Anakosha
Integrating sex and spirituality
The divine feminine
Understanding female sensuality
by Diana of Anakosha
Yesterday I was talking to a man who was concerned because his wife of senior age doesn't show any interest in sex. I have heard this many times over the years, and not just seniors. It happens among young couples too. This man wanted to know if there was something wrong with her. He was genuinely concerned. He didn't understand. I tried to explain the feminine side of things, as a women. We talked for over an hour and he was very appreciative for the insight.
For many years I have scratched my head and pondered how best to explain to men what women want in the bedroom. It has been difficult to get the point across. There are many books on the subject but it is still a mystery to men. I have heard men say, "What do women want?" "Why don't you tell me? We're not mind-readers!"
To look at women's sexuality we have to go to a higher consciousness. Higher consciousness becomes more refined the higher you go. Now, you may not know what that means, but I am going to try to explain it. A woman's consciousness spans several dimensions, or planes of awareness. She is aware of more than men are. She is a heart creature; men are mind creatures. Women are internal; men are external. Women are more attuned to spiritual things than men. Women are the proponents of New Age material and understand the chakras, auras, massage, meditation and that sort of stuff, where men say, "Huh?" It's innate and natural for them because it is their energy. Women can relate. It is home to them. It is catnip to them. They purr. They are happy there.
Women are beings of harmony which can ONLY be found on higher dimensions. Men seem to thrive on disharmony for some reason I don't understand. Men ridicule the soft music, candle light, flowers and incense and long lingering seduction scenes. But this is what turns women on to their feelings, their emotions, their sensuality. It would behoove men to pay more attention if - IF - a man wants to truly give something to his lady. She'll do it your way, especially if she's been programmed for 20 or 30 years to do it your way, but she's not getting what she REALLY wants deep down where she feels things in the spaces between the atoms of her cellular structure.
This type of scene should not to be dismissed as silly or too time-consuming. Make time. It's important. To a woman, this is as essential to her as food or sex is to a man. The difference in sexual approach between men and women is huge. And both sexes keep it that way with crude jokes about dumb blondes and old men who are clueless. The division between the sexes has been exaggerated out of proportion and locked in place, but it's wearing us out. Isn't it time to heal the division? What men want is right for them and women have respected that. But what women want is right and good for them, but men have not respected that, globally speaking.
Only the sincere male is permitted beyond this point who genuinely wants to learn what makes a woman tick, because so many men are not interested. The division between men and women is too hurtful and they don't want to go there. But really, isn't it time to understand women? What woman REALLY want and need? The male side of life has been dominating the world from long before we were born, and mothers have played the submissive role to men since forever, it seems. Torture in the middle ages, etc. But let's not go there. It's time to support women.
I have been accused of being a feminist (lovingly of course) and I WAS in the past. But I am pretty balanced today. My perspective has grown quite large and most of that has been gained through the swinging lifestyle. I have been studying human sexuality within the couples scene for over the years. And I have heard men say repeatedly: "Why don't women say what they want?" Men are frustrated because women don't give them concrete answers. The men don't realize that they are demanding male answers, answers that a man wants to hear. They are not listening. Women have been talking all along. "Where's the spot? Is this the spot?" And all along the woman's body is speaking to him through movement and energy. Men ask women to articulate in spoken words and women are way ahead of them, answering in feminine language. She speaks the language of body talk - seductive, rejecting, hesitant, demure, lusty. A woman is not designed to be concrete. That's the man's role. She is designed to hold the center for the men, and in order to do this she has to be internal. She is connected to the whole picture. She is everywhere scanning. I think men would understand if he stops to think about it, because he has the feminine in him too. We are both yin and yang. Women's sexuality is not a "spot"; it is her whole body. Turn on her whole body and the spot is included in it. But if you try to turn on the spot first, she hasn't got it yet.
When it comes to sex, a woman is not like a man. She is not in the genitals. She does not experience the world the way a man does, objectively with objects spaced around him. A man is designed to interact with the outer world and other people while she is designed to hold the center and pick up the pieces after the man is done. I put some tools away just this morning after something my husband did. A woman unifies and harmonizes arguments. Men don't understand that this is a divine role she is playing. She is connected to wholeness and she measures everything against feelings of wholeness, which is harmony. Wholeness is harmony is connection. If there is disharmony there is that degree of disconnection within her.
When it comes to the bedroom and sex, the implication is that the woman is at fault for not being able to explain what she wants, where to go, how deep, how pleasurable, "talk to me". It is implied that she is lacking in something if she can't articulate her needs and that the onus is on her to change. "Say it!" It doesn't occur to him that maybe the burden is on him to change. The age is turning. It is time for men to access their own feminine qualities, and open-mindedness and the ability to listen, are top-most.
This is not meant as a criticism of men, but an attempt to explain the imbalance. We are all too close to the trees to see what happened - that the world has tilted toward the male. Men are in charge, women are not. Yes, it is changing but not very fast. It's a long process. Men can help the process by cultivating their soft, gentle, kind, personas. Then they will understand women better and they will feel better and more at peace with themselves, too.
It is a deep-seated pressure when a man asks her to talk to him in his terms, concrete, when she is internal and feeling many things all at once. Women trained in higher education have a better opportunity to explain themselves, but they still are not able to explain the feminine core because it is too vast. There are no words. That's why men need to access their own femininity to understand this.
He CAN get into her feelings if he will stop demanding it be done his way. In the bedroom, women often put their own feelings on hold in order to facilitate the man to help him with an erection. She knows that he depends on her to be a certain way and do a certain thing to accommodate him. But she can't do both. She can't help him and go into her own feelings at the same time. Well, a few exceptional women can. A man and a woman can get into the right space and find mutuality, accommodating one another equally, but it is not often that this happens.
When a woman is in a sexual situation she is expanding into other dimensions that are more fulfilling for her. It becomes a pressure when a man asks a woman How does it feel? Is this the spot? How deep should I go? It becomes a demand on her attention which prevents her from zoning out and getting into her own feelings. So often women wish he'd stop talking but keep doing what he's doing. Just do it quietly!
Women have been vague about sex because it's limiting to have to put words to these sensations. Besides, they don't know any words to explain the sensations of such bliss. Women get blissful. They are internal creatures during a sexual encounter. At least the ones I see during swing parties. I do not know what happens between them at home alone, just the two of them. I see that when a woman is touched with loving fingers, loving arms, that starts that same energy moving inside. It starts flowing. The love connection is as strong as when you put two wires together and get a spark. But if one person is not in the mood for love, there is no spark.
I have been actively weaving sexuality and spirituality together for over 30 years and I can tell you it's all about love. Not lust, not emotional, not mental, not physical, but the love connection. Everybody responds to love, but not everybody responds to the lust, or the emotional connection or the mental connection or the physical connection. Love supersedes everything else. It is large, but too many people have been reducing the love connection to a few small square inches of flesh.
Both sex and spirituality have a common core. Exercises in each produce the same result under the right conditions. I have had ecstatic out-of-body experiences in both sexual situations and alone. It's called a mystical experience when alone, but it is the same sensation - bliss and love. When I access the higher, wider, more refined altered states of consciousness during meditation, there is more love, more bliss, more oneness, more connection to everything. And I get the same when I am in a warm and wonderful sexual encounter. I expand to the point of wanting to love the whole world. The difference is, when I am in bed with someone, I can hug someone physically and it is more physical. More sensual. It's very powerful. And if this continues for a while, the sensations of loving expands larger and larger until I am reaching for as many bodies as I can find to hug.
Physical love is dynamic when it reaches such stages. It is contagious. It is no longer personal but universal for everyone. Women have that capacity, guys. Give her continuing warm affection through gentle touches, kisses, eye contact, flowers, puppy love words and keep the love simmering. Is this too much to ask? It is probably not what a man wants to hear but it will work. Believe me.
It's a whole body sensation she is wanting and wishes for. She won't tell you that, and she'll more than likely deny it if you ask her to "spell it out". But it is something that looms larger than the physical. That's why it's called "out of body" to the point that the body isn't important any more and has to be brought back gently. I have been in the same room with women who have been worked up to a collapse, you might say a swoon, where the body goes limp and passes out. They are not dead or unconscious but they are in other fields of awareness. They are aware of what's going on in the room but they don't care. They are beyond it. There are no words, no way to focus on words. She is out of body. Men experience this too, I believe, not being a man but from observation. But women are able to tune into it easier and stay there longer. It is the feminine womb of creation into which they return as their natural heritage as female bodies.
This is the female body I am talking about and what it is capable of experiencing during sexual encounters. Have you ever heard it explained in such detail? Men have access to it too, during their own orgasms. But when a man asks, "Am I hitting the right spot?" which men have asked me, there is no answer because I am already on another plane. My attention has expanded upward and outward into places beyond the limits of that part of the brain that organizes thought. My suggestion to men, rather than ask these questions in such moments, turn to your own intuition. Watch her body. Listen to her breath. Feel what she is feeling. Your own body cells can pick up the connection and you will know. It is possible for a man to sense where she is and what she is experiencing, to tag along so to speak, and you will automatically know how to respond. Female bodies are built for ecstasy. They can access multilevel portals to places unrecognized by the male. They can teach men how to access these dimensions too, if men would stop requiring everything to be on the physical plane. The male has treated the female body like a physical object for thousands of years, when it is actually metaphysical - only one quarter physical. It is no wonder men and women speak difference languages.
Women feel these things but can't put them into words. It is "sub" or beneath their conscious level. They swim in it and experience it but it is subjective, not objective. They cannot remove themselves from it. It is what they are. Their experience does not go through the mind but reverberates through the cells. There are four dimensions or layers of energies over every physical cell. They look like bubbles interconnected and overlapping. A sea of bubbles, some dense, some transparent, some almost invisible. And they are all connected. Every atom also has four levels. Every proton, every neutron, every electron has four levels. These levels represent the physical body on the most dense level, the emotions and feelings on the next, less dense, level. The mental and then the spiritual. And a woman is connected to all of them. She requires them to be in alignment to give her the harmony that makes her happy.
There are more levels, of course, but these are all we need to know about for now. The female body is designed to hold the center within these four levels - and the man has that ability too. But it is not a default program in a man as it is in a woman. A man has the divine masculine flowing through him and I am eager to explore that in a future time.
A woman begins her journey into the sensual zone when she has taken a lover, and they start kissing. It's OK at that point to ask "What do you like?" He is asking for direction and she can give him some now. But once she starts moving into love, she will have an increasingly more difficult time focusing on "is this the right spot?" She is already allowing love to move out of the limits and boundaries of her physical body. It takes all her attention to hold her space intact. After all, there are four levels she has to line up. This is all subconscious and automatic. She can't tell you about it.
If he, the man, is trying to get an erection while she is expanding into her sensuality, her turn on state (she is lighting up), then he needs to do it on his own without asking her to accommodate him. Because if she stops to accommodate him, she has to come back to ground. She cannot do both at the same time. It is worthwhile simply knowing this, to be aware of it the next time you are making love. I am spelling this out because female sensuality is such a mystery to men, but you would be surprised to know that it is also a mystery to women.
Part 2
Some men are natural lovers and givers and not think of their own needs. They will take time to hug, kiss, make out for long lingering time, even hours, without demanding her to attend to him. He knows if she is happy she will reciprocate later. There are many men who love to give, but there are others who are not aware how to do this. It is not a put-down. It is a matter of learning which is involved. The most essential part of turning sex into "making love" is in the giving lots of love and attention to the woman first.
I will tell a little story here. It is true. One day my husband and I attended a 4-couple swing party at the house of some friends. One couple was new to us. My husband went with the new woman and I went with the new man. As we laid down for the first time ever together, I positioned myself on top of him and began my seduction process, wiggling my body and doing what I normally do with men (or women). I love people. I love to snuggle, cuddle, hug, kiss and otherwise love the body I am with. I was trying to connect with the love in his body. This is just something I do. I've done it forever and every man responds differently (women respond in kind). But I never had a man sit bolt upright, as he did with a scared look, and say, "Do you want me to go down on you first, or do you want to go down on me first?" I gently laid him back down and continued. Again, he sat up and repeated the question. Again I laid him down lovingly and when he did this the third time and asked, "Do you want me to go down on you first, or do you want to go down on me first?" I gave up and went down on him first. I concluded that he know only one way to "have sex" and didn't know about love-making. I do not mean to offend anyone by this, but to shed light on a subject that has been too long in the dark. I have lots of stories but I'll refrain from telling them here.
One thing a woman needs besides loving attention, is freedom to explore on her own. Her sense of autonomy is restricted. It's a man's world. To empower a woman with her own freedom so she can really FEEL herself become confident and free to make choices, a man can assist by encouraging her lovingly. Not with indifference, like "Do whatever you want!" but with caring concern for her safety, while at the same time presenting her with the gift of leaving her alone. Women in relationships have the man impacting their energy fields on a constant basis, mind, body and feelings. She has become one with him, together, as a couple. A woman who lives with her husband feels his needs, wants, preferences, dislikes, limitations, fantasies, stress, anxiety, and she goes so far as to anticipate his needs. This sort of entanglement restricts her from knowing who she is on a deeper level. She comes to know herself through HIS eyes, instead of her eyes.
So what a husband or boyfriend can do for her is to encourage her to disentangle and make some private choices on her own. But he needs to really do that and let her go. To further facilitate her growing empowerment, he can ask her questions when they are in a good conversational mode and in a private place where no one is around. When he encourages her to tell him her fantasies out loud, he helps her to find her tongue. Women have been closed at the throat for many years, and need encouragement to exercise her voice. Her own truth. This will empower her. She can then ask herself, "Gosh, what DO I want? I'm not sure. My whole life has been in service to others. I'll have to think about it." It will not come easy, but keep asking her. Stir the embers. Build a fire in her.
At a swing party sometimes a husband will say, "I want to be in the same room with her," while the wife says, "I would rather be in a separate room." This is common among couples at first. The husband will say, "I'm not controlling her, I just want to be there and watch. I love to see her being pleasured by another man." But it is really about his insecurity or you might call it jealousy. He is not ready yet to let her go too far from him. I was like that in the beginning. I needed a separate room away from my husband when we first explored swinging. I gradually grew confident enough to be in the same room, but I still, today, prefer to be separate. The reason is, I am too influenced and impacted by my husband's presence. In order to feel really and truly free in my encounter with another man (or woman) I need to be away from him. I have found this to be true for a majority of women in swinging.
Consider giving her absolute freedom if you take steps in this direction. Imagine what that will feel like to let her go. Do so lovingly. It may be a big pill to swallow, but consider it. It will be healthy to disentangle from each other. You will not lose each other because your relationship is build on more than sex. Your relationship is mental, emotional and spiritual too. So don't be afraid of taking this one step to exchange intimacies with other people.
Women need to do this even more than men because women have been programmed with so many taboos which has disempowered them. They have bonded to one man at marriage time. Now, if it's time to take steps to open the relationship up to include others intimately - which is what many couples are discussing these days - then try it on for size by talking about it first. See what it feels like to imagine it. Freedom is a powerful thing, so it is enmeshed and imprisoned beneath a lot of shoulds and should-nots. You have to work through the layers carefully, speaking words of truth with gentle and kind considerations. Freedom is not anarchy. It doesn't mean cutting cords that bind you. It doesn't mean separation or divorce. Freedom is what a couple gives to each other as partners, so you can walk freely side by side instead of clinging to one another and requiring support. Each individual is then drawing on his or her own inner resources, instead of drawing from each other. It's a happier life and they are still partners.
In taking another lover, consider that sex is not just physical for a woman. And women should consider that the same thing goes for men even if they don't act like it. Men have intimacy needs too. We'll discuss that at another time. This is devoted to the feminine. Intimacy and love are important before, during and after sex for a woman. After sex, don't roll over and go to sleep, guys. Stay with her, continue to focus on her. Be her male angel and continue giving her protective loving touches while she is coming back to ground. She loves being transported into the heavens of her being and having an out-of-body experience, but she loves coming back with warm hugs close to her lovers chest and protection. His presence is so soothing and comfortable. This is a journey to the stars for her but she needs to come back into a protective, warm and safe place.
I see a lot of mechanical sex in swinging. And I see a lot of rambunctious fun. But I seldom see that glow in women that tells me she had a fulfilling encounter. I do see it on occasion. I see her auric glow. It all depends on the individuals and the chemistry between them. I really have to say, from my observations over 30 years in swinging, that most women don't get to experience the ultimate. They don't get the lingering hugging before, during and after, which is why I have psyched myself up to (gulp) say it like it is. It has taken a long time to prepare myself to say it. Women don't like to dishonor men. My intention in saying these things is to pave the way for men to understand that he is needed very much. His maleness is not in question. But it is a fact that women need men to help her in piercing the veil of restrictions and taboos built around sex, so that she can feel free to have that ultimate experience. Can you help her with this? You have to figure this out on your own. It's your challenge. Break the mechanical habits at home by introducing some feminine ideas into the experience. Women have been accommodating men for eons. It's time for men to accommodate women for a change. You have no idea how powerful a change this is going to bring to you.
Woman might act as if she can leave intimacy and love out of the sex act, but in reality she can't. It's not in her nature. When a woman has sex she weaves intimacy into the act automatically because she is a living embodiment of intimacy. It's in her cells. Women are accommodating. When a man wants genital sex only, most women comply, but then he rolls over to go to sleep and she is disappointed. She might not show it and she might be OK with it after 20 years of doing it that way, but she might not be around in 25 years. Women are built to love. Men cheat for sex, but women cheat for love and intimacy. She will support the man she lives with, no matter how disappointing the relationship has become, but she does not usually stay forever.
The way back to the honeymoon stage is for the man to access his own femininity. His softer side. He will know what to do then. Just listening will change things. This is a feminine quality. She will appreciate it. Give her new life through gentle, loving signs of affection, both in the bedroom and in the kitchen, and in other places too. This is what turns a woman on. You can keep her simmering all day with mere touches of finger tips. Men, you might want to try this out and see the results. An orgasm planted in the midst of such glowing yummy sensations between you will melt resistance to further exploration. She will be as happy as a puppy and she will want more.
This is where you can introduce the idea of an extramarital encounter to her and ask if she'd like it. Her resistance is low then. It might pop back in the morning, but that's all the more reason to give her more affection the next day to keep her glowing. And don't forget the orgasm. Adventuring beyond monogamy can be fun but it can be disastrous if the woman is not ready. This will help make the woman ready. Most men approach their ladies from the mind. "Let's talk." But remember that a woman is an emotional and feeling person. She has four levels she has to consider when making a decision. All four levels have to be in agreement with each other. Don't dismiss those other levels. She has to be OK physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually (her principles are at stake here). Her OK ness comes when all levels of her being are in agreement. That's when the green light happens. Allow process to take place, but keep the line of communication on this subject open.
Let us discuss women who are horny and sexually open. A percentage of men have said to me that their wives don't need any long lingering foreplay preparation. They are always ready. She has such a high libido, they say, that they can't keep up with their wife. When men say that to me I feel an "Uh oh!" in the back of my mind. While there may be women like that, who don't want foreplay because they are already ready, if she is NOT already ready, she will need foreplay.
Also consider, most women today are chronically exhausted from being wife, mother, care-giver, bread-earner, career woman, housekeeper, meetings, workshops. Women today are pushing themselves into exhaustion and high stress, heart conditions and more. Sex is at the bottom of the list for a lot of women. What is at the top of list, what they need most, is a meaningful relationship with someone who will listen, who will understand, who will not demand anything from her. A safe sanctuary. A friend. Consider that she might need an intimate friend not for sex but for other reasons.
There isn't a woman alive who doesn't want intimacy, but it's not always for physical reasons. She might just want a friend to talk to. It might be emotional, mental or spiritual. There are many levels to intimacy. I have seen many horny women up close and personal and it is usually because they haven't had sex in awhile. Either their husbands are unable to, or they live alone as single people. Of course there may be other reasons for being horny, but we should never assume that she only wants sex. She may be subconsciously seeking something else. Everyone wants love. Even horny housewives who seem to be sex-deprived. Perhaps they are searching for connection and sex is the fastest, easiest way to find it.
A woman looks at sex differently than men because she is internally connected to love. She wants sex to be connected so she feels good about it. A quickie does not make her feel good. It usually makes her feel cheap. She wants more than penetration. She wants her love life to be morally, ethically, emotionally whole. Women won't tell you that when he asks "What do you like? What can I do for you?" So the onus is on men to remember that it's not just physical for her. Give her some warm lingering hugs. Just hold her for minutes at a time. The biggest complaint I've heard from women is that men rush to orgasm. That does not bring her satisfaction. An orgasm is not the be-all and end-all for her. The whole body is hungry, not for orgasm, but for love. You can do this with a stranger and be remembered for always, even if you never see them again. Then when you plant an orgasm (or several) in the middle of that wonderful warm yummy cushion of sensation, she will reach her zenith and collapse.
I have attempted to weave golden strands of the goddess into the normal average woman because, in fact, women are both. Men too have golden strands of the god-man, the divine masculine, woven through his personality. Each person is a mixture of the human and divine. We have a divine template within us, man and woman, and it is possible to access it. It is the goal of Tantra to isolate the golden strands of the goddess and the god within, and use it to weave the two lovers together, from the place in the heart. It is woman who will lead the way for man.
I have been explaining the feminine divine template but there is also a masculine divine template. That will be fun to explore. But it is the divine feminine that we need to bring out of the closet first. The world has been overly male, heavily burdened by intellect, logic and enforcement of rules, and weak in compassion, mercy, forgiveness and love. We need the feminine to release her strengths which have been long hidden, in order for men to also find his strengths. As we help women to come out to play sexually, we release her powers. Sex is the first place to go to release a person from restrictions. Not by pushing or demanding, but by opening the door and letting her go free.
Understanding female sensuality
by Diana of Anakosha
Yesterday I was talking to a man who was concerned because his wife of senior age doesn't show any interest in sex. I have heard this many times over the years, and not just seniors. It happens among young couples too. This man wanted to know if there was something wrong with her. He was genuinely concerned. He didn't understand. I tried to explain the feminine side of things, as a women. We talked for over an hour and he was very appreciative for the insight.
For many years I have scratched my head and pondered how best to explain to men what women want in the bedroom. It has been difficult to get the point across. There are many books on the subject but it is still a mystery to men. I have heard men say, "What do women want?" "Why don't you tell me? We're not mind-readers!"
To look at women's sexuality we have to go to a higher consciousness. Higher consciousness becomes more refined the higher you go. Now, you may not know what that means, but I am going to try to explain it. A woman's consciousness spans several dimensions, or planes of awareness. She is aware of more than men are. She is a heart creature; men are mind creatures. Women are internal; men are external. Women are more attuned to spiritual things than men. Women are the proponents of New Age material and understand the chakras, auras, massage, meditation and that sort of stuff, where men say, "Huh?" It's innate and natural for them because it is their energy. Women can relate. It is home to them. It is catnip to them. They purr. They are happy there.
Women are beings of harmony which can ONLY be found on higher dimensions. Men seem to thrive on disharmony for some reason I don't understand. Men ridicule the soft music, candle light, flowers and incense and long lingering seduction scenes. But this is what turns women on to their feelings, their emotions, their sensuality. It would behoove men to pay more attention if - IF - a man wants to truly give something to his lady. She'll do it your way, especially if she's been programmed for 20 or 30 years to do it your way, but she's not getting what she REALLY wants deep down where she feels things in the spaces between the atoms of her cellular structure.
This type of scene should not to be dismissed as silly or too time-consuming. Make time. It's important. To a woman, this is as essential to her as food or sex is to a man. The difference in sexual approach between men and women is huge. And both sexes keep it that way with crude jokes about dumb blondes and old men who are clueless. The division between the sexes has been exaggerated out of proportion and locked in place, but it's wearing us out. Isn't it time to heal the division? What men want is right for them and women have respected that. But what women want is right and good for them, but men have not respected that, globally speaking.
Only the sincere male is permitted beyond this point who genuinely wants to learn what makes a woman tick, because so many men are not interested. The division between men and women is too hurtful and they don't want to go there. But really, isn't it time to understand women? What woman REALLY want and need? The male side of life has been dominating the world from long before we were born, and mothers have played the submissive role to men since forever, it seems. Torture in the middle ages, etc. But let's not go there. It's time to support women.
I have been accused of being a feminist (lovingly of course) and I WAS in the past. But I am pretty balanced today. My perspective has grown quite large and most of that has been gained through the swinging lifestyle. I have been studying human sexuality within the couples scene for over the years. And I have heard men say repeatedly: "Why don't women say what they want?" Men are frustrated because women don't give them concrete answers. The men don't realize that they are demanding male answers, answers that a man wants to hear. They are not listening. Women have been talking all along. "Where's the spot? Is this the spot?" And all along the woman's body is speaking to him through movement and energy. Men ask women to articulate in spoken words and women are way ahead of them, answering in feminine language. She speaks the language of body talk - seductive, rejecting, hesitant, demure, lusty. A woman is not designed to be concrete. That's the man's role. She is designed to hold the center for the men, and in order to do this she has to be internal. She is connected to the whole picture. She is everywhere scanning. I think men would understand if he stops to think about it, because he has the feminine in him too. We are both yin and yang. Women's sexuality is not a "spot"; it is her whole body. Turn on her whole body and the spot is included in it. But if you try to turn on the spot first, she hasn't got it yet.
When it comes to sex, a woman is not like a man. She is not in the genitals. She does not experience the world the way a man does, objectively with objects spaced around him. A man is designed to interact with the outer world and other people while she is designed to hold the center and pick up the pieces after the man is done. I put some tools away just this morning after something my husband did. A woman unifies and harmonizes arguments. Men don't understand that this is a divine role she is playing. She is connected to wholeness and she measures everything against feelings of wholeness, which is harmony. Wholeness is harmony is connection. If there is disharmony there is that degree of disconnection within her.
When it comes to the bedroom and sex, the implication is that the woman is at fault for not being able to explain what she wants, where to go, how deep, how pleasurable, "talk to me". It is implied that she is lacking in something if she can't articulate her needs and that the onus is on her to change. "Say it!" It doesn't occur to him that maybe the burden is on him to change. The age is turning. It is time for men to access their own feminine qualities, and open-mindedness and the ability to listen, are top-most.
This is not meant as a criticism of men, but an attempt to explain the imbalance. We are all too close to the trees to see what happened - that the world has tilted toward the male. Men are in charge, women are not. Yes, it is changing but not very fast. It's a long process. Men can help the process by cultivating their soft, gentle, kind, personas. Then they will understand women better and they will feel better and more at peace with themselves, too.
It is a deep-seated pressure when a man asks her to talk to him in his terms, concrete, when she is internal and feeling many things all at once. Women trained in higher education have a better opportunity to explain themselves, but they still are not able to explain the feminine core because it is too vast. There are no words. That's why men need to access their own femininity to understand this.
He CAN get into her feelings if he will stop demanding it be done his way. In the bedroom, women often put their own feelings on hold in order to facilitate the man to help him with an erection. She knows that he depends on her to be a certain way and do a certain thing to accommodate him. But she can't do both. She can't help him and go into her own feelings at the same time. Well, a few exceptional women can. A man and a woman can get into the right space and find mutuality, accommodating one another equally, but it is not often that this happens.
When a woman is in a sexual situation she is expanding into other dimensions that are more fulfilling for her. It becomes a pressure when a man asks a woman How does it feel? Is this the spot? How deep should I go? It becomes a demand on her attention which prevents her from zoning out and getting into her own feelings. So often women wish he'd stop talking but keep doing what he's doing. Just do it quietly!
Women have been vague about sex because it's limiting to have to put words to these sensations. Besides, they don't know any words to explain the sensations of such bliss. Women get blissful. They are internal creatures during a sexual encounter. At least the ones I see during swing parties. I do not know what happens between them at home alone, just the two of them. I see that when a woman is touched with loving fingers, loving arms, that starts that same energy moving inside. It starts flowing. The love connection is as strong as when you put two wires together and get a spark. But if one person is not in the mood for love, there is no spark.
I have been actively weaving sexuality and spirituality together for over 30 years and I can tell you it's all about love. Not lust, not emotional, not mental, not physical, but the love connection. Everybody responds to love, but not everybody responds to the lust, or the emotional connection or the mental connection or the physical connection. Love supersedes everything else. It is large, but too many people have been reducing the love connection to a few small square inches of flesh.
Both sex and spirituality have a common core. Exercises in each produce the same result under the right conditions. I have had ecstatic out-of-body experiences in both sexual situations and alone. It's called a mystical experience when alone, but it is the same sensation - bliss and love. When I access the higher, wider, more refined altered states of consciousness during meditation, there is more love, more bliss, more oneness, more connection to everything. And I get the same when I am in a warm and wonderful sexual encounter. I expand to the point of wanting to love the whole world. The difference is, when I am in bed with someone, I can hug someone physically and it is more physical. More sensual. It's very powerful. And if this continues for a while, the sensations of loving expands larger and larger until I am reaching for as many bodies as I can find to hug.
Physical love is dynamic when it reaches such stages. It is contagious. It is no longer personal but universal for everyone. Women have that capacity, guys. Give her continuing warm affection through gentle touches, kisses, eye contact, flowers, puppy love words and keep the love simmering. Is this too much to ask? It is probably not what a man wants to hear but it will work. Believe me.
It's a whole body sensation she is wanting and wishes for. She won't tell you that, and she'll more than likely deny it if you ask her to "spell it out". But it is something that looms larger than the physical. That's why it's called "out of body" to the point that the body isn't important any more and has to be brought back gently. I have been in the same room with women who have been worked up to a collapse, you might say a swoon, where the body goes limp and passes out. They are not dead or unconscious but they are in other fields of awareness. They are aware of what's going on in the room but they don't care. They are beyond it. There are no words, no way to focus on words. She is out of body. Men experience this too, I believe, not being a man but from observation. But women are able to tune into it easier and stay there longer. It is the feminine womb of creation into which they return as their natural heritage as female bodies.
This is the female body I am talking about and what it is capable of experiencing during sexual encounters. Have you ever heard it explained in such detail? Men have access to it too, during their own orgasms. But when a man asks, "Am I hitting the right spot?" which men have asked me, there is no answer because I am already on another plane. My attention has expanded upward and outward into places beyond the limits of that part of the brain that organizes thought. My suggestion to men, rather than ask these questions in such moments, turn to your own intuition. Watch her body. Listen to her breath. Feel what she is feeling. Your own body cells can pick up the connection and you will know. It is possible for a man to sense where she is and what she is experiencing, to tag along so to speak, and you will automatically know how to respond. Female bodies are built for ecstasy. They can access multilevel portals to places unrecognized by the male. They can teach men how to access these dimensions too, if men would stop requiring everything to be on the physical plane. The male has treated the female body like a physical object for thousands of years, when it is actually metaphysical - only one quarter physical. It is no wonder men and women speak difference languages.
Women feel these things but can't put them into words. It is "sub" or beneath their conscious level. They swim in it and experience it but it is subjective, not objective. They cannot remove themselves from it. It is what they are. Their experience does not go through the mind but reverberates through the cells. There are four dimensions or layers of energies over every physical cell. They look like bubbles interconnected and overlapping. A sea of bubbles, some dense, some transparent, some almost invisible. And they are all connected. Every atom also has four levels. Every proton, every neutron, every electron has four levels. These levels represent the physical body on the most dense level, the emotions and feelings on the next, less dense, level. The mental and then the spiritual. And a woman is connected to all of them. She requires them to be in alignment to give her the harmony that makes her happy.
There are more levels, of course, but these are all we need to know about for now. The female body is designed to hold the center within these four levels - and the man has that ability too. But it is not a default program in a man as it is in a woman. A man has the divine masculine flowing through him and I am eager to explore that in a future time.
A woman begins her journey into the sensual zone when she has taken a lover, and they start kissing. It's OK at that point to ask "What do you like?" He is asking for direction and she can give him some now. But once she starts moving into love, she will have an increasingly more difficult time focusing on "is this the right spot?" She is already allowing love to move out of the limits and boundaries of her physical body. It takes all her attention to hold her space intact. After all, there are four levels she has to line up. This is all subconscious and automatic. She can't tell you about it.
If he, the man, is trying to get an erection while she is expanding into her sensuality, her turn on state (she is lighting up), then he needs to do it on his own without asking her to accommodate him. Because if she stops to accommodate him, she has to come back to ground. She cannot do both at the same time. It is worthwhile simply knowing this, to be aware of it the next time you are making love. I am spelling this out because female sensuality is such a mystery to men, but you would be surprised to know that it is also a mystery to women.
Part 2
Some men are natural lovers and givers and not think of their own needs. They will take time to hug, kiss, make out for long lingering time, even hours, without demanding her to attend to him. He knows if she is happy she will reciprocate later. There are many men who love to give, but there are others who are not aware how to do this. It is not a put-down. It is a matter of learning which is involved. The most essential part of turning sex into "making love" is in the giving lots of love and attention to the woman first.
I will tell a little story here. It is true. One day my husband and I attended a 4-couple swing party at the house of some friends. One couple was new to us. My husband went with the new woman and I went with the new man. As we laid down for the first time ever together, I positioned myself on top of him and began my seduction process, wiggling my body and doing what I normally do with men (or women). I love people. I love to snuggle, cuddle, hug, kiss and otherwise love the body I am with. I was trying to connect with the love in his body. This is just something I do. I've done it forever and every man responds differently (women respond in kind). But I never had a man sit bolt upright, as he did with a scared look, and say, "Do you want me to go down on you first, or do you want to go down on me first?" I gently laid him back down and continued. Again, he sat up and repeated the question. Again I laid him down lovingly and when he did this the third time and asked, "Do you want me to go down on you first, or do you want to go down on me first?" I gave up and went down on him first. I concluded that he know only one way to "have sex" and didn't know about love-making. I do not mean to offend anyone by this, but to shed light on a subject that has been too long in the dark. I have lots of stories but I'll refrain from telling them here.
One thing a woman needs besides loving attention, is freedom to explore on her own. Her sense of autonomy is restricted. It's a man's world. To empower a woman with her own freedom so she can really FEEL herself become confident and free to make choices, a man can assist by encouraging her lovingly. Not with indifference, like "Do whatever you want!" but with caring concern for her safety, while at the same time presenting her with the gift of leaving her alone. Women in relationships have the man impacting their energy fields on a constant basis, mind, body and feelings. She has become one with him, together, as a couple. A woman who lives with her husband feels his needs, wants, preferences, dislikes, limitations, fantasies, stress, anxiety, and she goes so far as to anticipate his needs. This sort of entanglement restricts her from knowing who she is on a deeper level. She comes to know herself through HIS eyes, instead of her eyes.
So what a husband or boyfriend can do for her is to encourage her to disentangle and make some private choices on her own. But he needs to really do that and let her go. To further facilitate her growing empowerment, he can ask her questions when they are in a good conversational mode and in a private place where no one is around. When he encourages her to tell him her fantasies out loud, he helps her to find her tongue. Women have been closed at the throat for many years, and need encouragement to exercise her voice. Her own truth. This will empower her. She can then ask herself, "Gosh, what DO I want? I'm not sure. My whole life has been in service to others. I'll have to think about it." It will not come easy, but keep asking her. Stir the embers. Build a fire in her.
At a swing party sometimes a husband will say, "I want to be in the same room with her," while the wife says, "I would rather be in a separate room." This is common among couples at first. The husband will say, "I'm not controlling her, I just want to be there and watch. I love to see her being pleasured by another man." But it is really about his insecurity or you might call it jealousy. He is not ready yet to let her go too far from him. I was like that in the beginning. I needed a separate room away from my husband when we first explored swinging. I gradually grew confident enough to be in the same room, but I still, today, prefer to be separate. The reason is, I am too influenced and impacted by my husband's presence. In order to feel really and truly free in my encounter with another man (or woman) I need to be away from him. I have found this to be true for a majority of women in swinging.
Consider giving her absolute freedom if you take steps in this direction. Imagine what that will feel like to let her go. Do so lovingly. It may be a big pill to swallow, but consider it. It will be healthy to disentangle from each other. You will not lose each other because your relationship is build on more than sex. Your relationship is mental, emotional and spiritual too. So don't be afraid of taking this one step to exchange intimacies with other people.
Women need to do this even more than men because women have been programmed with so many taboos which has disempowered them. They have bonded to one man at marriage time. Now, if it's time to take steps to open the relationship up to include others intimately - which is what many couples are discussing these days - then try it on for size by talking about it first. See what it feels like to imagine it. Freedom is a powerful thing, so it is enmeshed and imprisoned beneath a lot of shoulds and should-nots. You have to work through the layers carefully, speaking words of truth with gentle and kind considerations. Freedom is not anarchy. It doesn't mean cutting cords that bind you. It doesn't mean separation or divorce. Freedom is what a couple gives to each other as partners, so you can walk freely side by side instead of clinging to one another and requiring support. Each individual is then drawing on his or her own inner resources, instead of drawing from each other. It's a happier life and they are still partners.
In taking another lover, consider that sex is not just physical for a woman. And women should consider that the same thing goes for men even if they don't act like it. Men have intimacy needs too. We'll discuss that at another time. This is devoted to the feminine. Intimacy and love are important before, during and after sex for a woman. After sex, don't roll over and go to sleep, guys. Stay with her, continue to focus on her. Be her male angel and continue giving her protective loving touches while she is coming back to ground. She loves being transported into the heavens of her being and having an out-of-body experience, but she loves coming back with warm hugs close to her lovers chest and protection. His presence is so soothing and comfortable. This is a journey to the stars for her but she needs to come back into a protective, warm and safe place.
I see a lot of mechanical sex in swinging. And I see a lot of rambunctious fun. But I seldom see that glow in women that tells me she had a fulfilling encounter. I do see it on occasion. I see her auric glow. It all depends on the individuals and the chemistry between them. I really have to say, from my observations over 30 years in swinging, that most women don't get to experience the ultimate. They don't get the lingering hugging before, during and after, which is why I have psyched myself up to (gulp) say it like it is. It has taken a long time to prepare myself to say it. Women don't like to dishonor men. My intention in saying these things is to pave the way for men to understand that he is needed very much. His maleness is not in question. But it is a fact that women need men to help her in piercing the veil of restrictions and taboos built around sex, so that she can feel free to have that ultimate experience. Can you help her with this? You have to figure this out on your own. It's your challenge. Break the mechanical habits at home by introducing some feminine ideas into the experience. Women have been accommodating men for eons. It's time for men to accommodate women for a change. You have no idea how powerful a change this is going to bring to you.
Woman might act as if she can leave intimacy and love out of the sex act, but in reality she can't. It's not in her nature. When a woman has sex she weaves intimacy into the act automatically because she is a living embodiment of intimacy. It's in her cells. Women are accommodating. When a man wants genital sex only, most women comply, but then he rolls over to go to sleep and she is disappointed. She might not show it and she might be OK with it after 20 years of doing it that way, but she might not be around in 25 years. Women are built to love. Men cheat for sex, but women cheat for love and intimacy. She will support the man she lives with, no matter how disappointing the relationship has become, but she does not usually stay forever.
The way back to the honeymoon stage is for the man to access his own femininity. His softer side. He will know what to do then. Just listening will change things. This is a feminine quality. She will appreciate it. Give her new life through gentle, loving signs of affection, both in the bedroom and in the kitchen, and in other places too. This is what turns a woman on. You can keep her simmering all day with mere touches of finger tips. Men, you might want to try this out and see the results. An orgasm planted in the midst of such glowing yummy sensations between you will melt resistance to further exploration. She will be as happy as a puppy and she will want more.
This is where you can introduce the idea of an extramarital encounter to her and ask if she'd like it. Her resistance is low then. It might pop back in the morning, but that's all the more reason to give her more affection the next day to keep her glowing. And don't forget the orgasm. Adventuring beyond monogamy can be fun but it can be disastrous if the woman is not ready. This will help make the woman ready. Most men approach their ladies from the mind. "Let's talk." But remember that a woman is an emotional and feeling person. She has four levels she has to consider when making a decision. All four levels have to be in agreement with each other. Don't dismiss those other levels. She has to be OK physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually (her principles are at stake here). Her OK ness comes when all levels of her being are in agreement. That's when the green light happens. Allow process to take place, but keep the line of communication on this subject open.
Let us discuss women who are horny and sexually open. A percentage of men have said to me that their wives don't need any long lingering foreplay preparation. They are always ready. She has such a high libido, they say, that they can't keep up with their wife. When men say that to me I feel an "Uh oh!" in the back of my mind. While there may be women like that, who don't want foreplay because they are already ready, if she is NOT already ready, she will need foreplay.
Also consider, most women today are chronically exhausted from being wife, mother, care-giver, bread-earner, career woman, housekeeper, meetings, workshops. Women today are pushing themselves into exhaustion and high stress, heart conditions and more. Sex is at the bottom of the list for a lot of women. What is at the top of list, what they need most, is a meaningful relationship with someone who will listen, who will understand, who will not demand anything from her. A safe sanctuary. A friend. Consider that she might need an intimate friend not for sex but for other reasons.
There isn't a woman alive who doesn't want intimacy, but it's not always for physical reasons. She might just want a friend to talk to. It might be emotional, mental or spiritual. There are many levels to intimacy. I have seen many horny women up close and personal and it is usually because they haven't had sex in awhile. Either their husbands are unable to, or they live alone as single people. Of course there may be other reasons for being horny, but we should never assume that she only wants sex. She may be subconsciously seeking something else. Everyone wants love. Even horny housewives who seem to be sex-deprived. Perhaps they are searching for connection and sex is the fastest, easiest way to find it.
A woman looks at sex differently than men because she is internally connected to love. She wants sex to be connected so she feels good about it. A quickie does not make her feel good. It usually makes her feel cheap. She wants more than penetration. She wants her love life to be morally, ethically, emotionally whole. Women won't tell you that when he asks "What do you like? What can I do for you?" So the onus is on men to remember that it's not just physical for her. Give her some warm lingering hugs. Just hold her for minutes at a time. The biggest complaint I've heard from women is that men rush to orgasm. That does not bring her satisfaction. An orgasm is not the be-all and end-all for her. The whole body is hungry, not for orgasm, but for love. You can do this with a stranger and be remembered for always, even if you never see them again. Then when you plant an orgasm (or several) in the middle of that wonderful warm yummy cushion of sensation, she will reach her zenith and collapse.
I have attempted to weave golden strands of the goddess into the normal average woman because, in fact, women are both. Men too have golden strands of the god-man, the divine masculine, woven through his personality. Each person is a mixture of the human and divine. We have a divine template within us, man and woman, and it is possible to access it. It is the goal of Tantra to isolate the golden strands of the goddess and the god within, and use it to weave the two lovers together, from the place in the heart. It is woman who will lead the way for man.
I have been explaining the feminine divine template but there is also a masculine divine template. That will be fun to explore. But it is the divine feminine that we need to bring out of the closet first. The world has been overly male, heavily burdened by intellect, logic and enforcement of rules, and weak in compassion, mercy, forgiveness and love. We need the feminine to release her strengths which have been long hidden, in order for men to also find his strengths. As we help women to come out to play sexually, we release her powers. Sex is the first place to go to release a person from restrictions. Not by pushing or demanding, but by opening the door and letting her go free.