Anakosha
Integrating the divine feminine and divine masculine - the heart is the new base line
Introduction
The following entries were written over the last 48 years, starting in May 1976 when the kundalini activated. This turned out to be a subtle visionary light force at the base of the spine, but I didn't know it then and I didn't understand. I started writing about it back then, and the first 5 chapters of a book have been completed, but the rest is in journal form. I'm working on it now. The first 5 chapters, entitled Mystical Movements are posted on this website. Since I had no one to talk with about this at the time, I journaled a lot, much of which is channeled, which helped me to make sense of it. By defining it to myself I was able to retain sanity. Handwriting mystical happenings further opened me up to receive spirit messages through direct channeling. I have posted some of these on this website under Channeled Messages.
I have been instructed (by Spirit) to release them to the public. Kundalini is a mysterious force which very few understand. Kundalini was most active in the first 5 to 7 years but it is still active today, though integrated into my life. Because it is so vague and subtle, and yet is a purging, transformative force, it manifests differently for each person. It can be dangerous, upsetting neurological, mental and emotional balance, thus the reason for this information to be set forth. I would like to assure everyone that this force is natural and normal. If approached gently and with tender regards, it is sacred, holy and while it seems mysterious and beyond intellectual understanding, it is really your own consciousness interacting with source creator - the one infinite creator of all-that-is. So go with the flowing of tenderness. Expand your mind and allow it to teach you. You are a god in training (small g) and when it starts to activate, let it move freely until it has finished its cycle. Then resume your normal life. It will elevate you and inspire you, physically, mentally and emotionally. Surrender to it and work with it because resistance will cause problems. The energy can't be controlled or repressed because it's larger than you. It would be like trying to hold back the ocean.
Hopefully these little stories will provide some insight, clues and direction. If you are having difficulties with unknown energies and you feel your sanity is threatened, feel free to soundboard with me. My name is Diana, a pseudonym, my birth name is Nancy. You can write me through the contact page. It is important that you attempt to define it to someone. Put it to words. Journal to yourself. By defining what is happening to you as best you can, even though it seems impossible, by trying to assign words to it you bring it into your physical reality and your brain mind can make more sense of it. Make it a part of your practical life.
May 6, 1976
(Costa Rica) This morning after Bob left for San Jose, I was quite alert and anxious to sit down at the typewriter. But because of the extremely interesting things that have been happening, and because Bob has suggested that I direct this force, I wanted to tap into it again to set the course of the day. It occurred to me that I could possibly write better and more efficiently if I put myself in contact with the impersonal force within my body.
Over the past few days, whenever I consciously become aware of the forces within, my breathing automatically becomes rhythmical. I become more aware of things happening, and it does create a certain element of peace for me, wherever I am, even in the city. I also am aware of wanting to move, flex the spine, the shoulders, stomach muscles. This I never did before. It feels like my own body is becoming aware of itself and doesn’t let me forget it. It makes me feel good.
Yesterday, I saw a picture in a book of a helium atom. It was radiant in the nucleus and the electrons were semi-radiant as they spun around, held in place by an irrevocable chemistry. I could feel that unflinching attraction within the whole unit, immovable to any outside force except for the proper chemical mixture. I could easily imagine a human being as that central nucleus. He would be as radiant as his awareness would allow him to be. In other words, his own conscious knowledge of his forces would create the radiance. At the same time he would hold in check all his outer circumstances by the very same chemistry that the helium atom held its electrons in check. He has the power to control his life if he learns how to do it.
I am sure this is how man is meant to be, and he is meant to learn how to do this at the same time becoming aware of the interdependency on all other aspects of life. We cannot turn this power against natural evolutionary forces of other beings, or it will turn against us. We will be splitting the atoms of a natural force, causing a random, destructive reaction. But there are natural currents in life, currents of evolution and consciousness raising, among all organisms in life. We must feel our way onto these currents and go with them. Those who fight it, using their own personal desires for selfish or harmful ends will face hurt in many forms. Rubbing against the grain causes antagonism, and no man is excepted to the natural currents of life. Those who follow these natural flows of energy and do not try to change them, will find an upward, cyclical or spiral pattern. There is light involved which seems to flicker in the conscious mind and stimulate various parts of the body. I think this energy IS light, just as fire is light.
I was fully conscious, sitting on the bed, cross-legged. I centered my attention within my body. It moved into a rhythm of breathing. It seemed the breathing out was heavily accentuated at first, then the inhale was deeper and then the inhale and exhale became in unison, both equal in strength and timing. Shortly, I sensed that this was enough and it was ready now. This recognition can only be defined as a sense, because a thought is a stronger and more directed thing. A sense of something going to happen is a feeling, differentiated from a definite thought.
I sensed the movement first, before the movement took place physically. Then the body started to sway gently. The head turned to the right and stayed there. The body’s rhythmic movements became faster and faster. This is the same action which happens each time I allow my body to succumb to these inner forces, though never quite the same exact pattern. It seems to be a random shaking up of the whole body. I let it happen and the energy seemed to come faster and faster, in violent movements. The hands jerked back and forth, then in a circular movement, the wrists flopping so that the hands were totally loose and flopping. The head swinging from side to side, faster and faster. The whole body jumping up and down, alternating to shifting from side to side. I imagine someone watching me while this is going on, and I can’t help but think I would look like a mad woman. But I remember reading the little I can find on such experiences that it has been labeled the serpent fire because of its tortuous movements. To me it feels as though these inner forces of the body are shaking loose all obstruction and trying to infiltrate the entire body, to make it alive and responsive to the spirit which is being tapped. Since the first few times, I have definitely felt my body more responsive to the moment, moving whenever it feels to move, instead of holding it in check because of outer circumstances. I was aware of this sitting in a banker’s office yesterday. My spine wanted movement and I wiggled it around, and the shoulders, and I could sense a balancing taking place ever so slightly. It seems these actions are a preparatory stage to go through, to make a person ready for the dictates of more responsible action ahead.
I remembered Bob while I was going through these movements, he was in San Jose. He had stressed that this power should be directed and I thought, yes, it should be directed. Just to let it happen and go on like this without direction is to play with a powerful thing. Two days ago, after 35 minutes of such actions, Bob came to me and placed my right hand on his neck over a lump which has been evident for a couple of years now. He told me to use the power constructively. At first I was self-conscious and probably blocked the flow. But then I relaxed and let happen whatever would happen. My body started to breath deeply, inhaling deeply and exhaling with marked force, my hand pressing in on the lump. I was amazed to think that the force knew what to do. I think I stopped it before it was time. Perhaps not. I sat back and removed my hand and became aware of a dull ache extending up my arm to the elbow. Then my hand started to shake, faster and faster, wrist flopping.
As I was sitting on the bed this morning I remembered Bob’s lump and thought to direct the energy which was causing my whole body to move in such erratic fashion and with such violence. And at that, my body stopped and recaptured a balance. Then I realized how strong it had been because my breathing had been exceptionally heavy. I felt then the energy start to quiver in my right arm which moved outward slowly and extended straight to the east. I was sitting facing east and San Jose. There are no words to describe the power or the energy that I felt. I did not control this movement. I have been learning to go into neutral, into a surrendering mode when the movements come onto me. Lights flickered behind my closed eyelids. My arm shook and I could feel a concentration of the force in the palm of my hand. I quivered strongly and my body tingled throughout. And then I sensed Bob and his lump and my hand slowly closed. I could feel my hand closing around the lump removing it as it were. My hand withdrew and the lump was being dissolved in my hand. The energy was like light burning it away and I clasped both hands together and it was gone. Dissipated.
Sitting still afterwards, slowly the rhythm returned. The breathing came in short breaths, stressing on the exhale, shorter and shorter when my body started to sway and move. I wanted then to open my left arm and hand for this power to come through. My attention focused there and it seemed as though my body stopped upon the thought of direction. And slowly the left arm pulsed with the energy, not as strong as the right side. I increased my focus and eventually the pulsations came stronger and the left arm started to quiver and I looked for a direction to send it to. I thought of the Centro Cultural where Bob had talked about yesterday as an idea to start a group discussion there. I thought of the building and Mr. Green, the director whom we are going to see later. It will be his decision whether we will do anything with group therapy at the Centro. The energy was coming more slowly, but definitely there. Eventually the arm started to quiver and shake and, again, I could feel the concentration of energy within the palm of the left hand. It began to raise, as it came stronger and I pictured the building and Mr. Green and the energy seemed to extend and encompass the building. Again there was light and power and energy all around. It was flowing but not as strong as the first time with the right arm.
I feel that I am preventing the flow from my own knowledge, or rather lack of knowledge. I will have to become more conscious of it. I am sure my whole body, right this moment, could be alive and vital with this energy but my lack of usage makes me believe otherwise. It is the conscious knowing how vital these powers are that allows the power to flow. Man must become aware of his body and the forces that dwell inside. It does not take care of itself - it is up to man to recognize and use them. We were given at birth a body, but we must learn how to direct it, and build on it, and use the energies within it. I am quite conscious that my lacks and weaknesses are the result of my own ignorance. The recognition and experimentation of these things will awaken them for use. It lies within our choice, within our own free will and wherever we choose to direct our own will.
Sitting still afterwards, I became aware of the peace that comes from completing a job. It is like the energy becomes still, withdraws or rests after each positive action. Shortly the breathing came in short breaths again, stressing on the exhale, shorter and shorter. When my body went into rhythmic motion again, I thought of another direction. I thought of a woman friend, which was harder to do because I didn’t know what kind of thought to send. So I just thought of letting her self flow back to center and I saw her central force, which has been scattered through the years, and pictured it being pulled back to center. I thought of her being uplifted, though I don’t think I directed that. It just happened automatically. And both arms lifted, this time not so much energy was pulsating. But I was conscious of a concentrated force at the palms. The palms formed a cup and the energy was there in the cup of my hands, as a - like a ball of light and energy. The arms lifted higher and higher and the woman seemed to be the focal point within the light. It became brighter and stronger and my body tingled. The body tingles at the height of the action. In the past, I used to feel tingling at the height of a perception of some inner thought. The tingles go through the whole body like a wave. I think this must be a mild form of energy release, opening up the cells to knowledge or perception - like an open mind suspends all thought.
When the image of this friend first came to me, when my hands first went out and extended to the east in front of me, I sensed her being, or her body, or her whole presence. In the palm of my hands I sensed the pressure of touching her but not in the sense of a physical touch. It was as though I had “found” her and had contacted her through whatever channels you contact someone at a distance. I sensed her and at that point the energy started to pulse stronger and the ball of light formed in the cup of my hands. I feel that the mind is such a sensitive instrument that when it is still and at peace, one doesn’t want to ruffle its feathers, so to speak. One wants to stay peaceful and not disturb the actions that are happening. But one slowly learns that the mind has a function. It doesn’t really “go” anywhere. It’s not asleep. It is just sitting in neutral position. One can form thoughts even while the force is coming through and acting. You CAN direct it. In defense of all nature, however, I would suppose that these forces cannot normally be tapped until the person has learned to direct or control his thoughts along a constructive line. Otherwise, the world would be in chaos, placed there by people tapping into limitless energy without understanding. The mind is a tool, a director of this energy, and it takes wisdom to know how to use it.
Bob has been a constant reminder to me that these energies must be used for a constructive purpose. As he says, there are many people in the world who are doing magician’s tricks, but also there are many people who are healing sicknesses and disease. There is a purpose for man’s inner hidden powers. But the purpose, I think, is revealed slowly, as one learns to use them. Intuition plays a strong part in this. There is natural intelligence directing it, and the further along one goes in following his natural intuitions, the more he MUST follow his intuitions. He is prevented from doing certain things which would hurt either himself or another person. He is prev3ented by these very forces he has unleashed. Once he unleashes them he becomes them and he is unable more and more, as he finds out, to do things against his nature.
There is a tremendous science involved with this - a true and natural science. I think that possibly these ancient teachings that have been hidden for so many years, may be ready to be taught openly to people. But it must come in a direction controlled by this natural intelligence. I think it has come to many people who didn’t quite know how to use it. Definitely it needs balance, and practical application in the world of the layman. It cannot be totally and impartially scattered. Possibly Bob and I could do it together, but we must be open to the inner directions.
May 10, 1976
(Costa Rica) I was in the jaccuzzi this morning before breakfast. I felt a great peace. Our life here in Escazu is very relaxed and undisturbed. I sensed an alertness to my body, and the movements were starting in the jaccuzzi. I got out, naked, and stood in the sun, focused on my center, and bent over, letting the arms dangle. I was close to the force, in touch with it. Today, the movements brought me into positions of exercise, similar to the ones Shirley showed me in yoga. They were gentle, easy. I thought of the time after Shirley left. I fully intended to do some of these yoga exercises every day but I found myself lazy. It was too much effort. Now the body was moving on its own. It took no effort. It felt good and I didn’t have to control them. It was a very strange sensation to find myself moving without knowing what position I would take next. Bob watched me. He sat in a chair, and this time I felt no self-consciousness. It was relaxed and easy. Towards the end I was bending over quiet, arms dangling, this is a comfortable position for me. It eases the small of the back which is tender. I thought of directing the force to Bob, for his neck. The arms raised and the right arm started to stretch forward, over the head and backward, making a circle, faster and faster. It went so fast, I thought my arm would come out of the socket (and so did Bob, he was prepared to duck.) And then stillness, and energy in the palm of my hand.
By this time, Bob was back at his desk inside. I can’t remember what happened next, as I’m writing this some days later. But towards the end of the session, standing still, the right hand slowly raised. I looked at it and felt the energy pulsating in it. It was alive and vibrant. The fingers flexed and spread wide. It reached over and touched a spot on my neck which is where Bob’s lump is. And the arm relaxed, fell outward and jerked strongly straight out, toward the door, indicating to me to go and place my hand on Bob’s lump. I went in and did it.
May 16, 1976
(Costa Rica) After the first workshop we had yesterday, we came back to the jaccuzzi and all floated in it. The atmosphere was open and everyone was loose. We chanted a little and soon afterwards the conversation was on a deeper level. I could feel my body giving in to movement in the water and I was aware that a session of exercise was coming.
This morning, after breakfast, I went onto the patio. The sun was bright and I started half in the shade, because the tiles were hot and I was barefoot. I was wearing a bathing suit. I feel very close and in touch with the force. I bent over and focused my attention on the center of me and the movement began. First to the left, then to the right, as in an exercise program, touching the floor, then up reaching toward the sky and in a wide circle, pulling all the back muscles, down again, back to center, pointing downward. This went on four or six times and then the arms reached from the floor upward straight and backward into an arch. From here on I cannot remember all of the different movements that happened, so I will note a few that stand out to me.
I went into several positions that were new to me. One took me into the position that Shirley had shown me, but I only recognized it half way through - the sun position I think. And from there flat on my stomach to rest. Then the stomach roll, then the feet pulled upwards to touch the buttocks. I am not in very good condition for these, but the movements do not create any forced condition that is longer than I am capable of holding.
Later, my left arm predominated and raised, palm to the sky, my right arm was without movement. First facing forward, then turning from the waist to face around to the right, then around to the left. This was repeated. I was totally surrendered to the force within, unknowing of what is coming, my body acting on its own. I waited for the right arm but the left arm continued. I felt the vibrancy of the sun on the palm. The fist closed and I sensed a lump of energy contained inside my fist. I went down, bending at the waist and both arms hung for a moment. Then the right arm swiftly was pulled around to reach also for the sky, in a shorter time span of turning left, right and forward. The right fist closed on energy and both arms came down and hung, pointing to the floor. Limp at first, the right arm started to twist and turn, vibrating with energy. I am amazed at this. Both arms then, and came up and moved in wild movements as though shaking the body into line. The fists were still closed. I continued through other movements, bending at the waist, the knees and more, with the fists closed. Then a crouching position and the right arm went up and opened again to the sun, holding for a moment, waved around and came down. Repositioned and the left arm went up and opened to the sun, but then started to move forward, reaching, backward reaching, and then I realized the clouds had moved over the sun. My hand was searching all around for the bright sun! When I realized the clouds would be there for a while, the hand came down and other movements continued.
After a while I felt that the major movements were over, and I stood still, the mind was still, and then I focused on the right arm again, for that is where the energy is most noticeable. I saw and registered a tree on the hillside above the patio wall behind it, and my arm went to the tree, palm open. This time the energy was giving to the tree, not withdrawing from it. The arm came down on its own. I stood still, mind quiet, and the right arm raised and moved toward the house, palm open. I thought of the left arm, wondering why nothing was happening through it, and the left arm also raised then and pointed toward the house. I thought of Bob and thought, No. I would not go in just now (to work on his neck). I felt as though the energy was leaving, and I did not feel anything special. Both arms then came up, hands cupped and raised to my face. My head came back and the cupped hands held over the mouth. This has happened before, and the throat opens and I feel an open channel, perhaps energy coming from the hands running back into the body, all the way through.
I am aware of the training that is happening here, through experimentation. It seems that I am being taught that my conscious choice must come around to blend with this force, and go along with it. But it seems that my mind must learn this for sure. There is still a wonder as to what and how pure this force is, and if it is indeed beneficial for me to follow it. I know it is, yet I want to know more.
I stood still then, and I could feel, as I looked out towards the North and the hills, my right leg start to vibrate. This has happened before. I wondered why my left leg felt nothing. My right side seems to be receptive to energizing, my left side, no. My thoughts went to the left leg. Then, both arms reached down, I thought to touch the leg itself, but instead they went under the foot, and I bent stooping holding the sole of the left foot. I felt the leg vibrate a little. I stood up, firmly balanced on both legs, slightly apart. My body shifted to a straight locked line, from shoulder to foot, on the left side. I focused on opening a channel in the left leg. It vibrated. The leg bent, the body swayed. I went down and touched the sole of the foot again. The leg vibrated more. This process was repeated.
I sat down, the sense of it being over, and I sat still, the mind quiet. Hands down on the patio tiles. The sun was out again. Then my right arm raised. I could feel the fingers flex, the palm open, an energy was still there. It moved to my throat, the position of Bob’s lump. I didn’t make a decision to go in to work on him. Sitting still, the arm repeated the movement to the neck, three times. I thought, No. I didn’t feel or want to do it. The left arm raised and went to the other side of the neck. I didn’t make any move to go in. I thought, No. I don’t have any energy left. At that my body twisted as it does normally, shaking back and forth as if to affirm that I did. I didn’t move.
I asked then, for the first time I spoke to myself or to the force. Do I really have the energy and ability to do this? My head nodded for me in affirmation. I asked again, Is this really me that is moving me? My head nodded affirmative. I said then, I’m afraid to do this. My left hand then raised to the neck and jerked violently to the house and door as if to say, “Go!” I thought, My left hand is working in an open channel, and I thought, “OK!” I agreed and went in to Bob who was sitting at his desk In this position, it is not easy to work from behind him with the right hand, and so I thought I would not make a scene and simply lay the left hand on his lump and see what happens. I was aware then that the force was leading me to do this CONSCIOUSLY. It was not going to do it for me. I had to choose to put my energy to work. so I focused energy through my left arm and worked on Bob’s lump for a little bit. Bob said there was heat coming through my fingers. I could feel a lot of heat throughout.
I feel now that I am at a place where I must choose to act. Last night, just before going to sleep Bob asked me if I would take away his headache over his left eye. I placed my hand over it and focused energy through the arm and palm. He said he felt heat. I felt only the sensation of sending energy. It seems so natural and so normal, it does not feel to be anything special. It is possible that, for this reason, I do not feel to make it a significant act. But the forces in the body and my mind becoming awake to these forces, will not let me forget what I know, and have learned.
May 17, 1976
(Costa Rica) This morning I woke up with a sensation. I lay in bed and sensed for the first time, a substance, if you could call it that, to the forces flowing within me. It has been an indefinable thing, an invisible force which seems to be energy. As I lay with my eyes closed, it seemed to me, though words are not easily adapted to such feelings, that there was a substance to this force, something like the sap in the trees, though not literally. It seemed so much to be like sap, I imagined a tree sprouting out of the center, just below the naval. And I felt myself to be a tree trunk, with the life sap flowing throughout the body. It felt good, to be able to feel a substance. It makes all the experiences seem more real, more visible and more definable. And more me.
In the jaccuzzi I let the movements happen, as they do frequently when I think of them. I thought seriously of what direction to take with these forces. Yesterday I read again the Kundalini book to find some clue as to how to use these forces. I let the focus go to the plants in the patio and my arm raised to send energy to them, but this was mellow and quiet, not vibrating, for my consciousness was not keen, but wondering. I sat still and wondered about this and thought about focusing on developing the healing powers. This did not seem to click. I thought of Bob and our work together, and it occurred to me to focus the energies that have been developing, back into ourselves - to Bob and to me - for the purpose of heightening and expanding whatever is to come.
I told Bob about this decision, so to speak, and explained that, to me it was like pruning back a tree. Cut off the long spindly branches to redirect the energies back to center to make it stronger. The book said that the development of kundalini is very natural and a subconscious happening. But to develop it in force requires conscious direction, not random. This is a whole different thing, according to the book. It seems to me that this is where I am now. Kundalini IS the life force that we have been talking about between ourselves. We do not get turned on by a strange word, it is all the same force.
The phone rang and Bob went to answer it. I felt good having affirmed my decision to Bob, and my body started to sway. I refocused it. It felt like I was cutting off a random growth and sending it back to center. I sent it to Bob, simply by thought, and the waves of energy tingled through my body in affirmation that this was right and good.
This began the chain of events that took place over the next years. The conscious knowledge of doing something with understanding - to direct growth through knowledge - this to me is significant. My hands then raised, rather quickly, to form a cup and the cup raised over my face and mouth, my head went back as if to drink in the energies just now flowing, back into myself for a purpose. A purpose seems to be the key. I told Bob about this act. I don’t know if he really feels the full significance as it is meaning to me, but I feel good by affirming my actions. It feels like a conscious commitment, and a necessary one for me.
The phone call was George Lake, an American who is looking for a direction here in Costa Rica. We are to have an appointment with him this afternoon.
We went to our appointment. Mr. Lake is a finder of people and puts them together for deals. The people were a woman broker from Florida, the man was a Lebanese from the Middle East. They are looking for a way to send money into the American system for investment. Bob and the woman knew mutual friends and they found a common ground quickly. The man listened. Mr. Lake said nothing and I listened. Shortly I remembered why I was there, to create an atmosphere of energy. I focused on the flow and felt the tingle. The sensation lasted throughout the conversation and ceased when the heavier matters were accomplished. I felt an easy flowing, as though with a purpose. I noticed a feeling of heat at the base of my spine which seemed to glow, spreading outward like a sun. I remembered the book talking about Kundalini as a sun which glows and spreads wider and wider with development and use. It was the first time it felt so definite. A definite glow is the only way I can describe it. I noticed my hand wanting to raise and go out. I concentrated on keeping my elbow on the chair arm, but my hand opened to the person talking. My hand changed and faced whoever was talking at the time. It seemed to be sending. I could feel a stronger sensation of prickles in the palm of the right hand. I tried to keep it subtle, fingers half closed as a casual thing.
I felt a heightened atmosphere in the room, a sensation of a ball of energy surrounding the five people and in the center between them. It was definitely heightened. A great receptivity was happening to the broker and the Lebanese man. Mr. Lake was darting his eyes from them to Bob. He seemed as though he was surprised. He didn’t say anything. he was carefully observing. Bob was magnificent, and flowed with a higher knowledge and purpose than I’ve heard from him. I felt a definite channel was being created. We are to see them on Monday. I think they want to do something here.
June 1, 1976
(Costa Rica) This morning I laid my fingers on Bob’s neck (lump) without going through any exercises or movements first. I simply placed my hand and got in touch with the energy. He said he felt heat, but later he had a headache. The lump is going down. It has popped back a little the last few days.
Today I entered the movements easily and let them take me casually into certain positions. Last night while Bob was gone, I went into heavier exercise positions. There seems to be an attraction for dance-like movements, oriental style. swaying like a snake, around, with arms in a flailing, slow-motion thing. I feel like I’m doing an exotic dance, never the same. Every once in a while, my hands form a cup and cover my mouth, head back. I drink in the energy formed by the movements. My conscious desire is to be able to speak. The first time I thought this, the cupped hands were my response.
We talked to Ramon at the Academy today. Miguel his partner sat in on the conversation. Ramon is easy to talk to. I feel light in his presence. We explained further what is happening and Ramon likened it to Ana Lee Skarin, and explained briefly her experiences with her husband. My heart jumped at this. I read her book long ago, “Ye Are Gods!” It was written and delivered to the publisher after she apparently ascended. The publisher said she “translated“. In the book she talks of deep things, and then she disappeared. I wish I could speak with her. I feel that she has tapped into some things that she could help us with. I told Bob that I would like to talk to her. I sense tremendously important things ahead of us. I sense that possibly we will be among the first to bring this secret energy out in the open. Even Ramon spoke as though it were mystical, something to be kept secret, as though not to be revealed. To Bob and me it is not. We feel it to be natural and time to be open about it, to anyone.
The other night, lying on the bed, I thought of what Diego said. He told me to focus on a teacher or guru and see what happens. I was feeling an energy flow, and I thought of Mr. Adamski. Instantaneously, my solar plexus area (from naval to groin) grew hot like fire, and a fireball ran halfway up my spine. This has not happened since.
Ramon indicated today that Ana Lee Skarin had been abstaining from sex with her husband until these things happened. And then she found that more sex activity helped her perception. She became stronger and keener and the expansion happened. This is what is happening with us. The more Bob insists we engage in sex, and I still would not if it were up to me, the more the perceptions come. Ramon suggests that Bob can also be a giver and not only a receiver of this, through the sex act.
Last night - no, two nights ago - I took the initiative and sat on Bob very slowly, placed the head of him inside. I felt solid, deep, quiet, not like talking. I felt the inner strength of an energy, though subdued, not vibrant. Slowly, it rubbed upon him, inside. It was different. I gave into body movements. I have never quite done that before. To Bob, the inner walls took over in a vibrant movement, turning, twisting, rubbing, sucking, in motions that I only felt as a sure and right thing. It hurt the muscles, for I suppose I was using muscles I wasn’t accustomed to using. I felt like I was accomplishing something that I was made to accomplish, without planning, without thinking, or even knowing. But giving in to my body.
I had a sensation that something new and different was taking place, deeper, more open to inner feelings. Bob said he had never felt it like that before. I felt that if I had given myself up even more, that I could have achieved climax from this deeper place, which I have been unable to achieve like this
I gave up smoking today. No, yesterday. And I was kind of nasty to Bob yesterday. But today it is much better. The first withdrawal pangs really made me angry with the slightest feeling of wrong. I wanted Bob to leave me alone. I didn’t want to have to smile and please him. He didn’t quite understand and wanted to talk. We argued a little but I insisted we didn’t talk. We got through the night OK, though he wanted to get close and I didn’t.
We saw two UFO streaks last night. One fairly low, about 11 pm, heading due west. The other higher up, 20 minutes later, heading west. Another one we decided not to count was a strange, low light behind the trees. It looked so different we are not going to count it. We have stopped keeping a journal in our sightings, but Dery at the paper [Tico Times] prodded us to maintain one for future record. We have seen so many and I feel so close to them. Of course, I have an image of those Mr. Adamski talked about, [contactee].
Sometimes I have an image of a group of people in an open building, something like marble, highly polished floors. These people are highly intelligent, extremely intelligent. The vibrations they send out are greater than any sent by people on this planet. These people are on another planet. I think it is Saturn. The only reason I feel this is, the first impression I had of this was when I wore the crystal that once belonged to Mr. Adamski. I became conscious of the picture slowly, vaguely while I wore the crystal one afternoon as Alice Wells asked me to [Mr. Adamski‘s secretary], and when I removed it I had this deep sense that it was a honing device direct from them to the crystal. I told Alice about it. It is deeper than I can explain in words. Extremely refined, extremely knowledgeable. In fact, they were intelligence personified, in human form.
There is a lot that is happening. There is much ahead of us. I can feel tremendous potential to shed light on these things. Bob is the one to help here. He wants to talk always about it. I go along with that and find it to be easy. I used to cringe and hide what I know about extraterrestrials. But I can’t fight it, and the more I go along with Bob, the greater the perceptions come. Life is constantly asking me to give in to it, accept it. There is much ahead. We can’t continue to hide these things.
June 12, 1976
(Costa Rica) `We saw Ramon yesterday and two other men and we talked of the business end, of the possible association with the Academy. But we talked of the energy force afterwards, and he told me more in the way of confirmation, making me want to spend more time with him and possibly his group. I do not know them. He has seen a person who was trying to make this contact with the kundalini force go nuts. It was too much for him. He has seen others who suffered ailments of one form or another. But I have already been warned. I know this to be true. I am convinced that any ailments or problems are the direct result of “trying”. This is a NATURAL force and it glows and expands WHEN IT IS TIME, according to the unfoldment of the soul. I use soul as compared to who we think we are, for we think we know ourselves. We do not. We know only what we know, but we do not know what we do not know, and that is much more. To try as so many are trying to contact the energy forces of the universe, such as the yoga and spiritual and mystic students by directing concentrated energy (mind energy) into themselves, is similar to compacting energy into a metal housing to create the bomb. It simply is not a natural evolution. It is being directed by an intelligence that does not quite know how it works, and therefore is susceptible to error. The only perfection there is the universal force itself. The only way we can come close to perfection is by stepping along side the universal force, giving up the mind to it. But not by trying. This is such a subtle difference.
I thought this morning as I was doing movements, not to move so much. Ramon suggested I try to direct this force and not dissipate it. I directed the force, gently, and nothing happened. The movements slowed down. I became more aware of a deeper level within myself. I consciously said to myself, “Don’t dissipate the energy, keep in line, for a purpose, the purpose to go straight forward, in truth whatever you have to do.” I became aware that I was no longer talking to myself. I was simply talking, and saying “I am the energy” and I identified with it. There was no distant goal to achieve. I was life, I am life and need nothing more. I thought, “But how do I do this thing, what do I do and where do I send this energy?”
I felt then a kinship to the patio, the sun, my own body, a oneness with the things around me. I became aware, like a moving film strip, things, that there is no miracle to be sought, no knowledge of a greater nature, no distant goal to be set up. There is nothing more profound and miraculous than the act of life as it is happening right now. This is the sacred mystery and no one knows, they look elsewhere. It is beneath our feet, at our fingers, the food we eat, the thoughts we think, these processes are awesome and themselves worthy of bending at the knees before them. It is indeed a mystery to explain. As I try to direct, I feel a door close on me. When I try to understand, the door closes. All attempts fail me. And when I think to myself, “I don’t know, I don’t understand, show me,” then my mind becomes a simple child, and wonders pass before it! But when I try to reach out and grab onto them and claim ownership, the door begins to swing shut on me. I lose it when I reach for it. I want to tell people this, but when I try, again I fail. My only desire is to give myself up to this power. It is greater than I am. I want truth, but I can’t have truth unless I give myself up to it. The only way to gain something is to release it. I desire to see this truth and knowledge and perception in the world. I see it missing all around me. I desire this so much but I must give up caring and trying, knowing at the same time that it will happen only to the degree that I give up. I desire to be pliable soley to the movements within me. Whatever they lead me to do, I will do. My only desire is to obey, no other person, no other force, but the one which is flowing within me and I know to be flowing in other people. I feel, as I did in a vision once, like I am a small leaf on the end of a long, long willow branch. and when the wind shakes through the tree, it vibrates through the trunk and out through the branches, and I at the very outermost end move when I am told to move. I am grateful to know this, and the more I give myself to this power, the greater the glow becomes inside.
It is similar to what the world calls love, but the world does not know love really. It is a warm feeling that belongs. It is that something missing which one doesn’t realize he has missed until he has found it. It is a feeling of being in the arms of a great and wise personage, but not really a personage, an intelligence. An intelligence capable of all the virtues dreamed of by men. And when I act upon its guidance, my reward is this feeling which begins ever so subtly and slowly, almost unnoticeably, in the solar plexus region. But I am quoting. To me it feels like it starts just halfway between navel and groin, and half way between front and back. Dead-center in the bowl of the lower half of the body. And when I become aware of it, it is simply warm and it becomes warmer, and I feel like a child when this happens. I never realized this before. But now as I am feeling it as I type, I can identify with a feeling of humility, you might say, though that is not it either. It is like someone else is taking care of you, and you know it, and you love him and you let him care for you. You don’t have to try, you don’t have to know everything. You don’t have to “sink or swim” as so many people say. You know that there is really a guardian over your life and interests - and more, it is a guardian which is capable of love. This love is a burning and consuming thing - though I have not felt it to such a degree. I have felt it flame and grow dim and I have felt its qualities. I cannot talk enough about it, to do it justice.
But as I become aware of its presence and existence in my life, I become aware of its presence binding me to other people. It seems to be the same flow of energy running through the other person too. And if that person is open, I feel a flaming up of this feeling, and I know he felt it too. But when that person is closed, it stops in me, too. For me to continue to feel this thing, to expand upon its capabilities, requires open-minded people. We are so inter-dependent!! We don’t even know half of it yet. One day, we may wake up and find we are all fingers on one hand, or something similar.
June 14, 1976
(Costa Rica) Standing at the cement wall I faced east to the city around 8 in the morning this morning. The air was as soft as to be hardly noticeable, but I could sense it, feel its aliveness. I could feel the molecules and the flow of that energy (life) I have such a hard time describing. It is as clear as a bell to me and yet there are no words to describe this essence - essence is the closest I think. Perhaps I will coin a word for this.
The sun filtered through the leaves to the patio. It was over the trees. I stood in the shade, focused inside. My eyes were open, focused deep inside. I feel such a love for this thing - there is no other word. Again, I felt the sense of movement. It is only that - a sense. Like a ripple of thought that barely whispers through my body. I’m ultra alert to it. I did not submit to it at first. I am so struck by this phenomena I am overly cautious not to let myself imagine these movements. I would rather hold back and see it work without question. I want it to move me, not for me to move it. I waited and my left arm tugged a little away from the cement on which it was resting. I didn’t let it. I waited, wanting a definite movement to happen. I was alert. My left arm pulled. I let it fall away from the cement. This seemed to break the inanimation - the waiting. I turned then, without knowing why - all I can say is that I did it without thinking, without realizing I did it. I turned and walked back toward the far corner where the sun flooded down.
The movements began immediately, by raising the arms and bending at the waist. It is like music enters my body, though I cannot hear audibly. I feel a rhythm that I can only relate to as musical feeling. My body seems to adapt itself like clay. No, more like sand in the wind, never stopping. I can feel a harmony going on inside my body, it feels as though literally the cells and molecules are aligning themselves to a greater force than I could do by myself. It makes me physically and mentally extremely well. There are no other words to describe this. I am conscious of where I am, on the patio in the sun, but this morning for the first time, I slipped away in my awareness, and without realizing, softly, I became aware of a vast rolling field of grass, growing and blowing in the wind. The air was soft, and warm with the sun, and there was the freshness of nature as a fragrance. I could smell it, hear it, my senses were extremely sensitive to the place. In the distance to the right, there was a city. it shone white and gleaming in the sun. There were mountains rolling blue in the backdrop. I felt this place as though I were there. It was an elevating place. It made me feel as though I belonged there. It was good. I wanted to go to the city but it was not supposed to be. I was only conscious of being in the midst of the field, like a sea of rippling silver-green grass. It was light, like silver, white, the grass.
I wish I could describe not the place, but the feelings I have - the force of life, the energy which ignites everything into flame, into life, it’s like nothing I can describe. It is a sense, of intelligence, a sense of life, life is the best word, the essence of life, life pure, it is something you could never see visually. It is a sense - a sense of an essence. But never mind. It is not meant to be described, it is meant to be known. But this is what moves us, me, you, and we can’t escape it. It impresses me. I am becoming convinced, after talking to Bob about this, that I should NOT direct this thing. It seems to be taking me where I could never direct myself alone. I would rather let it teach me.
June 20, 1976
(Costa Rica) I was in the movements several days ago and again, I thought of this direction people talk about. I must learn to direct this force that has been happening to me, but - it was all wrong! It just wasn’t right to manipulate it that way. I dug deeply into myself, like a tree digs its roots deep into black soil, and I thought almost with a shudder - No. I can’t control life - I am life - it controls me. I give myself to life. I felt like a rock, so firm, so sure. I felt like the earth, so balanced and so open to whatever comes my way because life has a purpose and a direction which necessitates every part of it to pull together. Who am I to know what this path is?? How can I assume to know and to change things? Only when the time is right, am I told what to do and when. But until then I can only listen, absorb and be at peace.
With that, the movement took me to bend over and reach the tiles, touch them beneath me. I was so at peace with myself and the earth. And deep, deep inside where no one could possibly see the action, I grasped a hint of the unlimited that I used to seek outside in books and with my mind. I wish I could give myself to it faster. The more I give myself to it the surer and more astounding is my life and my capabilities. I feel a non-tangible sense of something impossible to describe - sort of like something is surrounding me with total absorption powers. It absorbs and absorbs and I am at one with it. It is warm, peaceful, like someone who cares is holding me, someone who cares very much, but more than I could conceive. The feeling is that I should not try to understand it, but lie with it peacefully and let it absorb me.
I trust it ultimately. It is the only thing I can truly trust for it has no mind - it just is there, rock firm and never to go away. It is the reason I can do the things I do more and more. I am changing. People will notice the changes and will wonder how such a once-quiet person could be so drastically loud!! That is why, I guess, I am writing these things, for future reference, but more for those who are trying to find answers themselves. Trust yourself, trust yourself like you have never trusted anyone before. Should you be at the point of death you give yourself over to this power of life. Why not give yourself to it now?
My direction is simple. Since I have been advised that I should direct this force, all energy I feel - I am talking about a definite movement out of the ordinary now - is to be directed back into myself. To make me more flexible to it, to mold me more and more into it. I have had glimpses of things to come if I persevere. In fact, last week I spent several days with such a feverish energy flow no one could have stopped me if I had had something to do! But as it was, there was not much to do. Although Bob and I have several courses going but they are going smoothly. Life is easy and good here. The time spent on the patio - I have a sense that it is an extraordinary time of my life and that I should appreciate it - it may not last. I am in and out of the water. I feel so sensitive to everything but especially to my own body, flesh and blood and movements. Deep within the flesh I can feel it, it’s amazing. Usually you only sense yourself on the surface of the skin as contact with something else occurs. But you really can become sensitized so that you are conscious, feeling and aware of your body inside and out. People whom I’ve mentioned this to don’t believe me. I wish I could teach them how, but of course, I can’t.
I keep digging deeper, reaching deeper inside myself. Standing very still looking over the valley and towards San Jose, I stand there often. I wonder what Bob really thinks I’m doing! Time seems to stand still as I am so aware of myself. My attention is drawn almost like a magnetic attraction to somewhere deep inside myself. Never unconscious, as I was telling M and M, it is not a trance. I am never more alert, I may not respond to a sudden noise as though I were alert. But that is because I am in touch with more important things. But a curious thing, and I think a key point in this whole thing -- my conscious perception seems to go inward only so far and then it stops. I can imagine and conjure as best I can, but beyond that edge I cannot go. And yet, as time goes on and with practice, this edge keeps deepening. So I keep try8ing to go deeper, trying to grasp and understand what I am doing, what I am contacting, because strength comes with conscious knowledge. Unconscious does me no good. I am sure this is meditation, but I am equally sure that people who practice it don’t practice it sufficiently, or to their capacity. Else we would have some remarkably talented people around and I don’t see too many. Sometimes, I wonder where they are because I can’t be the only one who’s contacting this thing. To quote: strength is born of knowledge. The more I understand who and what I am REALLY, the stronger I am and the more I can do. Such strength will be felt by the society, it is not, as something, a plaything to while away empty hours. It is a positive flow of energy. Once stimulated into being it will affect people and it cannot be turned back.
In D I see something interesting. He desires to change and to understand, perhaps very much. But he is idly wishing and not doing anything about it. What I see is this: the fountain of energy which is D’s intelligence and life force, is flowing through him at a set speed. It cannot be increased or slowed down at will. Just as you can’t intensify the light in a room by sitting and wishing it to be. You have to actually do something to add more energy to it, to put more fuel on the fire. There are natural laws that govern life and there is no exception to the rules. It behooves us deeply to know what those laws are. I wish I could write about them but they are so deeply spiritual, for lack of a better word, and they are so flexible and adaptable to the individual, that I can’t.
With D, he wants to feel more affection for his wife. He wants to do this strongly because he is unhappy as he is now - cold and unaffectionate. But he simply talks about it and he talks to her about it and he tries to explain it, but nothing happens. Such feelings will never come until he actually performs an act of affection and not just with words. He must force a flow of energy. He must be willing to do this. Which of course he isn’t. If he were, he would have done it long ago. So that the choice privilege - the freedom of will - lies in choosing to do something, being willing to do it, to try it even if it fails. He must simulate affection, even if he doesn’t feel it. If he wants to change he MUST. Then and only then, will he expand himself. In fact, he could not stop the expansion from happening once he gave this fuel to the fire of life. It would take care and take over. This is the whole essence of letting life work through you. Take the opportunities, choose the direction, add the wood to the fire by making the initial action, and then step back. Take on the pose of ultra alertness and observe what happens. This is a true chemical action. A true law of nature and one that cannot be recalled or changed. It is irrefutable.
Be aware of the negative actions - they work the same way.
August 2, 1976
(Costa Rica) We have been getting the office ready for the brokerage firm, with the help of Diego and Deana. Many things have been happening. I am so aware of these happenings but will hone in only on the movements. I can’t think of any other term that suits this thing better than “movements”. When Diego came back from New York, I told him about the movements. He seems to know what I am talking about - but I get no definite response. I receive conscious perceptions from him that perhaps he doesn’t even know he’s sending. (I am picking up so much!) I enjoy being around him for that reason - he is a mirror without knowing it. We have also been talking with Deana and Diego on a personal relationship level, and Bob is helping them both so much to bring things out in the open. Box is the talker and the leader.
But since we have picked up the pace for the new office, I have been getting more and more hyper. I feel an energy level unreal. It is so much to me that it worries me. My head pounds sometimes and I don’t know what to do about it. The other day I expressed myself more and more until I was exploding almost. I am worried. I find it hard to cope with. I saw an edge to my sanity the other day, over which I am afraid to fall. It is like a tremendous force filling me over - my energy level is superior to anything. And now I must learn how to stop this. Bob and I have been asking questions and talking about this, so as to find an answer. I need a confirmation. And the other day we ran into some people who just brought a spiritual healer to Costa Rica. They are keeping it hush-hush and mysterious, but they recognized that I would be good to talk to.
Today they came over for lunch, Bob went downtown for a meeting with Miguel Barzuna, the president of the Board at the Bolsa (which I have been going to all along with Bob). Bob was a little worried about my seeing these people - afraid perhaps of my falling victim again to spiritualist theories. But he knew I needed to talk to him. Feliciano is his name, a 39-year-old from the Phillipines. At 16 he was taken over by a force similar to mine. His father helped him through it, and he has been healing ever since, though he says it is not his first choice. He would rather be a farmer.
Feliciano and his wife, Barbara [an American], and Al & Gabie Blackburn arrived and we went through the bedroom where the dog was in the process of giving birth to some puppies, and out onto the patio. The mood was light and casual. Feliciano walked around, seeming to be in thought, and then smiled broadly. He said he felt like he was floating, the vibrations were so nice. He walked to one corner and said they were especially strong there. I don’t know why, unless, as Barbara said, there was water under there. We went back in to see the dog, there were seven puppies, and Feliciano said there were no more in her.
We sat in the rocking chairs and had fruit drinks, I had coffee. The sun was half out, to be warm but not hot. Thej accuzzi was hot - it has been on for several days. I asked them if they wanted to go in. Al said theydidn’t bring anything, and I said I could find something for them to wear. They didn’t want to. They wanted to talk.
After a few feeling-out sentences, I started to explain what I was bothered about. Barbara suggested he could tell better if he saw me in action. I was self-conscious, but the atmosphere was free. I got up and the feeling had just contacted, when Feliciano said, “It’s coming!” and at that moment, the force took me to bend over dramatically. He said again, “It’s coming!” and he laughed. Then he said, “Sit down!” I did and asked him what it was.
He said there was a golden ray coming down and entering me at the back of the head or the neck, pointing it out. He said there is a spirit which is wanting to work through me, and has been trying to work through me. Barbara explained that Feliciano had three spirits (guides) working with him, helping him heal. He is a spiritual surgeon. He goes into the body with his fingers, no knife, no hole, but slides in between themolecules, so they say. They talked and I listened, not ready to accept the guide story. Feliciano did not talk much. Barbara did most of it, with Gabie and Al filling in. Feliciano said that my solar plexus was wide open and it was still coming through. He said I should learn to close it, otherwise I would attract parasites. I’m not sure what he meant by this. I was feeling the flow. My body was rather warm. It has been over the last 3 or 4 days or so. I told them I thought I was going through the change of life. He asked me how old I was. 38 I told him. He laughed. He said the warmth was the healing power. He saw that it was still flowing. He said, use it. Go touch Gabie’s throat right now. She had a problem. I went and touched it and my body started the breathing out deeply. I closed my eyes. I felt the hand and arm vibrate. He placed my other hand on the back of Gabie’s head. I was self-conscious and couldn’t feel the force. I stopped the heavy breathing. He told me to breathe heavy.
His voice carried conviction. He did not waste any words. In fact, he didn’t speak as much as I would have liked. I went back and sat down and he saw that it was gone before I did. He said, while my hands were still on Gabie’s throat that “it is going away, it is receding.” Then it was still coming after I sat down. The top of my head was pounding. I asked him how to stop that. I’m afraid I honed in too closely on questions, not permitting the answers to come freely. After a while, he asked if I wanted him to stop it. I didn’t quite know what he meant, and I said yes. His vibes were safe. They brought me into the bedroom and I laid down. All four of them placed their hands on me and it did feel as though they were taking the hyper feelings away. In its place, it was cool and refreshing. Barbara said Feliciano always was full of energy after a healing. So this hyper feeling is apparently common among psychic healers. While he worked on me his hands rubbed my forehead, my eyes, my neck, my chest and shoulders and arms. He pushed into the solar plexus and felt a few things there and mentioned them. His thrust was very firm and hard.
Later, I felt so good I felt the movements coming back and I smiled to myself, thinking the whole thing defeated itself. Feliciano sat upright on the chair in the corner (the big cushion where he had sprawled) and asked me if it was coming back. I nodded and he came over and placed his hands upon my head real hard. He had AL time two mutes, then extended it to three. He placed his thumb real hard on the spot where the greatest pressure was on my head. Later he adjusted my neck, my spine (with his knee) and placed his hands upon my legs and stomach. I guess he gave me a real working over. Although I don’t know quite what he did, it seemed to feel like a realignment. It was a good touch.
When we finished lunch, which was light, talking with the others talking more, Al drove them home. I asked them if we could see them again so they could meet Bob. He said we would make an appointment. Then he asked for our telephone number.
Gabie stayed while Al drove them home because Al suggested that Gabie and I should talk. I didn’t quite know about what, but I carried it through. We talked, not about anything special. Until Al came back. Then I found out that Gabie wanted to do a treatment with me. I allowed her to but it was unsuccessful. She uses a fantasy to get people to find out about their problems. I couldn’t fantasize. Only blackness. I felt her expectations and vibes. They don’t fit with mine well. It occurred to me that she really wanted to help me and I didn’t want to hurt her by not performing! That’s strange, but I really didn’t want to disappoint her. But I couldn’t do anything. Then when we were talking to Al, I enjoyed hearing him talk about the here and now, and this is the only reality.
I sense a little straining here. I’m not sure what the cause is. But they both felt that Feliciano’s theory about the spirit guide was probably not meant for me. I just listened. I would much rather talk to Feliciano alone. The others were too serious. I laughed a lot, couldn’t help it. And Feliciano laughed freely. I liked him. But I think I have a better feeling what to do. The control whether it is a spirit or my self is up to me, and I must practice it. He said I should go out and use this force when it comes, don’t hang on to it, always use it.
February 18, 1981
Bob and I are staying at Saddlebrook Resort near Tampa, waiting for our house to be ready in Zephyrhills. Today Bob insisted that I do my movements. I don’t know what he sees in me when he says, “It’s time,” I know I that it’s time to do the movements but what does he see? But then everything seems to click into place. I must choose my words carefully now, for today I had a most wonderful revelation. it is so fantastic that I hesitate to put it into words. I understand how such revelations came to be hidden. Secret from the world. But it’s time to reveal these things.
Today the movements were not strong. I put on the OM cassette by Muniji and began the movements mildly. I lit a candle and also incense. These help to create a better than normal atmosphere. And immediately I could see how my future alter will be in the new home. I want the crystal ball, a beautiful round clear image of perfection in the center. the crystal remains in Costa Rica, locked in the filing cabinet inside the closet. (more on the alter.) And then it began. Deep within the center of the human body, deep inside of myself, lying cradled like a lovely jewel in the bowl of the pelvis as in a human womb, on a plane not to be seen with the naked eyes, burns the true crystal ball. It covers the entire pelvic bowl. It looks like the solid one, but infinitely more impressive, it is awesome to see, it is bright beyond comprehending, and I am sure even brighter than as I saw it. It burns there in total perfection. There is absolutely no flaw in it. And as I suspected on one other occasion when I received barely an instinctive glimpse and no more, the crystal ball of the magician is merely a poor imitation of this genuine pearl that lives within, unseen, unknown by any except the one who, through his own stripping away of discriminations, limitations, faults, one by one, the piercing of the heavy wraps which surround this ball of light, can now see. This is the pearl of great price. The light hidden under the bushel. This is the true self. This is the one seated upon the throne. This is the only true master and teacher of that individual who lives off of it, dependent upon it. It is the core, the heart, the true heart of the body and of the person. This is the I Am Presence , the presence of God within the body. The spark of divinity given to every man and woman born into this world and it is truly there, for I have seen it.
Then began the series of revelations. These were meant only for me but I record them only as one person’s experience, so others may weigh them by their one value. I thought to myself as I gazed upon this glowing white ball of light, which resembled the sun but more pure, more white, it had the semblance of a diamond in that the unnamable, untouchable glitters of color sparkling here and there can be stilled. They merely whisper and are gone, merged again into the white glow of the main body of light. It bears the aura, the sense of great intelligence. An intelligence too refined to bend to common supplications or common problems. It is too magnificent, its regalness too high, too pure, too holy for the world of men, to focus on any one thing. It would be like asking the sun to shine only on one nation, but not on the others. The sun, like this pearl, is too great, too powerful to be shut down sufficiently to examine its qualities. So with this inner light, it cannot be examined. It cannot be moved. Yet it is the embodiment of all virtue and all knowledge and from it can be taken the answers to all the specific problems troubling us. For this is how it happened.
I asked myself, how does this light come to be here, and not in the head? Why are people striving to reach the top of the head, when the light is down below here? I asked these questions in the form of thoughts and the answers came in the form of thoughts and visions too. Immediately, there was no waiting.
“The light comes from above, from the greater light. It descends down through the crown of the head, through the soft spot, down, down, down, to nestle in the cradle of the body. It is the tender core, the most sensitive and vulnerable region in the body, as it is also in the trunk of a tree, where the roots begin to branch outward and downward. Here it lies to give life to the body [by drawing from the earth]. Here it would lie pure if a person would allow it. But division often happens, and out of this wholeness and absolute completion, an element speaks out thus in that very act, separating itself from the whole and taking on a separate identity. The element which speaks first has come to be called the negative element, the female action or yin, for its act of separation is a withdrawal. It is a withdrawal that forces the remaining wholeness to become positive, as it reaches out to draw it back. And this is the male, the yang.
"And so from out of that pure, lovely, flawless, glowing white light of absolute virtue, love and light, I saw first a smaller light, no less pure, but only smaller giving the impression of being less pure moving, moving outward to one side and upward, and immediately, a second light moved out from the other side and up. And the two lights moved up and around in the form of a spiraling dance around the central column. Moving first away from the central column, then irresistibly back in towards the central column, irresistibly as if longing to be together, and then moving away again in an upward direction, around and around, forming figure eight spirals as first one, then the other, moved upward.
"Now this central core was also a tube of light but more massive and it was down through this central core that the ball of light initially passed, leaving behind it a trail of potency like a translucent shell through which it will pass one day again when it returns home. It is a lovely tube, like a neon tube of light, and it was around this central tube that the two elements danced as they spiraled upward. They crisscrossed and touched each other at times, as they passed in the figure eight spiraling, and these times were the games that the male and female played together. And at other times they met and stayed together. These were the times where they had glimpses of the truth and they lingered over that truth, remembering and enjoying the wholeness that they used to be. One of the longest times they stayed together was in the region of the heart. This bears a secret I did not understand totally. There was a sense of humbleness here. And when they continued on above the heart, spiraling upward, it was somehow different. There was a different air about them, as though they had learned something and their lives had more purpose. There was intelligence to their games, an orderliness or striving now where before it was only fun. And they continued, two lines of light weaving in and out and back and forth in a spiral motion up and around the outside of the tube of the central core through which the ball of light had originally passed on its journey downward.
And they reached the top and merged. They merged into one whole again but the ball of light still remained below. They paused in their wholeness. They could not go any further because there was a blockage at the top of the head that looked like a bird's nest. They looked back down the long tube of light. This time they could see into the central core and they realized what they had done. Realized that they had to return. They had to go back down to merge with and become the ball of light again, in order to go any further. Together in wholeness they journeyed downward, illuminated by understanding. They moved downward, back through the central core to touch once more the ball of light and together all three as one moved upward through the tube. Not around this time, but through the central core. When they reached the top of the head at the crown, at the tender soft spot, there appeared to be another cradle, just like the cradle of the pelvis. There are little petals around this cradle which liked like a bowl, sticking out from all around, like a fluted pie shell into which you pour the apples for an apple pie. It looked exactly like a crown sitting on top of the head, and here within the cradle, the new womb, the three now merged as one, cavorted. There the vision ended, for it was the entry into another plane which I could not see. There was a brighter light, a greater promise, and a feeling of infancy and newness and wholeness all over again.
The many stories in scripture form came to me as this was going on. Many things come all at the same time during while the vision was taking place, yet all of it is absorbed, as impossible as that may seem, for the capacity is greater to absorb and understand in this more expanded realm than in the normal field of thinking. Eve was the one to speak first to Adam, asking him to take a bite of the apple. Which he did, so the story goes, and which in that act separated them from the original wholeness that they were a part of. The original wholeness being the garden of Eden. So from out of that wholeness called Eden which supplied them with everything they needed, love, purity, food, totality, they were flung, first she due to her act of withdrawal, then he due to his act of following her to try to reach her and claim her back again. And in the time that followed they had their ups and downs, their games and their time of learning. Yet it was not a wasted journey for they were expanding and learning many things about themselves. They were growing, gaining all the while, knowledge of their own personalities, self-knowledge. They were learning the lessons of good and evil because of their own desires. They were expanding consciousness of themselves. Then when they reached the top and merged into one, it was the prodigal son, the child, who thus realized that he had left his father, his community, down below. It was this son who returned and was received with a joy not to be believed.
And then I asked, “But if this is truly the secret of the kundalini, how does this fit with those who never leave, who never separate out from the ball of light? Are there any such persons born who do not separate but instead remain pure with the central core?” The answer was: “Those who never leave the central core are too pure. They will not remain in the world. There is no reason for them to be here.” The vision caused many questions: When is the kundalini physically felt? Is the kundalini aroused when the two separate from the wholeness in the beginning? Or when the male-female energy now integrated as one descend back down to reconnect with the ball of light? Are these two lines, motor nerves in the spinal column? Is there a correlation in the physical makeup of the body? Is what I saw only how it happened with me? Does it happen differently with other people? By meditating on the top of the head, does that stimulate the ball of light at the bottom to expand? The session ended with no further answers.
March 1, 1981
(Costa Rica) Things are coming from all directions. Or am I expanding in all directions? It is speeding up again. For awhile after returning to Florida it slowed down, reaching its lowest ebb while we stayed for the last two days after a swingers cruise with S and A at Bay Point outside of Miami. The cruise was quite a wonderful, exciting adventure, but though they expected more from us, I was pooped out. The party was over.
Now, at the home of the L's last night [back in Costa Rica] I re-discovered some old books in their tiny library. As Bob and Marg sat discussing the affairs of the collapsed economy of Costa Rica and the world in general as it affected the working man, and after Maynard went off to bed so he could get up early and play golf, I was drawn in the darkness of the candle-lit dining room irresistibly to those shelves. I pulled out a book printed in the 1800’s by an enlightened man by the name of leReaux in Michigan. It had gold printing on an old dark blue cover, tattered at the edges. I opened it and began to read under the hall light. It was a translation from the writings of a magician during the years between 1501 and 1550 when he was attempting to pull together and make some order out of those esoteric and ancient truths that had come tumbling down through the ages with little coherency except to those who seem to know, somehow. This morning as I write I am still vibrating with the glimpses revealed to me then, for as we drove home I was on a cloud of light.
When we climbed into bed it seemed the very heavens were pushed back for me. I felt as though I were waking up from a long sleep. How could this be, I thought to myself? I could see beyond the reasoning mind, or was it that the reasoning grew up in one single jump, far beyond its old outposts? I know more today than I did yesterday and the knowledge is stupendous. But it is knowledge about which I cannot write yet. Although one thing I know with an absoluteness that defies proof. And that is that there are beings, intelligent beings helping me, and probably helping others, too. I can see them with those faculties that perceive things not physical.
With these same faculties I saw the first glimpses while we were still in Florida. We had gone out to eat at a seafood restaurant, just Bob and me, and I had smoked a marijuana cigarette alone before we left. Though I do not smoke often, perhaps two a month, on those occasions when I do it is always a revelation of extraordinary dimensions. On this occasion as we sat in a second class restaurant near the water dipping lobster into melted butter, I looked through the dark window pane to the even darker trees on the other side of the road and saw instead of the darkness a sea of something indescribable. It was an essence like a heat mirage from the road in the distance. It was a lovely thing, alive, not solid, not liquid, not gas, not space, not sound, not color, but it was something else unnameable. Yet it is more alive, more intelligent and more knowledgeable and more perfect and more compassionate than any of the above. If I had to choose a name for this unnameable essence, it would be intelligence. Intelligence that is refined to such perfection and including all beneath it, that it became beauty and loveliness - a thing to be desired. There was a magnetism that drew me irresistibly to forget all else around me. It was absorbing me and teaching me at the same time.
As I watched the movements of this lovely essence, for it never stopped its action which radiated with purpose, I saw it consolidating and stopping here and there, falling to a close or an end, though all around it the action continued. And each stopping point was a human consciousness that could not comprehend any more. That was its limit of reason. Then I realized the science of astrology for each stopping point fixed it at a certain place and time. Therefore a man born in 1510 in Europe, for example, would have had a life totally different from that same consciousness if it were born again in 1924 in Chicago.
And then between the verbal conversation which I was carrying on with Bob, I saw the lightening of the ages, the thinning out and elevating of the years and the coming gifts that will arrive from the ancients who watch us. Those marvelous, non-selfish, human beings who are helping us by stimulating our instincts for growth, the genetic implants within us which have been so slow in developing, And as they stimulate us with visions and dreams and thoughts, we learn to let go and move on.
Do I dare form the words that are hanging in the hallway of my mind? If I were living in 1510 would I have gotten this far? Surely not. But today is a new time and a new space, and I am at the brink of breaking through and expressing that which I am. Only then can I go on and continue my journey through the rarefied mists of intelligence beyond.
As I lay last night in the arms of Bob, cuddling against his hairy chest and feeling my skin melt into his, the cells jumping in my leg muscles, my stomach, arms, head and ;skin. It prickled all over as though being charged with electricity. I wanted to jump out of bed and run through the house and out of doors and shout that I am free! Something inside of me wanted to do just that, but I couldn’t. That would have pushed me beyond reason and I must fight to stay within the confines of logic. Hard to do but consciousness expands slowly, so a physical acceptance can keep up with it, all moving together in a delicate balance. The limits of that balance are the limits of sanity. It is no wonder that those who have glimpsed these things have often flipped out. A glimpse into the unknown is the thinning away of the barriers that protect us - the barrier that enfolds us as the shell of an egg protects the delicate yoke inside. Some call it the aura but it is the protective veil that shields us from too much of the cosmic power that sizzles with a life beyond our ability to handle. And thus we stop there. It is the edge of our consciousness. And slowly we push upon it. Only subtle thinning is safe. The mild, gentle learning, all within reason, within “time”, within the ability of the environment to handle it, for an opening in this veil is an entry point of this power into the world. It is an awesome power and we must become responsible.
And further, I saw something which still lingers in me awaiting capture and definition. It concerns the wondrous art of meditation. So many people want to meditate and yet, very few are successful in their attempts and are thus living in a frustration which need not be. Meditation lies not in the technique. It lies not in what you do with your hands, your feet, your sitting position. It lies not in a peaceful environment or a place of privacy. Meditation does not depend on any of these things. Successful meditation depends upon desire. Desire is the only ingredient that will assure success and one must wait until desire builds sufficiently to push oneself into action. One may read, one may imagine, one may talk with others and one may learn techniques. But in the end none of these things will do it for him. Only his desire will catapult him finally into giving up some of his life to make room for it.
Desire is the seed that causes change. Desire stimulates the cosmic energy in the center of the body. Desire is the vacuum into which rushes the answer. Desire stimulates the psychic energy, the cosmic power which lives dormant in the center, in the geometric enter of the body as in the heart of a seed. Therefore it must be a deep desire, a strong desire. I am speaking of the kundalini now.
Sexual desire is the primal stimulation, the first movement of the cosmic growth. Use it with the same curiosity with which it was first born. Use it with awe, with respect, with wonder. Discover its magic, encourage its feeling, for it is a beginning. Use it until you can use it with freedom, the freedom to do or not to do, as you yourself choose and then knowledge will come. For knowledge follows such a freedom like a shadow follows a man as he walks toward the light. Then the great mystery of sex is reduced to rubble in the light and a new science is born - the science of spiritual knowledge and it is built upon a physical base. A base strong enough to support it.
January 9, 1982
As to the enigma of the vision I saw one day in May last year, prompted by my asking “What is the Kundalini?” and during which I saw the white light glowing as a ball of something purer than the air - a light which is not a light. A light which is the absence of anything less than perfect. It was as if the light were perfection itself and yet I actually was able to see this with my inner vision - see it as if it were a real thing, a solid thing. But to continue and not be delayed by the description, I have been, ever since that day, puzzled over the manner in which the spirit anchors itself in the human form, or perhaps anchors itself to build a human form around it. The books which I read provide partial answers and I am intrigued - urged - to put it all together so that it feels right and whole. So far I am less than satisfied.
However, I was reading Djwal Kul‘s book last night, Intermediate Studies of the Human Aura, and I saw something. I saw once again this purity that comes from on high, this germ of holiness that seeks to manifest in the physical world and to become aware of itself. This spark of holiness remains pure all the while it resides in the human form. It must, to retain the blueprint of the whole while a portion of itself breaks away to wander through the maze of forces and influences of the physical world to learn.
What is this portion that breaks away? It becomes known as the soul or perhaps the holy ghost, for it wanders and moves around, here and there, collecting experience as it goes. In the vision last year, in answer to “What is Kundalini?” I saw two tiny sparks of light leave the holy ball as it lay in all its pristine beauty in the pelvic bowl of the human body. I saw them each one move off; first one, then the other as if to chase it. One moved off from the left side, the other moved off from the right. It seems to me that the right hand side moved off first, although it it is hard to recall now such a detail. The other moved off as if it were joined to it and had to follow. It had no choice, for each was a part of the other. And the first one moved off because it sought an answer. it sought to know, perhaps to find experiences, I do not know. But that was what I felt from it as I watched. That it was in a sense like an eager child seeking experience.
But the pure and holy glow remained behind, settled in and at peace within the pelvic bowl, so beautifully glowing. White and radiant with such a purity I cannot describe. Thus it would seem that the two sparks, the one leading and the other following, began to climb upward in a spiraling motion, round and round. On occasion they met in their spiraling upward and they touched each other than, but did not linger. Onward and upward they climbed, higher and higher. When they reached the region of the heart, they lingered, ever so briefly. They seemed to slow and take pause. And then they left, each in its own direction, spiraling upward once more. It was my impression that they joined here within the heart, united once more if ever so briefly. Could this be the soul? It would seem that the soul is not one but two - two elements that keep chasing one another. Could it be that that is the only way that the soul would ever leave the safety and bliss of its parentage? It would seem that some quite remarkable incentive would be needed to shove a part of itself out into the darker world. It would have to be a very immense shove - perhaps a desire? A desire to know something of the darker world?
At any rate I am quite convinced now that what I saw in my vision was the birth of the soul leaving its parent source - the utter purity of the life flame itself that is present in every human body. It was my impression at the time that the first spark which left was the feminine spark which reminds me of the story of Adam and Eve as they left the garden of Eden, the utter purity of God.
And so the soul contiued upward, alone (the two elements needed to create the tension for movement, female and male, or positive and negative, or passive and aggressive). Without tension there would be utter peace and no need for movement.
As the soul continued upward it finally reached the crown of the head - and it was as if they had reached their pinnacle. They had found what they were searching for and they joined hands here, ready to reunite as one. However, as they did so, they saw (I saw in my vision) that there was something missing. They seemed to turn and look downward - down the long tube of semi-transparent light that stretched downward beneath them - to the glow that lay at the bottom. The feeling then was, You can’t go any further beyond this point until you return back down and and reclaim (whatever was below, which I didn‘t understand at the time.) Down within the pelvic bowl was their parent source, which they had forgotten in their travels. And now they realized that they had reached the end of their journey and could go no further without the parent. As they realized this they did not hesitate, but turned and began the what seemed to be a long descent downward to reach the pure light below. Could this be the much mysterious descent into the earth needed before the ascension?
They descended through the semi-translucent white glowing tube of the spinal column to the glowing ball of purity and re-united with it. The three became one? Could this be the trinity? There were two who rejoined the parent.
Could this be the awakening? The arounsal of the kundalini? The psychic force of God said to lie in dormant condition at the base of the spine?
The book says that one must descend from the bowl (the seat of the soul) to the base of the spine, indicating that the base of the spine is lower than the bowl itself. I saw the light inside the bowl for that it is where I felt the “click” of the arousal on that day. It was at the bottom of the large intestine area which would be inside the bowl. Where then does the base of the spine come in?
In my vision I asked the question: What then is the kundalini? The answer was ascension. It is preparation for the final ascension, after which there is no more rebirth. The soul goes along with the spirit from birth to death and from death to birth but separate from spirit because it has not joined with it. It is separate life after life as the soul seeks to know who it is, where it came from, to understand. This is its purpose for being born into the physical world. The soul is the son who wanders away in search of answers, leaving the parent and family far behind.
This soul becomes the mind, or the consciousness, that we are. I am me. Who is me? That consciousness of being here, of acting, of doing. I am typing. My body is the tool, but the soul is the awareness of the journey, the self awareness that it is typing. This is the finite mind, the finite awareness of life in this world. Soul and mind are one. This is the mind which does not need a brain to be conscious. It is conscious all by itself. At death when the body dies, it wanders aloft in the discarnate world - the astral world. Still disconnected from its parent source. It seeks experience, and so long as it does, it remains disconnected from its parent. Does it go back to the parent before being born again? No, it is born again and again and again, always disconnected from its parent. But it learns more and more, as it lives each life, and gains more insight into who it is. It was born to learn about itself, and so it does.
The shorter way home to the father is to cease looking for experience and become silent, to turn around and look downward. Down into the depths where lies the pure roots of his being. The underground stream - the roots of the tree of life. It is down, passive, silent. Absorb, absorb deep within, rather than reaching out. Absorb and be still, but do this consciously, actively absorb, do not let others force you to be still. It must be of a conscious choice. It is free will, and only through free will that the soul will return to the father satisfied and content that he has become done with his wandering. This is an “old” soul, tired and weary and wise from traveling. Content to return home. This is symbolized in the story of the prodigal son.
Now, as it nears its reunion with the father he approaches eternal preservation of himself. Always there was a danger that he would stray too far and begin the devastating road to destruction. For a soul can wear itself out, burn itself out from straying too far from the light and from noble action. Evil action, action turned towards the hurting of others, cuts deep and irreparable wounds in the cord that connects it to the father source. Severed as a knife cuts through a thick and heavy rope, the soul then begins to wither and dry up, allowing less and less light to come through. Still intelligent, the soul keeps moving, for it is a portion of the original intelligence, it retains the original intelligence, and it will continue to move even though partially severed from holiness. But unless it repairs its ways, the wound will gap open further, cutting off more of the life energy until eventually the soul is severed from its parent without repair. Then it is in its death throes and all of that soul’s experiences, lives of precious experience, have been lived in vain. for he has chosen not to go the road of holiness and wholeness. He has chosen to go his own way to the end, without regard or consideration for the parent which gave him life and which has the ability to take it back again.
All of this must be done through free will. A soul is born to learn about free will. He is meant to choose to come back home and join with the total, the rest of creation which lives in total harmony, or he sacrifices himself totally, in which case he dies and his memory dies with him. All is erased.
Now as he joins with his parent source, all of his previous incarnations have been lived for a purpose. He has indeed served himself well. He has done good and he has done bad, but he has learned about free will. He has learned why he came and what life is all about. And in the end he has determined that the father source, the eternal life energy of all is the only way he wants to go. He chooses, freely, to unite with that energy and so he does. He has returned home. This is the story of the prodigal son returning home. It is the story of repent and you shall be saved.
The only way to earn eternal preservation of memory - to create an eternal individual - is to reunite with the holy glow within, which always remains pure. Then it does not need, does not want, to come back into the physical world any more. It is done. This is also known as the alchemical marriage. Also as the lion lying down with the lamb (the lamb being the passive holy one). It is also known as the bride preparing for the bridegroom. This is the birth of the Christ, the son of the holy father. Now the holy son must descend into the earth before he can ascend. This is symbolized by the sacrifice and the death and the burial of the holy son. But he rises from out of the depths. but first he must descend before he rises in order to awaken the matter within the body. He must awaken the body so that it can release him. He must descend to unlock the doors of the body. He must descend to awaken that life-giving force in the body known as the kundalini. This is the final step. Then he can rise, along with the energy in the body.
The energy of the body is not the soul, is not the spirit. The energy of the body, the kundalini, is energy given to the body specifically for this purpose. It is there as the hidden germ is there within the passive seed, awaiting germination. Now the soul must unlock this hidden germ, to start the germination process. It is the final step in blending the pure intelligence with the matter of the physical world. This is often known as the father blending with the mother, the mother being the physical world. So then, you have the father as the pure ball of light. The mother which is the energy locked in the body (the kundalini) and the son as the awareness of the individual soul who now merges with its father and thus becomes the Christ. Again the trinity comes in.
Sometimes the kundalini force (the god force locked in the body from birth) is awakened BEFORE the soul returns to its glowing parent nestled into the pelvic bowl. I think this happened to me. In that case it would appear that the return of the soul to its parent (after many, many incarnations it finally returns - a triumph of no small thing) clicks into the body force, which is then released and proceeds with a growing realization.
Could that explain the woman who has an excess energy (some say epileptics have this spiritual force already released but don’t know what to do with it) - and when she was in my presence she shook uncontrollably. And when I realized what I was seeing in her, her body responded without her control. It was as if my recognition triggered the shivers in her! I do believe that this is the case.
In my case and in the woman’s case above, we have both been released sexually. Could it be that sexual acceptance and sexual training, sexual capacities, release this? There are grounds for believing this. But in the case of celibates who do not utilize the sexual energies of the body, also do not free the body’s natural energies. They are those who keep them locked tight away as in a sealed drum and they must then descend to release it. They must descend. How does one descend? I do not have an answer, unless it is to descend into the sexual zone and partake. I cannot think of any other way to descend in the normal activity of human life within which all of this must take place. In such a case where a disciple works unceasingly on his spiritual qualities, meditating long hours, and devoting long hours to physical labor but none to blending into the world, then in his or her case he may return to the parent source, find the bliss awaiting for him there, and then perhaps he returns to the top of the head (of which I will speak in a moentl) without ever awakening the body’s wonderful psychic energies - the God energies locked inside the body. Which are locked in there for a purpose: to awaken the autonomic nervous system so that it comes alive under the conscious direction of the soul residing therein. As all systems come alive under the will of the resident, the resident becomes a master of that body, may ask it to walk on water and it will do so. May ask its heart to stop and it will do so. May ask it to become invisible and it will do so. That is because once the resident of the body becomes reunited with its parent source, it is free and it may unlock the body’s energies and unite with them and the whole being is free - as free as a bird.
In my case, since I had no teacher, I did not learn about how to develop the body’s energies to perform miracles, but I have felt the potential. My destiny is different - it is to teach and talk about these things. Perhaps I will perform miracles before my time is up, but that is all relatively unimportant. Important to me is to explain, express, to show that the soul is free at last. Free to rise forever out of sight of physical men and women - into the zone of godhood where reside all of the ascended masters. And death, which is the last enemy, is conquered. The final body will not die - but this is only if the body’s energy is released, expressed, practiced with and used to its ultimate glory. It is my feeling that, depending on the different schools of esoteric thought, some masters do not know this part and therefore do not teach it to their disciples. Perhaps they feel that the ultimate state of bliss (nirvana) is sufficient. In that case, they will sit or kneel, and jump over the physical world to blend with the godhead without tampering with any physical expression. But the world lies waiting for such rare people to be born to show the world what they can do and to release the world to more refinement. They are models of a future race - a race of gods. They are few and rare.
Now when the soul reunites with the father, whether or not he “descends” into what I believe is sexuality, to release the body’s energy, he turns around and ascends. He ascends upward to the crown. If he has released the body’s energy he will ascend by way of the many avenues of the nervous system, culminating in bodily movements, freeing the body of tension blocks as he goes. If he has not released the body’s energies he will ascend directly up the spinal column to the head and feel great pressure in the head.
Also if a person is spontaneous, has trained himself to be spontaneous, he will find himself doing postures and movements. But if he has not, as in the case of Krishnamurti who suffers headaches all the time, he will be outwardly quiet and not be given to bodily movements. Instead he will be prone to meditate a great deal of the time.
I am excited for all that I have spoken of here, feels about 95% right. It is not quite complete yet. I have more to go but I am putting these words down on paper because I am on the path.
The secret to lessen the pressure of bodily energy which has been stored up inside, is to live it. Express it. Do it! Release it in a way, however, that will not hurt other people. Wisdom is required. Demand a harmonious environment. Give the body its due. For this is the soil in which God is born in flesh. Let him thrive and grow in this outer world. It is a rare thing. Such young gods should be protected, catered to, loved and nourished with all of the nutrients they themselves say they need. People should not try to outguess them or teach them. They are gods in human form and they know what they need. See that their atmosphere is pure and loving for the pure light of life (which they are truly) may grow and thrive healthily. It is god who is born into the world. Anyone who brings forth the energy of the body into physical manifestation, after blending with the parent source, is a god. This is the ultimate product of all esoteric teachings and knowledge. This is the pinnacle and the climax. The world is ignorant yet of this.
Alas for the world that many do not bother to enter into the world and express there, but rather ascend directly into heaven through the avenue of meditation and retreat, leaving not a mark on the world. More of them do it this way. As men and women bring the light of God out into the world before ascending into heaven, they will imprint a mark clear to see on the world in which live, making it a finer place than before they came. You will know. It will make it easier for those who follow after.
A word about those who have developed psychic capacities but not wisdom: they have opened the door to the body’s god energies and have learned to use it. But, because they have, themselves, not yet retuned to their parent source - the source of love, understanding, unity and cosmic brotherhood, tolerance and compassion - then they are still outcasts, no different than all of the other individuals who are still seeking to know themselves. They are the dangerous ones. Be careful not to follow a person because he has psychic ability. All people have psychic ability to a degree. Listen only to your own guidance, the guidance from the parent source within.
February 5, 1982
(Florida) Meditation by the pool this morning to get out of the way of Bob's walking. Also to get away from the flies. I opened the gates so they wouldn't disturb me and asked Bob to re-enter the house from the front so the patio screen door wouldn't disturb me.
It was deeper and more pleasant. No exercising at all. Only the cleansing breath and the deep slow breathing. As I listened to my programming tape I experimented. First I had a hard time focusing my wandering mind (what is mind?) I tried focusing on a wheel slowing down until the spokes were stationary. I wandered from that. I tried focusing on the pearl in my pelvic region. I wandered. I tried focusing on the crown and then the third eye (forehead) - I wandered. Then I thought, "These are finite objects". This is what I have objected to in all meditation techniques. So then I thought "vacuum" and there was peace and I did not wander.
During my meditation I saw the reason for the chakras (God centers) and what must be done. The base of the spine center is a pilot light sent at the time of conception. This is the god force in nature without which the soul could not be anchored.
The seat of the soul center is just above and is the power behind the sexual energies and reproductive organs. This is the center of freedom in its ultimate expression. Now it represents slavery and bondage because individuals are intimidated by the thought of sin and shy away from it, thus keeping the light hid behind a veil. The individual must open this center and accept the sexual forces into the body.
The solar plexus is the center of peace in its ultimate expression. Now it represents power and aggression in both action and thought, all of which must submit to peaceful intentions and therefore peace.
The heart is the center of love in its ultimate expression. Now it represents hate and other emotions which must all be transmuted by the individual to express only love in the highest form.
The throat is the center of perfect sound in its ultimate expression. Now it represents discordant sound which confuses and torments, but as the individual masters himself and his issues, the sounds that come forth - the words - will represent harmony and good will.
The third eye is the center of the perception of truth in its ultimate expression. Now it represents only confusion because of the distortions and blocks in the individual's makeup, but as these are cleared up, truth takes a natural position. The real motives then become clear behind any given situation. The real person behind the sick body, behind the sick mask, becomes clear and obvious, thus allowing healing to take place. Real facts behind a confused matter become known allowing the individual to move himself out of any given place. With the opening of this center, visions are seen which are insights into the real behind the mask.
The crown is the center of the perception of God and the higher order of intelligence. Now it represents the human intellect and reason because the individual cannot see beyond reason, but as he blossoms from within and as other chakras open he becomes clearer and clearer about himself, his life, and his body and he slowly opens this center to the super intelligence behind all of life which will flow in and out of him.
It is so simple! Each of these attributes may be worked upon all at the same time, by anyone.
(1) The seat of the soul center may be worked upon by practising to transmute sexual restriction into sexual freedom, pure and simple. (Freedom of attitude regarding his OWN sexual forces.)
(2) The solar plexus center may be opened by transmuting power and aggression into peace, pure and simple.
(3) The heart center may be opened by transmuting anger and chaotic emotions into love, pure and simple.
(4) The throat center may be opened by transmuting words of a destructive nature into words of good will, pure and simple.
(5) The third eye center may be opened by transmuting partial truths into whole truths, pure and simple.
(6) The crown center may be opened by transmuting blame for conditions and accidents into acceptance, pure and simple, accepting that there is a divine intelligence and a reason for all things. By so doing, the reason becomes known and no longer remains a mystery.
(7) The seventh center is the base of the spine, the lowest center in the human body. It is the pilot flame that burns quietly, anchoring the soul to the body. This may be awakened in all its splendor and force through the practice of letting nature have its way, letting natural movements happen in daily life, in the body. This includes appeasing hungers rather than suppressing them; expressing emotions rather than holding them back; following urges to the ultimate conclusion rather than ignoring them; changing physical conditions when they irritate, rather than pretending that they do not bother. The forces that live in the center are the forces that are held back by an individual who mistakenly thinks he is mastering his life but is not. He is actually suppressing life. The kundalini, the powerful god-force embedded in nature, comes forth only when allowed to express freely. Once it has been coerced into free expression, then one learns how to become the master. The lessons begin by yielding, blending, allowing the serpent fire to move though the body, learning its personality by blending with it. The individual must test himself here with this force. He must marry this force because he IS the force.
All of these practices may be worked on simultaneously. It may be a little hard for the mind to understand, but it is not a problem for the mind. It is a problem for the individual behind the mind. He must become bigger than the mind. It is a question of mastering the mind so as to affect attitude changes in the mind so that the soul may carry out its splendid destiny. Thus the God-man clothed in human flesh becomes free at last.
February 6, 1982
Slept late, got up at 10:41. Slept near 11 hours. Strange. It is warm this morning, hazy with the air saturated Fewith moisture. It is heavy to the skin so I dipped into the pool, cold, refreshed. Opened the two gates for Bob who is walking, discovered the front door was already unlocked. Outdoors by the pool I turned on the tape player to the programming tape - the meditation tape. I did not particularly feel like doing it this morning. The schedule is restricting, but Bob persuaded me.
I moved a bit to loosen and then knelt on the prayer bench by the pool. It is comfortable. I listen to the words of Muniji. They speak the truth. It is over and I get up and stretch before the end of the tape. I am moving and I am aware that the tape restricted me. I feel freer now. I am committed to this tape for four weeks to see what happens, so I will do it. Perhaps the first time in history that I will follow through with a scheduled program! Maybe I will learn something.
I am already learning. I am stretching my arms and my torso and the current is rippling through the blockages. I am aware that the balancing treatment that Paula does [jin shin jytsu] is exactly the same as my movements. Her fingers release tensions that block up, while my movements do the same. I feel the same sense of well-being and peace and euphoria after her treatments as I do after a lengthy session of my own movements. I am also aware that yoga does the same thing. They are equal: yoga, jin shin jytsu and my movements which have been labeled tai chi. Everything is the same: release of the energy whose real identity is the Self. God in human form whose destiny is to flow without interruption. That is why I feel good. That is why everyone feels good. I am robbing myself of this good feeling whenever I don’t do my movements, but I am committed to four weeks of programming. Perhaps I can get in some hours of movements inbetween.
I see in the depths of the pool the reflection of the pine tree - my friend who spoke to me one day. It is clear. I am aware of divinity. I am aware that I am king. I am aware that I have no master above me. I am aware that when Paula tells me I have blocks she is not talking to the true me. She is talking to the surface me - the me that is playing the games on the surface. I am aware that these are games and that I do not have to play. I am aware that the emotional blocks exist only in the outer world. They do not exist in the inner, in the seat where I reside in peace and calm. This place, this throne room cannot be touched by anything less than what I am. My own thoughts of restriction cannot pass through these doors. Anyone else’s suggestion of restriction neither can pass through. They fall away as if like shadows before the light of the truth. The tree’s reflection in the pool is not the real tree. I am aware. Neither is that which I expose to the world. I challenge all whom I meet to recognize me. Very few have. Very few. The identity remains hidden, but I know.
The moment passes and I am back on the side of the pool in gentle surroundings.
February 7, 1982
(Florida) It was cold this morning - colder than yesterday - out by the pool as I made ready for my meditation. I feel a little more into myself today than I felt before. I turned on my programming tape somewhere toward the end - it was when I was talking on the tape - the slightest movement began within. Shifting almost imperceptibly, left to right. It was almost nonexistent for several minutes and then it expanded and I was moving about four inches to the left and four inches to the right from shoulder level. Then my voice ended and Muniji’s voice came on strong. The movement stopped. Or rather, shifted, and now my body shimmied, or shook from the hips and waist. The shaking moved up to the chest and shoulders and finally to my head, and arms raised to shake. Then it stopped abruptly. And there was a very dull sensation at the top of my head. It was as if the energy made its ascent from a full resting position to the crown in a space of about four minutes. I have never thought of it before, but this happens occasionally. I think the energy is so integrated that it moves at will. I am so busy reading about it and being awed over it that I do not even notice that it is so active within me! It is so beautiful.
Last night at J & N’s we had a party. I smoked and saw something interesting. I saw again the substance of the finer life force. It is always like a liquid fire with many colors - like a mirage - yet like nothing on earth. It is a different thing. I saw that when a man or a woman has an orgasm all of life is having it. This was while I lay with Lee although he was not in any way involved in sex, just lying close. It is as though it doesn’t matter who is having it because Life is having it! This sounds very strange in this finite world where everything is divided up into individual units, but in the united sea of all-life - which is ever so real and together, a kiss, a hug, an orgasm, a hurt - it is happening to everyone all at the same time. I could see how it works. We are all united, the life in Lee is the life in me. And the life in me is the life in Bob. And life in Nance is the life in Jim and me - we are all one in the center where it counts. It was clear to me then, that it is natural and good to be in a room and feel the hurt of another, for I am that other and that other is me. Only in this outer realm are we divided. Lee told me that he didn’t understand when he was with me. That he felt different with me and he liked me so much he didn’t want to think of sex. He feels very soft as though we are of one skin, but he couldn’t say it. I feel it and so does he.
March 13, 1982
(Florida) My success is dependent on my timing, which depends upon my patience. Through these two doors I can watch for the cosmic pulse and flow with the cosmic tide. God is the energy embodied in man. Man is the outer shell. One day the shell will cease playing around with the God energy which he misuses, causing problems and darkness for himself -- and open the floodgates and go forth, uncensoring and unlimited. This is the plan.
Through perseverance in following one’s own heart, one can direct the floodgates and the flow coming through. One can direct and will one’s consciousness back to his center. And awaken - or invite - the God-energy to come forth. The way of perfection is to follow the natural path of the God-energies, the energies emanating through the aura. To hold it back is to deny God and to darken and sully your light. You will attract back to you all that you shed forth and if you radiate darkness, then darkness will return. If you radiate light, then light will return. When you hold back, your nerves tighten and cause a barrier that refuses to let in the light of God.
March 14, 1982
(Florida) Party last night at J & N’s. D & L were there. I struck a conscious note with D who appears to have let it slide down during normal interactions. Felt his energy take a distinct step upward when I was around. The party was too long. I get tired of dragging out this sex thing. There’s too much to do to waste this time.
Mr. Adamski said the more available you are, the higher you grow. I can feel it. It is as if things are ripening to a point where there will be an explosion of activity, but it is as if we are merely tufts of grass floating on the waves of the sea, doing nothing but going along with the current. It takes little effort but willingness. In meditations recently, the words are coming and I am accepting them. Putting them down on a little pad of paper I now keep nearby. I also keep a pad in the bedroom and in the kitchen and in the meditation room. The words that have always come and gone like the wind I am now capturing on paper without thought but as they fall. As of now, these words fall onto this paper.
A letter from Meicel, confused because a Theosophist told her God was so far, far away. Why, she asks, is he so far? What hope do we have? Foolish people - they do not understand. That is what I must tell them - he is closer than the tears that spring up in the breast at such a mean thought.
March 15, 1982
(Florida) I’m doing the deer exercise once a day. When done at night before going to bed I am awake two hours before Bob, alert and ready to get up. I whip through the house with more energy, more drive to accomplish the teachings, more revelations come through. More in tune with the light.
I watched The Wild Geese on TV last night with Bob. Mercenaries with quick killing. I experimented when violence came on. I focused inside and my eyes shifted to within several feet of the TV, away from the picture of violence. The shift was natural - and exciting. In the past when I tried to “overcome” the violence with a mental effort to “rise above it”, it didn’t work. My eyes were captured and stuck to the TV in spite of my efforts. Now my eyes shifted naturally. I saw a lighter-than-air light around me. “I saw the light”, I would have said once. But now I see that I merely shift focus and reside temporarily, for as long as I retain my focus, in the realm of lighter stuff - lighter substance. Consciousness is the key. Consciousness is a laser beam of sturdy material and one can reside within that ray of light protected.
This afternoon, Monday, I read the sales brochure from Lighthouse Summit. It is close to me and speaks to me. Ordered Mechanization Concept and Dossier on the Ascension. The ascended masters are very close to me. I am one of their people. Talked to a woman who’s been to the Bosque. She, too, had the God-force awaken in her in 1973 and went through similar traumas. We see her Thursday.
March 16, 1982
(Florida) Did deer exercise again last night before going to bed. Woke this AM long before Bob - at 8 - seeing revelations passing before my mind. The kundalini - the god-force - is scattered throughout the Christian Bible! The born-again Christian, the second coming -- these are the arousal and awakening of the God-force. The preparation and possession of the God-force. The prodigal son coming home after traversing the inner land of his being and awakening the seven major centers -- this calls for a feast! A feast of abundance and overflowing wine (feast of abundant energy and euphoric nectar of the gods through the nerves)
I got up and got my pad of paper I keep handy and brought it back to bed with a pencil, hoping Bob wouldn’t wake for he would want me to sleep again. He did, got up and went to bathroom, came back and let me write. Then I got up and got the Bible (with Bob’s permission) and came back to read Revelations.
Revelations and the seven scrolls and the seven seals and the seven churches are ALL the seven major centers in the body. The beasts and the famines and the thunders and the lightenings and plagues and demons and all, are the turmoils that wrack the body and mind and subconscious (hell) upon the arousal and awakening of the God-force. The 144,000 to be saved in the end are the 144,000 nerves of the nervous system. These above all else must be protected, they belong to the true man-God who is coming.
The lighting of the seven lamps in the windows, to wait for the coming of the master of the house -- this too is the lighting of the seven major energy centers that must be accomplished before God will ascend the throne. The base of the spine center is only one of the seven. it is not God, at least not yet. God comes to his throne when the God-force prepares the way. The voice of one crying in the wilderness is the God0-forceexploding through the body and wracking the nervous system, the wilderness of man’s creation, a jungle of wildness, darkened, confusing, filled with untamed passions and emotions and ideas and pre-conditioned mental tapes - and terrors. This is the kingdom that must be ruled by the master who is yet to come. John the Baptist crying in the wilderness is a real-=life symbol of a mystical thing, preparing the way for the Lord of the House. Purging the wildness, taming the land, this is what the kundalini - the God-force - is intended to do. It is a purge.
Then, when the purge is over, the Lord of the House may take his throne and govern in peace. But revelations says there is more undoing to come. I did not finish the book of Revelations but I finished enough this morning to realize that one must not become bogged down by the many travails - but to see from a great height what the story is saying.
Be born again! A man must be born again before he can enter the kingdom of heaven within his own body!
The casting out of the Garden of Eden takes place anytime around puberty. The first seal to be broken is the sexual seal. The second seal to be broken is the solar plexus which governs the emotions. The third seal to be broken is the heart which governs the emotions with love. The fourth seal to be broken is the throat which governs the voice of sound. The fifth seal to be broken is vision and perception which governs truth. The sixth seal to be broken is intellect which governs reason. The seventh seal to be broken is back down below - the base of the spine - the pilot light of the body, which can only be broken after the other six are re-kindled and mastered. Then the seventh seal is broken and thunder and lightening strike.
Then, when all is done, the body is at peace. The lamb is slain (the man-made individual) and sacrificed upon the altar of God. Given up for a greater entity which now comes forth. The wildness is killed in the sacrifice, and the gentleness and greatness of God comes in. The master comes home and sits upon the throne and rules in peace. Such a clumsy version of a great thing!
This is resuming one’s place in the Garden of Eden, which is inner, within.
Revelations 1:18: He “holds the key of death and hades.” The God-force is the power to ascend and become immortal. A person does not have to die, he may, if he masters himself, accelerate the molecules and atoms of his body to a higher plane and take his body with him into the higher plane where he may learn of higher things and expand -- all without discarding his body. Immortality is real.
My confusion up to now is this: I once thought that the arousal of the kundalini - the God-force in the body - was the real and final thing, the enlightenment and the transformation. But now I realize it is not. God does not step into his house until the kundalini - the God-force - has swept through it and cleansed it. The individual must first let it happen to him, and second, must then learn to direct his body’s energy so that he becomes the master of the house. THEN, God steps in and sits down on the throne, and the individual in the form of the slain lamb, joins with him. Unites with God and becomes one with Him. The two become one. It was very, very clear to me.
Stuff keeps coming. From a few days ago I wrote on notepaper to remember - Beauty and perpetual youth is the direct result of freedom from entanglement. Freedom from emotional resistance. And freedom from mental objections. Beauty and youth are the result of love for life and the eager acceptance of all situations that come along.
There are two kinds of energy. One is a spontaneous love for life which springs out of a love for God. This one is full of hope and springs out of bed in love. The other is a tense energy. This is the pure energy that has been allowed to be held back, thus it is dirtied and full of the individual’s emotional discharges. It is jerky, unreasonable, uncontrollable, because it has been compressed. It is not a healthy energy and leads to disease in the body and eventually death.
I’m not going to teach you how to meditate. I’m going to teach you how to live spontaneously as a young god should, using his love for life freely instead of holding it back. Then you won’t need to meditate. Your life will be an ongoing meditation, following the will of your God. The pure and innocent energy is always flowing through you. When you sleep, when you wake, when you are depressed, when you fight, when you talk, when you eat, when you walk, when you work. it never ever stops. It breathes through you giving you life. If you hold it back it gets compressed. Learn to breathe it out as freely as you breathe it in. Keep it pure.
There are six other centers that must be opened before the God-energy is yours. And in each of the six, you must become the controller, not let the newly released energy control you. You control the emotion, the emotion does not control you. You control the sex, the sex does not control you. You control your love, your love does not control you. You control your voice, your voice does not control you. You control your psychic ability to see the truth, your psychic ability does not control you. You control your intellect, your intellect does not control you. Then you will be the master of your body.
The body movements I do is the God-energy flowing through the body to balance the body with the environment outside. This slows down the explosive growth. Releases the high-level energy so it does not hurt inside. Integration is an important aspect of growth. Growth and integrate. Growth and blend with the whole. Grow and incorporate your growth into life. Grow and assimilate. Grow and help society to grow along with you. Otherwise you will burst upward in an explosive rate of speed and quickly be out of reach of the common man and woman who live around you. They will not understand. Hitler turned fanatic.
It is the safer route to let a young god grow in disguise in his society til he is the master of his life. His beauty will be seen but not touted. His ability will grow to be accepted as something from within the society. The young god will be accepted instead of rejected as super-normal and different.
God talks to you through friends, husband, wife, children. I’ll show you how. This is important to understand how to unfold from within, rather than rely on outside changes. You change your Self!
Bob told me while making love this morning that I should learn how to squeeze my vaginal muscles for the man as he withdraws and pushes back inside again. This makes him food good and keeps him hard. He had had an erection earlier and it went down. Now he had another erection go down on him. Over the last week I had been talking quite loosely about men who could not keep an erection and blamed the woman., or some other thing rather than look to himself to find the answer. When Bob said this to me I thought, “Humph! He should learn how to control his own sexual powers. I’ve learned how to control mine!” I was angry and I debated as to whether to tell him. One thought said, “No, you can’t tell him because he will have a deflated ego and it will be worse for him than even now.” Another thought said, “Yes, tell him. If you love him and care for him, you will tell him! That is the only way to make him become aware of what to do.” Another thought said, “Yes, but if I tell him he will not accept it. At least, he has never accepted this philosophy from me before. There is no reason to think that he will change this time. He is sure that the fault lies with the woman.”
Four different lines of reasoning, each with a valid truth of its own. Which do I accept? Confusion is the result. Do you know what I did? I decided not to say a thing. I wiped all concern from my mind, and to prevent it from becoming a hassle (which it had every possibility of becoming) I jumped out of bed and began my day. Bob looked at me with a puppy’s hurt look, surprise written all over his face, but I persisted. I wiped him from my mind. But, note! I did not intend to bury it! I wanted more time to think.
As I did my movements and meditations in the warm mid-day sun (we get up late) I realized that what Bob said was true. Sure, all the other thoughts I had were true, too. But I realized that if I were going to grow and accept input, that I had to accept that what Bob said was true. As I absorbed this realization, my defenses began to relax. I became softer and more gentle. I absorbed and assimilated this new awareness. And I was glad that I did not answer him quickly, before I had assimilated the whole thing.
This is an excellent example of how to turn a potential wrong, a potential explosion, a potential run-away emotion which could have resulted in an angry argument - and change it into a tool for inner growth. I grew! I became a bigger person. I came out ahead. I came out feeling at peace with myself. Did Bob grow? No. (At least not that I know.) Did Bob become a bigger person? No. Did Bob come out ahead? No. Did Bob come out feeling at peace with himself? No. So it goes with many - yes, many - of our interactions.
The mind does not want to admit that someone else is right. But they are if you want to grow. They speak to you as a message from God, in disguise, so you can reject Him if you wish. The energy is there. The energy is there inside of you, in your attitude, to transform your life and start cultivating your psychic powers. The powers of a god.
March 22, 1982
I went to bed at 2 am after talking late with H. The next thing I knew I was conscious of being everywhere, and everything. I was conscious of being alive and I was conscious of being energy. Then, from far away, in sort of a downward direction, came a sound, a bird calling. it was thick and dense yet far away and it pulled me toward it as though the call were a force. I was drawn away from that everywhere feeling, and separated. Being drawn downward into a thicker density, and isolated from the overall, the everywhere. At the same time I saw -- or knew -- that the bird who was calling was also being drawn downward and away from the everywhere. I could see this. From out of everywhere I came into focus in my bedroom asleep beside Bob and though I hadn't yet opened my eyes -- I could still see where I had descended from. And I could still see where the bird call had descended from. There were no boundaries. There was no center. There was no finite location. I and the bird were everywhere until I descended into consciousness in my bedroom.
Then I opened my eyes and it was light behind the heavy draperies across the window. Dawn, and the birds were waking up. Then I realized that the heightened energy was still with me -- or rather, I was still in a heightened state of energy. WHO AM I? How could I be everywhere and yet contained inside this body? I rolled over and the power was activating my limbs and physical tissues. I felt powerful, bigger than my body. It was heady. I realize as I type this that this is what has caused me fear in the past. Now, I am standing on a brink of discovery. How to control this energy. I yielded and yielded and yielded to this force so that it could come out. Now it is coming out strong and I must resume control.
March 30, 1982
Bob, my husband is sitting to my right, Rob, the leader/counselor is sitting to my left. I am not aware that I have the favored position, sitting between two grounded men. I will not remember this until tomorrow morning and realize the significance. The class is sitting each behind a school-tpe desk, in a circle of 25 people for the first of our final exams for the semester. It has been a strange class, a workshop for graduates of psychology for personal growth. There has been no format. We have been coming for three hours a night to sit on cushions and stare at each other across the wide circle. We never knew what we were looking for but we knew we were expected to take a risk. Expose something of ourselves. It has been this way all through the semester but we had a leader then. Now, we don't. The leader has withdrawn. He is not communoicating with us. The only communication he is giving us tonight at this final exam, is melo-dramatic parables full meaning. They are intimidating but they are effective.
Nervousness runs around the room, then someone lets slip an off-hand remark. Tension breaks and the nervousness collapses into broad relief. Then we remember once more and tenseness rises again. And silence. No one knows what to say. There's been no instruction except a piece of paper with a puzzle on it.
"I feel nervous," says one woman. "I feel angry," says another. "For not knowing what to do." "Well, I, for one, want to tell you what I feel," breaks in another. There are mostly women in this class. "I have been feeling terrible..." I don't pay attention to her because she's repeated herself so many times now.
As the situation of the room drones on, I busy myself by going inside. I am becoming conscious of a grounding effect happening in my body, my legs. The cells in my legs feel strange, but alive. Heavy? No, they are not heavy. More here? Yes, more here. I want to tell the group but I don't know what to say. How do I describe this feeling? The counselor wants us to describe our bodily feelings.
"I feel grounded," I say. "What did you say?" a girl with dark hair asks. "Grounded," I repeat. "What's that?" someone else asks. "That's the opposite of spacey," Bob says. I wish he hadn't done that. I wanted to try to explain. Now the moment is lost. I give up and relax into myself again.
Soon the feeling is evident to me again. It surprises me. It is the same feeling I have after I do my movements. Sensuous but not sexual, not located in that area. I feel sensuous all over. Balanced. Grounded. More with my physicalness. Foreign to me. I am wondering if this is the god force, the dramatic psychic force that is called the kundalini that came alive in me in 1976. I am wondering if that force has something to do with it. I know it has, but I don't understand the process. No one does. I can't find anyone willing to analyze the process with me. I have to do it all alone.
There is an ecstasy to it, but now it is a physical ecstasy. When I do my movements it is physical but it ends up a mental ecstasy. A spiritual ecstasy. A high that lifts me into visions and lights and feelings of love. Now it is only physical. There must be a connection. I wish I could talk with someone about it but no one understands. It is so awesome. I know that my body is going through a transformation, a physical transformation, and I can't talk with anyone aobut it.
I feel it. Each cell is being affected. It is so strong, it is like a substance. Like a nectar - the nectar of the gods. The phrase bubbles into my mind spontaneously. Nectar of the gods. It is real. It is not metaphorical. It is something being secreted right now into my physical body that has an intoxicating effect on me. Like I have just had the most sensuous lovemaking session of all time and it climaxed into the most delicious orgasm a woman could possibly have. That is what it feels like right now, all through my body.
I feel it in my face. I feel it in my back. I feel it in both arms especially below the elbows. I feel it even stronger in my thighs, my calves. And my feet. It seems that the soles of my feet are part of the floor. As though they have melted into the floor and taken root there. And the life blood of the earth is passing back and forth in and out of me. Strange. Is this sensation only on the surface of the skin?
No. It goes deeper. I am in touch with an activity in my muscles and tissues that I do not normally have except after a meditation. What is it? An hour has passed since I told the class that I felt grounded. Nothing much has changed in the room that I can sense. One person has broken down into tears. She said her marriage is on the verge of breaking up. But everyone else is looking outside of themselves for answers. Tittering nervousness lingers on the edge of the cup ready to spill over. I'm more interested in myself.
Patrick speaks with sudden earnestness. "I want to get off my act. I want to reveal myself. I just can't get myself together at all." The class listens eagerly to their newest scapegoat. Something tells me that Patrick is being genuine with himself. I look up and across the room to him and listen too. He's a young man, intense, very professional, very handsome. A pilot and a consultant in management to airlines. Whenever Patrick speaks there is an unseen power behind the words. But the words are not always true, as if something is out of alignment. Now he is speaking true. He has connected with a rare burst of honesty. Real feelings lie deep. That is what the counselor wants us to find. Real feelings. Few are willing. It's too far down. Too deep. Too down. But I'm feeling that the down is good. For me it is good. But I understand. I am just coming down myself.
"....she left, and now I realize that I love her. And I can't get it together. I just can't get it together." His voice has a sigh in it. "And I feel lost." I am watching Patrick as he talks. Rather I am watching the air around his head without being conscious that I am doing that. Suddenly I see a yellow glow, a yellow light pulsating around his head. As I notice it, instead of it fading away as so often happens, it becomes brighter. And I notice that close to his head there is an even brighter yellow, all around his head. Yellow light about an inch thick. I am watching it and I am alert. I think he is telling a truth, but the others don't seem to think so.
A lady is saying, "Patrick, I detect that you don't really want to get it together. If you wanted to, you could." Patrick thinks for a moment. "Yes, I do..."
"Patrick, a girl with sandy-colored hair, a lifeguard who hasn't spoken much during the session, speaks up. "If you really wanted to pull it together, you could do it. The more you think about not pulling it together, you won't." Patrick responds, "I want to! I really do!" Patrick's sun-tanned and well-scrubbed face looks exactly like a cherub with the golden aura around him like a halo. I wonder if this phenomenon happens always when a truth is told, as legend claims. Someone else, "Patrick, you yourself said that you couldn't let go. That you didn't want to let go....."
The blood is movinmg through my body faster now. The glow has faded away as I become conscious of the attack. I want to stop this attack. "Patrick," I say but I am drowned out by Gloria. "You only think...." I wait until Glorida is finished then start again. "Patrick," I say and look at him appealingly but I am drowned out again.
The counselor shifts in his chair. He is uncomfortable that I don't speak up louder. He feels my holding back. But I will get it out.
"Patrick," I say louder and the group stops talking and looks at me. I have cut off a girl in mid-air. Suddenly I am happy. Singing inside. I realize my eyes are dancing and nearly laughing. I am smiling and suddenly I cover my mouth with my hands because I shouldn't be this happy. I feel like a little girl with a secret. But then I change my mind. "I'm sorry," I blurt out, "But I HAVE to tell Patrick what I saw. And I look at him. "I saw a golden light all around your head as you were talking, telling us about your girlfriend."
And then I stop. I took a big risk saying that. Now I'll be known as a kook. But he doesn't want to hear it. He looks away and keeps talking about his incapacity to help himself and get out of the rut. I am sad. Really sad because I saw something beautiful, almost holy, but he who was the holy one for a moment did not want to hear. The battle continues. The attackers and the attacked. I withdraw only for a minute or two and then my adrenalin runs again. I interrupt.
"I think Patrick was the only one who revealed anything honest about himself, and we don't have the right to judge him. We don't know what is going on with him. Who are we to judge?"
The counselor speaks suddenly without lifting his eyes or his head. His hands are folded still in his lap beside me. His deep male voice thunders around the room. "A group to save itself offers up a sacraficial lamb upon the altar."
Silence. A round of apologies. Then silence again.
I pull down inside of myself and renew my relationship with the cells in my legs. The nectar is still there. I am awed. Renewed by it. Wondering. Impressed. It is like I am open, like all the cells in my body are open and in touch with something powerful. I am the cells. I am living in the cells and I am enjoying their intoxication along with them. The cells are alive with or without me. They are alive in their own right, but I am co-owner along with them. We are a duality but we are now, momentarily, one. And tremendously alive.
It has been a concern, off and on, that I should be so involved with myself, my inner world and my ecstasies of wonderment and awe and beauty. Bob once referred to me as being narcissistic and he is right. I am. But it is for moments like this that I am narcissistic. I am in love with the feelings that come from being aware. I love life when there is a glow to it. I do not love the depressed side of life. I will gladly submit to name calling, to censorship, if that is necessary, though often it is not, if I can have the relevations, the beauty of my mystical exepreriences. My body is a mystical thing. There is so much about it that I do not know, yet which haunts me and beckons me with a siren's call to come in and feel and know the truth. It is for this that I am alive, to uncover the truth of myself.
Back home in bed I am nestled into the crook of Bob's shoulder. It is dark. Sweet. He is my other half, my ground, my earth. He turns and gives me a hug and warmth and love runs through me and I am melting into him. I stop and consider this feeling. What does this remind me of?
"Do you know what?" I ask suddenly, at once alert and feeling profound. "When you hug me like that you you give me a feeling just like the feeling I get when I do my movements. And what I was feeling in class tonight." I told him about it on the way home. "Grounded isn't quite it. It's love! That's what I'm feeling. Love! It's liquid love that moves in me."
Bob doesn't say anything. He is quiet but he hugs me once more with all of the softness and tenderness that he can muster. I can tell he's smiling in the darkness. He's smiling at me because I am a kook but he loves me anyway. He is patient and he cares and he knows that I am on my own peculiar path and he respects that. As long as I am happy, then he is happy.
"I'm glad you told me that," he says. "For sharing that with me." And we cuddle for a few minutes more. Then he turns away from me and I spoon into him and we go to sleep. I wake sometime in the night and feel a glow in my back and there is a sparkling sensation on my spinal column. There are sparks coalescing, sputtering, active, about the level of the navel but on the spinal column and running upwards about three inches. They are not white light but darker colors, all colors, but they are highly active. They are scraping, clearing, sparkling. Always sparkling. And the glow spreads upward a little more, covers an area from side to side and up below my shoulder blades. Cozy. Warm. And I fall back to sleep.
March 31, 1982
I am combing my hair in the mirror, getting ready to go out to a party and I suddenly see something. No, I don't see, I am experiencing something. I am excited and I reach for a pad of paper at the head of the bed which I keep there, and a pencil, for a moment such as this.
"People are each one frequencies. Blocks of SOLID, sparkling, frequencies. And I can see their colors now. When they come near to each other, those who are close in frequency feel an attraction to reach out and fuse together. Because they are close in frequency, yet still separated. This fusion doesn't have to be sexual, nor physical, although it perhaps most often is. This is the power of magnetism. The power of attraction between people."
It is splendid, the imagery! Beautiful. I think of Wally. Tonight I think it will come about that I will go with him to bed finally. Could it be we are close in frequency? I wonder. Bob is impatient with me. "No!" he barks. "You don't have time," as he realizes I'm getting carried away with a thought. But I pay no attention to him, and he smiles and gives in.
April 2, 1982
I went out to the swimming pool this morning with renewed intention. I will swim, then I will shower, then I will go to my room to do my exercises and meditations. The day is hot. I pause to soak in the sun because I am a little cool from the air conditioned house. Bob is sitting inside and can see me through the kitchen window. He is reading his paper. I turn my focus upon myself for a moment to feel the sun. Suddenly the movements are there. I drop my towel and I am torn. I had intended to go into the water. Do I want to give in to them now? Perhaps I should put it off until afterwards. Well, just a little bit won’t hurt. I yield to the inner currents.
My arms raise. My head is not into it but it doesn’t matter. My torso bends, my feet move in slow rhythmic slide and position themselves in a solid stance, reaching, shifting, until they feel right. I don’t know what they are looking for. They have a mind of their own. My hands are like the hands of a Tai dancer. The wrists bend, one in, the other out. Now moving, snaking over my head. My mind isn’t here. I don’t want to do this. But I am not being forced. There is another part of me that does want to do this. I am aware that there is another mind in me that is not my conscious mind. I can make all the intentions in the world with my conscious mind, but there is a deeper intention in me which takes priority.
I close my eyes and surrender a little bit more to the bliss. I am on the cement lip of the pool as I start to shimmy at the waist. Oh no! I think, here we go again. I wonder if I will fall into the pool. But I go with the increasing inner wind that is blowing faster. I am going faster, faster, my hips are doing the hoola-hoop motion. Now my hands are snaking faster, my thighs are shaking but my feet are solidly planted on the ground. I am thinking “Bob is watching.” He is wondering if he should come out to protect me from falling into the pool, inches away from my feet. I am aware that my biggest job is to integrate the movements and control them so I don’t fall into the water. I am the guardian of my body, the will power that allows this to happen. I want it to happen because I know the force is a god-force, god-willed and god-intended, intent on enlightenment of my whole being. I cannot say no because I have invited it. I have asked for this. I am the hard casing around the germination process that is happening inside me. My little mind doesn’t understand but....
The tempo is steadily, consistently increasing so that my head is now beginning to shake from left to right. In the space of two seconds it gears up to a frenzied convulsive swirling, but time is not important because I know what is happening and it is integrated. My whole body is now whipping back and forth. Now down into my legs and finally my feet start to jump. I am jumping, shaking something loose.
There is a force at work inside. I can see it. Rather, I can sense it. It is made of light, colors of pink, blue, yellow, green. They are not just light but of a substance like a solid. No, I guess they are more like a vibration but they are solid, nonetheless. Solid vibrations. They are full of energy. They ARE energy. There is sound present. There is life present. I am watching. This energy is a larger life trying to germinate in me. Trying to be born in me. There is passion present. There is power present. There is action, movement. This is no passive thing! Suddenly I realize that I have been trying to bring this power into me through passive practices like meditation. This will never do. The only way to bring this power into me is by stepping aside from MY intentions and letting ITS intentions take over. Now I understand why I try so hard NOT to make plans. I have no room for plans. The plan is to let IT who has no name take over.
It cannot be known by my small mind. I can only bend to it and absorb its light into me. It is working in me. I can only allow it when it is time to move. It is not always time to move. This is my life work. This is my love. Out of this springs the vision of a new life. Always exciting and new. It is hard to reconcile this vision with the physical world. The physical world is set. This life is not set. This life can never be set because it is always new, always springing forth into action like a fountain from an underground spring. Not for one fraction of a second can it set. It is on the go, on the move, changing, building, breaking down, uniting, blending, cutting swaths through the set ways of mankind. Disrupting it.
I have a choice, I suddenly realize. I can stick with the physical world and live and die with it, or I can cast my lot with this changing force of vitalization which, if I do, will imbue me with an ongoing life. One that cannot die when the physical dies, but goes on because it is part of the ongoingness of life. I am part of the ongoingness of life. I thought I was the body but I’m not. This is a real, practical choice which I have made. I can choose to sublimate the passions of this force or let it express, mysterious as it is and unknown to me. I am aware that it will express in the form of unconventional action, such as free sexual expression, such as getting up to do my vigorous movements in the presence of others, such as taking the lead in the middle of a passive conversation and turning it into a powerful thing. I must choose.
But I have already chosen. This is merely another glimpse to remind me. I am so hard - my casing - like the hard shells of the little seeds I am trying to germinate. I have the same life force working in me trying to crack my shell as the seeds have. I am no different. Trying to shed the old for the new. Integrate. I must integrate. Because I am not going to remove my shell, my body, like the seeds do. I am going to imbue it with life. I am not going to send up a physical sprout out of my body. I am going to send out rays of light and purity, to cleanse myself and my immediate environment. From within. There is a perfect light body within me. I am going to transform my being from the inside out. That is the growth I am going to do. It is different with a seed. We each have our destiny to fulfill, the seed and I.
Sometimes I speak from my little self. Sometimes my little self speaks from my unknown self. Already I speak from this new mind and new body. But then it settles back into the smaller and I am closed. And I feel old, bored, tired, sick of living. Then I do my movements again and I am new once more. Fresh and vital and never-ending. And the terrorism and the violence and the poverty and lack in the world cannot reach me. I am too far into the light to be touched.
April 17, 1982
Last night the presence came again, after fifteen months. Fifteen months during which I lost count the number of times I crumbled my writings into a ball and threw them into the wastebasket and stare hopelessly out the window at the ever changing colors in the air around me, oblivious to my frustrated attempts.
How does one explain the splendor of the sun? How does one name that which has no name? Where does one find the temerity - the audacity - to attempt to fit that celestial brilliance into the rigid casing of the English language, where it must conform to human logic? For fifteen months I tried. I have been trying to create a helpful program of instruction to suit the times. There are so many people who want to know about meditation and the long lost powers of a race of gods now disguised in flesh. I could tell them. For fifteen months I have examined my task from every perspective imaginable. I have built it up and I have honed it down so that the simplest minds could understand. I have colored it with the truth that is stranger than fiction and I have filled it out with the meat of the practical mind. I have written it and revised it, again and again and again. And each time I have thrown it away. I have tried to explain the nature of that which cannot be explained. I have tried to fit the immortal into a mortal format, and for the last fifteen months the presence has not come, neither in the day nor in the night as it used to. Its absence seems to say, “Go ahead! Chisel it down to human size if you want but the fires of vision will not support you, nor will the majesty that you once knew visit you during such miniscule efforts!”
Finally I have been forced to admit to that which I once knew but had conveniently forgot. That which touches my inner heart from time to time, does so at the whim of a law not my own. That which illumines my inner eye is a light of a type unknown to me. I am but a fluff riding on giant waves, the recipient of a flame whose origins I do not understand. And so, two days ago I gave up in utter and complete frustration and agreed to stop all attempts to capture it in words. I gave up and in the wake of my surrender, the presence came again. In the night it came - that mystical light which conforms not an iota to the laws of this world, nor to the piousness of my body and mind. Undaunted by my imperfections it sought once more to establish itself within my being in all its sunlit magnificence, and impart a message to me.
Somewhere around dawn it came. I do not remember if my physical eyes ever opened or not, for I was in that peculiar state of consciousness which I have come to know so well, and for which I yearn so much these days, where my physical surroundings dwindle into nothingness as the ephemeral lights begin to twinkle into a crackling alertness in my mind, which signifies the coming of a great event.
The following attempt to describe the vision is a direct result of that particular visitation last night. I must put this down in writing. I must. I do not know why but I must. As I awoke from the stupor of sleep I became conscious of an immense sea of pulsating and sparkling lights which seemed to be electrical in nature. The over-all color was orange but with gold overlying and darkness underlying and blackness in the background. Upon closer inspection I found that I was WITHIN this sea of tiny little specks of light, each one of which was so miniscule as to be as small or smaller than an atom, for they were not able to be seen with the physical eye.
I did not see any one speck individually, per se, yet somehow I knew that each one was distinctly separate from its neighbors and unique. Yet simultaneously it was a unified part of the whole. The effect was like a strange kind of liquid undulation heaving with a mightiness that defied description, and a unity that defied separation.. This flowing sea of lights stretched in all directions into infinity for, again I don’t know how, but I knew that there was no end. I seemed to be part of this network of crackling lights that caused a great increase in my state of alertness. And as I watched I saw that each tiny spark was a mind with a consciousness all its own and it moved and glittered and sparkled with an intensity unique from its neighbors. The overall movement was one of exquisite sophistication and harmony not unlike a great orchestra caught up in a symphony of sounds where each instrument moves only in relation to the whole, never, never by itself.
I was overwhelmed with the immensity which was so obviously a living mind with vast powers of intelligence capable of holding the whole system together and in my heart there rose a song of devotion and praise, and I knew that I was one of those sparkling specks of light., I was struck with awe, and no matter in which direction I turned to look I could see far and deep. And I saw the varying shades and hues of light, the darker ones brownish in color falling into the backdrop, while the most brilliant ones, the color of the sun, came forward to catch and dazzle my eye, so alive where they - and radiating.
And now comes the hardest part of all. My words describe what I saw but there was another dimension to the vision which involved a penetration of feeling. The message that soon began to impress upon me was done through this deeper level of feeling. The sense of awe and grandeur to which I first awoke out of a dead sleep, was only the beginning. For shortly I found myself within the brilliant rays of a flaming intelligence focalized in the form of a sun. It burned with a white fire, whiter than any white I have seen thus far, yet I knew it to be a person. And as I fell into the magnetism of this intellect, I felt myself absorbing its attributes so that I was no longer myself, though I must have retained the shell of my former being in order to remember and describe it now. But for that span of time I was a part of that magnificent singular mind - that most impressive being - and I felt the whole spectrum of goodness - compassion, wisdom, intelligence, love, strength, purpose, clarity, refinement - it was, somehow, a fulfillment of what every mind should be, although who am I to say? I cannot imagine any mind on Earth ever attaining this grandeur even if it were to evolve for a million years. Such purity is impossible to imagine and yet, perhaps not,. Perhaps not.
As I was being absorbed into the radiation of those rays, it was like being absorbed into the delicious rays of the warm summer sun yet a thousand times over. I became conscious of absorbing also a message most especially meant for me. I was being drenched with a quite specific instruction, through and through, body, mind and soul. It was so abundant and overflowing that at the height of the message it seemed that I WAS the instruction itself imprinting itself into every atom that composed my body. The moving pageant of the entire solar system would have faded into insignficance compared to that one moment in my life. And now I must attempt a translation into English, for this is specifically my task.
There was a prelude to the main body of the message and it was this: Had I been outside of the brilliance of this solar presence I would not have been able to receive its message. Thus for the short time that the message was being impressed upon me I was absorbed into it to become one with it. Only this way, I was told, could I have withstood its presence. This knowledge was given to me through an absorption into my whole being. The main part of the massage was as follows:
“There is an element unlike any element thus far discovered by mankind. It has yet to be researched and known. This elemental experience was given to me but I cannot describe it in words. I felt it and I knew it for the space of several moments. This element is similar to a power, yet it is more than a power for it comes close to being a substance. It is not fire, yet it is similar to fire. It is not water yet it is similar to water. It is not air yet it is similar to air. It is not substance yet it is similar to substance. It is not intelligence yet it is similar to intelligence. It has all of the above elements within it, yet it is more. It is somewhere between the physical and the nonphysical.
“This element has yet to be discovered and known and written about, and I am one of many who can do it. There are others. Many, many people are involved with it at varying levels, but those who are dealing with it on other levels cannot define it. I am to define what I experience. The visions I see come out of it and my movements are an effect of it. All of the incredible experiences I have been having come out of it and now I must put my experiences into words.”
In the lingering afterglow of this message I waited, as if on pause, because there was a secondary message. Its meaning was burned even deeper into the very core of me so that it became a permanent part of me, and it was this.
“I am not to presume that I know any more than anyone else pertaining to this element, for this is not the case. I have a certain purpose to accomplish and I have been prepared to carry out this purpose. My purpose is that of a recorder, not unlike the historian who records the facts as he sees them. If there were no historians, there would be no history books for others to use as reference points and guidelines in their work with this new element.”
The experience was still going on as I began coming out of that brilliant place into a smaller, darker space and I awoke in bed beside Bob, who was still asleep, trying to capture the echoes of it as it faded. Through my mind moved the haunting impression of once having held the glory of a sunset in the palms of my hands. It took me a long time to adjust to the flat darkness of my bedroom, time in which I became once more conscious of the clock whose red numerals glowed in the semi-dark and the heaviness of sleeping bodies. The soft light of the dawn was apparent through the draperies.
At length a bird called and pulled me all the way awake. I lay still and then at length shifted and put one arm across Bob and pulled myself close against his warm back, glad now for his fierce protection which, in times past, so annoyed me. I was glad because I could tell him in the morning about it. Who else would have encouraged these other worldly things and listened with such patience as I stumbled over the words? I pondered the element. What was it? The extraordinary feeling of it still soaking in my depths. It was sensory. What does it mean? The feeling is hauntingly familiar. It is extraordinarily close. it is significant. But of what? I pondered a long time and finally went to sleep.
I woke about 10 with Bob and even before I opened my eyes I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt the meaning of the message. I could identify the element that has yet to be discovered. The element is the soul. The substance of the soul, the other side of the physical. I was stunned. My experiences have been with the mysterious substance of the soul, alive and real in everyone but yet unknown. The unknown element is the soul, that illusive substance of personal identity which is the keystone of the new age. Chills run through me as I write this.
April 20, 1982
The gods are speaking to me again. They speak of the seven centers of consciousness that we have. The soul is a light made up of seven major attributes. Each attirbute is a pure color and a vibration from the heart of source and it can be seen by anyone who has cleared himself of the mud that clings round about. The light of the soul may be fired again by concentration on each of the attributes that glow like a flame as I see them right now. I see them collectively, so beautiful. Each center is like a crystal, but in many people they are all dirty, covered over and lost in mud so that we do not know they are there. I see them clear now against the background of the inner organs, glowing pure. And becuase these higher ones want to help us they concentrate on one color each new day of the week, hoping to penetrate the darkness that surrounds us. As we concentrate and apply these attributes, these god qualities, in our life we will clear the mud away so we can see again. I see them so clearly right now.
The light of wisdom shines at the very top of the head so that it is slightly above and slightly into the head. It shines with an ethereal hue of yellow like the translucent rays of the sun as seen piercing the mist of the forest at dawn. It is not harsh as the colors on earth but alive with a mystical sense, and moving. As we make right choices in our life, wise choices, and apply wissdom to our life we revitalize the fire within this center which pierces the mud covering the crystal which shines through with such brilliance that nothing less can cling to it. It is a ball of light, a flame of light so clean, so pure, so beautiful, so holy that I cannot describe its essence. It is not of this world and it resides within and transposes itself upon the physical body and its organs of matter, giving life to these for they have no life of their own. The power waiting to be released through the application of right choice cannot be imagined for we take them for granted. They are so natural to us that we play God with them, for we are God, and we do not understand what we are doing, or how powerful right choice is and how much kickback wrong choice is. These are the powers of the natural self. Our natural abilities do not seem powerful at all. We do not know the awesomeness we carry within our choices. We must be bold in ascerting the rightness of our choice - the true choice of our heart. We must be wise in applying choice so that we do not harm another or our flame is snuffed out once more from the kickback.
May 13, 1982
(Florida) I am two elements: spirit and matter. Spirit has a tendency to rise to return to its parent source, often referred to as the father. Matter has a tendency to descend to return to its parent source, often referred to as the mother. My struggle while on earth is the struggle to integrate the two so that I am comfortable with myself. Too much attention to my self, my spiritual side, and my physical body suffers for it is pulled away from its physical environment. If I pay too much attention to my physical side, my spirit suffers for I am pulled outward and away from myself. To be happy I must be able to live equally with the world about me, exchanging recipes, gardening, shopping and going to work, as well as going into meditation as I choose, alone and in private. It is difficult! I am pulled upwards too much, too often. I cannot seem to reach the ground - only in sex.
May 20, 1982
Today the sun plays upon my bare back. The air is still. I am kneeling on a mattress by the side of the swimming pool. It is soft to my knees. As I sway to the rhythm of inner movements a fine mist falls upon my skin blown from the sprinklers as they wet down the warm soil and it feels good to me in the hot sun. Behind my closed eyelids I am aware of a whole new world coming to life in my mind. I am drifting with a flow I do not understand. The force that blows through my veins feels somewhat like a summer wind that sweeps across a barren earth stirring up the dust. It comes from out of nowhere, and it disappears beyond my horizon without ever seeing it or touching it but it stirs me in its passing.
My mind echoes with mundane things, the face of a sister and her whole life comes before me only to be encroached upon by the concerns of the meditation center in Costa Rica, wrenching my innards with nervous anxiety which disappears in the explosion of another face and another life and another set of problems. Pictures, voices, ambitions, urges, the activity going on in my brain is magnified out of propportion, showing me the quality of my daily life. Junk. Dirtiness. Old. Worthless, while my body dances to a new kind of music, a silent rhythm.
I am on my feet now, bending, twisting, reaching, moving in the snaking dance of the exotic and ancient Thailanders. Spontaneous. I do not understand where it comes from. And as I move, peace slowly seeps into my blood stream and begins its circulation through my physical system. I can feel it even now. The echoes of anxiety bouncing off the walls of my mind begin to die away and the slow passage from chaos to peace is underway. Suddenly there is a fresh image, an image of a man accompanied by a strong sense of earthiness. As the compelling force melts the cells and tissues of my waist and moves on into my arms and I bend to its magnetic pull, the image washes through me with its presence and I feel its solidarity, a deep and abiding love of - what? The earth? Yes, the earth, its people and their sturdiness. I am impressed for this is new to me and I drink in the profound sensations. His colors are dark, dark greens, dark reds, dark blues, dark browns, dark flesh and I am deeply touched. I have an urge to absorb the earth into me and I am bending, bending. I am on my knees bending down and I press my lips to the green colored cement that edges the pool. A surge moves through me from the earth and I rise and sway again in the sun, the image gone as quickly as it came.
A golden light in my pelvic area with a single ray reaching up and out the top of my head. Another single ray descending down and out the bottom of my feet and into the earth. Another ray issuing out to the left, piercing the atmosphere. Another to the right, and then another and another, forward, backward and the realization that I am a connection between earth and the infinity that lies beyond the earth. My knees bend and turn, my back stretches, my arms reach. I am full of awe for the power that graces me and pervades my being. Where do the movements come from? I have asked it a thousand times and a thousand times I test it to see if it is only my imagination. I will test it again right now.
As I form this conscious thought, I drop my hands to my lap and I Listen, determined not to move. I will prove once and for all, that these movements are figments of my overactive mind. Alertness crackles through me from cell to cell, from vein to vein, from nerve to nerve, and from head to toe the message runs through me: stop the movements! Stop the movements! And we all stop to listen, bursting with curiosity to find an answer.
But it does not last. My body fills with lightness too overwhelming to force back and peace rises like bubbles from the bottom of the sea looking for release in the air from which they came. And my arms raise and move and peace undulates around me like a cocoon. The test is no longer important for I am free. And I am happy and it was only a momentary whim to try to capture the thing. Surely, something I have done has pleased the gods that I should receive such a noble gift, for each time it flows it bathes me in happiness and washes clean my mind. A softness that is not of this world penetrates my body and fills my being. No earthly power could take a dirty and cynical attitude and cleanse it so that it is star-struck with a listening love for oneself and one’s life.
My brothers, my sisters, I know you are there watching from your hidden place in the sun. I feel your presence and know your wishes. I too wish the same. But what are these movements? Can you help me understand? How can I write about them if I do not understand? Will you help me? Will you guide me through the realms that my mind cannot penetrate?
Light fills my mind. I feel the presence of a holy light, a crystal light and I love the presence of the light. I serve the light. I love the light. I am yours, my lord, the light. I am yours to serve. My arms, my legs, my feet, my tongue, all of me is yours. I give myself to you, my lord, I give myself to you. The light of peace, of love, of truth, the light of purity. The song of devotion moves automatically through my inner heart and releases an emotion that fills every cell. I open my eyes to the clear white of the clouds, the blue of the infinite behind them. My fingers are reaching for that which has no name. The tall scrubby pine that guards our back yard is dark against the sky and, as if responding to my eagerness, a squirrel jumps into sight and scrambles up one branch and flies into the air to continue running down another, chased by a bird gliding on outspread wings of blue. Nature is alive and responsive and I am, once more, a part of her. I am ready now to receive our company tonight.
B and S arrived later. Both are jaded by the dirtiness of the world. I didn’t want to have sex with him so I kept up a running series of questions. The conversation consisted of their answering. I found out that she is attracted to psychic phenomena of the lower kind. Demons, witchcraft. I got the vibes to prove it. The willies and the creeps. But I cast a circle of light about me and about the room and continued to question her, raising her up as she spoke, giving no credence to the things she spoke of, neutralizing them. She said a few times, “I don’t want to talk about these things,” but I kept questioning, kept prodding. These things must be opened up, released, talked about. I do it whenever I get a chance.
Then I finished with her and asked B, her husband, what he thought of these things. He started talking, saying he doesn’t like to talk about them but he came alive with interest and I felt the same creepiness crawling over me. I lifted him up and moved over beside him so I could feel his vibrations. I asked him if he had any experiences. He said he wanted to investigate these things, wanted to become a witch.
When I finished questioning them I felt a little overwhelmed at how low they are. I wonder how many people are involved at this low level? What a job to raise them up, to explain away the darkness, to dispel the confusion, to shed the light. But that is my job. That is why I am here. I felt it was OK to swing with them after that, but made no move. Instead we moved into the kitchen to sit around and have coffee. We smoked a little pot, but not enough to do much. I did see the power of his third eye though. It was earthy as I felt him this afternoon in my movements. He is of the earth, pleasant and sincere. It is too bad if he gets pulled into the occult without understanding. Without balance. That’s the danger. There is no danger when there is understanding. There is no danger when there is openness. There is no danger when there is light. Secrecy must be dispelled. It is the big danger.
June 6, 1982
Today I lay on my mat in the office in Costa Rica and meditated. I sent rays of light all around the outer offices, room by room, hall by hall, four walls, ceilings, floor, with special coverage at the corners and doors. I touched desks and people and placed a living flame - the color of opalescent fire - a’swirling in the center of every room. Of course, this was done with my mind at first. Then, once my mind started doing it, a deeper flow came and took over and I did not need to make so much effort. Then came the forms, light bodies of beings. They seemed to be shapes that coalesced into fixed sparkles of light, golden in color. I could not see faces, only shapes and they stood all around me. There was light from above, like a vacuum or lighter-than-air-substance. It felt distinctly as if the whole assembly had descended from above me.
I was in close communication with them. More, it was as if I were one of the assembly and we rayed light all over the city and a wonderful sense of peace came around me. Tingles ran up and down like musical tones never stationary, always moving. What was communicated to my conscious mind during this experience was a knowing. A confirmation of something I seemed to have already known, as so many others do, too. It was not new information. It was information being repeated, imprinted once more upon my outer senses so that I can speak about them as I am doing even now. The brotherhood of light, the ascended ones of higher places, they are desperate to make themselves known to Earth’s populations. The earth does not stand a chance without their input into the minds of the people. Their input is the balance to the stepped-up frequency that is bombarding the planet due to the cosmic tidal wave. The world is moving on into new dimensions and the peoples’ minds are still closed and becoming more so. The danger is similar to that of putting a tightly clamped lid onto a pot of water and placing it over a fire. Unless an opening is made in the cover to allow escape of the screaming molecules, the thing will blow up. Men’s and women’s minds must relent and open. Kindness is the key, and letting go.
The rays of light we shed over the office and over the atmosphere of San Jose is softness, warm like sunlight, to encourage the people to let go. Relax. Relent. So they won't fight what’s happening. Let it happen. Be aware and cautious but let it happen and learn. Watch. Expand. There is a higher power at work and miracles are in the air.
June 12, 1982
I woke this morning to a world of brilliance - it was but a flash, but it was a flash of extraordinary light and power, as though sunlight had exploded simultaneously in every pore of my being from head to toe and charged every atom of my body with light. An immense joy flooded my whole being, filled my soul from within and spilled over into my conscious mind. It was a radiation of intense happiness, light, and the most profound sense of freedom. I was momentarily back home and I was free. But, apparently my consciousness could not sustain that kind of enlightenment for it passed quickly and I was once more in my bedroom beside Bob.
June 13, 1982
I woke this morning to a sense of spatialness - no light - just spatialness, as though the walls of my mind had melted away. I sensed myself wider, deeper and more a part of everything. i was more at one with life - life as a spacious, moving living force like a sea, and I was part of that great livingness that activates the forms. I was aware of my inner eye. I was awake and had my eyes open, and I knew that I was seeing this, sensing this, with the faculty of the inner eye. I sensed the underlying strength and power of this great force and the sensitivity of it - the love - it breathes its love and I sensed the wideness of it, the depth and the breadth of it. I felt closer to Bob and as I looked at him I realized that I had become narrow over the past weeks and mechanical in my contact with him. I reached over and hugged him and felt closer than I have felt in many weeks and we made love even as I was aware of the spatial quality - and I knew I was alone in this.
June 15, 1982
I woke this morning to the vivid and spatial world of love. There was no question that it was love, although I myself had to interpret the word from out of the feelings that were pouring through me. Again, with an inner sense impossible to describe I was aware and I could see many, many rays of light pouring downward. They were in the colors of rose, pink, soft white, mauve -- many hues, variations of these colors, all pouring downward. And they were soft, soft, wide, deep, endless, and the sense of infinity was there. I was seeing this through the inner sense and it was only barely touching me, for I felt the love beginning to spread through me. There was such caring and compassion and warm home-coming feelings - but it did not last. My consciousness is not able to sustain these intensities, I imagine. And as the vision faded there was suddenly the dark silhouette of the phoenix bird, with two wings outspread transposed over the brightness. And then it faded.
June 16, 1982
We're having a couple over tonight for the first time. We've never met them before. We know they are 25 and 50 but that's all. I have impressions of them, a sense of what they are like, each one. I am going to write my impressions before I meet them to measure the correctness of my inner sense. The woman I sense, has sandy colored, almost mousey colored hair, shoulder length. Her features are plain but attractive. She is average height, 5'6" and 120 pounds. She is intelligent and has a lot of confidence in herself. She feels secure in her relationship, perhaps a little flippant about it. I detect an attitude that borders on jealousy, but leans more toward intellectual interest in other women, to compare herself. She is secure. I detect him to be thin, good build, white or blond or platinum hair. He is quiet with a soft personality, and a deep thinker. He does not speak a lot.
June 17, 1982
After reading yesterday's analysis of G and C I find that I was fairly correct. The only differences are as follows: She is 5'7" and 140 pounds and his hair is dark turning gray
April 26, 2016
I had a brief breathing exercise in the meditation room this morning and thanked DK for his mentoring, and asked him to tell me more about. Not just Tantra, but about the whole sex thing. Is it something we need? I am confused. I know people need it, or think they do. It’s important to everyone but me. I’m wondering how far we should go in our Tantric Massage, and also what to do about male desires? I don’t know. I am asking for answers. He told me: You’re born into mud, the whole earth is mud, the only way to go when you are ready is straight up to God, creator, no dilly-dallying around. I’m paraphrasing here. I was feeling the beautiful loving touch massage again, and no genital manipulation, no orgasm, just lifting, lifting, lifting, soaring higher and higher and higher IN THE BODY ENERGIES! I also asked about the kanda and how the light in the heart, the crystal light, how this relates. How does the kanda at the base of spine relate to the heart. He told me the unformed is all the seven qualities you’ve been taking on - the seven colors and more. The unformed consciousness took and split a part of itself off and threw it out away from itself to manifest as form. It was the unformed who sent a part of itself away from itself for a purpose - to manifest a form. All forms have this unformed pure will power, intelligence, love, purity, truth, peace, and freedom UNFORMED inside of it. All forms have this as an unformed potential of perfection and completion inside of it. The unformed sent a piece of the unformed perfect qualities down into form.
The Kanda is a seed inside the human being in the GEOMETRIC CENTER of the human body, at the pelvis, the base of the spine. This is the “beloved” of the unformed intelligence buried in form. It is potential buried in the human being. It is in the geometric center of the human body. It is a piece of perfection lying in wait at the base of the spine, waiting for the soul who inhabits the body to open it and cultivate this perfection. A piece of perfect lies at the base of the spine, unformed, not discovered yet, but the soul WILL discover it, in time. It is the destiny of the human race to germinate and grow this potential that lies within. The soul must do it from choice. The soul and free will. The soul is on the road to discovering this unlimited potential, which has all the qualities and virtues of the unformed divine intelligence, because it IS the unformed divine intelligence lying in wait. Waiting to be discovered.
The heart is the middle zone between the formed and the unformed. The unformed is not formed yet, the formed is not unformed yet. The soul doesn’t know yet. The soul hasn’t discovered the potential of himself yet. The soul hasn’t awakened yet. Until the soul awakens, he is either operating on a male energy or a female energy. When the soul learns about the transcendent kanda within him, the divine consciousness within him, he will stop the struggle between his male and female and begin to look UP. As he looks up he neutralizes and transcends the male/female or positive/negative struggle. He rises above it. He then opens the kanda as a lotus blossom opens its petals, to receive the incoming UNFORMED intelligence - it’s higher self - into the form. It is all about the unformed intelligence (God we call it) coming into form and mankind IS the potential god-man and all women are the potential goddesses, waiting to realize this and receive the parent consciousness into its human form. The heart is the middle zone where they meet. Where unformed consciousness and formed
consciousness meet.
April 11, 2024 (Email chats)
(Email chats between me and a male friend about raising the kundalini thru sex)
(Me:) I may have been premature in talking about the different levels, they don't mean much to you now. However, I need to start talking about them, writing about them, because this is the reason why every single individual is going to see things differently. You simply can't project your needs and wants onto someone else. I recognized that when I worked with X. We had a good relationship going there for awhile, we understood each other and were on the same page. But when it came to "sex" we weren't. We each "saw" thru different eyes. But together as spiritual friends (had prior lives together), we advanced ourselves a lot just by meeting and talking and comparing notes. So we couldn't even do a four-handed massage on a lady - we thought we could work together giving Tantric massage to others - but our first "client" was a disaster! We each connected with her differently and it was awkward. I tried to take it one way and X tried to take it another way.
So you want to know how to transverse from one level to another, and the fact is - nobody else is going to be able to tell you. Except perhaps an ascended master who is now offering to teach and explain. That's why I have learned so much from Master DK and I write about it. But even I have had wishes and hopes that I could find "someone" who would be the "exact right" partner for me to do Tantra with and reach "samadhi" with (the ultimate breakthru). While I've just about reached the end of that wish for myself, I LOVE talking about. In fact I received an email yesterday from a man in another state (I massaged him once so he now follows my blogs.) I'm now talking with him and I LOVE advising and couneling. I doubt I'll get to "throw a party" as he suggested (hahaha). But advising and counseling, yes. I love doing that. Everyone is a deep, personal friend to me, who wants to talk about this. I can talk about this. I know things. In fact, I'm the most on fire when I'm interacting with people about this.
Please catch my drift here: DON'T FEEL GUILTY or bad for taking things into your own hands. You are an individual who is journeying alone in this. Back to X - we are very close - but when it comes to Tantra he and I are different. He has a special gift and touch, We are each on our own. You are on your own. I am on my own. We are traveling a solitary path. But when we get closer, when that mysterious "something" clicks, we have a new instruction given to us. We keep journeying alone until that mysterious "something" clicks in. When I went into the light 48 years ago an Ascended Master was assigned to me because I really needed guidance. I would have gone insane without some practical guidance. Anyway, that's how life works. There is help on higher levels.
That's why we need to bring the cosmic energy up from the root chakra, the sexual chakra, PAST THE SEX CHAKRA WITHOUT CUMMING, and lift it higher. Because higher means we'll get more insight and more understanding. If we release it at the sex chakra, it stops there. The energy dissipates. It is wasted, as DK says, at least for the one who is trying to raise it higher. It is truly a waste of effort. Only the lower body gets the temporary relief of a bliss out, not the higher body which needs it. That's why the body eventually dies. It grows old and deteriorates without the super power flooding through it. The cosmic energy will give it to us in our own unique way. When we are ready for it but we can't force it. It will back away if we try to force it. It is; a delicate process. We invite it by backing down, stepping aside, asking questions, WANTING to raise it higher and thus becoming a student. That is how the cosmic energy surges forth and fills in the spaces, by invitation. The way opens. We receive help from celestial regions, higher realms. DK says we should be talking more about sex because people are genuinely interested and will open their minds. They will be curious. But to jump right in and try to make something happen before people are ready leads to disappointment and failure. He says "just talk about it". That's why I write so much and get so wordy.
April 14, 2024 (Email chats)
(Man:) Very interesting! I understand the existence of the many levels that you channel the cosmic energies from that sexual chakra through the next six levels. It's easy to know when we reach that sexual chakra. The body swells it releases fluids and gives the body and mind a wonderful and exciting feeling. From there it's our goal to pass this chakra without cumming. Now, how do we know when we transverse through the next six sections.
(Me/Woman:) I don't have this feeling of filling up. I'm coming down from a higher plane and don't ever get the chance of feeling the urge, or the body swelling with fluids. Even in my beginning when I first came to be with my 2nd husband, he had to work for a while to get me to orgasm. It took him a long time. He used mouth and fingers. After awhile he got a vibrator to help himself! That's how I got to use the Hitachi Magic Wand. It was my help-mate. I gather it is a help-mate for many women. I believe that women don't "fill up with fluids" the way men do. That is my conclusion - that women come from a different plane, and follow a different track.
(Man:) Are there different feelings or sensations associated with each chakra's. If there is, then it would help me track my progress and know when to abort the jury and allow the orgasm to begin.
(Me/Woman): For a man, I just don't know because I never get the feeling of filling up with fluids where there is a pressure build-up. I had to work hard to get a build up to have an orgasm. The vibrator did that for me along with the help of the man if he knew what he was doing.