Anakosha
Integrating sex and spirituality in the lifestyle
Party Etiquette
If you're invited to a private house party
When we were actively giving house parties we gave this list to everyone. I am adding it here to give a general idea about swing parties. This list of etiquette is pretty universal no matter where you go in the USA, though of course each private home will be slightly different, or maybe largely different. This list doesn't apply to commercial clubs like Plato's or Deenie's, they have their own rules. But when you are invited to a private party you're entering someone's private home. The hosts are entertaining a little more unusual cocktail party. They will give you more specifics when you accept their invitation. We told our guests to arrive between 6 and 7:30 pm and bring a dish of their choice for the buffet, plus a suggested $20 donation for the cookie jar. This was done on the honor system. No one collected money. We knew everyone who attended. We had no strangers coming to our parties. Dinner was out at 7:30. Pot luck is still standard in house parties. It would be too much to ask a host to provide all the food for a private party. Donations were placed in a cookie jar upon arrival and everyone stayed dressed during the social hour and through dinner. After dinner we asked everyone to get out of their street clothes into more intimate or skimpy attire. We insisted on this for the comfort of everyone. If one person sat out fully dressed while everyone else moved around in skimpies or naked, the clothed individual was looked upon as an outsider, present only to observe. It made people nervous.
Clothes and dress-down
A party house needs a dress-down area. Dress down means put on something more casual or intimate. One fellow was a nudist and he wore nothing, however, during the buffet we asked him to put a towel on for hygiene reasons. In our house we used plastic stack shelves for people to put their personal clothes and other items on. Because of change of clothes, people arrive carrying large bags with various items in it. Women sometimes bring two or three outfits to change into, from sexy teddies to caftans to shorty robes, to flowing garments, T-shirts, bikinis or pajamas. Men wear shorts, a long shirt, a terry cloth velcro wrap-around, a short robe or something in male sexy wear. It is recommended to dress neat and clean and groomed for arrival, rather than sloppy. Dress up to arrive and dress down after dinner. People notice well-groomed guests. It is respectful to be clean and tidy. Even if the hosts don't ask you to, plan to get out of street clothes into intimate clothes to show you are with the party and are available. In our house, you could not stay if you remained fully clothed. You would not have to participate but you had to dress down to show you were not undercover police or a news journalist, but were really there to play.
Meet in the living room before party time
At our parties, after dinner and dress down, we asked everyone to meet in the living room to welcome them and make introductions. This provided everyone a chance to scan the faces and know who was present. After that we had an introduction-hugging circle where the men stood in a circle facing out, and the women started out with their own mate, and on a signal, hugged their mate. Then on signal the women went around the circle to meet every man there. It was up to the woman whether she wanted to hug him or shake hands. Shaking hands was OK too, if she was shy. It was her choice. This proved a very good mixer and dates were made during the circle. The circle ended approximately at 9 pm, the official start time at all our parties, and people scattered to where ever they wanted, including the bedrooms.
It's OK to start early
It was OK to go to a bedroom before 9 pm if they met someone they were attracted to. Even if it was as early as 6:30 or 7 pm, as long as they had permission from their primary partner. We didn't want problems. Sometimes this caused a fight if a husband or wife didn't know where their spouse went. They just disappeared. The etiquette was taught to protect the sensitivities of the primary couple. The 9 pm start time was only a guideline to provide structure to the party. Honesty and communication was important in our club. Many clubs do not teach etiquette as we did, and we have heard the problems reported back to us. In most sophisticated parties where everyone is experienced, there won't be any rules. Everyone is expected to know how to behave, yet there are always problems that develop over tiny little things you wouldn't think of. Teaching etiquette and manners was crucial to the success of our club. We took it further. If someone drank too much alcohol and got drunk and obnoxious, he would be taken aside and politely suggested he not do that in the future. Or if a man was being too pushy, we talked to him. Very seldom did we have to eject anyone.
Front door locked at 9 pm
The front door was locked at 9 pm so no arrivals were allowed after that. In special circumstances we might allow a couple to be late if they called in advance. Parties usually went until 1 or 2 in the morning, sometimes later. Sometimes til 5 or 6 if it was an especially stimulating party. And there were some sleepovers for breakfast in the morning for an extra $5 a head.
Cost of parties
This will vary. When you are invited to a party, ask how much. The hosts will tell you. It depends on how often they give parties. If they give parties often, they will probably want a donation unless they are rich and can afford it. Most people can't. Then they may put a donation jar out discreetly or announce it, and perhaps make a suggested donation figure. Or they may simple put a price on the party and tell you up front. But hosts have to be careful because they cannot charge a set fee in a residential area. It has to be by "free will donation". Most private party hosts do it as a hobby because they love entertaining, but it does cost money to entertain. Virtually all private party hosts will ask you to bring a dish for the buffet. When my husband and I entertained a lot we put a donation jar out and blank envelopes beside it, into which guests put the suggested $20 and their names on the front.
What to bring to a party
Bring a bag of personal items, toiletries, casual dress-down clothes and towels for the pool or hot tub. Bring a donation in the form of cash (find out how much ahead of time). Bring a dish for the buffet and if you have a special drink, bring that. Hosts generally provide a minimum of sodas. Upon arrival you will have your hands full so ask as soon as you arrive where to put your things. There is usually a designated area in the house for personal belongings. Food goes to the kitchen. You are pretty much on your own, after this, since the hosts will be busy doing other things. Put your things away and roam around introducing yourselves. Clothes are put on stack shelves where every couple gets a shelf of their own, or it could be a plastic storage container with a lid, or some other fashion. The bedrooms are usually kept free of personal belongings because the rooms are going to be used heavily during the party, and the hosts don't want you to interrupt.
Sleeping overnight
Very few hosts want to indulge sleepovers, so ask up front to see what your options are. Giving a party is a lot of work and they're not in the business of being a bed and breakfast too. But some hosts just might want to. If you're coming from a distance the polite thing to do is to ask them to suggest a hotel. They might offer to have you sleep over. We used to let couples sleep over. We liked having lots of people around. It kept the party going into the next day. Sometimes we charged extra for it, sometimes not. It depended on how big the party was and how many breakfasts in the morning. For us it was loose. But you'd better not expect overnight bed unless the hosts offer, and then it might be on a mat on the floor in a room with other couples.
Towels, washcloths, bathrooms
Most hosts provide stacks of clean washcloths in each bathroom, and a plastic container on the floor (in additioin to the wastebasket) for dirty washcloths. And they keep a stack of extra hand towels for washing of hands. Bring your own bath towels with you to parties, because occasional hosts don't have enough towels for everybody. As it is, hosts have to wash all the sheets after a party. If they had to wash all the towels for everyone too, it would take two days to get all the washing, drying and cleaning done. But remember to bring your towel home with you. We have accumulated a lot of other peoples' towels over the years that were left behind. Hosts will provide a hamper for dirty towels, and will expect you to use their shower if you need to. We recommend bringing your own bathroom items, just out of politeness, though hosts will have certain items out on the bathroom counters too. We used to tell our guests to shower with a friend, since this was an intimate lifestyle, and even leave the bathroom door open so someone else can use the facilities. But of course, that is a personal preference. Some people put their toiletry bag in a bathroom or under the sink for when they need it - but don't forget to take it home with you.
The bar area
Hosts will show you where the bar area is. Make sure you know where the ice is kept, the plastic glasses, wine glasses, and sodas, so you don't get frustrated looking for them. You will probably want to make yourself a drink of some kind upon arrival. Ask a guest if the host is not around. But please don't drink too much alcohol or get high on drugs before coming to a party. People in this lifestyle are sane and sober. They frown on drunks and druggies. One or two alcoholic drinks is OK (unless you get high on one drink). People will notice.
The party rooms
Sometimes hosts forget to show you where the bedrooms are. I find this to be the biggest fault of people who entertain - not showing first-time guests around the house. If a host forgets, ask them. Or ask another guest if they know the house layout. Don't be embarrassed. If you are here for a sex party, you need to know where the beds are and the bathrooms. And also the pool, kitchen and hot tub. Let this be a reminder to all future hosts: please arrange to have someone show first-time guests around the house. One confused person adds more confusion to your party. You want clear-minded people. Bedroom doors are usually kept open at a party, for trust reasons. This is so a spouse can look in on their mate. Single people may not like this idea, but this is a couple's lifestyle first. Singles are guests at a couples party so couples rules apply. If a party allows closed doors, they definitely should not be locked. This is a big no-no at a party. Locked doors have caused big problems. I have personally had to deal with some major ones, just because of a locked door. Usually one bedroom is set aside as a group room, while all the others are for private encounters. Private room rules: you don't join in with a couple in a private room, even if the door is open. You respect their privacy as you would want them to respect yours. Group room rules: you can join in with a light hand to an arm or leg (not a hot spot) and wait for a signal of invitation - or rejection. You might be waved away, in which case, seek another group to join. This is the polite way to do it. The group room is a lot of fun if you walk softly. If are new at this, you and your mate could go in and start playing with each other and see what happens. Stay open so others will sense you want to be joined (if you do). Note: don't stand at the doorway and watch. It's very annoying to have someone looming over you while you are playing. If you want to watch, get down to their level and blend in and watch from that position. It's more discreet.
Sex toys
You should bring your own toys and lotion. Some hosts will provide certain items by the bedsides, but you can't count on it, including condoms. We recommend the Hitachi Magic Wand Vibrator, it is beloved by most of the women in the lifestyle. And for lotion check out Unicure.com. We like it, and have used it for 30 years without any side effects. It is a pH balanced skin and hair conditioner. Bring your own condoms and it's up to the woman to provide her own birth control devices, though you might ask a man if he has had a vasectomy. Quite a few have. If you are a vasectomy-safe man, let women know. They would appreciate it.
Left something behind?
If you left something behind after a party, contact the hosts right away. They will more than likely hold the item for you to pick up soon. But don't wait too long. They are not responsible for it. Arrange for pickup.
Music
Don't expect loud dance music. Private parties are not big clubs in commercial districts. You are in a residential neighborhood. These parties are for quiet sensual-social encounters. It is a different kind of atmosphere than a commercial club. I hear people say, "Oh, I love the dance. We should have dance music!" But even if there was a nice piece playing to dance by, you wouldn't be able to hear it above the noise of social chatter, so you would have to turn it up louder which you can't do in a residential neighborhood. Private parties are in homes and they usually don't have dance floors unless it's way out in the country. Just don't expect that kind of atmosphere. If it doesn't suit you, go to Trapeze or Plato's or Deenie's or one of the lifestyle clubs in a large city. When we hosted private parties we tried for dance music but it didn't work for the same reason mentioned. We had to turn up the volume so loud that we were frightened that our neighbors would call the police, so we would turn it back down and they couldn't hear it well enough to dance. Also, with loud music blaring through the speakers, the people in bedrooms didn't like it. Just forget it. Low soft music for private house parties.
Invitation to future parties
Private house parties are by invitation of the hosts. Hosts are not club owners, but private citizens. We would love to see more house party hosts entertain. It is difficult to get people to open their homes for swing parties. If you are interested, contact Diana at Anakosha. She will advise you how to go about it. Consider doing an orientation before the party to give etiquette and rules of your house. If you like to entertain this is a wonderful way to meet people you like and expand your circle of friends. You are the ones in control and can make the decisions. But do it with kindness, please. You will attract more people with honey instead of rules. We required a couple to be interviewed and met personally before being invited to one of our parties. These are strangers. The most important part of meeting them personally is to establish pecking order. They need to know you are the boss. The head honcho. You rule the roost and what you say goes. They will respect you for it.
At private parties, if you are considering hosting one, it is not required that a person participate sexually, any more than you are expected to bowl if you go to a bowling ally. But, and it's a big but, most of the people at a party will expect you to. Be advised in advance. The code of etiquette is "sharing". You share your partner, and they share theirs. You share your body, they share theirs. It's a blending, merging, bonding, not just physically, but mentally, psychologically and emotionally. These parties are places of opportunity to share sexual partners. Couples who don't participate party after party, no matter how attractive, are generally dropped from the invitation list - unless they are new and have indicated they are working up to it.
The hot tub
The hot tub is managed differently in different homes. Our hot tub was old and it was difficult to regulate the temperature exactly. Some people found it too hot for them, others found it too cool. That will be true no matter where you go. Don't complain. Just accept. A host should have someone in charge of the hot tub, so that person can be perceptive enough to watch it throughout the evening, but everyone gets busy so don't expect perfect temperature. Sometimes a host will keep the cover on and forget to take it off, in which case no one gets to use the hot tub that evening until the host suddenly remembers. A host has a zillion things on his or her mind and things don't always work out as planned. Many hosts will say, "Please, help yourself. Step in and do whatever you see has to be done." And that is the best party of all. Let people step in and take charge. Remove the hot tub cover when you want to get in it. Just set it aside. Others will join you. The best temperature for hot tubs is 99 degrees F. Just above body temperature but not enough to wilt the men so they are unable to perform.
Drinking water
These days most everyone brings their own water. At one time I used to tell people they could drink from the tap, but in these days I guess that question is moot. Even hosts will provide bottled water.
Alcohol and drugs
Light drinking is acceptable and people bring their own bottles of wine, beer or scotch, but excessive drinking is not acceptable. I know clubs where alcohol is not allowed. But a few folks like to have a glass of wine or a beer. If not taken to extreme (like drinking all night long) this is OK. People in the lifestyle are the consensus makers. Swingers avoid individuals who drink excessively and get sloppy drunk. Soppy drunks don't realize they are sloppy drunks. Please do be self-analytical. Look at yourself in the mirror. They will be dropped from an invitation list if they continually drink to excess. The majority of those in the lifestyle do not drink alcohol at all. So drinkers would be well advised to cut down to one drink if they attend a lifestyle party. Alcohol and romantic intimacy (sex) do not mix. If you want to get close with someone you better have all your senses on high alert, or you will be avoided. We have spoken to problem drinkers privately, and most of them have corrected their behavior at parties. Nothing more need to be done. But it's embarrassing. So word of warning ahead of time. On occasion we will ask a couple not to return. Controlled substances (drugs) are definitely illegal. People are sensitive to drugs. Do not bring them or use them. And it is in bad form to show up high on something. You're in someone else's home and you put them at legal risk. You will be asked to leave.
Where you can help
When you attend a party, you can help by picking up after yourselves, or by heating up your own dish and putting it on the table, or pitch in and heat someone else’s dish, cutting the cake or pie, removing the cover from the hot tub, lighting the candles, taking out the kitchen trash when it’s full, turn off lights that are glaring and it's time to turn them down, pick up trash items to keep the space clean. Just do these things without asking for permission. Believe me, hosts will be grateful! All of these and more are helpful to the hosts. Dirty towels and sheets go into a pre-assigned hamper or area. Ask if it's not obvious.
Name tags
In our house name tags and thick grease pen are by the stairs near the front door, next to the donation jar. Make out your own name tag. Your name in big letters, your partner's name in smaller letters in the right hand corner. Name tags are worn in the early part of the party. They tend to get lost as clothes are removed. It is helpful to others to know your name. It facilitates introductions.
No Friday night arrivals
We used to invite people from a distance to come in on Friday night, but after a while that began to take a toll on me, the hostess. I am always busy the night before preparing for the party. I am in no mood to host guests. This would be true for most party hosts. There is a reason for an arrival date and an arrival time and a departure time. Hosts have carved out this time period to open their doors to guests. Outside of those hours they have another life. Be respectful of yours hosts. Friday nights are very busy preparing for the next day. I have included this here because there is still that temptation to arrive the night before for the big party from a long distance away. Swing parties have grown out of personal friendships. When you have only one or two personal friends, you may want to invite them for the whole weekend. But when you invite 15 or 20 couples, the host can't do it. They are not in the Bed and Breakfast business, nor are they doing this for money. They are just two people wanting to entertain one night only. So please don't ask to come in Friday night. Get a hotel room if you're coming from a distance. The hosts are trying very hard to provide a nice party, but to extend it one day early and one day later, is taking advantage unless they specifically invite you. That should be left up to them.
Mardi Gras beads
I will leave this in here because it's an idea. We used to have four differently colored mardi gras beads hanging on hooks on the wall in the dressing area. They are communication tools. You wore silver beads to signal “I’m selective.” You wore red beads to say, “Don't even bother asking, I’m not ready to party, I'll ask you when I'm ready!” If you wear green beads, it means “Yes! I’m ready. Ask me!.” If you wear purple beads, it means “I am bi." Most people didn't use the beads, but some did. It helps to convey a message. It IS a good way to tell people where you're coming from. Hosts might consider using them.
Intimate Etiquette
1. Say “No, thank you” if someone asks and you don’t want to go
That’s all you need to say. It’s called “The Rule of No” and it is absolute. No excuses need be given. Resist the temptation to give a reason why you are declining. To be polite, you might add, “but thank you for asking” or something equivalent to let the asker know that you appreciate being asked. It is a compliment to be asked to a bedroom. But that is all that is needed. “No, thank you, but thank you for asking.”
2. Accept the “Rule of No”
If you have asked someone and they said, “No, thank you,” accept it with grace and do not ask them again for the rest of the evening, or pursue them in any way. Certainly you can talk to them if they are open to socializing, but adjust your thinking so you don't come across as a stalker. The “Rule of No” is to reduce pressure on those who don’t want to be pressured.
3. If you are infectious on a party night
If you have anything that could be transmitted to another person, be responsible to the group and don’t engage in intimate encounters. You can still attend a party for the social aspects, but decline a sexual encounter. There is no blame or shame.
4. If you have your period
You can still attend a party if you have your period, it might have happened just as you are walking out the door. And you can still play if you want to. If you don't want penetration, just keep your panties on to signal that you are off limits in that department. Some women don’t mind sexual intercourse during their periods, and about 50% of the men don’t mind either. Just tell the man in advance and let him make the final decision. He may take a rain check or he might tell you, “It doesn’t bother me if it doesn’t bother you,” in which case take several towels with you.
5. Female ejaculation
Women, if you tend to ejaculate during sexual intercourse, take a towel or three or four with you to put under you to absorb the liquid. Please be considerate of your hosts' mattress. Be creative and figure out ways to protect it. Ejaculation turns a lot of men on, and it is a wonderful form of release for women. Just think about this ahead of time and prepare for it.
6. On nudity
Nudity is warmly welcome from the time you arrive to the time you depart, with one exception when you go through the food line. Most people keep their clothes on through dinner and then dress down after dinner. It was required to dress down at our house parties into something more casual. Some hosts are nudists and normally wouldn’t think twice about nudity, but other people are not nudists. It is best to be sensitive to those who are new to this lifestyle and nudity. There is a whole set of separate rules for nude behavior at nudist clubs. At a swing party, never go nude out the front door - you're not at a nudist resort. Remember the neighbors.
7. Place towels on furniture if naked
We use nudist rules at swing parties. Always carry a towel with you when you are nude as you walk around so that, when you sit down, you put your towel down first and sit on that. It is the sanitary thing to do. The same rule applies at a lifestyle party. If you are walking around someone’s home naked, carry a towel or wrap to sit on. Some hosts cover their sofas and chairs with towels or sheets during a party for that reason. We never did that. We didn't have to because our guests/members had been well trained to be considerate.
8. Don’t drink too much
While light drinking is acceptable, excessive drinking is not. Intimate behavior and alcohol don’t mix. If you are drinking to calm your nerves, watch out. You can’t tell when drinking starts to affect your behavior. People may start avoiding you. Better be safe than sorry. You’ll have a better time if you don’t drink. Appreciate your nervousness. Being nervous is fun. You’re more keenly aware and alive.
9. Be friendly to all
Sometimes I would see people being unusually timid at our parties when under normal circumstances they are outgoing. Be careful that you don’t become defensive. Reach out to others when you are at a swing party. Not overly so, but in a friendly fashion. Talk about things with them, even sexual things like, how long have you been in the lifestyle? Risk being open and vulnerable. Befriend those around you even though you might not be attractive to them. You are not obligated to go to bed with anyone just because you are being friendly and it gives the other person a chance to size you up. He or she might introduce you to someone with whom you ARE compatible. If anyone tries to take advantage of your friendliness and you’re not in the mood, just say you're not ready yet. This is a friendly lifestyle and social interaction is the larger part of the behavior, even more than sex. The social environment is the warm and pleasant cocoon within which people feel free to play. It is how people create an atmosphere of comfort, trust and freedom - by talking with each other and mixing and mingling in the vertical position (standing up!). As individuals loosen up, then they become more free to make selections as they want to. Don’t let others intimidate you. Extend a friendly hug and then pull back if you feel to. Remember, there is no obligation involved to carry it further but hugs are universal to be thrown around like smiles.
10. Women can help the shy men by choosing THEM
Men have a harder time in social settings than women. They really don’t know who to ask or how to ask, and they are generally less selective (picky) than women. So, women, take the initiative. Seduce a man. You will seldom be turned down. If you are, don’t take it personally. Move on to the next man. Help the men have a good time. They need help. Not only will they remember you forever, they will show their appreciation by giving you a sexually good time. You will end up going home happy.
11. Don’t interrupt couples in the private rooms
Rooms that are designated as private rooms should be respected as private. Don't join them. We had two bedrooms in our house which were private. In one of them we put two mats down on either side of the king-sized bed. The other room had a mat on the floor. This room was permitted to have the door closed. A sign was on the outside that said as such. Any couple (or threesome or foursome) engaged on a bed or mat in these two rooms was off-limit to joining. Don’t even interrupt them to ask, since that is a form of joining. In a multi-party house this can be a major problem. It was the men who did not want interruptions. In general and in many cases it takes a man 30 minutes of lovemaking before he can achieve an erection and get ready to use it. Picture a man ready after 30 minutes of foreplay and ready to penetrate when another man shows up and asks to join in. A big flop resulting in anger and disappointment.
12. Group room etiquette
The group room is a soft-core multi-person room where spontaneity is the rule. But in our house it's for sensitive, loving encounters, not wild, orgiastic action like you see in porn films. It can become that way after an hour of soft, warm action. We have enjoyed that action too. But it always starts out slowly. Any new person should enter gently and go slow with conscious appreciation. Be sensitive to the mood. No loud talking or laughter. Get down on your knees, since this is a mat room and you're trying to blend in. Touch a non-erogenous zone first, like a hand, foot, arm, leg, back, hair. Start stroking gently and see what kind of response you get before going to the hot spots. Never start out by touching the genitals or female breasts. If you are waved away, just find another group to join. Respect and accept the rejection. The chances are you will not be rejected but these are common decency rules of etiquette. This is the non-intrusive way of joining into a group room. Don't disrupt the mood that has already been prepared prior to your entry. Especially no loud talking or laughter. Keep it low and sensual for the sake of the whole atmosphere.
13. No touching of breasts without permission
This is not acceptable in the social area of a house party. It is one of the worse things you can do for your reputation as a man or woman. Men especially, but some women have been guilty of it too. It is considered vulgar and makes a woman feel like a piece of meat. Never fondle a woman’s breasts or genitals in the social area without permission. It's gross. The “without permission” is the important part but asking permission is just as bad because women are there to try to please the men. These rules are especially being articulated so men can please the women. It is in a woman's nature - and I will keep repeating this until it sinks in - is to please a man. This has been abused for centuries. Now it's time for men to change their expectations of what women are there for They are NOT there to please a man. That has been a condition imposed on them through eons of abuse which forced them to obey the male in the community. It's time to change. Don't touch women's breasts and don't ask permission to do so. Women really don’t like it unless they are aroused and that doesn't happen by nibbling them. In fact, nibbling a nipple usually turns them off. Learn the fine art of arousing a women in the more appropriate way first, subtly, with a warm hug, a gentle kiss and move slowly. Allow your presence (your aura, your vibrations) to sink in slowly and be felt by her gently. That will warm her up. The connection is the warming-up way to do it. Her connection, not yours. If you go to the “hot spots” prematurely before she is ready she may turn off and your reputation ruined for the next time. If she didn't like what you did (has nothing to do with you as a person) she won't want to be with you again. Likewise, it is disrespectful for women to touch a man’s genitals without permission. Flirting is expected - that’s the seduction part of it and people like that - but reserve the sexually overt touches for the bedroom after you have received the "green light". Everything done at a swing party must be by consensual agreement. This has been the hardest part for men to understand, for men seem to think that all women at a swing party is there to have sex. This is not true as you will come to learn over time. Learn this first before anything else.
14. Is the pool OK for sexual activity?
This is up to the hosts. They will tell you. Some pools are more open to neighbors seeing through cracks. Other pools that are completely closed in are usually free zones for sexual activity. Our house was a free zone. We always kept a bottle of WET near the pool for penetration. It's a special oil which can be applied under water without washing away. Use it as a lubricant. Usually hosts will raise the temperature of their pool for a party. Ours was around 93 F in the summer time, but since we had an old house and system we couldn't quite reach that temperature during the cold winter months, even with the heat pump.
15. Walk softly and whisper in the bedrooms
To preserve the quiet mood and sensuality of the sensual activity in the bedrooms.
16. Don’t hog bed space
Bed space is at a premium in a private party. People don't usually have more than three or four bedrooms. Sometimes hosts will put mats on the floor to supplement the beds. But there are always more couples than beds at a party. A general rule of thumb, but not exact, is an hour. You can certainly go over an hour if that is how it's working out for you, but after you have finished with the sexual part of your togetherness, remember that others may be waiting for a bed. This is just a reminder. Don't rush yourselves. Enjoy the time together.
17. Party any time
We used to tell people, You can use the upstairs bedrooms any time you are here, day or night, as long as you have consent from your significant others. You do not have to wait for party time. Our agenda was never intended to restrict people but to help build a group dynamic. Group dynamics are funny. If the party is spaced over 24 hours you don't get the same kind of dynamic as when the party is spaced over 5 hours. But if the mood strikes, we say, "Go for it!" as long as the primary partners are informed and permission granted. An interesting observation we made at our parties was, whenever a couple arrived late, past 9 pm (with permission), they didn't have as good a time as the others. They missed out on the dynamics and the connection time.
18. Please RSVP to parties early
Party hosts want to know who is coming to their party. So please respond as early as you can. The earlier the better because a good party is built by the excitement of the hosts. The psychological attitude of the hosts is what makes a party work. They are excited. They will put their best efforts into the party. It is a fact that if the hosts do not have many responses their attitudes start to slump. We don't want that to happen. The hosts are the ones who are energizing the party. So RSVP as early as possible, and if there is a chance you might be called away by an emergency that night, maybe a daughter is ready to give birth or a mother is on the critical list at the hospital, you can always cancel. Private party hosts are very difficult to find. Appreciate them and give them the respect they deserve. They are giving from their hearts.
19. Dress-down time is generally after dinner
A new couple attending their first party may not know what is expected of them, dress-wise. Generally speaking, you keep you street clothes on until after dinner. That's just a general rule, though. You might be at a party where people are dressing down before dinner. Or maybe there is no dinner per se. Then, best to fit in with the other folks and dress down as you see others doing it. This is like the subtle shift in consciousness from street clothes and straight thinking, to sexual party. You shed the street persona and shift into intimacy and availability. You are now ready to join the sexual fun so you want to put on something more comfortable. Women enjoy dressing "up" for dress-down time. It’s the feminine thing to do, to make themselves more glamorous and sexy for the men. It gives her permission to flirt. It helps to put her into the mood. Some gals will bring two or three changes for the evening, lingerie, gowns or t-shirts to match her changing moods. The men look to the women to lead them and pave the way. And these days men are starting to get into it better too, with more sexy clothing. There are more sexy things in the stores for men then ever before. I've seen bare-chested men with sexy harem pants flaring out to tie at the ankles. Wrap-around island-type sarongs look good on a man with a hairy chest. And see-through shorts.
20. Introduction circle after dinner
Most party hosts do not do this but I am recommending it. I have been to private parties where this didn't happen, nor was I shown around the house and did not know where the bedrooms where or bathrooms or anything. I ran in strangers naked in the hall and it was a total turn off to me. And I've been around parties and hosted parties for years. This would be a great way for party hosts to start their parties off right. You do it this way. Right after dinner have everyone dress down and gather in the living room just for five or ten minutes. Give a little welcome, and introductions. This helps people to see faces and know who is here. It is the first step in exchanging energies of trust. "We're all part of the same sexual party." At the very least. Then from there everyone's ability to connect is enhanced a thousand fold. Can you imagine running into a naked stranger in your own home? That's what it felt like to me. This produces a more harmonious party, made sweeter by trust. People can trust each other better when they see who is at the party before the party starts. Commercial clubs are known for their anonymity. Private parties are known for their friendliness, so let's make them friendly. More trust means more relaxation and more reaching out.
21. Don’t go to your car once the party starts
The reason for this rule is because of the suspicion that, when you are in the middle of a party and you have to go to your car, you're probably taking drugs or smoking pot. We don’t use drugs in this lifestyle, at least not at parties. What people do in their own home is not our concern. In most groups this is a hard, fast rule: you never go to your car after you arrive. If you have another more legitimate reason for going to your car, tell your host and one or two others that you left your cosmetic bag or whatever in the car and you have to go get it. And then show it to someone when you come back in. There still may be a shadow laid upon you. Better not to even do that. It's just one of those lifestyle etiquettes.
22. Arrive together and leave together
Arrive at the party as a couple and leave as a couple unless special arrangements have been made with the hosts. Sometimes there is an occasion where the women arrives in her own car because her husband is arriving from out of town. In that case, inform them. There is a certain sensitivity in this lifestyle to seeing a man without his wife, or vice verse. People have been programmed to be polite and not ask, but they'll ask another person, "Where's John's wife?" The code of etiquette in this lifestyle is honesty and forthrightness. Don't rely on the old separatist view of "It's none of your business." That is counter to what we are trying to build in this unusual network: Trust, openness, friendship.
23. Select singles
Sometimes two people are separated through divorce or death. It is rare but on occasion you will see a single man or woman at a private house party for couples. We did not include singles at our couples parties we knew them from formerly being part of a couple, now alone. The idea of including friends after death of a loved one is compassionate and long-time friends will try to include them. But it is tricky. And the single person feels it. That is why Anakosha desires to start up a polyamory division as a lifestyle group for singles.
24. Massage during house party
Ask before joining in with a massage that is already underway. Sometimes a massage is a private thing leading up to a date afterwards and interference would not be wanted. But often it is just a fun thing to do. People like to touch and be touched in our lifestyle. If there is a group massage going on, just ask if you can join before jumping in. Even if two of the people have explicit intentions, they will simply leave the group and go off together. Massage at a lifestyle party is a wonderful foreplay for a woman. It will warm her up and melt her down so she is ready for more arduous love play. For a man to be massaged is a different story. He will become so relaxed that he starts to worry he can't get an erection. But men, don't worry! It will come back once you are holding and kissing. It won't take long. If you are worried, give a women a massage instead. It is a great way to get to know a woman. Best not to assume that she will have sex with you after, though. Play it casual and be non-committal. Consider massage as a way for her to get to know your touch. She is evaluating you and reading you. Don't be too pushy or aggressive. And don't be sexual on the massage table. Keep it casual. If a woman offers a massage to a man, she should be aware that he will probably want to have sex afterwards. If she doesn’t want that, she should tell him before the massage gets under way. Talk about it to clear the air and prevent mixed signals.
25. New couple orientations
The Anakosha YIN workshop is an excellent entry orientation to the lifestyle. We used to give two-hour orientations but we decided that wasn't enough preparation time and stopped doing them. Please consider attending the YIN workshop. It is an all-day workshop but has significant influence in preparing a new couple.
26. How to dress
We covered this above, but here it is again: dress code is clean, attractive and casual upon arrival, but not pretentious. Later there is a dress-down time so bring sexy clothes to change into, or a robe or negligee or other bedroom garment or wrap-around. We suggest keeping jewelry to a minimum and bring a personal bag with you for changes and toiletry articles. Every party house is different as to where you can put your personal items and clothing. So bring a bag big enough to carry all you need for the evening. Then you can park it anywhere.
27. Hygiene and cleanliness
Everyone likes a sweet-smelling bed partner. It is a good idea to pay attention to cleanliness and shower often. Wash off after one encounter before going to the next one. Have short smooth fingernails (no hang nails that scratch) and clean, combed or brushed hair. In general, a well-groomed body makes for a desirable and pleasant partner in the bedroom. People in this lifestyle are very conscious of body odors and they do complain about them. Shower often. Use mouthwash. Oral odor can be overwhelming. Women should douche with just plain water earlier in the day to give plenty of time for natural juices to come back. Brush teeth often, wash beards and mustaches, pubic area, finger nails. Use shampoo and soap a lot. Men should shave a couple hours ahead of a party so they don't have stubble to scratch sensitive skin. Women, if you shave the pubic area, shave just ahead of the party so it won't irritate your partner. I saw a man the morning after with a bright red rash on his face. Turned out he gave oral sex to a woman with a stubble the night before. See our Hygiene Hints for more thoughts on the subject.
28. Exchanging phone numbers
A party is a good place to meet new friends for a private date later. This is an excellent screening process. You know that everyone here is interested in sexual sharing or swapping, even though they may not have had their first encounter yet. Have social cards made up with your names, telephone numbers and e-mail addresses to give out to the couple you are interested in. But - clear it with your primary mate first. There is a tradition in the swapping of telephone numbers. Make sure your husband likes the woman, and make sure your wife likes the man before you give your contact information out. Then, consider them on the other side of the fence. Is the wife interested in you, the man? And is the husband interested in you, the wife? If you want to invite that couple to contact you, give your social card to them but don't ask them for theirs, to give them time to discuss it in private. It's a joint decision. They may seem super friendly at a party, but the spouse may be privately turned off. Maybe they don’t want you calling them. Also, be careful who you give your contact info to. They may bug you to death and your wife is not interested. But if you have decided it's OK, just hand them your card and say, “We’d love to get together with you. Give us a call some time,” and then walk away. Don’t put pressure on. If someone asks you for your telephone number say, “I’ll have to check with my wife (or husband) first.” E-mail addresses are somewhat different since they are not so invasive.
29. If you get emotional at a party
Sooner or later we all have an emotional mood surface at a party. Sex with others is healthy. It shifts things around and sometimes exposes a long forgotten emotion. Maybe it is from an abused past, maybe a jealousy, or an insecurity, or a low self esteem. Maybe something totally unknown and untraceable. But it hits you like, WHAM! And you’re caught frozen on the verge of tears, anger or depression. If such a thing happens, find your mate and say something like, “I need to talk to you alone, right now.” Stress the right now but stay cool if you can and deliver the message as calmly as you can. Sometimes one's whole body shakes under an emotional release and you can’t help it. It’s OK. Just ask for help. Ask for support. If your mate is busy, ask another warm-hearted person. On the other hand, if you are interrupted by your mate with such a message, stop immediately what you are doing. Excuse yourself, and go with your mate. Emotional attacks are not logical. They can't be put off. Learn to read signals and act on them immediately. Emotions are highly charged and should be treated as an emergency. The nerves need calming. Give tender loving care. If your mate is not available to love you through a difficult moment, or perhaps is the cause of the difficult moment, seek someone you can trust. Strangers are often the best helpers in emergencies. Or go to the hosts. Anyone to whom you are instinctively drawn, will put an arm around you. You need someone to lean on. Please don't run out the door and down the driveway! This is a support group. Ask for support. Emotional releases are rare but they can happen, especially after sex which can jar things around. And, by the way, emotional releases are tremendous opportunities for personal growth. You will feel better after. This is why I call parties "workshops".
30. If you don’t like the party
If you don’t like the way the party is going, talk to your mate and leave quietly. Don’t speak negatively to others. If you do, you risk being categorized as a complainer and a downer. People shy away from complainers and downers. If there is a specific problem, talk to the hosts about it.
31. Hints for men
More than 50% of women do not reach orgasm through penetration and often do not feel as sexy as they pretend. Sometimes you meet a woman who plays the role of sex object for men, thinking that that is what is required of them. A large number of women have been conditioned to give the man what he wants without feeling aroused herself. A man can give a new female lover a pleasant first time by giving her loving affection and caressing foreplay. She may not get that at home. She will relax better and be more giving if he goes slow and doesn't rush it. Take the time to wait for her to become aroused. There is one method of foreplay that is a safe bet for any gal. If you give her a good 5 or 15 minute massage, including scalp, face, feet, legs, arms and hands, and ending with a back rub and tender kisses on the neck and ears, and then soft, fluttery wet kisses around the labia, she’ll probably melt. You can bet her husband doesn’t do that for her, or any other man either. You can also take some lotion in your hands, warm it up and use lots of it on her labia, gently stroking all around the lips, up and down and around but without penetrating inside (it’s called a yoni massage), just the outside, no penetration, and don’t hurry. It’s a uniquely feminine need to be nurtured and stroked outside without penetration. They are so used to being poked all the time, which is rough, that a melting nurturing outside-only massage will be different for her. Take lots of time. It is a wonderful turn on. When her hips begin to move and the groaning begins, continue doing this for another five minutes to give her time to really get her juices flowing. Don't pay any attention to her sounds of resistance.
32. Hints for women
Erection problems are common no matter what age. Failure is not limited to older men. It happens to men in their 30's too. Many men are overly sensitive about being able to perform with a new lover. He may be perfectly capable at home with his wife or girlfriend but suddenly he can’t achieve an erection at the party. He is under pressure. He thinks that his erection is the most important thing in this encounter, not realizing that women feel the same way. A woman can’t be aroused on command either. It takes mutual appreciation to make good sex happen with a strange new person. Women can make it easy on a man by not expecting an erection, and by not saying something derogatory and unfeeling. Redirect his attention to YOU and show him what he can do to pleasure you. Sometimes in his giving he will forget himself and lo! there he is. Or if a woman gives a flaccid organ some sensitive attention around it, under it, on the stomach and thighs, with massage lotion, not rushing it, but slow and easy, he will begin to relax and find it is working again. Give the body the message through touch that you are in no hurry and they will eventually relax enough to allow blood to pump into the organ to stiffen it. Allow his body to go at its own pace. He is not really the macho male you think he is, and that he thinks he is supposed to be. He is vulnerable, too, like you, and easily hurt by female comments, no matter how gruff his outer exterior. A nice technique to use on a man is to put some lotion in your hands to warm it up first, then massage the penis gently up and down and under the scrotum softly, gently, not hard, and up onto the stomach, and down around the rim of the head. By going slow and massaging all over instead of in one spot, keeping your hands moist and applying more lotion whenever it gets dry, and thinking loving thoughts, will do the trick. And not hurrying and not being too rough, but just loving this man gently and loving him long will allow a man to relax and stop trying so hard. Then arousal can happen.
33. Discretion and privacy
People in the lifestyle don’t want others to know. The general rule of thumb is (a) Don’t tell others what happens at a party or encounter unless you already know they belong to the group. But don’t assume. Know in fact. (b) Don’t give out another couple’s telephone number or address to a third party. (c) You can offer your telephone number or address to someone, but don’t ask for theirs. It puts them in an awkward position. (d) Don’t call the mate of another couple privately for love talk or arrange for a private (cheating) date. That’s a real no-no. Call them as a couple and talk to either one who answers. (e) Don’t keep calling a couple if they are not returning your phone calls. After three attempts you can safely assume they do not want to talk to you. Take a hint. (f) Don’t leave sexually overt messages on answering machines where children or parents can hear, and don’t talk party talk over the telephone unless you first ask, “Are you free to talk? Do you want to call me back?” Often family members are within ear shot. Make sure you are talking to the right “Don” or “Betty” and not a daughter or son. Many couples have children and in-laws living with them with same names. (g) Don't give your street address out. (h) And, no matter how tempted you are to tell your family about the lifestyle because it’s sooooo exciting, take it from me and those who’ve been there: DON’T! The elation will pass and you will be back to normal in a few hours and regret any revelations you might have made. So curb that desire. Keep your sex life secret. They really won’t understand and they could cause problems in the family.
34. Don’t climb in bed with a sleeping person
Maybe most people in this lifestyle wouldn’t mind, but we’ve seen this turn into trauma and shock. Always remember that people are sensitive under the skin. You shouldn’t climb into bed with a sleeping person and try to snuggle or have sex with that person, even if they invited you the night before. Sexual sharing is happy when it is between conscious and willing consenting adults with full permission from primary partners. In other words, what we do at swing parties is prearranged. If one is sleeping, one is not conscious, and it's not prearranged. It then turns into a violation and can have disastrous after effects. I have turned off to men forever who have done this to me.
35. Jealousy attacks
Jealousy hits everyone, it is not new. The times when it hits the most is when there is an insecurity going on already. Maybe a man is suffering rejection and not getting enough sexual encounters at a party while his wife is having a grand time with many people. Jealousy attack. Or maybe a woman doesn't get enough emotional connection with her husband at home (very common) and she now sees her husband spending excessive time with a gal at a party. Jealousy attack. There are a thousand scenarios that could crop up to cause feelings of jealousy. The best advice we can give is be sensitive to your mate and provide emotional comfort when he or she comes to you needing a hug. A good indication is when she or he says, “I need you”. Stop what you’re doing and give full and loving attention to your mate. Your relationship comes first. Go out of your way to make sure they get emotional hugs and kisses and reassurances. Check in with them often. Make it first on your priority list at a party to go to your mate and say, "I love you, honey. Have fun. If you need me, come find me." And you can’t go wrong. You always have each other for support. You can always go back later and resume your activities with a lifestyle friend. Jealousy attacks need your full attention. Remember: you probably can't be in this lifestyle without your mate. It will be difficult.
36. Don’t make dates with another man’s wife
It is called “cheating” and it can happen inside of a swing party. In the lifestyle one does not cheat, it's a no-no. But one can date the same person at parties. It's called infatuation and it can draw you into an emotional entanglement without realizing it, and it threatens the primary relationship. A true case scenario happened with me. I as a woman really enjoyed this particular man. I looked forward to seeing him at the parties and he reciprocated the feeling. We were drawn to each other over and above the other people. We were compatible. My husband told me he was uncomfortable with me going with this man every time at every party but I didn't want to listen to him. I assured him that there was nothing to worry about, that I just liked him. In my mind it was liberating and fun for me to be with him. My husband told me at the next party again, that he was uncomfortable about it, and added that other people were noticing too and beginning to talk. (Which is true, people talk.) But it took a third time from my husband to get me to stop going with this man at the parties. At first I felt deprived. I was sad. Dejected. All kinds of emotions surfaced over it. I told the gentleman that I could not go with him any more because it was causing problems. From hindsight, looking back on it, it could easily have turned into a "falling in love" thing, but as it was it was just a silly infatuation - the kind that teenagers have for their first love affair. My husband pulled me away before it got too deeply involved. Just be aware that it can happen. Emotions can become entangled if you go repeatedly over and over again with the same person. The value of our lifestyle is variety. We keep it light by changing partners. That way we don't have a chance to become emotionally involved with any one person. Your wife or husband will be the first to notice. Our suggestion is to put your relationship first. Oblige them when they feel threatened and stop seeing that person.
37. Don’t make dates without permission
This is a continuation of No. 36 above. Don’t make dates in the lifestyle outside of the agreed-upon parameters between your wife/husband and you. These parameters should be explicit to help you remember them. It is easy to get caught up in the flow of fun-loving people at a party and forget. An example of a man forgetting his agreement happened at one of our parties. Sunday morning after the party several others continued to have encounters and he joined in. His wife became very upset. She thought the party was over and he did not go to her to discuss it or ask her permission, which would have set new paramters. Instead, he went upstairs with another woman without clearing it with her. It caused problems. When she realized it she became very angry and stormed out of the house and drove away, leaving his bag behind. (Yes, she came back later.) The point is, jealousy does not come about from mutual agreements to have sex with others. Jealousy happens when one strays over the line. It happens when one breaks the hard-lined, agreed-upon, time and place. Then it becomes a betrayal of a promise. The solution is to clear everything first with your mate. Keep checking in to see if "is it OK?" or "Are you OK with this?" And listen to the truthful answer. It might not be OK. If it's not, honor that even if it makes you sad. Decline respectfully. Don’t take your primary mate for granted. Honor your relationship. It is sacred. This lifestyle works when people remember the rules.
38. Go as slow as the slowest person among you
Support your primary mate. Connect with your mate often during a lifestyle party. If you party separately, spend quality time between encounters hugging, holding, and kissing your primary partner, with eyes only for him or her. Keep your emotional bond intact. Your relationship comes first. Everyone else comes second. The largest single cause of problems between couples in this intimacy game of sharing is when one partner goes faster than the other, picks up speed and leaves his partner in the dust. It is important to remember a sensitive, shy and vulnerable mate. Your relationship always comes first. A word of caution. Never say, “Don’t be jealous!” That's a stupid statement because jealousy isn't something you can control. It's an emotional attack. If you find yourself saying it, it’s already too late. Jealousy is already brewing. Stop immediately and focus on rebuilding your emotional connection with your life mate. Make eye contact often, blow kisses from doorways, say “I love you” as you pass, and whisper sweet nothings. Keep supporting your relationship. Be encouraging, positive and excited about your relationship and the fun you are having TOGETHER. Keep your love bond quivering between you even as you go off with another sex partner and be anxious to return and tell them all about it. This activity should enhance the primary relationship, not undermine it. Tell your mate later everything that happened and show interest in what they did that night. Ask them for details. Show them you are interested. It helps to talk about the details to clear away any lingering doubts, suspicions or obsessions that may have developed with another person. And tell them, “It wasn’t nearly as wonderful as it is with you. You are still the best!” And that's true because you have built layers into your relationship that the others do not have with you.
39. Find out if separate or together
Many long-time experienced couples party separately at parties. They find it more fulfilling to connect with someone they like for themselves alone, rather than look for just the right matching couple. Others, especially those who are more newly involved in the lifestyle, prefer to stay together because they like to watch each other and share the experience. There is no right or wrong, but these two couples just mentioned would be incompatible. At a party ask a potential partner up front, “How do you party? Together or separate?” Gain an understanding of how they operate. People expect to be asked that. If they say “together” and your mate isn’t available, ask if you can find someone else to join as a foursome.
40. Developing social graces
Being able to move in and out of sexual groups socially will definitely help you in this lifestyle. Some key problem areas we’ve seen can be corrected if you know about them. If you feel people are moving away from you, you may be literally “pushing” them away by either talking too much or too loud, or shutting them out by turning inward and sitting in silence and sending off clouds of doubt and darkness because nobody is talking to you. Lighten up! One way to lighten up is to move around physically instead of sitting in one spot and letting your bad feelings thicken in a cloud around you. Move through the house. Try talking to different people. Reach out. Try different methods of approach. It's easier for women to do this but men are afraid of making wrong moves. A man could say to a gal, “Can I have a hug? I don’t want anything else, just a hug!” and put her at ease. Or he could ask if they’d like a noncommittal massage (be sure to stress “noncommital”). Or he could ask a serious question like, "Could I ask you something?" (Pause for an answer) "Do you REALLY like these types of parties?" Or something equally profound to get them thinking. It will show that you have a philosophical interest. If you are shy you have to work at this but it can be rather fun to tackle "approach" as a challenge.
41. Bisexuality
Female bisexuality is acceptable at parties traditionally, but male bisexual behavior is less acceptable and not done openly due to the fear of AIDS. This list was written in 1987 and today in 2011 there is still a level of fear of both AIDS and homophobia in the lifestyle. Before the era of AIDS we saw more men being orally bi with each other and not afraid to be intimate male to male, while in threesomes with women. Now that the AIDS epidemic is over, the fear still lingers. We feel that men deserve the right to be bisexual as much as women but we caution men to keep it more private than you would otherwise. Just to protect your reputation. A swing party is not the place to take a stand and come out of the closet. We encourage the exploration of intimacy when it is appropriate and circumstances allow it. But we don’t recommend putting your reputation on the line in front of people who would disapprove. People worry when they see a man being orally bi, thinking that he must be anally bi, too, which is how AIDS was believed to have spread in the first place. Whether true or not, what people believe makes it true for them.
42. Anal sex
We recommend that you not practice anal sex with strangers. Due to the stretching of skin and resultant lesions that occur because it is not built to stretch like the vagina is. Any disease present in the sperm can be passed directly into the blood stream of the receiver.
43. Privacy Agreement:
Don’t tell anybody about who, what and where. Remember that you signed a privacy agreement. Enjoy this lifestyle with discretion. Violations are when a disgruntled person wants to retaliate. They become hurt or angry with someone, probably their spouse. Violations also occur when someone wants to sell a titillating story about a party, like a news journalist or reporter. Or it could be a politician who wants to earn credit for exposing a sex club and he or she puts undercover detectives into a club. Or it could be a person who wants to show off to friends what s/he does on weekends. Be cautious about who you tell about these activities, and never tell a name. You can tell about the lifestyle in general. That doesn't hurt anyone. What hurts is when you tell names, places, street addresses and other pertinent information to non-lifestyle people. It could be a policeman you are telling, who is probing you for information, and operating under cover. Train yourself to think, “If this person is an undercover agent, am I telling him (or her) anything damaging?" To think this way is not paranoid. I know people whose lives have been damaged because important people in their life found out about it. Children have been taken away from parents, and families disrupted by would-be "do-gooders". Lifestyle clubs are still being closed by authorities. In our exuberance we forget that this is not an acceptable part of the culture, and there are those who would persecute us if they could. For your own protection and that of your friends, always be aware of what you are revealing.
44. Sleep with your own partner, not someone else’s
This is not a hard fast rule, it is a guideline. Some couples have been swinging for so long they have become masters of their relationship (they know how to maneuver it) and they can do this without problems. But if you are going to sleep all night in a swapping situation, be aware that body vibrations shift and latch onto the body next to them. Scientists call it “entraining”. Remaining in close contact for long periods of time, like eight hours of sleeping together, can form intimacy attachments on a subconscious level. A total swap for two or three days has been known to result in “falling in love” without the participants realizing it until it is too late. A word to the wise is sufficient. In addition, one part of the couple is probably not comfortable with the arrangement to begin with, but is just going along with it to keep the peace. These kinds of things come back to haunt later.
45. Falling in love
Falling in love can be prevented through knowing how it works. This is a wakeup call. At this writing (1967), we can count four instances in the last year where someone fell in love with someone else in the lifestyle that we know personally. In each case, the love was not reciprocated. In each case it was one-sided. All happened because of repeating encounters. Out of normal lifestyle affection, it just snuck up on them. Three of them were women who “fell in love” with a man, one was a man who “fell in love” with a woman. In each case the couple had to sit down and talk about it and then take a step back to reconsider whether or not to continue in this activity. You don’t have to go so far as to quit the lifestyle. Falling in love is sort of like catching the flu. You just have to stay away from the source of infection until the fever subsides. It’s biochemical and it will dissolve over time if contact is withdrawn from the person in question. Continue to have sex with others to keep your sexual energy moving. You wouldn’t want to close down after having come so far in your journey into freedom. By continuing to have sex with others you unlatch from the one who became so all-important. There is nothing shameful about falling in love. What we are advising is there is such a thing as choice involved in continuing with it. Infatuation is one of the risks of the lifestyle. New couples are apt to fall into this but listen to us old-timers. Know the symptoms to watch for. Warning signs: if you find yourself too eager to go with a particular person, and you're disappointed and depressed if they don’t show up or turn you down for someone else. That's a sign that you falling into infatuation. Use your free will choice and cut them off for now. Go with someone else. Don’t go too often with the same person, over and over again. It’s a sign of becoming “hooked” on someone. And listen to your life mate. He or she will probably say something. Here is an important fact: Lifestyle behavior transcends lower attachment emotions. Lifestyle interacts at a higher level.
46. Listen to your primary mate’s warnings
Your relationship comes first and your primary mate is your best friend. If he or she tells you they are uncomfortable with you going to bed with a certain person, listen to them. They may be seeing a brewing attachment which you can’t see in your heady involvement with a new relationship. Step back a minute and listen. They have a more objective view than you do. They can also feel the undermining of your primary relationship. Even if they are talking out of insecurity and jealousy, still listen to them. They are giving you some warning signs that they are feeling a disconnection. Sit down and talk. Redefine your parameters at lifestyle parties. Say, “OK. I want to work with you so you are more comfortable. You are the most important person in my life. But what would make you more comfortable? Would it help if we only partied together for a little while? Would it help if you had final say over who I went with?” Keep asking questions to ascertain what would work for them. You may reach a conclusion that your primary mate simply does not want to participate any more, but chances are you will find a way to compromise. Remember, the lifestyle works because the primary relationship always comes first.
47. Condoms
Sorry this is so far down on the list, I overlooked it. It is of primary importance to many people but it never was for me personally. When I started swinging it was before the age of AIDS and most couples did not use condoms. Today you will find that older people tend not to require condoms as much as younger people do. It is highly individual. We used to provide condoms at our parties, but it is customary to bring your own. You know better what type you like. You might have a favorite brand. If you require condoms, however, be sure to ask your potential bedmate if they are OK with condoms. It is considered polite to discuss this requirement before going to a bedroom. Don't wait until you are prone to spring it on them. Some people refuse to use comdoms so give them the opportunity to decline BEFORE you are in a bedroom. Ask or tell up front your position on condoms.
48. Open or closed doors?
This depends on the hosts and how their house is laid out. They will inform you. A group room usually has an open door policy, but it may have a curtain hanging over it to cut down the light. In all rooms enter quietly and carefully. Most rooms will be darkened with subtle lighting. If a host couple allows a closed door at their party, they will probably have a sign on it indicating such, but certainly they will not permit locked doors. That goes against the flow of the party.
49. More on group room activity
Groups rooms are fun if you know how to maneuver in them. The two of you might go in together and start out caressing each other. Then allow others to join you or you join others. You can say No in here by simply removing an unwanted hand, or shaking your head non-verbally. Don’t stand at the doorway and watch, but if you can get away with peeking go ahead. One man used to hide in a closet and peek through the slats. On entering the group room, get down on your knees to be at the same level as the others, so your presence doesn’t loom over people and cause them to be uncomfortable. Please don’t probe intimate places without first connecting with a person’s face and eyes first, so they know who is touching them and can accept or reject as they want.
50. A trick to helping a woman to orgasm
The Hitachi Magic Wand has a round rubber head that vibrates at two speeds. It is very strong. It does not go inside a woman but is used outside on the clitoris. A man may also enjoy it beneath the testicles. A hint to help a woman to orgasm: have the lover insert one or two fingers inside and rub the G-spot (point toward the stomach) while the woman holds the vibrator herself on the clitoris outside. She knows better exactly where to put it to connect with the G-spot inside, which is the root of the clitoris. The clitoris and G-spot are connected and it almost never fails to spark an orgasm. Keep everything moist; don't let it dry out. Moisture seems to be an important part of making the connection.
51. Want to entertain? We will help!
If you would like to host a party in your house and invite people from our party list, we will help you. If you only want a small party, we can help you get the word out to certain people if you want us to, but it is always your selection of guests. We are here to facilitate. Plan to invite three times as many couples as you really want, because not everyone will accept. If you want 5 couples at your party, invite 15 and rest assured that you will only get 5 or 4 or 6 acceptances. But you can't be sure, so stretch yourself to include the unknown. It's all about stretching and adapting to the new and untried. Include more love in your life by loving the people who come to your party. It will bring wonderful personal growth rewards.
52. Staying together as a couple
New couples often prefer to stay together, at least initially. But if they stick too close at a party they may not be connecting at all. They may be sending signals to "stay away" because they're sitting too close together. People may think they don't want to party, but it's only shyness and/or fear. Try separating for a little while during the social time of the party to show the group you are capable of standing alone. Go out and circulate and chat with people for five or ten minutes and then come back together and compare notes. Also, be aware that certain seating arrangements can lock you down into a comfort zone. Round tables tend to lock people in and they are frozen in place for the night. Force yourself to get up and move around individually. Swing parties are always in motion. People are all seeking new connections. Be among them. It is a friendly place. Introduce yourself, each of you go in different directions. Talk about yourself and tell about your significant other who is "somewhere around here". Sit down for a while and then get up and move around again. Change the energy. It's stimulating. Keep it refreshed. It’s all about energy. And don't get too comfortable. Move around and make contact with others, a touch here, a hug there, telling about your mate and that you are new and you want to stay together. Soon you will start attracting some invitations.
53. Women, you can ask men to party
It's true that women generally wait for the men to ask them. But women, you should know that the lifestyle is powered by women. I have watched over the years and it is women who start the action going. So try something new and different and risk asking a man to the bedroom. They will love you for it. You will find yourself becoming bolder and bolder as you do this. Your sexual confidence will return and you will lighten up and start glowing. Don’t just sit and wait for a man to ask you. Men have learned not to push at parties and sometimes a party falters because they are so afraid to approach a woman. You might try a visualization technique: silently open your heart and imagine warm liquid love shining like a sun from your heart out like a radiation. Picture yourself like a glowing light bulb and see what happens as you continue moving around, radiating this warm liquid love light. Go to the group room for 15 minutes and glow there. Go to the hot tub for 15 minutes and glow there. Then the living room, kitchen, table. Keep glowing and when a man comes toward you, obviously attracted by your glow, then you ask HIM. See what happens.
54. Police and the lifestyle
Our in-house lawyer says, if someone of authority, whether a policeman or someone from county or state government, asks you questions pertaining to Anakosha or the lifestyle or any swing party or event, you are not required to answer. Repeat: you are not required to answer. Government agents often intimidate people into talking when they are not required to answer. If you have signed an Anakosha privacy agreement, tell them, "I'm required by law not to reveal this information. I signed a privacy agreement." This would not apply if a judge requires you to answer, but you can ask the judge not to make you answer except for questions directly, legally relevant to the matter before the court. If you get anywhere close to being required to testify in court and private information appears likely to come up, consult an attorney.
When we were actively giving house parties we gave this list to everyone. I am adding it here to give a general idea about swing parties. This list of etiquette is pretty universal no matter where you go in the USA, though of course each private home will be slightly different, or maybe largely different. This list doesn't apply to commercial clubs like Plato's or Deenie's, they have their own rules. But when you are invited to a private party you're entering someone's private home. The hosts are entertaining a little more unusual cocktail party. They will give you more specifics when you accept their invitation. We told our guests to arrive between 6 and 7:30 pm and bring a dish of their choice for the buffet, plus a suggested $20 donation for the cookie jar. This was done on the honor system. No one collected money. We knew everyone who attended. We had no strangers coming to our parties. Dinner was out at 7:30. Pot luck is still standard in house parties. It would be too much to ask a host to provide all the food for a private party. Donations were placed in a cookie jar upon arrival and everyone stayed dressed during the social hour and through dinner. After dinner we asked everyone to get out of their street clothes into more intimate or skimpy attire. We insisted on this for the comfort of everyone. If one person sat out fully dressed while everyone else moved around in skimpies or naked, the clothed individual was looked upon as an outsider, present only to observe. It made people nervous.
Clothes and dress-down
A party house needs a dress-down area. Dress down means put on something more casual or intimate. One fellow was a nudist and he wore nothing, however, during the buffet we asked him to put a towel on for hygiene reasons. In our house we used plastic stack shelves for people to put their personal clothes and other items on. Because of change of clothes, people arrive carrying large bags with various items in it. Women sometimes bring two or three outfits to change into, from sexy teddies to caftans to shorty robes, to flowing garments, T-shirts, bikinis or pajamas. Men wear shorts, a long shirt, a terry cloth velcro wrap-around, a short robe or something in male sexy wear. It is recommended to dress neat and clean and groomed for arrival, rather than sloppy. Dress up to arrive and dress down after dinner. People notice well-groomed guests. It is respectful to be clean and tidy. Even if the hosts don't ask you to, plan to get out of street clothes into intimate clothes to show you are with the party and are available. In our house, you could not stay if you remained fully clothed. You would not have to participate but you had to dress down to show you were not undercover police or a news journalist, but were really there to play.
Meet in the living room before party time
At our parties, after dinner and dress down, we asked everyone to meet in the living room to welcome them and make introductions. This provided everyone a chance to scan the faces and know who was present. After that we had an introduction-hugging circle where the men stood in a circle facing out, and the women started out with their own mate, and on a signal, hugged their mate. Then on signal the women went around the circle to meet every man there. It was up to the woman whether she wanted to hug him or shake hands. Shaking hands was OK too, if she was shy. It was her choice. This proved a very good mixer and dates were made during the circle. The circle ended approximately at 9 pm, the official start time at all our parties, and people scattered to where ever they wanted, including the bedrooms.
It's OK to start early
It was OK to go to a bedroom before 9 pm if they met someone they were attracted to. Even if it was as early as 6:30 or 7 pm, as long as they had permission from their primary partner. We didn't want problems. Sometimes this caused a fight if a husband or wife didn't know where their spouse went. They just disappeared. The etiquette was taught to protect the sensitivities of the primary couple. The 9 pm start time was only a guideline to provide structure to the party. Honesty and communication was important in our club. Many clubs do not teach etiquette as we did, and we have heard the problems reported back to us. In most sophisticated parties where everyone is experienced, there won't be any rules. Everyone is expected to know how to behave, yet there are always problems that develop over tiny little things you wouldn't think of. Teaching etiquette and manners was crucial to the success of our club. We took it further. If someone drank too much alcohol and got drunk and obnoxious, he would be taken aside and politely suggested he not do that in the future. Or if a man was being too pushy, we talked to him. Very seldom did we have to eject anyone.
Front door locked at 9 pm
The front door was locked at 9 pm so no arrivals were allowed after that. In special circumstances we might allow a couple to be late if they called in advance. Parties usually went until 1 or 2 in the morning, sometimes later. Sometimes til 5 or 6 if it was an especially stimulating party. And there were some sleepovers for breakfast in the morning for an extra $5 a head.
Cost of parties
This will vary. When you are invited to a party, ask how much. The hosts will tell you. It depends on how often they give parties. If they give parties often, they will probably want a donation unless they are rich and can afford it. Most people can't. Then they may put a donation jar out discreetly or announce it, and perhaps make a suggested donation figure. Or they may simple put a price on the party and tell you up front. But hosts have to be careful because they cannot charge a set fee in a residential area. It has to be by "free will donation". Most private party hosts do it as a hobby because they love entertaining, but it does cost money to entertain. Virtually all private party hosts will ask you to bring a dish for the buffet. When my husband and I entertained a lot we put a donation jar out and blank envelopes beside it, into which guests put the suggested $20 and their names on the front.
What to bring to a party
Bring a bag of personal items, toiletries, casual dress-down clothes and towels for the pool or hot tub. Bring a donation in the form of cash (find out how much ahead of time). Bring a dish for the buffet and if you have a special drink, bring that. Hosts generally provide a minimum of sodas. Upon arrival you will have your hands full so ask as soon as you arrive where to put your things. There is usually a designated area in the house for personal belongings. Food goes to the kitchen. You are pretty much on your own, after this, since the hosts will be busy doing other things. Put your things away and roam around introducing yourselves. Clothes are put on stack shelves where every couple gets a shelf of their own, or it could be a plastic storage container with a lid, or some other fashion. The bedrooms are usually kept free of personal belongings because the rooms are going to be used heavily during the party, and the hosts don't want you to interrupt.
Sleeping overnight
Very few hosts want to indulge sleepovers, so ask up front to see what your options are. Giving a party is a lot of work and they're not in the business of being a bed and breakfast too. But some hosts just might want to. If you're coming from a distance the polite thing to do is to ask them to suggest a hotel. They might offer to have you sleep over. We used to let couples sleep over. We liked having lots of people around. It kept the party going into the next day. Sometimes we charged extra for it, sometimes not. It depended on how big the party was and how many breakfasts in the morning. For us it was loose. But you'd better not expect overnight bed unless the hosts offer, and then it might be on a mat on the floor in a room with other couples.
Towels, washcloths, bathrooms
Most hosts provide stacks of clean washcloths in each bathroom, and a plastic container on the floor (in additioin to the wastebasket) for dirty washcloths. And they keep a stack of extra hand towels for washing of hands. Bring your own bath towels with you to parties, because occasional hosts don't have enough towels for everybody. As it is, hosts have to wash all the sheets after a party. If they had to wash all the towels for everyone too, it would take two days to get all the washing, drying and cleaning done. But remember to bring your towel home with you. We have accumulated a lot of other peoples' towels over the years that were left behind. Hosts will provide a hamper for dirty towels, and will expect you to use their shower if you need to. We recommend bringing your own bathroom items, just out of politeness, though hosts will have certain items out on the bathroom counters too. We used to tell our guests to shower with a friend, since this was an intimate lifestyle, and even leave the bathroom door open so someone else can use the facilities. But of course, that is a personal preference. Some people put their toiletry bag in a bathroom or under the sink for when they need it - but don't forget to take it home with you.
The bar area
Hosts will show you where the bar area is. Make sure you know where the ice is kept, the plastic glasses, wine glasses, and sodas, so you don't get frustrated looking for them. You will probably want to make yourself a drink of some kind upon arrival. Ask a guest if the host is not around. But please don't drink too much alcohol or get high on drugs before coming to a party. People in this lifestyle are sane and sober. They frown on drunks and druggies. One or two alcoholic drinks is OK (unless you get high on one drink). People will notice.
The party rooms
Sometimes hosts forget to show you where the bedrooms are. I find this to be the biggest fault of people who entertain - not showing first-time guests around the house. If a host forgets, ask them. Or ask another guest if they know the house layout. Don't be embarrassed. If you are here for a sex party, you need to know where the beds are and the bathrooms. And also the pool, kitchen and hot tub. Let this be a reminder to all future hosts: please arrange to have someone show first-time guests around the house. One confused person adds more confusion to your party. You want clear-minded people. Bedroom doors are usually kept open at a party, for trust reasons. This is so a spouse can look in on their mate. Single people may not like this idea, but this is a couple's lifestyle first. Singles are guests at a couples party so couples rules apply. If a party allows closed doors, they definitely should not be locked. This is a big no-no at a party. Locked doors have caused big problems. I have personally had to deal with some major ones, just because of a locked door. Usually one bedroom is set aside as a group room, while all the others are for private encounters. Private room rules: you don't join in with a couple in a private room, even if the door is open. You respect their privacy as you would want them to respect yours. Group room rules: you can join in with a light hand to an arm or leg (not a hot spot) and wait for a signal of invitation - or rejection. You might be waved away, in which case, seek another group to join. This is the polite way to do it. The group room is a lot of fun if you walk softly. If are new at this, you and your mate could go in and start playing with each other and see what happens. Stay open so others will sense you want to be joined (if you do). Note: don't stand at the doorway and watch. It's very annoying to have someone looming over you while you are playing. If you want to watch, get down to their level and blend in and watch from that position. It's more discreet.
Sex toys
You should bring your own toys and lotion. Some hosts will provide certain items by the bedsides, but you can't count on it, including condoms. We recommend the Hitachi Magic Wand Vibrator, it is beloved by most of the women in the lifestyle. And for lotion check out Unicure.com. We like it, and have used it for 30 years without any side effects. It is a pH balanced skin and hair conditioner. Bring your own condoms and it's up to the woman to provide her own birth control devices, though you might ask a man if he has had a vasectomy. Quite a few have. If you are a vasectomy-safe man, let women know. They would appreciate it.
Left something behind?
If you left something behind after a party, contact the hosts right away. They will more than likely hold the item for you to pick up soon. But don't wait too long. They are not responsible for it. Arrange for pickup.
Music
Don't expect loud dance music. Private parties are not big clubs in commercial districts. You are in a residential neighborhood. These parties are for quiet sensual-social encounters. It is a different kind of atmosphere than a commercial club. I hear people say, "Oh, I love the dance. We should have dance music!" But even if there was a nice piece playing to dance by, you wouldn't be able to hear it above the noise of social chatter, so you would have to turn it up louder which you can't do in a residential neighborhood. Private parties are in homes and they usually don't have dance floors unless it's way out in the country. Just don't expect that kind of atmosphere. If it doesn't suit you, go to Trapeze or Plato's or Deenie's or one of the lifestyle clubs in a large city. When we hosted private parties we tried for dance music but it didn't work for the same reason mentioned. We had to turn up the volume so loud that we were frightened that our neighbors would call the police, so we would turn it back down and they couldn't hear it well enough to dance. Also, with loud music blaring through the speakers, the people in bedrooms didn't like it. Just forget it. Low soft music for private house parties.
Invitation to future parties
Private house parties are by invitation of the hosts. Hosts are not club owners, but private citizens. We would love to see more house party hosts entertain. It is difficult to get people to open their homes for swing parties. If you are interested, contact Diana at Anakosha. She will advise you how to go about it. Consider doing an orientation before the party to give etiquette and rules of your house. If you like to entertain this is a wonderful way to meet people you like and expand your circle of friends. You are the ones in control and can make the decisions. But do it with kindness, please. You will attract more people with honey instead of rules. We required a couple to be interviewed and met personally before being invited to one of our parties. These are strangers. The most important part of meeting them personally is to establish pecking order. They need to know you are the boss. The head honcho. You rule the roost and what you say goes. They will respect you for it.
At private parties, if you are considering hosting one, it is not required that a person participate sexually, any more than you are expected to bowl if you go to a bowling ally. But, and it's a big but, most of the people at a party will expect you to. Be advised in advance. The code of etiquette is "sharing". You share your partner, and they share theirs. You share your body, they share theirs. It's a blending, merging, bonding, not just physically, but mentally, psychologically and emotionally. These parties are places of opportunity to share sexual partners. Couples who don't participate party after party, no matter how attractive, are generally dropped from the invitation list - unless they are new and have indicated they are working up to it.
The hot tub
The hot tub is managed differently in different homes. Our hot tub was old and it was difficult to regulate the temperature exactly. Some people found it too hot for them, others found it too cool. That will be true no matter where you go. Don't complain. Just accept. A host should have someone in charge of the hot tub, so that person can be perceptive enough to watch it throughout the evening, but everyone gets busy so don't expect perfect temperature. Sometimes a host will keep the cover on and forget to take it off, in which case no one gets to use the hot tub that evening until the host suddenly remembers. A host has a zillion things on his or her mind and things don't always work out as planned. Many hosts will say, "Please, help yourself. Step in and do whatever you see has to be done." And that is the best party of all. Let people step in and take charge. Remove the hot tub cover when you want to get in it. Just set it aside. Others will join you. The best temperature for hot tubs is 99 degrees F. Just above body temperature but not enough to wilt the men so they are unable to perform.
Drinking water
These days most everyone brings their own water. At one time I used to tell people they could drink from the tap, but in these days I guess that question is moot. Even hosts will provide bottled water.
Alcohol and drugs
Light drinking is acceptable and people bring their own bottles of wine, beer or scotch, but excessive drinking is not acceptable. I know clubs where alcohol is not allowed. But a few folks like to have a glass of wine or a beer. If not taken to extreme (like drinking all night long) this is OK. People in the lifestyle are the consensus makers. Swingers avoid individuals who drink excessively and get sloppy drunk. Soppy drunks don't realize they are sloppy drunks. Please do be self-analytical. Look at yourself in the mirror. They will be dropped from an invitation list if they continually drink to excess. The majority of those in the lifestyle do not drink alcohol at all. So drinkers would be well advised to cut down to one drink if they attend a lifestyle party. Alcohol and romantic intimacy (sex) do not mix. If you want to get close with someone you better have all your senses on high alert, or you will be avoided. We have spoken to problem drinkers privately, and most of them have corrected their behavior at parties. Nothing more need to be done. But it's embarrassing. So word of warning ahead of time. On occasion we will ask a couple not to return. Controlled substances (drugs) are definitely illegal. People are sensitive to drugs. Do not bring them or use them. And it is in bad form to show up high on something. You're in someone else's home and you put them at legal risk. You will be asked to leave.
Where you can help
When you attend a party, you can help by picking up after yourselves, or by heating up your own dish and putting it on the table, or pitch in and heat someone else’s dish, cutting the cake or pie, removing the cover from the hot tub, lighting the candles, taking out the kitchen trash when it’s full, turn off lights that are glaring and it's time to turn them down, pick up trash items to keep the space clean. Just do these things without asking for permission. Believe me, hosts will be grateful! All of these and more are helpful to the hosts. Dirty towels and sheets go into a pre-assigned hamper or area. Ask if it's not obvious.
Name tags
In our house name tags and thick grease pen are by the stairs near the front door, next to the donation jar. Make out your own name tag. Your name in big letters, your partner's name in smaller letters in the right hand corner. Name tags are worn in the early part of the party. They tend to get lost as clothes are removed. It is helpful to others to know your name. It facilitates introductions.
No Friday night arrivals
We used to invite people from a distance to come in on Friday night, but after a while that began to take a toll on me, the hostess. I am always busy the night before preparing for the party. I am in no mood to host guests. This would be true for most party hosts. There is a reason for an arrival date and an arrival time and a departure time. Hosts have carved out this time period to open their doors to guests. Outside of those hours they have another life. Be respectful of yours hosts. Friday nights are very busy preparing for the next day. I have included this here because there is still that temptation to arrive the night before for the big party from a long distance away. Swing parties have grown out of personal friendships. When you have only one or two personal friends, you may want to invite them for the whole weekend. But when you invite 15 or 20 couples, the host can't do it. They are not in the Bed and Breakfast business, nor are they doing this for money. They are just two people wanting to entertain one night only. So please don't ask to come in Friday night. Get a hotel room if you're coming from a distance. The hosts are trying very hard to provide a nice party, but to extend it one day early and one day later, is taking advantage unless they specifically invite you. That should be left up to them.
Mardi Gras beads
I will leave this in here because it's an idea. We used to have four differently colored mardi gras beads hanging on hooks on the wall in the dressing area. They are communication tools. You wore silver beads to signal “I’m selective.” You wore red beads to say, “Don't even bother asking, I’m not ready to party, I'll ask you when I'm ready!” If you wear green beads, it means “Yes! I’m ready. Ask me!.” If you wear purple beads, it means “I am bi." Most people didn't use the beads, but some did. It helps to convey a message. It IS a good way to tell people where you're coming from. Hosts might consider using them.
Intimate Etiquette
1. Say “No, thank you” if someone asks and you don’t want to go
That’s all you need to say. It’s called “The Rule of No” and it is absolute. No excuses need be given. Resist the temptation to give a reason why you are declining. To be polite, you might add, “but thank you for asking” or something equivalent to let the asker know that you appreciate being asked. It is a compliment to be asked to a bedroom. But that is all that is needed. “No, thank you, but thank you for asking.”
2. Accept the “Rule of No”
If you have asked someone and they said, “No, thank you,” accept it with grace and do not ask them again for the rest of the evening, or pursue them in any way. Certainly you can talk to them if they are open to socializing, but adjust your thinking so you don't come across as a stalker. The “Rule of No” is to reduce pressure on those who don’t want to be pressured.
3. If you are infectious on a party night
If you have anything that could be transmitted to another person, be responsible to the group and don’t engage in intimate encounters. You can still attend a party for the social aspects, but decline a sexual encounter. There is no blame or shame.
4. If you have your period
You can still attend a party if you have your period, it might have happened just as you are walking out the door. And you can still play if you want to. If you don't want penetration, just keep your panties on to signal that you are off limits in that department. Some women don’t mind sexual intercourse during their periods, and about 50% of the men don’t mind either. Just tell the man in advance and let him make the final decision. He may take a rain check or he might tell you, “It doesn’t bother me if it doesn’t bother you,” in which case take several towels with you.
5. Female ejaculation
Women, if you tend to ejaculate during sexual intercourse, take a towel or three or four with you to put under you to absorb the liquid. Please be considerate of your hosts' mattress. Be creative and figure out ways to protect it. Ejaculation turns a lot of men on, and it is a wonderful form of release for women. Just think about this ahead of time and prepare for it.
6. On nudity
Nudity is warmly welcome from the time you arrive to the time you depart, with one exception when you go through the food line. Most people keep their clothes on through dinner and then dress down after dinner. It was required to dress down at our house parties into something more casual. Some hosts are nudists and normally wouldn’t think twice about nudity, but other people are not nudists. It is best to be sensitive to those who are new to this lifestyle and nudity. There is a whole set of separate rules for nude behavior at nudist clubs. At a swing party, never go nude out the front door - you're not at a nudist resort. Remember the neighbors.
7. Place towels on furniture if naked
We use nudist rules at swing parties. Always carry a towel with you when you are nude as you walk around so that, when you sit down, you put your towel down first and sit on that. It is the sanitary thing to do. The same rule applies at a lifestyle party. If you are walking around someone’s home naked, carry a towel or wrap to sit on. Some hosts cover their sofas and chairs with towels or sheets during a party for that reason. We never did that. We didn't have to because our guests/members had been well trained to be considerate.
8. Don’t drink too much
While light drinking is acceptable, excessive drinking is not. Intimate behavior and alcohol don’t mix. If you are drinking to calm your nerves, watch out. You can’t tell when drinking starts to affect your behavior. People may start avoiding you. Better be safe than sorry. You’ll have a better time if you don’t drink. Appreciate your nervousness. Being nervous is fun. You’re more keenly aware and alive.
9. Be friendly to all
Sometimes I would see people being unusually timid at our parties when under normal circumstances they are outgoing. Be careful that you don’t become defensive. Reach out to others when you are at a swing party. Not overly so, but in a friendly fashion. Talk about things with them, even sexual things like, how long have you been in the lifestyle? Risk being open and vulnerable. Befriend those around you even though you might not be attractive to them. You are not obligated to go to bed with anyone just because you are being friendly and it gives the other person a chance to size you up. He or she might introduce you to someone with whom you ARE compatible. If anyone tries to take advantage of your friendliness and you’re not in the mood, just say you're not ready yet. This is a friendly lifestyle and social interaction is the larger part of the behavior, even more than sex. The social environment is the warm and pleasant cocoon within which people feel free to play. It is how people create an atmosphere of comfort, trust and freedom - by talking with each other and mixing and mingling in the vertical position (standing up!). As individuals loosen up, then they become more free to make selections as they want to. Don’t let others intimidate you. Extend a friendly hug and then pull back if you feel to. Remember, there is no obligation involved to carry it further but hugs are universal to be thrown around like smiles.
10. Women can help the shy men by choosing THEM
Men have a harder time in social settings than women. They really don’t know who to ask or how to ask, and they are generally less selective (picky) than women. So, women, take the initiative. Seduce a man. You will seldom be turned down. If you are, don’t take it personally. Move on to the next man. Help the men have a good time. They need help. Not only will they remember you forever, they will show their appreciation by giving you a sexually good time. You will end up going home happy.
11. Don’t interrupt couples in the private rooms
Rooms that are designated as private rooms should be respected as private. Don't join them. We had two bedrooms in our house which were private. In one of them we put two mats down on either side of the king-sized bed. The other room had a mat on the floor. This room was permitted to have the door closed. A sign was on the outside that said as such. Any couple (or threesome or foursome) engaged on a bed or mat in these two rooms was off-limit to joining. Don’t even interrupt them to ask, since that is a form of joining. In a multi-party house this can be a major problem. It was the men who did not want interruptions. In general and in many cases it takes a man 30 minutes of lovemaking before he can achieve an erection and get ready to use it. Picture a man ready after 30 minutes of foreplay and ready to penetrate when another man shows up and asks to join in. A big flop resulting in anger and disappointment.
12. Group room etiquette
The group room is a soft-core multi-person room where spontaneity is the rule. But in our house it's for sensitive, loving encounters, not wild, orgiastic action like you see in porn films. It can become that way after an hour of soft, warm action. We have enjoyed that action too. But it always starts out slowly. Any new person should enter gently and go slow with conscious appreciation. Be sensitive to the mood. No loud talking or laughter. Get down on your knees, since this is a mat room and you're trying to blend in. Touch a non-erogenous zone first, like a hand, foot, arm, leg, back, hair. Start stroking gently and see what kind of response you get before going to the hot spots. Never start out by touching the genitals or female breasts. If you are waved away, just find another group to join. Respect and accept the rejection. The chances are you will not be rejected but these are common decency rules of etiquette. This is the non-intrusive way of joining into a group room. Don't disrupt the mood that has already been prepared prior to your entry. Especially no loud talking or laughter. Keep it low and sensual for the sake of the whole atmosphere.
13. No touching of breasts without permission
This is not acceptable in the social area of a house party. It is one of the worse things you can do for your reputation as a man or woman. Men especially, but some women have been guilty of it too. It is considered vulgar and makes a woman feel like a piece of meat. Never fondle a woman’s breasts or genitals in the social area without permission. It's gross. The “without permission” is the important part but asking permission is just as bad because women are there to try to please the men. These rules are especially being articulated so men can please the women. It is in a woman's nature - and I will keep repeating this until it sinks in - is to please a man. This has been abused for centuries. Now it's time for men to change their expectations of what women are there for They are NOT there to please a man. That has been a condition imposed on them through eons of abuse which forced them to obey the male in the community. It's time to change. Don't touch women's breasts and don't ask permission to do so. Women really don’t like it unless they are aroused and that doesn't happen by nibbling them. In fact, nibbling a nipple usually turns them off. Learn the fine art of arousing a women in the more appropriate way first, subtly, with a warm hug, a gentle kiss and move slowly. Allow your presence (your aura, your vibrations) to sink in slowly and be felt by her gently. That will warm her up. The connection is the warming-up way to do it. Her connection, not yours. If you go to the “hot spots” prematurely before she is ready she may turn off and your reputation ruined for the next time. If she didn't like what you did (has nothing to do with you as a person) she won't want to be with you again. Likewise, it is disrespectful for women to touch a man’s genitals without permission. Flirting is expected - that’s the seduction part of it and people like that - but reserve the sexually overt touches for the bedroom after you have received the "green light". Everything done at a swing party must be by consensual agreement. This has been the hardest part for men to understand, for men seem to think that all women at a swing party is there to have sex. This is not true as you will come to learn over time. Learn this first before anything else.
14. Is the pool OK for sexual activity?
This is up to the hosts. They will tell you. Some pools are more open to neighbors seeing through cracks. Other pools that are completely closed in are usually free zones for sexual activity. Our house was a free zone. We always kept a bottle of WET near the pool for penetration. It's a special oil which can be applied under water without washing away. Use it as a lubricant. Usually hosts will raise the temperature of their pool for a party. Ours was around 93 F in the summer time, but since we had an old house and system we couldn't quite reach that temperature during the cold winter months, even with the heat pump.
15. Walk softly and whisper in the bedrooms
To preserve the quiet mood and sensuality of the sensual activity in the bedrooms.
16. Don’t hog bed space
Bed space is at a premium in a private party. People don't usually have more than three or four bedrooms. Sometimes hosts will put mats on the floor to supplement the beds. But there are always more couples than beds at a party. A general rule of thumb, but not exact, is an hour. You can certainly go over an hour if that is how it's working out for you, but after you have finished with the sexual part of your togetherness, remember that others may be waiting for a bed. This is just a reminder. Don't rush yourselves. Enjoy the time together.
17. Party any time
We used to tell people, You can use the upstairs bedrooms any time you are here, day or night, as long as you have consent from your significant others. You do not have to wait for party time. Our agenda was never intended to restrict people but to help build a group dynamic. Group dynamics are funny. If the party is spaced over 24 hours you don't get the same kind of dynamic as when the party is spaced over 5 hours. But if the mood strikes, we say, "Go for it!" as long as the primary partners are informed and permission granted. An interesting observation we made at our parties was, whenever a couple arrived late, past 9 pm (with permission), they didn't have as good a time as the others. They missed out on the dynamics and the connection time.
18. Please RSVP to parties early
Party hosts want to know who is coming to their party. So please respond as early as you can. The earlier the better because a good party is built by the excitement of the hosts. The psychological attitude of the hosts is what makes a party work. They are excited. They will put their best efforts into the party. It is a fact that if the hosts do not have many responses their attitudes start to slump. We don't want that to happen. The hosts are the ones who are energizing the party. So RSVP as early as possible, and if there is a chance you might be called away by an emergency that night, maybe a daughter is ready to give birth or a mother is on the critical list at the hospital, you can always cancel. Private party hosts are very difficult to find. Appreciate them and give them the respect they deserve. They are giving from their hearts.
19. Dress-down time is generally after dinner
A new couple attending their first party may not know what is expected of them, dress-wise. Generally speaking, you keep you street clothes on until after dinner. That's just a general rule, though. You might be at a party where people are dressing down before dinner. Or maybe there is no dinner per se. Then, best to fit in with the other folks and dress down as you see others doing it. This is like the subtle shift in consciousness from street clothes and straight thinking, to sexual party. You shed the street persona and shift into intimacy and availability. You are now ready to join the sexual fun so you want to put on something more comfortable. Women enjoy dressing "up" for dress-down time. It’s the feminine thing to do, to make themselves more glamorous and sexy for the men. It gives her permission to flirt. It helps to put her into the mood. Some gals will bring two or three changes for the evening, lingerie, gowns or t-shirts to match her changing moods. The men look to the women to lead them and pave the way. And these days men are starting to get into it better too, with more sexy clothing. There are more sexy things in the stores for men then ever before. I've seen bare-chested men with sexy harem pants flaring out to tie at the ankles. Wrap-around island-type sarongs look good on a man with a hairy chest. And see-through shorts.
20. Introduction circle after dinner
Most party hosts do not do this but I am recommending it. I have been to private parties where this didn't happen, nor was I shown around the house and did not know where the bedrooms where or bathrooms or anything. I ran in strangers naked in the hall and it was a total turn off to me. And I've been around parties and hosted parties for years. This would be a great way for party hosts to start their parties off right. You do it this way. Right after dinner have everyone dress down and gather in the living room just for five or ten minutes. Give a little welcome, and introductions. This helps people to see faces and know who is here. It is the first step in exchanging energies of trust. "We're all part of the same sexual party." At the very least. Then from there everyone's ability to connect is enhanced a thousand fold. Can you imagine running into a naked stranger in your own home? That's what it felt like to me. This produces a more harmonious party, made sweeter by trust. People can trust each other better when they see who is at the party before the party starts. Commercial clubs are known for their anonymity. Private parties are known for their friendliness, so let's make them friendly. More trust means more relaxation and more reaching out.
21. Don’t go to your car once the party starts
The reason for this rule is because of the suspicion that, when you are in the middle of a party and you have to go to your car, you're probably taking drugs or smoking pot. We don’t use drugs in this lifestyle, at least not at parties. What people do in their own home is not our concern. In most groups this is a hard, fast rule: you never go to your car after you arrive. If you have another more legitimate reason for going to your car, tell your host and one or two others that you left your cosmetic bag or whatever in the car and you have to go get it. And then show it to someone when you come back in. There still may be a shadow laid upon you. Better not to even do that. It's just one of those lifestyle etiquettes.
22. Arrive together and leave together
Arrive at the party as a couple and leave as a couple unless special arrangements have been made with the hosts. Sometimes there is an occasion where the women arrives in her own car because her husband is arriving from out of town. In that case, inform them. There is a certain sensitivity in this lifestyle to seeing a man without his wife, or vice verse. People have been programmed to be polite and not ask, but they'll ask another person, "Where's John's wife?" The code of etiquette in this lifestyle is honesty and forthrightness. Don't rely on the old separatist view of "It's none of your business." That is counter to what we are trying to build in this unusual network: Trust, openness, friendship.
23. Select singles
Sometimes two people are separated through divorce or death. It is rare but on occasion you will see a single man or woman at a private house party for couples. We did not include singles at our couples parties we knew them from formerly being part of a couple, now alone. The idea of including friends after death of a loved one is compassionate and long-time friends will try to include them. But it is tricky. And the single person feels it. That is why Anakosha desires to start up a polyamory division as a lifestyle group for singles.
24. Massage during house party
Ask before joining in with a massage that is already underway. Sometimes a massage is a private thing leading up to a date afterwards and interference would not be wanted. But often it is just a fun thing to do. People like to touch and be touched in our lifestyle. If there is a group massage going on, just ask if you can join before jumping in. Even if two of the people have explicit intentions, they will simply leave the group and go off together. Massage at a lifestyle party is a wonderful foreplay for a woman. It will warm her up and melt her down so she is ready for more arduous love play. For a man to be massaged is a different story. He will become so relaxed that he starts to worry he can't get an erection. But men, don't worry! It will come back once you are holding and kissing. It won't take long. If you are worried, give a women a massage instead. It is a great way to get to know a woman. Best not to assume that she will have sex with you after, though. Play it casual and be non-committal. Consider massage as a way for her to get to know your touch. She is evaluating you and reading you. Don't be too pushy or aggressive. And don't be sexual on the massage table. Keep it casual. If a woman offers a massage to a man, she should be aware that he will probably want to have sex afterwards. If she doesn’t want that, she should tell him before the massage gets under way. Talk about it to clear the air and prevent mixed signals.
25. New couple orientations
The Anakosha YIN workshop is an excellent entry orientation to the lifestyle. We used to give two-hour orientations but we decided that wasn't enough preparation time and stopped doing them. Please consider attending the YIN workshop. It is an all-day workshop but has significant influence in preparing a new couple.
26. How to dress
We covered this above, but here it is again: dress code is clean, attractive and casual upon arrival, but not pretentious. Later there is a dress-down time so bring sexy clothes to change into, or a robe or negligee or other bedroom garment or wrap-around. We suggest keeping jewelry to a minimum and bring a personal bag with you for changes and toiletry articles. Every party house is different as to where you can put your personal items and clothing. So bring a bag big enough to carry all you need for the evening. Then you can park it anywhere.
27. Hygiene and cleanliness
Everyone likes a sweet-smelling bed partner. It is a good idea to pay attention to cleanliness and shower often. Wash off after one encounter before going to the next one. Have short smooth fingernails (no hang nails that scratch) and clean, combed or brushed hair. In general, a well-groomed body makes for a desirable and pleasant partner in the bedroom. People in this lifestyle are very conscious of body odors and they do complain about them. Shower often. Use mouthwash. Oral odor can be overwhelming. Women should douche with just plain water earlier in the day to give plenty of time for natural juices to come back. Brush teeth often, wash beards and mustaches, pubic area, finger nails. Use shampoo and soap a lot. Men should shave a couple hours ahead of a party so they don't have stubble to scratch sensitive skin. Women, if you shave the pubic area, shave just ahead of the party so it won't irritate your partner. I saw a man the morning after with a bright red rash on his face. Turned out he gave oral sex to a woman with a stubble the night before. See our Hygiene Hints for more thoughts on the subject.
28. Exchanging phone numbers
A party is a good place to meet new friends for a private date later. This is an excellent screening process. You know that everyone here is interested in sexual sharing or swapping, even though they may not have had their first encounter yet. Have social cards made up with your names, telephone numbers and e-mail addresses to give out to the couple you are interested in. But - clear it with your primary mate first. There is a tradition in the swapping of telephone numbers. Make sure your husband likes the woman, and make sure your wife likes the man before you give your contact information out. Then, consider them on the other side of the fence. Is the wife interested in you, the man? And is the husband interested in you, the wife? If you want to invite that couple to contact you, give your social card to them but don't ask them for theirs, to give them time to discuss it in private. It's a joint decision. They may seem super friendly at a party, but the spouse may be privately turned off. Maybe they don’t want you calling them. Also, be careful who you give your contact info to. They may bug you to death and your wife is not interested. But if you have decided it's OK, just hand them your card and say, “We’d love to get together with you. Give us a call some time,” and then walk away. Don’t put pressure on. If someone asks you for your telephone number say, “I’ll have to check with my wife (or husband) first.” E-mail addresses are somewhat different since they are not so invasive.
29. If you get emotional at a party
Sooner or later we all have an emotional mood surface at a party. Sex with others is healthy. It shifts things around and sometimes exposes a long forgotten emotion. Maybe it is from an abused past, maybe a jealousy, or an insecurity, or a low self esteem. Maybe something totally unknown and untraceable. But it hits you like, WHAM! And you’re caught frozen on the verge of tears, anger or depression. If such a thing happens, find your mate and say something like, “I need to talk to you alone, right now.” Stress the right now but stay cool if you can and deliver the message as calmly as you can. Sometimes one's whole body shakes under an emotional release and you can’t help it. It’s OK. Just ask for help. Ask for support. If your mate is busy, ask another warm-hearted person. On the other hand, if you are interrupted by your mate with such a message, stop immediately what you are doing. Excuse yourself, and go with your mate. Emotional attacks are not logical. They can't be put off. Learn to read signals and act on them immediately. Emotions are highly charged and should be treated as an emergency. The nerves need calming. Give tender loving care. If your mate is not available to love you through a difficult moment, or perhaps is the cause of the difficult moment, seek someone you can trust. Strangers are often the best helpers in emergencies. Or go to the hosts. Anyone to whom you are instinctively drawn, will put an arm around you. You need someone to lean on. Please don't run out the door and down the driveway! This is a support group. Ask for support. Emotional releases are rare but they can happen, especially after sex which can jar things around. And, by the way, emotional releases are tremendous opportunities for personal growth. You will feel better after. This is why I call parties "workshops".
30. If you don’t like the party
If you don’t like the way the party is going, talk to your mate and leave quietly. Don’t speak negatively to others. If you do, you risk being categorized as a complainer and a downer. People shy away from complainers and downers. If there is a specific problem, talk to the hosts about it.
31. Hints for men
More than 50% of women do not reach orgasm through penetration and often do not feel as sexy as they pretend. Sometimes you meet a woman who plays the role of sex object for men, thinking that that is what is required of them. A large number of women have been conditioned to give the man what he wants without feeling aroused herself. A man can give a new female lover a pleasant first time by giving her loving affection and caressing foreplay. She may not get that at home. She will relax better and be more giving if he goes slow and doesn't rush it. Take the time to wait for her to become aroused. There is one method of foreplay that is a safe bet for any gal. If you give her a good 5 or 15 minute massage, including scalp, face, feet, legs, arms and hands, and ending with a back rub and tender kisses on the neck and ears, and then soft, fluttery wet kisses around the labia, she’ll probably melt. You can bet her husband doesn’t do that for her, or any other man either. You can also take some lotion in your hands, warm it up and use lots of it on her labia, gently stroking all around the lips, up and down and around but without penetrating inside (it’s called a yoni massage), just the outside, no penetration, and don’t hurry. It’s a uniquely feminine need to be nurtured and stroked outside without penetration. They are so used to being poked all the time, which is rough, that a melting nurturing outside-only massage will be different for her. Take lots of time. It is a wonderful turn on. When her hips begin to move and the groaning begins, continue doing this for another five minutes to give her time to really get her juices flowing. Don't pay any attention to her sounds of resistance.
32. Hints for women
Erection problems are common no matter what age. Failure is not limited to older men. It happens to men in their 30's too. Many men are overly sensitive about being able to perform with a new lover. He may be perfectly capable at home with his wife or girlfriend but suddenly he can’t achieve an erection at the party. He is under pressure. He thinks that his erection is the most important thing in this encounter, not realizing that women feel the same way. A woman can’t be aroused on command either. It takes mutual appreciation to make good sex happen with a strange new person. Women can make it easy on a man by not expecting an erection, and by not saying something derogatory and unfeeling. Redirect his attention to YOU and show him what he can do to pleasure you. Sometimes in his giving he will forget himself and lo! there he is. Or if a woman gives a flaccid organ some sensitive attention around it, under it, on the stomach and thighs, with massage lotion, not rushing it, but slow and easy, he will begin to relax and find it is working again. Give the body the message through touch that you are in no hurry and they will eventually relax enough to allow blood to pump into the organ to stiffen it. Allow his body to go at its own pace. He is not really the macho male you think he is, and that he thinks he is supposed to be. He is vulnerable, too, like you, and easily hurt by female comments, no matter how gruff his outer exterior. A nice technique to use on a man is to put some lotion in your hands to warm it up first, then massage the penis gently up and down and under the scrotum softly, gently, not hard, and up onto the stomach, and down around the rim of the head. By going slow and massaging all over instead of in one spot, keeping your hands moist and applying more lotion whenever it gets dry, and thinking loving thoughts, will do the trick. And not hurrying and not being too rough, but just loving this man gently and loving him long will allow a man to relax and stop trying so hard. Then arousal can happen.
33. Discretion and privacy
People in the lifestyle don’t want others to know. The general rule of thumb is (a) Don’t tell others what happens at a party or encounter unless you already know they belong to the group. But don’t assume. Know in fact. (b) Don’t give out another couple’s telephone number or address to a third party. (c) You can offer your telephone number or address to someone, but don’t ask for theirs. It puts them in an awkward position. (d) Don’t call the mate of another couple privately for love talk or arrange for a private (cheating) date. That’s a real no-no. Call them as a couple and talk to either one who answers. (e) Don’t keep calling a couple if they are not returning your phone calls. After three attempts you can safely assume they do not want to talk to you. Take a hint. (f) Don’t leave sexually overt messages on answering machines where children or parents can hear, and don’t talk party talk over the telephone unless you first ask, “Are you free to talk? Do you want to call me back?” Often family members are within ear shot. Make sure you are talking to the right “Don” or “Betty” and not a daughter or son. Many couples have children and in-laws living with them with same names. (g) Don't give your street address out. (h) And, no matter how tempted you are to tell your family about the lifestyle because it’s sooooo exciting, take it from me and those who’ve been there: DON’T! The elation will pass and you will be back to normal in a few hours and regret any revelations you might have made. So curb that desire. Keep your sex life secret. They really won’t understand and they could cause problems in the family.
34. Don’t climb in bed with a sleeping person
Maybe most people in this lifestyle wouldn’t mind, but we’ve seen this turn into trauma and shock. Always remember that people are sensitive under the skin. You shouldn’t climb into bed with a sleeping person and try to snuggle or have sex with that person, even if they invited you the night before. Sexual sharing is happy when it is between conscious and willing consenting adults with full permission from primary partners. In other words, what we do at swing parties is prearranged. If one is sleeping, one is not conscious, and it's not prearranged. It then turns into a violation and can have disastrous after effects. I have turned off to men forever who have done this to me.
35. Jealousy attacks
Jealousy hits everyone, it is not new. The times when it hits the most is when there is an insecurity going on already. Maybe a man is suffering rejection and not getting enough sexual encounters at a party while his wife is having a grand time with many people. Jealousy attack. Or maybe a woman doesn't get enough emotional connection with her husband at home (very common) and she now sees her husband spending excessive time with a gal at a party. Jealousy attack. There are a thousand scenarios that could crop up to cause feelings of jealousy. The best advice we can give is be sensitive to your mate and provide emotional comfort when he or she comes to you needing a hug. A good indication is when she or he says, “I need you”. Stop what you’re doing and give full and loving attention to your mate. Your relationship comes first. Go out of your way to make sure they get emotional hugs and kisses and reassurances. Check in with them often. Make it first on your priority list at a party to go to your mate and say, "I love you, honey. Have fun. If you need me, come find me." And you can’t go wrong. You always have each other for support. You can always go back later and resume your activities with a lifestyle friend. Jealousy attacks need your full attention. Remember: you probably can't be in this lifestyle without your mate. It will be difficult.
36. Don’t make dates with another man’s wife
It is called “cheating” and it can happen inside of a swing party. In the lifestyle one does not cheat, it's a no-no. But one can date the same person at parties. It's called infatuation and it can draw you into an emotional entanglement without realizing it, and it threatens the primary relationship. A true case scenario happened with me. I as a woman really enjoyed this particular man. I looked forward to seeing him at the parties and he reciprocated the feeling. We were drawn to each other over and above the other people. We were compatible. My husband told me he was uncomfortable with me going with this man every time at every party but I didn't want to listen to him. I assured him that there was nothing to worry about, that I just liked him. In my mind it was liberating and fun for me to be with him. My husband told me at the next party again, that he was uncomfortable about it, and added that other people were noticing too and beginning to talk. (Which is true, people talk.) But it took a third time from my husband to get me to stop going with this man at the parties. At first I felt deprived. I was sad. Dejected. All kinds of emotions surfaced over it. I told the gentleman that I could not go with him any more because it was causing problems. From hindsight, looking back on it, it could easily have turned into a "falling in love" thing, but as it was it was just a silly infatuation - the kind that teenagers have for their first love affair. My husband pulled me away before it got too deeply involved. Just be aware that it can happen. Emotions can become entangled if you go repeatedly over and over again with the same person. The value of our lifestyle is variety. We keep it light by changing partners. That way we don't have a chance to become emotionally involved with any one person. Your wife or husband will be the first to notice. Our suggestion is to put your relationship first. Oblige them when they feel threatened and stop seeing that person.
37. Don’t make dates without permission
This is a continuation of No. 36 above. Don’t make dates in the lifestyle outside of the agreed-upon parameters between your wife/husband and you. These parameters should be explicit to help you remember them. It is easy to get caught up in the flow of fun-loving people at a party and forget. An example of a man forgetting his agreement happened at one of our parties. Sunday morning after the party several others continued to have encounters and he joined in. His wife became very upset. She thought the party was over and he did not go to her to discuss it or ask her permission, which would have set new paramters. Instead, he went upstairs with another woman without clearing it with her. It caused problems. When she realized it she became very angry and stormed out of the house and drove away, leaving his bag behind. (Yes, she came back later.) The point is, jealousy does not come about from mutual agreements to have sex with others. Jealousy happens when one strays over the line. It happens when one breaks the hard-lined, agreed-upon, time and place. Then it becomes a betrayal of a promise. The solution is to clear everything first with your mate. Keep checking in to see if "is it OK?" or "Are you OK with this?" And listen to the truthful answer. It might not be OK. If it's not, honor that even if it makes you sad. Decline respectfully. Don’t take your primary mate for granted. Honor your relationship. It is sacred. This lifestyle works when people remember the rules.
38. Go as slow as the slowest person among you
Support your primary mate. Connect with your mate often during a lifestyle party. If you party separately, spend quality time between encounters hugging, holding, and kissing your primary partner, with eyes only for him or her. Keep your emotional bond intact. Your relationship comes first. Everyone else comes second. The largest single cause of problems between couples in this intimacy game of sharing is when one partner goes faster than the other, picks up speed and leaves his partner in the dust. It is important to remember a sensitive, shy and vulnerable mate. Your relationship always comes first. A word of caution. Never say, “Don’t be jealous!” That's a stupid statement because jealousy isn't something you can control. It's an emotional attack. If you find yourself saying it, it’s already too late. Jealousy is already brewing. Stop immediately and focus on rebuilding your emotional connection with your life mate. Make eye contact often, blow kisses from doorways, say “I love you” as you pass, and whisper sweet nothings. Keep supporting your relationship. Be encouraging, positive and excited about your relationship and the fun you are having TOGETHER. Keep your love bond quivering between you even as you go off with another sex partner and be anxious to return and tell them all about it. This activity should enhance the primary relationship, not undermine it. Tell your mate later everything that happened and show interest in what they did that night. Ask them for details. Show them you are interested. It helps to talk about the details to clear away any lingering doubts, suspicions or obsessions that may have developed with another person. And tell them, “It wasn’t nearly as wonderful as it is with you. You are still the best!” And that's true because you have built layers into your relationship that the others do not have with you.
39. Find out if separate or together
Many long-time experienced couples party separately at parties. They find it more fulfilling to connect with someone they like for themselves alone, rather than look for just the right matching couple. Others, especially those who are more newly involved in the lifestyle, prefer to stay together because they like to watch each other and share the experience. There is no right or wrong, but these two couples just mentioned would be incompatible. At a party ask a potential partner up front, “How do you party? Together or separate?” Gain an understanding of how they operate. People expect to be asked that. If they say “together” and your mate isn’t available, ask if you can find someone else to join as a foursome.
40. Developing social graces
Being able to move in and out of sexual groups socially will definitely help you in this lifestyle. Some key problem areas we’ve seen can be corrected if you know about them. If you feel people are moving away from you, you may be literally “pushing” them away by either talking too much or too loud, or shutting them out by turning inward and sitting in silence and sending off clouds of doubt and darkness because nobody is talking to you. Lighten up! One way to lighten up is to move around physically instead of sitting in one spot and letting your bad feelings thicken in a cloud around you. Move through the house. Try talking to different people. Reach out. Try different methods of approach. It's easier for women to do this but men are afraid of making wrong moves. A man could say to a gal, “Can I have a hug? I don’t want anything else, just a hug!” and put her at ease. Or he could ask if they’d like a noncommittal massage (be sure to stress “noncommital”). Or he could ask a serious question like, "Could I ask you something?" (Pause for an answer) "Do you REALLY like these types of parties?" Or something equally profound to get them thinking. It will show that you have a philosophical interest. If you are shy you have to work at this but it can be rather fun to tackle "approach" as a challenge.
41. Bisexuality
Female bisexuality is acceptable at parties traditionally, but male bisexual behavior is less acceptable and not done openly due to the fear of AIDS. This list was written in 1987 and today in 2011 there is still a level of fear of both AIDS and homophobia in the lifestyle. Before the era of AIDS we saw more men being orally bi with each other and not afraid to be intimate male to male, while in threesomes with women. Now that the AIDS epidemic is over, the fear still lingers. We feel that men deserve the right to be bisexual as much as women but we caution men to keep it more private than you would otherwise. Just to protect your reputation. A swing party is not the place to take a stand and come out of the closet. We encourage the exploration of intimacy when it is appropriate and circumstances allow it. But we don’t recommend putting your reputation on the line in front of people who would disapprove. People worry when they see a man being orally bi, thinking that he must be anally bi, too, which is how AIDS was believed to have spread in the first place. Whether true or not, what people believe makes it true for them.
42. Anal sex
We recommend that you not practice anal sex with strangers. Due to the stretching of skin and resultant lesions that occur because it is not built to stretch like the vagina is. Any disease present in the sperm can be passed directly into the blood stream of the receiver.
43. Privacy Agreement:
Don’t tell anybody about who, what and where. Remember that you signed a privacy agreement. Enjoy this lifestyle with discretion. Violations are when a disgruntled person wants to retaliate. They become hurt or angry with someone, probably their spouse. Violations also occur when someone wants to sell a titillating story about a party, like a news journalist or reporter. Or it could be a politician who wants to earn credit for exposing a sex club and he or she puts undercover detectives into a club. Or it could be a person who wants to show off to friends what s/he does on weekends. Be cautious about who you tell about these activities, and never tell a name. You can tell about the lifestyle in general. That doesn't hurt anyone. What hurts is when you tell names, places, street addresses and other pertinent information to non-lifestyle people. It could be a policeman you are telling, who is probing you for information, and operating under cover. Train yourself to think, “If this person is an undercover agent, am I telling him (or her) anything damaging?" To think this way is not paranoid. I know people whose lives have been damaged because important people in their life found out about it. Children have been taken away from parents, and families disrupted by would-be "do-gooders". Lifestyle clubs are still being closed by authorities. In our exuberance we forget that this is not an acceptable part of the culture, and there are those who would persecute us if they could. For your own protection and that of your friends, always be aware of what you are revealing.
44. Sleep with your own partner, not someone else’s
This is not a hard fast rule, it is a guideline. Some couples have been swinging for so long they have become masters of their relationship (they know how to maneuver it) and they can do this without problems. But if you are going to sleep all night in a swapping situation, be aware that body vibrations shift and latch onto the body next to them. Scientists call it “entraining”. Remaining in close contact for long periods of time, like eight hours of sleeping together, can form intimacy attachments on a subconscious level. A total swap for two or three days has been known to result in “falling in love” without the participants realizing it until it is too late. A word to the wise is sufficient. In addition, one part of the couple is probably not comfortable with the arrangement to begin with, but is just going along with it to keep the peace. These kinds of things come back to haunt later.
45. Falling in love
Falling in love can be prevented through knowing how it works. This is a wakeup call. At this writing (1967), we can count four instances in the last year where someone fell in love with someone else in the lifestyle that we know personally. In each case, the love was not reciprocated. In each case it was one-sided. All happened because of repeating encounters. Out of normal lifestyle affection, it just snuck up on them. Three of them were women who “fell in love” with a man, one was a man who “fell in love” with a woman. In each case the couple had to sit down and talk about it and then take a step back to reconsider whether or not to continue in this activity. You don’t have to go so far as to quit the lifestyle. Falling in love is sort of like catching the flu. You just have to stay away from the source of infection until the fever subsides. It’s biochemical and it will dissolve over time if contact is withdrawn from the person in question. Continue to have sex with others to keep your sexual energy moving. You wouldn’t want to close down after having come so far in your journey into freedom. By continuing to have sex with others you unlatch from the one who became so all-important. There is nothing shameful about falling in love. What we are advising is there is such a thing as choice involved in continuing with it. Infatuation is one of the risks of the lifestyle. New couples are apt to fall into this but listen to us old-timers. Know the symptoms to watch for. Warning signs: if you find yourself too eager to go with a particular person, and you're disappointed and depressed if they don’t show up or turn you down for someone else. That's a sign that you falling into infatuation. Use your free will choice and cut them off for now. Go with someone else. Don’t go too often with the same person, over and over again. It’s a sign of becoming “hooked” on someone. And listen to your life mate. He or she will probably say something. Here is an important fact: Lifestyle behavior transcends lower attachment emotions. Lifestyle interacts at a higher level.
46. Listen to your primary mate’s warnings
Your relationship comes first and your primary mate is your best friend. If he or she tells you they are uncomfortable with you going to bed with a certain person, listen to them. They may be seeing a brewing attachment which you can’t see in your heady involvement with a new relationship. Step back a minute and listen. They have a more objective view than you do. They can also feel the undermining of your primary relationship. Even if they are talking out of insecurity and jealousy, still listen to them. They are giving you some warning signs that they are feeling a disconnection. Sit down and talk. Redefine your parameters at lifestyle parties. Say, “OK. I want to work with you so you are more comfortable. You are the most important person in my life. But what would make you more comfortable? Would it help if we only partied together for a little while? Would it help if you had final say over who I went with?” Keep asking questions to ascertain what would work for them. You may reach a conclusion that your primary mate simply does not want to participate any more, but chances are you will find a way to compromise. Remember, the lifestyle works because the primary relationship always comes first.
47. Condoms
Sorry this is so far down on the list, I overlooked it. It is of primary importance to many people but it never was for me personally. When I started swinging it was before the age of AIDS and most couples did not use condoms. Today you will find that older people tend not to require condoms as much as younger people do. It is highly individual. We used to provide condoms at our parties, but it is customary to bring your own. You know better what type you like. You might have a favorite brand. If you require condoms, however, be sure to ask your potential bedmate if they are OK with condoms. It is considered polite to discuss this requirement before going to a bedroom. Don't wait until you are prone to spring it on them. Some people refuse to use comdoms so give them the opportunity to decline BEFORE you are in a bedroom. Ask or tell up front your position on condoms.
48. Open or closed doors?
This depends on the hosts and how their house is laid out. They will inform you. A group room usually has an open door policy, but it may have a curtain hanging over it to cut down the light. In all rooms enter quietly and carefully. Most rooms will be darkened with subtle lighting. If a host couple allows a closed door at their party, they will probably have a sign on it indicating such, but certainly they will not permit locked doors. That goes against the flow of the party.
49. More on group room activity
Groups rooms are fun if you know how to maneuver in them. The two of you might go in together and start out caressing each other. Then allow others to join you or you join others. You can say No in here by simply removing an unwanted hand, or shaking your head non-verbally. Don’t stand at the doorway and watch, but if you can get away with peeking go ahead. One man used to hide in a closet and peek through the slats. On entering the group room, get down on your knees to be at the same level as the others, so your presence doesn’t loom over people and cause them to be uncomfortable. Please don’t probe intimate places without first connecting with a person’s face and eyes first, so they know who is touching them and can accept or reject as they want.
50. A trick to helping a woman to orgasm
The Hitachi Magic Wand has a round rubber head that vibrates at two speeds. It is very strong. It does not go inside a woman but is used outside on the clitoris. A man may also enjoy it beneath the testicles. A hint to help a woman to orgasm: have the lover insert one or two fingers inside and rub the G-spot (point toward the stomach) while the woman holds the vibrator herself on the clitoris outside. She knows better exactly where to put it to connect with the G-spot inside, which is the root of the clitoris. The clitoris and G-spot are connected and it almost never fails to spark an orgasm. Keep everything moist; don't let it dry out. Moisture seems to be an important part of making the connection.
51. Want to entertain? We will help!
If you would like to host a party in your house and invite people from our party list, we will help you. If you only want a small party, we can help you get the word out to certain people if you want us to, but it is always your selection of guests. We are here to facilitate. Plan to invite three times as many couples as you really want, because not everyone will accept. If you want 5 couples at your party, invite 15 and rest assured that you will only get 5 or 4 or 6 acceptances. But you can't be sure, so stretch yourself to include the unknown. It's all about stretching and adapting to the new and untried. Include more love in your life by loving the people who come to your party. It will bring wonderful personal growth rewards.
52. Staying together as a couple
New couples often prefer to stay together, at least initially. But if they stick too close at a party they may not be connecting at all. They may be sending signals to "stay away" because they're sitting too close together. People may think they don't want to party, but it's only shyness and/or fear. Try separating for a little while during the social time of the party to show the group you are capable of standing alone. Go out and circulate and chat with people for five or ten minutes and then come back together and compare notes. Also, be aware that certain seating arrangements can lock you down into a comfort zone. Round tables tend to lock people in and they are frozen in place for the night. Force yourself to get up and move around individually. Swing parties are always in motion. People are all seeking new connections. Be among them. It is a friendly place. Introduce yourself, each of you go in different directions. Talk about yourself and tell about your significant other who is "somewhere around here". Sit down for a while and then get up and move around again. Change the energy. It's stimulating. Keep it refreshed. It’s all about energy. And don't get too comfortable. Move around and make contact with others, a touch here, a hug there, telling about your mate and that you are new and you want to stay together. Soon you will start attracting some invitations.
53. Women, you can ask men to party
It's true that women generally wait for the men to ask them. But women, you should know that the lifestyle is powered by women. I have watched over the years and it is women who start the action going. So try something new and different and risk asking a man to the bedroom. They will love you for it. You will find yourself becoming bolder and bolder as you do this. Your sexual confidence will return and you will lighten up and start glowing. Don’t just sit and wait for a man to ask you. Men have learned not to push at parties and sometimes a party falters because they are so afraid to approach a woman. You might try a visualization technique: silently open your heart and imagine warm liquid love shining like a sun from your heart out like a radiation. Picture yourself like a glowing light bulb and see what happens as you continue moving around, radiating this warm liquid love light. Go to the group room for 15 minutes and glow there. Go to the hot tub for 15 minutes and glow there. Then the living room, kitchen, table. Keep glowing and when a man comes toward you, obviously attracted by your glow, then you ask HIM. See what happens.
54. Police and the lifestyle
Our in-house lawyer says, if someone of authority, whether a policeman or someone from county or state government, asks you questions pertaining to Anakosha or the lifestyle or any swing party or event, you are not required to answer. Repeat: you are not required to answer. Government agents often intimidate people into talking when they are not required to answer. If you have signed an Anakosha privacy agreement, tell them, "I'm required by law not to reveal this information. I signed a privacy agreement." This would not apply if a judge requires you to answer, but you can ask the judge not to make you answer except for questions directly, legally relevant to the matter before the court. If you get anywhere close to being required to testify in court and private information appears likely to come up, consult an attorney.