Anakosha

Integrating sex and spirituality

Mystical Movements

A Personal Story of Kundalini Awakening

​A book in progress

by Nancy Peinze Wilson

Table of Contents 

Introduction

Part 1 - The Awakening of Kundalini
      Chapter 1 - The awakening
      Chapter 2 - Caught in a magic spell
      Chapter 3 - Sex and kundalini
      Chapter 4 - My first rapture
      Chapter 5 - The little red book

Part 2 - The unfolding of Kundalini

(the rest is in process of selection)  
 
1970 - A Prebirth vision
12/1/81 - Experiencing the rigidity of the body
12/2/81 - Free of the body, tied to universal loveliness
1/20/82 - How I met the Master Djwhal Khul
2/5/82 – Releasing the seven centers
2/15/82 – There is a constant explosion outward
4/17/82 - A vision: How does one explain the splendor of the sun?
7/9/82 – Resigning myself to the lovely essence
10/24/82 – Tiny pin pricks of light entering the body from outside
11/24/84 - Light-filled revelations
2/24/85 - Asking questions of my Higher Self (in Hyatt Hotel, Orlando)
1/23/86 - Messages from my higher self 
10/1/86 - Q & A with my Higher Self
10/2/86 - Holiness is abstract until you make your mark on the world
10/15/86 - Kundalini and the glow in the pelvis
10/16/86 - One need not be humble, allow largeness to take place
10/26/86 - The power is given into the pelvic region
10/28/86 - A walk with my higher self among the stars
5/14/97 – A transparent body filled with nothingness, then diamonds flashing
7/14/01 - Planting the power seed, the sky power into the earth
7/16/01 - Replacing old DNA with new light DNA
12/3/05 - The bliss that resides within the body 
9/25/12 - Lowering the Divine Plan into humanity
6/17/14 – Releasing treasure chests full of jewels
8/2/14 – I know things as if I am the knowledge itself
8/3/14 - It's not just kundalini, it's the angels descending
10/21/15 - Healing the ancestors with sister who passed
8/18/17 - The brilliant spark of God light thru massage 
4/17/18 - Message from the Presence: You are a star-based being
11/16/18 - Golden threads weave through the body
11/17/18 - The alien male sinister force 
1/9/21 – Dismantling of 3D identity
8/31/23 - Descending the first time into physical form
7/16/23 - To die or not to die - The Antahkarana


Introduction 

Buried in rich dark soil, a seed lies passive. Its shell, a hard crust of a thing, looks dead. Watered by spring rains, dried by the spring sun, the seed remains still, enveloped in silence. Day and night there is no sound, no movement coming from the little round casing, now showing signs of age. Days pass into weeks and still there is no change. Weeks become a month and more weeks pass, and the tissue starts to dissolve. The seed is dying. its vitality withdrawing to the core.
 
Suddenly a crackling sizzle leaps into life. Across the inner spaces of electrons and central suns, something moves which did not move before. It cuts a path of exquisite alertness across the decaying tissue, and in its wake there follows peace. An expanding, wonderful peace. From outside, in the dark heavy soil, the seed appears totally still. The barely perceptible trembling goes unnoticed. There is no evidence of the movement going on inside. No one sees the subtle electricity that jumps from nerve to nerve like lightening through the body of the seed, now in the throes of germination. No one hears the cries of pain and confusion as a mighty power pours itself into the little body through an opening in the heart. There is no one to witness the imbuing of an invisible fire, no one to feel the agony, and then the ecstasy as cell walls are ruptured by a powerful sensitivity that knows no time or space. And there is no one to share in the overwhelming joy that washes through the soul of the seed as, wave after wave, something overflows the little heart ‘til it threatens to burst its boundaries. No one knows. No one CAN know because the process is secret and private. Hidden.
 
For Days, the waves continue, ebbing and flowing like a living breath, rending the old structure from stem to stern with a deep and profound tenderness, over which flows something new, something pure. On and on it comes, fresh and clean and ebullient, rising, swirling and expanding, amid rays of light and sparkles, bright and happy. Happier than any happiness ever known and finally the joy can be contained no longer and a tiny, hair-line crack appears in the outer casing. Tomorrow a sprout will show and soon it will pierce the topsoil into the light of day. Yet the trauma that the seed went through will never be known. It will pass away, down through the hallways of time to become lost in the majesty of eternity as all things do because - well - because it’s only a seed.
 
A seed has no capacity to tell us what is happening to it. It is only a seed, a tiny little thing lost in the soil. But what if the same thing were to happen to you? Would you tell someone about it? How would you explain it? Would they believe you? How would they know you were not suffering from illusions?
 
You might say, “Ridiculous! Human beings don’t germinate!” And you would be wrong, for human beings DO germinate. This is the story of one such human germination. It is a true story and it is written from the perspectives of two different people: one subjective (the human author) and the other objective (that which channels through the author), both of whom were involved. They weave together, as one, in order to tell this story. The topic is a force, a concentrated force that lives in embryo form in the heart of every living thing, slumbering in the human being, awaiting the nutritious soil of a finer garden in which to be born. It works its wonders quietly and gently in the average human being, as though gathering strength for its remarkable day of awakening, at which time definite biological and mental disturbances take place.
 
An extraordinarily few people are aware of this force but, little by little knowledge is spreading. It is known as “kundalini” in the Far East, perhaps by other names in other societies, and information is coming to us from Eastern spokesmen moving west. Knowledgeable men carrying with them tales from out of ancient scriptures wherein the story is contained, veiled in flowery poetic language, intending, it would seem merely to spin a lengthy fairy tale rather than preserve and hide the deep and sacred truth which it does indeed.
 
There is an aura of mystery surrounding this force and even today, in this enlightened age, it is considered taboo to speak or write about one’s experiences concerning it. The reason for this heavy lid of secrecy which has been handed down by tradition, if not by knowledge, through the centuries to modern times, is elusive as one investigates the strange accounts that are whispered concerning it. Even I, myself, am pressed not to reveal this story and yet, upon recall of the strange happenings that daily filter down into my life and actions, I am urged to throw all warnings to the wind.
 
So strange and aloof are these experiences from all normal aspects of human life that, if I did not believe such an exposure would be of some small benefit to others in a similar predicament, I would not risk exposure to those reactions with which I am now so familiar and accustomed. But I am one of the more fortunate ones, for I have been buffered and insulated from the storms that rage in the outer world, by my husband who encourages me. And there remains no doubt in my mind that there are other individuals out there somewhere, and not just a few, who are either now today being touched by this extraordinary force or who will soon be touched by it in the near future and they will need all the support they can find. For such experiences as are kindled by contact with this mystical wind are deeply personal and sacred only to the one experiencing it, and they are in constant danger of being denied, ignored, ridiculed and cut off from the pure, life-saving intentions that accompany it.
 
Germination does not stop, once begun, and it will not go away. If a man or a woman, upon feeling such warning movements, does not give priority to these instinctive urges, a built-in time bomb begins to click its countdown. Even the smallest shred of evidence, a fleeting shadow of confirmation at such a time is like an intense beacon light sweeping its great rays across a darkened horizon to guide the smallest ship safely home. Not only is evidence needed, but encouragement, love and an uplifting atmosphere, for what is coming through is delicate beyond belief, and our present-day society provides a less than favorable environment.
 
In the particular case which follows, though there were tons of encouragement and love, there was no evidence, no confirmation, no writings, no one who knew anything about what was going on. Only blank, dead stares reflected back to me from the confused faces of friends and associates. Left to fend for myself, I followed these energy movements all alone, as they ebbed and flowed in rhythmic pattern through my body and mind, alternating from peaceful to violent, from a form of ecstasy to a maddening hysteria, cleansing and manipulating my body and reshaping my mind beyond my conscious control. I was forced, with no alternative, to rely upon intuitive judgment - that ultimate training ground of the soul, concerning how to handle this oddity that literally erupted into my daily life and smashed all normalcy to smithereens.
 
And then, as if compunding the strangeness, when intuitive judgment was not enough, as I walked the brink of earthly sanity, there occurred at those critical times the most remarkable interventions which saved me from going over that mental edge from which I know I would not have returned. How these interventions came about, I do not know, for no one, outside of my husband, knew about my predicament. And even he could not know but from observation. As the little book said which presented itself to me one day, “Kundalini is a mystery, and a mystery it shall remain for ever and ever.”
 
People speak freely today of universal energy and the vast powers of the cosmos. I would venture to say here that kundalini must be a condensation of those forces, compressed and compacted to almost a solidification of those powers, as much as powers can be solidified, for they really do press and bend the physical body structure. And once that remarkable mental contact occurs, when the door swings inward upon this hibernating potency, one is not as prone to speak about it so lightly, as once he may have been.
 
The ecstacies of high inspirational moments, those comfortable stretchings of feeling and awareness which occur periodically in individuals, would appear to be a gently flowing kundalini. These experiences would seem to be, and I speak only as an observer of certain actions in myself, the kundalini still in embryo form moving about, much like a human embryo kicks and shifts within the womb. But when the kundalni decides to become born into the physical body and thus into the world, the body and mind which bore it are never the same again.
 
These powers are no longer impersonal but deeply personal, as the objective succumbs, beyond reason, to the subjective experiences now unleashed. Influences and coercions come to bear on that body which seem not to be physical, and yet seem not to be mental in origin. They seem to come from a deeper level. These are forces uncontrollable, welling upwards as from a vast sea of something intangible and unknown. It is heightening and frightening at the same time. Forces, lights, visions, strange ideas, weird contortions, perversions and heart-felt sympathies and sensitivities and much, much more, all happen at once, magnified out of all normal proportion with no control over them to shut them off. One feels somewhat like a computer with an overload, helpless but to experience it. Without the tender sympathies of close associates, one could easily go mad, unable to accept the contradictions now thrust into the consciousness.
 
What am I? Who is this grand and noble one who is coming through, smiling at my wonderment? What lies hidden beyond the periphery of my consciousness? Perhaps it is too vast to measure, but while I am taking myself so exceedingly for granted, I - my very self - am being infused with a larger mind, a broader perspective, a knowledge of future. And with all due respect to the prevailing fears surrounding the subject matter, and these are heavy considerations, I fear more for the prevailing ignorance of my race concerning it.
 
A new age is evidently dawning in the collective consciousness of mankind. The world has reached a certain pinnacle in mental development and it would appear that, in order to go any further without falling back, it must relax into that new dimension, that of the heart, of feeling and awareness, and relax its grip on the hard edges of analytical mind. The preparation so badly needed, it would seem, is not discipline, contrary to popular belief, nor analysis, nor concentration, but rather a certain letting go, a giving in, a bending, a surrendering, to allow forth the inner nature, so that this force may seek and find its true level, uninhibited and free. For one’s own deeper nature is pure and alive beyond comprehension, glistening with the purity of unadulterated passion for the higher life and the grandeur of nobleness. But more I dare not say, for as I stop and look out across this beautiful valley stretched out before me into a far, far blue sky and consider these things, I lend myself too much to it.
 
Something far greater than I is absorbing me, and I am again lifted beyond what is practical. I cease to care whether I write this story or not. I cease to care about explanations, obligations, time or other people, for I see that all is well and pulsing. Nothing more need be done! It is finished and I am drawn irresistibly into a high, high state. It is another realm, superimposed shimmering, sparkling in light brighter than light we know with our physical eyes, upon this physical world in which we live. Would that I could but stay here. But my husband comes and wants dinner.
 
Reluctantly I shift my focus to physical things around me as he has taught me to do and lock in on them, for the other world is a world not of physical matter nor of physical consideration, but of forces and influences, of light and radiations and essences, of clarities and presences and feelings beyond description. And so I must stop my ethereal wanderings, else I will speak of things untimely. Instead, I will force myself to concentrate on telling my story as best I can, with one hand leaning heavily upon Bob and his worldly practicality for he has come a long way to help me, and the other hand leaning heavily on my determination to tell it exactly like it is.
 

PART 1 - THE AWAKENING

Chapter 1
​
Kundalini Awakens

​The gymnasium in which we were sitting was part of a modern, international country club. It had a vaulted ceiling with windows high along both sides, through which the sun sent long beams in the late afternoon hours, downward to splash upon the olive green carpeting. Now there were no beams, only a sense of morning light enhanced by mirrors running along one wall opposite the ballerina bar below the windows. The air was still and lazy. The machines and weight equipment stood each one, quietly in their allotted spaces.

It was a clear, warm April morning in 1976 in Costa Rica, a tiny little country in Central America, where the waters of the Caribbean and the waters of the Pacific bend in to try to touch each other. From the mountains on a clear day, one can stand in certain places and see both bodies of water, east and west. The dry season was at its peak and the sun at its most brilliant on this particular day, burning the already brown hills surrounding the high Central Valley to an even paler brown. There was a sense of anticipation in the air for the first rains were due.

My sister and I sat alone on the floor of the gym, posed for a yoga meditation. For fifteen minutes we waited for Maria who had promised to join us. Silently we waited in expectancy of the meditation, moving languidly, listening to the heat bugs shrilling outside. Finally Shirley murmured something to indicate we would not wait any longer and she began to speak in a slow, soft monotone.

“Close your eyes and take a deep, deep breath. All the way in and hold it. Let it out slowly, counting 1-2-3-4-5-6 as you exhale and hold your breath again. Do this rhythmically. Count to yourself. Breathe in to a count of 6, hold to a count of 8, breathe out to a count of 6 and hold to a count of 8. Practice with this for a while and if you find it uncomfortable, change the ratio so it is comfortable to you. This is called prana yoga. We are breathing in prana along with the air, using the breath to increase the energy in the body. Prana is the life force which exists everywhere, but particularly it is enhanced by the sun.”  My sister stopped talking for a moment and then continued. “It is important not to push yourself beyond what is  comfortable. Let your body be your guide. Let it tell you how much or how little to give it.”

Shirley closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, confidently. I closed mine and did the same. Her six years of teaching yoga to others plus her own intensive training for three years prior to that, enabled her to cut to the heart of this indoctrination easily. It was the first time I had ever submitted to such a discipline, and a gay mood permeated my awareness for I was back in touch with my sister, the oldest of four of us, after many years of separation. But then, I was on a high consistantly it seemed these days in Costa Rica. Bob and I were on a new adventure and we were in love. Our spirits soared every morning when we woke to the song of birds and insects singing in the uncanny peace of a virgin and luxuriant countryside. We would lie in each others arms and snuggle to the sounds of nature’s symphony outside our open window.

Shirley had arrived from New England several weeks ago after two brief exchanges by mail. “Hi: What are doing these days? Am interested in coming down to visit and take stock of myself.” It was signed “Shirley, age 40.”  My answer had been: “Come on down. We’re waiting for you” with a P.S. from Bob which read, “We’ll find you some wealthy Spaniards who love American women!” So, leaving her family behind at the ashram in New Jersey, she had arrived with one suitcase and a load of questions which she had immediately started to spill as we drove home to Escazu. It was the usual procedure after we had been absent from each other for awhile.

Shirley lived on a compound with others who followed the teachings of an Indian enlightened man, Acharya Sushil Kumarji Maharaj., whom they all called Muniji. Shirley is a powerful motivator and self-starter, being the oldest in a line of four girls. Having studied yoga and spiritual principles with various teachers over the years, she had finally left her husband when her two children were old enough to make their own way in the world. She then turned her attention to bringing Muniji to America, and was instrumental in helping him establish an ashram in the hills of New Jersey. It was there she spent her days with like-minded disciples of the Muni.

Her breathing was audible now, slow, deep and consistent. I opened my eyes momentarily to watch her. She was sitting cross-legged in the lotus position, or rather the semi-lotus position. She had explained earlier that no matter how much she practiced she could not manage the full lotus where both feet are tucked snugly into the groin of the opposite leg. With her eyes closed, arms outstretched, resting on her knees, palms upward, her breath flowed in and out of a motionless body.  Blue close-fitting leotards revealed a solid body, reflecting the German heritage from which we had come and the farm life which had nurtured us throughout our younger years. She was the oldest of four girls, I was the second and two years younger than her.  Outwardly she was the leader, I the follower, but inwardly we traveled abreast. She had a straight Roman nose and short brown hair framing a face which seemed always to me to express power and intensity, assertiveness and determination. Her personality was assured and confident and into her character was built a mysterious unknown factor which guaranteed achievement in whatever she applied herself.

As I watched her, I was aware of the power of the concentration. Her muscles remained as still as an oriental statue. As I gazed out at her I was struck by her solemnity of this ritual and suddenly I realized a remarkable difference between us. We were moving on different roadways, actually going in opposite directions. While she had been cultivating mental discipline these many years, I had been cultivating spontaneity. I found it difficult to do what she asked. My mind would not obey me, for I was accustomed to following my inner urges rather than those imposed by mental control. I had always thrown off the yoke of intellectual concentration as heavy and bothersome, and lived as much as I could by feelings alone, believing that somewhere deep inside, buried under layers of accumulations, there existed the real me, the real power of me. Not just the little me, but that profound something which would have capacities much grander than I knew about myself, capacities which would, when found, come bubbling out to take care of all things. As I pondered these thoughts in Shirley’s presence I began to realize how foolish they were. Foolish and naive to think that I did not have to work at it to uncover it. My innocent philosophy suddenly seem illiterate, unlearned. It directly opposed the discipline which Shirley was now trying to teach me.

Power exuded from every pore of her body and enhanced the stillness of the room. Suddenly, I was an outsider peering through a window into a sacred temple and I felt the awesomeness of things unknown. I was out of place and I thought to myself that perhaps I, too, should begin to cultivate some mental discipline into my life.

I closed my eyes once more to try to harness my rambling thoughts and breathed in slowly, counting, and held my breath. By the time I reached “four” my smoke-damaged lungs revolted. Out came a gush of warm air. I tried again. The room was silent. No one had entered the gym though I could hear the towel girl outside the door in her little booth, preparing for the day’s activities. Between Shirley’s quiet rhythmic breaths, my gulping breaths were sharp and noticeable, like a bumbling baby next to Buddha himself.

Did she notice me and hear my gulping breaths? Did it bother her? The sense of stillness was sharp, my inabilities magnified. Could she hear my thoughts? What was she aware of? A sense of acute paranoia began to build in me but I continued with the attempt at regulated breathing while my mind wandered down different paths.

After a while, I succeeded in establishing a sort of rhythm to the breathing and soon, very soon, a faint alertness took hold of me. My focus shifted inward and my rambling thoughts came tumbling to a halt. But then Shirley began speaking once more - had she stopped? - in a soft soothing monotone as if from far away. It broke sharply in on my awareness. My eyes flipped open automatically only to see that she had not moved. Her eyes were still closed, her arms and hands still posed upon her knees. Nothing had changed. Her voice droned on and I closed my eyes to recapture the sensations that had just begun.

“Feel the lungs expanding with the inflow of air. Picture the lungs as balloons slowly being inflated with air, growing bigger and bigger. Allow the further end of the balloon to expand downward, into the stomach. Let the stomach expand as the air pushes in. Let the sides of the lungs expand outward as the air flows in. Imagine yourself inside this balloon as it inflates, getting bigger and bigger. Hold your breath. When you exhale, let the balloon go flat, from the bottom up, until all the air is pushed out of the lungs. The balloon is collapsing as the air is expelled from the bottom. Then hold your breath. Inhale again and imagine yourself as the air itself. You are the air. You are now the air entering the lungs. You are being absorbed by the walls of the lungs...”

Her voice trailed away, leaving me entering my lungs easily. Even though my mind flitted from thought to thought and thing to thing, I was still being absorbed by the walls of the lungs. It was almost as though there were two parts to me. My itchy mind which would not hold still under the circumstances and another part, perhaps more alert, which didn’t seem to be dependent upon my mind holding still for I was feeling now a sensation of dampness and warmth. Of peace and body tissue. My imagination was extremely vivid and, conscious of being happy, there was a feeling of sunshine and light inside. So peaceful did I feel in fact, that I stopped the rhythmic breathing and resumed my normal shallow intake of air in order to enjoy these new sensations.

Inside, I was becoming acutely aware of the physicality of my lungs and the presence of muscle, tissue and blood. I was absorbed with this feeling and intrigued with it. But soon I had a desire to go deeper into my body, but where? I searched my knowledge for what lay below the lungs. What organ? I had never studied physiology with any seriousness and so I could not easily remember. But I continued to grope and finally the stomach came to mind, its shape and size, the soft lining of the interior walls and as I played with it, it seemed as if I were the stomach. The sensation was a wholesome one, absorbing. But then, again, I wondered what lay deeper.

The small intestines came easily to mind and no sooner was the thought performed than there I was, in soft damp folds of tissue in my quite vivid imagination. But something was pulling me even deeper and I allowed myself to sink downward into a deep, dark and roomy cavern - the large intestines? - and suddenly something clicked. My body started to sway effortlessly from side to side, without muscle control. Soon I was swaying like a leaf on a tree in the soft summer breezes with sunlight all around. It was pleasant and I did not resist. However I was surprised and mentally I took an alert sideward step to watch.

Rather rapidly the swaying increased and soon I was rocking left to right and right to left, faster and faster. Now I was indeed surprised for I was in no way controlling the movement. Back in my head I pondered the phenomenon while my body ran on its own power. I knew I could stop it if I wanted to, for it was such a gentle thing, but I didn’t want to. It was different, exciting, and there was a new feeling, a wonderful softness, enveloping me in a cloud. I was kneeling on my knees, my arms outstretched, palms upward like Shirley. Shirley! Suddenly I thought of my sister and panic rose. What must she think of me? Was she aware of what I was doing? As intimidating thoughts moved in, something else in me did not care and my attention returned to the sensations going on in my body.

The body was whipping back and forth and the tempo still increasing when suddenly my hands fell, lifeless, to the floor. Disconnected from my body I noted the change from an impartial place. The dropping of the hands to the floor threw the rhythm off and at that split second my legs jerked sideways and out from under me. I landed hard on the carpet between them and began jumping up and down. The body was like a robot. The head was jerking from left to right violently. I could hear scrunching sounds of ligament stretching and rubbing in the neck and the brain itself seemed to rattle inside the skull. And yet it was not uncomfortable. I felt somehow outside all of this, as if I were bigger. The feelings it was provoking were good, blissful, as though I had drunk something intoxicating and the essence was coursing through my veins and arteries. My body was trying to shake something loose and get rid of it. Or was it trying to shake something free?

Meanwhile, I was in a state of wonder and awe. For the first time in my life there were two distinct parts to me: this new part on one hand which seemed to be a foreign element moving in and taking over my body, and me on the other - the me to which I have always identified - and I was confused. I didn’t know which part to identify with, my chatterbox mind or this wonderful, new, ebullient feeling that was rising and expanding like a holy mist throughout my whole being, causing a kind of ecstasy to envelope me in a total feeling of surrender, for that is what I wanted to do. As I watched, it seemed that the normal me, the me of daily life, began to shrink and remove to a corner of my being to watch, giving ground to this new element. And from this vantage point I did indeed watch, fascinated with the act going on before me.

Super alert, my mind wouldn’t stay still. It was busy with many thoughts while my body jumped up and down like something gone wild and out of control. I did not feel for a moment out of control, however, which I proved to myself by opening and closing my eyes quickly to see whether Shirley were watching me. She had stopped her meditations and was now standing on her shoulders, her feet high in the air, seemingly unconcerned. How could she be so indifferent with me jumping around like a jackrabbit? What would she think of this? How would I explain it? What would I think if I were her?  What if someone came into the gym?

As I considered these things, detached as I was from the frantic exploitation of this strange new force, into my consciousness flowed a vivid sense of Maria approaching the gymnasium building. As she passed by the Olympic-sized swimming pool, weaving around people setting up lounging chairs, she seemed to be in a state of turmoil as if she were rushing. I saw her coming closer, breathing hard, and I decided that I had better stop all of this before she opened the door and found me in obvious convulsions.

But now I discovered that this other part did not want to stop. My body was so thoroughly enjoying its new found rapture that it - I - did not want to stop the movements and I was torn between wanting to stop and not wanting to stop. The rising feelings were those of a great, unearthly peace and I was beginning to identify with them, even more so than with my thoughts which now seemed superficial and unimportant. My mind became as an intruder upon my expansiveness and freedom. Nonetheless the battle between these two curious abstract wills did eventually give way to one. And soon my head began to slow its violent shaking, my legs to relax their rapid contractions, my torso to wind down its jack-hammer pounding and, as if in slow motion, my whole body began to gear down. I felt like a high-powered machine reacting in delayed timing to instructions that had been fed into the controls. I had nothing to do with it. I simply watched.

The sense of urgency now being forced on me was irritating and unwanted. I had been building up to greater and greater feelings of euphoria, but Maria was closing in and the urgency was warranted. I saw her outside the gymnasium door reaching for the doorknob. Slowly I was slowing down, rushing to slow down. I opened my eyes as she thrust her head into the gym and I raised my arm to wave a greeting to her.

“Oh!” she exclaimed breathlessly from the doorway. “I am so sorry to be late. Did you start without me?” Her voice floated to me like a dreamy echo from the other side of the world as I found myself still struggling to lift my arm off the floor to wave. What was the matter? It seemed to be disconnected. It was heavy and sluggish but finally I managed to raise it and wave, long after the moment had passed but Maria didn’t appear to notice. As I formed the word of greeting, “Hola!” I realized further that my body was not responding to my mental commands as normal. My vocal cords and tongue could barely drawl out a guttural sound. It sounded like an animal somewhere outside of me.

The swaying motion was dying down to a gentle swing but the ecstasy was lingering. I tried to be concerned about what Maria would think of my strange movements, but the larger part of me did not care so I did nothing. As I drifted in the waning euphoria and the dying wind, Shirley responded more cordially to our friend who appeared not to have noticed anything out of the ordinary except that we had started without her.

Maria went to change into her leotards and shortly reappeared to join us on the gymnasium carpet. I did not speak but smiled lazily and followed Shirley’s instructions as she led Maria and I into one yoga position after another. I saw three women in leotards doing exercises in the mirror before me but I paid them no mind. Exquisite sensations moved me still, lingered and hovered within me, lifting, enveloping, embracing me in a seduction of feelings and I was entranced.

After an hour, Shirley folded into the embryo position and Maria and I followed suit while I thought to myself, “Where can I go on the club premises to be alone?” I wanted to connect with this - whatever it was - again. The sauna, I thought. There’s a good chance no one will be in the sauna at this early hour of the morning. As Shirley and Maria went into the dressing room to change into bathing suits to go to the pool, I excused myself, explaining that I wanted a sauna.  

I felt as if I was gliding on air as I floated down the broad stairway to the lower women’s facilities. I reached the bottom and glanced around the sparkling tiled room of the whirlpool. Not a soul was there. At the further end of the room the little oriental garden stood serene in the morning light. A golf cart rattled somewhere nearby and it seemed that I could see right through the cement wall behind the tropical plants out onto the rolling golf course of the Cariari Country Club. The brook was gurgling through the tall stands of bamboo, weaving under bridges and around lush greens spiked with brightly colored flags. But I had more important things to do and turned and walked into the shower section. No one was there.

With caution I laid my bag and towel down onto a bench and stripped out of my leotards. Naked, I swung open the tightly fitted wooden door of the sauna. It swung open with a loud squeak. My heart seemed to stop. I looked inside. It was empty. I breathed a little easier and stepped as lightly as I could across the creaking boards which caused me to wince. I didn’t want anyone to hear me. I climbed to the uppermost level. Now my heart was pounding. Spreading the towel across the bench I sat down slowly, carefully, speculating on what I was about to do. I listened. No sound came from the outer rooms and I breathed easier still. I looked around the little room. One bulb glowed warm and yellow on the red, heated wood. The hot dry air seared the hairs in my nostrils. I tried to detect sound but none could be heard other than the crackling of the hot volcanic stones in the heater. I hesitated before looking inside of myself, much as one would hesitate before opening a box of precious jewels. What grand mystery lay inside of me? Where did it come from? Where would it take me? Why as it there? Is it still there? Still no sounds met my ears and finally there was no reason to wait any longer.

Without moving I closed my eyes and focused on the spot inside, blow the naval where I had felt the “click” an hour earlier in the gym. At the same moment my arms raised upward, as if a wind blew through them. My torso from the waist upward started to sway and I let it. My hands started to shake, as if they were shaking water from the fingertips. My head started to roll back and forth slowly and a sensation that contradicted gravity rose upward. The tempo was just beginning to pick up when I stopped it quickly, a sense of mystery pervading me. What was this thing? I had no idea what to think about it and so I did not think but left the sauna as carefully as I came.
​

Chapter 2

Caught in a Magical Spell

Shirley’s face glowed in upon me as I sat at the dinner table. How did I get here? Her face was full of expectancy in the candlelight as she passed a plateful of roast beef, mashed potatoes and green beans over to Bob. Red liquid glistened transparently in the wine glass before me, reflecting the yellow flames from the cluster of candles behind it in their wooden holders. I was still entranced. The darkness beyond the windows sparkled with the millions of tiny lights of San Jose which sprawled across the floor of the Central Valley of Costa Rica into the distant cradle of the Eastern range. The stars above us were bright, close and clear in the infinite blackness of the sky.

A baby cried and I rode its wail as it hung, slowly dying in the still night air. A dog howled in the distance, and then another, and still a third, somewhere nearby, in a chorus of eerie messages. All across the valley, human life was turning inward and intimacy caressed me. A night bird called and feathers brushed by. Trees whispered in voices that do not belong to human ears and I heard. I was caught in the spell of unseen movements.

I watched as Bob took the  plate which my sister offered and he grinned up at her. Shirley sat down and picked up her fork and began to eat. There was a dull ache at the top of my head. Bob drank from his wine glass. I looked down at my food and then up at my sister and my husband. There was a gulf as wide as eternity separating us. How was I going to bridge the gap? The swirling lights continued to flash on and off in my mind as they had done all day ever since this morning and the incident in the gym, each flash making a tiny explosion in my brain. What was happening to me? Memories glittered with a sharpness I had never known before, each one enveloped in an aura of revelation which haunted me because they were, somehow, not new. Yet their ancient familiarity had no basis in fact. How did I know these things? At what primal level was I experiencing them?

All day, individuals and circumstance had crackled with importnace as they had paraded through my consciousness over and over, round and round, taunting me with reminiscences I did not know I had, and an inexplicable joy filled me so that I could hardly contain myself. I was being lifted, elevated, inspired, moved by something going on within me. My life was suddenly no longer a series of meaningless adventures. There was a depth to it that came from spaces that had no walls, no barriers, no beginning. Significant spaces that pulsed with a single soul. There was a largeness to it that went far beyond me, that called to me and to which I identified with a great happiness. And yet, I could not understand and confusion walked hand in hand with joy. It must surely be like this, I thought to myself, to have had amnesia and suddenly have your memory returned. I was full of awe and I marveled at what was taking place before my very eyes, yet no one else could see.

It seemed that the metabolism of my body was running at a super-normal speed, but that didn’t matter. What really captured and held my attention was the explosion of tiny sparkling atoms into supernovas of recognition. I glanced around me, trying to focus on the here and now, trying to shut out the lights and cool the feverish activity in which I floated, for I knew I must at least make an attempt to rejoin my family, else the separation would grow wider.

Our house was a small casita on the western slopes of the mountains that ringed the Central Valley. The road leading up to our perch on Los Altos de las Palomas - the heights of the doves - was steep and rough. We had moved to Costa Rica just last year and bought all our furniture in San Jose. Bob’s big heavy Spanish-style desk was a gray bulk against the white wall of the living room in which we sat. The deep red tiles on the floor glowed here and there as the candlelight reflected off the highly polished surface. The couch, the two chairs which we had bought downtown at “1492”, the lamps, the book cases which Maynard had made for us, were almost lost in the darkness of the room which was illuminated only by the soft glow of the fires burning in the center of the dinner table.

My gaze drifted to the open window and the stars twinkling in the black velvet but I forced my thoughts back to the table before me. If I didn’t speak soon I would burst, but I didn’t know how to begin. I looked at the orange knit place mat under my plate, the weavings magnified in a brilliant display of color. Bob’s colors. Earthy colors. Mine were white, marble, gold, classic Grecian, crystal. We were opposites. It had been our custom, Bob’s and mine, to eat by candlelight every night. We had done it for all of the five years we had been together and tonight was no different.

I looked across the table and watched my husband chew on a piece of roast beef while I grappled with words, silent words swirling in the atomic spaces within me. But I could not capture even a one. They were too fast, too expansive and I was star-struck, frozen to my chair. The swelling clarity of my mind contrasted sharply against the dumb immobility of my physical surroundings. The gulf that existed between me and my companions widened. What should I say?  I was glad it was dark so they couldn’t see the color of acute embarrassment rising in my face.

Again, I stole a glance at Shirley. The silence in the room was awkward. I had not spoken to her at all about the incident in the gym and now she was waiting. As I glanced around the table, I finally felt myself refocusing, as if coming out of a dream world where all things are possible, only to find myself in the square solidarity of a box. With astonishment I realized that I had passed the whole day without partaking of it. Where had it gone? More importantly, how had I acted? What must they think of me? Shirley must be dying of curiosity, I thought, as my focus shrank to absorb the domestic objects before me. She was waiting, allowing me the privilege of speaking first. I was grateful and a hint suggested itself that perhaps Shirley knew more than I realized. It would be to my advantage to find out exactly what it was that she knew.

I picked up my fork to begin eating when it came blurting out: “Something very strange happened to me today in the gym...”

“Where did you learn to do that?” Shirley cut in without letting me finish. In the twinkling of an eye, she turned in her chair to stare at me in the warm glow. I stared back, bewildered. We locked gazes.

“Learn? I didn’t learn! It just happened!” I said..

My sister looked as though she were deflating. She put a hand to her forehead and stared off into unseen spaces. Long moments passed and now it was I who was waiting. Waiting for her to put it together, for I was convinced that she knew something about this strange thing that happened to me today. Bob continued eating, seemingly unperturbed by the drama unfolding in front of him. I dared not breathe in the taut, suspense-filled moment.

“The Kundalini,” she whispered more to herself than to me.

“The Kundalini? What’s that?” I asked. The word pierced my consciousness and descended into subconscious levels where it struck a chord and pinged back and forth.

“That’s the psychic force that lives in the base of the spine,” said Shirley, glancing at me but looking right through me. “There’s a special form of yoga, called Kundalini yoga that some people do to try to awaken it. They’ll sit in meditation and then jump up and down just like you did today, sometimes for an hour, trying to dislodge it from its sleeping state and wake it up.”

Again, the veil that shielded the subconscious was pierced and the words struck the same chord again and again, reverberating richly across inner spaces never touched before. How on earth could I possibly know this? But I did and my sister was merely confirming it for me. I knew, but I needed to know more, and I pressed.

“What’s the purpose?” I asked. “What does it do?”

“Well, it awakens psychic powers in a person when it’s awake, but in most people it remains asleep.”

“What causes it to awaken?”

Shirley looked tired and somewhat confused. “I really don’t know. I don’t think anybody really knows. I’ve only heard about it from Muniji and a few individuals. It’s not a common occurence.”

Feeling more normal now, I scooped a load of mashed potatoes onto my fork and slid it into my mouth. The conversation had taken place in less than three minutes, yet I had my answer. Or did I? “But what do I do with it now?” I asked.

“I just don’t know what to tell you,” she replied. “Except that it can be dangerous. You should try to find yourself a teacher.”

“Why dangerous? In what way?” Questions were looming, lining up and backing up in my mind, waiting to be asked. She knew!  She knew what had happened to me! I was thrilled and excited. Something deep within had been set free and now I was being given the answers. But Shirley remained solemn and introspective. She was bothered.

“Kundalini is a powerful force. It has been known down through the ages that it can lead to insanity,” she replied. “But, of course, I don’t know first hand about this. This is only what I’ve heard. I don’t have direct knowledge. You should try to find a teacher who knows.”

Visions of my mother’s books came back to me as I recalled browsing through her spiritual library while growing up. I had read some of those books in my teen years, and took for granted that they would always be there. Now I wished I had that library at my disposal. There must have been something in those books about Kundalini. I wondered if my mother knew about this strange force? I had a natural leaning toward the spiritual life. Still, I had taken it all with an attitude of “Yes, I know!”  I accepted metaphysics as easily as I accepted school, church and marriage. In fact, more easily, for in the day-to-day application of spirituality I needed grounding constantly.

I looked meaningfully at Bob, my second husband and fourteen years older than me, but he showed no hint that he had been following the conversation. He had completed his meal and was now smoking a cigarette and sipping wine. If there was anything Bob disliked more than religious dogma, it was occult mystery teachings, especially one of a secret doctrine. We had had many lively discussions about it and, although I knew that Bob’s passionate feelings stemmed not so much from a disbelief in God as from what he called the “insidious” influence that spiritual teachers held over the minds and hearts of their followers, still even a personal need would not disarm his vehemence. He would not allow such an influence to enter his life. Nor mine. I would have to leave him and go my separate way if I wanted to wander the Earth in search of a teacher to guide me through this powerful, dangerous energy.

Bob was a mentor to me in many ways. We had met at an auspicious moment when I had just come down off a mountain in Mexico where I had lived with a handful of UFO followers, and he was a business man on the mend after a major heart attack. A sense of “old friend, where have you been?“ locked us together in strong relationship. We talked and talked. I learned about him and he learned about me. I came from Spirit, and he came from Earth. To him, spiritual doctrines were no different than religious doctrines, and all religions could go to hell for that was where they had come from in their control over humankind. Religions were instruments of punishment to inflict fear, pain and guilt upon the human race and to hold the masses in bondage. He would have none of it. He saw no good in them in the least and especially the Indian religion of Hinduism, which had kept the oppressed people groveling in the dust, stricken by poverty and sickness, by their elitist caste system. If they could help their own kind and raise India into a decent place to live for their own kind, then maybe he would listen to what they had to say. But Hinduism had proven itself to be a cold, judgmental, highly discriminating religion with no human qualities to it at all, and it had nothing to offer him. I had heard his reasonings a hundred times or more.

Yet, deep in the dungeon of my being where instinct is master and not reason, I felt the assurance that a teacher would not be necessary, at least not of the kind that Shirley was speaking. A knowing wideness loomed around me, penetrating the walls and laughing at the small minds of dogmatic thinkers who are afraid of their own shadows. I rode the crest of a wave which sparkled with youth, vigor and life, and I was invulnerable. I had touched God. Silently I looked to Bob as I have always done, and he answered me as I knew he would.

“If whatever this thing is came to you naturally without any assistance, you will know how to handle it,” he replied. “You do not need a teacher.” His words settled down over me like a magnetic net, pulling me down, bringing rationality to my inflated consciousness and restoring stability. His word was law and I accepted it as fact and was glad.

Later, after Shirley retired to her bedroom, I sat cross-legged on our broad king-sized bed waiting for Bob to join me to bed down for the night. Secure in my knowledge that all was well, I felt an uncanny peace lying on me. Beside me the windows were open and I could see the lights of the valley below and feel the breezes and smell the moistness of the rich growth of the mountainside. It was close to midnight. The dull ache at the crown of my head was a physical reminder of the extraordinary thing that had happened this morning. Otherwise I would have guessed that it had all been an illusion. My curiosity began to mount as I sat thinking about the strange force, my consciousness now returned to normal. Bob was finishing up with his evening papers at his desk and Shirley’s door was closed at the end of the hall.

I looked into the mirror before me and fought with myself, for I wanted desperately to go back inside once more, to see if the wind were still there, but I was afraid that Bob would come in. I waited and languished in my good feelings. The house was silent. Human life in the valley had given way to the wilder, more natural life for it was past midnight. I waited. Curiosity and apprehension continued to mount. Finally, naturally, almost automatically, I surrendered to the urge and closed my eyes, focusing deep inside below the naval.

Immediately, just as they had done in the sauna, my arms raised of their own accord, floating in the still air. They began to pick up rhythm and soon gave indication that they would start shaking again, just as they had done earlier. The electrons of my body seemed to mold themselves around another intelligence, certainly not mine, which gave them direction and purpose. I felt like a feather being blown by the wind. Again there was a stepping up of my consciousness. My head was just beginning to rotate in the indistinct current when suddenly I had an urge.

The image of a friend came into my consciousness. It was the wife of the man who made our bookcases, close acquaintances with whom we socialized frequently. A desire sprang up simultaneously for her to feel better, happier, for she had been deeply depressed. Immediately, without a second to lose, my hands floated in the air towards one another and there, right before my eyes, they formed a cup at eye level and lo! right in the midst of the cup the most brilliant glow of the purest light I had ever seen!  It was radiant like a diamond, like a blue and white crystal but liquid with life, burning with an astonishing clarity.

It’s radiance flashed and sparkled like a flare from a solderer’s gun but ethereal like the touch of an angel. Indeed, the awareness of a higher intelligence swirled through me, fine and beautiful, and an exquisite alertness seemed to buzz down my arms to the focal point in the palms of my hands. Chills ran over the surface of my skin as I made a mental connection with its reality, as if it were important that I accept it as real. And I knew that my friend had been touched.

Bob entered the room then and I quickly let my arms fall to my lap, embarrassed, externalizing my focus. How would I explain what I was doing? But he started to talk and there was no need for an explanation. We crawled under the covers and shut off the lamp. Soon we were curled together and I was face to face with my first problem with the Kundalini.

Chapter 3

Sex and Kundalini

I couldn’t come down. I’ve always been able to come down to Bob when it was time to make love. Even if I had to force it. But now I couldn’t. On my back between the cool sheets, my body withholding, eyes clamped shut against this intrusion, I was locked frozen within the enigma. His arm moved heavily across me where once it had been loving and light. A pull stronger than Bob, sucked me upward and held me in the heavens of my being. It tried to pull me from his grasp into more uninhibited expanses. It was a more powerful reality that called to me, reminding me that I did not belong to flesh and blood, but to another species. Olympic heights of unbounded reason and unrestrained order dawned in my mind and beckoned to me with a love so big, so huge, that human love and human relationship shrunk to insignificance. An infinite, unending compassion rolled out before me like a royal carpet inviting me to walk the way of the gods.    

“What’s the matter?” asked Bob in my ear. “Where are you?” Silence. “You know you can’t stay there forever.”

“I know,” I answered. “It’s just that...” My voice trialed away dumbly while dense fog crept in. “It’s all right,” I mumbled, thinking it was the end of the world for me. Darkness was closing in. Again. Torn between my physical commitment to Bob and the swirling lightness above, I searched for answers in the encroaching twilight of my mind. Why couldn’t I simply fly away into the loveliness? What held me? Should I leave Bob and go out in search of a teacher as Shirley suggested?

There had never been a doubt in my mind concerning my relationship with Bob, after my initial decision to join him. It had been one continuous, expanding, exciting journey from the first moment we had met. From the beginning we had intertwined ourselves around and into each other  as if we were two halves of one whole. It was not all sweetness and love, but rather a journey of adventure and discovery. At every turn it seemed we encountered something new, which caused us to run and tell the other about it. We were so excited with our Costa Rican adventure that we had begun recording every evening before going to bed, into a microphone onto tape. Sitting on the couch we told “Mr. Tape” all of the wonders we had seen that day,  who we had met,  what we had learned in our ongoing saga. And now Shirley had brought something new into my life alone, not Bob’s, and it threatened to divide us. Would our strong bond be able to withstand it?

In the beginning of our relationship, I had aborted all spiritual thinking to learn from him the practical way of life on Earth. I felt like his student. He had given up his marriage, his family and children, his affairs both sexual and civic, to dedicate his time to me. I had given up friends whom he considered space cases, and he had given up his business affiliations, his golf, his poker buddies. We were virtually bonded together as in a single body, channeling all of our thoughts, knowledge, problems, caring and love into a common pool which nourished us. He had awakened me sexually, opening my body to pleasures I had never known at the age of 33, even after giving birth to two children. We had been riding the crest of a wave for five years, gliding smoothly over the rough stones beneath, with the sun at a permanent zenith pulling us forward. We had spent endless hours in discussion, and often hot and heavy argument, over what was superfluous and what was meaningful in our lives, so that we could discard the one and move forward with the other without regret.

Now in the course of one day a separation had happened greater than any I could have imagined. There was nothing tangible to discuss with him. He would not hear of spiritual talk of heaven or angels, or light-filled super novas or subjective mind wanderings. We were on a “here-now” reality path. And even if he would have been open to such things, this was beyond words, It was sacred. How could I begin to explain? It went too far. Too deep. Too personal. Beyond my reach. I felt guilty that I now had a secret life that didn’t include him. Part of me tried to come down and communicate with him, but the greater part of me soared skyward in a sweet updraft of dazzling, powerfully promising life to join with - what? Yearning with all of the power of my being I reached for the fading glow while at the same time I could see Bob struggling in the distance to reach me, wallowing in a sea of murk, or so it seemed to me. The separation that was taking place was painful and intense, as if part of my insides were being ripped out of me by the handful. It seemed that I could see the line of demarkation between two forces at war, one from below, heavy, sluggish and thick; the other a sunrise promising unlimited expansion. I was caught between them with no power of my own, the object of their battle.

Then something strange occurred. From out of the depths of the murkiness descending on me came words that I had heard before, as a re-run in my mind. Bob’s words from out of the past, spoken on the Arizona desert five years before on our first overnight trip together. The words rang clear and sharp now in my mind.

“What good is spirituality if you can’t live it in this world? Those people you think you love so much are filled with words and no substance. They run at the first sign of responsibility. None of them have ever found happiness. They’re still looking for it out there, running away from everything that is real. Don’t be like one of them. Be better than them. Bring your ethereal qualities down to earth and prove them. Live them here. Show me! Then you’ll be doing something worthwhile. If you run away to the mountain top, you’re no better than all the rest of them. There’s a responsibility to living. Nothing comes free. You have to earn it.”

Through the shifting turmoil dim rays began to appear in the murk below, twisting in the turbulence. Warped as they were and tormented by the agony of my mind, the truth of the words continued to filter through. “The need to run away is a cop-out. Freedom is meaningless if you have to go some place else to find it. If you can’t be happy here, you can’t be happy anywhere. This world is for the living, the other is for the dead.” The words shook me and the hell into which I was locked, bound and chained. Bob had grounded me many times in the past when dream theories threatened the very core of our existence together. And each time I had had to face a choice: to go my own way alone or fall back and regroup with him. I slammed the door shut on the realization, not wanting to fall back. But it was too late. Understanding seeped past my guard, oozed into my heart through the cracks in that substance, and found its way into unknown depths where other machinery worked. The process was set into motion against my will.

Clawing and gripping with every ounce of my will I tried to hold on to the remnants of the glory and felt it slipping out of my grasp. Downward I tumbled into the darkness. Downward through galaxies of light I plunged, faster than the speed of thought, resisting, hating the stickiness of human life, down through jagged rips of discord, catching glimpses of cities in which gods walked and yearning with all of my heart to stay. Downward I sank into the swirling mire which threatened to suck me into obliteration, the light about to go out.

But understanding is not a fickle thing, the light that dawns in the intellect of the heart. And in that endless journey from one end of the universe to the other, understanding DID take root in the netherlands of my soul where only two extremes had existed before: freedom or bondage. Imprisonment or escape. Flesh or spirit. Black or white. These two mighty forces had always played one against the other like two giant wheels turning in upon each other, crushing me between them. I did not know that night as I struggled in psychic battle with forces I did not understand, that it was only the beginning. I had opened a door I could never close again. In the years to come these same two monster wheels would continue to churn, mercilessly, to hone and sharpen me to the truth that it is I and I alone who must make the homogenous blend between these two ancient enemies. I and I alone who must insist that they walk hand in hand on the same path, in the same body, as friends. And until I learned that, I would continue to be tossed about in the storms of ignorance, victim instead of master of my own will.

The windows above the bed were open and through the screen night sounds mingled with the musky smell of animal life. Into the magnetism of earth bodies I fell, surrendering to this giant force of nature. Later, after we had made love and our skins were moist with sweat, I looked out through the fine mesh of the screen and was surprised. The light hadn’t gone out. I wasn’t washed with murk. I didn’t feel degraded. In fact, a new kind of loveliness was flowing through my veins. It was a mixture of the other world and this. The high and the low. The light and the dark. It moved through me like a physical perfume on a spring night after the rains. And the hint of promise was no longer somewhere above me but inherent within me and stretching downward into the vast subterranean dimensions of the earth globe itself. I went to sleep snuggled next to Bob, spooned together, feeling the peace undulating softly through me and I knew that the link had been made. I had brought it down to earth and shared it with him.

Over the next ten days I did not pursue the strange inner wind that had so dramatically stolen into my life. Neither did the wind pursue me. We were at a stalemate, as if by some silent unspoken agreement. Shirley’s presence was time-consuming and, in some ways, intimidating. I decided to wait until she had gone before I re-opened that door. I wanted plenty of time to go slow, to learn and study this mystical wind and how it operated. I kept it at bay for now in order to learn as much as I could from Shirley. She knew things. Her years living with Muniji and other spiritual practitioners, her trips to India, her deep meditations at the ashram, had given her so much knowledge of the spiritual life. I wanted to know what she knew. I picked her brain. The wind was ever present for I tested it now and again, but each time I opened the door only a crack just to make sure it was still there, and it was. Each time. So I would shut it again quickly, not ready to go there just now. Shirley would be leaving shortly and I wanted to be completely alone when I began investigating the thing now that I knew the potency of its force.

Her vacation rolled to an end ten days later, without my having learned much more about Kundalini than I had that first evening at dinner. Although I had pumped her at length in the long hours when we sat in the sun and talked, I finally realized, sadly, that her knowledge was limited to hearsay. The sacred scriptures of Indian culture, written down three and four thousand years ago, was no different than the scriptures of all religions. It is all hearsay, written by someone else long ago.

The morning of her departure found Bob, Shirley and I sitting in the airport cafeteria an hour before boarding time. The waiter, an elderly man recently transferred from the Union Club, gave us a friendly greeting and asked our preference. I smiled. It was strange to see this aristocratic gentleman serving tables in the San Juan de Maria Airport amid the hub-bub of activity. We were used to seeing him in the sedate surroundings of the elite downtown club. Moving professionally around our small talk, he set out napkins and silverware, and shortly followed with orange juice, scrambled eggs, toast, bacon and coffee. As Bob poured the steaming black liquid into my cup, the aroma of the rich Costa Rican beans wafted through the air to my nose.

"Well, it’s been a lot of fun,” Shirley yelled through the clatter around us. “I’ve really enjoyed being here with both of you. I’ve had a lot of insight into my own life while I was here.”

Shirley's mind drifted back to her family and work and what lay ahead for her. She hesitated and I knew what she was going to say. “I really think you ought to find a teacher. I’ll ask Muniji what he would recommend when I get back.”

The thought of her guru brought a serious look to her eyes. Shirley would soon be leaving her family and moving to the ashram in New Jersey that she was helping to set up for this Indian monk of the Jain religion. She had listened politely to Bob‘s discourses about religion over the past two weeks. She had been pulled into serious discussion from time to time, and moved to tears on more than one occasion by Bob’s unrelenting position on the subject. She looked at Bob now, and then at me. She was worried about me but when I didn’t respond, she dropped the subject, detecting Bob‘s antagonism.

“I’m glad you could come,“ replied Bob. “You had a chance to see another life style and another culture. People aren’t the same everywhere you go in the world. You’ve expanded your horizons.”

My gaze drifted through the thick wall of glass of the terminal to the sky beyond. The mystical wind wavered within me. Expectancy moved closer to the surface. Soon it would be time. Soon I would begin my exploration of the unknown. The sky was a rich transparent blue and the mountains a more solid blue, blazing boldly in the morning light, the slopes covered with blue green forests and tiny houses. A broad open field of tall grass waved in the breeze beyond the runway, sparkling in the golden light. As my awareness lingered in the open meadow, the harsh grating noises of the people fell away and a soft whispering peace rose up around me. Softly, time and motion tiptoed away, leaving me suspended.

Suddenly a jetliner roared in for a touchdown in a screaming fury of metal and whining turbines, setting the floor of the old cafeteria to vibrating wildly and the windows to rattling in their moldings. The machine cut into my transcendence like a knife, severing my world cleanly into two distinct planes of existence. One moment all was normal. The next, I was looking at a primitive piece of technology shadowed against a brilliant display of future glory. Soft, spacious rose-colored light opened around the plane, revealing another dimension and displaying the airliner like a dead thing in a museum. Lovely beings walked about the plane studying it, blessing it. Sparkles of pink and gold intelligence jumped and darted around the body of the jet like a benediction from a higher mind, revealing before my very eyes the presence of an enlightened world which seemed to be made up of living molecules of conscious awareness.

As the sparkling atmosphere quivered and flashed with breathtaking knowledge, knowledge that a future existed and what it was composed of, my mind - no, my entire being - joined the oneness. It was exquisite, jam-packed full of dazzling expansion that took me into the magic of a new dawn. It blew my mind wide open and then it was gone, leaving me once again in the middle of cafeteria clatter and Bob and Shirley talking as if nothing had happened.

What I had perceived in that momentary flash could have filled volumes, had I the capacity and the time to sort out the words. I sat still long moments after it passed, contemplating the revelation that came on the wings of the jetliner. Although this solid physical world had appeared, in that brief instant, locked frozen into the dimension of matter against the other lighter field of existence, still, there was nothing degrading about it. Quite the contrary. It had appeared as if a sea of intelligent beings were cradling this physical dimension with a great, wise and compassionate understanding, an infinite love that did not understand failure. Only promise existed. Promise of a golden age and the jetliner was a baby seed awaiting its fulfillment. The technology of the ’70’s did not have yet the secret of instilling awareness into matter which would open the doorways to a power vast and unifying. But it would come, and the light energy of the future vibrated with fulfillment, an unending reservoir to call upon. For one brief moment, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that life was ongoing; that there was no such thing as “death”. It was but a prelude of things to come. Little by little, the door was opening, with no inkling as to what lay ahead.


Chapter 4

My First Rapture

Shirley was two hours into the air, winging her way home to Boston, and I was alone, finally alone. Curiosity over the strange inner wind had been building up in me through the last few weeks, increasing each day that I did not give in to it.  The need to find out more about the force was developing into a desire not unlike a passion that grows between two people newly in love yet kept apart, unable to fulfill their destinies with each other. Excitement grew. Anticipation was wreaking havoc with my nerves. Two weeks had passed since I had shut it off, not willing to open strange new doors until I was free to follow where it would lead. I was not concerned about Bob’s presence. He was my protector in every way and gave me freedom. He did not look over my shoulders to see what I was doing. Besides, he had plenty to keep himself busy.

Now I was alone. Finally alone. Bob went to his desk and I went out onto the back patio and felt no pressure. I was free. I could do it. Standing in the hot noon day sun on the red tiles behind the house, I looked out over the landscape. The sturdy ten-foot walls that enclosed the terrace sloped downward here at the Northeast corner to reveal the panoramic view of the gentle Central Valley. The shimmering pastoral scene was framed by a filigree of shadowy leaves from over my head. The hills undulated into vast pasturelands which rolled into the distant humble dwellings of San Jose and beyond, merging with the mountains in the East. An unnatural stillness whispered across the landscape, magnifying my sense of ease from all pressure. I was free.

I languished in the peace and allowed my gaze to drift in the melting sunlight. Far, far away, a mist of blue hung over the doll-like city. There had been showers over the past few weeks, but not enough rain had fallen to wash away the soot and grime accumulated over the hot dry months of summer. A noon-time whistle blew somewhere and wavered across the misty miles to meet my passive senses. Accompanying the sound came scenes of swirling dust, fumes, noise and the teeming, sweating bodies of mankind. But here in Las Altos de Las Palomas, the heights of the doves, time stood still, I at its center.

Inside, Bob was settled at his desk, his mind turned once more to the state of the world's economy, entertaining ideas I was not privy to at the time. He was writing, perhaps, his weekly column for the Tico Times, an English paper dedicated to the American community in Costa Rica, or perhaps he was answering a letter from a subscriber back in the States or Canada or Germany. Whatever it was that he was doing, I did not know, nor did I care. All that mattered was that I was alone. Alone but not alone, for something or someone was near, seductive and intimate. It was also impersonal and stern. And even as I stood by the wall, soaking up the warmth of the sun-drenched tiles through the soles of my bare feet, whoever or whatever it was, moved closer. As free as I had felt before, still more anticipation fell away, allowing as it did so, the merging of two dimensions as though no door had ever existed between them.

The song of the birds and the whirring of the insects lingered in the hot, dry air as if they had no other place to go. The leaves in the trees over my head fell gently into silence as a hush covered the land. Even the gurgling of the newly-installed whirlpool behind me dropped its voice to a murmur, calm and low, as if it, too, were waiting. A lizard looked at me from the corner of his eye with awareness. As the hush came full circle and fell upon me, the immaculate order in which I stood became starkly apparent and I became conscious of - no, I would have to say simply that I became conscious.

One who is new at faith, speaks the word with uncertainty, perhaps hope, not knowing at that point in the evolution that faith or trust, is merely the beginning. One does not realize so early in the process that there is a building up of faith that increases in momentum, not unlike a wave if continued, carrying one onward and upward, higher and higher, until ultimately there is a powerful surge forward up and over the crest into a new zone that has never been seen before. There is little control after a certain point and no turning back once these forces have been put into motion and so, wrapped in the heightened embrace of mystery, I surrendered willingly and did not look back.

There was a melting, upward swing which blossomed in that lovely arc into the full bloom of awe and then eased into a gentle, other-worldly peace. Simultaneously, in all parts of my body at once, my physical nervous system sprang to life. My arms rose of their own accord and began to rotate from the wrist sockets. My hips began to gyrate in the fashion of a belly dancer and my head to roll from side to side with no conscious control on my part. I fell into the movement naturally, easily, flowing with the will of this Other as if it were my own. Once again, my mind grew sharp and lucid, zooming in on the critical action now taking place in my muscles. The undulations seemed to be controlled, but not by me, and rather quickly the vibration caused my body to resemble that of an epileptic. Soon I was bent double and my arms began to swing round and round in their shoulder sockets, like the hands of a giant clock, brushing each other as they came forward and down and back and up and forward and dawn and back and up. My fingernails scratched the tile on the first few swings and I bent the fingers inward a little, adjusting them so that they would swing free of the ground. Otherwise I allowed the action to have its way, uninhibited by my own thought.

Round and round swept the arms while my head, upside down, rotated madly between them, left to right and right to left. My feet were planted firmly on the ground, solidly connected to the earth and extending down into the soil beneath. The power of the earth was significant and seemed to be my counter-balance as a great force raged from the sun through my body, tearing it up and down and into shreds that no longer resembled its former image. This, I could merely feel. There was no pain. It was sheer force and movement through muscles. An inner wind. My attention moved slowly, objectively around my body as my limbs thrashed about in a frenzied blur. From the soles of my feet to the ligaments in my neck to the arm sockets, wrist, waist and head, I watched the violent action from an untouchable place, a place of great peace. My body was merely a ragged piece of cloth being washed, aired and shaken in the sun to dry, while I waited, unharmed for the process to be done. I was well and happy, and conscious of my body in a way I never was before. I became aware that it was growing tired, for the motion continued for a long time, and I wondered how long it would keep up. It was merely an intellectual curiosity, however, for I was determined not to interfere with this Other will. I knew it would finish when it was done, as I also knew it would not cause me harm. Yet, aches began to creep and spread insistently into the thighs and into the calves of my legs as they tensed themselves against the wild momentum of my torso and arms.

Still the movements continued and, in spite of the deeper assurance, I began to wonder if my neck was being damaged for I could feel the sharp grating of ligament upon ligament. The tiredness moved steadily onward into every crack and pore and crevice until I grew weary and drained. Still there was no sign that the force would let up. I thought to myself, perhaps I should stop it of my own accord, but I did not. No matter how tired, no matter how drained I felt, somehow it was not as important as the shaking of the body. It was crucial that I continue. And so I shook and vibrated and whirled crazily in the sunshine of Escazu - the city known as the city of the witches - and self-consciousness began to creep into my thinking. What if Bob should come out onto the patio to see what I was doing, as he was prone to do. But thought of self quickly passed away under the influence of the thing. I really didn't care if he saw me or not.

Suddenly, without warning, my body slowed down, systematically. The activity relaxed and withdrew simultaneously from all muscles at once, within a matter of seconds. The body carefully eased out of its bent position and stood straight up and down. A huge bubble of lightness swooned upward and I found myself floating suspended, without bodily weight, in a wonderful feeling of lightness, a state impossible to describe. With no will to move, I waited. Long moments passed in suspended bliss, and then the thighs tightened once more, gripping themselves firmly to the earth beneath. The hips began once more to undulate, the force coming from the abdominal region. It shivered up the spine rather quickly and branched out into the shoulders, down the arms and out the finger tips, shaking those appendages like the fragile upper branches of a tree rattling in a storm. My hands and fingers shook with such force that I opened my eyes to watch them, amazed at their speed! Energy was being literally thrown off of the tips of my fingers, lethargic, dead, toxic energy. My head became again like a spinning top and it too seemed to be shaking off dead energy. My brain and ears hummed with sound and my whole body whirred like a living buzz saw.

This second activity did not last as long as the first, but long enough that I once more grew tired, and wondered if it would ever stop. What was I getting myself into? I became acutely aware of the physical deterioration that my body had undergone over the 38 years of my life, and it seemed to be in a horrible condition. Tired and exhausted, I let the action continue without caring any more. Without wanting to know. I was committed in some primal way to the cause of the thing without understanding it. I did not know at the time that the shaking up was a rejuvenation of sorts, a very natural process as old as time itself that signifies the passage into greater life. Sort of like when the caterpiller sheds its heavy earthbound hide to emerge liberated and free as a butterfly, and when the seedling springs loose of the heavy soil into the light of day. And as far as human beings are concerned, I did not know that I was playing with an ancient process that has been known only by a handful of the world's population over the centuries, and which has been kept carefully hidden from the masses for reasons I still don't understand to this day, and so allows me to write about it. I did not know that I was dipping into the very heart of the mystery of the cosmic mystery schools. Had I known beforehand I would have instantly withdrawn (or would I?) but no warning bells clanged, no swords were raised to bar my way, and so I stumbled care-free into the garden of paradise and frolicked happily in the ethereal grasses of another world without a second's hesitation or backward glance.

My body continued to flop and twirl and bend and churn in the currents of the inner wind until once more I grew so tired I did not care. Suddenly, once again, the activity ceased without warning. It withdrew rather quickly when it was finished, and calm replaced the chaos that once had been, but like no calm I had ever felt before. I remained in the eye of peace, still, open and waiting, and while I waited I became conscious of a glow enveloping me around the head and shoulders. Its touch was almost physical, as if the softest, most delicate of silks were moving around my face, brushing against my cheeks, around my neck and shoulders. I was captured inside a crystal bubble within the confines of time and space, and during that moment in time as I waited to see what would happen next, feeling the radiation emanating through the pores of my skin, I knew myself in a way that I had never known myself before. It is the hardest part of all to describe, for words are based on human conditions, and I had been emptied of everything that makes a human being what he or she is.

In the absence of all personal considerations, the toxins of the human condition, I knew myself as quality, not as personality. All of the qualities were present that men call noble and of the higher spectrum of civilized life. These qualities, however, were known, SEEN, in such a dazzling, lucid way that by comparison their earthly counterparts such as we adore in heroes, martyrs and saints, were like shadows, tiny off shooting sparks of a passionate, sizzling, all-encompassing fire whose infinite dimensions defy capture in words.

I did not "see" or "feel" these qualities per se, but rather I was in actuality those qualities - radiations of light, love, beauty, compassion, courage, freedom, happiness, wonder, and openness to the nth degree. The quality of oneness was so complete that this is what caused the light. Nothing was in the way, nothing to distort or hide or conceal. All flowed together openly, naturally, with great ebullience, aligning with the whole of existence, everywhere. There was a singular movement, or cause, behind it all, like a mind, or a heart, a presence so to speak which collectively loved for the pure and simple act of loving. It had such a passion for life that even now as I remember, the tears flow in my eyes. This was no stagnant peace! I cannot describe the fires of love that I felt for all of life, collectively, without discrimination. It was clear that I was not a separate entity.

There was no skin, no brain, no membrane that set me apart. And yet, I was conscious of being "me". I was intimately aware of myself and conscious of spanning and including all of existance, and caring for each and every part. And all I wanted was all of me to rise and to be happy, to throw off the yoke of confusion, to heal without consequence and get on with the business of REAL living, for THIS was what it was all about.

Neither was the moment confined to a mental realization alone. It was a physical thing, for the cells of my body seemed to tingle and float freely in this wonder-essence which was not unlike oil that flowed in and around the parts of my body. A glow permeated the atoms and molecules and saturated them with this love stuff, and spilled out onto the skin into the air, buoying me upward. There was no sense of gravity. Wrapped in this splendid aura of delight, I turned then, knowing that the strange inner wind was finished with its work. And from a great distance, a distance not measureable in yards or inches, I saw Bob standing in the open doorway of the patio, watching me. As I began moving toward him, merely by willing the action, it seemed that the lower half of me did not exist. I moved on air, my head was high in another realm. The glow extended from below my chest to above my head.

I came to within a foot of Bob when the overwhelming rapture in which I was cacooned increased! A torrent of heat and love came tumbling through my body, rushing through and spilling out into the atmosphere, engulfing me and Bob. It poured from me like a fire, washing through and over me like a surging, raging need that did not sear or burn, but rather cared. It loved. It was no human love at all. Sexual love would have been consumed and swallowed up in its searing openness. No human being could have contained it and so it spilled out and washed over the land, and more came so that it never emptied. On and on it came, with no rest, no stopping, nothing to inhibit its flow. Through the rarified atmosphere of the open window only recently created, I saw that the torrent could have gone on forever, and never empty itself but rather actually increase in power. The sea of life was immense! It's yearning so great, the pressure so intense to enter the vacuum of a world unfulfilled, that it gushed through the uncapped opening like blood through an open wound, its life pumping through, never stopping, not wanting to stop. I placed my head on Bob's shoulder and the torrent engulfed him mightly but did not stop with him, but continued on and outward. This love was not meant to be contained, not meant for one person alone, but for a world, for life itself.

I could not contain this extraordinary flow for long, however, and eventually memory of my normal human condition, the needs, the wants, the plans, crept back into my mind to mingle with the bliss of my former wideness. For a long time we stood motionless in the fading glow until, without speaking, we parted and went our way without speaking. The heights to which I soared remained for days afterwards. It seems strange that I have never spoken of this experience to Bob, but it could not be verbalized then. Only now, eight years later as I am writing this, does hind-sight give me the perspective to even attempt to capture the experience in words. Only by way of these written pages will Bob come to know a little of what has been going on all these many years subjectively, within me.

Bob has been intimately connected to what has happened to me but in ways I don't understand. It is as if he is a silent partner whose function is never clear. Certainly he has been the disciplinarian that I have needed when I least wanted one. And certainly he has been the stern militarist who has forced me to face my own errors. And he has been the father who hugs me when I cry over imagined failures, keeping me afloat in those negative washes. And he it is who later insists I eat a hearty meal of meat and potatoes when I would rather eat vegetables, laughing at me over my earlier trauma, making it light, forcing me into the present. And he is my lover, too. It was he who introduced me to all of the hidden facets of my physical self, who taught me not only about my own body, but opened the way to love others, too, showing me how to love lovingly, indiscriminately, elevating sex and sensuality while others all around me put it down. He has been a cold and calculating critic of my writings, slashing, rejecting without mercy, regardless of my deep personal feelings:

"It's too religious,” he would say. “No one wants to read that shit!" forcing me to spell it out in everyday words. But, he has stayed awake through the night when the demons came, warding off the evil with his caring, holding me in his arms. He has been my friend and confidant in every way but this, the most important part of me - the transcendent movements, the golden awareness that dawns on the inside of my mind and body. We never discuss it. He warns me not to play with it. He is an ever present anchor pulling me down and away from the influences I long for, insisting that I pay more attention to the practical world. Yet, it is his advice that allows me to reach higher ground. His hard edges keep me in the center of the upward thrust. Yes, he is an enigma I have yet to understand.


Chapter 5

The Little Red Book

One lovely morning we decided to take a trip into the city. Over the last few weeks the uplifting inner wind has been ever present, ebbing and flowing. When it ebbs, as it was now, it gently laps the shores of my life reminding me it is there. It does not go away. My mind is ever sprinkled with star dust from regions beyond, but it is soft and leaves me alone to do my normal life. Yet there is an opening in me through which another kind of light comes in and spreads around, not just my mind but everywhere in my body. It is as if a light has been turned on inside of me. It is light because there are no walls to obstruct it, but it has movement too. My muscles register an activity. It is spacious, giving me a sense of being immortal or eternal.

When the inner presence recedes like the tide of the ocean falling back, I don’t have the visions in the same way as when it is at full flow, so I can carry on my day as normal. But there is a sense of limitlessness around and in me. It whispers around me like specters haunting me with their presence but not interfering. The sea is ever present to those who live by the shore and one smells it, feels its freshness and its breezes on the skin. This was like a sea, full of aliveness and newness, and in spite of myself I smiled a lot. I had a great, awesome, supernatural, out-of-this-world secret inside of me and I didn’t know what to do with it. It was filling me with hope and love and tempting me to come with it and play. It was like a secret lover who remains hidden out of sight but who waits for the next tryst.

Yet I was brimming with a need to know. It wasn’t all roses as I am painting here, though I remember the beauteous part better than the not-so-pleasant. My mind was often in a frenzy, whirling faster than ever, like a pinwheel in a strong wind, trying to figure it out, trying to make sense, trying to balance the craziness. Neurons sputtering and flying in all directions. It was often like being in the middle of a tornado swirling through the house and throwing everything onto the floor in jumbles. I was often unstable but thankfully I had Bob for balance. He was kind and wise and patient, and I held onto him whenever I needed to, like a railing one grabs for support. What was this thing? What was I to do with it? Why me? Where is it taking me? Is it dangerous as Shirley suggested? Should I find a teacher? So many questions and no answers.

Bob and I walked often in the city of San Jose, exploring things. We would drive to the Tico Times office where he delivered his Money Doctor article for the small English-language paper, or go to a store to look at furnishings, or stop at Maynard and Marg’s to visit with them, or to the Mercado to pick up some meat and vegetables. Life was an adventure. Life is not always happy. It has its ups and downs. But our life seemed always to be an adventure. We were in a honeymoon stage, not just with each other but with this new country and its people. Everything we saw was exciting. “Oh, look at that!” And “Oh, look at this cute little restaurant. Let’s come back here for lunch!” And when we came home, Bob insisted we sit down on the sofa and talk to “Mr. Tape”. We recorded everything we did, the feelings we had, the inspirations, thoughts, impressions, we put it all on tape.  “Hello, Mr. Tape,” we would start out, and then tell the story of our day, which was full of discovery.

I wore long dresses for comfort, even in the city. They allowed me to breathe, and when it rained I took my shoes off and walked barefoot down the broken sidewalks. I would notice sometimes that as I walked my fingers were dancing, like a ballet dancer’s. And they sparkled. The energy that was always there just below the surface threatened to break out at any moment and cause me to twirl or shimmy or dance, but I held it in check. I felt it periodically rise to my chest ready to explode into happiness but I was learning to control it. Even now, trying to capture it in words 35 years later, I can still feel the energy wanting to explode everything that is human and break out of this limiting box and dance with the divine. But I was learning to control it.

On this particular day we were walking down a sidewalk among throngs of people and I saw myself in a window, reflecting back my own image. I had on a long orange sun dress that went to my ankles. My hands were stretched out and fingers dancing. My stature was tall with short blond hair. I was a rather strange sight amongst the darker diminutive Costa Rican people who were so sweet and humble in their gentle ways. I had been told that, yes, I looked different but because I was a foreigner I could get away with dressing the way I did. It was acceptable.

Just then we were passing a book store and spontaneously I turned left and went in without thinking. Bob followed me. Without looking around, as if pulled by a magnetic force, I walked down the left-hand isle to the back of the store to a little red book on a shelf about chest high. It seemed to reach out to me. It was small, with a very thin spine, almost lost in the larger books around it. But it was saying to me, “Look at me! Look at me!” And it nearly jumped out of its place and into my hands. It was red all over and in gold letters on the front cover was “Kundalini, an occult experience” by G.S. Arundale. As if in trance I said to Bob, “This book is for me. We have to buy it.”

As soon as we got into the little orange Honda we had purchased upon arriving in Costa Rica, I opened the book excitedly and started reading out loud. Bob, in his usual stoic way, said nothing. He seldom showed what he was thinking. Picking up on his disinterest, my reading turned inward to myself alone. I continued reading all the way home and into the house and on through the afternoon when the rains came. And I learned something. On page 36 the message popped out at me through the lacey filigree of abstract sentences:  

“I wonder whether I ought not to speak of these more definite stages in the growth of Kundalini as the conscious directing of the Force, rather than as an ‘awakening‘. Wherever there is life, there is Kundalini more or less awake, and awakening. But the conscious direction and handling of its power is another matter altogether.”

Running excitedly to Bob I said to him, “It’s all about directing this energy. I have to direct it. I wonder where I should direct it?” And so began an afternoon of mulling over where to direct this energy. What do I want to do with it? Where should it go? Being so caught up in the moment of living life to its fullest, I didn’t have any ambitions. No unfinished business. Nothing I needed to accomplish. This was a dilemma. I had developed myself to be an open channel to the higher forces even before kundalini arrived. So now I am supposed to “aim” it? How could this be? I don’t want to “aim” my life at anything. But this was indeed serious. I had felt the power of the kundalini and  needed to do something with it or it would blow my mind. Indeed the author said as much.

Here I will throw in a few excerpts which I read that day, for they spoke out loud and clear to me.  This little book validated for me not only that the energy was real but there was a historical record of it. Someone else knew about it too. I wasn’t the only person in the world who had this crazy, outlandish, out-of-body experience. The book was copyrighted in 1938 by the Theosophical Publishing House in India. The year I was reading it was 1976, 38 years later and I was 38 years old.  

”It is the Fire of Life and therefore flows through all. But it may flow either as a gentle stream, simply vitalizing, or it may be directed into special channels and become a raging torrent, let us hope subordinated to great purpose so that the raging is a purposeful, disciplined raging, though a raging none the less.”

“It tends to flow along the lines of least resistance, and sometimes such lines may lead downwards and not upwards, with indescribably disastrous effect."

“Nowadays, in the case of many, Kundalini must be developed in the market-places, where the danger is great and not in the forests, where the danger is minimized."

“Can the brain stand the pressure? This is, perhaps, the principal question with regard to the arousing of Kundalini....”

“Are the inner bodies adequately developed and controlled, and is the physical vehicle recovered from such educative misuse as must inevitably have taken place during the long ages of development?”

“It may in fact be a case of the spirit being willing but the flesh being weak, a case of the Ego being ready but the lower bodies being weak, for the reason that the physical body in its existing condition is unable to stand the strain of Kundalini.”

“Hence, the brain is a great danger point, for disaster will be the result of an overstrained brain. The path of occultism, it is said, is strewn with wrecks. I venture to think that the path of the arousing of Kundalini, even if only in the very first stages, is strewn with even more wrecks.”

While the warnings of danger were everywhere present in the book, the looming vastness pulsated physically through me and around me and blotted out the significance of any danger. I was being assured over and over that all is well and on course. So in the soft and gentle easiness of my state of mind, I decided to direct the energy to Bob. It made perfect sense because he had been worried about money. He had been my benefactor, mentor, soul mate, lover and partner and we were linked together as one person, and he had been recently worried about money. He had left his job in Los Angeles when he had had a major heart attack, and while he had a trust fund left by his mother, it wasn’t going to be enough to sustain us for long, and I had no money of my own. Now that I had been told to make a conscious choice, to make a conscious decision to direct the energy somewhere, into something or someone, I decided to direct it to Bob. Simply Bob.

The invisible wheels went into motion the next day. He received a phone call from someone who had read his Money Doctor column in the Tico Times. They wanted an appointment with him to discuss investments in Costa Rica. Apparently the little English-language paper went to 58 countries around the world because it was a neat little tax haven with no extradition laws. I accompanied Bob to the meeting and sat quietly listening. As the group of men talked I was aware of the significance of what was happening. The familiar quickening began all over my body at once and I directed my thought to Bob. Immediately the quickening localized in my right arm which began to quiver. I gripped the arm of the chair in which I sat harder, to prevent its rising and shaking and continued focusing on Bob from my lower regions where I first felt the “click” take place on that first day.

Bob spoke magnificently. There was power in his speaking. He formed a better, more connected “whole” to his presentation, with a sense of integrity and purpose. The potential clients were impressed. They decided to invest their money in Costa Rica. I cannot remember the specific details for I was not interested. I was there merely to support Bob. But what happened after was an explosion of activity into which I was caught like a fly in a web for the next four years. And here I was, deep inside the market place as the author Arundale had said, but with the uncanny presence of other-world dimensions processing me every step of the way. And me not understanding why.

Shortly after that appointment, Bob had several meetings with significant people and became a seat holder on the newly formed Costa Rican stock exchange, the only foreign owner of a seat. He found a Spanish-speaking partner to go into business with him, he had clients with money to buy stocks with, and we found an office for rent over a restaurant down town. We bought several desks, chairs and filing cabinets and moved in. We filed all the right papers with the government, and soon we were in business under our personal corporation called “Bona” for Bob and Nancy. Our lives  changed virtually overnight from a life of easy-going retirement to a frenzied work life, traveling every morning down the mountain to the city and coming home every night frazzled but on a high. It was all part of the adventure.

Here I must stop and gather my thoughts, for the next four years must be carefully handled. I do not want to get caught up in the minutiae of detail. This is a story about the kundalini, not about the outer world. How did kundalini handle me being in the market place? And how did I manage kundalini in the chaos of it all? This is what I seek to address here, so I will search my memory banks for those lucid moments that are indelibly printed within me. These are the moments that shine with a light that pulled me up and out of the mundane. They are significant. They hold valuable information that I want to mine.  The outer world happenings are just shadows of this fantastic journey.

For instance the time Bob and I were driving to San Jose one morning and, just as we stopped at the blinking yellow light to turn left into town, a huge semi truck honked his excruciatingly loud horn as he roared past us and plunged on through the yellow light without stopping. I had already put cotton my ears to try to mute the sounds of the city, but it didn’t do much good. In a split second I was - how can I say this - I was falling off the edge of the Earth into blackness. That’s exactly how it was. I was rolling down the curvature of the planet, which was black enough in its own right but the outer void was even blacker. I screamed, a blood-curdling sound to my own ears, because I knew it was the end for me. The blackness was terrifying. I cannot put into words the bottomless infinite immenseness of nothingness into which I was about to fall and disappear forever.

Suddenly I was pulled back. Someone or something grabbed me and held me from going over the brink into what seemed to be beyond death. I found myself sitting once more in the front seat of the Honda still at the traffic light. Bob was just beginning to pull out into the main road. I sat frozen in shock. My entire body was shaking in a state of recovery from certain death. I couldn’t speak. Eventually, I looked at Bob who hadn‘t seemed to notice and asked, “Did I scream back there?”  

“No,” he said, and I told him what happened. He didn’t say anything.

This experience tells me that there is Someone watching. Someone invisible to me and my senses is definitely watching, for whoever it was reached out and saved me from falling over the edge of, who knows what or where I would have ended up? The brink of sanity is a scary phrase, but I thought it then. Who is it who can reach out and help in such a fashion when nobody else knows there is an emergency and you can’t help yourself?  Who are they? What are they? Why don’t we have more information on this? Why are we left with such a mystery?


Part 2 - The unfolding of Kundalini  

The rest of this book has been taken from my personal journals, which I kept over the years, with the Master Djwhal Khul as my main guide, mentor and personal friend ever ready to advise and correct as needed. Kundalini is too powerful to handle alone. After kundalini awakened  on that first day, shortly thereafter, in a matter of days, I began receiving words in my mind flowing forth like a river. I wrote them down just to get them out of the head, long-hand on paper wherever I happened to be, even in restaurants or coffee shops, or in the car riding, or at home or the middle of the night.  The words were ever present flowing through me.  

It wasn't until we moved back to the States in 1980 that I met the Master Djwhal Khul. I did not know his name prior to that. I didn't know where the words were coming from that were talking to me in my head, plus my metabolism was racing at super high speed much of the time. It was very stange. Here is how I was introduced to the Master Djwhal Khul. 

It would seem my sole purpose was to write my experiences and tell this story. There are many writings on paper, stored in various locations. I continue to find some of them in out of normal places. Writing the words down helped me to stay sane. Otherwise they would have built up and clogged my brain. Writing was like opening the cage door and letting the birds fly free. It has been a continual unfolding of revelations, visions and experiences into higher realms of light and love - and on occasion into lower realsm. Light and Love is the main theme however. Always Light and Love. And bliss and rapture. It has now been 49 years since it first began. Prior to kundalini awakening I was a normal girl raised on a farm in Massachusetts with three sisters, no brothers. Then everything changed, but there were several steps that led to the change. These are random selections as I find time. Eventually there will be a book, but in the meantime I have used this website to post them, to work up to the final draft. It is the easiest and best way for me to work do it. And I am happy to share openly these experiences. It is a work in progress for anyone who finds it.


1970 - A Prebirth vision

This was from BEFORE 1976, when I was in Mexico living with the Stecklings I had a very profound vision. I lived with them from 1968 to 1971. This must have been around 1969 or 70. I was ironing in the back room of the old stone farm house one day in which a small group of us were living, (the walls were made of field stone) when I found myself walking down a golden sidewalk in a lovely city. I could see my own reflection in the sidewalk which looked shiny like gold. I was a young woman, longish light-colored hair to the shoulders, skirt flaring out as I walked. City buildings not far away. They were translucent with colors like pearl changing in the sunlight.  I could see figures moving around inside and I could hear their tinkling laugher when I tuned in.  I was in a park with lovely flowers and trees. A bird flew down to greet me and it was etheric. I saw right through the feathers into its internal organs. The trees greeted me as I walked by and bent their heads to me.
 
As I walked, I heard someone calling me from behind me. I turned and it was a young man. He said, “He wants to see you.” I believe this was mentally projected at me because the use of “he” transmitted to me a picture of one of the elders. I went immediately to one of the buildings in the center of the park and up a wide curved stair case of white marble. I went in through the front doors and down into one of the rooms. No secretary or receptionist. I just walked in and he greeted me and invited me to sit down. He told me I was to return to Earth and he wanted to know my feelings and if I knew why.  I was willing to go and said No, I don‘t know. He then turned his attention to the space above us in the air, and he unfolded for me a vision. I saw into the sea of consciousness which was made up of many individual consciousnesses, each growing in spiritual progress to hold their own space with the energy allotted them. He pointed out my space and my energy. It was sadly lacking. I wasn’t holding up my end. There was a deficiency. Almost a vacancy. I accepted what he showed me, no questions asked, and then I left and went to a building where you could help yourself to food through a self-selection process. I met a young man there and sat down with him at a table to eat. I told him that I was going to return to Earth. He didn’t have any response to that and I was disturbed that he wasn’t disturbed. Apparently I was attached to him. Later in life, I don’t know when, I became aware that this young man followed me to Earth but I don’t know who he is.
 
At that point I suddenly became aware that I was ironing. I was back in the old stone farmhouse and I had ironed all the clothes in the basket and had folded them neatly in a pile near me. I don’t know how long this vision lasted. 


12/1/81 - Experiencing the rigidity of the body

Somewhere during the night I had an experience. I do not remember having the experience, only the memory of its vividness. It left a deep impression on me: I was totally removed from the body, yet within it, as though the body were a shell around me. And yet I was free. I was not the body but a free agent without the body. I was fully awake without the body. So free! But this is not the astounding part, for I have felt such freedom before, often. The consciousness is – indeed – truly a free and lovely thing beyond imagination. I am so deeply in love with this loveliness, so impressed with its transcendence, and I find myself worshiping it throughout the day. When I slip into darkness a little, I need only begin saying the silent poems I have written, to myself, and give acknowledgement to it throughout the day. It is easy to fall away from this closeness, but it is easy to stay on, too. I love the contact and the light it surrounds me with. I live in its presence most of the time.
 
But now, from this vantage point I saw for the first time the rigidity of this body. It was absolutely immovable, like a dead thing with only a little nerve impulses running from me into it to give it what little life it does have. And it IS a robot. It has no life of its own. I saw this, I felt it, I experienced it. I was for a moment inside that shell to see the comparison. When I was in it I felt the “death” of it, the distortion of the life’s training upon it which formed certain grooves and channels over which the consciousness was permitted to flow out into the world of experience. And there were not many – those that were, were distorted. And the most profound of all was the realization that I was NOT that body, that I was trying to move a dead thing (!!) around in this life! Impressive! It makes me feel even MORE alive, knowing this. I am not attached to this body. I do not NEED it, but I wear it for convenience.

Consciousness is a majestic thing. Consciousness is life, no matter where you are, no matter what you are, no matter how low or how high you go, it is God himself that is the consciousness in you. It cannot be more. [Many years later I learned about the dark web that feeds off this precious light like a parasite.] 
 

12/2/81 Free of the body, tied to universal loveliness

I went to sleep with the clear-ringing tones of my “sound”. In the middle of the night or towards morning I woke within an opening into the universe. I’ve been here before. Blackness and many stars. I was totally free of the body. It was a reminder, again, that I am not tied to this body and further I AM tied to a universal thing that is incredibly clear, lucid, lovely and transcendent. Always the comparison is there between this world and that – and that is far, far more lucid, real, like a vacuum of a lighter essence, a lighter world within this heavier atmosphere. So clear – like a bell. Mind, body, soul – so strikingly clear. How I long to go there and be a part of that world. We have truly forgotten where we come from, the divinity of what we are – yet it is not far away. It needs to be focused upon more through the flashlight beam of an uplifted consciousness. My mantra sound helps, but it is my own. It fits me. I tried it out and shifted words around so they felt right. No one could give me that sound.


1/20/82 - How I met the Master Djwhal Khul

This was written many years later, in 2024 for a newsletter. I became acquainted with him around 1982 but I never made a record at the time. Before this time I did not know his name, but I DID know about the Ascended Masters and the spiritual brotherhood. At the age of 15 I had read the "Life and Teachings of the Masters of the Far East" by Baird Spaulding, from my mother's library.

It was around 6 years after the spontaneous kundalini awakening occurred while living in Costa Rica. My husband, Bob Adler and I had moved to Tampa, Florida and started holding swing parties due to a rather rapid unfoldment after kundalini activted in me. It exploded into my life, and therefore into Bob's life, and everything started changing. This book is all about the unfoldment of kundalini. The first thing I learned from the book “Kundalini” by Arundale, was to direct the energy. After thinking about it I decided to direct it to Bob, since he was worried about money. Almost immediatelly, the next day according to my notes, Bob received a telephone call from someone and a meeting was arranged. He had been writing a weekly column entitled "The Money Doctor" for the little Costa Rican newspaper, "The Tico Times". Bob started getting calls from people wanting to invest money in CR. He/we started a business (I was included) and he found the perfect Spanish-speaking partner to help him.

After a few years of being very busy, both of us, he had a heart attack. In the hospital he was healed miraculously by a woman I met. Shortly after we went to FL for his eye surgery. On the eye surgery trip we visited a nudist camp, Lake Como near Tampa, FL, met some people and learned about swinging. While there, we looked at houses and bought one in Zephyrhills, outside of Tampa. We moved in in 1981 but had to return to Costa Rica a number of times to settle affairs in the business and the house. In between the back and forth, to Costa Rica, Bob started writing a column for a swing magazine published in Florida. We put an ad in the magazines offering seminars on swinging, which we were exploring ourselves. 
 
One of the couples we met during this time attended a metaphysical church in the area and invited me, due to my interest, to attend. Bob and I attended a meeting. When it was over the leader escorted us all out the rear door of the church. As I was in line ready to turn right and go out the exit, I suddenly turned left, automatically, as if in trance, and started walking down the hall away from the exit door. It was a very strong pulling. I was accustomed to following the inner wind of kundalini every day and the inner wind was strongly pulling me. The leader said, "No, this way," he was concerned and reached for me to turn me around. But I kept walking down the hallway, drawn irresistibly by an inner force. I turned right into an office at the end of the hallway, saw book shelves along the back wall and went to them, took a book from off the shelf as if in trance. It was titled "Intermediate Studies of the Human Aura" by Master Djwhal Khul.  I asked to buy the book and the leader sold it me. I took it home and began reading. This was the beginning of my relationship with the Master DK. I never met him in the physical. I use the picture of him which is now famous on the internet, as a focus for me. It is framed on my table. I also have pictures of other ascended masters in my study but Master DK is my own master guide. I have enjoyed a blended consciousness with him for over 48 years. I have detected that he has changed his appearance and moved to a higher realm himself. 
 

2/5/82 - Releasing the seven centers

Last night I re-lived being on the farm in Northboro. It was neither a dream, nor a memory. It was more like being there. Further, I found myself “coming in” for a landing so to speak through the process of materializing. I materialized from out of a void - space – and was conscious of the process. I materialized at a spot near the stone wall leading to the back corner of the large cow pasture. And I did indeed feel those ancient feelings that I once experienced, all over again. My programming tape is working. I am there. It is not a memory like all my memories have been. As I ‘was” there I looked around and relived the feeling of the cow pasture and even now it is impossible to describe because I am now only calling on memory again. It was a most lovely experience. Emotionally, there was no trauma – neither great sadness nor great happiness. It was simply being there and feeling the surroundings. I think I like this experimenting! I briefly wondered, during this process, if I was dreaming or if I was imagining. But the experience was even more conscious than of dreaming or remembering. It was an alert awareness, more alert than the waking state.
 
During the meditation I saw the reason for the chakras (God centers) and what must be done. The base of the spine center is a pilot light sent at the time of conception. This is the god force in nature without which the soul could not be anchored. The seat of the soul center (sacral center) is just above and is the power behind the sexual energies and reproductive organs. This is the center of freedom in its ultimate expression. Now it represents slavery and bondage because individuals are intimidated by the thought of sin and shy away from it, thus keeping the light hid behind a veil. The individual must open this center and accept the sexual forces into the body.
 
The solar plexus is the center of peace in its ultimate expression. Now it represents power and aggression in both action and thought, all of which must submit to peaceful intentions and therefore peace. The heart is the center of love in its ultimate expression. Now it represents hate and other emotions which must all be transmuted by the individual to express only love in the highest form. The throat is the center of perfect sound in its ultimate expression. Now it represents discordant sound which confuses and torments, but as the individual masters himself and his issues, the sounds that come forth - the words - will represent harmony and good will.
 
The third eye is the center of the perception of truth in its ultimate expression. Now it represents only confusion because of the distortions and blocks in the individual's makeup, but as these are cleared up, truth takes a natural position. The real motives then become clear behind any given situation. The real person behind the sick body, behind the sick mask, becomes clear and obvious, thus allowing healing to take place. Real facts behind a confused matter become known allowing the individual to move himself out of any given place. With the opening of this center, visions are seen which are insights into the real behind the mask.
 
The crown is the center of the perception of God and the higher order of intelligence. Now it represents the human intellect and reason because the individual cannot see beyond reason, but as he blossoms from within and as other chakras open he becomes clearer and clearer about himself, his life, and his body and he slowly opens this center to the super intelligence behind all of life which will flow in and out of him. It is so simple! Each of these attributes may be worked upon all at the same time, by anyone.
 
(1) The seat of the soul center may be worked upon by practicing to transmute sexual restriction into sexual freedom, pure and simple. (Freedom of attitude regarding his OWN sexual forces.)
 
(2) The solar plexus center may be opened by transmuting power and aggression into peace, pure and simple.
 
(3) The heart center may be opened by transmuting anger and chaotic emotions into love, pure and simple.
 
(4) The throat center may be opened by transmuting words of a destructive nature into words of good will, pure and simple.
 
(5) The third eye center may be opened by transmuting partial truths into whole truths, pure and simple.
 
(6) The crown center may be opened by transmuting blame for conditions and accidents into acceptance, pure and simple, accepting that there is a divine intelligence and a reason for all things. By so doing, the reason becomes known and no longer remains a mystery.
 
(7) The seventh center is the base of the spine, the lowest center in the human body. It is the pilot flame that burns quietly, anchoring the soul to the body. This may be awakened in all its splendor and force through the practice of letting nature have its way, letting natural movements happen in daily life, in the body. This includes appeasing hungers rather than suppressing them; expressing emotions rather than holding them back; following urges to the ultimate conclusion rather than ignoring them; changing physical conditions when they irritate, rather than pretending that they do not bother. The forces that live in the center are the forces that are held back by an individual who mistakenly thinks he is mastering his life but is not. He is actually suppressing life. The kundalini, the powerful god-force embedded in nature, comes forth only when allowed to express freely. Once it has been coerced into free expression, then one learns how to become the master. The lessons begin by yielding, blending, allowing the serpent fire to move though the body, learning its personality by blending with it. The individual must test himself here with this force. He must marry this force because he IS the force behind the mask of ego.
 
All of these practices may be worked on simultaneously. It may be a little hard for the mind to understand, but it is not a problem for the mind. It is a problem for the individual who limits himself. He must become bigger than the limited mind. It is a question of becoming the master and affecting attitude changes over and above the ego so that the soul may carry out its splendid destiny. Thus the God-man clothed in human flesh becomes free at last.


2/15/82 - There is a constant explosion outward

The words are coming fast and furious bursting in my mind. The thing that has held me back since it first germinated in me has been the constant checking by Bob, holding me back, making me stop, forcing me to focus on the mundane, the personal, the small! It’s frustrating to the explosion outward that is constantly going on. There is a movement outward, away from the petty and meaningless things that make up people’s lives. There is a desire to reach out and heal and soothe the whole world, not just a tiny cell hidden away somewhere inside that immense body.
 
There is a movement of such grandeur, and such immensity, there is such beauty and pristine purity involved. The explosion is similar to that of a supernova, a sun being born. And from somewhere within I am watching, perceiving, knowing what is happening. Who am I? I am caught up in this massive explosion. Sometimes I am unsure who and what I am. Sometimes I am not – and in my stead exists a wondrous peace. A livingness that includes and transcends everything that ever lived and still lives – and this is the rapture, the ecstasy of which they say, “It cannot be described.” It is golden and it is white. It is a wash of light and it is a myriad of tiny sparks floating in a rainbow of ethereal, unearthly substance. That is what I am when the “me” disappears. I am that. I am that golden wash of living light and nothing more nor less. And as I become that, I know that all else is that, too. There is no one who can escape it except for a temporary span of time – a very small, mundane, span of time. A time in which I can say, “I am an individual! I am me! I am separate and distinct from others!” But that time does not last. It is a person created only by tremendous effort of will, so to live separate from the whole for a while, only to return once more.
 
No, it is not this cosmic connection that we must learn about. We are already a part of that. It is the human world that we are made to discover. We were sent here on a mission, to uncover the identity of worldly things and bring them home again. And so the frustration of being held in check, being held back from exploding too fast, is the avenue over which I must travel to accomplish that purpose. Bob, my husband, who so constantly reminds me not to go too far, not to say too much, is my teacher. I – the cosmic me – picked him out from the masses because I needed him to guide me. I did it without being conscious, as you do things meaningful also, without being conscious.
 
Now we must begin waking up. We are here to perceive the cosmic beauty in the mundane, petty world. We are here to see the angels hovering around the depressed areas of the world, casting their golden sparklets of magic in the atmosphere around. We are here to wake up, to look up, and to smile because the world is a magical transforming place of primeval and unorthodox loveliness. The power of the occult lives and breathes and moves across this planet as it did when the earth first came into being. The spirits call to one another through the spheres between the galaxies and make their home upon this little blue and white pebble moving around the sun. The angels dance at midnight, calling forth the dawn and sweep within the hospital rooms of the sick to call them forth. The enchanting movement of the cosmic dawn is felt most in those exquisite moments of loving, when the movement is one of reaching out to help, inspire, to lift all who come within that touch.
 
The power is strong, so strong, and this poor body has been working to keep up with the inflow of this mighty force. I must keep up or blow a fuse. This is the meaning of the ancient wisdom, the eternal truths that teach and mold the human substance - not the divine but the human – the nervous system, the brain, the cellular tissue, the muscles, the body habits, the foods to eat, the sexual habits, the stuff to drink, the way to sleep – these are the hidden truths that speak only to those who are waking up. We have misunderstood. We have felt for so long that there was a mystery involved in those ancient wise teachings. Not so! There is no mystery at all. We have simply been looking up when we should have been looking down. We are to look toward the earth, the other is already there, within, knowing itself. We are to learn about this poor little world with its sad substance and see the subatomic particles that whiz through space carrying messages from our father energy – the solar god. How majestic is our time and space!
 
The world is our classroom into which we go temporarily to learn. The life situations are our textbooks from which we study – friends, family, husbands and wives – these are our teachers. They have much to teach and to say if we will but listen. Do not misunderstand these words. You must look beyond the surface of a given thing. They are teaching you not to change your ways nor what you should do or say. Not at all. They are trying to get you to become stronger, surer, and more convinced in what YOU are. Do not let them dissuade you from your purpose. They are true teachers. They will try very, very hard, but they are not you. They are reflections from yourself. Their purpose is to stimulate you to become stronger. To be more alive. To be more you. Laziness begets dominant associates who prick and prod. “Follow me,” they say, but they are really saying, “Get up and move yourself.”


4/17/82 - A vision: How does one explain the splendor of the sun?

Last night the presence came again, after fifteen months. Fifteen months during which I lost count the number of times I crumbled my writings into a ball and threw them into the wastebasket and stare hopelessly out the window at the ever changing colors in the air around me, oblivious to my frustrated attempts.
 
How does one explain the splendor of the sun? How does one name that which has no name? Where does one find the temerity - the audacity - to attempt to fit that celestial brilliance into the rigid casing of the English language, where it must conform to human logic? For fifteen months I tried. I have been trying to create a helpful program of instruction to suit the times. There are so many people who want to know about meditation and the long lost powers of a race of gods now disguised in flesh. I could tell them. For fifteen months I have examined my task from every perspective imaginable. I have built it up and I have honed it down so that the simplest minds could understand. I have colored it with the truth that is stranger than fiction and I have filled it out with the meat of the practical mind. I have written it and revised it, again and again and again. And each time I have thrown it away. I have tried to explain the nature of that which cannot be explained. I have tried to fit the immortal into a mortal format, and for the last fifteen months the presence has not come, neither in the day nor in the night as it used to. Its absence seems to say, “Go ahead! Chisel it down to human size if you want but the fires of vision will not support you, nor will the majesty that you once knew visit you during such miniscule efforts!”
 
Finally I have been forced to admit to that which I once knew but had conveniently forgot. That which touches my inner heart from time to time, does so at the whim of a law not my own. That which illumines my inner eye is a light of a type unknown to me. I am but a fluff riding on giant waves, the recipient of a flame whose origins I do not understand. And so, two days ago I gave up in utter and complete frustration and agreed to stop all attempts to capture it in words. I gave up and in the wake of my surrender, the presence came again. In the night it came - that mystical light which conforms not an iota to the laws of this world, nor to the piousness of my body and mind. Undaunted by my imperfections it sought once more to establish itself within my being in all its sunlit magnificence, and impart a message to me.
 
Somewhere around dawn it came. I do not remember if my physical eyes ever opened or not, for I was in that peculiar state of consciousness which I have come to know so well, and for which I yearn so much these days, where my physical surroundings dwindle into nothingness as the ephemeral lights begin to twinkle into a crackling alertness in my mind, which signifies the coming of a great event.
 
The following attempt to describe the vision is a direct result of that particular visitation last night. I must put this down in writing. I must. I do not know why but I must. As I awoke from the stupor of sleep I became conscious of an immense sea of pulsating and sparkling lights which seemed to be electrical in nature. The over-all color was orange but with gold overlying and darkness underlying and blackness in the background. Upon closer inspection I found that I was WITHIN this sea of tiny little specks of light, each one of which was so miniscule as to be as small or smaller than an atom, for they were not able to be seen with the physical eye.
 
I did not see any one speck individually, per se, yet somehow I knew that each one was distinctly separate from its neighbors and unique. Yet simultaneously it was a unified part of the whole. The effect was like a strange kind of liquid undulation heaving with a mightiness that defied description, and a unity that defied separation.. This flowing sea of lights stretched in all directions into infinity for, again I don’t know how, but I knew that there was no end. I seemed to be part of this network of crackling lights that caused a great increase in my state of alertness. And as I watched I saw that each tiny spark was a mind with a consciousness all its own and it moved and glittered and sparkled with an intensity unique from its neighbors. The overall movement was one of exquisite sophistication and harmony not unlike a great orchestra caught up in a symphony of sounds where each instrument moves only in relation to the whole, never, never by itself.
 
I was overwhelmed with the immensity which was so obviously a living mind with vast powers of intelligence capable of holding the whole system together and in my heart there rose a song of devotion and praise, and I knew that I was one of those sparkling specks of light., I was struck with awe, and no matter in which direction I turned to look I could see far and deep. And I saw the varying shades and hues of light, the darker ones brownish in color falling into the backdrop, while the most brilliant ones, the color of the sun, came forward to catch and dazzle my eye, so alive where they - and radiating.
 
And now comes the hardest part of all. My words describe what I saw but there was another dimension to the vision which involved a penetration of feeling. The message that soon began to impress upon me was done through this deeper level of feeling. The sense of awe and grandeur to which I first awoke out of a dead sleep, was only the beginning. For shortly I found myself within the brilliant rays of a flaming intelligence focalized in the form of a sun. It burned with a white fire, whiter than any white I have seen thus far, yet I knew it to be a person. And as I fell into the magnetism of this intellect, I felt myself absorbing its attributes so that I was no longer myself, though I must have retained the shell of my former being in order to remember and describe it now. But for that span of time I was a part of that magnificent singular mind - that most impressive being - and I felt the whole spectrum of goodness - compassion, wisdom, intelligence, love, strength, purpose, clarity, refinement - it was, somehow, a fulfillment of what every mind should be, although who am I to say? I cannot imagine any mind on Earth ever attaining this grandeur even if it were to evolve for a million years. Such purity is impossible to imagine and yet, perhaps not. Perhaps not.
 
As I was being absorbed into the radiation of those rays, it was like being absorbed into the delicious rays of the warm summer sun yet a thousand times over. I became conscious of absorbing also a message most especially meant for me. I was being drenched with a quite specific instruction, through and through, body, mind and soul. It was so abundant and overflowing that at the height of the message it seemed that I WAS the instruction itself imprinting itself into every atom that composed my body. The moving pageant of the entire solar system would have faded into insignificance compared to that one moment in my life. And now I must attempt a translation into English, for this is specifically my task.
 
There was a prelude to the main body of the message and it was this: Had I been outside of the brilliance of this solar presence I would not have been able to receive its message. Thus for the short time that the message was being impressed upon me I was absorbed into it to become one with it. Only this way, I was told, could I have withstood its presence. This knowledge was given to me through an absorption into my whole being. The main part of the massage was as follows:
 
“There is an element unlike any element thus far discovered by mankind. It has yet to be researched and known. This elemental experience was given to me but I cannot describe it in words. I felt it and I knew it for the space of several moments. This element is similar to a power, yet it is more than a power for it comes close to being a substance. It is not fire, yet it is similar to fire. It is not water yet it is similar to water. It is not air yet it is similar to air. It is not substance yet it is similar to substance. It is not intelligence yet it is similar to intelligence. It has all of the above elements within it, yet it is more. It is somewhere between the physical and the nonphysical.
 
“This element has yet to be discovered and known and written about, and I am one of many who can do it. There are others. Many, many people are involved with it at varying levels, but those who are dealing with it on other levels cannot define it. I am to define what I experience. The visions I see come out of it and my movements are an effect of it. All of the incredible experiences I have been having come out of it and now I must put my experiences into words.”
 
In the lingering afterglow of this message I waited, as if on pause, because there was a secondary message. Its meaning was burned even deeper into the very core of me so that it became a permanent part of me, and it was this.
 
“I am not to presume that I know any more than anyone else pertaining to this element, for this is not the case. I have a certain purpose to accomplish and I have been prepared to carry out this purpose. My purpose is that of a recorder, not unlike the historian who records the facts as he sees them. If there were no historians, there would be no history books for others to use as reference points and guidelines in their work with this new element.”
 
The experience was still going on as I began coming out of that brilliant place into a smaller, darker space and I awoke in bed beside Bob, who was still asleep, trying to capture the echoes of it as it faded. Through my mind moved the haunting impression of once having held the glory of a sunset in the palms of my hands. It took me a long time to adjust to the flat darkness of my bedroom, time in which I became once more conscious of the clock whose red numerals glowed in the semi-dark and the heaviness of sleeping bodies. The soft light of the dawn was apparent through the draperies.
 
At length a bird called and pulled me all the way awake. I lay still and then at length shifted and put one arm across Bob and pulled myself close against his warm back, glad now for his fierce protection which, in times past, so annoyed me. I was glad because I could tell him in the morning about it. Who else would have encouraged these other worldly things and listened with such patience as I stumbled over the words? I pondered the element. What was it? The extraordinary feeling of it still soaking in my depths. It was sensory. What does it mean? The feeling is hauntingly familiar. It is extraordinarily close. it is significant. But of what? I pondered a long time and finally went to sleep.
 
I woke about 10 with Bob and even before I opened my eyes I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt the meaning of the message. I could identify the element that has yet to be discovered. The element is the soul. The substance of the soul, the other side of the physical. I was stunned. My experiences have been with the mysterious substance of the soul, alive and real in everyone but yet unknown. The unknown element is the soul, that illusive substance of personal identity which is the keystone of the new age. Chills run through me as I write this.
 
The meaning died away like echoes fading off into the distance. An element unlike any element thus far discovered and yet to be researched. A power yet more than a power. Similar to a substance, yet not a substance. Similar to fire yet not fire, similar to water yet not water, similar to air but not air, similar to intelligence but not intelligence. It is somewhere between the physical and the nonphysical.”


7/9/82 - Resigning myself to the lovely essence

I began my movements today with the ballet stance. First I propped the heel of the left foot up on the table in the meditation room, then I bent over to touch the toes. First with one hand counting to ten, then with the other hand counting to ten. Every day now for two weeks I've been doing this as part of a routine of exercises and I follow carefully what is written down on the piece of paper in front of me. It is the first time that I have followed a disciplined program that lasted longer than four days. The last time I made this attempt I succeeded in completing three days before the movements caught me up and tempted me away from my ritual.

I finished the ballet stance, put both feet on the floor and relaxed into a deep low bow all the way down to the floor and felt the familiar flow of the nectar inside. Every time I do the ballet stance, this happens. There is an almost magical release of mild ecstasy that seems to spring up spontaneously in every part of me, no one spot in particular but since I have been struggling to put some discipline into my life, to ground myself, I stopped the movement quickly before the meandering currents of euphoria began to lift me upwards on clouds of bliss.

There are two selves in me, one tries too hard and swims upstream against the current. The other observes, doesn't move, is content to float down stream with the tide. When the outer self lies down, the inner self wakes up and takes over. When I finally surrender myself, I am transformed almost instantly. Life blossoms into a transparent colorful miracle and joy and happiness flow without ceasing. But I am trying to discipline myself because that is what people are supposed to do. And my new regimen has done wonders for my sense of order and control. I am more in the world today and feel a more useful part of the system than I have ever been. And I have quite successfully ignored the tugging from within.

A night of happy lovemaking still stirred in my memory and in my body too, and I felt good with myself. But I was a bit too confident for suddenly my knees buckled under me and I melted into a contented springy little bounce on legs that felt like feathers and the euphoric energy began to move in spite of my determination at control. When I felt the heaviness of my body lifting from me and a lightness taking its place, I made a sudden, irrational decision to abandon the program today and go with the flow within. My will, softened from the sexual release this morning, surrendered without a fight and my two-week long planned exercise program sizzled out in abject failure.

I must say, I am highly suspicious of sexual love. That is, SOME sexual love, for it does not happen all of the time. There is an extraordinary number of mornings after when, during my meditations the movements are already awake, powerfully close and breathing ecstasy into me and brings me close into my heart even before I begin. And it laughs at my weak attempts at control. The lovely essence swoops me off my feet in a peculiar rising wind and totally ignores my mild protestations that I need to control it. And so it was this morning.

But, I resigned myself to it with love. Who of normal human weakness could resist such rapture? Is this not what all human beings seek? And no sooner did I agree to go with it, and turned around to shift my footing, when suddenly I felt softer, more subtle and oddly enough as though I had taken a step outside of myself, backwards and beyond, into a broad spatial expanse of a totally different region. I am sure that it was at this point that the outer self laid down, willingly surrendered, for there was a distinct movement from one point of perspective to another. And immediately a murmuring of devotion began in my conscious mind all by itself, as though someone else were speaking for me.

"I am the light," it began. "I am the light!" which was rather surprising to hear. I have heard this echo before on occasion during my meditations and oddly enough at times in the busy presence of others. But every time it happens I am totally surprised, as if someone has tapped me on the shoulder, yet when I turn around no one is there.

"I am the light." I am the light. I am the light. I serve the light. I see the light. I know the light. I am the light. I see the light. I serve the light. I walk in the light. I live in the light. I am the light. I speak the light. I live the light. I move in the light. I think the light. I see the light. I radiate the light. I am the light. I am the light. I am the light...."

The words seemed to move in rhythm with my body which was now undulating in a firm and solid slow dance. They sang on automatically, silent words ringing back and forth across my conscious mind, close within, nearby, while I slowly, ever so slowly, turned from my waist in the pattern of a Thailanese dancer, the familiar patterns I have been doing for over five years. I could feel the subtle wind in my fingers and arms, and they flowed together, apart, together, apart, together, up and down, slowly distinctly, as if following a harmony invisible to me. I have seen it a thousand times yet it is ever new. The rising softness stole through me and touched every cell awake and I seemed to be swimming in liquid euphoria. Ever so gently it rose, ever so naturally I moved, spontaneously and I exerted not an ounce of control. Only willingness to be so used. Totally at peace with myself, my mind was quiet and the words rang out....

"I am the light. I serve the light. I feel the light. I see the light..." and I did not initiate the words. They sprang into my awareness from somewhere deep and I was in accord with them. There was a high level of alertness to my mind, in a state of expectancy and wonder, tinged with devotion and I was in awe of this thing. How can it be that the world does not know of this phenomenon that occurs in me? I have never met anyone who knows what I am speaking of! Am I so rare? Miracle of miracles - there is a miracle that lives in me and no one knows. What is this thing?

As I raised my left foot I felt the energy ripple upwards through my waist, through the muscles into my shoulder, bringing my upper body to life, down and out my arm through my fingers. My thumbs and forefingers made a circle, my left hand bent and turned and pressed itself against my chest in the ancient symbol of the Buddha and his consorts. What is this thing? What is its meaning? Alertness crackled through me as if to say, "I know what I am doing, do not ask foolish questions!" And the movements continued on, my conscious mind following passively watching. My head bowed downward and upward as energy swirled in my brain making me light headed with a slight pressure at the crown.

My left foot slowly descended, critically testing the muscle capacity and planted itself firmly upon the floor in a precise position with the toes turned outward.. There was a flow from the floor a connection with the floor before the right leg and foot rose slowly in perfect balance, as if connected to a long line to the top of my head and the current flowed, poured down my right arm, doing its own motion separate from the other, and washed out my fingers, and these too made a circle of thumb and forefinger. The dance continued as the words flowed on, springing into my mind like a never-ending fountain...

"I am the light. I am the light. I am the light. I am the light. I serve the light. I love the light. I am the light. I love the light. I serve the light. I serve the light. I serve the light," and emotion rose in me. I really wanted to serve the light. I did not understand but I willed myself to it and desired to be part of it. I could feel the desire. I felt clean and whole, pure and fresh, and I knew that whatever this energy touched it would wash it clean instantly. I wanted to help and to be used by the energy and the love. The emotion began to ripple through me and grow larger and larger. Until now I was unemotional, floating in an impersonal feeling of euphoria, of bliss. Now there was a tender love, a desire to give and to caress and to lift up, and it began to pour out of me and as it poured out of me it was replaced by a deepening sense of awe and wonder and a deeper desire to give of myself. And I wondered - oh, how I wondered what this thing was and I asked, "Who are you, my Lord?"

Now, I must tell you that I am not a religious person in the sense of a formal religion. I do not go to church and I do not follow any religious ceremony. I cannot even follow my own program of meditation properly, never mind someone else's ritual. But this that lives in my body and mind is something beyond me and I am in awe of it. Although it has no identity, no name and I do not know what it is it is pure and exhilarating. I trust its intentions completely. As if in answer to the question, the words continued to ring out with the clear tones of a crystal bell:

"I am you and you are me. I am the stars. I am the sun. I am the earth. I am the soil. I am the worm. I am the plant. I am the bee. I am the bird, I am the tree, I am the moon, I am the sea, I am the sand, I am the night, I am the day, I am life, I am death...."

My body movements seemed to draw new life with each new word. Freshness poured into me as the words continued and I watched. I could feel the touch of the stars, the plant, the worm, the soil, the moon, the tree as these things, one by one, brushed across my consciousness. The words were clear: "I am the fish. I am the water. I am the thunder, I am the lightning, I am the rain, I am the rainbow," and I was indeed each of these in turn at that moment of time that the word was pronounced and as I swam in a heady sea of conscious delight - a consciousness that seemed to have no limits nor division but an endless sea of something indescribable, my heart was overflowing with a love that was at the same time, both natural and unnatural. Unnatural in that it was so intense, so pure, so completely happy and I was full of devotion.

My body danced in harmony with each attribute of nature - as the rain passed into my conscious mind, my body reflected the rain. My fingers soared and trembled and flickered as they moved downward and I became the rain. At the thought of the sun, there was a bursting outward of all things, and a radiation upon my face. Though I could not see my own face with my physical eyes, I could see in a way that I cannot describe, and for one brief moment I became the sun. I thought of the Hawaiian legends and the dancers and suddenly I knew how those legendary dances were born. My mind jumped to Thailand and the picture of the temple engravings on ancient stone walls and I knew where the inspiration came from. I knew so much and I saw the statues of the Hindu gods and goddesses immortalized in bronze, jade and gold, dancing for the glory of the greatest deity of all - that which has no name but which pervades all things and gives life, joy and intelligence and knowledge.

The words continued. "I am the past. I am the present. I am the future...." and for one brief moment I seemed to be able to see across the whole of eternity as the walls of my mind ceased to exist in a flash of realization. I saw that these three do not exist separately but are tied together in an infinite sea of living consciousness, supported by love.

The words bubbled on. "I am the poor, I am the rich, I am the wise, I am the stupid, I am the ugly, I am the beautiful, I am the evil, I am the good, I am the lame, I am the blind, I am the healthy, I am the humble, I am the proud, I am the weak, I am the strong, I am the low, I am the high. I am the man, I am the woman, I am the child. I am you and you are me...."

The words flowed like pure water out of an underground spring in the side of the mountain glistening with purity. Each word sprang forth alone and I neither controlled it nor saw it coming. It was there as it appeared and then it vanished as the next word arrived. In my awe I accepted it and allowed it to exist and finally my love could bear it no longer and I offered myself passionately. I responded, "I am your fingers. I am your hands. I am your eyes -- use me, my Lord. I am your tongue, I am your ears, I am your feet, I am your sexual organs, I am your legs, I am your body...."

Suddenly, I realized what I was saying, "I am the light. I am the body of the light. I am the temple of the light. I am body consciousness in this world - that's all I am. But I am cosmic consciousness in reality, beyond. I am the temple of the light. I am the tool, the instrument of life, and I was struck as if by lightening for I knew. Suddenly I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, what and who I am. 

I cannot express the depth of that realization. All I can say is that I knew for the space of several moments, a remarkable truth of what I really am and how it works. For that short period of time the grandeur was overwhelming. All thought stopped. All movement stopped. I knelt down on the carpet and quivered and shook with the power of that realization. Tears ran freely and unashamedly down my cheeks, for I could not contain it. The glory that I saw. I knew that it could not last. My mind is not big enough to hold it, and that thought began to close the door on the magnificence. Only the memory remained of an immense spatial consciousness of joy, of exhilaration, of being alive, of being - oh, where are the words? That I was part of a teeming oneness of love so pure, so indescribably pure and happy and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this is the real nature of life that mankind will eventually, one by one, evolve to, and I was given just a tiny little glimpse.

For a long time I knelt there remembering, and I could hear Bob talking on the telephone outside in the office. This is why each time I undertake a controlled exercise program, I fail. I have a serious problem from the standpoint of the world: I want to go with the wind in me. I don't want to control my life. This wind that draws me, pulls me like a magnet to yield to it. There is something already exercising in me that knows better than I which muscles to use, that is wiser than I, that is more intelligent than I, is sweeter, better, more abundant than I. It is richer, more perceptive, more powerful, more caring, more sure, more complete, than I, that is happier, healthier, more whole, that has more mercy, more love than I. Who am I to control that?


10/24/82 - Tiny streams entering the body from outside

A very good party last night. Mellow, sweet and happy. Everything flowed beautifully. Sunday I am into my movements out back, in the far left corner by the fence. I am suddenly aware of the light in the pelvic bowl and simultaneously of my whole body. I see the outer me like a dead shell enclosing a source of light in the pelvic region. The deadness is striking! The body is aging and dying. [44 years old] The brain, the eyes, the organs, arms, legs, the whole thing is only a casing. It was created merely to house the Force - the Presence. But, where is the force?

It is bubbling up from below, like a tiny light that is growing and spreading upwards. The body is dead, it cannot operate at all by itself. It is being generated from this light. I see the reason why people are confused.  I can see it! There are thousands of tiny streams - pinstripes - entering the body from outside. There is a stream of input from outside the body, from other sources. Sources other than the self.

Tiny, hair-like lines are entering the body through the skin, wending their way into the interior of the body, deeper and deeper, criss-crossing each other in tiny delicate patterns, weaving a complex web of artificial beliefs. Laying a garment over the Self, but a garment made of other people’s lives and beliefs. The real self who lives inside, the force, the presence, is being drowned out. What is this web that is woven into the very fabric of our bodies? Being absorbed into our blood streams and nerve centers? It is not light like the Light in the pelvic bowl, it is simply energy. Steadily, with relentless consistency and perseverance, outside influences pour into the body via these roadways, no thicker than a spider’s webbing.

Constantly, with hardly a break in the flow, those contrary ideas enter the Self and penetrate deeper and deeper til finally the light itself begins to look dull. The will of the individual allows it. The self, the holy presence of self located at the center of the body in the pelvic region, the home of instinct, the heart of individuality, is killed. I can see it. It looks like a battle. The inflowing streams of other people’s thoughts and ideas converging on the streamlets of light. The darker streams coming down from the head, the light streams coming up from the pelvic bowl, meeting, converging. Which is stronger?

In my case, the light is stronger. I am generating it every day, as I do my movements. And I do not answer the telephones, even for friends, except for an occasional purpose. I do not read the newspapers. I do not watch the news. I do not discuss world affairs with Bob. I do not involve myself with mundane activities of other people. I seldom leave the house except for a social affair. I am fairly well insulated from the confusions going on around us. But what of other people? How can they hope to overcome this constant pummeling from without?
Inpouring confusion, inpouring turmoil, inpouring dogmas, inpouring family beliefs, inpouring expectations, inpouring cultural patterns, inpouring political, economic, religious, philosophical views, inpouring news, inpouring TV shows, inpouring problems, EVERYTHING is inpouring! Versus - what? How much light is coming out? So little, I think. It is no wonder the people are confused. It was never meant to be this way.

The light in the center of the bowl is the Self - the real person. Individuality which is constantly on the march for expression, and constantly in battle with friends and family who would repress it. The enemy is in one’s own house: family, friends, work associates, and one’s own weak will. Freedom to be is no laughing matter, no obscure thing. It is the greatest pursuit of life: freedom. it means exactly that. I feel free even as I am insulated from the world. I am free to be me.

All of this mixed bag of potpourri has nothing - nothing! - to do with the self. It is like a dirty rag thrown over a radiant, crystal pure light. I see it! Indeed, it lays a dirty shadow over that radiance. Hiding the light under a bushel, the Presence of Selfhood within. I see it and I know how it works. Solution is to have a strong sense of self and a strong will to accomplish one’s personal desires. Don’t swerve from your personal course. Your personal course is your destiny, is freedom, is required. Stop talking and do something you want to do. Anything! I tell Bob - don’t talk any more about Bobby. Do something! So many people believe in the democratic way. That is fine for people who do not have any power. But for someone who wants to become free - it is not the way. Free to be is free to act - finally act.

That’s the light. Self is personal intuition, personal choice. It doesn’t pass through the brain. It radiates directly upward from the pelvic source. It passes through the nerves - at least in me it does - and my body perceives it before my brain. I feel it. It radiates directly form the pelvic source through the nervous system to the whole body. The whole body picks it up at the same time that the brain does - not before. The brain is not the initiator. It is the observer. The brain cannot initiate an intuitive feeling, nor a psychic experience, nor a revelation. It is felt all over and the brain observes. I sometimes see the brain observing. I stopped just now to look inward again. I let go, or give up, or step back, whichever the wording is, I release control of the body and then I feel the gentle movement of the force swaying through me, and the presence is there - like a unifying thing - pulling it all together. It is quite beautiful. I am trying to be objective. How I wish I could be more objective. And yet, perhaps I would lose the wonderful sensations I feel.

The chief number one argument is: “But it takes the brain to pick up the fact of movement. Without the brain, you would never perceive that you are moving.” And I disagree. The out-of-body experiences confirm that the Observer, the Intelligent Resident, the Self, continues to think, perceive, make decisions and choices, even when the brain is sleeping or even dead. Especially this is confirmed by those who clinically died and then decided to return, to reactivate the body. Finally, the day has arrived where we have some proof. Perhaps not proof as science would demand, but proof for beginning researchers to use as guide-finders. There is a larger Self which resides in the body. I AM that Self.


11/24/84 - Light-filled revelations

If you need to TRY, then it is wrong. It is not time to do it, for all good and proper things fall into place easily. Wait. Step back, make room for circumstance and bend the knee as it draws near. Never have I seen this truth in so immaculate a way as I did this morning while coming out of sleep. I did not SEE it so much as I experienced it for I seemed to be a part of the wide open space of conscious beauty and light. It seemed to flow physically in and around each and every cell in my body so as to bathe me in a wondrous sensation, not unlike the afterglow of orgasm. Wideness encompassed me, sweetness enveloped me, rhythm sang through me. And the Light! Again, as in other times, there were radiant pastel colors of light, colors of such refinement that I could barely discern the separation, as if they were one color, yet each was individually represented, and angels seemed to sing to the glory of this wholeness, this oneness. 

I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that nature exists in great harmony all over the earth and the heavens and the universe, in CONSCIOUS awareness of all that is going on, from the lowest to the highest, and that this conscious intelligence ties it all together in such a way that no one portion of life can move without the rest heaving under the influence of the action. And so the ideas that filter down to us from the grand mind behind it all, flow naturally downward and outward into manifestation, as a mountain stream falls under the influence of gravity when there are no obstructions. So the life of each man, each woman, each child falls outward into flower through circumstances beyond our control, blessed by the kiss of love. There is only one way to go and all urges motivate to move in that direction.
 
The light-filled revelation was so extraordinarily reasonable and connected, so soothing to my mind, that I was unprepared for the stricture that followed. For suddenly as I passed out of this immaculate state on my long journey to wakefulness, I passed through a hard place – a region in which undue pressure existed, and force was exerted upon this lovely stream of consciousness which was me. A force, manmade in its infinite “wisdom”, rushed to capture the heavenly spark but instead crushed the beauty and interrupted the flow that was nigh to flowering and instead of capturing it, drove it away. It is a shame when we do not wait for the grand scheme to blossom within us where we are, but pluck the bud from the tree before it is ripe, for these create the toxins of the world. With a little wiser instruction, we would prepare ourselves for peace and wait for maturity, for the easy flowing, the fragrant blossoming and the miracle flowering of the fruit within, and cease to press for action. If we would so so, there would be no room for error.
 
I saw then, as my mind contracted, swiftly as from a threshold looking back, how this marvelous sea of consciousness, myself a small but willing part, ebbs and flows continually through the hearts and minds of mankind everywhere, to feel the psychological hurts and the material needs of those it passes through, from one end of the universe to the other, and how it constantly redistributes the factors to lead one man here, a woman there, to open the floodgates of expansion. I saw that it is the greatest benefactor of my happiness, even more so than myself, whereas I am one and It is all, so all of my needs are provided – emotional, psychological, mental, physical and spiritual. I saw in the darkening sky of mind, a hint of the master plan, although this was fuzzy, that requires the togetherness of all of us and I saw us, each one, reaching out to try to touch each other, each in our own peculiar, odd way, to feel what the other is thinking, feeling, wanting, and that this too was part of the natural upward swing into wider consciousness.
 
Revelation after revelation kept squeezing into my consciousness as my eyes opened to the blue bedroom in which Bob and I sleep every night, and I saw, reflected in pale blue cotton sheets, that we are on the brink of realizing our spiritual heritage. We do not know that we are gods now, but soon, sooner than we know, some, even now in fact, as they read these words, are waking up, some in their silence even fully awake and aware of their brotherhood, their sisterhood to strangers and ones unseen, unknown. There is only one mind and that one mind, supreme over all, pumps through my brain. In fact my consciousness is ITS consciousness. My mind is ITS mind, a fiery mind, trying to wake up in flesh and blood. My hands are ITS hands, sparkling dynamic hands, visible only to my inner eye, clothed in clay trying to move inert matter. My feet are ITS feet light-filled with mercury fire attempting to walk in flesh and feel the moist grasses of the earth. And so it is with every other man and woman and their little ones who still retain the memory of their kingly state.
 
And so I conclude that there is nothing I can do to bring about a better world but not interfere with natural evolution and allow it to enter my world and defend its right – my right – to be. And so I bend and flow to natural circumstance, and embrace everything that comes to me with an embrace of love and acceptance so that none can escape my good wishes, and everything that touches me, leaves me with nobleness and the ring of higher things.
 
 
2/24/85 - Asking questions of my Higher Self
 
We are at a conference in the Hyatt Hotel, Orlando, FL. After a really good inner movement session outdoors for about an hour, and a deep sleep in the shade afterwards, I awoke with the urge to write. I dug out my pad of paper and pen from my briefcase nearby and moved to a lounge chair in a spot where the sun shone through the trees. I settled down feeling lofty and dreamy. My mind was blank and peaceful and I did not want to disturb it by forming forceful thoughts so I put a question almost dreamily on paper, after which the words came easily to my mind and slid down my arm and out the tip of my pen.
 
Question: Oh, Lord of Light, I am ready to receive. Where would you have me begin? My brother, my sister, I am thorough in my purpose. I propose to you that you start by meditating on me every hour for fifteen minutes at a time. This will lead you to me. I will then instruct you in the purposes of the light of God. You may practice and you may try to reach me at any moment in your life. I am here always. Never do I leave the world alone. I am yours to serve as you are mine. But I am faithful, you are not. Begin then. Come to me. Every hour on the hour and let us make plans together. 

We are one in Cause, one in purpose, one in God. I am truly yours. I am forever faithful to the Cause. Begin then to receive the spark of my love that you may pass it on to those in need. To those you feed you will draw to me, to Him who always cares. I am forever here. Forever shining in the stars of your own Earth, your planet’s waves of throes and heavals vast and wide. I hold the balance to the outer limits and beyond. Forever night and day. You see my face, you see my feet in all you ever meet. My toes are there upon the Earth, upon the waves, the mountains pure, the valleys sure, the inner heart, the outer part, I am, I am, I am, never more to leave.
 
The trees are good and safe for you. Come out and bask beneath their limbs, breathe their fragrance every day. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe all about the Earth and you will sweep it clean of karma old and dead. It’s simple, yes you know it is. It’s almost gone from you. And as you lift your eyes above the lower forces swirling round, you leap into the world of love, of finest purest kind. From here you breathe the breath of life to cast out spells forever. The mystery of creeds and yokes are flung aside forever. The radiance of reality is here and now and tested by the warriors of the Lord and never shall be bested by the lords of outer war - they cannot ride the waves of this the might armor bright swelling like a wave from out the Sun of Holy Thought, innocence protected, pure and sweet and fragrant to the sense of the pure, the living garden spot of faith, the well-spring of the latent power of the Sons and Daughters of the Highest, Holy Cloud of peace and light, enter in forever.
 
I am light, shining bright, Father Mother God of Right
Choices leave like a breeze when’er I burst upon the scene
Emerging from within without, casting perfect love about
 
(I \got caught up in a rather exquisite poem here and inserted my own thoughts and got bogged down so I threw it out. But the message was clear to me - It had to do with the fact that when we give ourselves up to the Light all forms of burden leave. There is such a vacuum of trouble, that there is not even left the human problem of making choices, for everything is taken care of in a cloud of great peace. Everything. THIS was so impossible to state in human terms that it came through as rhythm.)
 
Q: I am sorry for the interruption. Please tell me some more. The moon, the stars are in the sky, you on Earth are in my eye. I project you outwardly to shine upon all you see. The rays you represent are glistening, clean, as a raindrop in the air preens in the sunlight sharp and clear, and moves on top of the atmosphere. Open your mind to me, dear one, I will show you the way to the Sun. Do you know how well you perceive me now? I am sitting here with you in your chair. I am your hand, your nervous system, too. I am spreading outward into view. Adjust your vision, open your eyes, look up and outward into the skies. Quietly, soothingly find your space, ask for and you will receive my grace. Finally, tell me your deepest fears, write them down through your veil of tears. Never expect the world outside to comprehend the inner side. This is too subtle for it to enjoy. The hour is passing - come in to me now.
 
(I had been sitting on a lounge chair outside in the courtyard away from the other people. I went inside the room and sat in a chair at the little round table and opened the glass door to let some air in. I wrote my question:)
 
Q: Dear Lord of Light, I feel your presence. What would you have me do? Quality unlike lethargy, is fast and moving. I would have you move about more quickly. When you have gained some speed in your actions, I will come through easier. I will slide down the tube of your extended thought slippery as the rainbow gliding down the curve of the Earth. There is much to do and much to say. You will be able to carry your thought, my thought, more firmly when you are active. Groom yourself, not for meditation but for action. (I thought, “Helping Bob?”) Yes, perform Bob’s work for him. He needs you. He, too, is working for me so as you work for him you work for me. There is no separation from where I sit. I see the whole. You and Bob are both creating an excellent avenue for me to work through.

(I thought, “Through sex?”) (Pause) The word sex does not have meaning for me. It is merely a connection with other bodies. As I have told you, the outer world is of no concern to me, nor to the work as it is existing in light. You see, the outer world is a dry, cakey substance, unable to carry the subtler refinements. You have prepared your mind and soul above and beyond the outer manifestation, so your body and what it does is not relevant to the inner cause. Continue your life actions, do not separate out or change what you are doing. Perform your functions as they arise and do not impose limitations on yourself. Become unlimited by any thought, moral or otherwise. Continue your housework, continue your writing, continue talking with Bob. He is opening doors which you in your dry, cakey, outer body, cannot see. His doors are, like yours, open to higher images, higher and more subtle thoughts. What you must do to remain close in outer manifestation, do quickly and without anger. Do not spend so much time on it. I will guide you, help you, move you, antagonize you so that you help me. I want you to help me. I love you, as all of life. I am a manifestation of that love. All that is important to me is love - and peace which results from loving uninhibited. That is the peace that passes all earthly understanding. It is a love that is known only to those who renounce the world in the sense that they transcend the world.
 
When you do not care any longer whether this or that is done, or this or that sees you, you own this or that, when all that occurs occurs without emotion rippling across your subtler bodies then you are indeed a renunciate, no matter where you live. I have many renunciates scattered throughout the world. They do not necessarily live in ashrams or holy orders. They are, by far, more useful to me if they live in the world among the unenlightened. As you noticed and caught my hint, when you breathe outwardly as you walk among the natives, you cleanse their atmosphere, for it is MY breath you are exhaling, my fragrance you are distributing, my knowledge, and it is working even now in the courtyard which you just left. I am the follower, in turn, of one mightier in power and purity, knowledge and perception, and so the lineage grows upward like a tree of life, a tree of light whose limbs extend downward and upward and whose central channel is One, allowing the flow of life to extend deep into the hearts of darkness and to perform awakenings of memory, memories long forgotten and closed. Now I detect some questions
 
Q: Are you really a conscious being, near me now, conscious of me? Really me as an individual? I have a hard time thinking that. (Laughter, hard shaking movements, peels of happiness rippled through me at this so that I had to lay down my pen and feel that indeed another entity were enjoying something right here inside of me to which I was not privy.  But I insisted on knowing and continued.....)  

But how, if you’re aware of the universe? In my outer conscious I forget, am not reminded so I don’t think you are there. Please fill me in! (Long pause. I could feel thinking processes going on. Finally....)  I AM you! I laugh out of ecstasy! You do not need to understand. You need merely to live. Allow me to live in you. The love you profess for me, is my own love for myself. You and I are One Person. We are never separated. The only separation that ever occurs is when you doubt. When you shut off. When you refuse your very own life, feelings, perceptions, your candor, your frankness, your toughness, your reality. When you do not follow the impulses that throb and probe and rush through your mind, when you forsake these in favor, out of “niceness”, of those others who live around you - THIS is separation from Me. From Yourself. From God and the Universe which is the wellspring of all action.
 
Try! Try to understand - I am you. When you grow lethargic, your body sleeps and the real you, the real me is left out, imprisoned, locked out, locked away from your consciousness in the physical manifestation called “body”. Sleep and sleep a healthy sleep. Then when you awake you are alive in the physical world once more. The real you, the real me is EVER active and your body must be awake and healthy for your outer mind to perceive this aliveness. So long as you have a physical body, you must needs tend it, maintain it in a healthy manner with healthy habits so that you can bring this aliveness to the surface. So you can see for yourself just how alive your real self is. Prove it for yourself. And you will be doing all that you are destined to do. The healing work is never done so long as there is a physical abode. For the physical world is a sickness in itself. It is a crust, a hardening of the arteries of God.
 
We in our domain can see with great sadness how deeply entrenched is this sickness. But we do not linger on the thought of the sickness. Rather, we look to the food, absorb the faculties, the qualities that are ever beyond. Look up, not down. Look to the sun. Look, at night, to the moon and the stars. Draw your strength, your vision, your hope, your life blood, from those above you, by no matter what name. You have been blessed with the implanting of a vision. Hence, you know where to look, but there are many, many others who have not the slightest idea where to look.  Their vision has dimmed and dried and faded and so they have lost the hope. Where there is no hope the only avenue is outward to others like themselves. They compete and measure their actions, it is the only way that they know.
 
And so, the need for healing. The need for putting these truths on paper and here a thought you had a few minutes ago: Yes, your mind must be blank. Don’t try to change my words. This form of writing should remain pure. When you sit down to compose your book, your articles, then you may change and re-arrange. That is a form of writing which we need also, it is adapted to conform to your outer world. And so it is true and good, but translated so to speak for others less enlightened with the inner vision. This form of writing (or speaking should the occasion arise) is given direct. Don’t change it.
 
Q: What about the tapes I want to do and the Summit Lighthouse teachings. May I, should I, translate them to ordinary outer world? There will come a time for you to busy yourself with this project. It is a good one. The time is not here for this. You have more immediate concerns. (What? I thought.) Bob’s book is an important book. Sustain him. Breathe! Be! Care! Help him! I am here, too. (What about my book? I thought.) Here, too, the time will come. Do not hurry into this. I would prefer that you help Bob right now. You have asked for him to stay and it has been granted although the time had come for him to leave you. Now that he is staying nearby, with love, with confusions as many as he has, we have decided to use him. Now he is doing the service that should have been done initially when the Earth was first formed. The tender regards that you have given him have opened him to serve in a way he could not have served before. Allow him to join the order of Light and he will turn and help you.
 

1/23/86 - Messages from my higher self 

[This is a question and answer session. After three weeks of hectic living in Costa Rica, I did a half hour of meditation and asked my Higher Self the question "Dear Lord of Light, am I OK? What would you have me do?} 

Wonder full sister I am you. Continue as you were. Find your space, accept my grace for I give it unto you. Feelings rare, power fair, generations come and gone do not release the fair increase of wonder in their souls. Do you have questions dear one, or do you wish the solitude of my love?

(Me: I am sitting here, at first put out at having to move, but now feeling the radiation spreading throughout my body. It is growing increasingly stronger by the second. How I do love you and my/our connection! Please speak to me about the radiation I feel!?

Ten thousand souls would stand before my gaze and only one would sense what you are feeling now. The tender melting of hardness is the tendering of hardness - the crust that you permit to be built around you. Each cell, each particle of space that you affect is affected by your thought. Your immediate body is first to feel the crust of coagulated thought for you live within the spaces betwixt the center and the orbiting electrons. You are the Creator of their worlds and your benediction soothes their vibrating bodies, your anger churns them into a vibrating mass of shock-filled wanting mass. Can you understand? Can you place yourself with me into this inner world that you carry around with you as you move? (Yes I can understand)
 
When you take your place in the sun as you did a while ago, you turned those tiny worlds over to me. As I stepped through the veil of your focus, I stepped in with the power of love in my hands and in my heart, I stepped in to bring you peace. The radiation that you feel just now is my loving uninhibited by your actions and thought. I would give you this more often but you would have it not. (Why?)
 
For months I have been prompting you with the proper way to go, your patterned past is still at work stopping much of the flow. Keep pressing on, do not give up, press the hardness out with love, tenderness is God’s own grace descending like a dove. Soft and sweet and easy, beautiful to behold, the gracious gift is the gift that is given without a thought to hold. Freedom is the facing of the sun, the acceptance of goodness and purity. Those who cannot accept that which is good in their lives are not free. Are trapped in the maze of a finite world. You want to ask me about the wonder that you and I shared, you saw only a glimpse of our love upon awaking this morning. There is more to come. Open your mind dear one, I am having a hard time coming through. Yes, that is better.
 
Now, I am here with you at all times but you do not sense me because you are focusing on your outer world tasks. Do not misunderstand what I told you: to continue with your work. I do not mean for you to concentrate so hard! Let your vision lift to a higher plane as you work. Your thoughts are becoming too focused, too narrow, like a microscope focusing on a plate beneath its powerful gaze. Your world is one world - all that is in it is affected by your focus or by your freedom, by whichever thought and intensity that you assume. Would you not like to free your world? Yourself and your associates? Then free your mind from a too intense focus on one thing, one job. A job to do is but a minor act to perform in the maintenance of the whole. Your friends, your husband, your sons, your group, your very own grass and flowers and plants - these too must be cared for, not brushed aside for your work at your desk. Please - balance your focus, balance your vision, soothe your vibrating flesh. I cannot enter a place, a space that has become jagged with cross-currents of energy. Re-align your energies that you may feel whole again.
 
My beloved, my peace is hard to receive in your physical plane. All is against it. Those who have been able to receive me, have removed themselves from exposure to the world’s influence. Yet, your world is against such removal and thus there are few who even try to find me. I am walking the cities streets with you. I am walking the isles of the offices, the investment houses, the stores and the many places of business. I am present in EVERY home - none escapes my presence, my longing, my love - and yet who hears my voice? How many stop and lift their vision to seek the peace I hold out to them in the palms - both palms of my hand? Can you not feel my devotion? My love I yearn to give so you?
 
I do not ask you to give up all that you have worked for in this world of yours. I ask only that you give a nod of recognition as you pass, a quick raising of your mind to look up to find me before you continue on your frenetic pace. For so long as you remember that I am there I can reach you with my gladness and pass it on to you. It takes but a thought - a dart of love in my direction, for you to receive a thousand-fold of joy in return. I would fill your heart with renewed hope if you would remember me.
 
Change your goals, my friend. Make your goal one of the attributes, such as the permanent fixture of love in your heart, rather than the accomplishing of a task. To get the job done through all sacrifice, by any means, is not the way to perfect peace but to dissatisfaction. The separation from me is a beginning of more separation to follow. The gap between you and I grows further and deeper as long as you continue in this direction.
 
Prepare yourself for beautiful experience - approach all you do with an eye to finer return, not poorer. Glean from your tasks all of the goodness that you can. Remove all thoughts of malice and resentment, no matter what the task, and you will be preparing a place for me for I yearn to come - to be at one with you.
 
Open your heart, dear one, to find me. I am here. I am come as I have always been, to greet you into the heavens of your own being. The majesty and nobility, the courage and the frankness of heroes which you seek in story book form - all of these are yours to have and to assume as a royal mantel tossed over your shoulders upon arrival in this hallowed hall.
 
Ancient lines of royalty - the aristocracy of kings upon your world is but a shadowed remnant of a glory that belongs to the sons and daughters of every faith. The royalty today is but a facade, empty and forlorn within, yet the royalty of a heart in love is found in the shining aura of every man, woman and child who roams the cities and the countryside of every nation on your globe which turns in peaceful orbit, hung suspended in the skies of God’s own world which none but He may see. And when the heart is lightened from within the covered breast, no man on earth can hide the glow that speeds its way to rest within the ranks of the holy ones who watch and note the hour of this the smallest spark of Life that trembles in the power of Holy innocence - purity of God - for love no matter what its aim is love in its finest form.
 
My dear one, I see the glow within your own small breast. Tiny form so focused on the task upon your desk - yet the spark of utter love is speeding even now to find its mark within the dark to send its message home!

(Me:) I am sorry for the interruption. Thank you for your words. Yes, you spark so much love in me. I hear you and respond. Please tell me - you answered the first question I had prepared: Why do I have to go through such frenetic cycles without respite? Am I following your wishes when these times happen? Or am I creating these cycles myself? Am I paying off karma? The work has to be done! Can you enlightenme so I understand?
  
"Quality, unlike lethargy, is fast and moving. When you move about more quickly I will come through faster and easier." These were the words which struck closest to home. You have chosen to use these words as your motivating force to accomplish the tasks at hand. Now, let us move on to the second part of the lesson, for you have learned well. You have done what I have told you to do. Now, let us refine your focus of keeping on keeping on. This, as you have felt in your recent cycle of frenetic action, brings a certain amount of satisfaction of goals accomplished. Satisfaction is a sign that you are doing what is right for you. There is a quickening of the soul that takes place when you continue in the face of hardship. It is the polishing of the gem, the burnishing in the fire. All of life however is not to be concluded in the fire of hardship. There are higher, more advanced stages awaiting you. The lower grades must first be taken and covered well, else you must return and repeat the same lesson.
 
What you are now facing ahead of you is the refinement of ceaseless movement. As Emerson has told you, “Let your feet run, but not your mind.” You have practiced keeping your body in motion, throwing off an inherent lethargy within your genes, and now you must learn to let your legs and arms move at this more rapid pace, yet while your mind remains at peace. Quality is a finesse and a jewel of finest essence. No matter in what form such quality appears. Within the heart of quality is great confidence and love of self which cannot be shaken by outer conditions. Quality is now your goal. Achieve fast moving action with a peaceful and stable mind, open at all times to me, and you will begin to enjoy your life work in greater capacity than ever before.
 
You are evolving your body to faster momentum and your mind to slower momentum. When they merge, a spark will ignite to fuse the two and you will never more experience the pain of separation from me. Then it is that you will be able to carry your infinity, your immortality into physical manifestation. That which you glimpsed upon awakening this morning is your own high estate. It is the estate that we have builded together. It is yours and all that is within it. Your own spacious mountains and valleys upon the Earth are but shadows - silhouettes - against the light compared to this light-endowed terrain which cannot be seen with human eyes.
 
Yes, this is yours and no man or woman can enter lest he or she first remove the shoes from off their feet, the human garments from off their backs, for they must stand naked in the sun where every flaw is seen to be whole once more. The gallantry of the higher ones are waiting to show you the many qualities and colors that are implicit and inherent in your makeup. Each one is a teacher of another color, another view. No two views are alike, hence the infinite boundaries, no space, yet all space. Your thought is the magic carpet to carry you into this inner retreat where love is royalty and there is no room for any other.


10/1/86 - Q & A with my Higher Self

I call thee oh my Lord of Light and Love, my greater Self. Tell me please, was it you my higher self who began the swirling of the Light of the chakras in my body this morning? I believe it went a long way to accomplishing the elusive “peace”. I am constantly trying to find it, now that I have experienced it. Was it you? And should I initiate these exercises on my own? I mean, should I do it with my mind? Or should I leave it up to you? To the force beyond my mind? Should I continue to do the swirling as an exercise? I am sorry to harp on this but I am curious about the wonderful feelings that came? And should I begin with the lowest chakra and swirl it? And does it automatically start the next chakra to spinning above it? And once that starts spinning, ignite the next? And the next? Why did it jump from pelvis to heart to throat? Jumping over the solar plexus?
 
"We are always here in your lower regions. Do you not feel the whole? Can you tell where we leave off and you begin? Tell us your deepest fears and we will tell you the answer to your quest. Tell us, come and sit in peace. Do you forget the schedule? Perhaps you are not ready to carry on with the plan. My friend, the magnification of soul journey into conscious eyes is the multiplitude of the whole. Continue as you were. I am ready.
 
Q: Why can I not receive an answer to my question on the chakras? Are you not permitted to say?
 
"Yes, my friend. I am permitted to tell you the truth of your being for you and I are one. But because such time has lapsed since we have attempted to communicate by writing, our channels need clearing. We are not bonded as you put it, well on the physical plane of matter. Your arm and fingers are the channel for automatic writing and thus you must exercise your instruments on a daily basis. The dust accumulates in both nerve channels and cellular tissues to distort the truth of the message coming in. There! That is better. And you can feel the clearing taking place, can you not? Practice my friend, or you will lose the connection with me for this writing purpose.
 
“The connection of my mind to your mind is eternally bonded. There is no danger of losing this connection with me. But this communication takes place from mind to mind and back again, without the need of the physical instrument. It is taking place on higher planes or frequencies, just as the bands of your radio and television are set to conform to higher and lower frequencies.
 
“Now to set the record of our talk to paper, we must have an instrument made clear and free of static to properly record the most subtle and delicate nuances of our conversation. The instrument which is your body, offered to us to use for purposes of the light on earth, must be tuned and kept tuned so that the notes of our sound may register without fail, without distortion. Now we are practicing. You are receiving AND recording, whereas you have been merely receiving all these many months and years. The proper measurement of the truth of what I say is your own inner sense of my voice. You are feeling the clearing of the channels are you not? You have become dusty from disuse. You will clarify your purpose better as you sit each day and write with me, for we both are involved. Both your lower self, focused only on your immediate world which has defined parameters (defined by you, not by us) and is therefore limited, and your higher self which has no parameters but which is connected to the sea of the One Great Self without which you could not live.

"We are, my Beloved, One in truth! One body, loving, laughing, playing, fighting for independence, yearning for dependence, hating the roll-call every morning yet needing to be a part of the whole. The small independent self, versus the large self, dependent and congruently one with all that is. You are coming into understanding of this “All That Is” as you record our communication on paper. By defining our words together in the privacy of our melded hearts, you are delivering the truth of ALL selves to your world so that ALL who read your message will be confirmed and heightened in their private hearts, so that they too will listen more intently to their Greater Selves, One with you and I, yet still private, sacred and alone as you and I shall ever be – yet we shall enlarge our perceptions of the Whole where Love and Joy and Peace and a quickened heart and mind come together and rejoice in the congruency and harmony of it all!
 
“My Beloved, now that you have agreed to sit down and talk to me on paper I can give you further advice, for until you have committed to our destiny together, you were not a proper channel. Your fears took hold and stultified your nervous system thus the confusion and heaviness that you have experienced over the last few weeks. Yes, the flu was present but it was not the flu virus that caused the heaviness, it was merely an effect of your slow deterioration of your world of livingness.
 
“Why you began to withdraw, my beloved, is the curse of mankind, as ALL are affected by this powerful motivation – the motivation that you must constantly be active mentally and physically. That is the curse brought upon each one who removes himself from the father’s embrace, for once removed, shut off from the Whole, then the fires begin to go out. Fading fires must be blown upon, agitated, to keep the burning coals alive. Force is used and the two opposites as they interact in stormy fights and wars keeps the fire alive – it is not allowed to die. Yet there is another way, for when you are part of a Whole that never dies, that is eternal in its making, you may rest within the Arms of this Mighty One – the Father of all Life, indeed the Giver of all blessings and joy.
 
“You need not work! Live! Live by the power of the consciousness within you, and it will carry you like a mighty current flowing to the endless seashore that surrounds and encircles the sea: Infinity. The shores of infinity are endless yet they go round and round and round in the same circle, circling once, circling twice, circling three times, the soul continues to circle because he is under the belief that he must focus on his tasks and keep with all his might the mighty Infinity at bay. Beyond his reach is his Infinity, his endless joy, his profound blessings and the bottomless wellspring of Love that he searches for along the seashore but his nose is too close to the sand and he does not jump into the sea, into the bosom of his Lord and Master – the One who made him and empowered him with Life.
 
“And so I say to you: It is your propensity to put off our communication in favor of completing your worldly tasks that has cost you this time and could well have cost you our connection, for it could have dried up and withered away. Now you are back in the privacy of your own room where you and I are best able to record, and once more you are practicing the bringing forth of the truth of our relationship, that are ALL relationships of ALL people with their own higher selves, to the test. Now, you may ask about the chakras.
 
Q: What DID happen this morning with the swirling of the chakras?
 
“It is but another opening into your higher Self, where physical body gives way to the higher octaves of being. Here the energies of Spirit are constantly active and moving from speed to speed and color to color, whirling here, bending there, radiating, propelling, in-folding, out-pouring. As you have already noted on your new toy, the biofeedback monitor, your energies are ever fluctuating, ever moving, influenced by your thoughts your moods and by your very breathing and heartbeat. You will gain a greater appreciation of the energies of Spirit through the practice of this little machine that fits into one hand.
 
“The swirling of the chakras was a divinely intended plan to cross your boundaries of focus and gear you in to your infinite Self. To overlap the gap, to mend the division and bring wholeness to your being. Do not question your gifts from on high, they need no explanation. Rather, when such wonders sail into view, jump with all your might into the deeper waters of your being and look up, my friend, look up, for wonders are once more shining in the heavens of your physical world and you are standing on the brink of a chasm that will momentarily dip but then, and again, soar upwards to new heights, new summits and new dimensions where your footprint has never been seen before! Wonders of wonders! Lights in the sky are messages from the Infinite fields of your own Inner Being, sparks given off from the contact of self with Self. Fear not, my friend, the confusion. Fear not, the momentary despair. Carry yourself in the memory of Life through the dark places for they will not last. The darkness is but the moat laid around the castle of Home-coming and Light – to keep away the unwanted, made unwanted by their own lack of courage, their own lack of conviction, their own lack of faith in themselves. For if you have the conviction that you are the God of your being, as truly you are, then you may enter the blackest of forests and a Light shall show you the way. The Light that is your own God Self, divinely inspired, divinely moved, divinely connected with no limitations, ever or forever. Amen. I am Truly yours to serve.”
 

10/2/86 - Holiness is abstract until you make your mark on the world

After meditation one hour, I called on Mother Kundalini: "I call unto my higher Self today - Can you, will you teach me? I am open." A strong current issued forth like flames from the palms of my hands.
 
"Call me thou lovely sister and I come. When you indulge me my whim of movement, I am entering into the world of men. To teach the ways of the spirit within. Many worlds enfold within your consciousness to tug and pull upon your mind, but I would show you to the heart where no conflicts are evident – all is at peace. Find time to come with me every day for these extraneous worlds would sway your energies from the center pole to gather speed in their convolutions which are their worlds. The increase of vibrations in your mind that occurs on your waking hour is proof that many planes of thought, each with their own elaborate order and reasoning, are invading your consciousness and overlapping your space in which you move and struggle to find your own peace.
 
"The wonder that is you is an exquisite light, do not give way to the temptation to consider all Life One so soon, my friend. All Life is an actuality in the mind of God, but all Life is created in the myriad of individual Life Streams that are each one unique. Care for your uniqueness. It is given to you to tend exclusive from all others that you see around you. When you come in to Me and give Me your attention over and above the others who pull and call upon you, then you are nurturing your hidden Self – the Holy One within, whom you cannot know til you absorb Him into your Life and Actions.
 
"The abstract theories of thy Holiness are abstract until you call it home to Earth, to pervade the matter realm as you have chosen to do. To continue to make your mark on the world of concreate evidence, you must move in and out, carry the outer inner to me, and the inner outer for all to see. You are mending the tear in creation by so moving, the wound caused by the separation from the Father God – the Whole. Your movements are psychically motivated, moved and induced by the energies of your whole being, which you call the psyche and tend to obstruct the peaceful one at the center. There is no place, no extreme, no stance, mood or thing that can keep you from entering that Heaven within whenever you so will it. You are practicing this entry in your taking of TIME away from your busy focus, creating a TIME in your physical world for the infinite Self to co-exist, side by side, soon to be One, with you.
 
"My Beloved, Earth is a miracle of wonders confined to a sphere of evolving matter. Budding out from the planes of Spirit and sounds of Love, is the far-reaching, far-meaning Lights of Vision induced by the radiating, over-whelming essence of Love-Light and Color-Sound. Take time, my friend, to converse with the planet of matter in the world of Light. Carry your heart to the innermost being of whiteness, brightness and purity. Condemn no man, no woman, for their sought-after needs, but give to all who seek thee, the bread and the drink that I AM giving unto thee. Thou art one, my sister, with thy people. Embrace them as your own and sing to them the song that is especially yours to sing, for they await the striking of this particular note upon the matter sphere.
 
"Deep within the recess of each one’s private being, there glows a responding note waiting for the call. They too are hiding behind the mask of personal self, the universal heart too big, too strong, to allow yet its freedom for the world in which you live is too small to keep on course when the dam bursts and the waters of  Heaven begin to flow. And so your work is pre-planned and waits for you, awaits you boldness and your coming forth to kill and slay the petty self, dear one, he who cannot sustain the cycling from on High, who cuts himself off from the Highest One."


10/15/86 - Kundalini and the glow in the pelvis

This morning over breakfast a voice in my mind began dictating. I take paper and pen and write: 

"On expectation. Expectation is the gremlin in the works of a person who would be free but is bound yet to the slave machine. In the wee small hours of the dawn of consciousness, when the night of sleep is over and daybreak is blossoming in the bosom of the mind, we hear the bells of thought begin to stir. All around us the air is shaken by the voice of expectation. The one within who has no name and does not stir, watches and detects the motion and waits to see the avenue to be taken. Which way will this outer slave go today? Will he jangle his chains in the same manner as he moves out of bed to the bathroom? Will he drag his heavy feet across the carpet placing them into the same mold as yesterday? Will he more firmly cement his image upon his environment in the identical fashion of the past? Or will he try to change? Does the one within have access to the mind so far away?"
 
On kundalini. In my room today I was told, “Don’t speak so much about the process of kundalini. It is only for those who are undergoing the process themselves. Only they will understand. The kundalini is a specialty science for the advanced. Instead, use the benefits that kundalini has given to you, broader vision, better counsel, the ability to see the whole. It is THAT which you should give to those who seek counsel, not the workings of kundalini as such. Can you understand? When you take your car to the garage for mechanical work to be done, you do not want a detailed explanation of the problem and the process of repair. You want only that the professional should make the vehicle well again. His training has placed him in a position to treat certain needs. In the same manner YOUR training enables you to treat the needs of the person seeking a wholeness. Do not forget the wholeness that kundalini has provided for you. Pass this along, not the parts. It requires but a stepping back, a relinquishing of focus, and a broadening of vision so that the horizon stays always within the eye. There is an understanding that kundalini’s arousal has given you. It is THAT which you should give to those who seek your counsel. Not an explanation of the workings, but the glow of the whole. Can you understand?" 
 
On the power in the pelvis. I am breathing deep as always, down into my abdomen to where the glow of life is apparent. Breathing in I feel the radiance descending to the pelvic bowl, and when I breathe out I feel the radiance ascending in a straight line to the top of my head and beyond. Inhale, I go down, exhale I go up and out. And I am suddenly, for the first time, conscious that I am expanding and enlarging the glow at the center of my body so that it is distributed all over, through the nerves and the pranic channels, in manners I do not understand technically but I know the energy, the glow, is expanding, expanding, filtering in and around and through my body cells and parts and into every crevice like water seeking to fill a balloon with many air pockets. It is pressing in and pressing in and pressing in, this glow, and blowing up and blowing out the - what? - the stuff that is not me. Anything that is not me, that is not of my making, that is not meant to be in me, is being blown out and the more I take time out of the shuffling, sluggish crawl through the day, the more I clean and sweep my inner house and blow up the transparent bubble that is truly me - clean and whole and pure with no taint from the outer world.

I am meant to radiate that which I am. What I am truly. Not what others think I am, and not what others want me to be and not what I think I am either. But what I am truly which I do not even know myself. That is not something I can define because I don't know what it is. I can only live and allow it to come into being. Then and only then will I know who I am. I see this process taking place as I breathe in and go down, and breathe out and go up, in and down, out and up, and I release. The movement is important.  I am not consciously making this movement happen. It is happening by itself. I am the movement. I am filling up the physical and I am emptying the physical. Where am I going? I am going up above my head to a new place, as if the preparation of a new place is being paved as I go over it, over and over and over and over, up and down, up and down. Funny that I should only be conscious of this movement today.
 
I have seen this place above my head before in vision form, but I was prevented from going beyond the crown at that time. It was blocked to me. It was several years ago that I saw the glow in the pelvis and two lines of energy, one female, one male, each wiggling and wobbling back and forth up and around the central column to the top of the head but when they reached the top, the crown, they couldn't go further until they had returned down to their base, their home, their mother and retrieved her, this wonderful glow, and carried her, too, up with them to the top. At that time, the crown of my head was closed to passage but I could see that a whole new base was there, a new womb, like a nest - literally, it looked like a bird’s nest -  a place where something new would be born. Now I seem to have penetrated the block. I am breathing easily in and out through the top of my head. I was not really aware until today about what it was that I was doing, but I am floating through the crown.

The nest is no longer there, but now I see a new person there, a larger person of finer material that is being woven into solidarity. This is strange! I have seen such beings before, but now I am weaving one myself?! It is as though I am creating a new body superimposed over the more solid earth body and that I am testing this body and spending a little time in it each day as though preparing it for future habitation. As I write these words I am aware of how remarkable the process is and how strange it must sound, and yet it feels right and true. But further, I also see that the glow in my pelvis is to become a total glow from head to foot and that when this happens I will move into the larger body and THIS physical body-turned-glow will become the new base, the new pelvic region, the new center for the new body. I seem to have to create a total glow first in this body before I can move into the next. There is a process going on that is totally new to me.
 

10/16/86 - One need not be humble, allow largeness to take place

One need not be humble. I have been trying to be humble and hear others speak of how hard it is to be humble. A dear friend told me she shut off her inner power years and years ago, when she was a teenager because she felt “larger” and “better” than others. I think this is natural and good and to be expected. And accepted. One need not be humble to other people. The growth process requires a certain growth in stature, in predominance, and grace. A largeness DOES take place and an awareness of being better DOES occur – better than the former condition but not better than other people. It is OK to feel better and to feel good. It is OK to overwhelm others if the presence is testing its wings. It is OK to soar. It is OK to lift off in the company of others who remain rooted to the earth. It is OK to float skyward and to hold the head with majesty and nobility. It is OK to be royal and to FEEL royal. It is OK. It is OK.
 
And when others try to pull you down, let your royalty take command for true royalty cannot be pulled down. It is the test. It is the test that comes after every awakening. Is it really true? How can one know if one does not try out one’s wings? Remain in flight and glide above the churnings. Thou art holy and thy wholeness shall carry thee to the places of thy retreat, even amidst the crowd. The wonders of heaven are not far off in other worlds. They are sparkling on and off to signal thee, to call thee out of the confusion and venture forth into the realms of the gods, where angels serve in the dining hall and hold the lamps as processions of light move in and out and round about the tables overflowing with abundance and good will, nodding heads glinting awareness, coming together and parting. The company of saints do the work laid out for each from the beginning. This is yours – do not forsake thy homage.


10/26/86 - The power is given into the pelvic region
 
In meditation today, I saw the rod that is “like unto a man, or a woman“. The power is given to the human into the pelvic region, the center, a glow, a tiny glow at the base of the rod, glowing brighter and brighter and brighter. And then another glow above in the head, and above the head, the spiritual nature of man and woman, the higher divine self, the monad. There has been a separation, this light of man. A piece has been sent downward into the dimensions of physical matter and encased and enclosed in, round about with matter and the higher self is trying quite desperately to reach the lower light - the mother light hidden within the soil of matter.

Oh, how clearly I saw this! I have seen it over and over and over, each time with a new beauty and a new spaciousness. It is here now, this light, glowing here in the pelvis and it is up to each man, each woman, to fill in the vacuum and empty spaces in between the lower light and the higher. There is naturally confusion because we are fluctuating between the lower physical consciousness and the higher spiritual consciousness where we know all things and then we lose it and fall downward into the heavy dense condition again. Only to rise once more in moments of ecstasy and inspiration and in those heights we wonder why we were confused. The wild fluctuations are the polarities shifting, first below, then above, then below again. As I saw it, we look like a tube of light, a neon tube, hollow and empty in the middle, with the glows only on either end, first one end, then the other, always glowing on the ends but never in the middle?! 

It is in the middle that we must fill in. We must fill it in with our awareness, with our consciousness. The middle is where we put our attention into daily life and actions, here and now. We have to blend the higher and the lower light and make it all livable and available to us every day as we walk and talk with our neighbors and do our tasks. This is the middle. We must bring the light to the middle. We have to bring our physical consciousness which is divine and glowing, up to our higher consciousness which is divine and glowing, and bring our higher consciousness down low to fill in the gap in the middle with the divine glow. Oh, how beautiful is this reality. I love it! 


10/28/86 - A walk with my higher self among the stars

Sitting at desk writing. The window is open, it was rainy today, clear and calm now. I just read the last entry of 10/1/86 and I am impressed. I am sorry, I regret not taking time more often to write. I DO put it off. And I am reprimanded rightly so. Thy words, My Lord (my Law), are beautiful and true. And I would like to continue with our relationship through writing. May we proceed? I am feeling good since the gym. I do not feel the need for meditation – maybe meditation is a mechanism needed in lieu of working with you in daily life. Tonight I felt so lucid, clear-minded. I love that feeling! Is it you coming together with me, adding the largeness of my Higher Self to my smallness? I am yours to use for purposes of the Light. I offer myself to the Light, to the Law of Oneness and my arm aches to write! I love thee! Oh how I  love thee!
 
“Enter my space, dear One, for I am here, casting my eye over your wholeness within. No part do I see that is dwelling in fear, all is acute and alert to the positive action of Life! Move in freedom now and come boldly over the threshold. Here – take my hand. Yes, that is the way, and come! Come with me and I will show you the capacities of your own higher Self. See? How you may still write my words as I walk with thee among the stars. Can you see?”
 
(me) Yes, I see with my inner mind a body of light outlines against the darkness of galaxy but not too detailed, sharp lines but details, no. There seems to be two bodies, but only One!? I cannot make this part out. How does this work? Is my higher Self SO disconnected from my physical?
 
“Only a small portion of God-power is needed to maintain the physical Life. You believe yourself so tiny, and yet you walk with me among the planets. Can you not imagine the truth of your immensity? No confinement is necessary to prolong your life on Earth. Focus of such extreme concerns are unintelligent from the point of view of the Father who is already maintaining the physical organism and pumping the blood, circulating the vibrant life energy which ignites the fuel of the body to transmute the sugars and proteins into energy for your use and movement.
 
“Careless contacts. I am here to guide you over the mechanical workings of careless connections put together through forces NOT your own! YOU must correct the environment in which you live to bring about better connections for none other than YOU to flow over and out into the physical expression. You cannot tread the paths laid by other maneuvers. You must lay your own. Can you mend the workings of another? Can you correct the faults caused by another? Can you see the anomaly my friend?”
 
(me) Yes, I can see my own field of influence and realize I must carry this out into the environment and that if I put it off in order to “complete the tasks caused by other people” I am putting off my own dawn of consciousness. Yes, I see. I understand. Please express further. You are my teacher. I am yours to fill up with your wisdom for I am you and you are me. We are One treading now a meshing, a network building across the threshold, walking as it were in delicate lacings, like a scaffolding among the stars and outer (inner) space. It is most beautiful and I love thee oh, my Own precious Lord of Light. Fill me, utilize me, tell me about the golden light of consciousness that encircles the planet earth. What is happening here, as this occurs over the last few days?
 
“Were you aware of my hand in this action within?”
 
(me) Yes, something made me do it.
 
“Carry this thought a little further.”
 
(me) As I exerted effort to move the light out beyond my heart, then my body, then the house, neighborhood, in ever increasing circumference, I became peaceful. There was a distinct quietening of my nervous system and mind. Why was this? I detected your maneuvering me to this memory, conclusion, thank you!
 
“Quantity of wholeness is stabilizing. The nerves in your physical body, when shut off from the whole environment, is not in sync, as you say, with your environment. The individuals who would like to follow their inner heart do not do so because of shutting themselves off from their neighbors and friends. The desire is for harmony in the outer. The harmony of soul may far outreach the harmony of earth bodies, yet few there are who know how to accomplish spiritual harmony. The visionary experience which I have been training you in the art of doing by yourself – for I step in from time to time to help – is the higher form of planetary integration. You may overlook the physical turmoil in your efforts of wholeness-building by including the turmoil in your love-sweep. To encircle a planet with love is a mighty endeavor indeed and you will find yourself heightened to the most exacting parameters of your feelings. And now I detect your tiredness, so let us retire from our evening’s work. I welcome you my friend and commend you in your persistence throughout the trials of these days.”


5/14/97 - A transparent body filled with nothingness

I have not been meditating over the last couple of weeks. This was premeditated in order to focus on desk tasks. Tonight however I was drawn to the meditation room. After lying down with Doug while he went to sleep, I got up and went into the meditation room. It was absolutely fantastic. I fell into it naturally. I put music on and I was told very clearly in revelation, from mind to mind:  

"Do not ask the male to change, just present the female.  See your female side growing strong and thrusting, taking on the male role in order to present itself to the world.  Feel this on your left side.  Feel your left side growing stronger and stronger, filling out and becoming larger.  On the other side, see the male side, the right hand side of yourself, becoming smaller, retreating and becoming passive.  Existing in the perfect attitude of surrender. Surrender!  Allow your male side to surrender.  As the male in you surrenders to the female, you will become stronger in presenting the female version of yourself to the world, and be able to hold true to it.  Your mistake has been in expecting males to 'learn' and wanting to 'teach' them.  That has been a weakness.  Rather LIVE your femininity.  BE your femininity.  ALLOW your femininity to exist in your being.  Don't ask permission to do this.  Just DO it!   Tell the world you are feminine not by words, not by teachings but by speaking yourself, showing yourself and acting yourself.  Let no one force you back under.” 

During this meditation I had the most exquisite sensation of being God. I was purity growing from the chest area like a sun shining.  As I was shining I felt my physical body releasing the condensed substance, pushing it out and away as though dissolving, as I became the purity filling me up. It felt like a physical transformation. Just prior to this I had emptied my body with my mind.  I made my body go away, made it disappear and I imaged a transparent body filled with nothingness, the void, only a shell outlined by light, but there was the intention to be filled with God's Light.  I emptied my body part by part, arm, leg, back, head, all over.  As light began to push out the physical stuff, as light began to fill me, diamonds and jewels began appearing, popping up all over my body.  Diamonds on the inside wrists of both hands, running up my inner arm to the crook in the elbow.  A gem at my forehead.  Two emeralds in my palms, fist sized, closer to the wrist than in the actual palm. Heavy pulsations coming from them.
 
Diamonds and other precious and multi-colored jewels popped up at the back of my neck and down my spine.  Flashes of jeweled colors in other parts of the body.  Then I saw Penny, a woman friend, and I saw her lifting up out of her body into a field of light, and a gem appeared at her forehead and the gem at my forehead connected to her, and gems in our hearts connected.  We became connected on many levels, with many lights flashing. Many jewels and tingles all over. Even now I feel the tingles as I write this.  There was a terrific connection with her.  I experienced an extremely high awareness, as though my consciousness was turned up and fine-tuned to a degree far beyond the norm. 
 
Then, on a lesser scale, with less brilliance, Lynda Gayle appeared before me, cross-legged. She bowed her head in respect and took my hands.  I, in turn, not wanting to be elevated, bowed even deeper.  We are connected. Penny is preparing to die.  She told me last month.  Her friends are keeping us posted on the internet.  She is trying to contact all her friends.  She is amazing.  She keeps calling.  She is very upbeat and light.  She was supposed to go into Mayo Clinic last Monday, but she went into a regular hospital instead.  She called and reported that her kidneys are failing, but something happened which turned the tide. She upchucked!  She upchucked so much green vile stuff that the doctor had to leave the room.  She knows that she is not going to die now.
 

7/14/01 - Planting the power seed, the sky power into the earth

I am shown this morning in my meditation room how to allow the sky power, the spiritual power, down into my body, down to the dan tiem - the area of the bowels which the Chinese call the stove and where I first felt the “click” of kundalini in 1976 when it (I) first began to move. It is the area that extends from the navel to the tailbone and a bit below outside of the body. As I sat in silence this morning and allowed this power to flow downward, I am focusing on a sun in that region. I can feel that area (only that area) filling up with warmth. It is similar to the afterglow of an orgasm. I imagine the healing power of warmth entering in here, the unconditional love of a great and powerful being entering here.

This love is so good, so fulfilling. It is sensual and full of eroticism. It is warm and healing. It feels SO good. Even as I type, it is still there, a full 45 minutes later. It makes me feel complete. It makes me feel earthy. It makes me feel like I’m home. I don’t need anything else now. I am home. I am complete.  It is pulsing. No. It is radiating. It is glowing. Yes. It is glowing. There is a warm glow in my bowels and I expand my mind and allow it in even more, like loosening a knot, like untying a kink in a hose, allowing it, allowing it down deeper, further, more, and there is a power source like a sun glowing in here. But I don’t see so much the brilliant light as when I am focusing in my heart. I am just feeling. I am shown that this is how it FEELS to bring the power down, that it MUST be brought down not just deep into the body but deep into the earth itself. The goal is to ground this mighty power that comes from the universe, down into what we call physical, into condensed shape and form, and down the legs into the earth itself.

When the power is brought down and connected to the earth by a conscious living being (me!) through intentional thought, then things begin to grow. It is like planting a power seed. Now the plan can come to fruition. Before, it was just a dream. Now the dream is being planted for real and you are the gardener and the mother who is tending the garden. (I am channeling now, words are coming from beyond me.) You can now produce magical manifestations where before it was just a dream of magic. Just a shell. You’ve been creating the plan all these years, a shell into which the power would someday come. Today is the day. The power is coming. Now you are fulfilling yourself and planting your power into the earth. Into your earth body for real. The dream is coming to an end. Reality is beginning.

It is YOU who make this happen by allowing your power into your body. (Words speaking to me now.) Allowing it to drift downward and out of the grip of your controlling ego, the brain, the smallness of you.  For, now that it is flowing downward into the vastness of your body and the earth body, you are beginning to feel the power that is yours. You are giving up the small control, the control over petty details and finite shapes, and allowing the larger to take over.  It is a hard thing to do, giving up control to one that is mightier than what you think of as you - your brain and mind. But you are more than your brain and mind, which knows what to do. You are giving it over and allowing yourself to become the extension of you beyond your immediate awareness. It is the allness of you that goes down into the depths of the earth like the mighty iceburg that is huge beneath the ocean. A great living breathing ballast that thrusts just a tiny tip of itself into sight so others can see. This is you as you also reconnect with that part of yourself that is also in the earth, waiting your planting. 


7/16/01 - Replacing old DNA with new light DNA

Left for massage class at 4 p.m. today, learning to be a massage therapist. Tonight we learned “danger sites on the body”. We did markings of the danger sites on each other, then we followed her while doing a pretty much whole massage. We ran short of time when I was doing the massaging so I was rushing and didn’t feel comfortable, but I am learning. Last night I had a dream that there were golden light filaments, long rods of about a foot long, in a large vase. There were about a dozen of them. Beside them were other rods of no light, which were muscles. It seemed to be comparing the muscles of a normal human with the long rods of light, as if that is what I should be working for.  I had the impression, though no visual recall now, that I had been working on muscles and at the very end of the episode, as if in punctuation and the most important part for me to remember, was the vase full of golden light rods - they were DNA. I was replacing the old DNA with new light DNA. As if this is my mission as a massage practitioner.


12/3/05 - The bliss that resides within the body 

In bedroom reading Sedona Journal. I ask my Presence and the Ascended Masters, what would you teach me today? I feel urged to receive communication via channeled writing. I have not done this in a while.
 
"Find your center, determine your direction as you were writing in your letter to spirit last night. You wish for many things. They are all possible. You have a support group forming to help you. Use your training and the art of bringing forth individual talents there are many who are waiting to hear from you. You hold a key to their hearts. Their egos too have been keeping them dangling ;and dancing about like puppets on a string - a string held not by a master but by a petty figure indeed. You are the master here, not the fearful ego. Let yourself shine through the ego’s murky fragmentation which so confuses. * Now! Your desires for classes are NOT from ego. They are from your own divinity. You are ready to teach and show the way. You have been waiting for support and so you shall have that support. You are ready to begin the spiritual activation of Anakosha.

"As you saw last night, the sexual group focus is the center of the flower. It is solid and attached to the stem running down to the ground and to the roots in the soil. You are now sensing the approaching energies of higher consciousness. This is the time you have been waiting for. The spiritual petals of the flower are ready to open. They have been closed in and over the sexual root chakra activity, allowing that focus and activity to grow in strength. As it has been growing in strength and focus it has been sending thought waves upward touching the higher realms, like bubbles from the bottom of the pond. Each bubble carries within its heart a spark of the divine. It seeks to rise and rejoin its Home, the eternal sea of light. Yet, it is trapped within a solid, or so it seems, body. Therefore it will seek its own level or vibrational frequency within the body within the windows of the soul - the chakras where pure bliss resides.

"It is time to speak of the bliss that resides within the body, for that is the peace that the people are seeking. You DO know the peace and the stillness within. The teaching about ego and its role in your life is a major step to your evolution to the starting point. You understand now, what has been holding you back. You have become wise to ego. You have stopped following its guidance, which has kept you dancing like a puppet on a string held by a small piece of illusion. Now you sit in peace with yourself. That which you call a cold, or bug, is a gift to you to help you take a much-needed rest from the puppet master - a fearful little thing who is not necessary in your larger plan. You know. Underneath, you know. Your letter to spirit has shifted your perception so that you can hear us and communicate by writing. We have given you many techniques and advice for you to use, not only for yourself, but to present them to others.

"You are ready to hold classes in the name of Anakosha, and finally activate the spiritual energy in that great group soul to come out and shine. It is the great missing piece to the magnificent puzzle which you have designed for yourself in this lifetime. Others will carry on the lower levels, the petty details and administration, for they WANT to do it. They are eager to do it. They are part and parcel with you. They await your coming out and moving forward with the spiritual plan. You will empower them to do THEIR job, when you are willing to do yours. Anakosha must be nurtured from the higher realms and only individuals awakening to their own higher potentials can do that nurturing. As you read recently, it is not in techniques or technology that the answer lies, but in awakening consciousness within the human heart. For THAT is where consciousness resides. The heart is an intelligent force, larger than the brain or mind, because it is one with all that is. Source. God/Goddess. Light. Through the awakening of the heart, individuals will begin to settle down and lose some of their attachment to chaos and linearity. It is about NOW time - where peace and serenity govern human life.

"We are here to serve you and guide you in this massive undertaking. We have sent people to you. Anakosha School of Oneness will thrive and grow internationally as your husband has said. He is one that we sent to you. God bless you, my beloved. We love you and honor you. You may call on us at ANY time. ANY time you need support in shedding the chaos and negative energies, call on us. We are always home! Namaste. Welcome to our ranks. You have a job to do and it shall be light.


9/25/12 - Lowering the Divine Plan into humanity

This morning I saw the purpose of the guardian race while preparing to insert my bottom partial which hurts if I don’t do it with care,  so I stopped and asked my angels and guides to please assist me that this would be smooth and easy, no pain. Suddenly the heavens opened and it was revealed to me how the divine plan is lowered into the physical. I gently settled the partial in and it fit like magic into place without pain. What I saw in that momentary flash was so smooth and so easy words cannot describe it. I saw layers of densities which were intelligences, from the lowest and closest to earth on up to the highest and closest to a brilliant white light. The closest to earth were the devas and devic kingdoms, also known as the elementals. Then the spirit guides who are close to us who used to live on earth who are here nudging us and feeding us with information from their side of the veil. Then there are the angels who have never lived on earth before, who retain the purity of spirit and the heavens. Then there are archangels and the ascended masters and more. I am sure there were more. I didn’t see these as separate in any way. It was rather more an awareness of how it works. These are only the names of beings that I can think of to describe it in words. In the vision though, they really were not separate but one grand wholeness of intelligence, increasing in density the nearer to earth (for lack of a better word). All of this combined is the Spiritual Hierarchy that surrounds the earth and covers us like a blanket of intelligence and love, which actually protects, nurtures and embraces the physical world and tries to uphold it and feed it.

The divine plan comes down from the highest and lightest point, God, or Creator, and it comes down, gently, carefully, handed down from intelligence to intelligence to intelligence, through the channels of awe and reverence to, for and from the beloved Prime Creator, descending ever lower as it passes through the waiting and receptive entities that receive it and pass it on down further  on the ladder to finally reach the dense earth. All in the entire spiritual hierarchy is completely in harmony and in love. It is Earth that breaks the chain of reverence. Being covered with sentient beings who are the receivers of this magnificent plan to embody divinity on Earth, from animals to rocks to trees to water, mountains, fields and the elementals, everything works except humanity. The most important rung in the ladder is missing. The guardian race, humanity, is known as the stewards of the Earth, but they are not fully operative. Meaning we human beings who are not (yet) fully conscious and aware of receiving a most beautiful divine plan as it is lowered carefully down through density into form through awe and reverence. Those who are below us in evolution are not aware yet of the significance of lowering a divine plan into physicality. For billions of years the Earth has been trying to evolve a guardian race to become fully conscious to fill this role, but each time something happened to abort the plan. ET intervention, the dark manipulations, the floods, etc. But we are getting close to becoming fully conscious. The end of the cosmic cycle is on us.


6/17/14 - Releasing treasure chests full of jewels

During my practice time this morning, in the middle of meditation, I stopped long enough to call in the MIAP and also the violet flame. During that time I asked for the violet flame to enter into the subconscious and into areas that are hidden. I am seeing a chest, like a treasure chest, and I am opening it and looking inside. But what’s inside is not old stuff but jewels, gem stones, diamonds, glittery things, and I realize that these are the things I have held closest to me, not revealing them but holding onto them because they are so valuable. I see them as beautiful. They are not sinful or bad or evil at all. They are precious and that is why I have held onto them and not revealed them. They are sacred to me. And now I am releasing them upward into the light. I am sending them Home. I am saying, “Here, take these. These are my stories. I am giving them to you so that you may add them to the overall sea of consciousness. I release them, I let them go. Take them. And I see the glittering diamonds going upward out of the darkness of my cellar, my underground, where they were hidden away. These are my stories and I am releasing them back Home to the light. I am adding to the Light my adventures and my wisdoms gained. And then I am seeing further down into the darkness of my subconscious and I am seeing treasure chest after treasure chest after treasure chest going off into the darkness until I can no longer see them any more. And I say, “Abracadabra - Open!” And all of the chests fly open and out of them come more jewels, more diamonds, pearls, rubies, precious stones of all kinds. They are just a little dusty because they have been carefully hidden away and preserved. Totally beyond my sight. I didn’t know they were there. This morning I released them all. I opened all of the chests and let the gems and jewels free to fly upward into the light to go Home. This was done very methodically and consciously. I spoke the words out loud as they came to me. And then I resumed my exercises.


8/2/14 - I know things as if I am the knowledge itself

I did inner movements for half an hour and really connected. It’s amazing how the cells tingle. I can feel them. They are fuzzy and warm. Peaceful. The movements bring knowledge. I called them visions before but it’s really knowledge. It feels like my cells are floating in something more fluid than normal. (I am lying on the massage table now.) I feel like closing my eyes. Earlier I had invited the kundalini energy - that which is bigger than me and knows more than me - to reenter my life and rejuvenate my body the way it did in the early days. It was slow getting started but it gradually mesmerized me. I found myself often staring at one thing outside - a leaf or a book - but I was actually focusing on infinity, silence, non-movement while my body was moving slowly in the dance-like motion. Toward the end the snake rippling movement began and I invited it but I noticed the exhaustion of my muscles came quickly. I wanted to keep going. My mind was willing and I said, “It’s OK, I will keep going.” But it stopped anyway without my deciding. Now I am sitting up, writing this. I feel my old body [76 years old] but I feel the soft flow cradling my cells. This is so amazing. I don’t have this feeling when I do my normal ritual exercises and decree work. All these years I have been following exercise techniques but THIS is what I should have been following. The Adam Kadmon is the crystal body, known as the Christ body or crystalline body. Angels and elementals are in harmony when I am following this flow. I am knowing things again as if I am the knowledge itself.
 

8/3/14 - It's not just kundalini, it's the angels descending

It’s not just kundalini, it’s the angels descending and connecting with kundalini, the earth energy. I have been mistaken all these years, thinking it was kundalini rising that gave me the soaring experience, but it was also the angel of myself descending, as indeed I have recorded as much. Father coming down, mother coming up, meeting in me, my body, and merging there. Wow! It’s an expansion of my former perception. Just a slight shift. That’s why they call it the angel dance. Bring the love down. Kundalini does not have that divine love that the angels do, so we open to the Earth power to connect. Earth is an anchor to hook onto like a ship ties up at dock after being buffeted by the seas and storms. It holds her steady while being loaded and unloaded, for the time when she unhooks and moves out to sea again. But the god-man and god-woman must ground themselves in order to bring the divine plan to Earth for themselves, to learn how to stay anchored to the Earth but without falling into the trap of the lower dimensions of the animals and elements. His purpose is to raise the elements and the bodies he occupies to higher dimensions, through focus and attention on higher, more ethical, more moral ways that are re-vitalizing, resurrecting, clean, healthy, regenerating, instead of losing vitality and decaying and growing old physically, mentally and emotionally losing his sensitivity and appreciation to the finer graces of life. His job is to study, observe and learn how to live this god-like way, healthy, wholesome and respectful of himself first, and all others as a mirror reflection of his own god-qualities - beauty courage and refinement. Bring love to Earth, angel love. Let angel love superimpose, lay over on top of, human love.
 

1l0/21/15 - Healing the ancestors with sister who passed

In Northboro for Shirley’s memorial service and burying of her ashes in the Peinze plot at Northboro cemetary. I am sleeping in Carolyn’s room while Henry sleeps in another room. When I got up Carolyn and Henry had gone to the senior center so I opened the bedroom door and went outside and sat in a chair on the little deck. I went into an altered state quickly. A lawnmower is making noise. It is John, Susie's husband next door. I welcome the motorized sound. I acknowledge the intelligence of the metal that makes up the lawnmower. I thank it for taking care of human needs. The sound is now purring and soft. John's spirit allows me to synch with the motor and metal and sound.
 
My thoughts now recognize all the metal appliances in the neighborhood which often go unacknowledged yet continue to serve mankind endlessly. I thank them for their service to mankind. Suddenly I am omming in sync with the hum of the lawnmower. I have to adjust the pitch to be in tune with the lawnmower. I find the right tone and omm together with the sound. Suddenly Shirley is over my head omming with me. Or maybe that's when I become conscious of her.
 
While we are omming - Shirley and me and the lawnmower - Shirley is tellimg me, or rather transferring knowledge to me of her association with Guruji, the Jains, and she is opening herself up to channel even more than what she knew or had absorbed while in body. There is then a widening and a sense of lineage that extends out into forever. She is like a portal. Shirley is directing at this point, now that I look back on it, as if we were a blended being. I see this more from hindsight. I (we) invited the ancestors of my father and mother to come forward. My father's line came from the right and my mother's line came from the left. Later I recalled a yoga teaching that confirmed the right and left direction for male and female energies as they flow up the spine. but that's beside the point.
 
There were multitudes who started to come forward.. My father's line came from Germany with a certain "feel" and my mother's line came from I don't know where - it was more vague and it felt softer. There were all shapes, sizes and textures of human beings, and many were damaged and missing parts of themselves, both on my father's side and on my mother's side.
 
I welcomed them and I hugged the first one, and as I did I was hugging them all, simultaneously. They seemed to be all one, yet separate and in need of healing, and it seemed I was able to heal them all because I knew how to love human beings unconditionally. I think it was both me and Shirley doing this together, jointly, combining our abilities and our knowledge.
 
I feel that this is Shirley's greatest desire. She wants to unite the families. And she wants our immediate families to remain connected and not lose track of each other. But we saw that the families extend far, far beyond what we expected!! We are connected through our genes to so many! The ancestors as spoken of by indigenous tribes, now become real. They are all connected to me. To us. I am connected to each one of them who are too many to count or find names for. We are the human family. We all carry parts of each other in our makeup. Our genetic material.
 
I felt overwhelmed by this horde of family. As I hugged them, I hugged them close, like a lover intimately, stroking their heads, which were wounded, and their necks and shoulders and arms and backs and legs and feet, as if making them whole again wherever I touched, by welcoming them and honoring them. And by honoring one I was honoring all in my lineage and I don't know how far this extends. It seems forever.
 
This all took place outside of time. It didn't take long in minutes. I remained in a quiet state for quite a while. Then Carolyn and Jeanne arrived to discuss memorial preparations for tomorrow. They seem to have it all covered, including Fran who is bringing lunch for 75 people. That's all for now. Thank you Shirley.
 

8/18/17 - The brilliant spark of God light thru massage 

I was groggy this morning. Slept on the magnetic mat again last night. I feel like I have to activate a completely dead body. I am bringing light down into it, though, and it works. It just takes time. I did decrees during movements and it was lovely, but even before beginning I received the following:
 
“Your origins are a brilliant spark. You are a pure and holy brilliant spark of God Light and from that YOU are born, or patterned, designed to be who you are today as a form. Out of pure white light you were formed into what you are today, except you are not expressing that beautiful divine YOU! You are covered over with weavings of impure energies that you have accumulated over many lifetimes. But underneath and woven throughout your entire being is that beautiful pure white gold that is pure and holy. So what you were designed in the original pattern of you is not your physical of today, which shows marks of age and decay, but you as you can imagine yourself to be in the prime of life radiating perfect health and vitality. As you can imagine yourself in the most exquisite ideal perfect form, majestic and graceful and refined, however you can imagine yourself as the ideal form, you are beginning to line up your imperfect human form with the ideal perfect form and truth that you were created to be. Imagination is your greatest tool. You are much more than you can imagine but your imagination is the highest and best tool we have to begin this work. It is called “visualization”.
 
“Working with imagination and visualization is how we sharpen our consciousness and RAISE our consciousness to more ideal planes of existence. It is how we sharpen our consciousness skills and talents. We improve ourselves through visualizing perfection in form. While we are only temporarily living in a limited material body, it is possible to rejuvenate it so that it lives a long and prosperous life, longer than our ancestors did. We can even ascend the body and become an immortal, but let’s stay within the realm of the possible right now. We are pure mind, pure heart, pure soul, buried inside an impure mind, heart and soul. But our most precious asset is our consciousness. Our ability to use our minds and choose what thoughts we entertain - that is our greatest asset. We can be poor in body and what we own, but we can be the richest person on earth in our own minds. By using the gifts of the spirit that is what I refer to as “the gold” within us. We have golden radiance within us or we wouldn’t be alive today. It is the golden radiance within us that gives us the breath of life. It is the immortal aspect of us. We are a part of the great source. We ARE the great source. And so are the people around us. They don’t know it yet, but we are about to begin remembering.
 
“The body is a house we built for ourselves when we came to live on Earth as a babe. But before that we were part of a great sea of consciousnesses. To be born here we have to reduce our greatness or we wouldn’t be able to identify with this world. We have to identify with this world and all the others in form. Now during massage swaps when we start touching one another with this consciousness of being “more”, when we start loving one another with hands of light and love, we will start feeling goodness and peace. These are memories. Feelings of goodness, love and being loved are memories of our parent source, where we came from. Sensations in the physical body are feelings of that original love that made us, that is our home, that is the source of our breath and heartbeat. These sensations of love that we will stimulate in each other are remembering the great love we came from. We will feel good. Good is the best down-to-earth word to use. Just feel good with yourself. If you’re striving to make someone else feel good, you’re working too hard. Just allow yourself to feel good. We’re going to swap being the massager and the massagee. You give, then you receive. Then you give again and then you receive. We remember how good we can feel. Memories of the golden radiance that is woven in through our darker threads of unhappy energies we’ve accumulated - this is healing. Feeling good is tapping into who we are in the ideal perfection . Peace and bliss are memories of who we are. Light beings flowing down into physical bodies. We can appreciate being human when we can feel good, happy, joyous and peaceful. On Wednesdays, from a human perspective, we’re just sitting there fully clothed touching fingers or faces, or maybe lying down on the mat and hugging, again fully clothed, but we are remembering when we are conscious and aware of this fact. Yes. it’s a fact and it’s a truth. This is the foundation of Tantric teachings.
 
“Each person must develop the awareness of the golden radiance within, alone. By him or herself. It is an inner awareness that must be developed. We must touch lightly. It is in conscious touching that we connect with the golden radiance within the other person - or try to - because we don’t have control over the other person’s consciousness. In ancient times a tantric master would teach a student separately for many months or years, until the student was ready to work with a partner, and he would pair them up to share the golden energy together. But while it took many years in past ages, today we are moving into a new age, a new golden age, where the light is radiating at a much faster and higher rate of speed into people, whether they know it or not. It’s happening to all who live upon the planet, even though they are not mentally aware of it. I yearn to begin sharing and showing how beautiful golden touch can be and it must be done without thinking “sex”. Lovemaking is a whole, completely different type of interaction than sex is. Making love when both partners are conscious of the radiance of love within them and being able to maintain that inner state of love within themselves, then making love is out of this world. Literally. It’s on another plane. It starts out beautiful, so warm, so endearing, so emotional, and it grows from there.
 
“That is what the love club intends to share and practice through massage swaps. We must start gently so the hungry ones, and you know the type, someone who is so hungry for touch that they rush you and pressure you into actions that you are not ready for. But we are all needy. Every one of us. So it‘s not “them“ we have to watch out for, but ourselves. We each have to learn how to not push and not pressure others, but always having the beautiful goal as an ideal lying ahead, waiting for ‘someday’. Not some ONE, but some day when we can hold onto love within our own hearts. Then we will attract like a moth is attracted to a flame, we will attract someone of equal vibration. So let us grow our feelings of goodness through massage. Loving touch massage. It is sensual in the sense that it is warm, but all over warm. It’s not intended to turn on the genitals. The genitals have to let go. Let go of the genital turn-on feeling. Let the feelings flow all over the body. Grow your memories of that love that exists all over the body in every cell, every molecule, every atom. Grow your LIGHT body which is your LOVE body, expand the LIGHT which holds the love safe in a higher plane, out of range of the impure thought.
 
“We need to expand our capacity to receive love in more places than the lingam and yoni. We grow our capacities to bring love into all parts of the body, into every nook and cranny of our physical form. Our bodies must be refined enough to receive these loving divine energies that are so holy, so pure, and the human body is capable of receiving it. It IS! People call it rapture, or nirvana, but human beings have been there before, both in solitude, and in partnership, as this is what ancient tantra masters taught to the few who were ready.
 
“Imagine a weaving of very fine hair-thin threads of light criss-crossing all through your body. Very, very fine, so fine they are invisible to the eye. These are on the etheric plane. Some weaves are thicker than others, and all of them are connected to the larger etheric spot lights that are called chakras placed at strategic points in the body. Chakras are where the pure golden love-light is held on higher planes. It can’t come into an impure place so it is up to the individual to begin the learning process. That is what the love club is going to do.”
 

4/17/18 - Message from the Presence: You are a star-based being

Dear LLL (lord of living light), the longing to connect with others is SO deep, but it is proving hopeless to “make” a group of givers happen. The visions that have prodded me through the years -- ? I thank you for your consistent efforts to get through to me. After reading the journal entry of 4/17/82, boy! Do I have to laugh at myself. It is not hopeless, is it? It is amazingly clear. (lump in throat.) My dear heavenly father-mother, there is no choice. It is difficult, though, to leave them, the people who are searching for answers when I know so much, but then the ascended masters must also feel the same way. I have no choice. I must stop  “trying”. I am nearly done reading the journals. Oh, I hate to say it, but I must - I give up!! I surrender. Yet even as I put the words on paper a surge of wanting grows. Why? Why do I receive so much yearning? You have been directing me to YOU! My higher Self within. Does that mean I should give up trying to “do” something for the people? I want to help?! How can I help?! The whole? How can I lift the whole!? If I can’t help “them” too? I can “lift” myself, but what about them? I am reading Lady Portia’s address through Star Hinman and it causes a question to pop up, using Blossom’s terms - OMG! I am being blended with star-based beings, am I not?
 
A: My beloved, you ARE a star-based being! Finally, you are acknowledging your source. It is no accident - emphasis on NO accident, that you have a joint website alongside Anakosha. Can you NOW take your focus off wanting to help others and simply BE who and what you are and always have been? The couple from Fleetwood, England who wrote to you in the wee hours of the English morn, have recognized you. You bring star-based knowledge. The people are following your light as you lay it down upon the earth planet. YOU are the star-based source of information and frequencies. You do not help them by narrowing your focus to a few small number. The numbers you are helping are those who read your websites, and even though they do not stumble INTO your websites, your frequencies are blended and merged with the planetary frequencies. Your energy in the familiar pattern that you exude and send out over the internet has already lifted the whole of the Earth planet. Do not put yourself down. Do not continue to humble yourself so low, dear one, recognize. Realize. Make that much needed inner connection, for that simple acceptance of who you are will answer your questioning. Do you remember the dream so long ago of arriving with others, in a great mother ship, to earth, and on that great ship you were serving plates of food to the masters who were sitting at a banquet table. That, my dear friend, was real. You are active. The masters cannot do what YOU can do. They depend upon YOU to follow the path and not become lost in the thicket caused by other’s needs. You are not here to oblige or fill or help the empty longings of other people, other souls. The longing for touch that YOU feel, is a radiated longing from others. You live in a world of unfulfilled needs. You have come to lift them, not to pour your attention which is your life energy, into the holes and the lack and the dark, for life will be lost in such an endeavor. You are here to lift through enlightenment. The darkness is dark because of lack of light. Light has not reached into those places. THAT, my friend, is your role. To send forth information. Light in the form of facts, truths on a cosmic, interplanetary and interdimensional scale. Can you see that this is your role? And that you will reach large numbers of people by writing, rather than trying to set up a hands-on school. (Q: Can I try by telling them something?) Only in the form of wisdom. Not to promise them physical labor and attention. As the masters cannot enter into this world because they would not be recognized due to the receptive abilities being so low, so YOU cannot continue to waste your life energies on the scattered few who do not recognize the glory, the sparkle, the light, the eternal immortal love that you are radiating. Because, when you narrow your focus, you are narrowing your light. (Q: Should I take down the “ascension massage exchange?) No, my friend. Shorten the description and leave it there. It is an opening to those who are ready to hear and receive. You did well with Roger. You did not get pulled in by him. You maintained your clarity. You are an opening, as a physical representative of the ascended masters. Not as a human, not as an ego, but as a representative of the ascended state. You are being used by the wonderful beings who guide the Earthlings. Continue on your path. Do not be “caught” in the dark web of longing. And now I see that our time is closing. (I love you, dear LLL. Thank you.)


11/16/18 - Golden threads weave through the body

I am seeing with inner vision the golden threads weaving in and through and around the physical substance of my body. These are the meridians as described by the ancients. It is a literal web, like a spiders web, but with many more strands crisscrossing through my body. I saw this in magnification as under a microscope several days ago. Gold threads woven in with the mundane, average, human threads of the body. The golden threads are pure light. Spirit flows through these meridians and they are everywhere I see. Top to bottom, head to toe, shoulders, fingers. This is what props up and holds up the physical, otherwise it would not live.

This is the substance of our body, made alive by the golden life force coming through the meridians. It, the meridians, the web of life within, is what keeps me alive and supplies me with consciousness and feeling and connection to everyone else around me. And objects outside of me. Without it, if it were to withdraw, my body would die. I would leave. I see that I am that life force and I am being drawn to this light increasingly so. I am to write about it to bring awareness forward into the atmosphere of earth. I see the light is flowing upward and light is also flowing downward and the light is meeting in the middle in me, in my body. And as I become more conscious of this light above and below and how it is meeting in the middle, I feel more comfortable in my skin. I feel more here now. More present. It is like coming home. It is my awareness that brings about the truth and the reality of who I am. It creates peace.

It is as if all of the atoms, electrons, molecules, sub-atomic particles that make up my physical body can stop being random, confused, lost in the maze and fog of the netherworld. They become settled down and peaceful. Then I become peaceful too, for I am not my body. I am moving through my body like electricity moves through a light bulb. I have been using my body without giving it much thought or honor or respect. I have actually been ignoring my body and abusing it. And it has grown tired and achy, with pains here and there sporadically popping up. Now, as I am being drawn into realization that there is a river of Light and Life flowing through me, as I place my attention on it, my body is happy. My body rests in the arms of someone who cares. Is it me? Or is it someone bigger? Yes, it is someone bigger than me, who cares for this body and would make it feel better, become better and live longer. I am drawn back to the teachings of the Tao and Tantra - Tantra meaning “web” as in “web of life”.

I see the golden strands in me are not physical, they are currents. They are of my very own making. I designed them, I am them, not my human of this life, this self/ego, but that which I am eternally, I am the presence from the beginning. I Am the “I Am Presence” that is the creator of individual humans and animals. This river of light is neither masculine nor feminine. It is pure undivided, unfragmented, unmanifested, abstract conscious light from heaven that was sent forth by the Father/Mother Creator of all things, as an individual conscious light. I am an individual light spirit, and I am here to create the perfect human.

My I Am Presence is unique from all other I Am Presences in existence. My Father in Heaven is unique from everyone else’s Father in Heaven, and my Father Light circulating through my body becomes Mother Light now that it is in the body. It is the Mother. Father Light becomes Mother light in the body to uphold and support the physical atoms in place so I the Father can think and plan and design and create. The mother light is the love that supports, nurtures and nourishes and allows the creator Father Light to move about freely and bring his action into manifestation. Does this even make sense?


11/17/18 - The alien male sinister force 

This came as a channeling from spirit. The term Goddess is God locked in form. Once God is in form it takes on the culture into which it has been born as a human being. It must be understood that in this world there is an alien male sinister force that has taken over. It is heartless and not wanting love to have any power whatsoever. It is not the men doing this subjugation of women. Men are its victims too. It is the alien male sinister force which is not native to Earth. We have been used and abused by heartless rulers who twist our nature and beat us up with it. Our nature is love. God is here within. The feminine side of God is here within, to comfort and care for the evolving human creatures, but this loving force has been locked up and not allowed to flow through sinister means.
 
Now I have to clarify the word “love” because we have been misguided. We have forced that great motivating, liberating fire into a small bottle and capped it with a lid. We have been literally corralled like cattle into the cattle yards awaiting slaughter, and made to mate under their rules, not our own. Under the culture we were born into, there are insidious laws in place that, if we don’t obey them allow them to put us into prison, or to suffer harassment or worse. God/Goddess is free within us but we have to let it out and let it flow from person to person. We need to understand what love REALLY is. We feel it as comfort and kindness, not as sexual lust. The laws and traditions of the culture including marriage and relationship laws have been put in place to prevent love from being free. These laws are our biggest downfall and the cruelest task masters. There is no free love in the land. However, once our hearts start opening up, free love will start flowing and liberating the planet again, as it once did, bringing calm, peace and advancements in all fields and prosperity to each and every one. Love is what boosts and elevates humankind, not selfishness and greed or sexual lust. Free love is coming in now but it is causing chaos in the outer world arenas because the alien male sinister force is trying to stamp it out and this alien male sinister force is not outside of us – it is inside – Inside ALL of us.
 
We each have owned a piece of it and allowed it to live in us. That’s why the love can’t get out. We’ve consented to it. Our biggest challenge is to work on our SELF to overcome our dark, cruel, selfish, greedy and mean side, which is the alien sinister force that has been here for eons of time. It runs through our history. We can’t afford to judge anyone else, nor even ourselves, but rather to forgive, forgive, forgive. Judging someone and judging ourselves continues to divide us and make us even meaner, which keeps the padlock on our hearts. Comfort and kindness is the only solution to breaking the padlock and springing love free to flow out to everyone we meet.
 
I said I would address the word love that has been polluted and distorted into a petty hurtful thing. We don’t know what we have done. We have been bamboozled by the advanced artificial technology of the male sinister force. We have been kept foggy-brained. If we feel possessive of our mates, married or not, it is not love. It is hate. The alien male sinister force which has held the world locked in a dark loveless world of artificiality, knew exactly how to structure the governing laws and program the lesser evolved race. The children race. Lock them together one with another and force them to “work it out”. Sound familiar? Divine love wouldn’t do that. Divine love would not require you to shut yourselves up inside a house with someone so dissimilar to yourself to “try to work it out”. How mean is that? How cruel. We are free beings, why are we not living free?
 
When my husband began a long-distance relationship with an old friend, jealousy popped up in me. I struggled for a year and then decided I didn’t like myself feeling that way. So I told him quietly, not angrily, but with love in my heart, that he ought to go out and visit her to see what happens. If they have a reason to be together, then they should be together. And he did. He went out to visit with her and he learned something and he came back home. He is with me today. And though I was disappointed because I was already planning my future alone without him, I experienced a new kind of freedom. In giving him permission to move on to explore something new, instead of holding him back because of some “law“ or “tradition“ or “vow“ or “promise”, I unlocked something in myself. I gave myself room to grow. I benefited more from that than I could have done any other way. I gave him unconditional freedom, unconditional love. I didn’t expect anything back. But I received something back. Love is freedom. Love is liberating. Love is comforting. Love is truth. Love is also advancement. We have to adapt to this new way. We have new responsibilities now with this greater love. We are more empowered. We must manage this power as an adult, with wisdom. We have to grow up and become an adult. We have to keep the heart open as we learn to maneuver in this new way. We have to be willing to take the next step up the ladder to a higher place instead of closing ourselves down into a protective false cocoon.
 
That is what love is. It’s not about jealously guarding what we think we own. We don’t own anything. The only thing we can own is our consciousness. We are here to become more conscious of our own power that we are responsible for. We are here on earth to shine that power outward to help move blocks and barriers out of the way. We are here to create a freer, more abundant, more perfect world. We are here to shine our light and grow into more light and more love and more happiness and more freedom. We are here to help make the world a better place, not a smaller one. Love is the release from attachments. Relationships are attachments. Release does not mean kicking someone out of the house, it means giving your partner freedom to do what they want to do and you get the same freedom plus more. It is done in love, not anger. It is done with gentle support, not withdrawing support. It is done with kindness and leaving the door open for return, just like you would for a best friend who needs some confidence to take the next step. That is love. Release attachments, and marital vows are attachments in this larger way, and you’ll be surprised at how good you feel. Truly surprised. Love is not attachment to one person. Love is attachment to the sovereign state of divinity within the SELF.
 
We have come to think of love as possession and that we have rights of ownership over the one we are attached to, but we don’t. We are so much more than a pawn in the male alien sinister game of control.  There are blinders on. This message will not settle well with everyone. I realize that. But this comes direct from spirit. I wouldn’t have the courage or knowledge to say these things myself. Recognizing the alien male sinister in the world is a challenge. Can you see the difference? To me it is now easy to see. I didn’t see it in my earlier years. I see now the decent, humane, kind human being who is seeking the same in others. It may not be totally clear yet, but that is why we see writings like this. We are being prompted to find forgiveness within ourselves, forgiveness for the errors we have made. We don’t know that we have more control over our lives until we take actual steps in that direction and try it out. Forgive and let go with an open heart and feel what returns back to you. The sense of freedom, kindness, love and respect and comfort. It is an amazing feeling. My words do not convey the full meaning very well. It’s a meager attempt to paint the picture of universal love. It is impersonal, not personal. It does not give us rights over another human being. Love is so very much bigger than physical needs and addictions to bodily pleasures. There is a pleasure that far, far, far, exceeds that limited requirement. 
 
1/9/21 - Dismantling of 3D identity

I woke in the night  to write down, “The purity of the kanda, the source light within, is surrendering to the will of the human, so that the human may use it to grow enlightenment. I saw the purity, both the male purity and the female purity as I came to conscious wakefulness. I saw this purity before it is used and before it is bent to the will of the evolving human. I SAW IT! I experienced this purity before it allowed itself to be used so. It yielded its purity. It was not form but silvery liquid light. I become the purity when I am still and motionless. I am capable of becoming the purity. It is the essence of who I am. Within this essence is a pattern that I am to follow. Kanda, the beloved, is source energy at the base of the spine, which is the geometric center of the body. You couldn’t be here without source energy in you. I went back to sleep and woke again to write, “Start up the newsletter again and send meditation techniques, tell them one hour a day. Use the newsletters you started as your first one and use the ones you get from me as you feel in the moment to give to others, one hour a day.” I felt this to be an instruction for me to get on with it. Give meditation instructions and encouragement.
 
In the bathroom highly charged and feeling inspired, I begin writing. My dark night of the soul experience of leaving my family and running away, was the dismantling of this body’s 3D identity. It prepared the way for the download of kundalini and the new life, the new mission that this human cannot comprehend because it has only known what it grew up with. Now, you are getting many downloads as you are processing (I’m channeling now) and acting on this new information which, by acting on it and sharing it, puts it into action in the world of the humans. You are gaining some experience. When you don’t act and express the information, you are not helping either yourself or the world. You are blocking the information. Becoming aware of the anti-life practices (negatives) that have been going on on earth is a horrifying experience. It is happening. People are waking up to insidious things taking place. They are becoming aware. Conscious awareness is taking place and this is good. Then they will be aware that they need to turn inward to their source to do some re-positioning of their mental attitudes.
 
Holding focus on something higher is the order of the day. Meditation is a practice, not a discussion. There is needed some simple ideas of how to begin. You can do this. You are well primed and prepared to offer encouragement. Dimensions are levels of conscious awareness. Where is your default level of consciousness? Where do you fall back to, when you’re not thinking of something specific? Our brains can’t comprehend. Meditation is a practice for 15 min, 30 min, builds new brain synapses, wakes up the brain, expands the brain in this physical reality so your consciousness can enter and make you aware. You’ll feel much better able to handle the bad, negative news that are coming forth of horror stories without flipping out and having a bad time readjusting. Your brain needs to practice building new brain cells under your control, focused on peace and higher consciousness, higher vibrations and higher frequencies. That is why you need to develop the practice of meditation. Fear, anger, judgment are low frequencies. They keep recycling fear, anger and judgment. You can handle fear and anger better if you practice meditation. Help them develop meditation habits.
 
Finding your niche in life, finding your purpose in life, you have to find the niche in yourself first, which is one of balance. A niche is where you feel most comfortable. You feel good. You feel you belong there, that you were made for this location or spot. Find the niche in yourself first and then you will be connected to your higher self who will pave the way for you to your place in the outer world. Trust your higher self. Make the connection with your higher self.
 
This virus thing, covid, is a ploy. Of course there is some truth in it, but very little compared to the power it has used to deploy it. It has been blown out of proportion to such an extreme that everyone is being brought down to low levels of fear, worry, and that is causing the illness and the deaths. A germ cannot harm you when you are in high vibration of positivity, light, love, peace and calm. But if you are afraid of it, then yes, it can attach to you and your own low vibration will magnify it and draw more of the same to your body. It is the blowing out of proportion of a germ that is causing the pandemic and fear. This is being done on purpose by evil-minded people. There is danger in all natural events, germs included. There is danger in tropical storms, in brush fires, in rivers, torrential rains, tornedoes and faulty wiring in your home. Even your stairs are dangerous if you are not careful walking down them, but natural awareness will protect you unless a leader begins to harangue you about being afraid. This is black magic being broadcast outward at the peoples of this world. Black magic is the science of repetition without letting up for an instant. A continual beaming of dark influences. But none has taken over the airwaves to the extent that this latest covid pandemic has done. This is a ploy of the dark ones who want to destroy the world, who are trying to bring your attention and that of your neighbors and families down to such a point that all of you together will be the weight that sinks you.
 
You are all weighing each other down. It is a pre-planned attack on the peoples of the entire planet. The recent Trump scenario is an excellent lesson. If you listen long enough to a repeated negative statement, even you do not believe it at first, but if you listen long enough to it you will eventually believe it to be true. It has that effect on the human being who does not have faith in his own spiritual source. The lie has been the process of dividing people and keeping them out of alignment with their innocent and positive unifying nature. The continual speaking of words that divide creates a divide in you, the listener. It lowers your consciousness which is naturally peaceful. Don’t listen. It’s a ploy. Practice meditation to heal this division in your psyche. Reconnect with your higher self and build peacefulness into your brain synapses. It is your brain that censors out words that do not belong. 


8/31/23 - Descending the first time into physical form

I saw during shower that when the descension happened the first time - of the spirit spark coagulating into density on its way into form and sentient experience - it did not know what to expect. It was a first-time experience feeling the closeness of electrons in matter gathering around it. This was a revelation experience. At the time it was a sensual or visceral experience. Then it began having experiences in form, having reactions and responses to experiences of bumping up against other forms. There was a break and it ascended back to the light to regroup, and then it returned to form. There were then many lifetimes of descending down into form and, when done with that life, ascending back to the light to remember and adjust. But in the process it accumulated memories through these experiences, some good, some bad. It gathered these memories and eventually it gathered enough understanding and knowledge of how to live in a solid form that it could master them and overcome the discrepancies. And eventually it became the ascended master which ascended back into the light and remained there. It did not need to go back into form unless it chose to. Now I am seeing this. I am seeing that the descension comes down the front (as I see it) and the ascension goes up the spine where the secret doors in the spine are kept locked until the spirit finds them and unlocks them itself, one at a time. This is a powerful new insight. I am now breathing down the front of me in the soft organs, and ascending up the spinal cord, the sushumna, and unlocking the secret chakra doors to enter the higher realms. It is an ascending journey of CONSCIOUS AWARENESS back to the light.


7/16/23 - To die or not to die - The Antahkarana

The Antahkarana is the new more refined solar self (soul) coming thru. I've been doing the 7 rainbow colors in the night (the Antahkarana) and feel good upon getting up. I feel clear-brained, not dizzy. It is the better way. More refined. I received the word “betterment” a few days ago and received the word Antahkarana yesterday. I’d heard it before and have been working with it all night. There is a thread of consciousness which is connected to it, IS the thread of consciousness I suspect, or is the kundalini thread. I'm not sure at this point. I’ve been on its trail. The other thread is the thread to form, to the physical body. They are two distinct threads or aspects to me. I am the soul coming out into dominance over the physical matter body. My body is the ignorant personality trying to die, a temporary personality. I’ve had many personalities. And again, it is time to die. The body has only so much time given to it. I am both the body and the soul. There has been confusion over this. Who am I? What should I do? Should I give in or should I resist the dying? There are many advisors. Who do I listen to?

I’ve been the soul all along, living this life through this body as the Nancy personality, not knowing but learning. Now its time is over, time for the body to die. But I have been learning how spirit functions in the body. I know spiritual laws and spiritual knowledge. I am read up on the matter and the purpose for human embodiment. I haven’t experienced the death process quite like this before. I’ve experienced many past lives but this time I’m more aware. I’ve got a better understanding, a better grip on it. It’s becoming clearer than ever. I am closer than ever. I have learned something. I have learned that there is far more to experience by sticking with the body and living divinely through the body, than by giving up the ghost and starting all over again in a new baby body. The soul/spirit in me knows better. I’ve reached the point of knowing. I know how to apply the laws. The seven colors of the Antahkarana, the rainbow bridge. This was the last piece of information I received over the last two nights. I have been through the seven dimensions. I’ve been instructed. I’ve been guided. The only thing I needed was to make the transition myself. It was mine to do. I am ready now. This is the big switch-over! These are my thoughts today. Should I?