Anakosha
Integrating sex and spirituality in the lifestyle
Hosting private parties
Many people are hesitant to give a lifestyle house party, but we suggest that you think of it as any normal cocktail party you would give for friends. You socialize, mix and mingle, get to know folks and allow natural attraction to take place. There is usually a potluck dinner with everyone bringing a dish, and afterwards people pair off with each other, going into to bedrooms instead of playing cards. These parties are a lot more fun, but you need to invite the right people or it will backfire on you. Being a host puts the responsibility on you to do the screening.
When you are planning to host a party of your own, don't compare your party with anybody else's party. Take some of their ideas but modify them to suit your own preferences, likes and dislikes. Your house layout is important to consider. Most party hosts don't realize how much their guests look to them for leadership and guidance while they are there. Be sure to show them around to each room and where the bathrooms are. Explain the protocol of each room. Is it a private room? Or a group room where people are permitted to join another couple?
Teach them where you keep certain things like towels, dishes, spoons, because women like to pitch in and help in the kitchen. By doing this, you are giving them permission to help themselves and you don't have to be the ultimate servant and wait on them. Your guests will do as you ask. You might jot down some of the things you want to remember to tell them. What you tell them will help form the party. You are not just hosting a party, you are creating a party. It's your design, your selection of people, your music, your ideas for lighting (high, medium, low), your theme, your agenda for the evening.
It's your own unique combinations of energy and personalities, that will be remembered as your party. Understand the fine line of being a responsible host and being a guest at your own party. You are not there to entertain them. You are providing the physical location, the permission, and the protection from outsiders. But beyond that, you don't have to hover over them like a mother hen or a father cock. They will feel that and won't like it. Let them go free. They will entertain themselves. The less you hover over them the more fun they'll have.
Set it all up in advance and when it is party time, switch caps and become a guest. Let your hair down and be the first into the bedroom. They will follow your example. Your house doesn't have to be big or fancy or rich. And it doesn't have to be suitably modest or middle class. It's just your house. It stands on its own. It represents you. Don't ever be embarrassed by your house. We used to rotate parties where most of the hosts had big houses, but one couple had a one-bedroom trailer in a nudist camp. I had more fun at that trailer than at all the other houses. Love your house for what it is. Dress it up. Put a smile on its face, fill it with happy people and see the fun you'll have in it.
Who to invite
Invite only those people you know, or those who come recommended by those you know. Strangers are a risk to a lifestyle party because you don't know how they will respond. There is an emotional charge to jealousy, envy and fear. You don't want that to surface at your parties. We gave orientations before allowing people to attend one of our parties. One way of screening a couple is to meet them at a coffee shop or some neutral location to get to know them. Even then, you can't be sure, but it's a quick way to interview. For those you know, invitations can be by telephone or email or snail mail. Ask for a commitment, a yes or no. Don't invite singles to a couples party. Maybe one coming as a guest of a couple. Most couples are put off by singles. Traditional lifestyle parties are couples only. Better to match up the single person with another single person of opposite gender.
Cut off the time for arriving
Tell invited guests what the cut-off time is for their arrival, so you can lock your doors and have fun too. You don't want to have to sit up until 11 or 12 midnight, waiting for a knock on the door. Don't ever leave your front door unlocked unattended, with a house full of partially clad people roaming around and having sex.
How many beds do you need?
Plan on one bed or floor mat for every two couples. Anything less and you will have impatient guests on your hands. If this is a new lifestyle for you, you must remember that people are coming for sex, not just to talk. For example, if you are planning on six couples, have three bed spaces. Eight couples, four bed spaces. Twelve couples, six bed spaces. But if you are having a four couple party you should have four bed spaces because all four couples will probably hang together socially, and then all want to go into bedrooms at the same time. The smaller the party, the more they hang together. The larger the party the looser it becomes. A three couple party is not a good idea because the risk is too high that one primary couple will be left sitting alone by themselves.
Do you need a group room?
If you have over 5 or 6 couples set one room aside for a group room, which should have at least two mats side by side, if not more. Tell everybody that that is the group room, which means anyone can go in there and join in. Provide some guidance for sensitivity, and put a sign on the door so there is no mistaking what sort of activity goes on there. Newcomers need to be advised of the etiquette in a group room, otherwise they won't know how to use it. A loud and boisterous person charging into the group room will disrupt it and could destroy the whole party. A group room is mostly non-talking, or if talking, then whispering or happy moans. Be sure and put pillows on all mats.
Supplement beds with foam mats
Unless you have enough beds in your house, use mats on the floor to supplement beds. Not air mats, these don't work very well. We've tried and people complain about them. Arms and legs hit the floor beneath the mat, and it is unstable for balancing. Call around to mattress stores and ask if you can purchase plain foam mats from them about four inches thick, queen or double size. If they come without covers, they will be less expensive. However, you will need to consider where you're going to store them. We kept our extra mats in one of the little bedrooms upstairs, which made the room unusable as a guest room. It is a good idea to have a few extra bottom sheets out in the hallway or somewhere obvious, and a hamper, in case there is an accident. Sometimes sheets need changing mid-party. It happens and nobody likes to have to look up the hostess to ask where a clean sheet can be found, or worse, to walk away from a soiled sheet and leave it for the next person.
Parking
If you have a limited amount of parking space, tell people over the phone where to park. Some party hosts even have a person parking the cars and keeping the keys so they can move a car if necessary to let somebody out without disturbing the owner of the blocking car. If you have plenty of land to park on, direct them to where to park and what door to come in, and whether to walk right in or ring the bell. For example, we are often out back in the pool and can't tell when guests arrive. We want them to walk in so we will put a sign on the front door, “Come on in, we’re out back by the pool.”
Personal belongings area
Set aside one area in the house for people to put their bags and personal belongings, and show them to this spot right away, immediately, so they can get rid of their luggage. This area should not be in a bedroom because the bedroom will more than likely be in use at all times, and the luggage will therefore be inaccessible to them during the party. We use plastic stack shelves in the office off the kitchen, since no mats are in there. Each couple gets a shelf for their belongings. They are told, "You own this space for as long as you are here." You can also use a small storage area or foyer hallway closet, or corner of the living room. I have been to many parties where the host didn't tell you where to put your things, and we were left wondering what to do. It helps in building trust to guide your guests where to put their clothes. They look to you for direction. In early days before organized parties, nobody told us what to do so we would just strip out of our clothes and put them behind a chair or a plant in the living room. But, again, an assigned area gives your guests a safe and protected feeling. They have their own little place in your home to call their own
Bathrooms
Provide plenty of washcloths (and I mean plenty) and a plastic bucket on the floor for dirty washcloths to be thrown into so they aren't re-used. Plan on a good load of laundry the next day. But it is worth it for the fun you'll have from giving to others. It is a precious and rare gift that you are giving to people - permission to be open, free and sexual without pressure. Go that extra mile and you'll feel pleased with yourself. Guests really do like the little hygiene things. You should tell them they can use the shower too. Towels: I found that providing a stack of towels helps, because even though you ask people to bring their own, often they forget.
Toiletries to provide
Basic necessities are bar soap or liquid soap in the bathroom for washing hands and mouth, mouthwash, kleenex, skin lotion, shampoo, hair conditioner and toothpaste. Most people won‘t use these things, but it‘s nice to offer it. Experienced swingers bring their own toiletry bag. Perhaps a brush and hairspray. It's up to you whether you want to provide condoms and disposible douches. We did. The more items in the bathroom that are available, the clearer the message: be clean, be groomed, smell nice, be attractive. This is not only for the sake of physical hygiene. One feels clean mentally, emotionally and spiritually when they are physically groomed and clean. You know how you feel when you shower, dress and preen to go out.
What to serve for food
Most house parties are potluck. Hosts ask people to bring a dish for the table because it's not a commercial venture and they are not going to make money on the party. Private lifestyle parties can do it other ways too. Some regular party givers ask for a set donation and provide all the food themselves, either catered or home-prepared. Others will just put snacks out. Some provide the whole meal themselves if they have the means to do so. But it's traditional to ask people to bring a dish. It makes it social. Parties are always BYOB (bring your own bottle). This has been traditional over the years but be sure and tell them, "bring a dish and your own bottle" if that‘s what you want them to do. If you want to provide all the food, you certainly can, but tell your guests. As the hosts, you will need to provide the non-alcoholic drinks, coffee, water and a small selection of sodas or juices. Plus a dish or two of your own. To have a balanced buffet, ask people what they plan to bring to make sure you don't have all desserts or all Kentucky Fried Chicken as we have had happen to us on occasion. Table setup should have forks, spoons, knives, napkins, large paper plates and small paper plates for dessert.
Alcohol and bar
It is important to have a bar area set up, with an ice bucket, corkscrew, plastic glasses and a selection of colas. Again, tell your guests where the bar is. I’ve been to private parties where the hosts didn’t show me the bar and all night long, I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to use their colas or not. Hosts seldom provide alcohol, so I didn't dare tap their wine bottle. So be sure and show your guests around and explain the layout to them. It is appropriate to remind someone not to drink too much. Some party hosts don't even allow alcohol because it can be a source of trouble. A drunk person will always disrupt a party by making loud, obnoxious noises and gestures and will bring your party down fast. This is usually not a problem if you know the people. It gets to be a problem when there are strangers in the group who are trying to fit in, are nervous and so they drink too much to relieve the tension. I'd rather relieve the tension by preparing them beforehand. Some people will arrive with their own coolers, so plan a space for three or four coolers.
Mood lighting
Low lighting is important for a sensual mood. I’ve been to parties where there were bright lights on for the first half of the evening and sometimes they were never turned down. A man won't think of these things. Let the woman organize the mood lighting. Walk around your house and plan for the seductive lighting. Start out the party with normal lighting in the social areas, but not too bright, and then dim them down slowly as you approach party time. You can use candles, fairy lights (little Christmas lights), night lights or colored light bulbs. Have your bedroom areas all pre-lit with low lighting so you won't have to remember to turn them all on later.
Background music
Music is always a problem at a party because you can't please everybody's taste or mood, so best to keep it low. There will be people who want to turn up the music and dance, but if you are not running a dance club in a commercial zone, better not do that. The neighbors might hear and report you to the police. Plus others want to converse if this is truly a swing party. They came to engage seductively and sensually. A dance club is a whole other story. Choice of music should be sensual. Some younger couples might ask for rock, others for elevator, others for classical, others for new age, others for country, others for jazz. The absolute best music for a swing party is sensual music. I call it belly-rubbing music. There is no category for it, but it reverberates down low in your belly. It's earthy, lusty, grounding and hypnotic, like the pulse of the earth. There's a rhythmic beat to it. This gets people into the mood. This music will be the most popular. They will love it. It's the kind of music that makes you want to dance really close with your lover and get into the zone with. If your house is wired for speakers, put something like this on for the whole night. If not, put a radio or boom box in each of the bedrooms and pre-select the station or the CD. Music gets people in the mood.
Porn movies?
No way. Don't play porn at your parties. Bad idea. Don't play the TV either. Porn is a man thing, not a woman thing. Woman don't like to see porn. To women it's disgusting and a classic example of male chauvinism. We are trying to bring MORE women into the lifestyle, not turn them away. If you want women at your party don't play porn. Be the porn yourself. Now, if you personally need to see porn to get turned on, set it up somewhere out of sight of your guests. And you better ask the lady you bring into that secret den of yours if she's OK with it, because if you spring it on her by surprise your reputation will go down hill fast. If you have ever seen a swing party fizzle out because the men are in one room watching porn, while the women are in another room swapping recipes - you'll never do that again. I've seen it. Couples come to swing parties for real live action, not fake.
Smoking or non-smoking
Smoking is disappearing from today's culture, so this is not a big factor any more. But there are some hold-outs for smoking. We know a club owners who smoke and they continued to allow smoking in their home during parties until this year. Finally they got the hint. Most people do not want to be around a smoke-filled haze. If you as the hosts still smoke, plan to remove all ashtrays and signs of smoke from your house. Go outdoors to smoke. I know couples who refuse to go to parties in a house with the smell of smoke still hanging in the air. And remember incense is smoke. There are people are allergic to incense for that reason.
Introductions prior to the party
I am absolutely amazed how many party hosts do NOT introduce their guests to each other, or even introduce themselves. Do plan on introductions. Go out of your way to introduce yourself as the host, both of you - man and woman. Get everyone in the living room after dinner and introduce yourself again to the gathered group. This tells everyone that you are the leaders. If you don't want to be the leaders, don't host a party. They need you to set the rules. Announce the few house rules that you have, and tell them about the bedrooms, which ones are for private (no joining) and which ones are for group activity (OK to join). At this time, go around the room and ask everyone to give their name. You can make it fun and chatty, telling a few stories about those you know. Facilitate interaction. It makes the atmosphere lighter and easier. Again, I am amazed that most party hosts don't want to do this, I'm not sure why. Guests want to know whose house it is, what the host and hostess are like, you will be noticed. You are important. You can't hide from this role if you are the one giving the party. If a host does not come forward and greet me each time I arrive, it feels as if I’m in a stranger’s house and they don't care about me. If I’m not introduced to at least a few people, I may as well stay home. The result is that I am meeting strangers naked in the hallways and bathrooms, and it feels awkward. They don't know how to approach me and I don't know how to approach them. Who are these people? It is a good idea to let each person speak for themself, especially the woman. A husband should not speak for the wife, and the wife should not speak for the husband. So they can reveal what they want to about themselves, and whether they party together or separate. If they are new to this lifestyle they may want to say that. And where they are from, or if they are selective, or if they have conditions on themselves or their partner, or if they are bi-sexual, or if they are accepting of all ages or not. That kind of thing. This kind of introduction and information-sharing will go a long way to break the ice and bring your guests closer together intimately. They will trust each other better because they have information. The party will flow more smoothly and be warmer.
Private encounter rooms vs. group rooms
The mats or bed in the private room is what is private, not the room itself. Nobody should join in or interrupt an encounter on any mat or bed in a private room. That mat is sacred. Some people just can't focus well when there is a third or fourth person in bed with them. Most activity is one-on-one for this reason. Doors are generally left open, unless it is near a noisy lighted area, like a kitchen. Then the doors are permitted closed, but never locked. It is considered important in this lifestyle that a husband or wife should always have access to their mates, just in case jealousy, insecurity or illness should arise.
Semi-private rooms
This is what we call a room with two or three beds or mats in it, where a couple or threesome or foursome can go and lie down and feel they are safe and won't be interfered with. Each bed or mat in there is private. It's only called semi-private because of the more than one mat. It's not to be confused with a group room which is explained below. A single individual cannot come into a semi-private room and join a scene already in passionate action, the way he can in a group room. It's important to inform your guests during the introduction circle not to interfere with a scene underway in a semi-private room. Because it may break the love connection and cause bad feelings. I have seen such interruptions happen and bad feelings result from it. Sometimes even fights.
The group room
A group room is usually several mats together on the floor. But it could be a king-size bed. The rules of the group room are, You can join but approach gently with respect. Start out by softly touching a hand or foot first, to see if you are accepted. If not, accept No for an answer. You don't have rights in a group room, you have opportunities. If there are mats on the floor, kneel down so you're on their level. The recipients will make hand gestures or a nod of the head to let you know if you're welcome or not wanted. If you are accepted, move in a little more, but without pushing someone else aside. Sometimes we start our group room with a sensual but non-sexual stroking session, usually with a woman in the center of a circle of men and women, and invite anyone to join who wants to. It’s a nice way to introduce new or shy people to a group situation. We start with a woman being the recipient first because both men and women will stroke her. If we put a man in the middle, most other men will not stroke him. This session is not long because people turn on to each other and start to break away into one-on-one encounters, right there in the group room. So after 10 or 20 minutes, there are several separate groups as the sexual energy takes over. The massaging is a good way to begin a party, but it's spontaneous, not structured. If you can maintain the massage non-sexual for 10, 15 or 30 minutes, there will be a buildup of sexual energy that will automatically reach a maximum point and spill over, without anyone having to make a conscious decision.
How to act as hosts
The lady of the house is going to prove your best asset. It is her job to give permission. People will look to her to make sure everything is OK. We all know that men are OK with sex, but we don't know about women because too many women hide their real feelings. For the sake of the party, the hostess has to have fun. I, as the hostess, was always told to be the first one down, and others would follow my lead. It's true. I've been at parties where the hostess was not feeling well and all the other women stayed in the kitchen offering sympathy. Nobody partied! I enjoyed being the leader and going to the bedroom first. It got me out of my hostess role. Soon other women were following my lead and going off with the men. I gave them permission by my actions. It's important that the hostess not to be seen working too hard, like a servant. It will draw other women into "helping". It pulls the party down. Now, this might not be easy. Maybe a woman is not ready to play hostess and party herself. You need to talk about this and come up with a conscientious game plan if you want to host. Either get everything done before the guests arrive, or find someone else to do the work for you.
Sex toys
There are quite a variety of toys to stimulate out there today, and even more being invented every day. We will restrict our discussion to the milder forms of toys and not venture into the fringe toys like B&D. Guests will bring their own toys and lubricants normally in little pouches they carry with them into the bedrooms. We might mention the Hitachi Magic Wand here since it is a very popular vibrator which women love. It has a rubber head and two speeds, high and low. This is normally held by the woman on the root of the clitoris. Many women can't reach orgasm without help, and this seems to satisfy a lot of women. You don't need to provide sex toys at parties, but I recommend providing lubricant because women don’t lubricate on command, just as men cannot achieve an erection on command. Lubrication is very helpful to get things started.
Children and other family
Please don’t host lifestyle parties if you have minor children or other family living at home. Children are a risk. The Department of Children and Families would not approve and they can take children away if they find out that adult fun takes place in the home with children present. Even if the children are gone for the weekend, it’s risky because children are psychic and may tell others what they think they see. It is hard to fool a child. They pick up on what happens even after all physical evidence has been removed. One 5-year old child told her grandmother that there were naked people all through the house doing things on mats and she wasn't even there. But the story went around and the children were taken from the parents. If you do have children, try co-hosting another couple's parties and have just as much fun as your own with the added advantage of knowing your home and children are safe and secure. Also, if you have kids, figure out a way to keep your adult magazines, videos and toys inaccessible. DCF recognizes that adults have such things as long as they are locked away. I am sure you know how inventive, curious and knowledgeable young children are, especially about anything that throws adults into a titter. Also, no matter how much you think the lifestyle is decent, moral and healthy, you don't want to tell your mother, father, sister, brother, cousins, work associates or neighbors. Don't talk about it at all, except with those you meet inside the lifestyle itself and you know for sure that they are "one of us".
Cleaning up after the party
Don't start cleaning the kitchen while guests are still partying unless you want to signal “the party is over“. The clatter of dishes and hustle and bustle is like ringing a gong. Wait until the party has died a natural death, and even then I prefer to linger in the glow until the last person is gone. Then crash. There's nothing wrong with waiting until morning to clean up. Protect this beautiful sacred space where so much is happening. This type of celebration is a rare enough event that, once the energy is flowing, it is wise not to cut it off but let it ebb slowly away on its own. There is a very special energy here. A good party is a beautiful thing to behold with so much sharing taking place.
Group dynamics
Each party takes on a dynamic all its own but it is predictable how a party will evolve through the high-energy social cocktail hour stage, to the eating or munching stage, to the after-dinner anticipation stage, to the dressing-down stage, to the pairing off and going into the bedroom stage. A small party of three to five couples will be more cohesive and move together as a group, from after dinner to partying to after-partying conversation. They will more or less all be in the social area together and start pairing up after dinner together. So, if you have a three to five couple party, you'll need the same number of mats or one couple will feel left out and unable to lie down. But if you have nine or ten couples or more, they will tend to separate out into smaller groupings. Some will be in bedrooms while others are not. The more people you have, the more socializing time you will see. Be sure to have enough chairs for everyone. I’ve been to parties where there were not enough chairs and it’s very awkward.
Giving your guests rules of behavior
Most party hosts don't like to give rules at their parties because they falsely assume that everybody already knows everything there is to know about sex and parties. Whether they do or don‘t, in your house they are waiting for YOUR rules of behavior. They need to know who the hosts are, and how trustworthy they are in supporting them. They will look to you for permission and enforcement should anything go wrong. I have found that most party hosts are afraid to be authority figures. They have bought into the illusion that sex parties are free-for-all's and need to be free of rules. No authorities wanted. This is the pendulum swing from the far right of strict control to the far left of total freedom. So it is understandable. However, this is a new environment and guests are seeking direction so they don't break any rules of etiquette. They need your guidance. Trust me. You may not see this, but it's true. Especially, new couples to the lifestyle want and need a leader to look to for guidance. If there is no leadership, they will throw caution to the wind and follow the crowd, which may not be right. For example, a person might see someone enter a bedroom not knowing it's a private room. He observes this man watching a couple making love for a while, then climb into bed with them which is a no-no. He observes the couple accepting this behavior and he goes away thinking that this is how it's done. He may do the same thing but he would be wrong and get into trouble. It’s a long-standing lifestyle rule not to join in with a couple or threesome on a bed in a private area. While some people might like to be joined like that, maybe they were in just the right mood to receive him or her, but how would you know? Others would resent the intrusion. That is the reason for having private rooms in the first place. The long and short of it is, give your party guests some direction. Explain which rooms are the private rooms and what that means - no joining in - and which room is the group room and what that means (you can join).
On giving sexual permission
This has to be continually repeated and the hostess is the one that has more power to give permission than the man host. We all look to the woman of the house for signs that she approves. After all she's the woman of the house. If she is happy, we are happy. If she is sullen, we walk softly. The woman is the one who sometimes gives the sense that she is only doing this for her husband and underneath, does not want to be here. The best way for a hostess to give sexual permission is to truly feel sexual and happy about herself. Before agreeing to host parties, as a woman you need to be prepared for mood swings. Women have them. Be true to yourself, and sexual fun is an honest sport. Face your inner fears and doubt about it. Flirting and showing seductive signs of enjoyment is a good way to start the party, but not if it's against your will. Don't pretend. A good way to give permission is to arrange a safe man to go with you into a bedroom, whether you want to have sex or not. Just tell him up front that you need someone to hug but you're not in the mood for anything more. When you start to focus on someone or go off to a bedroom with someone, you will be giving permission to the others. Either the host or the hostess starts the party by going into a bedroom with someone or announcing “It‘s party time!” So go for it. You as the woman are going to really enjoy this party. Over the years we always started the party with a hugging circle, and then we said, "It's party time” which worked very well. Also I would sometimes announce, "Does anyone want to join me for a stroking circle in the group room?"
When the party starts to fade
Depending on the age of the guests, the party will start to fade around 11 for older folks, 12 or 1 for younger folks, and 2 or 3 or later for the really young couples. It also depends on the dynamics and how exciting the exchanges are. After the first round of sexual encounters there is a noticeable crowding into the social area for something to eat. Mixing, mingling, striking up new connections takes a little while and then the social areas thin out and the bedrooms fill up again. The older couples may not want more than one or two encounters and then call it a night; middle age couples may stick around for three encounters and the younger couples for four or more. It all depends on physical stamina. Depending on the group, it may take a concerted effort to get the second round of partying started, to keep the energy up and going. Party people need continual support, guidance, expressions of encouragement and permission to keep them going. Older couples tend to lapse into "straight world" thinking. It is just habit. It is not easy for people to become sensually liberated and remain that way. As party hosts, you should be ever aware of your group's dynamics and when it starts to run down, do something. This is where the sexy stud or sexy Susie come in handy to start a new wave of energy going.
Playing games as icebreakers
New party hosts think in terms of playing erotic games to get the sexual action started, but I think more in terms of massaging, stroking, hugging circles and more intimate contact activities. Everybody has a different opinion. What do you prefer? Frivolous games lighten the mood and bring laughter and joy, while massage and hugging brings people into close sensual contact - good for lovemaking. If you want laughing and joking, play games. If you want sensual lovemaking, do group massage. How do you want your party to be? You are the leader.
Screening couples for invitations
If you are going to host a party you will need to decide on who to invite. You are your own screening control. If you don't know a couple but you have come into contact with them, or they have been proposed to you by friends, you must decide. Should you let them come solely based on your friends' say-so? Or should you call them, complete strangers, and ask them questions over the phone or by email. I have seen couples bring another couple to a party by meeting them only last week at a club. Then it turns out they are not even a couple, or they have not had any experience other than the clug. I suggest you call them and talk to them or email them and strike up a conversation to get a feel. It's your party, you don't want it to be ruined by an unknown factor. Maybe they attended a club ten years ago and sat in the hot tub all night long, never touching another person except each other, and now they call themselves swingers. Talk to the woman, she will have a harder time lying even if her husband is trying to tell you differently because he wants in so bad.
A good screening method
A good way to find out about a couple goes like this (take notes now): (1) Are you part of a couple? Answer: yes. (2) Is your wife there? Answer: No, she's gone shopping. At this point most people would say, "Well, stop right there. Call me back later when your wife is home" and hang up. But I've learned that many men investigate the lifestyle alone to gain information and then report back to the wife, so I would continue with (3) Do you live together? Answer: yes. (4) Are you married? Answer: yes. (5) How long? Answer: 10 years. (6) Have you had any experience in the lifestyle? Answer: Yes. (7) Did you swap with another couple? Answer: Well, (pause) and then you hear him stumble over his words. This is the first sign of caution, where you start to get some of truth. (8) Did you get together with another couple? Answer: Wll, we met them and talked and then we went into the back part of the club but my wife, etc., etc. A story follows. Now during the telling of the story I am picking up feelings. My instincts are telling me the truth more than his words are. I continue to ask questions, "Did you actually have sex with the other couple? Answer: I did but my wife wanted to leave. She wasn't feeling good. (9) How did your wife feel the next day? Answer: mumble. By this time you know for sure that you want to talk to the wife and ask him to call you back when she gets home. If she's there and she gets on the phone, you can tell whether or not she's on the same page with her husband or not. This might sound like a pretty intense interrogation, but it is important to dig out the truth if you're going to let perfect strangers come into your house where there is nudity and sex going on. Also you want them to sign a privacy agreement just in case they are police or TV reporters with hidden cameras. Use our privacy agreement as a model. Have them sign it. They are the ones needing you, not you them. They are, in effect, applying for an invitation to your party. You had better get to know them.
Problem situations
Even after all of these questions and you feel comfortable to invite them based on that one telephone call or several emails, you still have not met them. You haven't seen how they act with each other, or felt their level of tension or love. One or the other could break out into a jealous rage. One of them could drink too much because they are nervous and become obnoxious. The wife could take off in an angry state, leaving her husband there alone. Or run out into the street in her lingerie. I've seen this happen. The husband could get so jealous that he throws a punch at another man. I've seen these this happen too. We got really good at weeding out potential problem couples. On the other hand, loving, caring, personal hand-holding goes a long way to calm a nervous new couple down. They are scared, insecure and nervous, and have no experience moving around in a sexually free environment. They need explanations of how the lifestyle works. Rules help them to relax. That's why more clubs are starting to have mandatory orientations, which they didn't do 10 or 15 years ago. Don't try to accommodate too many newbies into an experienced party. One in ten is okay but better to send them to an Anakosha discussion & potluck. They need to listen and learn in a fully-clothed discussion circle first. Then invite them to a party.
When you are planning to host a party of your own, don't compare your party with anybody else's party. Take some of their ideas but modify them to suit your own preferences, likes and dislikes. Your house layout is important to consider. Most party hosts don't realize how much their guests look to them for leadership and guidance while they are there. Be sure to show them around to each room and where the bathrooms are. Explain the protocol of each room. Is it a private room? Or a group room where people are permitted to join another couple?
Teach them where you keep certain things like towels, dishes, spoons, because women like to pitch in and help in the kitchen. By doing this, you are giving them permission to help themselves and you don't have to be the ultimate servant and wait on them. Your guests will do as you ask. You might jot down some of the things you want to remember to tell them. What you tell them will help form the party. You are not just hosting a party, you are creating a party. It's your design, your selection of people, your music, your ideas for lighting (high, medium, low), your theme, your agenda for the evening.
It's your own unique combinations of energy and personalities, that will be remembered as your party. Understand the fine line of being a responsible host and being a guest at your own party. You are not there to entertain them. You are providing the physical location, the permission, and the protection from outsiders. But beyond that, you don't have to hover over them like a mother hen or a father cock. They will feel that and won't like it. Let them go free. They will entertain themselves. The less you hover over them the more fun they'll have.
Set it all up in advance and when it is party time, switch caps and become a guest. Let your hair down and be the first into the bedroom. They will follow your example. Your house doesn't have to be big or fancy or rich. And it doesn't have to be suitably modest or middle class. It's just your house. It stands on its own. It represents you. Don't ever be embarrassed by your house. We used to rotate parties where most of the hosts had big houses, but one couple had a one-bedroom trailer in a nudist camp. I had more fun at that trailer than at all the other houses. Love your house for what it is. Dress it up. Put a smile on its face, fill it with happy people and see the fun you'll have in it.
Who to invite
Invite only those people you know, or those who come recommended by those you know. Strangers are a risk to a lifestyle party because you don't know how they will respond. There is an emotional charge to jealousy, envy and fear. You don't want that to surface at your parties. We gave orientations before allowing people to attend one of our parties. One way of screening a couple is to meet them at a coffee shop or some neutral location to get to know them. Even then, you can't be sure, but it's a quick way to interview. For those you know, invitations can be by telephone or email or snail mail. Ask for a commitment, a yes or no. Don't invite singles to a couples party. Maybe one coming as a guest of a couple. Most couples are put off by singles. Traditional lifestyle parties are couples only. Better to match up the single person with another single person of opposite gender.
Cut off the time for arriving
Tell invited guests what the cut-off time is for their arrival, so you can lock your doors and have fun too. You don't want to have to sit up until 11 or 12 midnight, waiting for a knock on the door. Don't ever leave your front door unlocked unattended, with a house full of partially clad people roaming around and having sex.
How many beds do you need?
Plan on one bed or floor mat for every two couples. Anything less and you will have impatient guests on your hands. If this is a new lifestyle for you, you must remember that people are coming for sex, not just to talk. For example, if you are planning on six couples, have three bed spaces. Eight couples, four bed spaces. Twelve couples, six bed spaces. But if you are having a four couple party you should have four bed spaces because all four couples will probably hang together socially, and then all want to go into bedrooms at the same time. The smaller the party, the more they hang together. The larger the party the looser it becomes. A three couple party is not a good idea because the risk is too high that one primary couple will be left sitting alone by themselves.
Do you need a group room?
If you have over 5 or 6 couples set one room aside for a group room, which should have at least two mats side by side, if not more. Tell everybody that that is the group room, which means anyone can go in there and join in. Provide some guidance for sensitivity, and put a sign on the door so there is no mistaking what sort of activity goes on there. Newcomers need to be advised of the etiquette in a group room, otherwise they won't know how to use it. A loud and boisterous person charging into the group room will disrupt it and could destroy the whole party. A group room is mostly non-talking, or if talking, then whispering or happy moans. Be sure and put pillows on all mats.
Supplement beds with foam mats
Unless you have enough beds in your house, use mats on the floor to supplement beds. Not air mats, these don't work very well. We've tried and people complain about them. Arms and legs hit the floor beneath the mat, and it is unstable for balancing. Call around to mattress stores and ask if you can purchase plain foam mats from them about four inches thick, queen or double size. If they come without covers, they will be less expensive. However, you will need to consider where you're going to store them. We kept our extra mats in one of the little bedrooms upstairs, which made the room unusable as a guest room. It is a good idea to have a few extra bottom sheets out in the hallway or somewhere obvious, and a hamper, in case there is an accident. Sometimes sheets need changing mid-party. It happens and nobody likes to have to look up the hostess to ask where a clean sheet can be found, or worse, to walk away from a soiled sheet and leave it for the next person.
Parking
If you have a limited amount of parking space, tell people over the phone where to park. Some party hosts even have a person parking the cars and keeping the keys so they can move a car if necessary to let somebody out without disturbing the owner of the blocking car. If you have plenty of land to park on, direct them to where to park and what door to come in, and whether to walk right in or ring the bell. For example, we are often out back in the pool and can't tell when guests arrive. We want them to walk in so we will put a sign on the front door, “Come on in, we’re out back by the pool.”
Personal belongings area
Set aside one area in the house for people to put their bags and personal belongings, and show them to this spot right away, immediately, so they can get rid of their luggage. This area should not be in a bedroom because the bedroom will more than likely be in use at all times, and the luggage will therefore be inaccessible to them during the party. We use plastic stack shelves in the office off the kitchen, since no mats are in there. Each couple gets a shelf for their belongings. They are told, "You own this space for as long as you are here." You can also use a small storage area or foyer hallway closet, or corner of the living room. I have been to many parties where the host didn't tell you where to put your things, and we were left wondering what to do. It helps in building trust to guide your guests where to put their clothes. They look to you for direction. In early days before organized parties, nobody told us what to do so we would just strip out of our clothes and put them behind a chair or a plant in the living room. But, again, an assigned area gives your guests a safe and protected feeling. They have their own little place in your home to call their own
Bathrooms
Provide plenty of washcloths (and I mean plenty) and a plastic bucket on the floor for dirty washcloths to be thrown into so they aren't re-used. Plan on a good load of laundry the next day. But it is worth it for the fun you'll have from giving to others. It is a precious and rare gift that you are giving to people - permission to be open, free and sexual without pressure. Go that extra mile and you'll feel pleased with yourself. Guests really do like the little hygiene things. You should tell them they can use the shower too. Towels: I found that providing a stack of towels helps, because even though you ask people to bring their own, often they forget.
Toiletries to provide
Basic necessities are bar soap or liquid soap in the bathroom for washing hands and mouth, mouthwash, kleenex, skin lotion, shampoo, hair conditioner and toothpaste. Most people won‘t use these things, but it‘s nice to offer it. Experienced swingers bring their own toiletry bag. Perhaps a brush and hairspray. It's up to you whether you want to provide condoms and disposible douches. We did. The more items in the bathroom that are available, the clearer the message: be clean, be groomed, smell nice, be attractive. This is not only for the sake of physical hygiene. One feels clean mentally, emotionally and spiritually when they are physically groomed and clean. You know how you feel when you shower, dress and preen to go out.
What to serve for food
Most house parties are potluck. Hosts ask people to bring a dish for the table because it's not a commercial venture and they are not going to make money on the party. Private lifestyle parties can do it other ways too. Some regular party givers ask for a set donation and provide all the food themselves, either catered or home-prepared. Others will just put snacks out. Some provide the whole meal themselves if they have the means to do so. But it's traditional to ask people to bring a dish. It makes it social. Parties are always BYOB (bring your own bottle). This has been traditional over the years but be sure and tell them, "bring a dish and your own bottle" if that‘s what you want them to do. If you want to provide all the food, you certainly can, but tell your guests. As the hosts, you will need to provide the non-alcoholic drinks, coffee, water and a small selection of sodas or juices. Plus a dish or two of your own. To have a balanced buffet, ask people what they plan to bring to make sure you don't have all desserts or all Kentucky Fried Chicken as we have had happen to us on occasion. Table setup should have forks, spoons, knives, napkins, large paper plates and small paper plates for dessert.
Alcohol and bar
It is important to have a bar area set up, with an ice bucket, corkscrew, plastic glasses and a selection of colas. Again, tell your guests where the bar is. I’ve been to private parties where the hosts didn’t show me the bar and all night long, I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to use their colas or not. Hosts seldom provide alcohol, so I didn't dare tap their wine bottle. So be sure and show your guests around and explain the layout to them. It is appropriate to remind someone not to drink too much. Some party hosts don't even allow alcohol because it can be a source of trouble. A drunk person will always disrupt a party by making loud, obnoxious noises and gestures and will bring your party down fast. This is usually not a problem if you know the people. It gets to be a problem when there are strangers in the group who are trying to fit in, are nervous and so they drink too much to relieve the tension. I'd rather relieve the tension by preparing them beforehand. Some people will arrive with their own coolers, so plan a space for three or four coolers.
Mood lighting
Low lighting is important for a sensual mood. I’ve been to parties where there were bright lights on for the first half of the evening and sometimes they were never turned down. A man won't think of these things. Let the woman organize the mood lighting. Walk around your house and plan for the seductive lighting. Start out the party with normal lighting in the social areas, but not too bright, and then dim them down slowly as you approach party time. You can use candles, fairy lights (little Christmas lights), night lights or colored light bulbs. Have your bedroom areas all pre-lit with low lighting so you won't have to remember to turn them all on later.
Background music
Music is always a problem at a party because you can't please everybody's taste or mood, so best to keep it low. There will be people who want to turn up the music and dance, but if you are not running a dance club in a commercial zone, better not do that. The neighbors might hear and report you to the police. Plus others want to converse if this is truly a swing party. They came to engage seductively and sensually. A dance club is a whole other story. Choice of music should be sensual. Some younger couples might ask for rock, others for elevator, others for classical, others for new age, others for country, others for jazz. The absolute best music for a swing party is sensual music. I call it belly-rubbing music. There is no category for it, but it reverberates down low in your belly. It's earthy, lusty, grounding and hypnotic, like the pulse of the earth. There's a rhythmic beat to it. This gets people into the mood. This music will be the most popular. They will love it. It's the kind of music that makes you want to dance really close with your lover and get into the zone with. If your house is wired for speakers, put something like this on for the whole night. If not, put a radio or boom box in each of the bedrooms and pre-select the station or the CD. Music gets people in the mood.
Porn movies?
No way. Don't play porn at your parties. Bad idea. Don't play the TV either. Porn is a man thing, not a woman thing. Woman don't like to see porn. To women it's disgusting and a classic example of male chauvinism. We are trying to bring MORE women into the lifestyle, not turn them away. If you want women at your party don't play porn. Be the porn yourself. Now, if you personally need to see porn to get turned on, set it up somewhere out of sight of your guests. And you better ask the lady you bring into that secret den of yours if she's OK with it, because if you spring it on her by surprise your reputation will go down hill fast. If you have ever seen a swing party fizzle out because the men are in one room watching porn, while the women are in another room swapping recipes - you'll never do that again. I've seen it. Couples come to swing parties for real live action, not fake.
Smoking or non-smoking
Smoking is disappearing from today's culture, so this is not a big factor any more. But there are some hold-outs for smoking. We know a club owners who smoke and they continued to allow smoking in their home during parties until this year. Finally they got the hint. Most people do not want to be around a smoke-filled haze. If you as the hosts still smoke, plan to remove all ashtrays and signs of smoke from your house. Go outdoors to smoke. I know couples who refuse to go to parties in a house with the smell of smoke still hanging in the air. And remember incense is smoke. There are people are allergic to incense for that reason.
Introductions prior to the party
I am absolutely amazed how many party hosts do NOT introduce their guests to each other, or even introduce themselves. Do plan on introductions. Go out of your way to introduce yourself as the host, both of you - man and woman. Get everyone in the living room after dinner and introduce yourself again to the gathered group. This tells everyone that you are the leaders. If you don't want to be the leaders, don't host a party. They need you to set the rules. Announce the few house rules that you have, and tell them about the bedrooms, which ones are for private (no joining) and which ones are for group activity (OK to join). At this time, go around the room and ask everyone to give their name. You can make it fun and chatty, telling a few stories about those you know. Facilitate interaction. It makes the atmosphere lighter and easier. Again, I am amazed that most party hosts don't want to do this, I'm not sure why. Guests want to know whose house it is, what the host and hostess are like, you will be noticed. You are important. You can't hide from this role if you are the one giving the party. If a host does not come forward and greet me each time I arrive, it feels as if I’m in a stranger’s house and they don't care about me. If I’m not introduced to at least a few people, I may as well stay home. The result is that I am meeting strangers naked in the hallways and bathrooms, and it feels awkward. They don't know how to approach me and I don't know how to approach them. Who are these people? It is a good idea to let each person speak for themself, especially the woman. A husband should not speak for the wife, and the wife should not speak for the husband. So they can reveal what they want to about themselves, and whether they party together or separate. If they are new to this lifestyle they may want to say that. And where they are from, or if they are selective, or if they have conditions on themselves or their partner, or if they are bi-sexual, or if they are accepting of all ages or not. That kind of thing. This kind of introduction and information-sharing will go a long way to break the ice and bring your guests closer together intimately. They will trust each other better because they have information. The party will flow more smoothly and be warmer.
Private encounter rooms vs. group rooms
The mats or bed in the private room is what is private, not the room itself. Nobody should join in or interrupt an encounter on any mat or bed in a private room. That mat is sacred. Some people just can't focus well when there is a third or fourth person in bed with them. Most activity is one-on-one for this reason. Doors are generally left open, unless it is near a noisy lighted area, like a kitchen. Then the doors are permitted closed, but never locked. It is considered important in this lifestyle that a husband or wife should always have access to their mates, just in case jealousy, insecurity or illness should arise.
Semi-private rooms
This is what we call a room with two or three beds or mats in it, where a couple or threesome or foursome can go and lie down and feel they are safe and won't be interfered with. Each bed or mat in there is private. It's only called semi-private because of the more than one mat. It's not to be confused with a group room which is explained below. A single individual cannot come into a semi-private room and join a scene already in passionate action, the way he can in a group room. It's important to inform your guests during the introduction circle not to interfere with a scene underway in a semi-private room. Because it may break the love connection and cause bad feelings. I have seen such interruptions happen and bad feelings result from it. Sometimes even fights.
The group room
A group room is usually several mats together on the floor. But it could be a king-size bed. The rules of the group room are, You can join but approach gently with respect. Start out by softly touching a hand or foot first, to see if you are accepted. If not, accept No for an answer. You don't have rights in a group room, you have opportunities. If there are mats on the floor, kneel down so you're on their level. The recipients will make hand gestures or a nod of the head to let you know if you're welcome or not wanted. If you are accepted, move in a little more, but without pushing someone else aside. Sometimes we start our group room with a sensual but non-sexual stroking session, usually with a woman in the center of a circle of men and women, and invite anyone to join who wants to. It’s a nice way to introduce new or shy people to a group situation. We start with a woman being the recipient first because both men and women will stroke her. If we put a man in the middle, most other men will not stroke him. This session is not long because people turn on to each other and start to break away into one-on-one encounters, right there in the group room. So after 10 or 20 minutes, there are several separate groups as the sexual energy takes over. The massaging is a good way to begin a party, but it's spontaneous, not structured. If you can maintain the massage non-sexual for 10, 15 or 30 minutes, there will be a buildup of sexual energy that will automatically reach a maximum point and spill over, without anyone having to make a conscious decision.
How to act as hosts
The lady of the house is going to prove your best asset. It is her job to give permission. People will look to her to make sure everything is OK. We all know that men are OK with sex, but we don't know about women because too many women hide their real feelings. For the sake of the party, the hostess has to have fun. I, as the hostess, was always told to be the first one down, and others would follow my lead. It's true. I've been at parties where the hostess was not feeling well and all the other women stayed in the kitchen offering sympathy. Nobody partied! I enjoyed being the leader and going to the bedroom first. It got me out of my hostess role. Soon other women were following my lead and going off with the men. I gave them permission by my actions. It's important that the hostess not to be seen working too hard, like a servant. It will draw other women into "helping". It pulls the party down. Now, this might not be easy. Maybe a woman is not ready to play hostess and party herself. You need to talk about this and come up with a conscientious game plan if you want to host. Either get everything done before the guests arrive, or find someone else to do the work for you.
Sex toys
There are quite a variety of toys to stimulate out there today, and even more being invented every day. We will restrict our discussion to the milder forms of toys and not venture into the fringe toys like B&D. Guests will bring their own toys and lubricants normally in little pouches they carry with them into the bedrooms. We might mention the Hitachi Magic Wand here since it is a very popular vibrator which women love. It has a rubber head and two speeds, high and low. This is normally held by the woman on the root of the clitoris. Many women can't reach orgasm without help, and this seems to satisfy a lot of women. You don't need to provide sex toys at parties, but I recommend providing lubricant because women don’t lubricate on command, just as men cannot achieve an erection on command. Lubrication is very helpful to get things started.
Children and other family
Please don’t host lifestyle parties if you have minor children or other family living at home. Children are a risk. The Department of Children and Families would not approve and they can take children away if they find out that adult fun takes place in the home with children present. Even if the children are gone for the weekend, it’s risky because children are psychic and may tell others what they think they see. It is hard to fool a child. They pick up on what happens even after all physical evidence has been removed. One 5-year old child told her grandmother that there were naked people all through the house doing things on mats and she wasn't even there. But the story went around and the children were taken from the parents. If you do have children, try co-hosting another couple's parties and have just as much fun as your own with the added advantage of knowing your home and children are safe and secure. Also, if you have kids, figure out a way to keep your adult magazines, videos and toys inaccessible. DCF recognizes that adults have such things as long as they are locked away. I am sure you know how inventive, curious and knowledgeable young children are, especially about anything that throws adults into a titter. Also, no matter how much you think the lifestyle is decent, moral and healthy, you don't want to tell your mother, father, sister, brother, cousins, work associates or neighbors. Don't talk about it at all, except with those you meet inside the lifestyle itself and you know for sure that they are "one of us".
Cleaning up after the party
Don't start cleaning the kitchen while guests are still partying unless you want to signal “the party is over“. The clatter of dishes and hustle and bustle is like ringing a gong. Wait until the party has died a natural death, and even then I prefer to linger in the glow until the last person is gone. Then crash. There's nothing wrong with waiting until morning to clean up. Protect this beautiful sacred space where so much is happening. This type of celebration is a rare enough event that, once the energy is flowing, it is wise not to cut it off but let it ebb slowly away on its own. There is a very special energy here. A good party is a beautiful thing to behold with so much sharing taking place.
Group dynamics
Each party takes on a dynamic all its own but it is predictable how a party will evolve through the high-energy social cocktail hour stage, to the eating or munching stage, to the after-dinner anticipation stage, to the dressing-down stage, to the pairing off and going into the bedroom stage. A small party of three to five couples will be more cohesive and move together as a group, from after dinner to partying to after-partying conversation. They will more or less all be in the social area together and start pairing up after dinner together. So, if you have a three to five couple party, you'll need the same number of mats or one couple will feel left out and unable to lie down. But if you have nine or ten couples or more, they will tend to separate out into smaller groupings. Some will be in bedrooms while others are not. The more people you have, the more socializing time you will see. Be sure to have enough chairs for everyone. I’ve been to parties where there were not enough chairs and it’s very awkward.
Giving your guests rules of behavior
Most party hosts don't like to give rules at their parties because they falsely assume that everybody already knows everything there is to know about sex and parties. Whether they do or don‘t, in your house they are waiting for YOUR rules of behavior. They need to know who the hosts are, and how trustworthy they are in supporting them. They will look to you for permission and enforcement should anything go wrong. I have found that most party hosts are afraid to be authority figures. They have bought into the illusion that sex parties are free-for-all's and need to be free of rules. No authorities wanted. This is the pendulum swing from the far right of strict control to the far left of total freedom. So it is understandable. However, this is a new environment and guests are seeking direction so they don't break any rules of etiquette. They need your guidance. Trust me. You may not see this, but it's true. Especially, new couples to the lifestyle want and need a leader to look to for guidance. If there is no leadership, they will throw caution to the wind and follow the crowd, which may not be right. For example, a person might see someone enter a bedroom not knowing it's a private room. He observes this man watching a couple making love for a while, then climb into bed with them which is a no-no. He observes the couple accepting this behavior and he goes away thinking that this is how it's done. He may do the same thing but he would be wrong and get into trouble. It’s a long-standing lifestyle rule not to join in with a couple or threesome on a bed in a private area. While some people might like to be joined like that, maybe they were in just the right mood to receive him or her, but how would you know? Others would resent the intrusion. That is the reason for having private rooms in the first place. The long and short of it is, give your party guests some direction. Explain which rooms are the private rooms and what that means - no joining in - and which room is the group room and what that means (you can join).
On giving sexual permission
This has to be continually repeated and the hostess is the one that has more power to give permission than the man host. We all look to the woman of the house for signs that she approves. After all she's the woman of the house. If she is happy, we are happy. If she is sullen, we walk softly. The woman is the one who sometimes gives the sense that she is only doing this for her husband and underneath, does not want to be here. The best way for a hostess to give sexual permission is to truly feel sexual and happy about herself. Before agreeing to host parties, as a woman you need to be prepared for mood swings. Women have them. Be true to yourself, and sexual fun is an honest sport. Face your inner fears and doubt about it. Flirting and showing seductive signs of enjoyment is a good way to start the party, but not if it's against your will. Don't pretend. A good way to give permission is to arrange a safe man to go with you into a bedroom, whether you want to have sex or not. Just tell him up front that you need someone to hug but you're not in the mood for anything more. When you start to focus on someone or go off to a bedroom with someone, you will be giving permission to the others. Either the host or the hostess starts the party by going into a bedroom with someone or announcing “It‘s party time!” So go for it. You as the woman are going to really enjoy this party. Over the years we always started the party with a hugging circle, and then we said, "It's party time” which worked very well. Also I would sometimes announce, "Does anyone want to join me for a stroking circle in the group room?"
When the party starts to fade
Depending on the age of the guests, the party will start to fade around 11 for older folks, 12 or 1 for younger folks, and 2 or 3 or later for the really young couples. It also depends on the dynamics and how exciting the exchanges are. After the first round of sexual encounters there is a noticeable crowding into the social area for something to eat. Mixing, mingling, striking up new connections takes a little while and then the social areas thin out and the bedrooms fill up again. The older couples may not want more than one or two encounters and then call it a night; middle age couples may stick around for three encounters and the younger couples for four or more. It all depends on physical stamina. Depending on the group, it may take a concerted effort to get the second round of partying started, to keep the energy up and going. Party people need continual support, guidance, expressions of encouragement and permission to keep them going. Older couples tend to lapse into "straight world" thinking. It is just habit. It is not easy for people to become sensually liberated and remain that way. As party hosts, you should be ever aware of your group's dynamics and when it starts to run down, do something. This is where the sexy stud or sexy Susie come in handy to start a new wave of energy going.
Playing games as icebreakers
New party hosts think in terms of playing erotic games to get the sexual action started, but I think more in terms of massaging, stroking, hugging circles and more intimate contact activities. Everybody has a different opinion. What do you prefer? Frivolous games lighten the mood and bring laughter and joy, while massage and hugging brings people into close sensual contact - good for lovemaking. If you want laughing and joking, play games. If you want sensual lovemaking, do group massage. How do you want your party to be? You are the leader.
Screening couples for invitations
If you are going to host a party you will need to decide on who to invite. You are your own screening control. If you don't know a couple but you have come into contact with them, or they have been proposed to you by friends, you must decide. Should you let them come solely based on your friends' say-so? Or should you call them, complete strangers, and ask them questions over the phone or by email. I have seen couples bring another couple to a party by meeting them only last week at a club. Then it turns out they are not even a couple, or they have not had any experience other than the clug. I suggest you call them and talk to them or email them and strike up a conversation to get a feel. It's your party, you don't want it to be ruined by an unknown factor. Maybe they attended a club ten years ago and sat in the hot tub all night long, never touching another person except each other, and now they call themselves swingers. Talk to the woman, she will have a harder time lying even if her husband is trying to tell you differently because he wants in so bad.
A good screening method
A good way to find out about a couple goes like this (take notes now): (1) Are you part of a couple? Answer: yes. (2) Is your wife there? Answer: No, she's gone shopping. At this point most people would say, "Well, stop right there. Call me back later when your wife is home" and hang up. But I've learned that many men investigate the lifestyle alone to gain information and then report back to the wife, so I would continue with (3) Do you live together? Answer: yes. (4) Are you married? Answer: yes. (5) How long? Answer: 10 years. (6) Have you had any experience in the lifestyle? Answer: Yes. (7) Did you swap with another couple? Answer: Well, (pause) and then you hear him stumble over his words. This is the first sign of caution, where you start to get some of truth. (8) Did you get together with another couple? Answer: Wll, we met them and talked and then we went into the back part of the club but my wife, etc., etc. A story follows. Now during the telling of the story I am picking up feelings. My instincts are telling me the truth more than his words are. I continue to ask questions, "Did you actually have sex with the other couple? Answer: I did but my wife wanted to leave. She wasn't feeling good. (9) How did your wife feel the next day? Answer: mumble. By this time you know for sure that you want to talk to the wife and ask him to call you back when she gets home. If she's there and she gets on the phone, you can tell whether or not she's on the same page with her husband or not. This might sound like a pretty intense interrogation, but it is important to dig out the truth if you're going to let perfect strangers come into your house where there is nudity and sex going on. Also you want them to sign a privacy agreement just in case they are police or TV reporters with hidden cameras. Use our privacy agreement as a model. Have them sign it. They are the ones needing you, not you them. They are, in effect, applying for an invitation to your party. You had better get to know them.
Problem situations
Even after all of these questions and you feel comfortable to invite them based on that one telephone call or several emails, you still have not met them. You haven't seen how they act with each other, or felt their level of tension or love. One or the other could break out into a jealous rage. One of them could drink too much because they are nervous and become obnoxious. The wife could take off in an angry state, leaving her husband there alone. Or run out into the street in her lingerie. I've seen this happen. The husband could get so jealous that he throws a punch at another man. I've seen these this happen too. We got really good at weeding out potential problem couples. On the other hand, loving, caring, personal hand-holding goes a long way to calm a nervous new couple down. They are scared, insecure and nervous, and have no experience moving around in a sexually free environment. They need explanations of how the lifestyle works. Rules help them to relax. That's why more clubs are starting to have mandatory orientations, which they didn't do 10 or 15 years ago. Don't try to accommodate too many newbies into an experienced party. One in ten is okay but better to send them to an Anakosha discussion & potluck. They need to listen and learn in a fully-clothed discussion circle first. Then invite them to a party.