Anakosha
Integrating sexuality and spirituality in the lifestyle
How to decide if you are ready to attend a swing party
Be honest and truthful
Be honest and truthful about your name, who you are and whether you are single or in a relationship. If you are in a committed relationship and your partner does not want to join with you, you need to be up front and honest with both your partner and the others in the group because lying is simply not acceptable. "Oh what a tangled web we weave when at first we do deceive." Lying to people leads to fragmentation of the soul, mind and emotions and causes disjointedness. People can "read" your aura when you're dishonest. It goes against everything that we are trying to accomplish here, which is integration of mind, body and spirit. Just be honest, pure and simple and you will feel so much more comfortable with this journey.
Be OK with nudity
There will be nudity at these parties. You don't have to be nude yourself, but you need to be OK with being in the presence of other people in the nude. It's all about overcoming the negatives of shame, guilt, disgust, fear, self-loathing and like that. People who are naturists (nudists) are very uplifting to be around because they are so much freer, happy, spontaneous and comfortable in their bodies. It's a big deal at first being nude with others, but you get over it shortly, as long as it is in a safe environment which is uplifting and positive, which is the environment we try to create here. You will learn after a while that no one is going to jump you or try to coerce you into doing something you do not want to do. They might ask but it is a simple asking and they accept No easily. They are not allowed to coerce or manipulate.
Remain sober
Drinking alcohol changes people. Now a light drink is OK but everybody has been around drunks before. They can tell when one drink becomes two drinks becomes three drinks and more because the person cannot help but change his behavior and speech. He may THINK he can hold his/her liquor, but they can’t hold back the energy field. The energy field which is the presence surrounding the body changes in quality, color, density and feeling. We are not extremists. We like a drink once in awhile, but sex requires clarity. Too much drinking will be cause for not asking you back. Stay sober with maybe a slight tingle is OK.
Act kindly with consideration
Act nicely with people even if your first reaction is a repelling one. This is just normal niceness. Take the high road when interacting with people. Eliminate the defensiveness and guardedness and you will get along just fine. Open your heart and your mind. Observe others. You can tell who has an open heart from one who has not, because an open hearted person is relaxed and open. They sort of shine and glow and smile easily and is available and responds well to communication. An open-hearted person is loving towards others. That does not mean they are ready to go to bed with just anyone. It just means they have mastered the art of being graceful. If this is not normal for you, don't worry. You'll learn by being around other nice people who will forgive you for errors and mistakes.
Be OK with sexuality
Be OK with sex in general. Everyone has issues with sex so we don't expect you to be perfect or to act sexually free from the moment you arrive. Lifestyle parties are for socializing, getting to know people, talking, learning, growing and finally practicing if you are drawn to someone or another couple to practice with. Being OK with sex means we want people who are positive about sexuality in general. We don't want people in our midst who have a deep belief that sex with others is wrong. If you feel that way you don’t belong here. But if you are confused about whether it is right or wrong, then you would be acceptable. We all have been programmed to believe sex is wrong but many of us have broken free from that belief and have changed or are in the midst of changing. We have not just become positive about sex, we have become elated and free. Sex, when it is restricted by an outside authority, is the source of much destruction. But when a person has broken free from that control, it becomes a bridge to freedom and much pleasure and joy.
More on nudity
One of the basic measuring points as to whether you would fit into a swing party or not, is whether you can be comfortable with other people being nude around you. You will catch glimpses here and there at a party. In the hot tub, pool, on the massage table, in bedrooms. If this makes you gulp, a first time visit will be rather a shocker, but a first time doing anything out of the ordinary is a boundary-pusher. After the initial first-time exposure to a party with nudity and openness, if you want to attend a second or third party it will be more natural for you. You will find yourself enjoying the freedom and naturalness of it. If you're not there yet but you have a desire to be, you're half way there. This is a positive sign. You don’t have to do anything you aren’t ready for. We encourage you to go at your own pace and integrate new experience slowly, staying in control of your own behavior and choices while allowing yourself to step a just a little beyond your former boundary. Integrating new experience takes time and patience in any field of endeavor. It requires confidence and trust in yourself. Each little step builds confidence in yourself so you feel more comfortable in your skin no matter what you're doing or who you're around. Spend time conversing and getting to know people. A house party is both personal and impersonal. There is a lot of socializing which is stimulating. And there is dinner and good food. You are socially interacting with many individuals as you move around in the party. It's impersonal. When you start to zoom in on someone, which happens quite naturally and automatically, then it becomes more personal as you narrow your focus and cut out the others. That's OK if it's OK with your primary mate and the primary mate of the other person you are attracted to.
Don't be defensive
Someone who is not ready for a house party is someone who has a quick trigger and lashes out defensively when they are approached by someone they don't like, or find themselves in a situation they can't handle. That person needs to go home and learn how to manage his or her emotions. We seek people who are more mature than that, who have learned how to manage their inner frustrations. We all have our likes and dislikes and our ups and downs - no one is perfect - but we learn to take unpleasant things in stride. Hence the advice to take the high road. It is the road of grace under pressure. It leads to mastering your emotions. You grow in understanding.
Don't become attached to one person
Don’t get bogged down with one person, thinking about them when you go home and wishing to phone them and talk and set up a date later. If you are married or in a relationship, you're not here to find your eternal soul mate or a substitute for your current spouse. If you are both single, of course that is another story. Feel free to pursue each other. You might become polyamorists. Polyamory is different from swinging. Swinging is mostly for couples meeting couples. Polyamory is more for singles or married people who think like singles. It literally means "loving many". You can love more than one person at a time. Parents love more than one child when they have five kids, for example. They learn to form relationships with each child individually, with love and concern for each child's welfare. But they don't become emotionally attached to one more than the others. That is one of the polyamorist's biggest difficulties. How do you choose one partner over the other to spend, for example, Christmas or New Years with? How do you divide your attention, focus and time between two meaningful lovers in your life? Swinging is how couples do it. They swap mates. That way, their mate is busy with someone while they spend time with someone else. It's a quid pro quo. Everyone is happy. But in polyamory you could cause unhappiness in one of your lovers by choosing to spend a holiday with another lover. Swinging is more balanced. It is light-hearted and fun. Sometimes swingers go to the other extreme of cutting their encounters short, maybe 30 minutes to an hour for a brief sexual encounter but most swingers prefer more quality time together.
Know the difference between polyamory and swinging
Having addressed this in the previous paragraph, I want to remind the reader to be aware of these two opposite approaches. Too much involvement with your bed partner makes you a polyamorist because you are developing a romantic and deeper entanglement to them. This is called "emotional attachment". On the opposite end of the scale, too brief an encounter with your bed partner, like jumping in bed for genital sex and the climax and leaving shortly after, makes you rather shallow. This is what some people call a "bedpost-notcher". Anakosha's approach is a balance between these two extreme opposites. My husband likes to call our approach "intimate friendship" which is as good a label as any. I don't like to put a name on it but for me there is a connection that is more than physical. I go as far as I can go to find the real person behind the mask. It is very enriching when I can make that connection, where I can become one with them and time stands still. It is a union, a oneness. It is metaphysical, not physical. It is a very satisfying connection and I have been doing this for many years, with hundreds of lovers. You don't have to call it love but it feels like love to me. It's not an emotional attachment because when I leave them, I leave them totally. They are free to go. I don't fall in love with my lovers, meaning I don't develop emotional attachments with them. I simply love them while I am with them. Attachment is a "hook" that you can't shake.
Don't touch the hot spots until you're invited
Keep your hands off the "hot spots" on another person. Don't touch people inappropriately, meaning those areas that trigger responses, sometimes positive, sometimes negative, sometimes a slap in the face. The biggest single principle in loving many people is being able to read people. Be sensitive to their moods, to their fears, to their body language, the warning signs that say "stay away". Men often misread women's open friendliness as being available. Be careful not to misjudge openness as an invitation to touch. You can have many nice relationships and enjoy them all if you learn to maneuver wisely and not push people away by pushing too fast, too hard, or by talking too loud and monopolyzing the dinner conversation, or by drinking too much. Learn to be graceful and people will like you.
Give your primary partner some freedom
Discuss this before coming to the party. Don't appear to be a controller or owner of your primary partner. Men were brought up to be a protector of woman. But in swinging it can become a negative if the man hovers and possesses his mate, sticking close to her during the party and makes ownership noises. You will get a bad reputation if you do this. You are each here as individuals with each their own choices, even though you arrive together and leave together and everyone knows you are partners. But you are each individual while at the party, making individual selections as to who to play with. Check in with each each other to make sure everything is OK. You will have some private ground rules between you. But let each other have some freedom to interact spontaneously with other people. Otherwise, people won't approach you. They will be afraid that one of you is too possessive and they won't want to intrude. Unless, of course, you let everyone know that you want to party together and stay together. That's OK. Just be up front about that. Let everyone know you always stay together. Be sure and say that to a few individuals. The word will spread rapidly In that case, you will be seen in a more acceptable light. Communicate your thoughts.
Speak gently, uplifting, refined.
Don't speak coarsely, crudely, cuttingly, insensitively, unkindly or put other people down. People who complain or point out the mistakes of another, are downers. People avoid downers. They don't want to be gossiped about. So take a careful look at your personality and be honest with yourself. Make some changes if you are a complainer and a downer. Practice being kind to people. Support them by giving them something that makes them smile. If you have nothing kind to say, simple smile and be quiet. That will work too.
Don't expect sex
Please don't "expect" sex. By that I mean don't push for sex. Keep an open "wait and see" attitude. This is a consensual adult community and nobody is required to have sex just because they are at a swing party. And they certainly are not required to have sex with YOU! We want everyone to be free to enjoy themselves spontaneously. Spontaneous is the key word here. It is magical. You have a right to be you, and the next person has a right to be them. We want you likewise to be free to express yourself as you want to, as long as you don't push on others or interfere with their scene. The opportunity for bedroom action is always available. Allow the natural flow to happen. The flow is here but it takes two consensual people or more to agree.
Be honest and truthful
Be honest and truthful about your name, who you are and whether you are single or in a relationship. If you are in a committed relationship and your partner does not want to join with you, you need to be up front and honest with both your partner and the others in the group because lying is simply not acceptable. "Oh what a tangled web we weave when at first we do deceive." Lying to people leads to fragmentation of the soul, mind and emotions and causes disjointedness. People can "read" your aura when you're dishonest. It goes against everything that we are trying to accomplish here, which is integration of mind, body and spirit. Just be honest, pure and simple and you will feel so much more comfortable with this journey.
Be OK with nudity
There will be nudity at these parties. You don't have to be nude yourself, but you need to be OK with being in the presence of other people in the nude. It's all about overcoming the negatives of shame, guilt, disgust, fear, self-loathing and like that. People who are naturists (nudists) are very uplifting to be around because they are so much freer, happy, spontaneous and comfortable in their bodies. It's a big deal at first being nude with others, but you get over it shortly, as long as it is in a safe environment which is uplifting and positive, which is the environment we try to create here. You will learn after a while that no one is going to jump you or try to coerce you into doing something you do not want to do. They might ask but it is a simple asking and they accept No easily. They are not allowed to coerce or manipulate.
Remain sober
Drinking alcohol changes people. Now a light drink is OK but everybody has been around drunks before. They can tell when one drink becomes two drinks becomes three drinks and more because the person cannot help but change his behavior and speech. He may THINK he can hold his/her liquor, but they can’t hold back the energy field. The energy field which is the presence surrounding the body changes in quality, color, density and feeling. We are not extremists. We like a drink once in awhile, but sex requires clarity. Too much drinking will be cause for not asking you back. Stay sober with maybe a slight tingle is OK.
Act kindly with consideration
Act nicely with people even if your first reaction is a repelling one. This is just normal niceness. Take the high road when interacting with people. Eliminate the defensiveness and guardedness and you will get along just fine. Open your heart and your mind. Observe others. You can tell who has an open heart from one who has not, because an open hearted person is relaxed and open. They sort of shine and glow and smile easily and is available and responds well to communication. An open-hearted person is loving towards others. That does not mean they are ready to go to bed with just anyone. It just means they have mastered the art of being graceful. If this is not normal for you, don't worry. You'll learn by being around other nice people who will forgive you for errors and mistakes.
Be OK with sexuality
Be OK with sex in general. Everyone has issues with sex so we don't expect you to be perfect or to act sexually free from the moment you arrive. Lifestyle parties are for socializing, getting to know people, talking, learning, growing and finally practicing if you are drawn to someone or another couple to practice with. Being OK with sex means we want people who are positive about sexuality in general. We don't want people in our midst who have a deep belief that sex with others is wrong. If you feel that way you don’t belong here. But if you are confused about whether it is right or wrong, then you would be acceptable. We all have been programmed to believe sex is wrong but many of us have broken free from that belief and have changed or are in the midst of changing. We have not just become positive about sex, we have become elated and free. Sex, when it is restricted by an outside authority, is the source of much destruction. But when a person has broken free from that control, it becomes a bridge to freedom and much pleasure and joy.
More on nudity
One of the basic measuring points as to whether you would fit into a swing party or not, is whether you can be comfortable with other people being nude around you. You will catch glimpses here and there at a party. In the hot tub, pool, on the massage table, in bedrooms. If this makes you gulp, a first time visit will be rather a shocker, but a first time doing anything out of the ordinary is a boundary-pusher. After the initial first-time exposure to a party with nudity and openness, if you want to attend a second or third party it will be more natural for you. You will find yourself enjoying the freedom and naturalness of it. If you're not there yet but you have a desire to be, you're half way there. This is a positive sign. You don’t have to do anything you aren’t ready for. We encourage you to go at your own pace and integrate new experience slowly, staying in control of your own behavior and choices while allowing yourself to step a just a little beyond your former boundary. Integrating new experience takes time and patience in any field of endeavor. It requires confidence and trust in yourself. Each little step builds confidence in yourself so you feel more comfortable in your skin no matter what you're doing or who you're around. Spend time conversing and getting to know people. A house party is both personal and impersonal. There is a lot of socializing which is stimulating. And there is dinner and good food. You are socially interacting with many individuals as you move around in the party. It's impersonal. When you start to zoom in on someone, which happens quite naturally and automatically, then it becomes more personal as you narrow your focus and cut out the others. That's OK if it's OK with your primary mate and the primary mate of the other person you are attracted to.
Don't be defensive
Someone who is not ready for a house party is someone who has a quick trigger and lashes out defensively when they are approached by someone they don't like, or find themselves in a situation they can't handle. That person needs to go home and learn how to manage his or her emotions. We seek people who are more mature than that, who have learned how to manage their inner frustrations. We all have our likes and dislikes and our ups and downs - no one is perfect - but we learn to take unpleasant things in stride. Hence the advice to take the high road. It is the road of grace under pressure. It leads to mastering your emotions. You grow in understanding.
Don't become attached to one person
Don’t get bogged down with one person, thinking about them when you go home and wishing to phone them and talk and set up a date later. If you are married or in a relationship, you're not here to find your eternal soul mate or a substitute for your current spouse. If you are both single, of course that is another story. Feel free to pursue each other. You might become polyamorists. Polyamory is different from swinging. Swinging is mostly for couples meeting couples. Polyamory is more for singles or married people who think like singles. It literally means "loving many". You can love more than one person at a time. Parents love more than one child when they have five kids, for example. They learn to form relationships with each child individually, with love and concern for each child's welfare. But they don't become emotionally attached to one more than the others. That is one of the polyamorist's biggest difficulties. How do you choose one partner over the other to spend, for example, Christmas or New Years with? How do you divide your attention, focus and time between two meaningful lovers in your life? Swinging is how couples do it. They swap mates. That way, their mate is busy with someone while they spend time with someone else. It's a quid pro quo. Everyone is happy. But in polyamory you could cause unhappiness in one of your lovers by choosing to spend a holiday with another lover. Swinging is more balanced. It is light-hearted and fun. Sometimes swingers go to the other extreme of cutting their encounters short, maybe 30 minutes to an hour for a brief sexual encounter but most swingers prefer more quality time together.
Know the difference between polyamory and swinging
Having addressed this in the previous paragraph, I want to remind the reader to be aware of these two opposite approaches. Too much involvement with your bed partner makes you a polyamorist because you are developing a romantic and deeper entanglement to them. This is called "emotional attachment". On the opposite end of the scale, too brief an encounter with your bed partner, like jumping in bed for genital sex and the climax and leaving shortly after, makes you rather shallow. This is what some people call a "bedpost-notcher". Anakosha's approach is a balance between these two extreme opposites. My husband likes to call our approach "intimate friendship" which is as good a label as any. I don't like to put a name on it but for me there is a connection that is more than physical. I go as far as I can go to find the real person behind the mask. It is very enriching when I can make that connection, where I can become one with them and time stands still. It is a union, a oneness. It is metaphysical, not physical. It is a very satisfying connection and I have been doing this for many years, with hundreds of lovers. You don't have to call it love but it feels like love to me. It's not an emotional attachment because when I leave them, I leave them totally. They are free to go. I don't fall in love with my lovers, meaning I don't develop emotional attachments with them. I simply love them while I am with them. Attachment is a "hook" that you can't shake.
Don't touch the hot spots until you're invited
Keep your hands off the "hot spots" on another person. Don't touch people inappropriately, meaning those areas that trigger responses, sometimes positive, sometimes negative, sometimes a slap in the face. The biggest single principle in loving many people is being able to read people. Be sensitive to their moods, to their fears, to their body language, the warning signs that say "stay away". Men often misread women's open friendliness as being available. Be careful not to misjudge openness as an invitation to touch. You can have many nice relationships and enjoy them all if you learn to maneuver wisely and not push people away by pushing too fast, too hard, or by talking too loud and monopolyzing the dinner conversation, or by drinking too much. Learn to be graceful and people will like you.
Give your primary partner some freedom
Discuss this before coming to the party. Don't appear to be a controller or owner of your primary partner. Men were brought up to be a protector of woman. But in swinging it can become a negative if the man hovers and possesses his mate, sticking close to her during the party and makes ownership noises. You will get a bad reputation if you do this. You are each here as individuals with each their own choices, even though you arrive together and leave together and everyone knows you are partners. But you are each individual while at the party, making individual selections as to who to play with. Check in with each each other to make sure everything is OK. You will have some private ground rules between you. But let each other have some freedom to interact spontaneously with other people. Otherwise, people won't approach you. They will be afraid that one of you is too possessive and they won't want to intrude. Unless, of course, you let everyone know that you want to party together and stay together. That's OK. Just be up front about that. Let everyone know you always stay together. Be sure and say that to a few individuals. The word will spread rapidly In that case, you will be seen in a more acceptable light. Communicate your thoughts.
Speak gently, uplifting, refined.
Don't speak coarsely, crudely, cuttingly, insensitively, unkindly or put other people down. People who complain or point out the mistakes of another, are downers. People avoid downers. They don't want to be gossiped about. So take a careful look at your personality and be honest with yourself. Make some changes if you are a complainer and a downer. Practice being kind to people. Support them by giving them something that makes them smile. If you have nothing kind to say, simple smile and be quiet. That will work too.
Don't expect sex
Please don't "expect" sex. By that I mean don't push for sex. Keep an open "wait and see" attitude. This is a consensual adult community and nobody is required to have sex just because they are at a swing party. And they certainly are not required to have sex with YOU! We want everyone to be free to enjoy themselves spontaneously. Spontaneous is the key word here. It is magical. You have a right to be you, and the next person has a right to be them. We want you likewise to be free to express yourself as you want to, as long as you don't push on others or interfere with their scene. The opportunity for bedroom action is always available. Allow the natural flow to happen. The flow is here but it takes two consensual people or more to agree.