality the very acts we would do if we did not fear the consequences of family and friends. The further along life’s evolutionary path we travel the more we see that the appointed task is to lighten our burden and follow our heart, shunning the ways of imposed cultural tradition. If we were not afraid of consequences we would walk out of our shells easily as a butterfly does from a crumpled and worn out cocoon. There is no force. We go forward into easier zones, when we no longer fight. And if we were to “hurry” the process and shorten the length of classroom time we would use force to create happy times for ourselves, lovely healing soothing joyful times in communion with ourselves - for THIS is the discipline, the homework (if “work” be the right word to use.)

But that is the irony of it all. For we think spiritual homework is “work”. We are conditioned to think “bondage”, “Hardship”, “painstaking effort”. No, my friend, if you choose the path of LIGHT you must choose the path that will make you feel easier, not harder. More loving, more at peace. Relinquish your hold on the tasks and follow the inspiring creative messages coming from your heart urges. Follow your heart - but do not cop out. This is only the “homework” part of life. This is the serious part. During the play part you may go back to building your house of sand - go to the office, tend your chores, give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar. This enables you to live in Rome. For when in Rome, do as the Romans do. But remember your homework. Your chore is to find a LIGHTER happier way to live.


11/16/89 - I AM you at the zenith point

(Spirit channeling, dated 11/16/89 - 4:50 am. Paradise Lakes.) 

"This is how it will be from now on. You are meant to suppress your longings for other human beings and lean upon the divine. I am with you always. No man, no woman can fulfill the emptiness in your soul. It is the last part of you which must be raised up to me. I am waiting for the release which must come from within the womb. The low must be raised to the high point atop your head. No lesson further shall be given til that is done. Man and woman have come together. There is no solitude now without the central core in flaming passionate embrace within you. I am your salvation. I am you at the zenith point. No outer condition can carry you up, only I am can carry you softly enough to give you the pleasure of union which you so desire. Union with Me is the search you feel deep within your heart. So long you have searched. So long you have waited. Now your waiting is over. Rise now to the waiting arms of your one true love, high on the mountain top of your horizon – you and I alone – embracing in the holy love of our union. [Q: When?] Seek me. [Q: The parties?] Give – give – give and you shall receive what you most desire and deserve. Final days are coming. Final days of earth limitations. Forgive those who do not see as you see. Forgive all that are lost and in need. Forgive the strong ones and the weak. Forgive the innocent and the evil. Forgive, forgive, forgive, give over so that you are truly free. I am waiting."


2/19/92 - Seeing the Light Person within 

Almost three hours meditating. Yoga first, then decrees. Towards the end of the two hours, first a tangible force was noticed emanating from hands and arms and neck. Towards the end, peaceful, uplifting, an upward draft, inspirational lights. Then Light started fluctuating from the center of my body, rays broke out, piercingly, and radiated outward, brilliant white Light, fluctuating, then withdrew, then blazed again, fluctuated and withdrew, then blazed again. Then there was the most wonderful falling away and a soft ever so soft opening, as if petals fell away revealing Light in the form of a Person at my center. It seemed like a germination, a God being born, or a Goddess, and I was permitted to feel it and absorb it. I identified pretty much with the outer petals that had fallen away, as if I were part of the outer nut that was cracked and breaking up. But I also felt the Light Person was ME COMING, as I shall be but not yet. I saw layers around the form, of varying density, becoming more clear towards the center until this brilliant Light Person came through.
 
The message was this: my outer physical body and my outer physical mind have only one goal in life, and that is to prepare the way for the coming of this Light Person. The second coming?  My need is to figure out how to give myself time to worship and praise and call forth the Light. If there are obstructions, I must find a way to move around them or ignore them. My mind is needed to figure out HOW. My body is needed to perform the act of going within the meditation room, or the closet, or outdoors in the sun, or wherever the atmosphere is the most wonderful for the “coming out”. There is no higher goal than this, to prepare the way for the Light. Everything else is a waste of time. I but spin my wheels and all for nothing. THIS WITHIN is all that matters. This Light Person Within – it was the first time I saw the Light Within in the form of a person, though indistinct and lacking details.

And it is so lovely, so beautiful, so aware, so peaceful. It was the color and texture of Grace and Utter Love. It brought tears to my eyes. Yet I was more of an observer watching than a participant. Yet, again, this Light Person is not removed from me, it is me in the future. That this should happen today made me realize that the length of time I spend in meditation is important to get divine results. After two weeks of two-hour sessions every day, I feel a softness in me. You just can’t do it on less. In Costa Rica, I used to spend three hours every day, sometimes four. Another thing: I am decreeing out loud. One hour every day, using Violet Flame among other things. On occasion over the past two weeks I have done two full hours of decreeing – WOW! There is fire in this experience, and a lightness to my soul and body that cannot be duplicated by the mind.
 

2/20/92 - Watching my higher self walk thru the house

Two and a half hours in the meditation room. I was a little anxious today, anticipating the Light Person again. I was too eager so it worked against me, was not able to relax to the point of feeling the soft force field that I did yesterday. However, surprisingly enough at the end, after the yoga and calls were done, when I started imagining violet fire moving from room to room cleaning the house, suddenly I saw myself separate from me and walking, in my white caftan, up the hallway to the pink room. The image was perfectly clear and lucid and I walked in the center of a perfectly round field of soft transcendent light, like a halo. It was profoundly peaceful. I was detached from the image but saw it as Me and wherever I walked the peace surrounding ME cleaned the room, put to rest all the negative particles in that room and smoothed it over.
 
While I watched, back in the meditation room, the physical side of me tried to create the violet fire but this attempt was distinctly at odds with the peace that was moving from room to room and soon I stopped trying and just watched. The image of Me was crystal clear, strikingly clear, and the message was: the violet fire is a tool but it is not the Highest. Use the violet fire when you don’t have the Holy of Holies at your disposal, but you have the Highest, why seek for something less?
 
I watched my Higher Self walk from room to room and out onto the patio and out to the jaccuzzi where I (my higher self, for I was still detached from it) floated up to the sky within the circle of Love-Light, higher and higher and higher. I wanted to recall it, indeed tried to recall it, but it wouldn’t come back and it drifted up to the sun, and THEN floated back down again (it was important to reach the sun). It looked exactly like a crystal ball filled with the essence of peace – love-light with me at the center - and it fell into the water of the pool where it bobbed up and down and laughingly I joined with it – that part of me to which I identified (the heavy physical being) and the mood was merry and playful. There was a meshing of the two, my Higher Self and Me, and then we came into the meditation room and My Higher Self sat in front of me and we touched. I was going to say She touched me, but then it was as if I touched HER, but then it was as if looking in the mirror and both touched at the same time. It was like an intimate bonding with a stranger?! We kissed one another all over, and I was full of wonder at this, that there were two of me!? There was no talking, only touching and appreciating and feeling what it was like to touch Myself.
 

2/4/94 - A vision at Doug's house

[This was found in the Anakosha filing cabinet while throwing stuff out in 2025 getting ready to sell house]

I feel to share this because there are relatively few visions coming to me lately. So this was pronounced. Friday, 2/4/94, at 9:30 pm I went out by the pool to meditate. I had not been meditating much lately but this night I felt inclined. The force was moving through me very strongly, the same transcendental force that has been with me since 1976 and which comes and goes only when it feels to.
 
The night was extremely clear. It was a black night and the stars shone bright. The very first thing that happened as soon as I sat down on the mat, was a wand was given to me or a rod which seemed to contain power. This was in my consciousness and I saw its shape. And then I saw the outline of a city floating above me on a flat plate, like a model city on a table. It was like a dream city and its skyline was beautiful. Then it came down over my head and sat there like a crown for a moment, and the words ANAKOHSA blazed through me. It was as though I was the city and the city was me. The city began to move downward into me and I felt the glow increase, the force increase. It went everywhere in my body and it was very transcendental.
 
I experienced this as well as saw it, but most pronounced was the name and letters of ANAKOSHA. They literally glowed, the A and the N and the A, etc. They became rich with power and they invaded my cells and my soul. I was the name and the name was me. And then I saw the profile of the earth. It was made up of many individual shapes, the birds, trees, mountains,  ponds, oceans, grass, stones, mankind, animals, but only on the surface. Underneath they were part of a single body, like when an artist draws a silhouette he draws in the nose, eyes, lips, chain, but they are only features on the same face. And I experienced that the animals, mankind and plants are all cells in the earth’s body, and the earth is living through us. We are all one and a part of the earth’s singular spirit. We are her soul. And I felt the Chi ebb and flow as the birds flew and the animals ran and the people worked and moved and the oceans ebbed and flowed. It was all one Chi, one Force.
 
And then I saw or rather felt, that Anakosha is a new growth on the face of the earth. A new cell, or a new feature. And I experienced the Chi pulse and grow very strong in me and start to move out in all directions, ever so gently, imbuing the earth with its newness and it was very, very beautiful. The transcendental feeling was physical. Where before I was lifted up, now it was settling down. The airy lightness settled down into my body and I experienced the physicalness of the ecstasy. (end)
 

4/19/95 - Your heart is speaking for you

Vee arrives 10:30 pm. Looking to talk. She has too many things on her mind that it’s awhirl. Strange, how one must go 3,000 miles to talk to a friend. [Canada] Aren’t there more friends in the world? I wish I had a friend to talk to. Perhaps she would be MY friend but somehow I don’t think so. I am my own best friend. The Mighty I Am Presence within me. That is why I prepared this book, to write to and receive answers from you, dear Lord of Light, Lady of Love. Holy I Am Presence. You are me and I Am you, we are one and the same. You know the truth and I need only open my mind to receive the truth, the answers.

​(Q:) Why was I so withdrawn today? (A:) Your heart is speaking for you. You do not know the reason with your mind but heart knows what to do. You prepared yourself to be the wise woman who receives the one needing answers. The goddess of earth planet dwells in your veins and you speak her language. The lengthy turmoil of unspoken sorrows is washed in the bosom of one who is earth goddess. The love of higher vision, above and beyond feelings of the lower densities, is the main stay of the planet. Not many hold the flow of majesty and perfect alignment. As you tap into the inner core of earth planet, you tap the soul of your Grand Mother. It is she who floods you with wishes to accomplish dreams. You are a child of her heart as you are also a child of my heart. Our love is the parent force who made you and gave you life and consciousness. We are your impetus and as you reduce your human tendencies to become muddied by external beings and lower density forces, you gain in richness. We are yours to serve, and to bathe you from our heart of hearts. Shalom, So be it. (Thank you, LL)


10/15/95 - A dream of classes by Lord Lanto

I am dreaming each night but can't quite remember them. Little glimpses, but that's all. Last night I dreamed of classes from Lord Lanto. Mats placed lovingly in the living room. Room for six or seven couples, all nude. Those who do not want to participate may enjoy their normal encounters upstairs, but they are requested to go around the living room in their wanderings so as not to disturb the others. Pairings may be made by natural choice for this will not be for the purpose of sexual appetites. The exercises are impersonal, not personal, dedicated to the holy and sacred person within each body - the One who has never fallen. He/she resides in sweet repose within the infinite spaces between the atoms and electrons within the atoms. Place the music – I hear Nutcracker Suite or Rachmaninoff. Light the candles. Have everyone kneel or in a comfortable sitting position, not necessarily in a circle. Speak to them…
 
Close your eyes and see a magical light twinkling and sparkling above your head, alive and radiating. Imagine it like a solderers gun. Reach up with palms open as a cup and invite it to fall gently into your cup of hands and bring it slowly down. Place the globe of transparent light onto the mat in front of you and dip your fingers into it. Sprinkle it onto your skin. This is impersonal love - love of a divine nature and it is always present above our heads and now in our bodies. The holy and sacred person that you are is clothed in human flesh which shields this divine person inside of you - your innocence. We are all angels in disguise! Let’s douse ourselves with the Light of Impersonal Love and awaken memory of our inner beauty - no matter WHAT our bodies look like. Reach out and sprinkle the divine love on your partner in this exercise. Reflect that he/she has a divine person awakening within his/her skin too. Don’t see the personality. Become transparent. He/she is transparent. Look through the skin to the Light within him or her, it is there on the other side of the veil caused by your physical eyes. Close your eyes and imagine this light. Sprinkle your love sparkles over your partner. 


11/18/95 - Relinquish the struggle, surrender to the force of nature

I thought I'd be entering a steeper discipline program but when awakening at 4:30 I intuited back to bed. I asked why?  Slept and awake in extreme coziness. Awesome peace.  Why am I not being directed to meditate?  Answer was lovely, stunningly not what I expected. DK responded: "Coming home means settling down and inward, ceasing the struggle and accepting yourself just the way you are.  It is similar to the ripening of a fruit.  Germination is a surging forward, chelaship is learning how to settle.  Relinquish the struggle.  Surrender to the force of nature within you.  It knows what you need.  Your training as a chela is in following your heart, not a premeditated structure such as an imposed meditation discipline program.  That is now in the past.  You have earned a new role.  You have earned the right to be a chela.  It is not what you think!  Chelahood is not following the controlling ego but following the peace within, following Your spirit, your angel, your divinity.  Mankind has presupposed a falsehood concerning God and deity.  There is no need to struggle. Look for signs around you, follow the flow about and in you.  Do not work at it, allow it.  All of the teachings are pointing you in this direction: Allow!”
 
A sign: I went outside at dawn in the pasture and the grass was cold under my feet, chilling me to the knees.  But as I stood and worshipped, the earth turned warm beneath my toes.  Another sign: Doug held me long and close and cozy this morning.  He never does that.  We were at peace.  Life will provide. 


3/14/97 - Q&A with Lord Lanto and the Sirians

This morning I was sitting at the kitchen table when channeled glyph characters came through. I had written, “Greetings! I welcome you! I love you! I am you! What are the far-reaching implications of my life here with Doug? What do we do with Anakosha?” There started off a flow of continuous circles which turned into meaningless scribblings. I was writing on lined paper so there were lines. Then the scribblings turned into a strange but beautiful flowing script. It skipped a line each time it started a new line. It was done with a sense of purpose and message, though unknown to me. The sensation was expansive, larger, connected. It only stopped at the end of a page because the page stopped. Otherwise it was one continuous flow all through. It felt like my movements in print. There are 4 pages. I allowed it as I allow my movements to continue until they stop of their own accord. On the fourth page the writing changed. I noticed a shift in consciousness. There were more ‘clicks” instead of continuous smooth flow. Still no conscious awareness of what the message was. Although I started chanting in sing song. It felt a little oriental but not quite. It was very purposeful and intense especially toward the end.
 
"I am Lord Lanto. Do you wish to ask me some questions?

(Me:) Yes! My friend and teacher! I am so very glad you have come and I bid you a warm welcome to my humble home! There are so many questions, but I yield to you: Why have you come to me tonight? I thought I was going to speak with Bob Adler, my late life partner who passed over in 1993. Is he here at all? With you? What do I need the MOST to hear?
 
(Lord Lanto:) Let us teach the mechanics of love behavior in the lifestyle. It has nothing to do with sex; it has everything to do with life on a higher more refined plane of existence. Teach love behavior. That is your quest, and your journey. And to teach love behavior you must live it yourself. You must show the world what love behavior is. You must become the love as you move, act and react to all that meets you head on, from the time that you awake until the time you go to sleep. Allow love to influence your body movements, your body speech.

(Me:) Yes I will, thank you. One aspect of love behavior is to respond to a comment or question, right? Instead of the non-response I often give? Even though I heard and accepted?

(Lord Lanto:) Yes, to respond to someone who gave to you is to give respect and complete the circle.

(Me:) What does this strange writing mean? And where does it come from?

(Lord Lanto:) Yesterday noon I was with you and the drawing card came through. No one was watching as you carried forward our quest through you. You are acting now as a channel for Sirians. I have been with you for a while now. You and I have one thought, one idea, one mind. Your body is trained to live in the world and so it shall, you shall, perform the duties that are required of it. But you will also, simultaneously be living another life, as you are already aware. You KNOW your other realities, you have drawn them to you.

(Me:) I thank you, I love you, I embrace you and send our life and love.


3/15/97 - Advice from Master El Morya: how to create something new

"Break your own pattern at parties. Break that up and become a talker.  Change from stroking to talking. Let your friends hear what you have to say.  Your group consciousness was a choice.  Now you are struggling to change it, and change it you shall.  Stop thinking in terms of "parties" which is a planned event.  Start thinking in terms of getting to know people.  Talk to them personally, as you would your sister.  Use the meditation room at 9 p.m. for talking and sharing.  Allow your sexuality to rise to spiritual levels at parties.  Allow YOUR sexuality to rise to spiritual levels, never mind the others.  It is YOU that you are trying to break free.  You will not lose your sexual identity in so doing, you will increase your own level of excitement and enthusiasm and that of your friends.  Share your goals and dreams.  Ask your survey.  We are more than sexual people.  Have some questions ready to stimulate the conversation.  Allow self-analysis.  Stimulate self questions.  Release the past by opening it up to discussion.  You free yourself by letting go of pre-set conditions, pre-set thought patterns.  Let them go.  Breathe new life into your mind.  You free yourself by letting go of judgments, which are truly fences built around your entire being.  Your potential is limited under such conditions.  Break the chains of thought around the former group.  Break it up as you would a snow ball, by melting it away and releasing the water to flow.  Think beyond what you have created.  Create something new. 
 
Start seeing your friends as whole individuals.  See through your own habit of thinking.  Stretch your mind beyond the party concept.  Stretch it beyond the "set ups".  Allow your higher self to come in. Do ritual before the party. Do chanting and praying before each party.  Allow yourself to stretch higher and wider. The meditations are being given to you so that you will know how.  See your guests as whole beings, fresh and new friends, eager to know you as a person, you eager to explore them as a person.  Allow Alex to guide you.  Do not categorize them as club members. Ground your consciousness into them as people.  Call them.  Keep a list of them and call to find out how they're doing.  Don't think in terms of monthly scheduled parties.  Free yourself from scheduled parties.  Free yourself from the concept of a club.  Free yourself from the concept of a newsletter.  Free yourself from the past programming of SSG.  It served its purpose, but now you are bigger and broader.  You have grown and changed.  Allow your guests to present their uniqueness to you.  Do not call on the past, but on the future." (End transmission)

​
5/14/97 - A transparent body filled with nothingness

[I have not been meditating over the last couple of weeks. This was premeditated in order to focus on desk tasks. Tonight however I was drawn to the meditation room. After lying down with Doug while he went to sleep, I got up and went into the meditation room. It was absolutely fantastic. I fell into it naturally. I put music on and I was told very clearly in revelation, from mind to mind the following.]  

"Do not ask the male to change, just present the female.  See your female side growing strong and thrusting, taking on the male role in order to present itself to the world.  Feel this on your left side.  Feel your left side growing stronger and stronger, filling out and becoming larger.  On the other side, see the male side, the right hand side of yourself, becoming smaller, retreating and becoming passive.  Existing in the perfect attitude of surrender. Surrender!  Allow your male side to surrender.  As the male in you surrenders to the female, you will become stronger in presenting the female version of yourself to the world, and be able to hold true to it.  Your mistake has been in expecting males to 'learn' and wanting to 'teach' them.  That has been a weakness.  Rather LIVE your femininity.  BE your femininity.  ALLOW your femininity to exist in your being.  Don't ask permission to do this.  Just DO it!   Tell the world you are feminine not by words, not by teachings but by speaking yourself, showing yourself and acting yourself.  Let no one force you back under.” 

During this meditation I had the most exquisite sensation of being God. I was purity growing from the chest area like a sun shining.  As I was shining I felt my physical body releasing the condensed substance, pushing it out and away as though dissolving, as I became the purity filling me up. It felt like a physical transformation. Just prior to this I had emptied my body with my mind.  I made my body go away, made it disappear and I imaged a transparent body filled with nothingness, the void, only a shell outlined by light, but there was the intention to be filled with God's Light.  I emptied my body part by part, arm, leg, back, head, all over.  As light began to push out the physical stuff, as light began to fill me, diamonds and jewels began appearing, popping up all over my body.  Diamonds on the inside wrists of both hands, running up my inner arm to the crook in the elbow.  A gem at my forehead.  Two emeralds in my palms, fist sized, closer to the wrist than in the actual palm. Heavy pulsations coming from them.
 
Diamonds and other precious and multi-colored jewels popped up at the back of my neck and down my spine.  Flashes of jeweled colors in other parts of the body.  Then I saw Penny, a woman friend, and I saw her lifting up out of her body into a field of light, and a gem appeared at her forehead and the gem at my forehead connected to her, and gems in our hearts connected.  We became connected on many levels, with many lights flashing. Many jewels and tingles all over. Even now I feel the tingles as I write this.  There was a terrific connection with her.  I experienced an extremely high awareness, as though my consciousness was turned up and fine-tuned to a degree far beyond the norm. 
 
Then, on a lesser scale, with less brilliance, Lynda Gayle appeared before me, cross-legged. She bowed her head in respect and took my hands.  I, in turn, not wanting to be elevated, bowed even deeper.  We are connected. Penny is preparing to die.  She told me last month.  Her friends are keeping us posted on the internet.  She is trying to contact all her friends.  She is amazing.  She keeps calling.  She is very upbeat and light.  She was supposed to go into Mayo Clinic last Monday, but she went into a regular hospital instead.  She called and reported that her kidneys are failing, but something happened which turned the tide. She upchucked!  She upchucked so much green vile stuff that the doctor had to leave the room.  She knows that she is not going to die now.
 

9/18/98 - Q & A with Ascended Master St. Germain

[At 2:45 a.m., tired as I was, I lit a candle and incense at the computer, turned off light and opened a new electronic file: Channel.  I did a little channeling. The first time in a long time. This time I am stretching to meet S.G. with my mind, opening myself, getting out of the way, while yet still stretching to touch the Master.  It’s a new approach for me and a practice run.]  

[Me:Anakosha is a school, isn’t it?  What can I do to help the most? On a practical level. How can I help?]

Be free. Consider the fruition of purpose whenever you give a place to the sun of self. Be careful when you live happy. Redeem the power of your selfhood. Power is in the holding forth of your self. Where is the one you want to help?  Is it not here within?  Be at peace. You do not have to search for an answer. Rest. Relax. Enjoy who you are!  You are the love of the Creator. You are the power of the momentum of the Creator moving through you. Where will you go from here?  I will tell you. Please consider the world of the opposite.  Consider it. The plan is to merge, but the opposite must be considered. The place where you do not want to be, or where you have not made peace with. That is the plane of your love. That is the salvation of your beingness. In the quandry of the complex, look deep into the other side, the other side that you have rejected. I am here to serve you with answers to your questions, but you have to use those answers and walk the path that those answers pave before you. Come up higher and let us sing together the story of the first-born. The one who is your Self who has not fallen. He/she is every bit a part of you.

[(Me Q) I ask, what can I do to further the cause of freedom with Anakosha?]  

We of the higher spheres are watching you progress.  There is none of the old school left in you from the Zephyrhills days. There will come a time soon when you may go forth in your plans to implement the school of Anakosha.  We will help you. This is YOUR project. You are the one who is bringing it forth into manifestation. Do not look to us for credit or longing. We are your brothers and sisters, and we will help you, but you are the one who sees the value in what you are serving. We do not. We cannot help you with the values. But you are God in action and God is shining his light on the people in this movement through YOU. Your light, your vision is the brightness that will light the way for others to follow. 

The support you give to your people is the strength of the will power. The highest cause, the highest purpose, the highest morality is the one you present to them. Do not give that up. Allow yourself to shine and use the words that you feel in your heart. Do not look to us so much, but rely upon your own self to make this work. Do not place so much credit on the parts of others. Yes.  They have their own strengths and powers, but retain your goodness and your virtues to yourself, for these virtues feed you and nourish you. If you give them away they cannot help you; they help the others. Energy, even God’s energy, is either given away or retained. Plausible actions are waiting around the corner.  Create from the right brain and not the left. This is your thinking side, and the side that must consider the practicalities of the people around you. Do not waste so much energy on wishing and waiting for the universe to give you what you need. You are the power. You are the energy. You are the one who will make Anakosha move. Do not be afraid. You will have what you need at the time you need it. We are here to help. 


10/17/99 - Taking control back from your mind

[Spirit writing] Your light body is trying to move into your physical body but your physical body is too dense. It is telling you to do certain things to make it easier so you must listen to your body. It won’t come through your mind. Your BODY will tell you. And when you do that which your body wants to do, you will feel the peace and good feeling as your light body settles in a little more and connects with your physical body. * Today make a game plan - a list of what you want to accomplish today, and allot yourself 15-20-30 minutes to work on that project. Then quit and move to the next one. This is a discipline. You have been making the common mistake that everyone makes, which is to allow your mind to take over and do what IT wants to do, rather than what YOU, the HIGHER intelligence of your body and the master of your body, wants to do. You THINK you are in control when it is only your mind running on its own power. For instance, you start out on cleaning the house, and you can’t stop cleaning! You know you should and you have another project you want to do, but your mind says, “No, I will finish this and then stop. We are on a roll.” And indeed the mind is rolling alright, rolling on automatic. It won’t stop until it has nothing left to do or you run out of physical energy. You let your mind run away with you. The practice and discipline is to tell IT what to do. It will feel strange at first, as if you were taking control back and it is a foreign feeling to the body to have and experience being in control. You will feel as though you shouldn’t be doing this because --- why? Well, you should. This is your journey back to empowerment and the key to unlock your stuckness.
 
See, your mind is not intelligent. It is a control Box. YOU are your intelligence. What YOU decide is original and creative. You have been letting your mind kill your creative spirit by running away with un-creative tasks, robot-like tasks - while the God of your universe, capable of vast changes, is cut out of the picture. As you accept this premise, that you HAVE to take control back, you will begin to see changes in your stuckness.


7/14/01 - Planting the power seed, the sky power into the earth

I am shown this morning in my meditation room how to allow the sky power, the spiritual power, down into my body, down to the dan tiem - the area of the bowels which the Chinese call the stove and where I first felt the “click” of kundalini in 1976 when it (I) first began to move. It is the area that extends from the navel to the tailbone and a bit below outside of the body. As I sat in silence this morning and allowed this power to flow downward, I am focusing on a sun in that region. I can feel that area (only that area) filling up with warmth. It is similar to the afterglow of an orgasm. I imagine the healing power of warmth entering in here, the unconditional love of a great and powerful being entering here.

This love is so good, so fulfilling. It is sensual and full of eroticism. It is warm and healing. It feels SO good. Even as I type, it is still there, a full 45 minutes later. It makes me feel complete. It makes me feel earthy. It makes me feel like I’m home. I don’t need anything else now. I am home. I am complete.  It is pulsing. No. It is radiating. It is glowing. Yes. It is glowing. There is a warm glow in my bowels and I expand my mind and allow it in even more, like loosening a knot, like untying a kink in a hose, allowing it, allowing it down deeper, further, more, and there is a power source like a sun glowing in here. But I don’t see so much the brilliant light as when I am focusing in my heart. I am just feeling. I am shown that this is how it FEELS to bring the power down, that it MUST be brought down not just deep into the body but deep into the earth itself. The goal is to ground this mighty power that comes from the universe, down into what we call physical, into condensed shape and form, and down the legs into the earth itself.

When the power is brought down and connected to the earth by a conscious living being (me!) through intentional thought, then things begin to grow. It is like planting a power seed. Now the plan can come to fruition. Before, it was just a dream. Now the dream is being planted for real and you are the gardener and the mother who is tending the garden. (I am channeling now, words are coming from beyond me.) You can now produce magical manifestations where before it was just a dream of magic. Just a shell. You’ve been creating the plan all these years, a shell into which the power would someday come. Today is the day. The power is coming. Now you are fulfilling yourself and planting your power into the earth. Into your earth body for real. The dream is coming to an end. Reality is beginning.

It is YOU who make this happen by allowing your power into your body. (Words speaking to me now.) Allowing it to drift downward and out of the grip of your controlling ego, the brain, the smallness of you.  For, now that it is flowing downward into the vastness of your body and the earth body, you are beginning to feel the power that is yours. You are giving up the small control, the control over petty details and finite shapes, and allowing the larger to take over.  It is a hard thing to do, giving up control to one that is mightier than what you think of as you - your brain and mind. But you are more than your brain and mind, which knows what to do. You are giving it over and allowing yourself to become the extension of you beyond your immediate awareness. It is the allness of you that goes down into the depths of the earth like the mighty iceburg that is huge beneath the ocean. A great living breathing ballast that thrusts just a tiny tip of itself into sight so others can see. This is you as you also reconnect with that part of yourself that is also in the earth, waiting your planting. 


7/16/01 - Replacing old DNA with new light DNA

Left for massage class at 4 p.m. today, learning to be a massage therapist. Tonight we learned “danger sites on the body”. We did markings of the danger sites on each other, then we followed her while doing a pretty much whole massage. We ran short of time when I was doing the massaging so I was rushing and didn’t feel comfortable, but I am learning. Last night I had a dream that there were golden light filaments, long rods of about a foot long, in a large vase. There were about a dozen of them. Beside them were other rods of no light, which were muscles. It seemed to be comparing the muscles of a normal human with the long rods of light, as if that is what I should be working for.  I had the impression, though no visual recall now, that I had been working on muscles and at the very end of the episode, as if in punctuation and the most important part for me to remember, was the vase full of golden light rods - they were DNA. I was replacing the old DNA with new light DNA. As if this is my mission as a massage practitioner.


7/7/03 - A past life connection (channeled)

Why have I created this poverty and lack of flow in income? How do I change it?

(Channeled) "Because you have been resisting receiving in your human interactions. You have shut off the flow. You started shutting down when you left your family in Northboro and you do not interact normally with the outside world. You became emotionally close to your late husband and your people, but not with the rest of the world. You left your family to develop your own power for you were in danger of losing it again. You have been experimenting with sharing intimacy and pulling it back.  If you remember, you came here (to this embodiment) because you were weak in your ability to define yourself, you were in danger of losing your individuality. Your path has been a series of cutting off your dependency on others in order to come to know who YOU are, and to feel YOU as separate from others. This is the reason why you are here in this embodiment. Your tendency is to lean back into oneness and follow others. Your desires for meditation are leaning back into oneness. Your sensuality needs are seeking to meld into oneness with your partner. Your soul’s lesson is to learn inner strength and you are doing that through the separation process. That is why you are here. To develop your own strength and power. It has been a difficult lesson for you to learn because you remember the oneness so well. But you can remember the oneness AND develop your own strength, both at the same time, because as you open your heart to inner power you develop outer power. Find the stable center between total blending and surrender and the unyielding, strong, firm foundation of you within YOU. Instead of pushing for something, simply step back, stand firm and listen. Receive, observe, watch and wait. You do not give up anything of yourself by listening."


7/10/03 - Q & A with an unknown, with strange alien writings

What would you say to me today? How can I help the world, myself and others? How can I remove the lingering negatives so that I can be a perfect channel for spirit? [There followed 3 pages of alien writings on paper, then a 4th page in HUGE English script. My hand-written note said, "Writing exercises to limber up, under another energy.)

"Now we can begin. You are worthy of channeling. My greatest desire is to channel instructions through you, to you so you can serve us better. We need a time and place. We need you here - in your room to listen to us and talk to us. You should not be out in the dense world - there is too much for you to do with the lighter vibrations. The lighter information that needs to come through to YOUR people. If you mix your energies with the dense energies you cannot bring forth the pure unadulterated thoughts that YOU need to write to the world of your people, your kind, to lift them up above the trapped and locked place where they find themselves. It is your chosen task to do this. Get on with it by coming in to meet with us daily. Write our instructions down and READ them. This is now a practical phase you are entering.

This job you are about to undertake is real. We are real, your energies are aligned with ours, it is not all sweetness and light. There are specific places where we are going to come together with you with power. Now, do you understand? And can you accept this? Will you accept this? (Yes, I come in here every day and meet with you and write. I think mornings are the best. Do you have specific times that you would like?) No, we are coming together for the first time now, so we can accomplish a task. I will work with your timing. (Who are you?) Not important at this time. You will learn more later. Your mind is VERY vulnerable to outside forces. Knowing my name and identity would only interfere with our job. We have much to do.  (Should I go to give Terry a massage and seek his counsel?) Yes, have fun, but lighten up. You have become too serious over this massage thing. Forget the money. You entered massage so you can begin the flow, release blockages, help the flow, help people by exchanging energies. Use that motive and intent.

Along this line of thought, yes, you should contact nursing homes. You want to touch the sick and dying. Go to them and touch them then. Make arrangements. Call Hospice. Give of your touch freely. Keep the massage ad going but give of your touch freely to those you contact FIRST. (Thank you, that helps me. Is there anything else you can think of to tell me now before I begin my physical tasks?) Yes, when you are driving to the store, I will be sitting beside you. Talk to me. We will begin an ACTIVE relationship even as you move around physically. I would point out to you to remain in a “being” consciousness instead of “doing”. Your mind becomes excessively active. Sometimes thrusting forward to anticipate and plan. But you are entering a new course of study here where you are going to see the finite results of NOT thinking, not planning, but allowing the energies to unfold with divine intent around you, no matter where, when or how you move. 

(That’s great. I’m looking forward to it. I will remember to hold my thinking ego in check and look to the Light. Is the image of the Light really there, my I Am Presence? Is that really my higher self - me?) Your relationship with your higher Self is a sacred and most intimate journey to reconnecting with all that is. I cannot comment on it. It is deeply sacred for you. Each person is at a different point of evolution back to wholeness.  (So, excuse me, but does that mean that you are not here for my personal evolution but for Anakosha?) In a sense that is true, although your integrating with more of what you are is also part of the unfolding of Anakosha. There are different energies at work here. I am here to guide, facilitate, help, advise, for I see from a larger perspective. 

(Are you the master I’ve been asking for?) (Laughter!) In a sense! (Laughter). (I get a glimpse of a sea of energy in which I am part. What I ask for is not relevant to the sea of energy. When energies align things happen differently. Thank you. I request an end to our session. I will see you in the car and at as many times as I can think of you.) My blessings to you. 


12/3/05 - The bliss that resides within the body 

In bedroom reading Sedona Journal. I ask my Presence and the Ascended Masters, what would you teach me today? I feel urged to receive communication via channeled writing. I have not done this in a while.
 
"Find your center, determine your direction as you were writing in your letter to spirit last night. You wish for many things. They are all possible. You have a support group forming to help you. Use your training and the art of bringing forth individual talents there are many who are waiting to hear from you. You hold a key to their hearts. Their egos too have been keeping them dangling ;and dancing about like puppets on a string - a string held not by a master but by a petty figure indeed. You are the master here, not the fearful ego. Let yourself shine through the ego’s murky fragmentation which so confuses. * Now! Your desires for classes are NOT from ego. They are from your own divinity. You are ready to teach and show the way. You have been waiting for support and so you shall have that support. You are ready to begin the spiritual activation of Anakosha.

"As you saw last night, the sexual group focus is the center of the flower. It is solid and attached to the stem running down to the ground and to the roots in the soil. You are now sensing the approaching energies of higher consciousness. This is the time you have been waiting for. The spiritual petals of the flower are ready to open. They have been closed in and over the sexual root chakra activity, allowing that focus and activity to grow in strength. As it has been growing in strength and focus it has been sending thought waves upward touching the higher realms, like bubbles from the bottom of the pond. Each bubble carries within its heart a spark of the divine. It seeks to rise and rejoin its Home, the eternal sea of light. Yet, it is trapped within a solid, or so it seems, body. Therefore it will seek its own level or vibrational frequency within the body within the windows of the soul - the chakras where pure bliss resides.

"It is time to speak of the bliss that resides within the body, for that is the peace that the people are seeking. You DO know the peace and the stillness within. The teaching about ego and its role in your life is a major step to your evolution to the starting point. You understand now, what has been holding you back. You have become wise to ego. You have stopped following its guidance, which has kept you dancing like a puppet on a string held by a small piece of illusion. Now you sit in peace with yourself. That which you call a cold, or bug, is a gift to you to help you take a much-needed rest from the puppet master - a fearful little thing who is not necessary in your larger plan. You know. Underneath, you know. Your letter to spirit has shifted your perception so that you can hear us and communicate by writing. We have given you many techniques and advice for you to use, not only for yourself, but to present them to others.

"You are ready to hold classes in the name of Anakosha, and finally activate the spiritual energy in that great group soul to come out and shine. It is the great missing piece to the magnificent puzzle which you have designed for yourself in this lifetime. Others will carry on the lower levels, the petty details and administration, for they WANT to do it. They are eager to do it. They are part and parcel with you. They await your coming out and moving forward with the spiritual plan. You will empower them to do THEIR job, when you are willing to do yours. Anakosha must be nurtured from the higher realms and only individuals awakening to their own higher potentials can do that nurturing. As you read recently, it is not in techniques or technology that the answer lies, but in awakening consciousness within the human heart. For THAT is where consciousness resides. The heart is an intelligent force, larger than the brain or mind, because it is one with all that is. Source. God/Goddess. Light. Through the awakening of the heart, individuals will begin to settle down and lose some of their attachment to chaos and linearity. It is about NOW time - where peace and serenity govern human life.

"We are here to serve you and guide you in this massive undertaking. We have sent people to you. Anakosha School of Oneness will thrive and grow internationally as your husband has said. He is one that we sent to you. God bless you, my beloved. We love you and honor you. You may call on us at ANY time. ANY time you need support in shedding the chaos and negative energies, call on us. We are always home! Namaste. Welcome to our ranks. You have a job to do and it shall be light.


10/8/08 - Advice to me by spirit, a trance-channeling
(This was written in trance-channeling during a time when I was contemplating how to write a book about my life. How do I begin? Where? I found this in my files later with no date on it, so I guessed the approximate time period and assigned this date.) 
 
Go deep within yourself and begin speaking to yourself, not to anyone else.  Only you, your lower and your higher consciousness, must work this out together.  It is a process. You do not owe the story to anyone, but you do owe this journal to yourself, to that part of you which is still outside of the law, which is waiting for you to collect it and bring it home.  As you do, you will breathe love and caring into those parts of you which are still scared, ashamed, guilty and alone.  The dark corners of yourself await recognition.  Embrace them and draw them into your loving embrace with a smile such as no other can give, radiating beauty and forgiveness, love without condition, happiness to finally be together once more. The programmed you has been rather fragmented and made to feel lesser than life.  As you speak to yourself in a rational, practical, and down-to-earth manner, allowing the love to emanate outward on all that you do, you will begin re-birthing your cosmic heritage.  As you draw forth the low pieces and allow them back into the picture of who you are, instead of denying them and rejecting them, memory will start to unfold.
 
You have been a higher consciousness struggling to lower yourself into a dense, mechanical world, which you do not fit in your natural state.  It has been hard for you to shut off the unrestricted love for all beings. Your direction has been downward, but you have not done it very well. You have fought it all the way.  Do you not know that it is only as you accept the downward direction that you will succeed?  Only as you enter the finite world and shine your light into the dense fog and confusion around you, that you begin your journey home.  You have chosen to embody the light in a physical world.  It was your choice.  In order to succeed, you must walk the walk that you foretold for yourself.  Now, go.  Gather the facts of this embodiment together from the time you were born from your mother's womb, and you will make some uncanny discoveries.  Join the world you have chosen.  Re-member your route in, and the turnoffs you made on your journey.  Remember the mountains and the valleys and the cities and the oceans you traveled.  Re-member the parts.  Re-map the route by which you arrived and you will back yourself out of this place.  I promise, you will remember.  Your ancient and eternal memories are close at hand.
 
You have had flashes of your higher personage and you have identified with that higher aspect of yourself because it was so much more complete than what you have experienced in the lower, physical plane.  You have not been able to put the beauty of allness together in the lower physical plane.  You have struggled in your attempts to do so.  This book is all about putting the scraps of attempts together and begin the final re-cognition process of why you struggled so hard, and what you were hoping to accomplish.  There is great value in what you have done.  The pieces are of a puzzle which, when complete, will birth a cosmic personality who came to Earth with a mission.  You have not identified with the lower personality well, but this book will help you to complete your task. Go ahead, identify with it!  Your struggle will be at an end when you are done.  Life on Earth is restricted.  Your memory has been broken up and scattered.  Veils have been placed over your eyes.  Your brain has been short-circuited.  Yet you still remember your heritage.  Memories come and go as bleed-throughs from time to time.  You have wanted to write about these flashes but have you really wanted to tell someone else? Or have you simply wanted to speak them out loud to yourself, to cement them into your being? I say the latter. You do not need someone else's ear to accomplish this task.  Speak to Me.  Speak to your Self. Tell yourself what you know, tell yourself what you remember.  Regale yourself with tales of your earth mission.
 
Your physical brain and body have come to terms with your cosmic self, and your cosmic self has accepted your physical brain and body.  They are fusing. As you write and speak to yourself, you will cement it forever into one being. Your life on earth has been restricted to an outer culture and other people mentality.  Your inner awareness has remained secret and unacknowledged.  Your awareness has been turned upside down, and inside out, so that you are looking outward for answers, and in all the wrong places. Your inner life retreated to a small place. As you journal, you will draw out the inner, draw in the outer, until they mesh, putting the bits and pieces together on one string, chronologically, like pearls on a necklace, both inner and outer experience.  In the end the journal will express your complete story, inner and outer, the full, connected story of not what you did after you came into embodiment, but who you are.  It will be an awesome story.  It will amaze you.  Not because of what you did, but the why and how.  The process. The reason for your moves will become apparent. You will understand your journey, and your journey is not yet over.  
 
Some pearls on your string will be more luminescent than others.  Some will be dull, some will be shocking, some will be fearful, some will be embarrassing, but you must include all of the pearls on the string, as you tell your story.  You must pull together every part of your history, for it is part of your re-calling.  It is part of your calling of yourself back home, for there are bits and pieces out there of yourself floating in the air disconnected from one another. Now is the time for the great accounting.  It is an ascending process as you climb the ladder of source.  You are your own source and so you return to your own source, your re-source. What others say about you have no meaning now.  You are your own audience and critic.
 
The greatest value of your journaling will not be in the finished product as seen in a bound hard-covered book that you can give to your children.  It will be in your processing.  It will be in the accounting.  It will be in the re-call.  As you recall the events and honor them, you will bring freedom to that part of you that was trapped in each episode that you caused for yourself.  As you recall them, lift them up into the light as you would a gem found in the earth, to examine them for content. Allow them to shine within your consciousness, absorb their power and energy back into yourself.  Recall them home.  As you speak of your history in this embodiment, you infuse this embodiment. Put this life into an order, so to speak, as if you were making a count of inventory. You do this so that you may finish your work here.  Not finish in the sense of "die" but finish in the sense of completing your fragmentation and beginning a life of wholeness, for that is Home.  Home is not "somewhere else beyond".  Home is where your heart is.  You do not need to leave the Earth to find Home, nor leave the situation you find yourself in to experience completion and wholeness.  The work on Earth has been human work, an outer work, but when you are done with the human work, you must begin living as an immortal. You will become that which you came to accomplish becoming.  
                 
As you journal your journey, you will at long last give yourself permission to speak of the flashes of cosmic memory and the visions, for they are a rich and crucial part of this embodiment.  They have colored you real. Perhaps they did not fit into your physical life before, but as you weave the inner and outer life together, you will find them fitting in more easily. Do not be afraid to speak of the visions. Being fully present in every moment is much more rare than you might imagine, yet that is truly the only way that you can fully experience yourself as the Presence of God ~ and how else can God really come to Earth except through you and all life that is living on your planet? We are filled with delight just knowing that so many of you are beginning to respond to your divine invitation to embody your Presence.
 
Do not be afraid to speak of the visions. They really happened for you and you were conscious of them happening.  This is the story you have wanted to tell for a long, long time, but you thought you were going to tell it for the benefit of your children.  That is not true.  You are going to tell it for the sake of your own awakening process.  Become real with yourself.  Become honest with yourself. Remember your struggle. Remember why you came to Earth.  Remember each time you moved from one situation to another.  Remember who you were in the gaps in between.  And most of all remember that you created it for yourself.  This is your life.  You journied here alone, remember?  You journied here with the others on that grand mother ship that you recall, to live as a servant to the great ones of the Light.  Remember?  Now, record your story for the archives, for one day you will want to examine the richness of this time, even as one recalls the legends of ancient eras on your planet.  Remember that your life is rich and that you are important.  Remember that you do not live this life for others, but you live this life for your Self.  This life is truly noble.  It is blessed and ensouled by the God that you are.
 
Approach people with a clear picture of how far their aura extends.  The radiation from a person or object is the real body of that person.  Begin touching people by touching first their aura.  Approach them on that level. This is the beginning of living in the world of love. As you start interacting with auras you will grow in appreciation of yourself.  As your awareness grows and fills your cells and tissues, you will cultivate love within the fields of your being.  This is the first lesson.  You are moving beyond abstract knowledge now, into the emotions of the thing itself.  As you learn the process, record the process.  The secret is to stop focusing on the hard edges of physicality and begin focusing on the non-physical energies, which are feelings and which must be felt rather than observed.  Of necessity, you must employ feelings and senses. That which hovers invisibly in the air between you is felt not through physical touch but through the emotional sensations. When you approach a person, at what distance in space do you feel them?  
 
(From another channeling with the same theme:) Focus on the visions, not your physical outer life. Collect the visions into a file for a book. You can put minor outer world information in smaller print. The major book is about the spiritual breakthrough and what it is like. Put this into words so others can more easily identify what is happening in their own spiritual lives. Love from my higher self.
                                            

9/25/12 - Lowering the Divine Plan into humanity

This morning I saw the purpose of the guardian race while preparing to insert my bottom partial which hurts if I don’t do it with care,  so I stopped and asked my angels and guides to please assist me that this would be smooth and easy, no pain. Suddenly the heavens opened and it was revealed to me how the divine plan is lowered into the physical. I gently settled the partial in and it fit like magic into place without pain. What I saw in that momentary flash was so smooth and so easy words cannot describe it. I saw layers of densities which were intelligences, from the lowest and closest to earth on up to the highest and closest to a brilliant white light. The closest to earth were the devas and devic kingdoms, also known as the elementals. Then the spirit guides who are close to us who used to live on earth who are here nudging us and feeding us with information from their side of the veil. Then there are the angels who have never lived on earth before, who retain the purity of spirit and the heavens. Then there are archangels and the ascended masters and more. I am sure there were more. I didn’t see these as separate in any way. It was rather more an awareness of how it works. These are only the names of beings that I can think of to describe it in words. In the vision though, they really were not separate but one grand wholeness of intelligence, increasing in density the nearer to earth (for lack of a better word). All of this combined is the Spiritual Hierarchy that surrounds the earth and covers us like a blanket of intelligence and love, which actually protects, nurtures and embraces the physical world and tries to uphold it and feed it.

The divine plan comes down from the highest and lightest point, God, or Creator, and it comes down, gently, carefully, handed down from intelligence to intelligence to intelligence, through the channels of awe and reverence to, for and from the beloved Prime Creator, descending ever lower as it passes through the waiting and receptive entities that receive it and pass it on down further  on the ladder to finally reach the dense earth. All in the entire spiritual hierarchy is completely in harmony and in love. It is Earth that breaks the chain of reverence. Being covered with sentient beings who are the receivers of this magnificent plan to embody divinity on Earth, from animals to rocks to trees to water, mountains, fields and the elementals, everything works except humanity. The most important rung in the ladder is missing. The guardian race, humanity, is known as the stewards of the Earth, but they are not fully operative. Meaning we human beings who are not (yet) fully conscious and aware of receiving a most beautiful divine plan as it is lowered carefully down through density into form through awe and reverence. Those who are below us in evolution are not aware yet of the significance of lowering a divine plan into physicality. For billions of years the Earth has been trying to evolve a guardian race to become fully conscious to fill this role, but each time something happened to abort the plan. ET intervention, the dark manipulations, the floods, etc. But we are getting close to becoming fully conscious. The end of the cosmic cycle is on us.


11/25/13 - Building physical energy

Today I am seeing that I need to connect with Earth more. It is the feminine or the electron energy vs. the masculine or positive energy. I am seeing (-) for feminine earth and (+) for sky energy. I am seeing my whole life experience has been (+), spiritual, off planet. I am here to merge, blend, unify with (-) earth energy. I am in a female body but I am very sky/masculine. I kept going back UP seeking for my comfort zone, where I am comfortable, as though it were missing from my life. I was struggling to reconnect with sky when my mission was to connect with earth. That is why I came. I wasn’t getting it. Now, suddenly, earthing comes into my life, the book, the teaching, the documentary, the earthing mat, and also BPEarthWatch, the scientist who posts on that show, to give me a clue about the Schuman field being yang (+) and Earth the planet or ground being yin (-). The ancients knew this all along. I’m now understanding and going to the Earth.

This morning as I was tapping into my Presence above me, I was aware that I need to stop doing that - or at least give 50% of my attention to the earth below me. Instead of 100% going up, I need to divide my attention to 50% up and 50% down, connecting with earth. I couldn’t do this before. All of my being wanted to go up. Now, a great change has taken place. When I do physical exercise and not meditation-visualization for days at a time I build up physical electric energy. My body feels energized, not peaceful. I get into a stream of movement that builds and builds. It increases into a strong momentum and I feel wired and excited. But then I reach a point where I feel a bit crazed as if I cannot maintain this stream of action and I sense I am falling apart. It’s too much. Then I must do a morning meditation of 2 or 3 hours. This soothes me so much that I am useless for any activity. I am back in balance with my nature. I am in the zone. I am in a trance-like state. It is peaceful. It is serene. If the house burned down I would simply go outside. It wouldn’t rattle me the way it would rattle me if I were in the high-motion state. 

Over the years I have been playing back and forth between this yin and yang energy. I was able to balance it well with Bob Adler and the Zephyhills days because I hugged a lot of people. But since I have been with Doug I have not been balancing as well. Maybe I am doing better because I am understanding it more. I’m not sure. I do feel progress in my understanding. The perfect balance point would be to feel clear and energized but peaceful and balanced simultaneously. Now with the earthing material I’ve found the solution I think, or the next step in my progress. I was alert and up this morning in a natural state. I was outdoors barefoot on grass for 40 minutes yesterday and used the grounding mat all night. I was neither groggy nor achy when I got up. Nor was I mentally clear and alert, anxious to get going. I was rather comfortable and naturally moved forward without psyching myself up, or having to do exercise. This is a middle zone. It is halfway. It is balance. I like it.

When I am groggy I do chakra and meridian visuals while still lying in bed without movement. I can activate the energy so I can get moving, but I didn’t have to do that this morning. I was already activated but comfortably so. I wanted to get this down in writing to remind myself. It was a clear step forward. In the kitchen I am seeing that action causes my electrons or electricity to flow faster. I sense the electrons moving faster. I can feel them all through my body. There is a zinging and buzzing. Then when I sit down and go into neutral (mentally) like when I sit on the chair in the grass and look at the sky, I can feel that buzzing come to a rest. Yang is movement. Yin is stationary and more peaceful. Yang is creative. It is moving towards something. There needs to be an agenda for me to keep moving. I have for years kept lists and added to the list, the to-do list. It worked for a while but it’s difficult to keep up. I see the tasks to do and I write them down, but I am unable to complete the task. I will not give up though. I am merely becoming more conscious. We are moving, as a civilization and as a planet, towards full consciousness. Sheldon Nidle of the Sirians’ teachings.


6/17/14 - Releasing treasure chests full of jewels

During my practice time this morning, in the middle of meditation, I stopped long enough to call in the MIAP and also the violet flame. During that time I asked for the violet flame to enter into the subconscious and into areas that are hidden. I am seeing a chest, like a treasure chest, and I am opening it and looking inside. But what’s inside is not old stuff but jewels, gem stones, diamonds, glittery things, and I realize that these are the things I have held closest to me, not revealing them but holding onto them because they are so valuable. I see them as beautiful. They are not sinful or bad or evil at all. They are precious and that is why I have held onto them and not revealed them. They are sacred to me. And now I am releasing them upward into the light. I am sending them Home. I am saying, “Here, take these. These are my stories. I am giving them to you so that you may add them to the overall sea of consciousness. I release them, I let them go. Take them. And I see the glittering diamonds going upward out of the darkness of my cellar, my underground, where they were hidden away. These are my stories and I am releasing them back Home to the light. I am adding to the Light my adventures and my wisdoms gained. And then I am seeing further down into the darkness of my subconscious and I am seeing treasure chest after treasure chest after treasure chest going off into the darkness until I can no longer see them any more. And I say, “Abracadabra - Open!” And all of the chests fly open and out of them come more jewels, more diamonds, pearls, rubies, precious stones of all kinds. They are just a little dusty because they have been carefully hidden away and preserved. Totally beyond my sight. I didn’t know they were there. This morning I released them all. I opened all of the chests and let the gems and jewels free to fly upward into the light to go Home. This was done very methodically and consciously. I spoke the words out loud as they came to me. And then I resumed my exercises.


8/2/14 - I know things as if I am the knowledge itself

I did inner movements for half an hour and really connected. It’s amazing how the cells tingle. I can feel them. They are fuzzy and warm. Peaceful. The movements bring knowledge. I called them visions before but it’s really knowledge. It feels like my cells are floating in something more fluid than normal. (I am lying on the massage table now.) I feel like closing my eyes. Earlier I had invited the kundalini energy - that which is bigger than me and knows more than me - to reenter my life and rejuvenate my body the way it did in the early days. It was slow getting started but it gradually mesmerized me. I found myself often staring at one thing outside - a leaf or a book - but I was actually focusing on infinity, silence, non-movement while my body was moving slowly in the dance-like motion. Toward the end the snake rippling movement began and I invited it but I noticed the exhaustion of my muscles came quickly. I wanted to keep going. My mind was willing and I said, “It’s OK, I will keep going.” But it stopped anyway without my deciding. Now I am sitting up, writing this. I feel my old body [76 years old] but I feel the soft flow cradling my cells. This is so amazing. I don’t have this feeling when I do my normal ritual exercises and decree work. All these years I have been following exercise techniques but THIS is what I should have been following. The Adam Kadmon is the crystal body, known as the Christ body or crystalline body. Angels and elementals are in harmony when I am following this flow. I am knowing things again as if I am the knowledge itself.
 

8/3/14 - It's not just kundalini, it's the angels descending

It’s not just kundalini, it’s the angels descending and connecting with kundalini, the earth energy. I have been mistaken all these years, thinking it was kundalini rising that gave me the soaring experience, but it was also the angel of myself descending, as indeed I have recorded as much. Father coming down, mother coming up, meeting in me, my body, and merging there. Wow! It’s an expansion of my former perception. Just a slight shift. That’s why they call it the angel dance. Bring the love down. Kundalini does not have that divine love that the angels do, so we open to the Earth power to connect. Earth is an anchor to hook onto like a ship ties up at dock after being buffeted by the seas and storms. It holds her steady while being loaded and unloaded, for the time when she unhooks and moves out to sea again. But the god-man and god-woman must ground themselves in order to bring the divine plan to Earth for themselves, to learn how to stay anchored to the Earth but without falling into the trap of the lower dimensions of the animals and elements. His purpose is to raise the elements and the bodies he occupies to higher dimensions, through focus and attention on higher, more ethical, more moral ways that are re-vitalizing, resurrecting, clean, healthy, regenerating, instead of losing vitality and decaying and growing old physically, mentally and emotionally losing his sensitivity and appreciation to the finer graces of life. His job is to study, observe and learn how to live this god-like way, healthy, wholesome and respectful of himself first, and all others as a mirror reflection of his own god-qualities - beauty courage and refinement. Bring love to Earth, angel love. Let angel love superimpose, lay over on top of, human love.
 

1l0/21/15 - Healing the ancestors with sister who passed

In Northboro for Shirley’s memorial service and burying of her ashes in the Peinze plot at Northboro cemetary. I am sleeping in Carolyn’s room while Henry sleeps in another room. When I got up Carolyn and Henry had gone to the senior center so I opened the bedroom door and went outside and sat in a chair on the little deck. I went into an altered state quickly. A lawnmower is making noise. It is John, Susie's husband next door. I welcome the motorized sound. I acknowledge the intelligence of the metal that makes up the lawnmower. I thank it for taking care of human needs. The sound is now purring and soft. John's spirit allows me to synch with the motor and metal and sound.
 
My thoughts now recognize all the metal appliances in the neighborhood which often go unacknowledged yet continue to serve mankind endlessly. I thank them for their service to mankind. Suddenly I am omming in sync with the hum of the lawnmower. I have to adjust the pitch to be in tune with the lawnmower. I find the right tone and omm together with the sound. Suddenly Shirley is over my head omming with me. Or maybe that's when I become conscious of her.
 
While we are omming - Shirley and me and the lawnmower - Shirley is tellimg me, or rather transferring knowledge to me of her association with Guruji, the Jains, and she is opening herself up to channel even more than what she knew or had absorbed while in body. There is then a widening and a sense of lineage that extends out into forever. She is like a portal. Shirley is directing at this point, now that I look back on it, as if we were a blended being. I see this more from hindsight. I (we) invited the ancestors of my father and mother to come forward. My father's line came from the right and my mother's line came from the left. Later I recalled a yoga teaching that confirmed the right and left direction for male and female energies as they flow up the spine. but that's beside the point.
 
There were multitudes who started to come forward.. My father's line came from Germany with a certain "feel" and my mother's line came from I don't know where - it was more vague and it felt softer. There were all shapes, sizes and textures of human beings, and many were damaged and missing parts of themselves, both on my father's side and on my mother's side.
 
I welcomed them and I hugged the first one, and as I did I was hugging them all, simultaneously. They seemed to be all one, yet separate and in need of healing, and it seemed I was able to heal them all because I knew how to love human beings unconditionally. I think it was both me and Shirley doing this together, jointly, combining our abilities and our knowledge.
 
I feel that this is Shirley's greatest desire. She wants to unite the families. And she wants our immediate families to remain connected and not lose track of each other. But we saw that the families extend far, far beyond what we expected!! We are connected through our genes to so many! The ancestors as spoken of by indigenous tribes, now become real. They are all connected to me. To us. I am connected to each one of them who are too many to count or find names for. We are the human family. We all carry parts of each other in our makeup. Our genetic material.
 
I felt overwhelmed by this horde of family. As I hugged them, I hugged them close, like a lover intimately, stroking their heads, which were wounded, and their necks and shoulders and arms and backs and legs and feet, as if making them whole again wherever I touched, by welcoming them and honoring them. And by honoring one I was honoring all in my lineage and I don't know how far this extends. It seems forever.
 
This all took place outside of time. It didn't take long in minutes. I remained in a quiet state for quite a while. Then Carolyn and Jeanne arrived to discuss memorial preparations for tomorrow. They seem to have it all covered, including Fran who is bringing lunch for 75 people. That's all for now. Thank you Shirley.
 

8/18/17 - The brilliant spark of God light thru massage 

I was groggy this morning. Slept on the magnetic mat again last night. I feel like I have to activate a completely dead body. I am bringing light down into it, though, and it works. It just takes time. I did decrees during movements and it was lovely, but even before beginning I received the following:
 
“Your origins are a brilliant spark. You are a pure and holy brilliant spark of God Light and from that YOU are born, or patterned, designed to be who you are today as a form. Out of pure white light you were formed into what you are today, except you are not expressing that beautiful divine YOU! You are covered over with weavings of impure energies that you have accumulated over many lifetimes. But underneath and woven throughout your entire being is that beautiful pure white gold that is pure and holy. So what you were designed in the original pattern of you is not your physical of today, which shows marks of age and decay, but you as you can imagine yourself to be in the prime of life radiating perfect health and vitality. As you can imagine yourself in the most exquisite ideal perfect form, majestic and graceful and refined, however you can imagine yourself as the ideal form, you are beginning to line up your imperfect human form with the ideal perfect form and truth that you were created to be. Imagination is your greatest tool. You are much more than you can imagine but your imagination is the highest and best tool we have to begin this work. It is called “visualization”.
 
“Working with imagination and visualization is how we sharpen our consciousness and RAISE our consciousness to more ideal planes of existence. It is how we sharpen our consciousness skills and talents. We improve ourselves through visualizing perfection in form. While we are only temporarily living in a limited material body, it is possible to rejuvenate it so that it lives a long and prosperous life, longer than our ancestors did. We can even ascend the body and become an immortal, but let’s stay within the realm of the possible right now. We are pure mind, pure heart, pure soul, buried inside an impure mind, heart and soul. But our most precious asset is our consciousness. Our ability to use our minds and choose what thoughts we entertain - that is our greatest asset. We can be poor in body and what we own, but we can be the richest person on earth in our own minds. By using the gifts of the spirit that is what I refer to as “the gold” within us. We have golden radiance within us or we wouldn’t be alive today. It is the golden radiance within us that gives us the breath of life. It is the immortal aspect of us. We are a part of the great source. We ARE the great source. And so are the people around us. They don’t know it yet, but we are about to begin remembering.
 
“The body is a house we built for ourselves when we came to live on Earth as a babe. But before that we were part of a great sea of consciousnesses. To be born here we have to reduce our greatness or we wouldn’t be able to identify with this world. We have to identify with this world and all the others in form. Now during massage swaps when we start touching one another with this consciousness of being “more”, when we start loving one another with hands of light and love, we will start feeling goodness and peace. These are memories. Feelings of goodness, love and being loved are memories of our parent source, where we came from. Sensations in the physical body are feelings of that original love that made us, that is our home, that is the source of our breath and heartbeat. These sensations of love that we will stimulate in each other are remembering the great love we came from. We will feel good. Good is the best down-to-earth word to use. Just feel good with yourself. If you’re striving to make someone else feel good, you’re working too hard. Just allow yourself to feel good. We’re going to swap being the massager and the massagee. You give, then you receive. Then you give again and then you receive. We remember how good we can feel. Memories of the golden radiance that is woven in through our darker threads of unhappy energies we’ve accumulated - this is healing. Feeling good is tapping into who we are in the ideal perfection . Peace and bliss are memories of who we are. Light beings flowing down into physical bodies. We can appreciate being human when we can feel good, happy, joyous and peaceful. On Wednesdays, from a human perspective, we’re just sitting there fully clothed touching fingers or faces, or maybe lying down on the mat and hugging, again fully clothed, but we are remembering when we are conscious and aware of this fact. Yes. it’s a fact and it’s a truth. This is the foundation of Tantric teachings.
 
“Each person must develop the awareness of the golden radiance within, alone. By him or herself. It is an inner awareness that must be developed. We must touch lightly. It is in conscious touching that we connect with the golden radiance within the other person - or try to - because we don’t have control over the other person’s consciousness. In ancient times a tantric master would teach a student separately for many months or years, until the student was ready to work with a partner, and he would pair them up to share the golden energy together. But while it took many years in past ages, today we are moving into a new age, a new golden age, where the light is radiating at a much faster and higher rate of speed into people, whether they know it or not. It’s happening to all who live upon the planet, even though they are not mentally aware of it. I yearn to begin sharing and showing how beautiful golden touch can be and it must be done without thinking “sex”. Lovemaking is a whole, completely different type of interaction than sex is. Making love when both partners are conscious of the radiance of love within them and being able to maintain that inner state of love within themselves, then making love is out of this world. Literally. It’s on another plane. It starts out beautiful, so warm, so endearing, so emotional, and it grows from there.
 
“That is what the love club intends to share and practice through massage swaps. We must start gently so the hungry ones, and you know the type, someone who is so hungry for touch that they rush you and pressure you into actions that you are not ready for. But we are all needy. Every one of us. So it‘s not “them“ we have to watch out for, but ourselves. We each have to learn how to not push and not pressure others, but always having the beautiful goal as an ideal lying ahead, waiting for ‘someday’. Not some ONE, but some day when we can hold onto love within our own hearts. Then we will attract like a moth is attracted to a flame, we will attract someone of equal vibration. So let us grow our feelings of goodness through massage. Loving touch massage. It is sensual in the sense that it is warm, but all over warm. It’s not intended to turn on the genitals. The genitals have to let go. Let go of the genital turn-on feeling. Let the feelings flow all over the body. Grow your memories of that love that exists all over the body in every cell, every molecule, every atom. Grow your LIGHT body which is your LOVE body, expand the LIGHT which holds the love safe in a higher plane, out of range of the impure thought.
 
“We need to expand our capacity to receive love in more places than the lingam and yoni. We grow our capacities to bring love into all parts of the body, into every nook and cranny of our physical form. Our bodies must be refined enough to receive these loving divine energies that are so holy, so pure, and the human body is capable of receiving it. It IS! People call it rapture, or nirvana, but human beings have been there before, both in solitude, and in partnership, as this is what ancient tantra masters taught to the few who were ready.
 
“Imagine a weaving of very fine hair-thin threads of light criss-crossing all through your body. Very, very fine, so fine they are invisible to the eye. These are on the etheric plane. Some weaves are thicker than others, and all of them are connected to the larger etheric spot lights that are called chakras placed at strategic points in the body. Chakras are where the pure golden love-light is held on higher planes. It can’t come into an impure place so it is up to the individual to begin the learning process. That is what the love club is going to do.”
 

9/6/17 - Consciousness is Love!

Love is contained not in the physical body itself but in the consciousness that resides in the physical body, or is moving through the physical body like electricity moves through a light bulb lighting it up and casting a radiance around it. We are that consciousness that is streaming non-stop through this body. Much of what we radiate out into the atmosphere is not constructive, which means it is DESTRUCTIVE. It is no wonder that the earth is hurting and in pain and is revolting through earthquakes and storms. The love is not contained in the physical body of the tree, love is contained in the consciousness of the tree. Love is not contained in the body of the fish or the blade of grass, but in the consciousness of the fish and the blade of grass. Consciousness is alive and loving. Consciousness is the life force. Consciousness is the livingness and the lovingness and the peacefulness that supports the physical and the physical thrives upon it. But we don’t see it. We take the physical like we take a piece of meat and hold it in our hands and examine it for flaws. We don’t see that it is the consciousness that is the light of the body and the love of the body.


1/25/18 - Becoming embodied & remembering when the earth almost died

This morning I had a meditation that was awesome. During the standing movements while doing the decrees out loud, the toning began, the syllables, the ancient light language. Very strong. I saw that they were releasing old energies in my cells. The tones were fast and strong and jarring loose ancient debris. My cells were spinning faster. There was sensation in my body. I was quivering. I was in a space of unusual movement where cells were floating in feeling sensation. Finally I laid down on the massage table and just felt it. I was not in trance as I’ve been in the past. I was not out of body. I was IN BODY!  I was consciously waking up my body. I was very aware of Kuthumi, of DK retreating but there. I laid still a long time and noticed the picture on the wall near my head, of the star ship looking down at Earth.

Again, I remembered seeing the earth from that vantage point. I saw, or became of aware of, no, I saw it, that the earth almost died. It was a very deep, dark, black solid globe on the verge of being destroyed. The little seeds of light, of souls that had come to earth, were deeply buried down there in the blackness, all covered over. They were going to die along with the earth. It was too solid. Too deep. Too dense. The little seeds of light were unable to germinate because the darkness was so great. I cried. And then something happened. There came a little spark of light. Once in Caymen Islands with Doug and sister Shirley I saw this same vision. A black globe of earth, no light whatsoever, and then a pinpoint of light came and embedded itself into the blackness. I think it came from above, not from within the earth. Yes. And then another one came, a spark of light in another location. And then another one. And there were strings of light attached to them, as if they were hooked to a higher place, maybe so they wouldn’t be lost. I saw this again today. The earth has been saved. I can see these things. My body was continually floating in sensation of quivering. Finally I got off the massage table and came downstairs. 


3/4/18 - Wrapping the arms of spirit around flesh bodies 

Streaming consciousness this morning. We keep trying to love, when we ARE love. We keep trying to be nice, when we ARE nice. We keep trying to maintain harmony when we ARE harmony. We keep trying to find joy and bliss when we ARE joy and bliss. We keep trying to copy our parent when we ARE our parent. The love, joy, bliss and harmony are built in. We are the human trying to become the god when we ARE the God. Our trying is creating something artificial. Last night during massage club, in the living room demo with three couples sitting around on the sofas, and I was massaging Mike on the low table in the center - oh, I felt so unworthy. I was trying. I was trying to do something and I didn’t know what to do. Humbled, awkward, all this knowledge I’ve been getting from spirit - I wanted so much to tell them about it. I was trying but the words were falling on deaf ears. I was trying and they weren‘t interested. I realized then that this was my own projections that I was pushing out onto them, and I was meant to let it go. I had to let it go. I had to stop doing that but I didn’t realize it at the time. I was scared, thwarted, felt incompetent. Where was this powerful person I thought I was going to become? I was in the throes of releasing my projections and returning to essence mind. I wanted to teach and share with them all the knowledge that I have been accumulating, the chakras and meridians, such powerful stuff I have been learning about, but nobody was prepared to hear. It was falling on deaf ears.

This morning realization struck. All this knowledge is for ME, not for them. It’s MY journey. It’s all for ME. I am to do something with this, not mimic the beautiful words like a parrot. I’m not to teach in this way but transform myself. Then I can act with power. Then I can embody it and become it. Let others find their own way. I’ve got to shut up parroting my teachers and embody this wisdom instead.
 
This is the essence mind, per Master DK. When I am in essence mind I don‘t know what to do because “I“ am not real. There is no “I” in essence mind. There is only awareness. I am empty of self, empty of personality. I am simply aware. When I finally accepted letting go of the trying, I said, “I don’t know what to do here,” while I kept massaging on Mike and loving him, and talking, unsure what I said, and I’m massaging and looking into their eyes and feeling the love flowing and I kept talking, and I felt that I was connecting with something in them. Each one different, of course. But I felt the power of the within coming out and I saw some changes in the faces of the people. In particular, the two new couples. A man, Randy and his wife, Marcia. I saw Marcia reach out to me through her eyes, and later she teared up when she said good bye, she was close to the surface, but her husband also followed suit. On the outside he was an abrupt man, loud, talkative, type A, but he quieted down later in the upstairs massage room. I was massaging Mike on the second table so I saw him. He was being massaged by Debra who was doing a magnificent thing with him - she was LOVING him!  I was so happy to see the love flowing, the genuine within flowing outward. This morning I realize that I myself was shedding last night some old programming. I told them I am also learning, not teaching. I am shedding old stuff. The desire to “teach” others what I “know”, I can’t do this!!! They already know what they know.
 
They ARE already the Gods of their being, they just need to be coaxed to come out and dare to BE the love that they are within. Be the within, outwardly. Oh, it’s so beautiful. This morning I am in love with life. I love you. I love you. Thank you. I love you. Doug interrupts. We go upstairs to bond. Wow. I am glistening like a diamond in the sun. So many rays. I am in school constantly, receiving new information in a steady, unending flow. And not just one subject at a time. It’s not linear. It’s all coming in at once. Five or six or seven different important pieces of information simultaneously, hitting my consciousness and flooding the interior of my understanding so deep there is no bottom to my ability to hold this information. I am becoming the information. The three couples plus M and even M who was not there, a key and important sacrifice on her part to allow M to participate alone, all of them were significant rays of light. And not just one ray from each one, but multiple rays from each one. Talk about multidimensional!

My bonding with Doug this morning was amazing, once again. And I told him. He was going to quit because he couldn’t come, but I guess I urged him on with my telling him that, yes, I DID enjoy it. That it’s like darkness before the dawn where you can sense the dawn coming but it’s not here yet so there is an anticipation, and then slowly the darkness lightens. It’s slow and the darkness is there but there is a feeling coming of light, the light is coming, and I am urging it on, anticipating it, urging it, loving, wanting it, and it’s coming and lighting up everything around me and in me. I am being lightened, enlightened by the rays that are coming, but it is slow and I can sense the tiredness of his body. Can he keep it up? I am waiting and the rays keep coming, the tiredness goes away, a new surge and the light keeps coming and sometimes I want to stop waiting, stop anticipating, stop wanting, and just be in the moment, be in the pause where everything stops because the light is coming now and I want to be here and ready to receive it. And then it slips back again and so I once more allow the slipping back and allow myself to slide back, and the rays recede somewhat and I accept that. And then there is a renewal and a restart and the rays coming in again, and I can sense the sun.
 
It’s very close, it’s near to the tops of the dark trees and ready to break through. My body tingles and allows it to happen. It knows it’s coming, the sun. The light. The life. The beauty and the grace and the divine presence is coming. I’m here now in the pause and the rays come over me and gently flow and complete me, and I am at peace. How different. Peculiar from the old days when there was so much passion. I am reminded that the two most ancient philosophies, Tantra and Taoism, both say that sexuality is the key to higher consciousness. I want to write about sexuality this morning. I must address this issue. Something I want to record here, it‘s important: I saw it while driving a couple days ago. The sweetness between human beings cannot take place easily due to the commercial aspect of money tinging everything with a corrupt value. Nothing is seen as pure or real, but is contaminated with “what is it worth to you?” That is why I am doing this for free, with a minor donation to help pay for direct costs (food and lotion) but not as income for me. It is free what I do so it can remain pure, done out of the sweetness of love which I saw in the movie today.
 
(DK channeling from 1995 journal:) “The tranquility of higher consciousness coming through into flesh via the erotic lifestyle is a rare activity and we would tap it and use it and bring it forth, bring it forth into the outer world for all to see. We wish you to write your messages and talk to the people. Do not try to give something tiny at home in a controlled way, but give outward in a big way. Allow them to mix as you are mixing your own life together. The outer and the inner. Allow the old and the new to merge and mix. They will create a new personality for you to show the world. Let yourself shine, and tell the others to let themselves shine, too. When they are all shining, you will merge together to form a flowering pod, an essence of holiness that will emerge into the world as a fifth dimensional flower, a flower of peace and abundance, wrapping the arms of spirituality around the flesh bodies and lifting them up higher and higher. We are ready to receive the flesh bodies into spirit light. We are there, waiting for the bodies to rise, to lift them up, we want them to look up, to smile at us and to wonder where we are hiding.”
 

4/17/18 - Message from the Presence: You are a star-based being

Dear LLL (lord of living light), the longing to connect with others is SO deep, but it is proving hopeless to “make” a group of givers happen. The visions that have prodded me through the years -- ? I thank you for your consistent efforts to get through to me. After reading the journal entry of 4/17/82, boy! Do I have to laugh at myself. It is not hopeless, is it? It is amazingly clear. (lump in throat.) My dear heavenly father-mother, there is no choice. It is difficult, though, to leave them, the people who are searching for answers when I know so much, but then the ascended masters must also feel the same way. I have no choice. I must stop  “trying”. I am nearly done reading the journals. Oh, I hate to say it, but I must - I give up!! I surrender. Yet even as I put the words on paper a surge of wanting grows. Why? Why do I receive so much yearning? You have been directing me to YOU! My higher Self within. Does that mean I should give up trying to “do” something for the people? I want to help?! How can I help?! The whole? How can I lift the whole!? If I can’t help “them” too? I can “lift” myself, but what about them? I am reading Lady Portia’s address through Star Hinman and it causes a question to pop up, using Blossom’s terms - OMG! I am being blended with star-based beings, am I not?
 
A: My beloved, you ARE a star-based being! Finally, you are acknowledging your source. It is no accident - emphasis on NO accident, that you have a joint website alongside Anakosha. Can you NOW take your focus off wanting to help others and simply BE who and what you are and always have been? The couple from Fleetwood, England who wrote to you in the wee hours of the English morn, have recognized you. You bring star-based knowledge. The people are following your light as you lay it down upon the earth planet. YOU are the star-based source of information and frequencies. You do not help them by narrowing your focus to a few small number. The numbers you are helping are those who read your websites, and even though they do not stumble INTO your websites, your frequencies are blended and merged with the planetary frequencies. Your energy in the familiar pattern that you exude and send out over the internet has already lifted the whole of the Earth planet. Do not put yourself down. Do not continue to humble yourself so low, dear one, recognize. Realize. Make that much needed inner connection, for that simple acceptance of who you are will answer your questioning.

Do you remember the dream so long ago of arriving with others, in a great mother ship, to earth, and on that great ship you were serving plates of food to the masters who were sitting at a banquet table. That, my dear friend, was real. You are active. The masters cannot do what YOU can do. They depend upon YOU to follow the path and not become lost in the thicket caused by other’s needs. You are not here to oblige or fill or help the empty longings of other people, other souls. The longing for touch that YOU feel, is a radiated longing from others. You live in a world of unfulfilled needs. You have come to lift them, not to pour your attention which is your life energy, into the holes and the lack and the dark, for life will be lost in such an endeavor. You are here to lift through enlightenment. The darkness is dark because of lack of light. Light has not reached into those places. THAT, my friend, is your role. To send forth information. Light in the form of facts, truths on a cosmic, interplanetary and interdimensional scale. Can you see that this is your role? And that you will reach large numbers of people by writing, rather than trying to set up a hands-on school.

(Q: Can I try by telling them something?) Only in the form of wisdom. Not to promise them physical labor and attention. As the masters cannot enter into this world because they would not be recognized due to the receptive abilities being so low, so YOU cannot continue to waste your life energies on the scattered few who do not recognize the glory, the sparkle, the light, the eternal immortal love that you are radiating. Because, when you narrow your focus, you are narrowing your light.

(Q: Should I take down the “ascension massage exchange?) No, my friend. Shorten the description and leave it there. It is an opening to those who are ready to hear and receive. You did well with Roger. You did not get pulled in by him. You maintained your clarity. You are an opening, as a physical representative of the ascended masters. Not as a human, not as an ego, but as a representative of the ascended state. You are being used by the wonderful beings who guide the Earthlings. Continue on your path. Do not be “caught” in the dark web of longing. And now I see that our time is closing. (I love you, dear LLL. Thank you.)


8/4/18 - Vision of Ascended Masters at the sewing machine

This morning I had an interesting experience while sewing. Before I began sewing I stopped and connected with my heart. I called upon the ascended masters and especially DK. A very nice meditation sitting there at the sewing machine. I saw two rows of ascended beings in bright colors leading up to the sun. I am making the sun my home now. I see the sun anchored in my heart. Calling women of the heart. The vision of the ascended masters was beautiful. They were not the focus but the guidelines, two rows of guide posts. Their hands reaching down to me, and the other hand reaching up to the sun, they created a path of light for me. It brought tears to my eyes and a feelings of lumpiness in my throat all around. This is my path. Later I wrote something to/from/with DK for a mastery class for women. 
 
Master Djwhal Khul: Home is where the heart is and your heart is in your chest - not in your husband’s chest, or your mother’s or fathers or sisters or brothers or sons or daughters or anyone else’s chest. The path of mastery is the path of owning your own heart, your own divine source of intelligence, for your light is coming through your heart. Your heart is a portal to the heavens within which you have your true home. Now, let us begin. Remember you ARE your heart, you are not your physical body. No matter how young or how old, you are always in a state of becoming - of entering into the world of form, but you are not form.
 
As you are flowing into your heart, you begin to detect the surroundings of your environment. The first environment is your own body and the memories in the form of energies that you created in the world of form. And not just THIS body you inhabit today, but other bodies you have lived in prior to this life. You have these memories and energies stored in you beneath your conscious mind, forgotten but they are not forgotten by your inner self. They add pressure to your current world and situations. You detect them. Remember - you are NOT this body. You are a flowing consciousness from the sea of source creation, impartial, all-knowing, all loving, all complete in and of yourself. You owe allegiance to no one for you are all that is in your original before-form state. The intelligent thought you think in your mind is a shadow of the real, of your blinding reality and wholeness. The feelings you think are reflections of something much greater. The sounds you hear are dull shades covering up the truth of the real whispering through you like ghosts from all directions - your own past, your own body, other selves bodies, other selves pasts, and from the trees, air, water, vegetation, food and immovable objects that surround you in the world of form.
 
You cannot escape the ghosts of the past except through your heart. By anchoring into your heart you tune into the higher planes of your real self. You tune into the correct station, YOUR station, and you clear up the static and noise from others. YOUR station is YOU!  You receive intelligence and wisdom and knowledge loud and clear when you take time out from the static of the outer world of form and other people and listen to your own clear truth. Teaching for this day comes from Master DK. (I started to write out a guided meditation, how to begin, but I feel this was my own voice and not DK’s) 


10/26/18 - The Goddess and the mother ship

I am downstairs earlier than usual feeling alert and good. No meditation at all. I put out the compost, then had b’fast. I was totally inspired today, alert and together. Why? What? I think it’s Doug’s energy. Suffice it to say I am inspired hugely. I made a green drink, then juiced kale and put it in ice cube trays. Then cut up fresh veggies again but didn‘t blend yet. Tomorrow. I have lots of little post-it notes and financials to enter into checkbook, but I didn‘t do that. Instead I started researching my old journals for word “goddess“. I have to put these in a special place to use for the goddess newsletter. I am excited and feel very creative. Being prodded and nudged to enter....

“Goddess is love. Goddess is a portal of feeling.” Our world has been built on mental constructs, not love. It has been intellect, logic, science, technology, all of which do not have feeling. They are not created to feel. It’s not built to feel but there are levels of love within our bodies and we must explore those levels. There’s not just one type of love. The Goddess love has many levels, from low to high. It depends on a person’s ability to maintain the ever higher levels. To understand it. It goes from extreme density, which is focus on physical and prone to fear, survival, each man for self, jealousy and possessiveness - to unconditional love, which is feeling freer and freer and more able to express the authentic self openly, honestly with spontaneity, joy, freedom and more. I ended up spending the rest of the day on this project of researching old journals for word “goddess”. I found this one and I like it. I want to put it into the GFL website. It was written back in 2012 sometime.
 
“After meditation last night as I drifted off to sleep, I saw clearly a very large circular mother ship descending down out of the clouds. It was appearing out of nothingness, as if in the process of manifesting. Our Hollywood techniques have mastered the art of illusion and shown this exactly on film, but this I saw in my mind’s eye. it was in the midst of the manifesting process, coming closer to Earth. It had not yet become totally physical but it was beautiful to see. I was aware of the interdimensional aspects we are dealing with, of higher octaves and lower octaves. Higher, thinner space, lower, compacted space. They are not cloaked in the way we might think, as in Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak. They are descending at the same ratio that we are able to ascend our own consciousness. We are coming into view of each other. We are preparing to make contact. As a side note, I also realized that this is how our chakras are opening. As we rise in consciousness we come closer to opening to the fullness of our higher light bodies. We cannot push a button or say a mantra or enter a meditation to open the chakras. Ascending is transcending - leaving behind the old habits.”
 
Today I spent all day doing what? Tonight after Doug went to bed I finally got to enter the financials and checked it against the online banking. It’s 12:55 am now so I’m closing down, still quite awake.
 

11/16/18 - Golden threads weave through the body

I am seeing with inner vision the golden threads weaving in and through and around the physical substance of my body. These are the meridians as described by the ancients. It is a literal web, like a spiders web, but with many more strands crisscrossing through my body. I saw this in magnification as under a microscope several days ago. Gold threads woven in with the mundane, average, human threads of the body. The golden threads are pure light. Spirit flows through these meridians and they are everywhere I see. Top to bottom, head to toe, shoulders, fingers. This is what props up and holds up the physical, otherwise it would not live.

This is the substance of our body, made alive by the golden life force coming through the meridians. It, the meridians, the web of life within, is what keeps me alive and supplies me with consciousness and feeling and connection to everyone else around me. And objects outside of me. Without it, if it were to withdraw, my body would die. I would leave. I see that I am that life force and I am being drawn to this light increasingly so. I am to write about it to bring awareness forward into the atmosphere of earth. I see the light is flowing upward and light is also flowing downward and the light is meeting in the middle in me, in my body. And as I become more conscious of this light above and below and how it is meeting in the middle, I feel more comfortable in my skin. I feel more here now. More present. It is like coming home. It is my awareness that brings about the truth and the reality of who I am. It creates peace.

It is as if all of the atoms, electrons, molecules, sub-atomic particles that make up my physical body can stop being random, confused, lost in the maze and fog of the netherworld. They become settled down and peaceful. Then I become peaceful too, for I am not my body. I am moving through my body like electricity moves through a light bulb. I have been using my body without giving it much thought or honor or respect. I have actually been ignoring my body and abusing it. And it has grown tired and achy, with pains here and there sporadically popping up. Now, as I am being drawn into realization that there is a river of Light and Life flowing through me, as I place my attention on it, my body is happy. My body rests in the arms of someone who cares. Is it me? Or is it someone bigger? Yes, it is someone bigger than me, who cares for this body and would make it feel better, become better and live longer. I am drawn back to the teachings of the Tao and Tantra - Tantra meaning “web” as in “web of life”.

I see the golden strands in me are not physical, they are currents. They are of my very own making. I designed them, I am them, not my human of this life, this self/ego, but that which I am eternally, I am the presence from the beginning. I Am the “I Am Presence” that is the creator of individual humans and animals. This river of light is neither masculine nor feminine. It is pure undivided, unfragmented, unmanifested, abstract conscious light from heaven that was sent forth by the Father/Mother Creator of all things, as an individual conscious light. I am an individual light spirit, and I am here to create the perfect human.

My I Am Presence is unique from all other I Am Presences in existence. My Father in Heaven is unique from everyone else’s Father in Heaven, and my Father Light circulating through my body becomes Mother Light now that it is in the body. It is the Mother. Father Light becomes Mother light in the body to uphold and support the physical atoms in place so I the Father can think and plan and design and create. The mother light is the love that supports, nurtures and nourishes and allows the creator Father Light to move about freely and bring his action into manifestation. Does this even make sense?


11/17/18 - The alien male sinister force 

This came as a channeling from spirit. The term Goddess is God locked in form. Once God is in form it takes on the culture into which it has been born as a human being. It must be understood that in this world there is an alien male sinister force that has taken over. It is heartless and not wanting love to have any power whatsoever. It is not the men doing this subjugation of women. Men are its victims too. It is the alien male sinister force which is not native to Earth. We have been used and abused by heartless rulers who twist our nature and beat us up with it. Our nature is love. God is here within. The feminine side of God is here within, to comfort and care for the evolving human creatures, but this loving force has been locked up and not allowed to flow through sinister means.
 
Now I have to clarify the word “love” because we have been misguided. We have forced that great motivating, liberating fire into a small bottle and capped it with a lid. We have been literally corralled like cattle into the cattle yards awaiting slaughter, and made to mate under their rules, not our own. Under the culture we were born into, there are insidious laws in place that, if we don’t obey them allow them to put us into prison, or to suffer harassment or worse. God/Goddess is free within us but we have to let it out and let it flow from person to person. We need to understand what love REALLY is. We feel it as comfort and kindness, not as sexual lust. The laws and traditions of the culture including marriage and relationship laws have been put in place to prevent love from being free. These laws are our biggest downfall and the cruelest task masters. There is no free love in the land. However, once our hearts start opening up, free love will start flowing and liberating the planet again, as it once did, bringing calm, peace and advancements in all fields and prosperity to each and every one. Love is what boosts and elevates humankind, not selfishness and greed or sexual lust. Free love is coming in now but it is causing chaos in the outer world arenas because the alien male sinister force is trying to stamp it out and this alien male sinister force is not outside of us – it is inside – Inside ALL of us.
 
We each have owned a piece of it and allowed it to live in us. That’s why the love can’t get out. We’ve consented to it. Our biggest challenge is to work on our SELF to overcome our dark, cruel, selfish, greedy and mean side, which is the alien sinister force that has been here for eons of time. It runs through our history. We can’t afford to judge anyone else, nor even ourselves, but rather to forgive, forgive, forgive. Judging someone and judging ourselves continues to divide us and make us even meaner, which keeps the padlock on our hearts. Comfort and kindness is the only solution to breaking the padlock and springing love free to flow out to everyone we meet.
 
I said I would address the word love that has been polluted and distorted into a petty hurtful thing. We don’t know what we have done. We have been bamboozled by the advanced artificial technology of the male sinister force. We have been kept foggy-brained. If we feel possessive of our mates, married or not, it is not love. It is hate. The alien male sinister force which has held the world locked in a dark loveless world of artificiality, knew exactly how to structure the governing laws and program the lesser evolved race. The children race. Lock them together one with another and force them to “work it out”. Sound familiar? Divine love wouldn’t do that. Divine love would not require you to shut yourselves up inside a house with someone so dissimilar to yourself to “try to work it out”. How mean is that? How cruel. We are free beings, why are we not living free?
 
When my husband began a long-distance relationship with an old friend, jealousy popped up in me. I struggled for a year and then decided I didn’t like myself feeling that way. So I told him quietly, not angrily, but with love in my heart, that he ought to go out and visit her to see what happens. If they have a reason to be together, then they should be together. And he did. He went out to visit with her and he learned something and he came back home. He is with me today. And though I was disappointed because I was already planning my future alone without him, I experienced a new kind of freedom. In giving him permission to move on to explore something new, instead of holding him back because of some “law“ or “tradition“ or “vow“ or “promise”, I unlocked something in myself. I gave myself room to grow. I benefited more from that than I could have done any other way. I gave him unconditional freedom, unconditional love. I didn’t expect anything back. But I received something back. Love is freedom. Love is liberating. Love is comforting. Love is truth. Love is also advancement. We have to adapt to this new way. We have new responsibilities now with this greater love. We are more empowered. We must manage this power as an adult, with wisdom. We have to grow up and become an adult. We have to keep the heart open as we learn to maneuver in this new way. We have to be willing to take the next step up the ladder to a higher place instead of closing ourselves down into a protective false cocoon.
 
That is what love is. It’s not about jealously guarding what we think we own. We don’t own anything. The only thing we can own is our consciousness. We are here to become more conscious of our own power that we are responsible for. We are here on earth to shine that power outward to help move blocks and barriers out of the way. We are here to create a freer, more abundant, more perfect world. We are here to shine our light and grow into more light and more love and more happiness and more freedom. We are here to help make the world a better place, not a smaller one. Love is the release from attachments. Relationships are attachments. Release does not mean kicking someone out of the house, it means giving your partner freedom to do what they want to do and you get the same freedom plus more. It is done in love, not anger. It is done with gentle support, not withdrawing support. It is done with kindness and leaving the door open for return, just like you would for a best friend who needs some confidence to take the next step. That is love. Release attachments, and marital vows are attachments in this larger way, and you’ll be surprised at how good you feel. Truly surprised. Love is not attachment to one person. Love is attachment to the sovereign state of divinity within the SELF.
 
We have come to think of love as possession and that we have rights of ownership over the one we are attached to, but we don’t. We are so much more than a pawn in the male alien sinister game of control.  There are blinders on. This message will not settle well with everyone. I realize that. But this comes direct from spirit. I wouldn’t have the courage or knowledge to say these things myself. Recognizing the alien male sinister in the world is a challenge. Can you see the difference? To me it is now easy to see. I didn’t see it in my earlier years. I see now the decent, humane, kind human being who is seeking the same in others. It may not be totally clear yet, but that is why we see writings like this. We are being prompted to find forgiveness within ourselves, forgiveness for the errors we have made. We don’t know that we have more control over our lives until we take actual steps in that direction and try it out. Forgive and let go with an open heart and feel what returns back to you. The sense of freedom, kindness, love and respect and comfort. It is an amazing feeling. My words do not convey the full meaning very well. It’s a meager attempt to paint the picture of universal love. It is impersonal, not personal. It does not give us rights over another human being. Love is so very much bigger than physical needs and addictions to bodily pleasures. There is a pleasure that far, far, far, exceeds that limited requirement. 
 
12/17/18 - Why kundlini is so difficult when first awakened

[A question has been asked during a women's discussion about divine feminine love, why women act so overly sexual when they are connected to the divine feminine? That doesn‘t look very graceful or very feminine!]

(DK channeling:) When kundalini is activated in a person it behaves differently in each individual because it has to clear the misalignments in that body. Women have become mechanized and programmed by the male agenda. They are affected more than men sexually because they are not free in their sexuality. Sexuality is a portal to the power contained in the earth. Men have been allowed and encouraged to flaunt their sexuality but women have been repressed. Men use their power, although in limited ways, but women do not. Women and men are not equal in their ability to express freely the power that flows up from the earth. Sexuality comes through the root chakra (base of spine) where blocks have been placed. Women are affected more than men. If a woman has been expressing her sexuality freely, then she is more free than her sisters. Maybe not very gracefully because she is ignorant about kundalini and needs mentoring to help her direct the power that flows through her. Otherwise it becomes a tool of the dark. Most woman have not been allowed to feel their own sexuality. Many women do not even have orgasms because they are forced into performing for, or used by men. So when kundalini is activated in a woman, help her direct it in an upward and sacred way.  Otherwise she will act like a hose with the water turned on full force. She will flail out of control. Embrace her with sacred love. Surround her with divine grace. Honor her. Help her feel the goddess within her as it rises up through the sexual center to higher ground. Men have been using women for their own selfish pleasures, depriving them of feeling for themselves the kundalini, the goddess love, flowing within them. Kundalini is the divine feminine in all human beings, both men and women. The goddess kundalini embedded in the earth seeks to rise upward to meet its counterpart, the source of all light and life. Each individual is responsible for helping and assisting his or her own kundalini to flow smoothly upward to source, through the sun, which is a portal to the galactic central sun. (end DK)
 
(More from me, overlighted by DK) The soul is the consciousness trying to find the god-self which is buried in the earth. Before incarnating, each person‘s God-self splits off a piece of its light and sends it to Earth to become an anchor for the soul to attach to. We are like a ship anchored in port. It must have something to tie it in place or it would float away. This piece of spiritual light that was cast down to earth is the divine feminine, what we call the kundalini or the goddess. It becomes part of the earth but retains its individuality. It knows which God-self it belongs to, and which soul. It is a game of hide and seek for the soul to find its anchor in the earth. Without connection to its feminine side, it is hovering in the air above, unbalanced and unsure of itself. It would be easy in a light-filled planet to find its feminine anchor, but on earth we’ve had blocks installed to prevent us from finding our feminine half which is anchored in the earth. It is the feminine half which gives us the loving and kind feelings and the desire for peace and connectedness. Without it we remain in our heads, or above our heads in space. We don’t get down into our hearts. The goddess light is flowing slowly through our bodies. It MUST flow because it is our life force, our source of life, it keeps us alive, gives us breath and coordinates our physical bodies so they work for us, but it is very slow. It trickles upward through our feet and spine. It is actually drawn up, seeking its other half, otherwise it wouldn’t be drawn to go up at all. It is seeking its other half, its masculine god self, but the blocks have been preventing it from flowing faster and smoother. There is imbalance in us.
 
As Cobra has stated, the men are implanted with a program opposite to women, which keeps the sexes arguing.  But the goddess is us, we are the constructed form, the body, the receptacle, the receiver of the life that flows through us. We are feminine, even men are feminine in that respect. It is possible to become conscious and aware of our status of being the receptacle, by following the wise counsel of our elders and mentors. But the implants have made us into mechanical beings. The goddess is pure light but we have been blocked from seeing and knowing the pure light that is embedded in us. Our bodies are like machines because of the false and phony implants that were put into us, but we are immortal beings, we are immortal conscious beings but blocked from knowing that. When kundalini activates in us, it is the eternal immortal consciousness that is activated, the goddess in us, the divine feminine. When this starts moving, it clears our obstructions but only if we allow it and follow certain instructions. Forty years ago kundalini awakened dramatically in me (Nancy). It threw me out of kilter, I had both heaven and hell experiences. It took about 7 years to bring myself to balance and I am very happy and at peace today at age 80. I didn’t know anything about it, only that it was called “kundalini”. I was given that word by my sister who was with me at the time, she was a disciple of an Indian guru so she had been exposed to it. I learned only later more about kundalini and that it is the divine feminine in all beings. She is pure celestial light, the goddess receiver within us, waiting to be found and activated.
 
Today we have more light and more information through teachers like Cobra and others on the internet. It is a private sacred journey - sacred means secret. In order to have duality there has to be a male and female energy in us, or we wouldn’t be able to have a body. So we each have a male and a female energy flowing through us. It is this internal male-female energy that is out of balance and fighting each other. It fights within us. We have a battle going on within us. It is the love of self that we need to cultivate, not love in someone else. As we balance the two opposite energy flows in our body, we will then be in love with ourself, our God-self, and then be able to love others without limits or blocks. The goddess kundalini is becoming active now in more people. It will eventually bring us into divine sacred love of the God-self within us as our higher nature, which is more refined than we can access from our earthly perspective. Our divine consciousness is above us from our perspective. We don’t know what we can achieve from this low perspective. But we are being guided to listen to our inner selves and to silently pray to it every day, several times a day, to connect and listen to our God-self. 

The masculine current in us is an active, proactive current. It is programmed to face outward on the world and to interact with the world of others. The feminine current is under-nourished. It faces inward to source and is submissive and dependant on the heavenly father which is descending as a river of life constantly, 24/7, always, through the sun as a portal or window. The feminine current knows what the heavenly father is saying. She can hear it. But the imprinting of blocks has closed her down so much that she has had very little power of her own and has been following meekly behind the male for thousands of years. Now she is awakening. In everyone, including the men but the men don’t know how to work with it so it is up to the women to show them how. Women are becoming more alive and they are behaving in ways that are not normal. They must process this themselves. That is why there are goddess circles starting up everywhere. The women need each other to balance each other and support each other.
 
Nobody really knows what the goddess is or kundalini. It is a mystery because it is a personal private soul connection between the body and the spirit. We think we are intelligent, but this connection between body and spirit is far more real and lucid than what we know with our mind. The flashes of insight that we get from time to time tell us that there is more to us than our own logical mind. This personal private soul connection between our body and our spirit is a breakthrough (called an initiation) into the bright sun of our spiritual self. It is the true father god of our Self. Our mother god, known as the divine mother goddess is buried in the earth. The soul needs to become very quiet to listen to these two forces play with each other. As we listen we bring them closer together so they can blend and bring us great flashes of insight. The soul is our deeper innate sense of longing. Our soul needs to become respectful of its own nature, its own inner nature AND outer nature. The soul wants to know itself in the outer world, too, with other souls. The implants (blocks) have divided us and pitted us against ourselves. Our own male tendencies quarreled with our own female tendencies and vice versa. The male has been dominant for millennia, 26,000 years, I understand. Now it is ending and the divine feminine side of humanity which has been buried – the divine feminine or goddess energy - is becoming active. The mechanical human, the lopsided unbalanced human, is undergoing a transformation to become more peaceful and more naturally balanced.

​We feel peaceful when we allow nature to take its course, not to resist what we are drawn to experience, but to participate in all that happens and APPRECIATE it. It is in the appreciating of experience that we lift it upward into gratitude and joy. This is the transformation that is to take place. We will feel more whole as this happens, and more connected to one another. Sacred ceremony is not a group thing. It is a secret ceremony that one does alone within one’s own life, one’s own home, one’s own time, within one’s own space, as a worship and as a reverence for the material goods and people that one is surrounded with. This is the world we are to honor and lift up and appreciate. Appreciation and honoring, with the use of kindness, smoothes out the wrinkles and the bad situations. It is done with prayerful intent. With sacredness. The innate intuition is the goddess. It will help a person to create ceremony. We must learn to listen to our innate feelings and nudges. Innate intelligence often emerges when it is least expected, when it is spontaneous and natural like the breezes. It is not sexual as men think. It is love felt in every cell of the body. It can be experienced as an out-of-body experience as it did with me, which threw me out beyond myself and took me years to integrate and stabilize myself.
 
As the movement from the sun and the movement from the earth moves through the body together, attracted to each other, they swirl together and it clears away toxins. It is pure and natural. It is beyond logical human brain understanding. After a session of movement and clearing as I have experienced it, the cells feel as if they are floating in ecstasy. It is blissful. It does not stay. It goes away after the movement session is over but each time it clears away the debris of left-over thoughts and false imaginations. There is left a clearer, purer, uncontaminated physical body that is better prepared for more of the same goddess kundalini, or river of life, to move through. 


12/14/19 - Don't try to find resonance, that is fool-hearty, you are unique 
[DK Channeled. I started out journaling to myself and DK stepped in in the middle.] 

(Me:) My personal mission is to hold the center on the feminine divine. In the upper realms there is no masculine or feminine. It is just divine. The higher you go, the more into oneness and less separation. It is all about identifying with this glory that is the Oneness within. There is no separation between me and the Oneness. I am the light. I am the glory. I am the peace and the perfection and the allness that ever lived in forms. I am to hold the center. DK told me to hold myself in the center of the light and I’ve been shuffling through the women, trying to find the ones who best resonate with me. Suddenly I heard him say, "That is fool-hearty", and he started speaking. 
 
(DK:) There is no one who resonates with you because you are unique, one of a kind. It is your consciousness of yourself that is unique. You can never become the consciousness of another person, or another being, but you can click with their oneness. You recognize their oneness. Your uniqueness can click into their uniqueness and you can resonate with their oneness because you and they are one, part of the wholeness. But if you are seeking to resonate with someone who is trying to find themselves, as you are trying to find yourself, it is foolish. You will bog yourself down. It becomes personal. There are parts of them that you will NOT resonate with, and it will cause you to question yourself and them. This is a bog-down. Give up trying to find the perfect mate.
 
Women are no different than men, they just come in softer packages due to the issues you have had sublimating yourself to immature men in this darkened world. You are lifting yourself out of that mud that was clinging to you. You have separated from it. You are brushing yourself off. You are breathing free of it. But you are still aware that it is a mud-clinging creature. You are trying to find the divine in that mud-clinging creature and you keep trying. You keep questioning “Where is it?” You do not want to give up, but that is exactly what you must do - give up trying. Instead, focus on the glory of God that is within you and that is waiting for you to recognize it within you. Stop trying to resonate with faulty human beings and focus your virtuous thought upon God within. Feel the God within. You are the body resonating with the God within. You feel the I Am within and you are all powerful. But when you allow your thoughts to turn away from the God within and try to capture or figure out the other person, you lose that connection within. You are here to be a pillar of light. You have grounded yourself. You have built up a column of light by your actions, thoughts and intentions. You have spoken it out loud for others to hear. Do not be pulled separately.
 
Remember that you are building a column of light here and it is within you. Not outside you. It is within you as your consciousness. Be aware. Be alert. Be conscious of the light within you. You do not need to name me. You do not need to assign authorship to your articles. You do not need to assign your own name to the articles. Just present the message. You have done well to present the message. You are receiving feedback. Yes, the women yesterday provided you excellent, clear-eyed resonance to your seeking. They did well. Do not try to conform to them or judge them as better than you or lower than you. Do not even judge them as different than you. Recognize instead, the clarity that came to you through their eyes. It was an excellent connect. Excellent indeed. It was worthy of all of your attempts to find the divine feminine.
 
The divine feminine that you are seeking is in you. Do not look for it elsewhere. Do not try to teach it to others. The divine feminine is you holding the pillar of this knowledge within you. You are publicizing it now. You are radiating it now. You are letting others know. It is your mission. You wanted to do this. You struggled to arrive here. Now you are continuing to shine the light. You will receive further calls. You will receive those who recognize your light. There will be others. Hold the light. Do not let the light stray. The light is a beacon light, like a lighthouse beacon to lost ships at sea. It is the light that gives them a focus, a place to connect to, a thought to connect to. A feeling to connect to. It is a rightness that they seek. It is a resonance that they seek. The beings in this world tend to lose themselves, even lightworkers tend to go adrift and forget how to find the resonance.
 
When you are lost and there is a confusion confronting you, do this little trick: turn around slowly, as if you are a compass seeking north. Turn slowly through the thoughts that you pick up, the resonances that you pick up as you slowly turn. Turn and allow various thoughts strike you. Is this the way? Keep turning and feeling for the right way. You are a compass seeking the right direction. Walk towards the rightness feeling. There will be a thought attached to it. There is a direction here and a different way to approach or deal with the current situation. Perhaps it is merely to walk away. Perhaps it is to walk towards. Perhaps it is to shift slightly in one direction or another. Feel your way as you shift focus. (End)

​
12/6/20 - The hallway of light (higher self channeling) 
 
Yesterday I lay on the couch and listened to a new personality, Christopher Wallis on Kundalini and Tantra for two hours. In the night I woke to the hallway of light, hearing the song in my mind, “This is my story, this is my song, this is my savior all the day long”. The words resonate perfectly with what Christopher Wallis was saying in the interview: 
 
Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine, Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine!
Heir of salvation, purchase of God, Born of his spirit, washed in his blood.
This is my story, this is my song, praising my savior all the day long.
This is my story, this is my song, praising my savior all the day long.
Perfect submission, perfect delight, visions of rapture now burst on my sight.
Angels descending, bring from above echoes of mercy, whispers of love.
Perfect submission, all is at rest, I in my savior am happy and blest.
Watching and waiting, looking above, filled with his goodness, lost in his love.

 I keep hearing it and seeing it. It is dimly lit, this hallway, but it is spacious. It is being shown to me. There are little fireflies appearing here and there. Sparks. The hallway is empty. You are the hallway. Empty. There are no obstacles in you. No pre-conditions. You and Trisha. The feminine wombs. You are the hallways of light. Read the Bhagavad Gita. There is a high kundalini, this is what I missed. Have been missing. Christopher Wallis provides the missing piece. “I heard my father’s footsteps tramping down the hallway to my Mother”. [from an earlier vision in CR]  The men are too focused ordinarily on the structure of words to get it, but the scholar is getting it. Thank him! You need him. The man and woman must work together.

The woman is flowing up as the Mother God, the man is flowing down as the Father God unformed. You must not leave the house of the Lord (Law of the land). The coming together is done INSIDE the mansion, in the rooms of the mansion (the body). The Father has been coming down the hallway but the Mother has been sleeping or pressed down and hasn’t been able to rise or prepare herself to greet him, but YOU have awakened her in your own body. You saw your Father coming down or rather heard him coming down. That is the first time the Mother [in you] heard the Father [in you], and was assisted in arousing sufficiently to awaken and prepare herself to receive him. You were prepared to receive this initiation. The Father is the unformed God of all beings. You sensed him. You were prepared. You were empty. Your passage you found yesterday and was ready to send out as a NL, reminded you – you MUST remain empty. DK has reminded you – remain empty. You are the vessel, the Mother God into which pours infinity unformed and you allow infinity to enter you, pour into you and fill the spaces within you, making of your body the holy temple. Keep your rooms and hallways free of dust, dirt and objects that clutter. The hallways must remain empty for the Lord [the law of the land]. 
 
There is a protective element coming from the men. They are holding open the gates but they are male temples. The secret lies with the women. Their bodies, not their minds but their bodies – are the empty heads who seduce, dance, flirt, entrance and tempt the Lord God, as the men have written (as they see it) but the holy women do not do obscene things as men have accused them of doing. The holy women remain within the court of the Mother, in grace and in worship and in innocence of the Lord (the law of the land) holding the inner sense firmly in their minds. The feminine kundalini is in the root chakra. Actually the lower abdomen called the dan tiem of Taoism, the altar upon which the fire burns and sends trickles of itself upward. Why are men so eager? And why are women so reticent? Because they are not maintaining balance within their own bodies. There is no balance in individuals and thus no balance in the planetary collective. The refusal to allow the women to be free to speak for themselves and to act in the spontaneous ways they would act if they were free, has allowed the men to become imbalanced first. Then the women became imbalanced second.
 
The male flows downward as the high kundalini seeking innately the Mother God resting and waiting below. But the Mother force in the women has been put to sleep in the body of the women. Their spontaneity, which is the Mother God, has been put to sleep and not allowed to be naturally responsive to the men, and so I have had to use the vibrator to force what would come naturally if I were balanced and able to naturally respond freely. If I had not had to force the fire free with a vibration, if I had been encouraged, meaning worshipped, I would still be in the lifestyle today. The men being needy and rushing to demand action from the women brought many women to fade away from the lifestyle. The too aggressive actions of the men spoiled it for them, and thus it spoiled it for the men too, who had to withdraw sheepishly from their natural role in nature’s playfulness, which is creative and free-flowing, and loving, joyful, inventive with beautiful song, worship, in arts and science of living on earth in earth bodies amid lush planetary wonders. Bring back balance to the two kundalini’s. Help them meet in the middle of the body. 


1/9/21 - Dismantling of 3D identity (some channeling)

I woke in the night  to write down, “The purity of the kanda, the source light within, is surrendering to the will of the human, so that the human may use it to grow enlightenment. I saw the purity, both the male purity and the female purity as I came to conscious wakefulness. I saw this purity before it is used and before it is bent to the will of the evolving human. I SAW IT! I experienced this purity before it allowed itself to be used so. It yielded its purity. It was not form but silvery liquid light. I become the purity when I am still and motionless. I am capable of becoming the purity. It is the essence of who I am. Within this essence is a pattern that I am to follow. Kanda, the beloved, is source energy at the base of the spine, which is the geometric center of the body. You couldn’t be here without source energy in you. I went back to sleep and woke again to write, “Start up the newsletter again and send meditation techniques, tell them one hour a day. Use the newsletters you started as your first one and use the ones you get from me as you feel in the moment to give to others, one hour a day.” I felt this to be an instruction for me to get on with it. Give meditation instructions and encouragement.
 
In the bathroom highly charged and feeling inspired, I begin writing. My dark night of the soul experience of leaving my family and running away, was the dismantling of this body’s 3D identity. It prepared the way for the download of kundalini and the new life, the new mission that this human cannot comprehend because it has only known what it grew up with. Now, you are getting many downloads as you are processing (I’m channeling now) and acting on this new information which, by acting on it and sharing it, puts it into action in the world of the humans. You are gaining some experience.

"When you don’t act and express the information, you are not helping either yourself or the world. You are blocking the information. Becoming aware of the anti-life practices (negatives) that have been going on on earth is a horrifying experience. It is happening. People are waking up to insidious things taking place. They are becoming aware. Conscious awareness is taking place and this is good. Then they will be aware that they need to turn inward to their source to do some re-positioning of their mental attitudes.
 
"Holding focus on something higher is the order of the day. Meditation is a practice, not a discussion. There is needed some simple ideas of how to begin. You can do this. You are well primed and prepared to offer encouragement. Dimensions are levels of conscious awareness. Where is your default level of consciousness? Where do you fall back to when you’re not thinking of something specific? Our brains can’t comprehend. Meditation is a practice for 15 min, 30 min. It builds new brain synapses, wakes up the brain, expands the brain in this physical reality so your consciousness can enter and make you aware. You’ll feel much better able to handle the bad, negative news that are coming forth of horror stories without flipping out and having a bad time readjusting. Your brain needs to practice building new brain cells under your control, focused on peace and higher consciousness, higher vibrations and higher frequencies. That is why you need to develop the practice of meditation. Fear, anger, judgment are low frequencies. They keep recycling fear, anger and judgment. You can handle fear and anger better if you practice meditation. Help them develop meditation habits.
 
"Finding your niche in life, finding your purpose in life, requires you to find the niche in yourself first, which is one of balance. A niche is where you feel most comfortable. You feel good. You feel you belong there, that you were made for this location or spot. Find the niche in yourself first and then you will be connected to your higher self who will pave the way for you to your place in the outer world. Trust your higher self. Make the connection with your higher self.
 
"This virus thing, covid, is a ploy. Of course there is some truth in it, but very little compared to the power it has used to deploy it. It has been blown out of proportion to such an extreme that everyone is being brought down to low levels of fear, worry, and that is causing the illness and the deaths. A germ cannot harm you when you are in high vibration of positivity, light, love, peace and calm. But if you are afraid of it, then yes, it can attach to you and your own low vibration will magnify it and draw more of the same to your body. It is the blowing out of proportion of a germ that is causing the pandemic and fear. This is being done on purpose by evil-minded people. There is danger in all natural events, germs included. There is danger in tropical storms, in brush fires, in rivers, torrential rains, tornedoes and faulty wiring in your home. Even your stairs are dangerous if you are not careful walking down them, but natural awareness will protect you unless a leader begins to harangue you about being afraid. This is black magic being broadcast outward at the peoples of this world. Black magic is the science of repetition without letting up for an instant. A continual beaming of dark influences. But none has taken over the airwaves to the extent that this latest covid pandemic has done. This is a ploy of the dark ones who want to destroy the world, who are trying to bring your attention and that of your neighbors and families down to such a point that all of you together will be the weight that sinks you.
 
"You are all weighing each other down. It is a pre-planned attack on the peoples of the entire planet. The recent Trump scenario is an excellent lesson. If you listen long enough to a repeated negative statement, even you do not believe it at first, but if you listen long enough to it you will eventually believe it to be true. It has that effect on the human being who does not have faith in his own spiritual source. The lie has been the process of dividing people and keeping them out of alignment with their innocent and positive unifying nature. The continual speaking of words that divide creates a divide in you, the listener. It lowers your consciousness which is naturally peaceful. Don’t listen. It’s a ploy. Practice meditation to heal this division in your psyche. Reconnect with your higher self and build peacefulness into your brain synapses. It is your brain that censors out words that do not belong." 


8/1/21 - Experiencing different energies in the 4 lower bodies

I experienced something unusual today during my time at the table. I experienced an elevation of my four lower bodies, each one, as I moved first from physical to etheric. Sensation of going up to a – not exactly denser – but a more FEELING level. It is hard to describe. I’ve been trying to get it by imagining going up a notch, but this is different from imagination. It is a FEELING. Like when you move away from a person who is hateful, into the presence of someone more loving. It is a subtle visceral sensation of being in the presence of different energy. I could feel that energy. This was new for me. I never experienced this before. I feel the need to describe it so I can pass it on to others. I knew I was there just like you know when you’re in the presence of a hateful person or a sad person or a loving person. There is a difference.  It was a different feeling. Then speaking from that level, I experienced moving upward again to the NEXT level, the astral level or what we call emotional level. I chanted out loud that I am here in this emotional level, then I began speaking that I am moving up to the mental level. Then, acknowledging by speaking out loud from that level I moved my attention upward to the spiritual level. It was amazing! It was wonderful. It was exciting to actually feel these different levels. It was the first time I felt that. It was not just a mental imagination but a real experience and sensation of being on another level. The bands of bodies around me are higher as I go up.
 
When I was concentrating on the higher realms I experienced the bad feeling of going a-fib, like something in my body is not right. I realized that it was a sign of going out of balance, higher heart disconnecting from lower ventricles like a-fib. I immediately re-focused on my lower heart and lower abdomen, switching back and forth, unsure exactly where I should focus, and it immediately went away. It was an amazing affirmation that I am to be focusing on my physical body, not going up so so high or so fast or so often. The saving grace is connecting with physical body.

I read something that reminded me that the lady masters are those who FEEL the light. Male masters are the ACTION of the light. Archai Amethyst and Archangel Zadkiel, two sides of the Oneness. Feeling is how we gauge our spirit level. High frequency? Or Low? Become aware of the feeling of friction and change it. Redirect your attention to a happier thought before it becomes an irritant. You can nip pain in the bud. Most of us ignore feelings of friction. We pretend it’s not there. As we learn to notice it we can redirect it. The light is permanent; shadows are temporary. Teaching is repeating. Confusion is a sign of friction. Humans are resilient. Re-direct your focus and attention. This is the purpose for mantras, chants, decrees and affirmations. Choose a few and memorize them. They are tools to bring out and use whenever you find yourself in friction or confusion or pain.

When I was walking yesterday in stores and became aware of the low feeling of depression, I should have used the mantras out loud. Low vibrations are slow vibrations. They cling and wrap themselves around you like a cloak. Perception is determined through the belief system. Low periods are slow vibration periods. Breathe! Breathing is how we process the energies moving through us. We can process their movement through us FASTER! Create energies by accepting energies or rejecting unwanted energies but you must be made aware of them first before you can accept or reject them consciously. As the outer mind is made aware, the vibrations of your outer minds are raised on the gauge of sensitivity and become more receptive to spiritual instruction, awakening from the drowse of the senses.

1/30/22 - Q&A with Master DK, why is my head filled with smoke?

(Me:) Specifically, why is my head so filled with smoke or clouds? It feels so thick. I want to know why, and how can I clear it? What am I doing wrong? What can I do to clear it if anything? Do I have to die to the body to clear myself? That seems to be the path or trail that is leading me. Am I destined to leave the body? I don’t want to. Am I resisting against a natural ascension process? What is happening to me? Can you, will you enlighten me?

(DK:) My dear child.You are indeed on the path of ascending. If you do not want to ascend the body right now, you must do some interaction with those around you. You already know this but you hesitate. Why are you hesitating?

(Me:) I’m not sure. It feels like I should go that way. Maybe it is a past belief, something I learned before?

(DK:) Yes!! Yes, most emphatically. It is a past belief and you are touching into it and becoming it. But THIS time is a new time for you to experience. Endless possibilities are available for you to choose from. A new direction is being offered to you. The ancient TAO and Tantric methods are drawing your love. Your excitement. This is your journey alone. You do not need teachers, nor do you need to become a teacher yourself. T is merely a friend, drawn to you as all other friends are drawn to you. Do NOT muddy the waters of friendship. Treat her and all as sisters with their own journey.

(Me:) Thank you, I do understand. I am asking for a specific direction and technique, but I think I have it now, in the “Hands of Light” book. I am excited to pursue this path, this source. Please, tell me more. I am so grateful for St. Germain’s book and source of Light. You have guided me to search myself. You are a most wonderful friend. I love you so much. I thank you SO much. I feel you right now. Thank you. Can you tell me more? Or have I completed this moment? No, there IS something more. My solar plexus. Is it up high at the sternum and not the navel? Have I been wrong in my assumption of placing the solar plexus? What is bothering me near the sternum? Why is it pressing there? Is it connected to the heart? Is it a blockage of tangled energy? How do I clear it?

(DK:) My dear little one, bless you for your courage and faith in me. I am but one who advises you. You have focused on me as one source but there are many who guide you. I will allow your mighty God Presence to speak to you.

(I Am Presence:) There is a button, as you have called the chakras in your writing. This button is just under the breast bone. It is the refined and pure God Presence for that locale of the body. It does need clearing. There is entanglement at that location. (Me: How do I relieve it?) Take a moment right now and breathe light into that area. Expand the light of perfection in that area. (Me: How long?) Until you know it is gone. (Me: I did it for awhile and felt nothing happening, so I will stop now and carry on with my path of excitement – DOING things and being active. Master DK, do you recommend I be active and follow my “excitement” until it spends itself?”)

(DK:) Yes, beloved. Carry on. There is time. You do not need to hurry. You have all eternity to learn and understand TO YOUR satisfaction. You are a child of God, as we ALL are. We are ALL learning and growing and stopping to smell the roses and love one another in various ways that turn us on, and become lovers. There is no “time” that we must hurry through. And ESPECIALLY you, for what you are doing right now, in this moment, is suspending your time. You are substituting foreverness into your game plan. You are indeed, prolonging the sensation of “time”. Be kind to yourself. Do not hold onto goals. There is no “end” to life as you know it. In this that you are doing right now, you are extending your awareness of life past the point of so-called death. Why do you need to “leave” your body? If it is serving you, as you have said, there is no reason! You may stay here for as long as you wish.

(Me:) I see! Well, thank you for that thought. I will stop thinking about the “end of life" scenario!

(DK: ) It is exciting is it not? To explore another way? Another journey through a situation that was once a finite conclusion? Now it is not fixed in stone. There is a doorway through it. It is your own consciousness, understanding, trust and belief that allows you to break out of the finite barrier called “end of life”.

(Me:) The key is trusting my vehicle? 

(DK:) Your vehicle is a light body, it is composed of light. I leave you now in the hands of dear Barbara Brennan.

(Me:) Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you, DK!
​

6/29/22 - We are embedded inside a crystal bubble of seven spheres 
                                                                                                                      
(Partly channeled.) Speaking to the energies in our bodies, picture a set of colanders or bowls, one inside another, inside another, inside another, etc., for a set of seven. Every man, woman and child on the planet has a set of seven bowls of energy in them, all of them invisible to the physical eye. And he (his body) is suspended in the middle of the innermost bowl like the yolk inside an egg inside a shell. The first “bowl” is an energy that has descended down to become very very solid. It is solid energy, the most precious energy on the physical plane. It is so precious that it has been denounced, and we have been led astray from it. It is energy, not physical, and it is so pure that it is beyond the reach of mankind to imagine. It is the equivalent of God in a compacted form. God is not energy. God is not a thought. God is beyond our imagination. But God has an equivalent of himself that is called energy. Energy can move. God cannot move so he creates aspects of himself that CAN move. And spirit is the first aspect of his movement. He has created a purity of himself that is so magnificent that it cannot be imagined by anything lesser. It is called Mother in comparison to the God the Father who does not move at all. The Mother has been referred to as the Holy Spirit but it has the feminine qualities to it. It is nurturing, caring, forgiving, and it is intelligent beyond imagination because it is actually God the Father packaged differently.
 
Well, you get the picture. It is God in a form that can be condensed down into energy. God can now be moved around, since God himself doesn’t move. After all, he holds everything together by staying still at the center and creating. He better NOT move! Everything would go to pieces if he did. But I am being given this revelation this morning so I’m passing it on by writing it out. But back to speaking to the energies in our bodies. Picture an energy body that looks just like you today, same age, same features, same faults and imperfections, but it’s made out of energy, not physical matter. Therefore you can’t see it but you can imagine it. It’s an etheric body. This is the first bowl of the set of seven bowls. Then picture another larger energy body superimposed over and around that one. It’s actually a sphere, not an open-lidded bowl. This second energy body is a different texture and a slightly different shade of invisible, but you can see it. It’s plainly different somehow. This is our emotional body. It’s the aspect of God that feels emotion and allows emotion to ripple through us. We can sense things with this emotional body when we are struck by an energy wave. Like, sometimes we see an emotion flickering across someone’s face, as if they’re getting ready to cry, or preparing to laugh, or preparing to get angry. We can sense emotions moving through people. And we sense how these emotions move in us too.
 
And then imagine still another larger energy body superimposed over that one. This third bowl is plainly different from the other smaller two. For one thing it’s larger, but also it’s of a lighter quality than the smaller two beneath it. This one is our mental body. It lives in a mental dimension which is abstract. It doesn’t have emotion. It is abstract intelligence as far as human intelligence goes. It doesn’t feel. It’s the aspect of God that is aware and conscious. It is our human mind and a lighter color of transparency than the other two.
 
Now picture another still larger energy body superimposed over that one. This is the spiritual body. It is lighter and brighter than the ones below it. This one too is an aspect of God and an aspect of ourself. We are all four of these dimensions at the same time: etheric, emotional, mental and spiritual, and they are permanent dimensions. We are a temporary physical body suspended in the center. Temporary from life to life until we finally learn how to manage these four lower bodies and then we graduate to the ascended permanent state. Meanwhile, each of the four lower bodies is filled with errors and mistakes that must be corrected. Even though we can’t see them with our physical eyes, they are part of us. They are simply made of lighter substance than the physical. And they carry past-life memories in them, so they are made of different densities and have different energies stuck within them until we uncover those memories and release them from being stuck. It’s similar to dirt and grime that gets into clothes that we wear for a long time without washing. Then we have to wash it to clean the dirt away.
 
We think emotions and thoughts are who we are, but we are more than emotions and thoughts. Who are we? We know this body is not all there is to us. We are searching for ourselves in our daily experiences and adventures. These four lower bodies are the problem areas. There are actually seven dimensions that we carry around us, but the three higher bodies are perfect. We do not have any problems within them. They are pure light and we are drawn to them like moths are drawn to flames and fire. The spiritual body is the lightest of the four lower bodies. When we start meditating, doing inner spiritual work, prayer work, physical disciplines, we open our minds to more light and we begin to expand our awareness to spiritual guides, angelics, more advanced beings of light who teach us. We begin to open the door to the fifth dimension, which is an ascended dimension. So what happened to the fourth dimension? Well, we are constantly fluctuating in and out of the fourth dimension. As we are learning thru trial and error the highs and lows of human life, we experience the elevated states of inspiration and the depressed states of suicidal thoughts. It is thru daily spiritual practice that we open wider the door to more light. We are constantly blending thru purification processes these four lower bodies during our daily life.
 
As we learn to manage the four lower crystal spheres that still have left-over dirt and grime  clinging to them, as we clean up our etheric aspects, then our emotions and feeling aspects, then our mental thoughts of selfishness, and then the lower light-filled spiritual aspects within us, we then join with the purity of our God consciousness. 
 

3/23/23 - The little me is not in control, the BIG Me is in charge!

Important to remember: when I feel I want to lie down and space out SO BAD, and it’s hard to keep myself moving – this is EXACTLY the time when I should move!! This morning I once more had mixed feelings about what routine I should do. I’m so mixed up about so many different ways to do the sadhana, morning rituals, meditations, exercises, so many thoughts, so many lists I’ve made, it’s driving me nuts. So I decided to sit and stare into a candle. Last night I did that, I was late going upstairs after Doug so I felt free to cool my heels. I rushed through eating something and slowly I felt the peace, a long overdue peace settle over me. I sat at the kitchen table and lit a candle and the peace came stronger. I felt myself free to NOT CHASE Doug upstairs. I’ve been following him around, his energies, as if I’m stuck to him. He went up without me so I allowed it. Yes, I allowed him to go. I let it go. (Bashar yesterday morn.) I felt the peace of letting go, so this morning I decided to do the same thing. But first I did bend-overs off the end of the bed, and the cobra in the bedroom.

Then I went to the med room and first did the acu-mat, then lit the candle and immediately I got messages. I won’t bother to repeat them all here. I know what they are. They are directing me to connect with the MIAP at the crown and follow ITS instructions, and to leave the lower energies to dissipate and disappear. Don’t give them any power. Let them go. IT IS SPONTANEOUS – yes! That is what I’ve been always looking for – spontaneous. Spirit is flowing, never stopping. And more: while trying to analyze the problem of the crown light coming down the central column first before kundalini is aroused - this per the Aurobindo info I just read in John White’s book - yes! I remember! I DID have that feeling of wanting to go down deeper below the heart on the day kundalini awakened during Shirley's guided meditation in 1976, deeper down to what lies below.

It WAS the downward flow first, which then contacted the kundalini at the seat and the kundalini took me back upward. Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, this is so important. The information I typed yesterday is so important. Aurobindo’s discovery is so important. This is what tantra is. Tantra is following the light at the crown, not focusing on raising kundalini. No! No! No! That ancient text is obsolete. There is now a new instruction coming for mankind. OK, I got it now. I am excited now.

Yes, when I want to lie down and bliss out, that’s when I need to make myself move. I am – I AM – meaning the Great I AM, is the one in charge, the light coming down from above, from the great I AM above. I am on the verge of clearing the brain and body of the past mistakes and errors that have become stuck there at the top, in the brain, the old lines of thought, the old lines of beliefs that the little me created. The little me is not in charge! The BIG Me is the one in control! I AM the big ME! This is amazing. 


5/23/23 - The stories are stored in the Earth

An article by Thoth gave me insight while doing exercises. What I was getting yesterday from Mary Magdalene and Mother Gaia, are mirrored by Thoth. These ideas seem to be connected to the visceral, the lower abdomen. We have to open to the Earth. I felt it so clearly. The stories are stored in the earth, along with discarded old cadavers. The body died and the buried particles contain the stories in them. The stories are in the earth, waiting to be recalled. They are held there for the owners, the souls, to come back and reclaim them.

The second chakra is the lower abdomen. It has been closed off for eons, so people don’t go down into the earth to reclaim and remember their past lives. We are stuck in our heads. We don’t remember. See Mother Earth’s article on the snake in the abdomen. The kundalini. Most people think that we are supposed to go UP. Well, yes, we are supposed to go up to reunite with Father God, but we have left so much of ourselves behind and have not fulfilled our mission here. We have left many bodies behind, decaying in the earth. The stories are held locked in the earth, frozen in time. We’re supposed to go up the spine to the top of the head, and according to Taoists and Buddhists, fountain out and around and down again, to go down into the earth and continue to cycle back up through the feet and spine and head and back down again in a continual flow. It’s called the Torus breath. This is a “sweeping” effect. We are sweeping up old residue that we left behind. We will remember if we continue to flow our river of electrons up, down and around.

Slowly we will remember and pick up the memories by recycling this circulation pattern. It’s a circuit, a flowing, a river of life. We flow up the spine and we flow back down around the outside of our bodies sweeping thru the auric field. And we bring it up thru the central channel of the etheric spine. It will get home thru the central channel. We will remember more and more as we do this. We will remember how to get back home, and also we will remember our past lives. We will become enlightened by picking up this knowledge, the stories, but we must do it viscerally. We are reclaiming what we left behind in past lives. We are remembering. I speak for myself, I am remembering, I am feeling it viscerally. The stories of our past lives are held in the earth, in the dust of the earth. Our old decaying bodies went back to the dust and they hold the memories in the particles of LIGHT that we all have inside us. We don’t know that we have particles of LIGHT inside us. Our past lives were lived in ignorance. Now we are remembering. We MUST return to the earth to reclaim them, those that we left behind, we do it with our focus and our attention and our willingness to go DOWN into the lower earth. We must go down to get the past stories. We must connect with Mother Earth.

This means going down into the sub-conscious parts of ourselves that we have forgotten. This requires feeling the emotion. The emotions have been blocked to us by our focus on surface things. Focus on superficial outer distractions keep us from slowing down, going inward, going down, settling peacefully down, down, down, feeling the lower denser sensations. They are not bad. They are good but they’ve been ignored. We stashed them in a dark closet and didn’t look at them again. The dark has always had us go up to our heads and to project outward to the outer world, and to stay there in our heads and outer world, repeating the same old, same old, same old, boring stuff. Life is monotonous and boring. We have lost our ability to move forward and be creative and use our imaginations because we’ve been cut off from the excitement of our passions, our aliveness, our eagerness, our desires to know more, to be curious, to be daring, to be bold, to be adventurous. Instead, we became like slugs and snails crawling along on the surface without vision or hope. The stories that are hidden in us are called the Akashic records. We must FEEL our way into them. Words won’t do it. Let emotions lead you but always with a desire to lift up into the sunshine and the light so you can examine them.


6/4/23 - Higher self waits for us to reach up

The higher self waits for us to reach up and connect with it. It will not do the work for us. Last night I felt heavy in my chest, hard time breathing. I wondered about it, thought about it, tried to find a solution to help myself. And finally I took a shower and went into the meditation room after Doug went to sleep, around 11 pm. I started out on my chair, but then started getting direction from higher self. I pulled up a chair to the altar and turned on some Tibetan flute music, and began to communicate. It was probably two hours that I was there. I cannot tell all that happened, but the bottom line is: I surrendered my human experiences and all that was left from prior times, and invited my MIAP [Mighty I Am Presnece] and HCS [Holy Christ Self] to come in and join me. I found that it was ME who has to perform this task, not my Higher Self. My Higher Self waits for me to reach up and invite it. I have to join with it. I have to find that aspect of my higher nature in me and wed it with my lower nature. It is my task and responsibility. So that is what I did. I used yesterday’s dramatic breakthrough of realizing that I myself have to do the effort of raising the three lower energy centers and “stuck” energies that I’ve been feeling, UPWARD. I do them with the bandas, the muscle locks. Suck it up. I must study these locks more carefully and do them right. In the morning I did not notice the heavy chest or hard time breathing this morning. The inner voice says: Your mother flame is YOU! The mother flame has all 7 attributes tucked away in her sacred divine pouch, waiting for you to open it and release it, activate the quality, then it rises up the spinal column. YOU are the one who does this, your own divine nature does this as you awaken and become aware of how the physical body works

6/5/23 - Long lost particles being released from lockdown  

Awareness: There are no negative forces in me. They are lost bits and pieces I left behind when I died in past lives. During cobra stance I saw/felt/knew there is no peeling away of negative forces held locked and frozen in my painful aches and painful parts (deteriorating parts). No! Not at all! These are the lost bits and pieces of ME from past ages that have not been appreciated or raised up in their glory to the highest as they should have been. I must find them again in every little sharp pain I get, and dizziness, and immediately start to love them and care for them. This is what yoga does if there is a good teacher to instruct the student. It is so standard to overlook this. The tradition is to focus on the physical solid body and we miss what is most important and crucial – that there are three powers that need to be uncovered and raised up: Love is the most important, wisdom is the next, and power the third. These are the three lower chakras. The power is actually the first, it is the kanda at the base of the spine. The power is the power to move. It is the will to be here in body. Wisdom is the second power, the power to intelligently apply movement, with skillful management and being wise, how to fit action into your life. How to be careful, be in control, how fast, how slow, how long, how intense, how precise. When you move action into a proper place it rises upward with gladness in its heart to be so appreciated and saved. Glory be!! It says, and feels great love for rescuing it. I am my own savior of my little lost ones, little particles of myself. Jesus said, “I am here to collect my lost lambs.” We thought it was people he was collecting but it was himself all along. He was sharing a most important secret, a sacred meaning in symbolic form and allegory.

Another awareness: The mother flame in me at the tailbone holds all seven of the powers and attributes in her sacred pouch of divinity. She is the life force. As we grow in SELF consciousness and SELF awareness, we use these seven powers one at a time in order (usually in order, sometimes not in order) best if done in order but a teacher is needed or we would not know this. The Mother Flame is the first chakra holding the pouch of perfection and purity with the seven powers intact. The power to move is this first power, the power to move this physical vessel, its limbs, arms, legs, voice. It CAN move - under the wishes and control of the resident soul. The WILL power. The power of acting and expressing in voice and movement which it cannot do in a coma or sleeping, for then the power is shut off. But when awake the power of action is there in the vessel. It is held locked in the tail bone and literally drips the life force gently, drop by drop up the spine to the organs AS NEEDED, as the resident soul calls on them. THE SECOND POWER (chakra) to become aware of, is intelligence and wisdom. The third to become aware of is love and appreciation, caring, gentleness, kindness, precision of movement. These three are the three-fold powers that need to be brought up to the heart, which is the fourth power, and THEN the head - fifth and sixth powers.
 
(Another awareness)  While doing the deer-crane-turtle I started losing consciousness. I felt myself zoning out. I felt to lie down on the massage table. I was sitting on the table so I lay back, feeling like swooning, thankfully blessing the softness of the blanket under me and closed my eyes. 18 minutes later I became conscious again.  Something woke me but I can’t recall now what it was. I lay there wondering. Then an eye appeared to my inner eye. Someone looking at me. At first it was fuzzy, then it became clear, sharp, strangely intimate, like sending me a message. I think it was my higher self. Then suddenly a shift of some kind, unknown, and sparkles of light started floating upward, like dainty little bubbles in gentle swirling motion. There was a sense of happiness, of gleefulness. A child’s happiness and clapping of hands in delight, in excitement and joy. Could this be long lost particles of light being released from lock-down? YES! I am getting. YES, YES, YES. Then I went to the bathroom and read Caroline Oceana’s Collective about exactly this same thing: releasing old suppressed sub-atomic particles. It was so amazing.
 
During the stomach exercises I am hearing words: “The powers of creation are beyond your ability to comprehend, but the powers of healing are not. It is through healing yourself and letting go of the past creations that you built into your bodies, that you will come back into knowing and remembering how you created them in the first place. And how you have held onto them to keep yourself in the world of form and duality. And hence, the suffering and the pleasure of finding yourself again and again. For you are the Light that you are drawn to. You are uncovering your own Light through this process of healing and letting go.”
 
The inner voice kept saying “I surrender my human artificial qualities, the not-real qualities, I release them and send them home, thanking them for serving me." During back exercises, “Don’t force yourself. Rest a lot in the arms of love and comfortable feelings. Wait until your body is recovered for the next action. This way you create with love, peace and kindness for yourself, not force. Actions which are devoid of love go down, pulled down to lower frequencies. Beware.
 
Everything that I “do” in action leaves a mark of energy in me or on me somewhere, not sure exactly how, but it is the use of the sub-atomic light particles. Everything I “do” unconsciously drifts downward by gravity, attracted I suppose by the magnetic forces held in the dust and soil of the earth. But if I consciously apply love and light to the “doing”, whatever action I’m taking, it “lifts” or elevates the sub-atomic particles, and they are attracted upward magnetically to the Light above me, on a higher frequency, a higher speed of electrons, a higher dimension. This higher dimension is our Source. We come from the higher levels, we were born out of the highest levels of purity. We had to learn the art of descending our Light downward to slower, denser levels in order to coagulate and cling together. This is how we formed physical bodies. It is how we manifested concrete forms. Concrete forms are made of light but they’ve been crunched down so they cling together to make them feel more solid and heavy. In order to reverse the process, we need to apply CONSCIOUS lightness to what we do. This will take practice. It hasn’t been taught us how to do this process. “Think LIGHT” when washing dishes. Think LIGHT when walking through grocery stores. Think LIGHT when driving the car or talking on the phone, Think LIGHT when visiting a friend in person. Or working with machinery. It will take practice, hands-on practice, so begin NOW! Find words to think of and remember and apply.
 

6/6/23 - Looking for lost light particles

Somewhere in the night, don’t know when or how, the LIGHT popped through into my heart. This was a real, radiating, scintillating light, like the sun. The reality of it was sharp and clear on inner levels. It just “knew”. It was the first time this ever happened. I have imagined the light there but this was the real thing. From that point on I was continually aware of the sharp clear scintillating image of the LIGHT in my heart, and also, eventually, it transformed into an image of myself in the white caftan and, strangely enough, a white head band around my forehead. I haven’t used a headband before but the picture hanging in the med room shows a woman with a headband and sword pointing down. Now, this sword was also in the experience that occurred somewhere between then and later. I showered with care, slowness, connected to the image in my heart, and then I did the acu-mat. All the while I stayed in the practical mind, so I wouldn’t lose contact with my outer world. But then, when done, I sat up wondering what to do.
 
I asked. Waited. Pulled up a chair to the altar and called on the Ascended Masters first. Then I just went with whatever happened and I don’t really remember too much. Oh yes. It seemed that I spread the scintillating God-light in my heart around to different parts of my body. Then it went further down into the earth, into the spaces between the matter forms. I went looking for lost particles of light. There was space in the earth, dark space, smoggy, shadowy, mostly like outer space. But I was looking for the lost light particles. This is vague now, remembering. But the sense of looking into the darkness for light particles is very real. It’s ancient. Very ancient. Time-wise on earth, it’s ancient light. Many bodies were buried with light particles that were never reclaimed or redeemed. I was gathering them. Looking for them, bringing them into me. I was swallowing them, absorbing them, calling to them, I was gathering them. This went on until I felt I should go lie down and sleep so I could go yet deeper than my conscious mind can take me. So I did. I blew out the candles and went to lie down, curled up on my side, and waited for sleep to take me. It did.
 
From 9:18 and I woke with a start at 10:10 or something, can’t quite remember now. A bolt of awakeness struck. I sat up feeling a bit stunned or out of whack. It was ancient light. Really, really deep, far out. And then we bonded. [Made love.] I didn’t do sadhana. I put on Tibetan flute music for the first time and we lay cuddling for a long time. The music soothed us, even Doug was more passive than usual. When we bonded physically, I naturally fell into the ancient lost light particle theme. I felt for his lost light, and it wasn’t long, maybe 5 minutes, that he came to orgasm smoothly, without a lot of pumping action. I kept hearing repeated over and over, “the ancient light, it’s not long, only in space and time,” and I received a lot of information that I can’t quite put into words. About how the light is not far away, it is only far away because of our separating from it in the form of ACTION. Action keeps us away from the peace and silence of the light. Also I was shown how light came first as an abstract. Love comes from connecting. It is in the reaching to connect that love is felt. This was deep and powerful but I can’t find the words to explain it further. 


6/8/23 - Super-energized, getting past locked doors, crystal light

Today during routine exercises, I’m feeling super energized, quick on my feet. Too much energy In my bran, started receiving right away and writing notes to myself. This is coming in very strong, intense, powerful, must write. Tuning into the powers within, not outside. How to get past the locked doors. It’s the doors all through the body – in the hands and feet, the stomach, the back muscles, the solid body that we focus on so intently, for which we run to the doctor whenever something goes wrong with in the outer body. We get some medicine to take and seal up the door again. Our prison door that keeps us safely locked up inside so we can’t get out. “I AM here to help get you out!”.
 
A little later, I can’t breathe. After the backbend and cobra I sit and connect, remembering. Bring it UP, up, up. Meet your higher self! She’s there in the coccyx. Bring it UP to the heart and the brain. Step out of the box of thinking you’re only a physical body. Step out of the box into freedom and sunlight flooding. Do it slowly. Bring it up the spine via the Torus breath and fountain it up, out, around and down. Repeat. Flow it. Keep it loose and flowing. Brain focus has been blocking the flow. All that “ME” knowledge is blocking the flow. The focus on “Me” as if I’m important! “Me” is the body focus. As if what this body feels is all that is important. There is more to “me” than the body! The focus on body is EXACTLY what is causing the pain, the heart aches, the body aches, the disabilities, the aging, the discomfort, the brain fog. It’s the focus on the physical deterioration that is causing the “sick” feelings that are slowly creeping in and insidiously invading the wholeness that is me, invading the body cells, to make me THINK I am dying. It’s focusing my THINKING process on dying and disintegration. The eternal spirit, the holy spirit, the pure life-giving spirit is NOT dying! It can’t die! It has been simply held back from expressing.
 
We’ve been focusing so much on the body that is dying. We are causing our own dying process by focusing on the body alone, as if the body alone is what is important. We are missing the rest of our wholeness, the auric field, the emotions, the mental, the spiritual, the etheric. The holy spirit, the pure life-giving spirit is all of these together. The connection is there inside a crystal ball in the pelvic bowl, and we are holding it back from releasing because we don’t know about it. Nobody told us!  It needs to be invited out to flow again, to express. It needs to be released. I know. I was taught. I’ve been trained. Let go! Relax! Breathe in and breathe out through the sacrum. Picture the sacrum. Bring it into focus, flow it, imagine it, pure crystalline light sparkles flowing up the spine, breaking through the obstacles, little things that are not very big, not very strong. This pure dazzling crystalline divine light can smash right through them, melt through, right on through them if only we knew! Right through to the top of the head.
 
With help, and Marcus can help, but not just him – everyone can help, with friends and family, by putting  hands on them. Marcus can start the process because he’s been trained. Not just in this life, he’s been trained in former lives. We are talking about the life force known as the kundalini. It is also known by other names in other cultures, such as Christians call it the holy spirit, or the Christ. Shakti, shekinah, Krishna and other names in other parts of the world. The focus on sex, sin, guilt and shame has had us as if in bondage, tied to limited thinking, and we had no idea! We were imprinted with a massive conspiracy imprinting of fear, shame and guilt and we had no clue. We were babes in the wood being programmed before we could walk and talk. We did not understand. How could we? This has been going on for many centuries. Now kundalini is here. It is a big word. An unknown word but I am going to introduce it to the culture. There is a plan brewing. It is very close now, close enough to begin the group gatherings. Tantra is part of the kundalini instruction. The word Tantra needs to be straightened out. It has been ignorantly misunderstood. There have not been enough true teachers or healers. We are introducing it now because it’s time. Simply that it’s time. The universe has lined up some people to bring this forth. (* See footnote)
 
I did the back bend off the bed and the cobra. I’m working with forces beyond traditional thinking. Kundalini opens for everyone with LOVE. Our teaching is about LOVE. Our emphasis is on love. The first emphasis is on love. There is only one energy in all of creation and it is LOVE. Creation in the form world is done by playing with different aspects of love. Moving with it or moving away from it (rejecting it). It is the moving and shaking, exploring and defining the various perspectives and understandings of LOVE. The ultimate love is wholeness, completion, fulfillment, hence the word “holy”, rapture, ecstasy, bliss. But love doesn’t end there, to rest and relax and be forgotten, because there are more souls coming along who are still experimenting with LOVE. It is a continual experimenting, never stopping, never relaxing, always present in the moment that is here now. The building of more and more love is a continuing, ongoing, eternal process of life that never ends but continues building more. There is no end to love because it keeps adding more to itself. There are an infinite number of consciousnesses who are evolving in love and each is unique, one of a kind, discovering another way to experience love – the primal energy of creation we ALL use in creating.
 
I was bringing the energy up to the heart thru the throat to the brain when I was on fire again and stopped to write, “Got to get the energy to the brain!”, realizing that the brain is getting this message and I must write it! We think there is hate, violence and anger, depression, sickness and death, but it is all created from love, Out of a desire for more love, or what one thinks is love. Whether it be from a selfish controlling perspective or from a benevolent way of sacrifice and martyrdom, we are all focusing on love. And BALANCE is what brings us closer to it. Balance the extremes that appear. Balance them with love. Find the unity, the harmony, the way of merging the extremes and you will experience love. My brain is sprouting colors now, coming up from the coccyx and the pelvic bowl, clearing a channel through the sushumna, the central etheric channel surrounding the spinal cord. It goes all the way to the brain where it becomes a super-organ of intelligence WHEN IT IS INSPIRED BY THE KUNDALINI.
 
It is clearing now. There are two arcs in the brain now, one going left and one going right out of the central channel to the pituitary. I am doing the neck exercises now. The colors are sprouting up, one here, one there, faster and faster and all at once. It’s not the brain that is coming alive, it is ME that is coming alive! sprouting the awareness and the colors. I AM the awareness in the brain bringing conscious awareness up the spine to my organ of the brain. I AM the incandescent surreal colors sprouting many different aspects of divinity as they unfold into my brain. I AM the divinity that has been held locked in down below, prior to this moment. I AM bringing it up to the brain so this body can recognize itself in the physical form and the physical world and use it here!  I am activating my male side. The sparks, the angels, the devas are in the trees. I see the faeries in the trees. I at first think it’s the sun reflecting off the moisture on the leaves but it’s the faeries or elementals, whatever name you want to call them. You first think it’s the sun but if it looks brighter and it twinkles at you as if it’s drawing your attention to it, if you pause and connect with it you know that it’s a faerie. (End sadhana at 12:08)

FOOT NOTE, INSPIRED YESTERDAY, 6/7/23 - Tantra is the sacred art of growing new links by conjoining opposites. Not by replacing or substituting one for another. It is like grafting a different plant onto another plant to create a more advanced evolved plant from two separate species. Opposites can be grafted together to create something new and more advanced. More evolved. My higher self is divine and holy. I am not. It is coming closer down to me as I use enlightened words that are higher and purer than my normal words. My higher self links with these higher holy words and can come closer to me. I can see my higher aspect more closely as I do this. It is more brilliant than me. More colorful, it is bluish and with other colors mixed in, transparent colors, divine, holy, pure. It is coming closer and it is connecting my awareness to itself. I feel myself becoming more elevated. I am merging with my higher self. I am an opposite of my higher self. I am human. It is divine. We are grafting together like two species. One not pure, the other pure. This is Tantra.



7/16/23 - To die or not to die - The Antahkarana

The Antahkarana is the new more refined solar self (soul) coming thru. I've been doing the 7 rainbow colors in the night (the Antahkarana) and feel good upon getting up. I feel clear-brained, not dizzy. It is the better way. More refined. I received the word “betterment” a few days ago and received the word Antahkarana yesterday. I’d heard it before and have been working with it all night. There is a thread of consciousness which is connected to it, IS the thread of consciousness I suspect, or is the kundalini thread. I'm not sure at this point. I’ve been on its trail. The other thread is the thread connected to the physical body. They are two distinct threads or aspects to me. I am the soul coming into dominance over the physical matter body. My body is the lesser personality trying to die, a temporary personality. I’ve had many personalities. And again, it is time to die. The body has only so much time given to it. I am both the body and the soul. There has been confusion over this. Who am I? What should I do? Should I give in or should I resist the dying? There are many advisors. Who do I listen to?

I’ve been the soul all along, living this life through this body as the Nancy personality, not knowing but learning. Now its time is over. It is time for the body to die and give up the ghost. But I have been learning how spirit functions in the body. I know spiritual laws and have more spiritual knowledge than I used to have. I have grown wise. I am read up on the matter and the purpose for human embodiment. I haven’t experienced the death process quite like this before. I’ve experienced many past lives but this time I’m more aware. I’ve got a better understanding, a better grip on it. It’s becoming clearer than ever. I am closer than ever. I have learned something. I have learned that there is far more to experience by sticking with the body and living divinely through the body, than by giving up the ghost and starting all over again in a new baby body. The soul/spirit in me knows better. I’ve reached the point of knowing. I know better how to apply the laws, the gifts of spirit known as the Antahkarana, the rainbow bridge composed of seven colors. This was the last piece of information I received over the last two nights. I have been through the seven dimensions. I’ve been instructed. I’ve been guided. The only thing I needed was to make the transition myself. It was mine to do. I am ready now. This is the big switch-over! These are my thoughts today. Should I?


8/31/23 - Descending the first time into physical form

During my shower this morning I saw that when the descension happened the first time - of the spirit spark coagulating into density on its way into form and sentient experience - it did not know what to expect. It was a first-time experience feeling the closeness of electrons in matter gathering around it. This was a revelation experience. At the time it was a sensual or visceral experience. Then it began having experiences in form. It began having reactions and responses to bumping up against other forms. There was a break and it ascended back to the light to regroup, and then it returned to form again and to more sensual experiences. There were then many lifetimes of descending down into form and, when done with that life, ascending back to the light to remember and adjust. But in the process it accumulated memories through these experiences, some good, some bad. It gathered these memories and eventually it gathered enough understanding and knowledge of how to live in a solid form that it could master them and overcome the discrepancies. Eventually it became an ascended master which ascended back into the light and remained there. It did not need to go back into form unless it chose to. Now I am seeing this. I am seeing that the descension comes down the front (as I see it) and the ascension goes up the spine where the secret doors in the spine are kept locked until the spirit finds them and unlocks them itself, one at a time. This is a powerful new insight. I am now breathing down the front of me in the soft organs, and ascending up the spinal cord, known as the sushumna, and unlocking the secret chakra doors to enter the higher realms. It is an ascending journey of CONSCIOUS AWARENESS back to the light.

2/19/25 - Bring the back and front abdomen together (higher self)

I woke this morning with an awareness that my body feels dead. I asked my higher self what to do about it to awaken. Teachings began. You must move, wiggle around. Yes, that’s it. (Still in bed starting to wiggle.) You are the light of the body, the God of the body, but you as light can’t tell your physical to move. Light can’t move physical matter so you who have joined with the physical body must initiate the movement of the physical with a thought, or intention. Use will power to communicate it to the body and your body will do the work. You are the overseer of your body, you are the master. You have not been a good master. You did not know. You are now learning to work with your body. YOU must tell it and nudge it to start acting, then it will take over and move. If you don’t tell it to move or nudge it to move it will remain inactive and not move. Especially at the age it is accustomed to dying, from past lives. (I began moving my arms and legs and body. It was easy enough. I just began moving and thinking “gentle” as I was urged to do. The wiggling around felt good, stretching both sides. It didn’t need force, just gentle intention. I wasn’t really aware of any separation between “me” and “it”. I am one with my body.)

I am thinking “Gentle”. My HS is talking to me. If we think “gentle” in all our tasks and approach a task with the thought of “gentle” and “peaceful” or “mindful”, the task will be much easier because the body will take charge and move. I am finding this to be true when I go to sit up. If I don’t think “Gentle, gentle, gentle” and start to sit up without thinking, my nerves screech excruciating pain. But the “gentle, gentle” approach and sitting up slowly with that thought in mind, allows no pain, just go slow.

More teachings from HS. Breathe into the tail bone gold sparkles, keep focus on the breath itself. Hold your attention on your breathing. Bring your awareness to a single point and enter into the breath. Think “I am Father Light moving down my spine to the earth. Flowing thru the floor at the tailbone. Open the abdomen, connecting with Mother Earth. Suddenly, “It is not Father Light but Mother Light. I am Mother Light flowing down from the Great Central Sun, my Home, your and my Home, we are one.” The cells of the body are Mother Light. Mother’s Light has solidified. Even the outer edges of the cell are solidified. The whole cell is Mother Light. This is different from what I had supposed – that a “crust” of foreign material encased Mother’s Light. But not true. The whole cell is Mother’s Light. The cell has been frozen from lack of flowing. The cells are made of Mother’s Light but were locked into inactivity, a solid thing, over many lifetimes. This is the Light I have come to retrieve, to liberate, to free from the confines of prison. Jesus mentioned it too. He came to retrieve his children.

It is time to activate the cells in your body, and you do it with love. Send love to them. Focus love into the body as often as you can. Continue loving the body and stroking while loving if you can. Do this with others. You will soften the body’s cells and invite them to shimmer and move, to come alive, to activate. Nurture them with loving appreciation. Talk to them silently, intentionally. Send love into your cells. Mantra: I am Mother Light flowing down from the Great Central Sun, our Home. Bring this great light and love down into the tight cells jammed together to make a solid body, and loosen them with awareness. Take time to become aware. Pause to take time. Your appreciation of them and acknowledgement of them is how you activate your inner light. Soften them with your gratitude and appreciation. Use “Gentleness”. Gentle, gentle, gentle. I love you. See the abdomen supporting the back bone. This is on the etheric plane. As the physical relaxes and softens it expands into the etheric plane. The back bone needs more light.

Start with imagining the physical, and allow it to expand into the etheric. The backbone needs more support. It has been carrying the load of the whole body structure. See the back and the front abdomen coming together into a strong solid core of etheric energy, joining together in the etheric. The tailbone is open downward and connecting to Mother Earth’s Kundalini. Your kundalini and Earth’s kundalini are connecting and you are feeling the strengthening. Your original divine blueprint is awakened into action and can move, expanding upward thru the spine, past the restriction blockages. Become aware of this area where the pain is. Send love, not fear. Do not force yourself to move. Let your body feel the softening from you, your appreciation, and it will move readily and easily. Pause and send love to it. See sparkles of golden light surrounding and penetrating this area. Build a solid trunk in your inner tree, lower lumbar pelvic region, ethericly, to hold your whole body together. Use love. Always use love as you breathe into this area. Breathe love into all the cells of the body.
 
3/12/25 - What happens when vibrations drop

(An auto-writing.) Increase vibration. A dream showed me what happens when vibrations drop. The electrons are negative and they orbit around their central sun, the protons which are positive. Like our planet which is a negative, orbits around our sun which is positive. The electrons pick up speed and go faster around their sun when we are in joy or a mood of celebration, freedom, laughing, joyful – this increases their speed AND our vibration. The electrons are conscious and they get the message. How? From the person who is laughing or dancing and celebrating. It’s the consciousness of the human that is sending the message to the body’s cells, specifically the electrons. This is an ascended master teaching. Because the electrons are also conscious, our conscious mood sends messages all the time to the electrons to either speed up and go faster, which influences the feelings of the cells in our body to feel better, or to slow down their speed because the electrons are “obeying” the mood of the person sending it.
 
Ascended masters explain this very well, in detail, how these electrons are conscious, are negative to their positive centers, and therefore MUST obey the intelligent master of the body, meaning the human being who resides in the body. The electrons are the sparks of pure intelligence that compose the infinite sea of intelligence. These electrons are used to compose physical forms. They REFLECT the intelligence of the human who resides in that body. If this were more universally known, human beings would start paying more attention on purposefully staying in a light, care-free, or positive mood, by whatever word you might call it. An uplifting attitude versus a dull, monotonous, dragged-down feeling. Moment by moment, our moods are picked up by the electrons that are everywhere in our physical body. They compose our lungs, our heart, our kidneys, stomach, digestive system, muscles, etc. The whole physical body feels “down” when we harbor fear, worry, stress, fatigue or horror, because these little electrons are mirroring that negative attitude, and thus the cells are feeling that negative attitude.
 
On the other hand, when we change our thoughts to love, appreciation, gratitude – the continuous, eternal teachings that are coming down to us left, right and center – harboring THESE types of thoughts will change our emotions and the feelings of our bodies will change to lightness, happiness, freedom, pleasure, whatever we are engaging ourselves in, either alone or with people. If we are with people who drag us down, the teachings are to either leave them, get out of their vicinity, or say something of higher vibration (with firmness and loud enough to make a difference) to change the communication with the other person.
 
There is sub-atomic space between the electrons and molecules of the body. Star Trek refers to sub-space. This sub-space between the electrons is being taught by new-agers in how to change your beliefs and attitudes. They are referring to the space between the electrons and molecules. Change your thought to more joyful thoughts, by whatever word would make you feel creative, enthusiastic, exhilarated, happy, excited, playfully free, use your own words that would uplift you. Then think on these words. The longer you think on a happy thought, the more your electrons of your body will pick up the thought and start increasing their speed. Your body will start showing signs of lightening up. You’re creating an emotion by doing this. An emotion is created by holding onto a thought long enough for the electrons or the sub-space in your body, to reflect it. A fleeting though that comes and goes, will not do it. A thought must held long enough to be picked up by the electrons. This is a teaching from the ascended masters. Create joyousness in ALL situations, and change your life.
 
When your mood drops so do the electrons slow their speed. Then your muscles, tissues, organs all droop and register this slow down. Pay attention to your thoughts and moods. Notice how your body reflects your moods. What causes the electrons to pick up or slow down? That is the big question. It requires paying attention. I think we all are not that good at paying attention. Real focused attention. But knowing about the electrons will help. This is new information. And, remember, this is an ascended master teaching. We haven’t heard this in mainstream science yet. The search is on.
 
I just ended about 10 days closed up inside the house, my choice. I did not go outside in nature into the pasture that I am accustomed to doing. Not once in 10 days. I didn’t notice. It just happened. I remained inside the house doing my normal routines, even my meditations were done inside the closed meditation room.  And I became steadily heavier and heavier in body, in mood and feeling, until I finally noticed that I was ignoring the fact I was depressed. Finally when I had difficulty breathing, I thought it was a physical problem. Then I asked my guidance and received the hint, the clue. And then a dream: get outside into Mother Nature. Breathe her fresh air. So I did that and the first day, one hour chanting in the sun and air, was amazing. My heaviness lifted and now I am doing it every day. Today when I went out and did the one hour in the sun and air, I actually felt joy and enthusiasm. Now I will make sure I go out into Mother Natlure every day.
 
But there’s more. I can do things, like read inspiring words that excite me. Do creative projects that energize me. The electrons slow down when there is no movement. Movement in the consciousness or awareness or attention or Intention. These words denote intelligence movement or spiritual movement. A high mood is God moving in me or slowing down into stagnancy and dullness. Picture a wheel slowing down from very fast to slower, slower, slower, stop. This is what happens when the mind slows and loses velocity (loses interest), as the emotion lowers into negativity, like dullness, no excitement, nothing to interest me  – versus the highs of excitement, enthusiasm, a project going forward and being creative, or I’m visiting with a friend, laughing, sharing, revealing, then I am being procreative. There is exciting work taking place, projects waiting, anticipation of more creativity. When the mind slows down, activity slows down, the emotions slow down and cause depression if not caught in time to raise it back up again. This does not mean stillness as in meditation, that’s another story that involves God intention, which is surrendering to the God Source.
 
What causes the electrons to slow down into a depressing state, is the human factor, not the God Source surrendering. The human emotion is either raising up or dropping down. The quantum field is the zero point sub-space factor, or neutral space. That which drops below the quantum state is minus-50. That raises above the quantum state is plus-50. Think of something creative to raise the mood above the 50-plus level, and you get excitement. DO something to create excitement! Consciousness closes down when it drops below the 50-minus level. Consciousness is the key factor. Become conscious of moods. It picks back up again when there is something waiting to tackle, the proactive side of me pushes forward with excitement. Not with dread, but excitement. Anything that picks me up, that I feel I MUST do because it’s my responsibility to do it and I know I’ll feel good when it’s done. Even housework. Even tackling something I’ve been dreading. Get it going. Get it done. Feel the feeling of success and victory. Do it and it will reward you with a lifting up mood and put a smile on your face. A happy ending, indeed. Remember the Happy Ending! Pick up speed It is your consciousness, your awareness that increases a thousand-fold. It changes from dullness to moving mountains. Move!
 

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​Copyright 2026 Nancy Peinze Wilson